'Well Harry, take seat and we can discuss arrangements and stories' Albus sat at his chair and Remus took the seat next to the one Harry sat in. Harry waited patiently.
'Now then Harry, first off we have had to decide where you will stay from now on, because I am unsure as to whether sending you directly back to the tower is a good idea. Now Remus has a guest room in his quarters, which conveniently have a link up with my office, you may live there for a while, or you may sleep in the hospital wing?'
'Well, that is such a hard choice that I'll have to sleep back in my dorm so I can figure it out for a few weeks.' He joked.
'Nice try Harry, but no way kid' Remus replied for him.
Harry looked at him and smiled, 'then if you don't mind I'll stay with you, but how longs a while?'
'A while Harry is an indefinable amount of time, you can live in the dorms again when an old man decides that you are ready to do so' Albus' eyes twinkled. 'You see Harry, most patients are released into the care of their family, but I don't feel that you aunt and uncle would be able to give you enough support, so instead I have allowed for you to come back here, but I can not allow you to be in just the care of your friends at this stage.'
'I feel like such a freak, how am I supposed to explain to everyone that I'm back from training but not living with them?' he asked.
'Easy enough, we're going to tell everyone that the threat towards you has grown so you are living in the staff quarters for your safety.' Remus looked pleased to know that answer.
'I am so sick of everyone making my decisions for me, can we go to your rooms now Remus, I'm tired.' He looked away.
'No, stay a while, I want to talk some more Harry' Albus answered for his professor.
'We need to talk about your education, other than a few bits and pieces you have missed a terms work, now I see two ways around this, the first is intense make up sessions with your professors every night, and the second is repeating the second half of your fourth year, I will leave this up to you to decide.'
'Well, I suppose I should do the make up and work and get on with it, I really don't want to graduate a year behind my class, and it will look really suspicious if I go away for extra training and come back and am put into a lower group.' He mused.
'Very well, but don't push yourself to hard, you're still not well, if this gets to much then you must tell us.' Albus smiled. 'Now, on to other matters, your doctors want you to go back and see them at least twice a week, once a week for lunch with Emma, and once a week for a chat with Lainey. Also you are to report to the hospital wing here at least once a week, so we can make sure your not getting sick again. For the next week I don't want you in classes either, but I will make sure that the professors come by as often as possible so you can spend the week catching up to the others.' The tone brokered no argument and Harry looked away, already he was feeling more and more depressed and he knew it. He looked up hesitantly at Remus, his doctors had all told him that they were always available.
'Remus I want to see Bridget, can I?' he asked in hushed tones.
'Of course, you can see your doctors whenever you need too. You might have to floo to New York though, and you might have to wait if she's busy.' He added. He turned away to fire call Bridget, who said that they could go through. Harry wasn't allowed to floo alone.
Harry talked to Bridget all afternoon, and the sun was setting when she brought him back to Albus' office, only the headmaster was there, he looked weary.
'Harry, your back, come and sit down, thank you Bridget, is everything ok?' he asked looking up from his paperwork and rubbing the bridge of his nose.
'Sure Albus it will be, just keep an eye on him I guess' she said pushing Harry towards the desk, and leaving with a smile and a wave.
'So Harry, do you feel better now?' he asked.
'A little' Harry sighed deeply and sank further into the chair.
'Something tells me you weren't happy about my earlier arrangements?' he looked at Harry questioningly.
'I'm not, but I can't change things now, if I could go back in time and not stick a butchers knife in my wrist I would, it might have saved a whole lot of trouble but at the time it seemed like the only way out. I just thought that when I got out of hospital I could have my own life back, childish I suppose but nonetheless I am disappointed. Right now I hate my life and it's a whole lot worse because I know its all my own fault. I just want to live again, not have eyes watching me at every meal, or have people be reluctant to let me alone for a few minutes. I understand why its this way but I hate it.' He explained.
'Harry if I offered you the chance to get out of this all now, just end it and be done would you take it or are your goals worth fighting for, be honest?' he asked gently.
Harry thought for a while, 'No its worth it, I just feel horribly depressed, but I came this far, its worth going the last bit. You know at the end of last year I wished that the avada kedavra spell had hit, and when I was at kings cross I just prayed that someone would kill me before I got back to privet drive, no one did I was so upset, and I spent the whole summer dreaming up ways to kill myself, fantasising of my own demise, that's sick isn't it. I really wanted to die, that first night I missed the feast, I went up to the astronomy tower, and I ran my fingers along the edge and closed my eyes, I so nearly jumped then, but I wanted to say goodbye to everyone, and write a will and explanation. I was so upset when you and Remus found out, in fact I tried to avoid you almost too hard, you probably noticed.' He rolled his eyes. 'I really thought that I would get away with it, you know that the concealing charms would work for a few days until I jumped off the tower, your probably gonna stick allsorts of charms up there now to stop anyone doing that now huh?' he laughed a small tired laugh.
'I hate to disappoint you but if you had jumped you would have gradually slowed down until you landed on your feet on the ground, perfectly unscathed, expect for a petrification spell, and then I would have had you put in hospital anyway.' He smiled generously.
'I swear you think of everything' Harry laughed.
'Not quiet everything, but I once knew someone who did jump off the top tower, luckily Fawkes was out flying and caught him, to this day he calls him a damn bird, just as expect you will always call concealing charms that are too easily broken. In reality you both thank the stars each night that some deity deigned to intervene with your plans.' He replied quietly.
Harry nodded and thought for a while.
What Harry needs to know'Headmaster I want to know why voldemort wants me dead, and why I was a big enough threat to him that he wanted me dead before I could talk.'
'Maybe he had a crystal ball and saw that you would stop his evils plans before you even graduated?' the headmaster laughed.
Harry however did not, 'I know that you hide something, I heard you telling Kiesha once that under no circumstances must I die, don't worry I always knew that my wonderful personality wasn't the only reason you wanted to help, or you looked after me. There is something, something big enough for you to make me live in a cupboard, then be locked up all summer. I want know about myself, don't I have that right, to know why I'm not allowed to die, but I must live in any circumstances you see fit?' he asked incredulously.
'Yes, you do have the right to know Harry, but still I don't tell you, had you been well this year, I would have told you, you are old enough to know what I have to tell you, also you are old enough to see the consequences, but you are not strong enough. What I have to tell you may send you running back to that knife, I'm sorry but not today.' He answered.
'Right, its always something isn't it, always another reason, excuse, you never even told me about my parents, all I know is that my dad played quidditch and looked like me, and my mum had red hair and my eyes and gave her life so I could screw up mine, I just want to know damn it, and you won't tell me and neither will anyone else, even Remus and Sirius hide things at your command no doubt, why is that you think you have control over my life. Why the hell do you send me back to a hellhole every summer when people who care about me would have me stay with them? I want to understand, but you don't make it easy. The only time you show you care is when I try and kill myself, and I can't deal with that anymore, I need stability, I need to know who I am, and what the hell it is you expect me to do to get rid of voldemort, because I know you expect me to do that its written in every face I see, why is that such a hard question?' he asked on the verge of tears yet again.
'Isn't it enough for today that you never have to go back to your relatives, and that I do care for you, and not just for what you could do? Harry I love you and I'm not about to tear apart something which is tentatively fragile by getting into this right now. I also want you to believe that I wish I didn't have to expect you to kill Voldemort but I see no other ways throwing themselves at me.'
