A/N: Part 1 of longest chapter... GO!

PROLOGUE

"The time is upon us, my children!" the heavily cloaked cult leader waved his ornate scepter over his equally heavily robed followers. "The planets have aligned and thanks to the miracle of modern day technology, we will be able to revive the Dark Lord!"

"Hail! Hail!" chanted crowd.

"Now, I must ask everyone to turn of the wifi on their devices," the leader instructed. "The cosmic window of opportunity is short and our internet access must be at full strength!" A fantastical beam of light shined down from the night sky and hit a red crystal that sat on a podium. The great screen behind the leader crackled on and a great loading bar began to fill.

"It is here!" the leader proclaimed, "The puny mortal world ends tonight!"

"Hail! Hail!" the crowd chanted again.

Every person watched in sadistic glee as the crystal shook with ethereal energy and the loading bar flew past the midway point.

60%

70%

80%

85%

86%

85%

80%

"Hey! What the hell? I wasn't kidding about the cosmic window being short, guys," the leader shouted. "Who's still using the internet?!"

Next door...

"Are you sure the neighbors are okay with us using their wifi?" asked Lappy.

"I'm just uploading the next chapter," I shrugged as I typed. "What's the harm?"

With the neighbors...

"RUN! IT'S GONNA BLOW!" ordered the leader. The loading bar stayed at 85% and the red crystal vibrated more and more. The energy within cracked the gem and rays shot out. Fires broke out and many cultists were trampled as they tried to escape.

TO BE CONTINUED

Miraculous Headache
Chapter 14: In the Beginning, There Was A Turtle...
By: I Write Big

Ladies and chats, this is the moment you've waited for… Been searching in the dark, your sweat soaking through the floor… and buried in your bones there's a need that you can't ignore. Holding your breath, stealing your mind and all that was real is left behind.

Welcome to the origin story! The first chapter in all its glory! Come read and I'll tell you how they came to be the greatest pair of French heroes in history! You'll find out everything you wanted to know! How they met, how they fight and how they'll grow!

Let us begin with a final rhyme!

Dear Readers, once upon a time…

In Paris, France, a man was standing in his unlit and very dusty attic. Amongst the cluttered cardboard boxes and cobwebbed cobwebs, he was inspecting an odd broach that he had come across in the Far East, designed to resemble a butterfly… or a moth…

"Okay, when you say 'anything'...?" he asked the small purple creature that had appeared when he touched the broach.

The disturbing monstrosity that called itself Nooroo rasped a rattling chuckle that froze the man's very soul, "Heeheeheehee, when I say the Earrings of the Ladybug and the Ring of the Black Cat can grant you 'anything', I mean anything." Nooroo flew to the man's ear and whispered sweetly, "Consider the possibilities… the mayhem you could spread… the governments you could topple… the unlimited riches—"

"Yeah, gonna stop you right there," the man interrupted and turned on the light, "I am Gabriel fucking Agreste. I am the definition of rich."

"Oh..." Nooroo fumbled on how to continue, "Well, you could always be richer."

"BAHAHAAHAHAAH! Oh, you're serious? No!" Gabriel shook his head, "No, if anything I'm too rich. I have so much money that I could house and feed the world's homeless population for the next century and not break a sweat. I just choose not to."

"Really?"

"I'm so rich that if I got into a dick measuring contest with Tony Stark, Bruce Wayne, and Chloe's Uncle Donald, I could afford to bribe all three to publicly forfeit on international TV and still have enough money left over to produce a six season Netflix original series based on said dick measuring contest."

"That was so specific I feel like you fantasize about doing that."

"I'm so rich," Gabriel leaned forward and whispered, "I own people."

Nooroo blinked, "What… like slaves?"

"I prefer prisoners-with-jobs," shrugged Gabriel. "So, whatever you're offering, strange pink Mini-Mothra—"

"I'm more of a purple," Nooroo pointed out.

"—It had better be good."

"Uh..." Nooroo looked around uncomfortably. "I mean… there has to be something you want that money can't buy."

"Something that money can't buy?" Gabriel considered the completely alien idea, "Hmm. I was planning to pay for my vanished wife to be cloned but if you could magically bring her back…"

"Ooh! Resurrecting the dead! Classic!" applauded Nooroo.

"I didn't say she died. I said she vanished," Gabriel corrected.

"What's the difference?"

"You can't say 'died' on a kid's show."

"Whatever, I can work with that." In a sparkle of what Gabriel could only assume was magic, the pendant he always kept over his heart appeared in his hand. It opened and the picture inside of his missing beloved shined brightly. Nooroo cleared its throat and resumed its horrifyingly evil speech, "Always will there be those who fear such power… The power to bend any to your will… To even keep the ones you love from dy—"

"Vanishing."

"Fuck you! Yes, vanishing."

Nooroo's promises entranced the man, "How can I wield such power?"

"Make a pact with me," Nooroo instructed with a toothy grin. "Combined, we will enslave this city and the entire world with it. We can transform anyone into a supervillain and those with the Miraculous I recquire will show themselves in the chaos and they will be yours."

"Of course," the man clutched the broach with greed, "As your new master, I shall—" the man choked. He grabbed at his suddenly constricted throat. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't breath. Nooroo floated close to his face with pure anger flaring in its demonic eyes.

"Never forget this, puny human. I am the master. You obey me." The unseen force let the man go and he collapsed to his knees, gasping for breath. "Now rise, my newest apprentice, and take your role at my side as Hawkmoth."

