Ch 21
Little Sparks of Light
"Guys! Guys!"
Leah careens toward us waving her arms, a glossy postcard flapping in her grasp. We both look up, surprised by her excitement. She comes to a sudden halt, pausing only seconds to gracefully settle on the log we are on, holding the postcard out to me.
It's an invitation to attend a freshman mixer at Dartmouth, a pool party at Alumni Gymnasium, featuring dancing and an in-pool movie viewing of the old horror flick, Jaws. The date on the card is this evening.
"It's a federal crime to go through someone else's mail, you know," Jake states grumpily. Leah and I both ignore him.
"Leah, you know I hate parties," I sigh.
"Yes, but Bella, please!... I mean, he's here," she pouts prettily, pointing disdainfully at Jake. Jake looks ready to say something, but I tighten my grip on his forearm as Leah continues, "and well..." Her look is now desperate. "Please! I just need to meet new people. How am I going to do that, if I'm stuck out in the woods with just you two? Can't you just get me in? Bella? Please?"
I look at Leah and am suddenly aware of her alone-ness. Immediately, I am ashamed I hadn't thought of how my friend might feel before inviting Jake for a visit. I see Jake's sudden recognition of the same. An silent decision is made as our eyes meet. I'll be with Jake, anyway, so, how much of a sacrifice would it really be?
I gulp.
"OK," I say, handing the postcard back to Leah, "We'll go."
"Really?!" She says with a touch of surprise. "I thought I'd have a harder fight!" She smiles widely and is ready to grab me up to go, but not before Jake is able to get a word in.
"On one condition, Leah, no experiments tonight," he warns. "Not tonight."
She holds his stare for a moment, something unspoken passes between them, and finally she gives him a nod. She then grabs my hand and the three of us are making our way back toward the house.
I am slipping on a t-shirt and shorts over my black two-piece when I realize Jake and I really hadn't done too much "dating" over the summer. We had spent a lot of time around LaPush, in his garage, on First Beach, and at his house. But between his recovery, my work, and having Leah hanging around, the last time he and I had even been somewhere as official as a movie was when we had the vomitous Mike in the back seat of the Rabbit - Jake's last day as a normal human guy. How sad! Well, tonight I plan on keeping Jake close, while snagging some lawn chairs, or a couple of inner tubes, to watch the movie, just like normal teenagers on a date.
***
The mixer turns out to be well-attended - very well attended. The pool's filled with young hot bods fooling around on inner tubes, awaiting sunset for the movie to begin. As soon as we are poolside, I lose Leah in the crowd. Jake still holds my hand, his eyes wide at the amount of students packing the place.
"I think there are more people here than there are in all of LaPush," he whispers in my ear, gawking a little at the scantily clothed people surrounding us. "This is the first place I feel overdressed."
He has on a loose fitting pair olive-colored khaki shorts. His dark silken hair is tied back simply with one leather string. His grey, fitted t-shirt does little to hide his impressive physique, a detail many of my female counterparts do not fail to notice.
I shoot threatening glares at a pair of brunettes who are batting their eyelashes and flirtatiously tossing their hair trying to attract Jake's attention. I tighten my hand in his. Fortunately, his eyes are on the architecture and not on the ladies. Maybe his warning to prevent Leah from doing any anti-love experiments today is going to be useful after all.
Once past the invitation checkers, I pull him to a quieter part of the party area, a DJ is playing some tunes, but the dancing hasn't started up yet. I'm very conscious of the spectacle Jake is making. His height and his dark looks has both guys and girls curiously glancing his way. I never really had to share him outside of home before, and I don't recognize the wave of possessiveness that threatens to overwhelm me.
We're at the edge of the outdoor basketball court. I face Jake, lean back, my palms flat against the gymnasium's brick-lined wall. He smiles and I smile in return. He quickly glances around. Strangers' heads swivel, pretending to look at anything else but us. Jake looks at me, and gives a small nervous laugh. Suddenly he's cocking his head as if listening to the words of the song that I am not paying any attention to.
"Everyone's watching," he whispers, a little embarrassed.
"I know," I say putting my arms loosely around his waist. His shoulders are too high for me to comfortably rest my arms there. He pulls me in close, causing me to miss the mischievous twinkle in his eye.
"Then, why don't we give them something to watch?" His tone holds a certain male seductiveness that I hadn't heard from him before. Maybe it's the catalyst of all these pretty people staring at my boyfriend that allows me to pick up the subtle change in his voice.
"What do y..."