'No its not enough, sue me I'm selfish, but if you won't tell me there's little I can do. However if I have to face down Voldemort unprepared one more time, or you haven't told me by the end of the year then that's it, were through I will officially renounce my support for you and that idiot Fudge. I've been living the way you wanted but no more I've had enough. Don't worry I'll never join voldemort but I won't actively fight him either. And for the record I'm not throwing myself at your service.' He said bitterly.
'The truth by the end of the year and safety until then? That's your price?' Albus asked in a professional manner, Harry was slightly shocked but nodded anyway.
'Very well we have a deal Mr. Potter, but you do realise if you shake my hand we enter into a magically binding contract, if I keep you safe for the next few months and tell you what I know, then your in my service until the dark lord falls? You do as I ask when it comes to Voldemort, training, associations, and place of residence. Do you know how long you might sign your life away for?' The old man asked, not smiling.
Harry thought for a while, and then smiled. 'Very well, I was unaware of that fact, in that case I'll settle for a tentative agreement and forgo shaking your hand, I'll help you, but lord knows no one will own me. I had enough of people controlling me for the last few months to last forever.'
Albus nodded for a while, 'very well that is all I can expect, know that in the future decisions will not be made in this manner, I don't usually take kindly to blackmail, but this has been a difficult time for you and this is a sensitive issue, so I will let the matter rest'.
'Sir?' Harry asked in a small voice.
'Yes Harry?'
'Can I stay with you a while, I don't want to be on my own, I feel so horrible inside and I don't know what I might do, I know I won't kill myself, but I might hurt myself, I can't swear I wouldn't, please?' Harry knew what happened last time he felt his mood blackening, he had been left alone, and the consequences still affected him.
'Certainly, I will accompany you down to your new room and help you unpack your things, then perhaps we could play chess, or practice your magic, you have to build up your magical reserves again, speaking of which I have your wand, but given your current mood you can have it in the morning.' He smiled at Harry knowingly.
Harry said nothing in return to this, but pouted half-heartedly all the same, he had waited months he could wait until morning, and if the headmaster decided he wanted to cast spells tonight perhaps he would get it anyway.
'Lets go then, before I change my mind and throw myself of the top tower to see if your charms work'. He joked.
'You dare and I'll hex you so hard you won't walk for a week.' Albus' face showed mock seriousness.
Harry laughed loudly, he already felt better.
They went through a direct passage way that linked to Remus' rooms, and Harry's stuff was already there, the first thing he did was change out hospital issue robes, which were coloured depending on your department, his had been bright red. They wanted to make you noticeable encase you tried to run.
As it turned out they did play chess, then went through some books on charms and Albus gave Harry some dinner in the rooms, along with the reminder that he would be eating dinner in the rooms with Remus from now on, basically so they could ensure he had at least one meal a day. Other meals he could eat with his friends, and the week after next he could go to class. Harry decided that he should sleep at about 9pm, as he was tired and unused to sleeping late. In fact if he could he had been taking catnaps through the day too. Albus stayed in the sitting area until Remus returned from lesson preparations at 9.30 pm and told Remus of the afternoons trials and tribulations.
Old FriendsThe next day Remus woke Harry at 7.30am, he groaned and tried to go back to sleep, but it didn't work well and Remus eventually dragged him to breakfast. The hardest thing so far, face the public when everyone was staring. The headmaster then stood and told everyone he was back and not to question him over his whereabouts or training.
Remus had told Ron and Hermione of Harry's return at dinner last night, they had been overjoyed but apprehensive, it was now partially their responsibility to look after their wayward friend. At first glimpse he looked too thin, but they had never seen him how he had been after the charms came down, but looking more closely he looked ok, almost healthy.
Hermione got up and hugged Harry in front of the whole school; Harry turned pink, but was pleased too Hermione had got prettier in his absence. He saw her tearing up a little and wiped them away before anyone else noticed, it wouldn't do for anyone to be suspicious as to Harry's real whereabouts. 'I missed you Harry, and don't you ever do that again, you hear?' she asked mock sternly.
'Yes maam, never again, I understand' he mock saluted and she giggled, it broke the ice.
Next it was Ron's turn, he patted Harry on the back and whispered something in Harry's ear, and from this Harry surmised things were ok and smiled back. The professors at the head table saw this and breathed a sigh of relief, Harry Potter had completed the trio, and Hogwarts could go back to normal. All the teachers had noticed the other two becoming more sullen, and their work less than perfect in his absence. Harry had missed his friends and Albus knew that better than anyone, they completed each other, a fine balance of qualities between them and if his predictions were right they would only get closer. Especially Harry and Hermione.
After the meal Harry was unsure of what to do, but this was quickly resolved when Remus came over and led him away back to the staff quarters. Harry waved goodbye to all his friends and yielded to Remus' guidance.
'What are we doing Remus?' he asked curiously.
'Good question, I have a surprise for you, come on' he started to walk faster, Harry was struggling to keep up, thanks to recent illnesses and spending to much time in bed he was a little weak.
'Oh, sorry Harry I forgot' Remus said and slowed a little, Harry hated himself for being this slow, and just hung his head. Remus ruffled his hair but kept on walking. They got to a portrait of Denzal Doubleface, a famous wizard who charmed his head to show his face both sides, a great feat, if not a little pointless.
'Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs.' Remus stated, Denzal bowed, which was weird, what with his face, and admitted them. Harry was curious as to what was in the room after the unusual but familiar password.
The door opened and Remus pulled Harry through excitedly.
As soon as the portrait closed a large black dog, or blur flung itself at Harry knocking him back against the wall, and licking his face. He giggled and pushed the dog back half-heartedly whilst wiping his face on his sleeve.
When Harry turned back to the dog, a black haired, blue-eyed human, otherwise known as Sirius Black, had replaced it.
Sirius pulled Harry in to a hug wordlessly, then held Harry at arms length and looked him up and down, before nodding. 'Better, definitely better, less bones sticking out' he said as if he were examining a piece of furniture or art – stroking his chin with his hand.
Harry started to feel self-conscious and the look must have shown, because Remus hit Sirius round the head lightly. Sirius laughed and Harry knew he had been joking and started to loosen up a little too. At this he was pulled into another bone crushing hug and when he thought he was about to die from lack of oxygen he was let go again.
'Its good to see you again, I've been worried as always, and you really are looking better again. I brought you some birthday gifts as I couldn't give you any over the summer, and they didn't like anything remotely interesting at that hospital'. Sirius watched Harry carefully for a reaction but was rewarded only with a smile.
Harry opened the three gifts that lay on the table. One was a necklace with a snake pendant, Sirius was explaining that it had a major protection spell over it that would alert you to danger and block some curses and hexes. Sirius came over and put the pendant on, Harry felt something strange when the catch clicked shut, and he smiled up at his godfather. 'Sirius?'
'Yes Harry' Sirius smiled knowingly.
'I can't take this off now can I?' he accused, but not meanly.
Sirius laughed at the look of mock anger on Harry's face. 'How'd you guess?'
'Just a feeling I got as the catch snapped. Harry took a good look at the pendant still smiling, and went to tell Sirius 'thank you', but all that came out was hisses, 'Oh Shit' he said again in hisses.
He looked away from the snake and closed his eyes telling himself to focus. He opened his eyes and Sirius and Remus were staring at him opened mouthed, that's right, they didn't know, how could they.
'Erm, Harry, is there something I should know about?' Sirius asked seriously.
'Yes, I'm a parselmouth, a pretty little gift from Voldemort, do you like it, I suppose you could call it a Halloween gift?' he said lightly.