"Yes, my master," the feeble man nodded. "Nooroo, dark wings rise." In an eruption of silver and purple, he became Hawkmoth! The unholy magic spread across the attic, morphing the building's structure into a much higher ceiling. The humble window overlooking the backyard widened into a massive butterfly-themed window that spied upon the entirety of Paris. The newly born villain grasped the intricate head of his his new cane and cackled at the surge of untempered power flowing through his veins. "Yes... Yes! OH BABY YES! Soon Paris will learn to cower at the very mention of Hawkmoth! MUAAHAHAAH—"

Nathalie entered.

Hawkmoth froze, his arms still raised in mid-gloat, and stared wide-eyed at his assistant. She stared back at him with complete disinterest.

He hid his cane behind his back and said, "Nathalie, I… I can explain—"

"I don't care. Your son ran away. Again."

"...And?"

"And this time he made it over the gate." She shut the door and left.

Meanwhile, across the city:

An ancient mystical record player was going completely crazy and belting out old show tunes.

"Aw, merde," grumbled Master Fu.

"Uh, sir, is your player alright?" asked the man lying under Fu's feet.

"No, is secret signal. Let me know ancient Lord of Evil has returned and entire world screwed. Me end massage early. No refund." Fu then shoved the stupid gweilo out the door. He turned to come face to face with the green abomination that had been signaling him from the record player.

"I sensed Nooroo. You said you took care of that maniac!" accused Wayzz.

"What? When me say that?" Fu sheepishly smiled.

"After you destroyed the Miraculous Temple with your damn microwave burrito!" The turtle kwami dragged a frustrated nub across his face, "That temple was specifically designed to lock that mad-Kwami away from humanity and you swore to me you took care of it!"

"Oh! Me never say 'took' care, me say 'take' care. Future. Me take care of Nooroo when it come back."

One of Wayzz's bulbous eyes twitched. He sucked in a huge breath and squeaked, "Great! Since Nooroo's back and Earth is in danger again, let's TAKE care of Nooroo! Present tense!"

Fu glanced down at the green charm wrapped around his wrist. "Me cook lunch first?"

"Not hungry."

"Uh…okay… Wayzz..." Fu nervously raised his arm, pointing the charm to the sky, "Wayzz, shell—OW!" He doubled over and rather unconvincingly gripped his spine in fake pain, "Back hurt! Ah! Such shame brought upon me! So old!" Wayzz watched the terrible performance, not buying it for a second, "Too weak! Me no have strength for fight! Is terrible! Must find other to battle Nooroo! Only choice."

Wayzz growled, "You are such a fraud."

Meanwhile, in a little pink bedroom:

Marinette joyfully sprang from her comfortable mattress. She had slept so well and was more than refreshed and ready to start her first day of school. While humming a gleeful tune, she pranced down the stairs and kissed her mother and father hello.

"Well," chuckled her mother Sabine, "Someone woke up on the right side of the bed. Didn't expect you to be so happy today."

"I don't know what it is, mom." Marinette did a random twirl of joy. "For some reason, today feels like a good day, as if as long as I keep a positive attitude, nothing could possibly get me down."

"That's the spirit!" her father Tom patted her back.

"In fact, I feel like singing!" proclaimed Marinette.

Both her parents blinked at her, "...Figuratively?"

"No!" She poured her breakfast of chocolate milk and bananas and let the song in her heart take hold!

"Everyday in this city feels like rapture!
I've gotten nothing to do, I'm so booored!
But I'd rather have it so,
Than be filled with teenage woe,
Like a boy crush which would truly be tortuuuure!"

During the impromptu musical number, Marinette scarfed down her meal, grabbed a box of macarons and danced out the door. The ensuing silence inside the bakery of the two adults contemplating whether they had failed as parents would stretch on for hours.

Outside the bakery… a beautiful blue bird joined Marinette with its melodic tweeting.

"Oh, isn't life amazing?
There's nothing that I would change, you see.
Sure, I may be cursed with bad luck,
But if that's all, then I'm totally fine if you ask meee! CAR!"

Marinette screeched that last word and swatted the blue bird away as she saw a vehicle barreling down the road at full throttle! It was heading straight for the intersection before her where a slow, graying, oriental man was struggling to cross with his wooden walking stick! He would never make it! Quick as lightning, Marinette jumped into the crosswalk and forcefully yanked the old man onto the sidewalk. Milliseconds later, the car swerved, tires screeching, and stopped on the corner.

"That's for serving me fried cat, you sick chinese fuck!" the driver roared at the old man and sped off.

Marinette rubbed her dizzy head and tried to lift the old man to his feet only to realize… "Oh no! I dropped the macarons meant for my class all over the sidewalk! This is terrible! Wait, Marinette, stay positive, at least you didn't lose every single one of them," she picked up the crumpled macarons box which had a few left inside. "By the way, are you okay, sir?"

"Congratulations! You big winner!" the old man announced. Before she could stop him, he nabbed her macarons box and shoved something else into her hand. "Me trade! You get super special prize! Bye-bye!" And then he ran away far faster than he had been walking a second ago.

Marinette gritted her teeth into a forced smile, "Yeah, fine, okay, after risking my life, I get robbed. Don't let that get you down, Marinette. You did a good thing and for that you got..." she looked at the hexagonal box sitting the palm of her hand, "...junk. Sounds about right." BRIIIIING went the school bell across the street. "And now I'm late." Without thinking, she pocketed the strange box and trudged to the building while halfheartedly singing, "Oh, isn't life amaaaazing."