Suddenly, I feel my toes lift off the ground. I let out a surprised squeak. And as though I am as light as a feather, Jake keeps me tightly against him, lifted just an inch as he strides a few yards to place us smack in the center of the dance floor. I start to pull away, but he keeps me tethered.
"I'm going to kill you," I hiss the threat. A fake smile barely covers my clenched teeth.
"Trust me," he says unaffected, his hot breath ruffles the hair at the top of my head. "Close your eyes if you have to, Bells. Just listen to the music and follow my lead." He places my hands around his waist. I feel his hands go around mine.
My eyelids drift shut. There is no way I am going to be eye witness to the vision of my two left feet and the mocking eyes of the few who are watching. I am determined to dance, no matter how awkward I feel, if only to show these girls around me that Jake belongs to me. So, I close my eyes and listen. A soft smile forms as I hear the singer's throaty, heartfelt words.
...Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me....
"My sister was always playing this song the summer before she left for school," Jake tells me, lost in thought. "I wonder what it meant to her."
We're both listening now. It's Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's.
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way....
I feel Jake's hold tighten as I press my profile against the beating of his heart, my right hand makes a slow slide up his chest, intent to loosely hold around his neck. He takes it before it reaches its destination. Captured, he holds our hands between us.
"It sure means a lot more to me now," he somberly adds. I feel his strong heartbeat beneath our clasped hands. I open my eyes and look up into his, warm with love... for me.
I feel his other hand move to the small of my back, and instinctively I move to rest my palm on his tricep. With just this minor adjustment, my body immediately responds to his masterful lead, steering me as he desires to the left or right. I am amazed at what I am able to do in his arms.
I wonder at his refusal to be Alpha, clearly he's good at this leading thing. I am wondrous that our feet move without getting tangled. Where had he learned to do this? He smiles down at my surprised expression, gliding us effortlessly around the floor, not something usually done during collegiate slow dances, or to a song like this one, but somehow it all seems absolutely natural for him to do so with me.
From the corner of my eye, I see we've gathered a bit of an audience. I spy the envious glances of the girls, the impressed looks from the guys. I even see Leah's curiosity showing itself as outward gawking. I watch as she pulls a random, but hot, guy onto the floor. At my next turn, I see she's dancing with him at the other end of the room.
I smile at her steamrolling, and the surprised look on her partner's handsome face. She's leading him! I giggle, then promptly forget where we are as Jake draws my attention back to him. I realize he's moved me so that I am resting some of my weight against him, but we're still dancing. I feel the rippling muscle movement in his thigh against mine as he wordlessly guides me to follow. I become completely oblivious to the crowd. It's entrancing, the two of us together, moving as though we belong only with one another.
In his strong, capable arms, I am for once not klutzy and awkward, but actually graceful. With his look, I feel loved. His body, confident, supple, and warm against mine reminds me I am human, that I am living the consequences of my summer's choice. I am pleased and proud that my heart still beats, thanks to Jake.
...You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to...
I am startled that the singer's words echo the ones I left Jake with at the airport back at home nearly two weeks ago.
This one's for you
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me...
I smile against him as the song comes to its end.
"We've never danced before," I say softly as we stop our sensuous sway. We unlock to hold hands, standing side-by-side. I am looking up at him. "I didn't know you could do it so well!"
"I have a lot of sisters," he replies with a shrug. "I bet you can guess who got to be the prince in all of their make believe princess games? Each game ended with a Beauty and the Beast ballroom scene," he recalls, a faraway look in his eyes.
He halts a second, then turns to wiggle his eyebrows at me. It takes me a moment to also find amusement in the unexpected metaphor. "Anyway, they were taskmaster dance instructors. Dad was their teacher before the car crash," he sighs. "Anyway, I wasn't allowed to bungle up their dances. I got so good that I was maneuvering around furniture, spinning and dipping them. It was great fun to be in control of my big sisters for once. Rachel said that I'd thank her for teaching me how to dance one day. I guess I'll have to remember to do that."
"I guess I'll have to thank her, too," I say with a smile. "I could never be that graceful alone." In fact, I'm so caught up in Jake that I barely even realize we're moving off the dance floor, and making our way poolside where the movie is starting. As we leave the court I do notice that we seem to have encouraged people onto the dance floor where livelier tunes have taken the place of love songs.
We find a clear spot. Jake lets go of me to pull over a lounge chair. I don't expect the release and nearly topple over into the pool. Jake, with superhuman speed, grasps my arm just as I lose balance. I am amazed at his gentle touch, despite the quick reflexes. I expected a firmer grip. He gives me a tight smile as I look from his fingers on my arm, up to his face.