'Oh' said Sirius still looking bemused.
'God damn it you two, snap out of it right now, no big deal, its useful, I like snakes, and no, I am not evil.' He yelled loudly.
'We know, sorry Harry, just a bit of a shock, the only other I know is Voldemort.' Remus said calmly, punching Sirius lightly. Sirius pulled himself together and nodded along with Remus' statement.
'S'ok I'm used to people staring at me for one reason or another' he sighed and tugged the little pendant on his neck, and hissed a few soft words no one else understood then leaned over to open the next present, a potions book.
Harry stared at the book, then back at his godfather, and though about seeing if he was running a fever, but smiled politely nonetheless. Sirius and Remus burst out laughing.
'I know you don't like potions, but you can make these on your own, and there's some useful ones, open it and see.' Sirius suggested.
Harry slowly opened the book, inside were a number of useful potions, most of which didn't need to have ingredients he'd need to steal, or ahem borrow from Snape. The first chapter had various different sleeping potions, the next had potions that worked like cheering charms but more subtle. The other chapters had no particular subject but toward the back were potions that would change hair colour, cause extra limbs to grow, etc. On one page there was an appetite enhancer and suppressor. Sirius gave Harry a warning glance as he perused the page but said nothing. Harry thanked him properly for the gift. He was grateful.
The third gift has chocolate frog in it, Harry squealed like a small child and opened the packet throwing one each to Sirius and Remus before ripping open one for himself and eating it happily. Chocolate was his favourite food. His godfather laughed, thankful that Harry was happy, but mindful that his moods still changed faster than lightening.
A New Life and Snape?It had been decided by the powers that be, otherwise known as Albus Dumbledore, that Sirius could stay at Hogwarts for the next few weeks at least, staying in the hidden quarters nearly all the time, but it was ok because he had a small kitchen, a house elf, a small sitting area, a bedroom and a nice bathroom. To top it off he had Harry about half his waking hours. They had bonding time, but on top of that Sirius started to help Harry catch up with his schoolwork, as Sirius was good at nearly everything and always available, it was a good plan.
The only thing Sirius couldn't do was potions and divination. Nobody cared if Harry missed divination, but he had to visit with Snape twice a week, and choose a two month long assignment, the class were all doing polyjuice but Snape was being super nice and said that Harry could pick his own project out of an advanced potion book he gave him. Snape seemed a whole lot nicer all round and Harry wondered why, he guessed Snape had been ordered to be nice because of his suicide attempt.
Harry chose Veritaserum to make, it would take a month and a half to brew properly, and Snape got him the ingredients and put them in Harry's store so he could start preparing them tomorrow.
After this had happened Harry got very confused because Snape conjured comfy chairs and asked Harry to sit in one of them.
'Mr. Potter, it has been brought to my attention that you made an attempt on your life during your time away from us?' he started in a soft but not dangerous voice.
'And?' he asked coldly turning his head away from Snape.
'Don't be insolent Harry, I was merely offering my support, and apologising for my past treatment of you, I thought that you were spoilt with an over inflated ego, however it seems that I was wrong, and I will admit it, so I am sorry.' He said primly.
Snape! Apologising?
'Oh, I, err, thank you?' he offered weakly.
A dry chuckle escaped the other mans lips, 'your quite welcome, and I meant it about support too, I'm not completely blind in this particular area and I understand some of what you are going through, sometimes with a suicide attempt, trying to get your life back together and win back trust is harder than recovery or the actual attempt.'
Harry bit his lip hard and looked down, he needed to go now back to the loving arms of Sirius so he could forget that eyes followed him everywhere and that he was never truly allowed alone.
'Thanks, I need to get back now, goodbye' he stood up trying to paste on a smile.
'Tut tut Harry, always running away from your problems, and that fake smile is no better than a concealing charm, stop hiding, it hurts so say so, don't always plaster on a smile and make an excuse to leave.' He sat back relaxed looking up at the young gryfinndor.
'I don't always, not now anyway, not with Remus or Sirius, and sometimes not with the headmaster, but your different, you've been nice to me for 1 night and horrid for 4 years, I don't blame you but I can't just open up and trust you, I'm sorry.' He said quietly.
'I understand, you may go, but if you need to talk about things the others don't get, like why they lock the doors on a night so you can't get out, or why you can't go to class yet, stop by, ok?' he said with a smile.
'Thank you sir' Harry said and then left, that had been a very interesting meeting.
A Night OutWhen he returned to his and Remus' quarters Remus told him it was time for bed, Harry had some trouble getting used to having an imposed bed time, after all they usually stayed up until they were tired in the tower and in hospital he slept when he wanted or could. The only reason he was sent to bed mostly was because they didn't want him to over stress himself, and also because everyone was busy after 9pm, marking and planning, they didn't have so much time to watch him.
Harry decided when he had got into his room that he would not be able to sleep, and took out his new potions book, and read for a while. He wanted to try one out, a draught of the living dead, it was a quick potion to make, and it had simple ingredients, the only problem was it was complex in its brewing. It would make the drinker sleep for three days. To Harry who was often tired it seemed like a good idea.
He got into the large soft bed, and curled around his pillow, watching his pendant and hissing in parseltongue, something he found soothing. He really wished it were a real snake that could hiss softly to him too. He got lonely on these long nights without his dorm mates and with the doors to the quarters firmly shut and locked.
That was when he decided that he had had enough. He got up quietly to look through his trunk, he picked out James Potter's old cloak, he would grab the map but he didn't have it back from Dumbledore yet. He also picked up his wand.
He went over to his door covered in the cloak, and opened it slowly and gently trying not to attract attention from Remus who was in the other room. He pushed it back shut quietly once safely in the main hall of the quarters.
He tiptoed over to the main and locked door. He tried the common first year unlocking spells, none of which worked, he tried an advanced locking spell, that didn't work either, so he decided to be a muggle for a few minutes, he put away his wand and went back to his trunk, and dug around until he found a muggle hair grip that Fred had given him after the summer before 2nd year.
He went back to the main door, and began to pick the lock, it worked. Considering Remus used to be a marauder Harry thought he should no the first thing to do would be to put an anti picking charm over the door, but still wizards could be short sighted. A fact for which Harry was relieved, he was free, no one was watching him and he wasn't locked in.
He wandered along the hallways for hours, paying no particular attention to where he was going, then found himself near a door to the grounds and went outside. This really made him feel alive; being outside and alone was unheard of completely at the moment, especially in the middle of the night.
He walked slowly around, breathing in the cold air, and found a firm piece of ground to sit on my the lake, and spent the hours until daybreak staring at the water, he had seen the others looking for him around various places, and froze completely when Padfoot had come out, Harry was sure he would smell him, but he didn't come Harry's direction, so Harry let out a huge breath of relief. By daybreak none of the staff were anywhere to be seen, and Harry felt a little guilty about disturbing their sleep. He pulled the cloak tighter; he was cold from a night outside in winter. Thankfully it wasn't that cold, and there was no ice on the ground. He got up and stretched his stiff limbs, and went to go back to the castle. Inside the castle he decided to go straight to the headmasters office, as they knew he had been out anyway.
However on the way he heard a familiar voice in the next corridor, he silently looked around, Remus was stood there talking to Kiesha his doctor, looking most worried. He decided to give himself up now, and walked over, pulling off the cloak on the way, clearing his throat.