Later, at class:

Marinette slipped into her seat before the second bell rang and even managed to smile again. She was determined not to let this morning's setback ruin the rest of the day. She only needed to press on!

"Look at that smile! You are just so happy!" the blonde bitchy bane of her existence, slammed a hand on Marinette's desk, "We can't have that."

Marinette folded her arms, "Insult me however you like, Chloe. This school year is all about staying positive. Nothing you say will get to me."

Chloe didn't say anything. She simply snapped her fingers. Instantly, the bench Marinette sat on was lifted into the air by Sabrina the Stooge. The surprisingly strong redhead carried Marinette away and dumped her at another desk.

"Wait, what are you doing? Stop!" pleaded Marinette as Sabrina took the bench back. "I sit there every year, it's the safest place in the classroom!"

"And it's also right behind where my boy-toy Adrien is going to be sitting starting today. So… suck it." Chloe flipped Marinette off and sat down.

Marinette trembled in the unfamiliar territory. None of her precautionary supplies were taped to the bottom of this new desk. She had no hard hat, no shin guards, no medical equipment, nothing! When something unnecessarily unlucky happens, she won't be prepared! GAH, this was a nightmare! Then Marinette noticed the girl sitting next to her was pointing her phone at her.

"Uh… what are you doing?"

"Livestreaming your mental breakdown to my First World Problems Blog," said the bespectacled girl. "Don't mind me, Marinette, keep going."

Marinette did not recognize the complete stranger, "How do you know my name?"

"You serious? Girl, it's me! Alya! We've known each other forever."

"Not ringing a bell."

"Girl, remember when you were, like, eight and you fell into the snake pit at the zoo? I was the girl hanging over the rails blogging about it." Marinette spasmed at the combination of being reminded of the forcefully repressed childhood trauma and meeting the actual person who haunted her sleepless nights as the laughing figure who taunted her from above her fang filled demise. "I know what you're thinking. Yeah, my phone was super old back then," Alya sadly nodded, "I still have bad memories of the times before unlimited data."

"How does that make us friends?"

"Pfft, duh, I've been following you around, blogging about your crazy bad luck ever since."

"...Again, how does that make us friends?!"

Alya wrapped an unwanted arm around Marinette, "How could I not be friends with the girl who made me an internet sensation? Besides, I've been following you around for almost the last ten years. I know you have nobody else."

She wasn't wrong and that made Marinette sigh. Having buildings nearly collapse around her on a daily basis had put up a rather difficult social barrier. Marinette dreamed of being able to hang out with someone her age that could be supportive in her times of need, a true friend. Maybe Alya wasn't exactly the hero she wanted but rather she was the stalker she deserved. Maybe she could work with that. Maybe this wasn't so bad. Maybe today could still be saved.

The next person to walk into the room made Marinette go pale.

"Hello, class, my name is Miss Bustier," the teacher wrote her name on the board, dotting the 'i' with a heavily endowed chest. After she finished, she spun on the spot and unbuttoned the topmost buttons of her blouse. "Some of you've had me before and know of my teaching methods. If you haven't, don't worry..." she sat on her desk, her already short skirt hiking up even more from the action. Then she crossed her exposed legs ever so slowly. She waited until every student was trying to avoid looking below her waist. She licked her lips, "...you'll catch on real quick."

Outside the school:

The streets were practically devoid of life except for one brave soul who was exploring the outside world for the first time! "Amazing! The street air is so comfortable, the city's air conditioner must be top notch," admired Adrien. He noticed another advertisement for cologne with his face, but this one was oddly attached to a bus stop bench, "Is this what poor people call a 'public bench'? Stupendous! Look at that stone texture! Not a spot of goose feather stuffing or silk! Haha! I truly am roughing it in the wilderness! And father said I could never survive."

He then tripped.

Gathering himself, Adrien saw that his shoe had come untied. "Oh, silly me. Easy fix." The boy sat there and waited. However, no matter how much time passed his shoe stayed untied. He swiveled his head around in search, "Where's Pierre? Pierre, my laces need securing." Harrowing silence was his only answer. Adrien went pale as the full extent of his situation dawned on him, "I've made a terrible mistake."

Then his family limo pulled up on the corner. Frantically, Adrien hoisted himself up and awkwardly waddled as fast as he could towards the closest building. He wasn't fast enough as Nathalie and Ape-Man easily walked past him and blocked his path.

"Please, Nathalie, going to school with other kids is the only thing I've ever wanted," Adrien begged.

"Last week you said the same thing about getting your nails done."

"And I'm keeping them!" he showed off his glittery pink claws. Their argument was interrupted by the sound of clattering wood. On the corner, an old oriental man had collapsed. Filled with empathy, Adrien waddled over and helped him up, "You poor lower-middle-class person. I too know the pain of tripping. My word, sir, your feet!" Adrien pointed to the old man's frayed and moldy sandals. "Not a single complicated lace! Genius! My good man, what do you say to a trade?"

The old man looked down at Adrien's designer sneakers, bedazzled with what looked like real diamonds, and started to drool. "Thank you, young man."

Nathalie and Ape-Man facepalmed. They dragged the boy to the limo before he could give even more of his inheritance away. The barefoot old man plucked a gemstone from his new pair of laced fortunes and skipped away.

Later, in school:

The bell rang and the class let out a collective sigh of relief. "Such a shame," pouted Miss Bustier. "Not a single misbehaving student. Well, I guess you're free to go to gym with Mr. D'Argencourt. Those of you with a free period can use the library."