"Be careful, Bells."
I nod, shamefaced. He bends to sit on the chair, opening his arms to me and I sit down, my back rests against his chest. I feel his arms wrap around me, his fingers entertwine with mine. I'm engulfed in his warmth. We settle in to watch the movie.
It's perfectly awful.
The movie, I mean.
Feeling the length of Jake's body against mine was an entirely different matter. To say the least, it was extremely distracting. Nevertheless, we laugh together. I hear his lovely baritone bark break free of him when he does. I feel his muscles tense around me as we freak out and scream with everyone else around us when the shark finally attacks. He rests the side of his head against mine and it feels absolutely wonderful to be this way.
Mid-movie, I spot Leah in her bright sunset orange string bikini, lounging in an inner tube at the deep end of the pool. I nudge Jake, motioning with my chin towards her. He grunts when he catches sight of her laughing, her head thrown back in mirth at something one of her companions says. True to form, Leah surrounds herself with some of the handsomest hunks in the place. She grabs on to the nearest musclebound arm whenever the familiar menacing shark music plays. I enjoy watching her antics even more than watching the movie.
It occurs to me that for a Dartmouth mixer, I am doing very little mixing. At the movie's end, Leah and her most ardent admirers make their way over to us.
"Hey, you two," she says with a sultry swish of her hips. She tosses her hair, now shoulder length, since she kept her phasing to only a couple times a week during her running workouts. The men around Leah look about ready to swoon. "We were all wondering if you were ready to skip out on the rest of the festivities and go."
I cock an eyebrow. All of them? To our place? Was she nuts? She doesn't even know them! She catches my look and Jake's must have been even more infuriated because she quickly amends her request.
"These guys know a nice place to go get coffee and dessert."
"Sure, Leah," I say, with an apologetic glance Jake's way. "Can we walk?"
The guys nod. We still haven't heard their names, which appears to be no accident, since Leah's not calling anyone by name, except for me. I roll my eyes at her back, but indulge her because, well, she really needs this. She's having fun and I'm having fun just being with Jake.
In short order, Jake and I learn that Leah's brand of fun is torturing these lovesick fellows. Her teasing feminine laugh and flirtatious movements combined with her tough talk has the guys around her, with one exception, hanging on her every word. One particularly funny moment occurs when she moves an inch back in her chair. In near unison, all of the boys stand to assist her. She exclaims at what gentlemen she's found, laughing that she was just getting herself comfortable, and for them to "settle down."
Two hours, twelve lattes, some ice cream, a plate of cake, and a few lemon tarts later, the crowd Leah came in with whittles down to three, not including Jake and myself. It turns out that the remaining are James: tall, dark, and brooding, Isaac: blond athletic type, and Ronald: bookish redhead. They live on campus, are roommates, and have only known each other a couple of weeks.
Leah offers our services to walk them back to campus, ignoring Jake's overlong glare. The boys, however, aren't as unaffected.
"I think..." starts one, with an eye at Jake's scowl.
"We''ll just.." says another and stops mid-sentence seeing Jake's bicep flex.
"It's ok, we'll walk," they finish together as Jake stands up, towering above them to give a nice show of a good stretch and yawn.
I stifle a giggle in a napkin that I'd snatched up during the stammering session.
Leah, sends Jake an annoyed glare. I am simply thankful we're leaving. I'd already had my fill of dessert and coffee, as did Jake, who wolfed down several of both. I watch Leah take down their digits. Her purse is filled with numbers. It must be amazing to feel that kind of feminine power, I muse to myself.
As soon as we are out the door, the last of summer's sultry air swathes our skin. The heaviness of it lingers in the air as we make our way back to the car. Leah's still pouting, but is triumphant at the night's events.
"It's as though they've never seen a girl before," she exclaims, half to herself.
"Not like you, anyway," I add with a smile. "You're beautiful Leah, you know."
"Stop telling her that," warns Jake. "That stuff goes straight to her head."
"It's OK, Jake," she says with a sly smile and whispers something that has him turning red and clenching his teeth against some unexplained embarrassed anger.
Leah's laugh tinkles and I decide I don't want to know what she said to Jake.
The ride home is otherwise uneventful. As soon as we pull into the driveway, Leah tells us she's going for a run. Her mood is one of exhilaration. Jake and I are alone on the porch.
"Well," I say clearing my throat.
"Hmmm?"
"So what do you want to do?"
"Bells," Jake says distractedly, "What are those?!"
I follow his pointing finger and it leads me to what seems like hundreds of little flashing lights. Whoa, I think, what are they?! Is it magic?