Remus and Kiesha's head whipped around, and Remus looked shocked, relieved and angry all at once, Kiesha looked vaguely amused at her young patient, but also slightly relieved.
'Harry, where the hell have you been, do you have any idea how worried we were?' he yelled.
'Erm well, I err needed sometime alone and I couldn't sleep, but y'all insist on sending to me to bed anyway, so I walked around then sat by the lake, no need for you to worry'. He stated nervously but growing in confidence with each word.
'I have every reason to worry, when we hadn't found you by morning we called your doctors, but your back now, and grounded I might add.' He said sternly.
Harry was annoyed now, why wouldn't they just trust him a little. 'Fine, I was under the impression I was grounded before, so it won't make any difference.' He said coolly.
'Hey Harry, you wanna come to New York for a chat' Kiesha asked casually it wasn't really a question.
'Do I have a choice?' he asked bitterly.
'No, not really, come on I won't bite, but your friend here might.' Kiesha joked, she knew about his condition. This made Harry and Remus both laugh.
'Ok, you win, come on then' he sighed walking toward the headmasters office so they could floo to the doctors office.
'Come on in and sit down' she invited when they landed.
Harry did as she said, settling into a soft chair by the door. She perched against her desk looking at him thoughtfully.
'Am I in trouble?' he asked softly.
'Trouble? No not really, not with me anyhow, you want to tell me about running away last night?' she asked casually.
'I just wanted to go out, I didn't run away, you don't understand what its like there' he shook his head.
'So tell me, and then I might' she inclined her head and smiled a little.
'Its ok most of the time in the day, I know there always around, but it doesn't matter, but at night, there isn't anyone to follow me around so they send me to bed, Kiesha I'm 15, and I don't sleep often anyhow, so I feel trapped and alone, and I hate it. Last night I decided to stand on my own two feet and go out on my own for the first time since last June. So I got through the locks on our chambers door, and I had my dad's old invisibility cloak too, so I walked around for a while, and then I saw doors to outside, and it just called to me, and I felt so alive. Now I get to come here and tell you all about it just because I left my bedroom in the night, but I'm fine now, I didn't hurt myself, or try to kill myself, why won't they just trust me? I can't take this much longer I'll explode.' He finished near tears again.
Kiesha hugged him a little, then they talked some more, and Harry went back to Hogwart's to talk with his 'guardians'.
What Remus Wants to KnowRemus looked tired, Sirius was half way between hugging and hitting him and Albus just sighed and smiled, ruffling his hair a little.
Remus took him back to the rooms, and on the way started asking questions, one of these was, 'How'd you get out, I've always been proud of my locking charms?'
'If you don't know I'm not telling, but remember I am James Potter's son, of the famous marauders.' He laughed and so did Remus.
'True, I'll have to think up new ones I suppose' he sighed scratching his chin in thought.
Harry burst out laughing in hysterics; there was nothing wrong with the silly complex charm, just the fact that he forgot to add anti lock picking charms too.
'What's funny?' Remus asked looking mock hurt.
Harry smiled innocently, 'Nothing' he trilled.
'What, tell me now?' he asked impatiently like a small child.
'What's it worth?' Harry pushed.
'Err, a chocolate frog?' Remus answered.
'Not good enough, I want to see Ron and Hermione in the tower tonight at nine instead of being sent to bed' he bargained.
'Fine, but you have to be back by 10.30 exactly' he sighed exasperatedly.
Harry laughed in joy; he was getting better at the blackmail stuff.
'So now tell me?' Remus asked again.
'Ok, your charm was wonderful, I couldn't break through it if I sat there a whole year' he answered slowly.
'So, how'd you get out?' Remus was getting jumpy about his charms work now.
'well like I told you I'm the son of a marauder and a close friend of the Weasley twins.' He answered.
'And, so, what's that got to do with it?'
'Your thick sometimes, you forgot that I was raised a muggle, and can pick locks, so your charms was wasted without a very basic picking charm.' He laughed.
'Shit, your right I am thick, I did forget that one' he flushed in embarrassment.
'Yep, you did, but really you don't need to be so careful locking the door, I won't kill myself in the night, I have plenty of opportunity anyway, after all I have a wand, if I wanted to be dead, I would be, or I'd be back in hospital, just trust me a little?'
Remus shook his head in thought, 'I wish I could, but when those concealment charms came down, you have no idea how horrific it was Harry you went from healthy looking to looking like death, you were a bluish colour, I thought you would die, its hard to get over that, especially if you care about that person.'
'But, you check once a week for charms, and I can hardly get that bad over one night, that stylish look took months to achieve I'll have you know!' he joked.
'I know' Remus sighed and stroked Harry's head lightly, 'and I'm sorry, but you have to be patient a while longer, its Albus' decision too, and he saw you looking like death with a knife in your arm, it takes us a while too'
Harry was silent for a while, then he heard and old echo in his head, 'but if you need to talk about things the others don't get like why they lock the doors on a night so you can't get out, or why you can't go to classes yet, stop by, ok?' Snape had offered perhaps, just maybe he could go.
A Visit to Snape and a Long SleepThe next day Harry had made up his mind, he was going to see his potions professor.
'Remus, can I go and Professor Snape about my Veritaserum, I'm confused on one of the steps?' he asked not wanting to discuss the real reason.
'Sure, you think you can find your own way or would you like a guide?' he joked kindly.
'I think I can go on my own, I might be a while, the potions complicated' he added just in case.
'Ok, I think Sirius wants to go over some practical defence later, so don't get too tired' Remus said starting to move away.
'Oh, but I wanted to do something else later' Harry pouted.
'What?'
'Not telling, nothing dangerous, I just need about an hour when I come back, ok?'
'Sure I guess, its not like Sirius has much else to do.' He sighed as Harry left.
Harry did talk to Snape for a while, it didn't change the situation, but it helped to get everything of his chest and clear things up.
What he wanted to do in the afternoon was make the sleeping potion he had read about. So he took the ingredients from his store after speaking with the potions master and went back to his room hiding them until he was at his desk. He put a locking spell on the door, as well as a warning if anyone was coming. Fortunately Remus was out at a class.
He chopped and stirred for about 45 minutes, finally the potion looked right, a black tar like consistency. He put it into three vials. The first to drink, and the other two he transfigured into old letters from Ron, and hid in his draw. He changed into pyjamas and got into bed clutching the vial. He remembered to take the charms off the door, then cast a quick look around before swallowing. Three seconds later he was asleep. Nothing could wake him for three days and nights, and he would not dream.
When Remus got back, he was surprised to see Harry asleep, as he was meant to go to Sirius, but supposed he was tired from wandering last night so left it. A few hours later he decided Harry should get up and eat dinner, so he might sleep again that night. Except when he went to wake Harry he wouldn't wake. Remus panicked a little, and it got worse when he found the vial, his first thought was poison, so he took it to Snape to analyse the dregs that remained.
Snape was worried too when Remus came in, the boy had been ok a few minutes a go, surely he wouldn't of been planning this! However after about five minutes of testing the potion he nearly laughed in relief, and walked back over to Remus smiling.
'Its ok he won't die, nor was he trying to, Harry was obviously quite tired though, this is draft of the living dead, he won't wake for three days no matter what you do, perfectly made too, thankfully, I'm quite impressed he's normally useless in potions class.' He shook his head and handed Remus the vial.
Remus let out a sigh of pure relief.
'By the way, all recipes for that potion make far more than that, and there is probably either a caldron full somewhere, or at least two more vials, if you don't want him asleep for this long again, I'd find them.' He smirked at the werewolf.