"IVAN SMASH!" In the back of the classroom, the largest student roared as he raised several desks high into the air over Kim. Ivan froze, catching himself as he looked down at the seductively smirking Miss Bustier.

The teacher sighed, "Legally, class is over."

"Smash?" Ivan eagerly asked.

"Principal."

Ivan grumbled to himself and dropped the several tons of school equipment on the ground. He grabbed his backpack and marched to the Principal's office.

Meanwhile:

Across the city, in a tower somehow hidden above the Agreste Mansion, a newly installed spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man who had no idea what he was doing. "I am just now noticing all these glowing white butterflies around me. How is that possible? WHOA! Is that my cue? The window opened and I'm hearing in my head some kid having a fit. Am I supposed to do something?"

There was no answer.

He cleared his throat and strummed his fingers on his cane. The tiny section in the center of the giant window opened. "OH! Something is supposed to go through there? Uh, um, uh…" He looked down at his cane and got an idea. "Magic wand! Make my monster grow!" He chucked his cane like a javelin through the window opening!

CRASH! "My car! Who threw that?!" demanded someone outside.

Hawkmoth started nervously sweating. He held out a hand, "Cane, return!" It didn't. "merde..." Instead, a white butterfly landed in his palm! "GAH! BUG! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!" He slapped his other hand over it with every intention of squishing the insect. Instead, it was infused with sickly darkness and the newly colored butterfly flew out the the window. Hawkmoth ran to a sink and washed his hands, "Ew, ew, ew! When did my attic get a sink? Ew!"

Back at school:

Ivan entered Principal Damcoles' office. "Excuse me, son," the Principal scoffed. "Has anyone taught you how to knock?"

"Ivan no knock. Ivan smash."

"Oohoo! An opportunity to teach!" the principal clapped. "Close the door, sonny." Ivan did. "Now, gently smash the door three times."

"Grr… how much three?"

Damocles gasped in pure delight. He dusted off his old CD player and popped in a disk. A happy tune bubbled from the device. "Just follow along, son. One banana, two banana, one, two, three. Three bananas for me! Your turn!"

Ivan struggled, his fist tightly clenched around a crumpled piece of paper, "Guh...o-one..."

The dark butterfly fluttered down and shattered on the crumpled paper. A pair of fashionably neon pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw a silver-masked man. They stared at each other for a moment. Then they proceeded to scream.

"AAAHHHH!" went Hawkmoth.

"AAAHHHH!" went Ivan.

"Make it go away!" At Hawkmoth's demands, Ivan was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into the mighty giant rock creature Stoneheart!

Inside the principal's office, Damocles had gotten out his monkey puppets, "Hi, Ivan, my name is Georgina the Monkey. How many bananas do I have?" A fist made of the strongest rock rammed through the flimsy door and grabbed the monkey. Stoneheart squeezed the everliving stuffing out of her.

"Georgina! NO!" cried Damocles.

Meanwhile in the library:

"Hey, Miss Librarian, I just looked up 'rich' in the dictionary and all I could find was this picture of Gabriel Agreste," Marinette held the open book for her to see.

The Librarian nodded, "That's accurate, sweety."

"Okay… Second concern: Why do you have this giant plasma screen TV in the middle of the library?"

"I like to watch," the Librarian shrugged.

"Watch what?"

"Everything," the Librarian hit a button and the TV came alive with multiple feeds of hidden security cameras spread around the school.

Before questions of legality could be asked, Marinette was thrown off her feet by what felt like an earthquake! Every student turned to the library's giant plasma screen TV. The outdoor feed showed what looked like a rock golem standing in a crater it had made! The monster was eating a svelte monkey!

Panic quickly spread through the school population!

Students and teachers alike fled in terror!

Marinette trembled on the spot, weakly trying to sing herself to bravery, "Oh… isn't life… amazing…"

Alya was trembling on the spot like a kid in a candy store, "I'mma blog this to my Natural Disasters Blog, my Monster Lovers Blog, and my Rock Collectors Blog! Blog Trifecta!" She bolted for the door, her phone raised high.

"Alya! What are you doing?!" cried Marinette.

The blogger struck a pose, "There's a word for people who run towards the danger purely to record the mayhem for media distribution purposes."

Marinette blinked, "...Insane?"

"Oh I'm insane alright… for views! FOR THE BLOG!" Alya ran out towards what would surely be her certain doom. Marinette decided friendship was overrated and went home.

Meanwhile, at the Agreste Mansion:

Fu adjusted his far too small, gem encrusted sneakers and approached the mansion gates. He rang the doorbell and a little robotic eye popped out of the wall.

"Salutations! I am Doorbell-Matron 9000 but you may call my DB-M-9K. My purpose is to answer the door. What is your purpose?"

Fu grinned, "Me deliver."

Inside:

Adrien was too busy admiring his new 'flip-flops', as Nathalie called them, to listen to the woman's tutoring session. Poor people were so lucky to not have to worry about constant surveillance or being trapped in your own house or laces. He would give his entire fortune for a life of freedom. His musings were cut short by someone bursting into the room and holding the door shut with his body! Someone Adrien thought he'd never see for another month!

"Nathalie, I think I may have made a deal with the devil," a sweaty Gabriel hyperventilated.

"Father! I did it!" Adrien cheered and showed his feet. "I ventured into the city and braved the herds of wild frenchmen. Look, I even brought back the footwear of the natives! They match my nails!"