"I honestly don't know!" I exclaim.
Jake moves over toward the lights and they disperse, moving away from his body. A memory of something I read in a book flashes in my mind. You never see these in Washington state!
"Jake!" I shout excitedly, "They're fireflies! Don't move! Don't scare them away!"
I run into the house, trip on the carpet runner, and skid toward the kitchen. I look into our recycling and fish out an empty jam jar.
"Hey, Bells, are you serious about me not moving?" I hear Jake yelling from his stationary spot in the yard. It's clear he hasn't moved an inch. "Uh, one landed on me. I don't really like insects. Bells? Do they bite?... Bells?" I chuckle to myself as I hear him let out a little helpless yelp.
"I'm coming!" I yell at him as I punch a couple of small air holes on the jar lid. I rush toward him and hand him the jar. "OK, wolf-guy, catch a few!"
I have a whooping good time guiding the fireflies toward Jake who adeptly captures a bunch. He affixes the cover and grins holding up a mini-lantern.
"How cool!" I breathe, amazed at the beauty in his hand.
"Let's bring them inside," Jake says.
We step into the darkened house and make our way to my room. He places our firefly lantern on the bedside table. It casts a small glow in my bedroom, no tiny with Jake filling it. I am suddenly aware of him. His proximity to me has all my senses tingling. I watch his large hand slowly approach my face. The words he's saying caress my skin.
"Bella, today has been just...." Jake touches a stubborn tendril of hair that refuses to stay off my face. He slides it up and away from my eyes as he finishes his thought, "just amazing. It's very close to being in the top two of the top 10 best times with Bella category."
"I know," I say, suddenly, surprisingly nervous. "Today, with you, it was the same for me, just perfect, Jake." I slide, self-consciously out of the intimate space he's created to pace restlessly around the room and finally toward the dresser to take out a pajama tank top and loose pajama bottoms. I hold them in my hand as Jake draws near. My breath catches as I feel his heated breath against my cheek.
"I want to kiss you, Bella."
My mind warns me that I am not ready for whatever might come after the kind of kiss he seems to want. So, instead of giving into my earlier feelings, I offer him a playful peck on the lips and swat him with my pj's. I hear his sound of disappointment as I move to the far end of my room, unexpectedly shy.
"I need to change," I say, waiting. He's not moving to go. Instead, he stares back at me. "Jake, I need to change," I say, a little more emphatically.
He must have heard me this time. He begins walking, but he's going the wrong way. I watch his approach nervously. He comes within touching distance, but doesn't touch. I feel the heat of his breath glance across my cheek.
"Will you let me kiss you, Bella?" His request, a raspy whisper.
The fireflies continue to add a magical glow in the room. I feel his presence more than I can see him. I watch his chest rise and fall, my eyes roam further up to the V at his throat. It pulses to the steady drumbeat of his heart.
It's night, I realize, long after all of the other times we've ever been alone together. I find I can't speak. I think about each of the times over the last two months that we've even come close to this sort of intimacy. It was rare, maybe twice, and each of those times we were within discovery distance of someone who could walk in on us. The boundaries at home were clear, the safety nets were well placed. Charlie and Billy were valiant guardians of our innocence.
The simple knowing that there's no one to stop us now has me frozen in my tracks. I realize I can tease and play at practicing my feminine wiles on Jake, but now, when I have the opportunity to pay the piper, it - this- was proving to be way too much. I want to share my whole self with him. Yes, I do, very desperately, in fact. But since I never have with anyone else, including, and especially with Edward who I realize now could've killed me in the process, I'm scared out of my wits. Voicelessly, I shake my head, no.
His quizzical stare has me looking lamely down at my hands, twisting my blue tank top around and around my fists.
"Bella, I won't hurt you." His hands reach out, but his fingers don't quite make contact, unsure of my tentativeness.
I know, I think. That's just it. I might hurt myself if I let this happen. Am I ready? There wouldn't be any stopping, if there was any starting. I don't think I am - ready, that is. After all, Leah and I are just getting started out here. And if Jake and I did give into this lust for the first time, how will I ever bear letting him leave on Monday?
I hesitate. He notices that I've stilled.
"Hmmm?" he hums playfully, "Shall we double check?" His teasing smile reaches his eyes and beckons me to return to innocent foreplay. I sigh, relieved.
"Oh, I don't know" I toss off with a devil-may-care smile over my shoulder. "I doubt you can convince me otherwise."
He lets out a little growl and I am swiftly swept up into his arms. My pj's drop from my hands and onto the floor.