'I'll check his things, but I doubt he left them lying about.' He sighed and walked out, thanking Snape, and going to tell Albus and Padfoot his latest news.
Hidden Vials and ReactionsHarry blearily opened one eye, had it worked? He felt like it had, and there were four people stood over his bed, the best option might be pretending to sleep still.
'Harry, I know you just woke up' Albus giggled almost.
Harry rubbed his eyes a few times and sat up slowly, and looked at the faces in front of him which held an expression between amusement and anger, all except Snape, who had a pronounced look of amusement and respect on his face.
'Congratulations Mr. Potter, on the finest drafts of potion I have seen you make, ever, care to tell me where the other two or three are?' Snape asked.
'Others professor?' he asked in a would be innocent voice.
'Yes, I know the volume the recipe you used makes, and forgive me, but you are not skilled enough to modify it, so there should be at least two more vials, where are they?' he asked silkily.
'You mean to tell me you haven't found them yet?' he smiled broadly, 'Excellent at least I know how to hide things well' he laughed and then straightened up at the look on his godfathers face.
'Did you miss me Padfoot, forgive me was tired, I hadn't slept through the night in ages.' He added sincerely.
'Mmmm, Ok but you have to tell us where the other vials are, and next time make the regular potion and sleep for four hours Ok?' he asked.
'Sure, I won't take that one anymore, professor Snape can have the rest if he can find it' he teased.
'No, you have to show us where they are, we have been looking for them for three days!' Remus added, smiling.
'Ok' Harry gave in with a large smile across his face as he walked over to the top draw of his dresser and took out the two letters and placed them on the desk top. He turned and smirked at the unbelievable faces behind him, before turning back and waving his wand lazily over the parchment, to vials of potion appeared.
Snape went over to them and examined them closely, then smiled and pocketed them.
'Thank you Mr. Potter, most useful, I must say I await the result of your veritaserum experiment with anticipation. If you can brew potions of this quality then you have lost many unnecessary house points over the years.' He turned and strode out in typical Snape style.
'Wow Harry, I think you just got a compliment from Snape, I never saw that happen to a non slytherin before' Sirius gaped openly.
Harry laughed; 'He's not so bad, he was helping me a bit, do you remember I asked to see him, and told you it was about a potion?' he looked at Remus.
Remus nodded.
'I lied, I went to talk to him about the way you guys kept following me around, he offered one night he was helping me pick a potion, and I decided to go see what he had to say, and really you all misjudge him'. He said seriously.
The twinkle in Albus' eye went mad, and he smiled deeply, the other two just frowned and then nodded, looking at each other for reassurance that Harry was mentally ok and the potion hadn't addled his brains. Harry just shook his head in amusement at the pair and smiled back at Albus.
The Ultimatum'Well Harry, do you feel rested enough to get up yet, I have some potions from Emma, she asks that you take them when you awake?' Albus asked.
'Really, what potions?' Harry wrinkled his nose in confusion and distaste.
'Well she was rather upset that you wouldn't be eating for three days, so she sent various nutrition potions to make up for it, and she wants to see you immediately if you don't take them' he chastised gently.
'Ok, I guess I will then' he gave in.
'Good here you are.' Albus smiled merrily. He handed Harry three vials, one deep red, one violet and one electric blue.
Harry drank the red one first; it was ok and tasted like cherry. The second one tasted horrible, and his face must have shown revulsion because Remus laughed. The third one was worse and the moment he swallowed he gagged. Sirius jumped forward and held a hand over his mouth effectively pinning him down.
'Oh no you don't, you have to keep those inside' Harry relaxed, 'Good, if I let you go you aren't going to throw up are you?'
Harry shook his head no.
'Good' Sirius carefully moved away and Harry scowled at him but said nothing.
'I'm going to kill Emma, I'm never trusting anything that colour again' he growled.
'Well, now you have to eat some real food, hungry?' Albus asked kindly.
'No, I don't want too'.
'Why not?'
'I'm not hungry, and that stuff made me feel sick.'
'Fine, but you have to eat before the end of the day or you have to see Emma.'
'Why?' he asked confused.
'Well, you will have voluntarily not eaten for three days or more, under hospital outpatient guidelines you have to see a doctor if that happens.' Remus explained.
'Oh wonderful, how long do these guidelines have effect?' he asked sarcastically.
'A year after release from hospital, providing you don't relapse, then it's a year from the end of relapse treatment.'
'Ok, does this count as a relapse?'
'No, just counts as you being stubborn, its only a relapse if Emma thinks your really getting ill again'.
Harry nodded.
'Harry, do you want some food now?' Albus rejoined the conversation.
'No' he whispered. He couldn't explain it but he knew at that minute he just could not eat, he hated to be disappointing like this but he couldn't help it or explain.
Albus nodded and all the adults left the room leaving him to rest some more. Harry curled up in a ball and silently cried, he didn't want to get ill again but he just could not eat. He wanted to run away and hide because he knew that come dinner time his headmaster would take him to see his doctor, it wasn't that he didn't want to see Emma, just that he was slightly afraid of what she would say. Harry did not run away though, he just dried his tears and got dressed. Then he sat and read a book on curses quietly.
Later on he fell back asleep, and no one woke him up at dinnertime because he looked so peaceful, they just levitated him into bed and let him sleep until morning.
Harry awoke to sunlight coming in through the curtains, and realised he had fallen asleep and stayed sleeping all night. They hadn't taken him to Emma, for that he was glad, but he knew they would take him when he didn't eat breakfast, he wouldn't eat it, he still felt the same.
Back at the hospitalIt was Remus who took him through the fire to the hospital. He left Harry in reception and went to find Emma. Remus explained the situation to her, and she knew what she should do, but she didn't want to hurt Harry in that way. She thought about it for a minute, and then resolved to go by the book and give the recommended treatment despite her personal reservations.
She stopped one of her nurses, 'Mr Potter is in reception, take him to room 412, usual 3 day treatment.' She ordered and then turned back to Remus.
'I'll keep him in until about 2ish, make sure someone is about to give him support afterwards.' She smiled and touched him lightly on the arm.
'Why?' he asked surprised.
'He won't like the treatment much, but it is the hospitals policy, and it may just help, and be a clear warning.' She said softly looking him in the eyes. Leaving it at that.
He sighed and nodded, and then left worrying about his friend's son's welfare.
Meanwhile, a stern looking nurse had approached Harry. 'Mr. Potter?'
'Yes?' he asked surprised not to see Emma.
'This way please' she walked away, and he followed her into a small room, not unlike the one he had stayed in before.
'Up on the bed if you would' she pointed at the single bed that was dead centre in the room.
'Sure' Harry kicked off his shoes and sat down on the bed.
'Ok, good, now settle back and make yourself comfortable.' She spoke more softly now.
Harry complied wondering if she was going to examine him, but as that thought went through his head he heard a familiar string of Latin pass her lips. All of a sudden he was bonded tightly to the bed. He began to shout and scream at the nurse but to no avail. She simply walked over to him and started linking up a machine to him. They were feeding him.
Panic flooded him, how long were they keeping him here? He was about to voice these worries again but the nurse had left and he found himself alone and unable to move very far at all. Certainly not far enough to remove the machine.
Harry wasn't sure how long he lay on the hospital bed, but it felt like all day had passed. Finally he heard the door creak open. Now he would find out what was going on. The same nurse came back into the room.
'Who are you and why are you keeping me here?' he demanded.
