~ Lighthouse ~

The Hallway Outside Dr. Burke's Office

Dr. Burke was hardly surprised to find Detective Kate Beckett pacing outside his office at 7:00 A.M., despite having told her he could see her at 7:30. The simple fact that she had called him at almost 11:00 P.M. the night before foreshadowed her early arrival. After all, Kate Beckett liked to be in control, and when she wasn't she tried to grab control.

"Good Morning, Detective Beckett. Why don't you come on in, we will get started as soon as I make some coffee." His greeting a calming tone, his voice quietly resonating across the corridor as he approached.

Kate snapped out of her emotional fog, briefly caught off guard at his voice. Her head whipped around, as if she was searching for a lighthouse in a storm. She found one in his leveled voice... "Dr. Burke, Good Morning. Sorry about being early."

"No need to apologize. I'm sure we have a lot to talk about." He had expected her call sooner, knowing it was coming the second the news of Rick Castle's emergency trip to the hospital had hit the airwaves.

"Umm, yes, we do." Kate was trying hard not to let her frustrations show, but the way she looked away told him she was troubled. As they stepped into his office, she quickly unfolded her arms, releasing the tight grip she had been holding her biceps with, she switched to nervously thumb wrestling with herself.

A few minutes later, Dr. Burke handed Kate a hot cup of coffee. The way that she embraced the simple white porcelain mug told him she welcomed the warmth and sustenance, found comfort. Her hands finally quieted, now that they had something to do. Gesturing that she could have a seat, Dr. Burke took his usual chair and then offered, "So, Kate, tell me why you called."

Beckett briefly looked at him like he had purple polka dots all over his face, before stopping her pacing. She leaned against the chair.

"Castle." Kate's single word declaration, dripping with emotions, painful yet longing, anger and compassion, sorrow and joy, just two syllables overtook the brief quiet of the few seconds before Beckett poured out the driving force that brought her to this moment.

Ever the professional, Dr. Burke masked his first thought, which was "tell me something I dont know." Instead he waited for her to say more.

"You probably know he is in the hospital. It's my fault." Fear and devastation etched over Kate's face. She slumped thoughtlessly down on the arm of the chair across from Dr. Burke. A soft tremor as she sucked in air, a shudder as her lungs filled with a deep troubled breath.

"How is it your fault?" Dr. Burke's deep soothing baritone, asked the question in a welcoming voice of calm. It was well practiced, designed to let patients, like Kate know she was safe, that whatever she said was private.

"I didn't check on him after Slaughter punched him."

"But you didn't punch him, correct?"

"Of course I didn't." Her exasperation evident. The very idea that Dr. Burke even asked, at first shocked her. Before she took the breaths he had taught her, allowing her to focus.

"Then why do you feel it was your fault?" The same soothing tone, another attempt to support her, while gently coaxing her to explore her thoughts – vocally.

"He's my partner." Eyes are often the window to one's soul. At the moment the wide eyed fear, mixed with love, were like huge picture windows. Partner was not even close to what Richard Castle was to Kate Beckett, yet there was a lot of trouble in the stormy windows. Detective Kate Beckett was hyper-focused on Richard Castle, while turbulent emotions battled to be seen.

"Kate." This time it was Dr. Burke's one syllable word that pulled her back to focus on the broader picture.

"I didn't check on him, and he was hurt."

"Did not checking on him cause him more harm?"

"I don't know."

An honest answer from someone who lived for honesty, yet it was hiding so much more. Dr. Burke pushed on.

"You feel guilty, what is it you haven't told me?

"He knows."

"What does he know?" Hiding his thought, if I wanted to pull teeth, I would have become a dentist. It was still his job, but Kate Beckett could be challenging, maddening, and frustrating with the best of them. Kate Beckett was all of those things and remarkable. Castle's dedication of Extraordinary came to mind as well.

"That I remember." Her words barely an audible whisper, the way she dropped her head, so that her hair cascaded in front of her face … hiding the pain, guilt, regret, anger-at herself.

"I see. How does that relate to his injury?"

"He was punched by Detective Slaughter of Gangs." A statement of fact, delivered as if testifying in court.

"Kate that still doesn't answer the question." Burke looks to her and waits.