Gabriel gawked at what his son wore, "I don't—how—what?"

Nathalie stepped in, "He's been like this for months. Please, for all of our sanity, let this kid leave the house."

Seeing his pride and joy be so clueless of the outside world broke the man's heart. This had gone too far. Wiping some stray butterfly wings off his shoulders, Gabriel heaved a sigh, "Perhaps… I may have been a touch too overprotective."

Both Adrien and Nathalie's eyes widened in surprise. The boy asked nervously, "Does that mean I can…?"

"I guess as long as you have some sort of supervision, Adrien, you can go outsi—" Gabriel pulled back a curtain so they could see their front gate. What they saw was Stoneheart being repeatedly shot by multiple police officers. However, every bullet made the monster radiate and grow even bigger!

"Guns don't work..." Officer Roger shrieked in horror. "GUNS DON'T WORK!"

Gabriel shut the curtain and told his son, "Lock yourself in your room and never come out."

Pouting in anger, Adrien ran up the marble escalator and threw himself onto his king-size mattress that was embroidered with golden Euro signs. He had been so close and then freedom was unfairly ripped away from him just because the commoners were roughhousing. Even worse, he had chipped a pink nail in his tantrum. He'd need to get it redone.

"Delivery, young master!" the ever kind DB-M-9K dropped a small package on the table in front of his TV. Dragging himself out of bed, Adrien found what waited for him was a small black hexagonal box with what looked like oriental inspired markings. Unbeknownst to him… across the city, Marinette was sulking over a plate of cookies in front of her computer, watching the live broadcast of Stoneheart's rampage. She too happened to remember a small hexagonal box she received earlier that day.

In a twist of fate, both opened their boxes at the same time…

Blinding light erupted from the box in Marinette's hand! Wind whipped around her and cracked the walls! Her furniture was flung around like she sat in the center of a tornado! A sphere of flashing red energy rose from the light and expanded to become bigger than a soccer ball! Through the cacophony cut a demonic voice!

"FOR UNTOLD GENERATIONS HAVE I SLUMBERED! WHO DARES AWAKEN ME?!"

Marinette's mouth flapped silently in fear.

"WELL, WHO ARE YOU? ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

"M-m-m-mmmm-Marinette…?" she squeaked.

"'Marinette?' What kind of name is—? Hold on." In an instant the tornado stopped and the light disappeared. Where the sphere had been now floated a red polka-dotted bug-mouse hybrid whose head was more than twice as large as its body. "Who the fuck are you?" the creature demanded in a high-pitched, childlike voice, "Where the fuck am I? This isn't the temple! What the fuck is going on—"

Marinette crushed the creature with her chair.

The blinding green light that had sprang from Adrien's box died down until only the sparkling ball remained. The last light melted away until it coalesced into the form of a tiny floating black cat looking animal.

"Uh… hello, little guy, I'm Adrien," he tried not to startle what he assumed was some sort of magical chinese kitten.

The cat stretched, belched, scratched its crotch and said, "S'up, dude."

"Actually, it's not 'dude', it's pronounced 'Adrien,'" he corrected.

"Wait… wha?"

Sabine looked to the ceiling as more hard thumps could be heard. "Tom," she called, "What's going on up there?"

"Don't worry, I'm pretty sure that's Marinette having her daily mental breakdown," her husband called back.

"Oh okay," she returned to her customer.

Upstairs, no matter how many times Marinette brought her chair down the thing wouldn't die! In fact, it looked like it was somehow phasing through her chair like a ghost! "This doesn't make any sense," the crime against nature pondered, "The Guardians know only to summon me when a worthy wielder has been found. Plus, I'm supposed to get a sacrifice, that was the deal! ...Unless..." it inspected Marinette hungrily, "Are you the sacrifice?"

Marinette went cold. In that moment, she knew this atrocity could end her life. Also in that moment, the beautiful blue bird from that morning fluttered into the room, tweeting melodically as if it wanted to sing with Marinette again. Marinette instead grabbed the bird and shoved the poor animal at Tikki, "Here! Sacrifice! Eat this!"

The thing shrugged, "Eh, I prefer human souls, but animals work." Its mouth expanded impossibly wide and swallowed the bird whole. Marinette barely had enough time to retract her hand.

"My name's Tikki and, yes, you should be afraid," burped Tikki.

"Call me, Plagg," the kwami said after taking a bite out of one of three mint-condition vintage arcade systems Adrien had in his room. He gagged on the taste and spat out the electronics. "I'm one those mystical thingamajigs that grants kickass powers. In other words, I'm here to get you laid."

Adrien finished gluing back together the foosball table Plagg had munched on and gave the creature a confused look, "Do I… want that?"

"Do you want—" Plagg stopped mid-air and stared at Adrien. "Wait..."

"Mom!" Marinette pitifully called as she crawled towards her trap door.

"Mom?" Tikki stopped picking the bird beak out of her teeth and stared at Marinette. "Wait..."

Both kwamis asked the same question at the same time, "How old are you?"

Both teens answered, "Sixteen."

"Sixteen?! And you don't wanna get laid?" Plagg couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Adrien shrugged, "Well, I can lay down on my bed whenever I like. What's so special about that?"

Plagg had no response. He flew to Adrien, grabbed his collar and dragged the boy to his computer. "Search 'r-3-4.' What happens next might be kinda freaky but do what comes natural," he instructed. "I'mma give you some privacy and go raid your fridge." Plagg left the room.