'I am a nurse Mr. Potter, and I am not keeping you here, your doctor is, now I will take you to see her, just relax while I sort everything out.' She ordered briskly.
Harry followed the nurse along the corridor to a small familiar office. She knocked once and pushed Harry through the door then left closing the door behind her.
'Ah, come and sit down Harry, I imagine your rather confused.' She pointed to a chair opposite her desk.
'Yes' he answered softly, 'Why are you doing this to me, I don't understand.'
'You wouldn't eat on your own and you had four days food to catch up on, I know you won't like the way I went about it but that is the prescribed treatment Harry, I am not keeping you here, you can go home after our chat.' She explained.
'You scared me.' He said somewhat indignantly, 'you could have come and explained first, the nurse didn't tell me anything.'
'I know, but that was because I meant to scare you. I don't want to see you back in here Harry but if continue not eating I will have no choice. Consider this a warning, if you do not eat for another three days I will use the same treatment, then you will have three more days and I will readmit you indefinitely. I don't care if you didn't lose an ounce of weight, you will have starved yourself for ten days, which is something I will not tolerate. Also this will last for the next month, if I have to see you for this twice more I will admit you back in, I don't care if its consecutive. So go home, rest and more importantly eat, I'll see you in three days time, don't make me have reason to treat you then too.' She lectured him.
Harry just wrapped his arms around his knees and tucked them under his chin, and nodded, not looking directly at his doctor.
'Its so easy getting ill Harry, but getting better is one of the hardest things you have to do. I have faith in you, you can do it. Let today be a guide you don't want to be here, it hurts you and takes away all control.' Emma spoke more softly, then went over to where he was sat curled up and gently drew him into her arms, he cried for a while but relaxed into the hug.
'Help me.' He whispered into her robes, 'I don't know if I can do this anymore, I just completely lost my appetite, I can't eat and I'm not doing it on purpose. I feel so bad that I'm disappointing everybody and I don't know what to do.'
'I don't know what to do for you love, I can't make you want to eat, I can force you eat, or I can try to stimulate your appetite but only you can change your feelings.' She rubbed his back a little. 'I don't want you worrying about anyone else either, just yourself, you are not disappointing anybody as long as you try your best to gain control of this and get better. We all understand that recovery is a long process, and sometimes for every two steps forward you take a step and a half back. Now why don't you go back to Remus and Albus and tell them how horrid I am to you'. She joked.
He smiled weakly and giggled somewhat.
'Hey Harry, you ok?' Remus enquired as he stepped out of the grate at Hogwarts.
Harry shook his head, 'no but I will be'.
Problematic transfiguration and Bruising SweetsRemus just nodded and Harry left and went to study transfiguration in his room. He was studying animal transfigurations, and ended up with one legged mice, and bats with five wings.
Dumbledore came in just as he was waving his wand erratically at a pink rabbit, in sheer frustration, at his off magical skills and all his other problems.
Dumbledore laughed loudly, and Harry turned around, gave a highly petulant look and stomped over to throw himself in a chair.
'Mr Potter, you will have to show me that wand movement, in all my years as a teacher I've never seen it done like that before, and that is a lovely variation on the bat spell, would you like to talk about it?' he said in the same way as if offering a sherbet lemon.
'What about the bat?' Harry asked cheekily.
'If you want my dear boy, but I was rather thinking of your earlier outing.' He replied seriously, giving Harry a very piecing look.
Harry looked glum, 'Do I have to?'
'No, but it might help give the mouse the correct number of limbs.' He smiled kindly and sat down too.
'I messed up' Harry said simply. Albus didn't make comment so he continued. 'Emma made me get magically fed, and the nurse put the bonds around my bed, and they didn't tell me what was happening, and I was so scared. Then the nurse came back after a few hours and took me to Emma and we talked for a while, but I feel so useless because I still can't eat dammit, and I want to, I hate being ill but I can't help it. I don't know what to do anymore, I have six days and then I have to go back to hospital to stay.' He finished on the verge of tears. Albus wordlessly pulled him into a hug and then he did cry.
'You will get better Harry, you have to believe you can though, and I know you don't want to go back into hospital but if it comes to that it won't be so bad, it helped last time. Just try to eat, just a bit in the next few days and you can stay here, as long as you are eating something, and not losing too much weight Emma will allow you to stay.' He reassured.
Harry nodded and straightened up, looking a little embarrassed for crying on his headmaster. Neither said anything for a while, and just when the silence was getting awkward; Sirius popped his head around the door.
'Not disturbing you am I?' he asked upon seeing Albus.
'No, no we finished our discussion thank you.' Albus said coming out of his reverie.
'Good' Sirius came into the room and hugged Harry briefly, pulling out a bag of sweets and giving them to his godson.
Harry looked incredulously at the sweets and back to his godfather several times, Albus watched with interest.
'Wrong flavour?' Sirius asked in an innocent but at the same time warning tone.
Harry put his head down on the desk and broke into noisy tears.
'Most definitely the wrong flavour Sirius' Albus agreed.
Harry stopped crying, and after looking at the innocent expressions on both men's faces started laughing loudly instead. He opened the sweets and threw a handful in their general direction, meaning to pelt them and leave bruises. Then picked up an other one and stared at it intently for a moment as if expecting it to move, (which in the wizarding world was likely). It didn't move and after another moment or two he looked Sirius straight in the eye and ate it.
The two men both watched as this scene unfolded and were ecstatic when Harry actually ate the sweet, but both also knew better than to show it, so kept neutral faces and Harry turned around and gave his mouse four legs with one perfect fluid wand movement.
'So, feel up to some curse deflection?' Sirius asked casually.
'Only if I get to curse and you deflect.' He replied smirking at his godfather.
'You wish, I'm the teacher remember?'
'Yes, so you need to teach me how to use curses and break through shields and deflections.' He reasoned in a logical, explaining voice.
'Nice try, perhaps Remus can teach you that next week.' He laughed and sent a tickling charm at Harry, who wasn't expecting it, so didn't duck; he fell to the floor clutching his sides.
'See you need practice.' Sirius said cheerfully. Albus laughed out loud and then swept from the room. Leaving Harry and Sirius to their sweets and lessons.
A Month Later and Trouble by the Bucket Load'Dammit Harry, no, you are not going and that is final, understand?' Remus yelled losing his normally easily controlled temper.
'Why not, how many times do I have to prove myself, I'm stronger now, please.' Harry begged, half angry, half pleading tone.
'No' Remus roared, 'Get to your bloody room before I do something I regret Harry' Remus frogmarched him across to his bedroom, pushed him in and slammed the door shut and locked with his wand.
Harry who was still not always fully in control of his emotions and hormones since his illness, banged on the door hard and burst into noisy tears.
Remus heard the tears and put his head in his hands, sometimes he wondered if taking Harry on was a bit much now, especially with Sirius gone again and visits to the doctor cut down. Albus didn't bother so much either now Harry looked healthy and attended most classes. It was mostly up to him, and Harry resented him for it, now Harry was mostly well he rarely needed the shoulder to cry on, or someone to hold when the darkness set in. Remus often felt like he had outlived his use, and was now living as a dictator, or impediment to Harry's freedom.
Harry's friends were going to Hogsmeade this weekend, the Christmas visit, Harry wanted to spend some rare free time with them, and Remus had, as usual with most things Harry wanted at the moment, said no. He hated telling a 15-year-old no, he couldn't see his friends, his peers, but Harry's magic was still not strong enough to protect him, so his status was strictly no going off grounds and no going outside without an adult, also no wandering the corridors alone, and not without and an adult after dark.