"Well, he wouldn't have been shadowing Slaughter if I hadn't lied." Kate testified as if a murder's conviction hangs in the balance of her one statement.

"You don't know that." The defense's objection.

"Yes, I do. Castle was pulling away, because he is tired of waiting and I hurt him." Kate's guilt pouring out, she sobs as she ends the thought.

"Perhaps." An offer of reasonable doubt.

"So, I'm right."

"Are you?"

"What?"

"When you lied to him what were you doing?"

"Hiding!"

"or?" Nudging her to recall conversations about the process they have been working through.

"Healing. Waiting."

"Healing, I can agree with. Waiting?"

"I wasn't ready, I couldn't deal with it, give him what I want to give him."

"What's that? … Kate."

"Someone not such a mess, not broken. Someone capable of loving him like he deserves."

"Is it possible that he feels the same?"

"He doesn't want me because I'm broken? … He doesn't think I love him like he deserves." Before she finishes tears are streaming down her face, painful gasp at the end.

"Do you think that's true?"

"Yes, I don't know. … No." Kate almost manages to say the last word convincingly; it comes out more as a plea.

"Has he told you that things are over?"

"No, of course not."

"Castle is a man of many words."

"Well duh!" … "Wait, do you mean?"

Burke just looks to her he lays his hands out on the edge of the chair, palms open, inviting Kate to open up, to voice her thoughts.

"You think he would say it, but I wanted to talk he wouldn't, he refused." Hurt and a small bit of anger crept into her voice.

"You've said before when he needs to talk, you often shut him down."

"So? … Oh. You mean he wasn't ready. He's not ready, he's … no longer committed."

"Could he be unsure of how you feel? How would he react to that?"

"Not Castle, he knows me, better than anyone."

"Kate, put yourself in his shoes. If he kept something from you, even for what he felt was the right reason, how would you feel?"

"He did." The two words said with a strong edge to the soft tone spoke volumes.

"How did you feel?" For now feelings mattered, "what" could wait.

"Angry, hurt, confused, like he didn't trust me." Raw and clearly accurate words, as Kate folded her arms across her chest, embracing herself in a hug.

"Seems reasonable, and Castle?"

"He doesn't know that I know."

"That's not what I'm asking."

"Huh? … oh, he feels the same. Oh, geez, no wonder he pulled away. He's hiding from me."

"Hiding?"

"No. I wasn't ready, I thought I was, but … wait you think he isn't ready?"

"You have doubts, but he can't?"

"Not doubts."

"Why can't he."

"No, WE don't." Beckett was trying to convince Kate, that Rick couldn't be doubting Always.

"Are you sure?"

Kate stands back up and starts pacing back and forth finally stopping so she can stare out of the office window.

"There's more."

"Go on."

"I don't know where to start."

"At the beginning."

"My mom's case."

Once again Dr. Burke waits her out.

"A lot is happening. My friend Agent Jordan Shaw of the FBI has been investigating. We may be close to finally getting the man behind it all." Once she starts to let it out, the rapid fire delivery, her hands clasping together, then her eyes coming up to look him directly in the eye, leave no doubt Kate is anxious, scared and fiercely determined, to finally get the justice she's devoted a third of her life to. Yet, she looks away.

"And?"

"What?"

"That's not all that has you this wound up."

"Castle … he's been investigating on his own. For months." Her anger boils over at the thought.

"This bothers you." Knowing that this was what Castle had not told Kate.

"Yes! He could get himself killed."

"Well, I can see how that would upset you, but the anger?"

"We were supposed to do it together. He lied. He betrayed me."

"How did he lie?"

"He didn't tell me."

"Did you ever talk about your mom's case?"

"No, at least not since Castle pushed me to leave it alone."

"When was this?"

"Remember when I came back and told you I lied? Same case."

"Did he tell you he wouldn't investigate?"

"No, why? What's that got to do with it?"

"Do you know why he asked you to stop?"

"He was afraid I would get killed. That I would run straight ahead."

"Was he wrong?"

"Yes, … no."

"So, to be clear here. You never talked about it. Nothing was said about Castle investigating, and you are upset that he wanted to protect you."

"No, I'm angry that he did something so stupid, that he didn't trust me."

"Kate, you've told me how protective he is of the people he loves and cares about."

"So? …. oh. Don't I have a right to be upset, worried?"