Tikki slammed Marinette against the wall. Despite the kwami's tiny stature, she was remarkably strong. Marinette was running into a lot of surprisingly strong people today. "How the fuck did you get your underage hands on the Miraculous? You steal me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about! What's a Miraculous?" the scared girl whimpered. "This strange old man stole my macarons and gave me that box! I swear!"

"Strange old man?" Tikki eased her hold. "Pointy beard, walking stick, kinda racist accent?"

Marinette nodded.

"Fucking Fu, you Mister Miyagi looking motherfucker..." the kwami muttered under her breath. "Let me guess, some crazy monster has appeared in your otherwise peaceful hometown."

Marinette nodded again. She was released and immediately hid under her bed. She shivered there until the monster floated over and dropped the stupid box in front of her. Inside, Marinette now noticed, sat a pair of earrings decorated to resemble ladybugs.

Tikki put on a big smile, "I think we got off on the wrong foot." Marinette could easily see the cracks in that smile. The fury underneath broiled like a volcano on the brink of eruption. "Stop crying. You're a superhero now, kid."

"...Huh?"

"My thoughts exactly," nodded Tikki. "This happens once every few generations. An idiot loses track of Nooroo, another idiot signs a contract with him, becomes Hawkmoth, and all hell breaks loose." She threw up the disgusting nubs Marinette assumed were supposed to be her arms in celebration, "You have been chosen by Astruc to become the Ladybug Miraculous Wielder! These earrings are actually the Ladybug Miraculous and by wearing them you can use their power to defeat the Akuma terrorizing your home."

There were so many questions buzzing in Marinette's head. First and foremost, though, she saw a problem. "Um, actually, Miss Tikki-thing, I can't wear those. Never got my ears pierced."

Empty smile never fading, Tikki picked up the earrings which had the sharpest needles Marinette had ever seen, "Not a problem."

"Man, I don't know what this Camembert merde is but you need to get me more. I am addicted. And I don't mean that in a funny 'I love cheese' kinda way. I mean that in I will betray you and your loved ones for a single wedge of this stuff. It's that good!" announced Plagg through a mouthful of cheese. He came back into Adrien's room and whistled at the mountain of drying balls of used tissues, "Whoa, talk about a quickshot."

"I'm ready," he heard Adrien growl. The boy was glued to his computer screen, his back to the kwami. "Get me laid."

"Alright, man, sweet," Plagg swallowed the last of his cheese, "Then let's go over the basics. First up, you can destroy anything with your supermove 'Cataclysm.' Heads up, don't touch your junk while using that, unless you want to spend the rest of your life dongless. Next, to transform, you put on the ring from the box you opened and say 'Plagg, claws out'. Now, the most important thing you gotta remember is—"

Adrien bolted across the room, rammed the ring on and cried, "PLAGG, CLAWS OUT!"

"Eh, I'll tell you later," Plagg shrugged as he was sucked into the ring. In a blast of black, Adrien was clad in a black leather that made him look like a cat, complete with pointy ears! He leapt out the window!

"So, now that I've explained your powers and your ears have stopped bleeding, I can tell you how to transform." Tikki waited for the shaking pale human to barely nod before continuing. "You just have to say 'Tikki, spots on' and you'll gain the powers. Now, get out there and join your partner to defeat the Akuma!"

Marinette's trembling lips parted, "Ti-Ti-Tikki, sp—"

"Oh wait!" Tikki pressed a nub to Marinette's mouth, "Forgot the most important part. You mustn't tell anybody about this. If anyone ever finds out that I am stuck with you as my wielder," Tikki leaned close and whispered, "I will eat you like I ate that bird." She spat out a blue feather, "Okay, go."

"Tikki, spots on," Marinette wheezed.

In a flourish of red, Tikki was sucked into the earrings and Marinette was covered in red polka-dotted spandex! With absolutely no clue what she was doing, Marinette stepped out onto her balcony and inspected the ladybug-themed yo-yo hanging on her hip. "Don't worry, Marinette," she reassured herself, "Just keep your head down, your mouth shut and that positive attitude up." She experimentally threw the yo-yo and it magically reached down the block and attached to a rooftop.

Emboldened, she sang again, "Oh, isn't life amaAAAA!" Her screams of terror echoed across the city as her yo-yo launched her into the air.

Several blocks away:

Adrien was balancing on his brand new battle staff, while admiring his new supersuit. Not only did the stitching show off his physique, the shoes had no laces! Perfect! "I'll have ladies falling for me by the dozen!" he proclaimed.

"INCOMING!" a distinctly female voice screeched from above.

"Oho! Starting already?" he snarked before he was blasted off his feet by a polka-dotted bullet. The duo became tied together, entangled by the girl's yo-yo string. "Greetings, female superhero. Are you also looking to get laid?"

"AAAHHH!" Marinette greeted back. "Your eyes! My Astruc, what the fuck is wrong with your eyes?!" She quickly broke free and scrambled away from the cat-beast.

"My powers enhance them with cat-like senses," he shrugged. "All the better to appreciate your curves with." He winked one of his horribly deformed feline eyes, "Call me Chat Noir."

"You're flirting with me?" Marinette was appalled. "People are dying out there and you're flirting with me?!"

"It's one rock creature. No one's getting hurt."

An office tower behind them collapsed. "Holy merde! Hundreds of people got hurt and/or died!" someone screamed.