Snape had surprised Remus a few times by turning up and taking Harry out for a walk sometimes. This did help somewhat, as despite the almost legendary dislike they held for each other Harry always came back calmer than before.
Just as Remus was thinking about this there was a quick rap on the door. He opened it and there stood Snape scowl set in place.
'Well where is he Lupin, I don't have all day' Snape snarled his eyes scanning the room for Harry, who had thankfully stopped sobbing.
'Locked in his room, this isn't a good time Snape.' Remus sighed exasperatedly.
Snape said nothing but swept over and unlocked the door wordlessly. Harry was sitting on the floor in a ball, and Snape knew that was Harry's way of hiding, where Harry always sat when he felt depressed.
'Oh, come on get up boy.' Snape said, but not as harshly as usual.
Harry stumbled to his feet, refusing to meet Snape's eye.
'We're going out boy, off grounds, get a coat.'
'O.off grounds?' Harry asked incredulously.
'Yes, get a move on, I have a potion to finish tonight.' He said impatiently, but his eyes belayed a hint of something else.
'Snape, that's not a good idea, Dumbledore said…' Lupin began.
'I am aware of that Lupin, but from the state I just found you two in it would be wise not to interfere.' Snape turned back to Harry. 'Ready Potter?'
'Yes sir.' Harry said softly.
'Good, follow me' Snape ordered and turned around and stalked off so his robes billowed impressively.
Harry followed Snape as far as the willow, 'Stay back, the last thing I need is you injured' Snape said while prodding the knot to enter the passage.
Harry kept following and eventually found himself in the shrieking shack.
'Right, I need to go to a muggle laboratory in South London, we need to apparate and blend in, I'm going to change your clothes, ok?' Snape said, it wasn't exactly a question you answered if you wanted to still have a head.
Snape flicked his wand at Harry and himself, and they both appeared in very ordinary muggle wear.
'Good, now come here…, no closer boy, I have to touch you as much as possible for this to work, do you want half of you to be left here?' Snape snarled.
Harry leapt forward until he was within Snape's grasp and found himself pulled tightly against another body. Then he saw his setting fade and reappear somewhere else.
Almost Running
'Well, we are here, come lets find the part we need.' Snape grabbed Harry's arm and started to walk briskly.
Harry noticed they were in a fairly seedy area, full of small houses and back alleys, perfect to get lost in… perhaps he could just…
He felt the grip on his arm tighten considerably as he was swung around to face an angry potions master.
'Don't even think it Potter, you're not going anywhere, if you run I will just use a simple accio charm until you fall right back into my grip, then I will kill you, and allow Lupin to lock you up for as long as he likes. I trusted you enough to bring you out, do not repay me that way.' The grip loosened again.
Harry just nodded and looked away, ashamed at what he had been about to do.
'Then we have an understanding, come on lets find the idiot muggle who has my parecetamol, and get out of here.' Snape was softer again now.
'Sir, why do you need to come here to get that, loads of muggle shops sell it?' Harry asked curiously.
'Use your brain Potter, I use them in the headache potions, I just increase their effects with added ingredients, but muggle stores only allow you to buy 40 tablets at a time, I do not wish to go shopping every week, this place, well lets just say I know the chemist, he will sell me 1000, and then I don't have to come back for a while, understand?' Snape asked sarcastically.
'Yes, sorry.' Harry muttered.
Snape got his things and then apparated them straight back to the shack. Harry followed him back through the passage and into the school.
'Good, so you can behave yourself once in a while, I always wondered.' Snape smirked at him.
'I can behave myself perfectly well, especially when something's at stake, especially my freedom, it was always the way when I was young, so it is now.' Harry said slightly bitterly.
'I know I could have got you in trouble if I'd run off, I'm sorry.' Harry said far more softly.
Snape nodded for a second, 'You didn't run though did you boy? So we will mention it no more.'
'I was intending to, thank you.'
Harry looked at his feet while Snape looked at him.
'If you wish you may come down to my workroom and aid me with this batch of headache potions, it may not be the most exciting thing, but if you don't want to return to your room yet…' Snape trailed off.
'Of course, thank you' Harry said, glad that at least someone seemed to understand he wasn't a doll but a living person who needed to live.
Snape gave Harry an approving look, and half smiled for a brief second then swept off, 'follow me then Potter, we don't have all day.'
Harry smiled behind his back, pleased that Snape hadn't changed too much.
When Harry was in bed, Snape came by his and Lupin's chambers again.
The Row and a Vow'A word Lupin' Snape snarled.
'Yes Severus, what is it now?' Remus asked still slightly frustrated.
'Did you enjoy the break?' Snape asked tonelessly.
'Yes, I admit it, the responsibility of playing jailor is too much, especially when you come in here and play saviour.'
'Someone needs to give the kid a break, its been quite a while, just damn well trust him a little or you will lose him, I took him to London today, and saw the way he looked for an escape route, if it had been you he would have found it, however I saw what he was planning and stopped it before it happened. He doesn't want to run because he dislikes it here Lupin, he wants to runaway from the locked doors.' Snape snarled.
'He's trying to run, thank god I said no to hogsmeade.' Remus muttered.
'No, you fool, that is one of the reasons he wants to run.'
'Oh, God why did I take this on, it's too much now Sirius is gone, I like the kid, love him even, but I can't deal with being the bad guy all the time. Enforcing Dumbledore's rules with very few legitimate reasons except what happened months ago, and his very slightly low magic. He is recovering that by the day, but no one can help being concerned and Albus is not willing to let me take the slightest risk to our hero's safety. This is too much.' Remus ranted.
'I agree, tell Albus that you are dealing with the boy differently or he can take care on him, it is too much responsibility for you to teach at a boarding school and look after someone you have to treat like an infant, who resents you for it. Give the child some space before he suffocates and becomes depressed again.' Snape answered calmly.
'Your probably right.' Remus sighed, 'I'll speak to Dumbledore tomorrow.'
Just then Harry got up and padded bare foot into the kitchen area to get a drink of water.
'Hello Professor' Harry said softly nodding at Snape.
Snape more or less ignored him.
'Harry, you should eat, I forgot you didn't have lunch and dinner' Remus said, he looked tired.
'No, I'm not hungry, l want to go back to the tower, I'm sick of living here and being watched.' Harry said resolutely, sipping at his water.
'You can't and you know that, stop behaving like a child and get some food.' Remus said firmly.
'Stop treating me like one then, and no, I won't eat, not now, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, have you ever heard of a hunger strike Remus, muggles do them.' Harry said smugly.
'Three day rule Harry, be careful, I will report this.' Remus warned softly.
'Go ahead' Harry invited, 'as long as eat once every three days, there's not much anyone can do for a while.'
'The longer you starve yourself, the less likely we are to trust you.' Remus said.
'The less you trust me, the more likely I am to starve myself, it seems we have a slight catch 22, doesn't it.' Harry smiled again.
'A what?' Snape asked confused.
'It's a muggle phrase, meaning no way out' Harry explained.
'Potter, how would you like to spend a few days with me later in the week, I'm sure it could be arranged?' Snape drawled lazily.
'Sure, better than being locked up here I guess' Harry answered, shrugging his shoulders.
'Good, then drop this nonsense hunger strike, get some food and go to bed before I change my mind.' Snape raised an eyebrow.