"But you're not. You're angry. Is there something else regarding Castle?"

"He's leaving."

"You will need to explain. Is he ending your partnership?"

"No. I had dinner with his daughter last night. Castle faces a really long recovery, so they will be going away."

"This upsets you."

"Yes, his injuries won't let him come back. Our partnership, I don't know if I can give it up."

"It sounds like you don't have a choice. More importantly it's not like he chose to end things."

"Alexis gave me one."

"How so?"

"I can go with them."

"Kate, you need to explain this better."

"Castle's injuries are really serious; he will be months or even years recovering. Because of that he and his family are going away, somewhere private. Alexis asked me if I would be there for her dad, then told me I have to let her know by May 4th if I am going with them."

"Do you want to go?"

"No, yes, I can't quit."

"Quit what?"

"My mom's case, my job."

"Why would you have to quit either of them?"

"I can't do them if I'm not a cop …"

"Didn't you just say the FBI feels that your mom's case will be resolved soon?"

"Yes, but what if it's not?"

"So, if you stepped aside, the FBI would stop investigating?"

"No." With Kate's answer, they both flash back to the discussion they had about her not being the only cop in New York. That it was okay to let others handle things.

"What about your job, have you asked your Captain for a leave of absence or do you not want to?"

"I called you first. I haven't talked to Captain Gates."

"Do you want to talk to her?"

"I don't know."

"What are you afraid of Kate, that she will support you or that she won't?

"I don't know who I am … if I'm not a cop."

"Do you want to know?"

"I'm working on it."

"But?"

"I'm not sure I can just jump into life without being a cop."

"What are the consequences if you don't go with Castle?"

"I lose my partner. I won't see him every day. I … I don't know."

"Kate is that all Castle is to you? If so, why would not seeing him every day matter? Partners come and go in police work."

"He's more than my partner."

"Well that's a first. Think you can try a few more steps and fill in who exactly he is to you?"

"Not really."

"Why not? I know you are more than capable."

"It's not that I can't, I'm just not comfortable … especially since I haven't talked to Castle about any of this."

"That's important to you."

"Of course. I think he should hear it from me before I tell anyone else."

"Do you really think your friends and his haven't already seen what you are to each other?"

"They have."

"When do you plan to talk with him?"

"After my mom's case."

"Is that wise? Is it a risk you are willing to take?"

"It's not a risk."

"How is waiting on something this important to you not a risk? You don't control the future." Perhaps the carefully selected word "control" would trigger an epiphany.

"He was coming back. This case he worked on with Slaughter, Castle came to me for help. He knew he could trust me and I had his back." Kate barged right on past recognizing the intended thought provoking message.

"Is that enough? What if something happens to you? Shouldn't he know how you feel?"

"He's not going anywhere … well not for a few weeks. I will talk to him before the fourth."

"Does that mean you are going with him?"

"I have to talk to him first."

"Yes, but you said you will be busy with your mom's case."

"He'll wait for me."

"Kate, you've been worried for months now that he wouldn't wait. Think about whether you are willing to risk that he won't. I'm here if you need to talk more. You weren't scheduled until next Thursday, call if you want to talk before then."

Kate turns back from the window, tears streaming down her cheeks. She tries to hide her emotions, by putting on a game face. Dr. Burke offers one more thought.

"Kate, you've made a lot of progress through hard work the last six months. I'm proud of you, and if you will allow me to say so, I think if you share what we have been doing with Castle, he will be too."

Beckett is barely out of Dr. Burke's office before she texts both Ryan and Esposito, Remy's 9 breakfast. They will understand, the cryptic message tells her brothers all they need to know - she needs to talk. She gets replies almost instantly, Ryan's sent to Esposito as well 9:30? Kate replies Good.

A/N ~ Working to get the story moving again, reviews are helpful, both as encouragment and to help me understand if readers are understanding the intention of chapters. A lot of visitors to the last two chapters and yet small number of reviews. On a positive note a big swing in new followers, so I will ask if you are following consider posting a review. Either way I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was split off as stand alone, when the chapter grew to nearly 5K words with more to be added.

That's good news as the next chapter is nearly finished, some polishing, maybe editing, may end up posted without Beta. It will be up soon.

~~ Thank you, for taking the time to write a review. ~~