Marinette gaped at the loss of innocent life. "Wow..." Chat Noir whispered, "You commoners really know how to have fun. Let's go!" He extended his staff and flipped towards the danger.

"Life is amazing, life is amazing, life is amazing" Marinette pathetically repeated to herself as she followed.

Meanwhile:

Through his magical vision, Hawkmoth surveyed the destruction left in Stoneheart's wake. "What have I done?" he whimpered. "Death… Suffering… I didn't want this… Not this! Not th—" Again his words were stopped. Invisible hands stronger than steel knotted around his throat and the voice of Nooroo cackled into his mind.

"But Gabriel, this is exactly what you wanted. Look at the beauty you've created. Such elegant chaos will draw out our heroes soon." Tears flowed down the helpless man's cheeks. "We just need to… up the stakes."

Gabriel could only watch as Stoneheart climbed the outside of Paris' local stadium. Down on the field, some unaware teenagers were packing up their gym class supplies. "Please," he rasped, "Not the children."

"Children?" Nooroo gasped, "Me put children in harm's way? Why, Gabriel, that is an excellent idea..."

Stoneheart's glowing sights landed on his true target, "KIM!"

Kim dropped his soccer ball and looked up at the great rock horror glaring from above. "Yeah? What you do want?" he shouted back.

"Don't move!" Stoneheart leaped higher than the tallest building in the city and started falling… fast.

"Uh..." muttered Alix, "Kim, you should move."

"But he said not to," protested Kim as the shadow casted over him grew larger.

"Kim!" shouted Max, "By my calculations, that goliath will strike you with a force exceeding 40 million Newtons!"

"Give him a chance, guys. He probably only wants to talk." He smiled up at Stoneheart, "Don'tcha, buddy?"

"SMAAAASH!"

At the last second, a blue mini-nuclear explosion exploded a boxing glove on a spring into existence. The glove punched Kim out of Stoneheart's reach. Before he could give chase, a silver staff embedded itself into his path. Chat Noir jumped in his way with a quirky grin, "Go easy, big guy, no need to get hard."

Nooroo and Gabriel stared and both asked, "Did he just… flirt with him?"

Undeterred by Chat Noir's advances, Stoneheart threw a heavy punch. Chat Noir deftly dodged, delivering his own strike with his staff. However, the impact only made Stoneheart radiate and grow even bigger!

"Hmm..." Chat Noir rubbed his chin in thought.

He poked Stoneheart's leg. He grew.

"Hmmmmm…"

Poke. Grow.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm…"

Poke. Grow.

"Chat Noir, stop making him stronger!" ordered Marinette from her hiding spot at the top of the stadium.

"Oh my Astruc, there's a second hero! I have to start a Dynamic Duo Blog now!" Marinette heard Alya cry. She only then noticed Alya was still in the middle of the battlefield, recording every second. The distraction was long enough for Stoneheart to grab Chat Noir in his great stone fist. Time slowed to a crawl for Marinette. Her brand new super-partner was stupid enough to get himself captured and she was too afraid to save him. Everything was falling apart! She was gonna fail and get eaten alive!

"S-s-stay positive, Marinette," she said on the brink of tears, "Remember, life is am… life is amaz—"

She bit her tongue.

That momentary pain sparked something within her. It flared into a great inferno, melting the cold, petrifying fear into pure, unstoppable HAAAATRED!

"FUCK! MY! LIFE!"

Her battlecry roared across the land as she leaped into the field and lassoed Stoneheart's legs. Superhuman strength filled Marinette's muscles and she swung the giant easily across the stadium as if he weighed no more than a paper bag. Chat Noir tumbled from the villain's grasp and took his position next to her.

"Good work, Wonderbug. You got him on the ropes, let's finish him off!" He charged but almost immediately stopped. Marinette had a firm grip on his belt tail and wrench him back.

She grabbed his collar and pulled him close to her seething face, "Look at me, idiot. I'm in charge! You wanna live, then you don't jump unless I say jump. Use that peanut of brain you got and stop hitting him! It makes him stronger!"

"Oh! That's why he was getting bigger," Chat Noir slapped his forehead, "I thought he was just happy to see me. Don't worry, I got this. Cataclysm!" The ancient power of ultimate destruction gathered in his glove. "With a single touch of my supermove, he'll disintegrate. Check it out." Before she could stop him, he touched the soccer goal near them and it crumbled to dust. "Pretty awesome, right?"

"Yeah," she agreed through a forced smile, "Go get him."

"Come at me!" Chat Noir charged! And was immediately punched back across the field to where he started.

"You only get to use it once, genius," Marinette sassed, "Let me show you how it's done. Lucky Charm!" She tossed her yo-yo into the air and down came a polka-dotted wetsuit. She glared down at the item in silence. The only sound was Stoneheart's mocking laughter at her supposed weapon. Her fist clenched the wetsuit tightly and she started marching toward the Akuma.

"You know… I had a really bad day." The anger in her eyes made Stoneheart quiet down and take a step back. "I was robbed, lost my favorite seat, forced into an unhealthy friendship, roped into a life risking job, stabbed through my ears, and threatened with being swallowed whole by a noseless freak! I thought I could bottle it in with a positive attitude and songs but I'm at my limit! I can't take this anymore!" She was completely losing it at this point! Her arms were flailing, her teeth were grinding. Stoneheart fell and crawled backwards until his back was pressed against the bleacher walls. She marched on. "So you got a choice, mister. Either you give up, or you see what I can do with THIS," she menacingly raised the wetsuit, "WHEN I HAVE A TARGET FOR MY FURY, MY HATE AND ALL OF MY SORROW!"