'God, your just as bad as the rest of them, sod it, I'll lock myself in my room and read or something.' Harry yelled.
'10 points Mr Potter, do not forget who you are speaking to, goodbye Lupin, best of luck.' Snape addressed Harry very coldly, and warmed a little as he faced the weary werewolf.
Just wonderful, another of my allies lost, Harry wandered to bed slowly, but turned at Remus' voice.
'Are you happy now, he was giving up his time to take you outside and talk with you, and that's how you repay people, honestly I think you just lost someone who would have been a good friend to you in times of trouble.' Remus shouted.
'Yeah? Well you only let him take me because you can't deal with me anymore, you don't know how, stop bloody trying.' Harry yelled back and slammed the door behind him.
That night Remus wept for everything they had been through, and everything that was now.
Another Row and a Break Down'Where do you think your going young man?' Remus asked the next morning, raising an eyebrow as Harry walked to the portrait hole.
'I have charms' Harry said acidly.
'Your not going, you might as well go back to bed.' Remus muttered, pretending to be interested in the paper.
'Why aren't I going, it's been hard enough to catch up this year without missing more classes, and besides my magic needs the exercise.' Harry explained patiently.
'So read a book on charms and go do your resistance building charms, preferably in your room, I will be busy today, so you're on your own.' Remus still read the paper.
'I'd rather go to class and learn like I am supposed to, this is a school, and surely class time is better than private study.' Harry clenched his teeth and tried not to get angry.
'Go to your room Harry, I wish to spend the few minutes I have left of this morning in peace.' Remus sighed softly.
'Why?' Harry's voice was soft.
'Why what?' Remus said in a brisk tone.
'Why do you want rid of me, you haven't had to deal with me much in the last 24 hours?'
'Because you are selfish and ungrateful, because you are willing to throw your life away and because you expect me to sit by and watch acting like everything's fine.' Remus said coldly.
'No' Harry shook his head softly, 'no, no' he began to move backwards, 'let me out of here please let me out' Harry's voice was panicky and broken.
'I can't, escape to your room if you can't deal with this properly, and give me your wand before you go.' Remus commanded.
'No, no no, god no' Harry backed into a corner then sat and curled himself into a rocking ball and screaming softly on occasion.
'Harry, pull yourself together, I don't have much time for theatrics this morning.'
Harry remained the same.
'Oh God, what now?' Remus asked the room.
It didn't answer, so he went over to the huddled mass and touched it, it backed away as though burned.
'Oh dear' Remus mused.
'Harry, I need you to calm down, prolonging a panic attack is not the best way to deal with whatever your problem is.' He sat down next to Harry and more forcefully pulled the boy to him, stroking him softly until the sobs and screams stopped and the rocking began to still. When everything was silent and still, he turned to look at Harry, who had his eyes shut but was awake.
Breaking and Mending'What caused that?' he asked rather more gently.
Harry just shook his head.
'Tell me, it will do no good to keep it inside.' Remus stroked his arm again.
'You hate me, you made me need you and now you hate me.' Harry whispered softly, pulling himself tighter into a ball.
'I don't hate you, but I am pissed off with you as is Severus and Albus.' Remus said gently but firmly.
'Why? Because I want my own life back, because I want to be a normal student, I'm not the one being unfair here, your suffocating me.' Harry whimpered slightly.
'Why is because you are planning on throwing away months of therapy and hard work on all our parts, mostly your own.' Remus said taking a heaving breath.
'I'd rather be in the hospital right now, at least I knew my limits, now its like my life is at your whim, one day I can, the next not. I'm back in my home, yet I can't see my family or sleep in my own bed, or eat in my own dining room. Everyone else is growing up, learning, having fun, having new relationships, new experiences and no one will let me join in. I feel like I'm five, locked in my cupboard while I hear Dudley eating ice cream and laughing along to his favourite TV show. I'm so bloody jealous that every time I do see my friends I have to control the urge to a pick a fight. You have to let me go, I'm becoming more and more depressed living like this and I want to hide again, feel safe. I will put myself back in hospital if things don't change. I'd rather be dead than miss out on what is left of my childhood.' Harry said softly.
'Don't say that' Remus shook his head sadly.
'It's true, I can't take the pressure anymore.' Harry sobbed.
'If I let you go, completely let you be a normal student, if I could would that make you happy, or would you still want to be back in hospital?' Remus asked carefully.
'I'd be happy, the current situation is killing my soul, I need you, but not this way anymore. You know at first all I needed was your love and acceptance, then your guidance and to an extent your rules, now I need you to let me fly away, I am healed mostly, I still need your love and guidance too. Let me go now and I will come back to you, but keep me here and you will lose me altogether, I don't want to resent you anymore. You rescued me from certain death Remus I will always owe you a debt, but neither of us can take this anymore. Do you think I don't see you breaking, cracking under the pressure? Your thinner, wearier and tenser than before and you snap at me for asking a simple question or asking for something.' Harry finished.
'Fine, I'll talk to Dumbledore, I don't know how much I can manage now Harry, he took responsibility for you ultimately at the hospital and most of my rules were given by him. I'll try and get you something like having to spend an hour a day with Albus or I, perhaps Severus if you didn't upset him too much. I'm sure you won't get out of regular checks at the infirmary and if your doctors request an appointment you have to go. In that hour you would be expected to eat a meal, we must make sure you eat. But I may just get you off this 24 hour a day surveillance.' Remus sighed.
'You might as well stay here while I speak with him, and I'll grab Snape for backup since he agrees with you, I may be a while, please eat something.' Remus said walking away.
Harry nodded tightly and awaited the decision his headmaster made.
About two hours alter Remus came in smiling.
'Good news Albus agreed to my terms as long as you dine with him once a week in his office for lunch and a chat, you better make good on this Harry, it took a lot effort for this to happen, and you should thank Severus, it was him perhaps who finally convinced Albus.'
'Thank you, thank you so much, I love you.' Harry ran over and buried himself in Remus' arms.
'I know, but I mean it Harry, make good and don't make me regret my choices.' Remus said firmly.
'I won't, really I won't, and I promise I'll try my best at everything.' Harry swore.
'Good, I still feel your ribs you know, even though your better, make them covered a little, eat lots, pay attention in class and build up your magical energy still, I won't hesitate to make good on my promise to hex you if you don't listen in my class, not now your officially better. Go live, and yes, you may go to Hogsmeade as long as you stick with your friends and don't exert yourself too much.' Remus finished.
'I'll miss you, I'm sorry I was such a brat about things.' Harry whispered.
'I'll miss you to, its been like having a son almost Harry, having you live here with me, I meant to tell you before but I wasn't too happy with you, your staying with me this summer, my bungalow's in France and Dumbledore's working on precautions against my transformation and against the subject which we mostly avoid.'
'What, good ole Voldie and his bunch of idiots who couldn't hex a fly?' Harry joked, smiling broadly, letting Remus know he liked the idea.
'Something like that Harry, something very like that.' Remus smiled a true smile.
'Come then Harry, lets pack up your stuff, and don't forget which items you transfigured into potions.'
'You knew?' Harry asked surprised.
'Yes of course I knew, but I decided to let you go on with it, I don't think many of the potions you can brew are addictive or harmful now you are back up to a regular weight.' Remus laughed loudly at Harry's shocked face.
And Harry laughed with him.
That night, Harry joined Hermione and Ron back in the tower. There was a party amongst the Gryffindor's to welcome his return, but only six of them knew the real celebration.