For the next five seconds, the world stood still.

Stoneheart rolled her a blackened crumpled ball of paper and she stomped on it. A little black butterfly fluttered out. Immediately, Stoneheart morphed back into Ivan.

Alya couldn't hit upload hard enough.

Chat Noir inched towards Marinette and asked, "Um, milady, are you oka—"

"Never ask a woman that question."

"Cool, great, let's do this again sometime, later!" he sputtered as he fled.

Regaining her composure, Marinette unfolded the now white crumpled ball of paper to find a note. The words said, 'Haha! You're too dumb to tell Mylene that you like her. Wuss.' Marinette's entire body twitched, "THIS?! This is what made you angry enough to be seduced by evil? Because you can't talk to girls?"

"Girls scare Ivan," the giant boy curled into a ball.

"Ugh, you gotta be kidding me," Marinette groaned. "Ivan, there's nothing scary about talking to girls. What, are you scared she'll turn into a dragon and bite your head off?"

"...Maybe."

"If you like her, tell her. As long as you're nice and she's not a bitch like Chloe, she'll give you a chance. Look at me. Do you think that if I had a crush on someone I would keep it a secret for so long that the emotions slowly drove me insane? No way, I'd tell him in a heartbeat."

Ivan considered Marinette's words, "Tell Mylene? Mmm, okay. Ivan try."

"Wow, you are like the easiest person to convince. I'm out," Marinette lassoed the stadium rooftop.

"Wait!" Alya ran to her, still recording, "What's your superhero name?"

Marinette pondered, "Huh, you know, Chat Noir called me Wonderbug earlier and I kinda like that. It's reminiscent of Wonder Woman who is my favorite superhero and—"

"Is it Ladybug? I'm calling you Ladybug! It totally works into Ladyblog!"

"Actually, I prefer—"

Alya stuck her head in shot, "You heard it here first, folks. Her name is Ladybug!"

Ladybug sighed, "Fine, I guess I'm Ladybug." She swung away.

Later, at Marinette's Bedroom:

"Hundreds lost their lives today at ground zero where a local apartment building was collapsed by the villain Stoneheart. Afterwhich, he was defeated by Paris' newest heroes!" said the news anchor on Marinette's computer.

"Ooh! They're talking about me!" squealed Marinette.

"I, for one, welcome our new superhero overlords," added Mayor Bourgeois from his podium in front of City Hall. "As such, I hereby legalize vigilantism."

"That mean I can be the French Punisher?" asked a random kid in the crowd.

"Of course!" nodded the Mayor.

"Woo, street justice!" the kid cheered and ran off to buy a gun.

Since returning to her room and de-transforming, Marinette had been glued to the screen. The local news was continuously celebrating the arrival of Ladybug and Chat Noir in the city. The praise actually managed to cheer Marinette up a bit. "I gotta say, Tikki, I was really unsure about this whole superhero thing, but it seems I managed to pull it off."

"So you're happy?" Tikki smiled.

"Yeah, I am!" giggled Marinette.

"Then this is the perfect time to tell you that you fucked up," Tikki continued to smile.

Marinette stared at her, "...Huh?"

The news came back on showing terrorized citizens across Paris being swarmed by black butterflies! Each person that was touched was transformed into another Stoneheart that froze in place like a statue!

As Marinette gawked in horror, Tikki playfully chuckled at the human's suffering, "You did everything right, except purifying the Akuma, which is the most important part. You don't do that then it'll multiply and if Ivan gets angry again he'll hulk out like before and that'll give Hawkmoth a stone army. Don't worry, every Ladybug fucks up their first time. You managed to fuck up in the worst way imaginable, but that's not important."

"I did what?! No! AH!" Marinette ran around, pulling her hair, "What have I done?! I've made this so much worse! I'm not a superhero! I'm a klutz!"

"Oh geez, Marinette, don't be so hard on yourself," Tikki narrowed her eyes knowingly, "Talking like that makes it sound like you want to quit or something."

The girl stopped, "I can quit?"

"Of course, nobody is forcing you to be Ladybug," Tikki shrugged.

"You said I was the Chosen One and forced needles into my earlobes!"

"Details," Tikki put an arm nub on Marinette's shoulder, "The point is you're making a conscious sacrifice for the greater good of the world. You will save countless lives through your endless torture."

"...Endless?"

"Yeah, being a hero is a full-time gig. You don't retire until you die of old age or get killed in the battlefield. Whichever comes first. And that noble death will always be remembered… as Ladybug because no one will know it was you behind the mask."

A chill ran up Marinette's spine, "I'm quitting."

"No, wait. Don't. Please reconsider," yawned Tikki as Marinette ran to the mirror. The girl ripped out the earrings and Tikki instantly vanished from reality with a triumphant smirk, "Sucker."

Meanwhile:

The original black butterfly fluttered through the spiral window. "Fff—Merde, it's back! No, get away!" Hawkmoth swiped his cane at the evil insect, "AH! Don't turn me into one of those rock statues! NO!" The butterfly shattered and reappeared in the head of his cane. Hawkmoth blinked, "Oh! Oh, that's what this can does."

"Yes," rasped Nooroo's voice, "Now that the preparations are complete we only need to bide our time and re-akumatize Ivan again. MUAHAAHAHA!"

"How do we do that? Like this?" Hawkmoth chucked his cane out the window again.

"Will you stop doing that!"

INTERMISSION