His lips are fierce on mine. This wasn't the kind of teasing kiss I'd had in mind when I heard his playful words.
Fire and heat. How can it be that he makes me feel this way? How can it be that this inferno can be controlled and banked whenever we are joking with and teasing one another. And then, when we're like this, it unbelievably bursts into brilliant sparks of light. His masculinity calls out to my femininity. My heart leaps and its furious staccato beat matches his, leaving me breathless. My mouth opens to take in some air and I simultaneously feel Jake's mouth open beneath mine, deepening our kiss.
I feel the surprising coolness of his tongue. He caresses my lips and the roof of my mouth with it. I taste him, too, still sweet and bitter from the chocolate ice cream he'd eaten and the coffee he'd had. I feel his fingers tangle in my hair and I stroke my hands up his back. His muscles bunch beneath my palms at each pass. I am amazed at my ability to affect his breath, his heartbeat, his entire being.
I feel his hands glide down my own back, going over the little, mid-way speed bump created by my bra enclosure. I let a murmur of pleasure escape me as I feel him kneading my lower back, his hands finally coming to rest at the curve of my waist. His hands start a slow, languorous glide upward.
I love the magical glow of this seemingly never-ending kiss. I am comforted to feel from him his utter contentment with just this. His head angles and mine falls against him. I find I am looking upward, my temple nearly touching his shoulder as I succumb to his onslaught of passion. I am intoxicated.
At this point in all the movies I've seen, the music would begin to swell as hands would begin relentlessly tearing off clothes. Instead, for us, an insistent ringing finally reaches me through my desirous haze. I want it to cease so I can focus on Jake and what he's doing to make my brain stop working and my body concentrate only on responding.
I swat my hand forcefully toward the sound. My unexpected, rough movement catches Jake unaware and he teeters, causing my clumsiness to take over. We both fall headlong onto the waiting bed. I land on top of him. His eyes widen, a pleased smile twitches at his lips as he moves to adjust to my weight.
When I recover from the unexpected fall, I am still breathless and the ringing hasn't stopped. I swivel to find its source.
Oh!
Phone!
My brain finally registers. At 1 a.m.??
Oh no?! What's wrong? I put the receiver to my ear, worried by the news I might be greeted with.
"Hi, Bella," Charlie's voice was overly bright for 10 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. I scramble off of Jake as though my dad just entered the room.
"Hi, dad, are you alright?" I ask, worried, pacing, feeling Jake follow me with his eyes as he reclines against my four pillows.
"Yes, Oh! I forgot about the time difference! I'm sorry if I woke you." I discover Charlie's a really bad actor. I roll my eyes at Jake, who's now off the bed, picking up his own cell, which had been vibrating silently in his backpack.
"It's OK, dad," I say, faking a slight sleepy slur. "Leah, Jake, and I went to a student mixer at Dartmouth."
"Oh, I'm just calling to see how Jake got in," he adds cautiously. "I hope you kids have a great time." His emphasis on the word "kids" set my teeth on edge.
"We did. It was fun," I say, this time with an unmanufactured yawn. "You know, I'm beat, dad, Can I call you in the morning?" I can hear Billy's voice greeting Jake, through my dad's end of the receiver. Hmmmm....
"Of course, Bella, I'm sorry I woke you. I just want you to know how proud I am of all your accomplishments." His words served as a not so subtle reminder of how much I'd be risking if I had to deal with any unforeseen challenges caused by giving into the temptation of one night alone with the boy I love. It was a sneaky maneuver from Charlie, and most definitely an effectively sobering one.
Hanging up the phone, I realize that while I might have earlier recognized the significant absence of a father's interrupting knock on the bedroom door, I'd simply never experienced the guilt-inducing power of a parent's spoken word over the telephone.
I sit on the edge of the bed, and send Jake a weak smile. I know exactly what's going on across the room where he's cradling his cell phone between head and shoulder talking to Billy. Our eyes meet and we realize this whole phone invasion had been planned all along, probably devised during an afternoon fishing trip.
"Sure. Sure." I hear Jake say, shaking his head, his dark hair falling into his eyes. "Leah scouted the trails in the back woods already."
He says his goodbyes, thrusting his fingers through his hair, only to have a stubborn dark lock fall onto his face again. He stands astride me to place the cell on the table by our makeshift lantern. With that small chore done, he bends to glide a caressing palm against my jawline.
"I'm going for a run, Bella," he whispers.
I nod, staring into his eyes, silently pleading with him to return to where we had been before our dads' calls.
"I love you," he says softly, moving his hand, running his fingers through my hair, cradling the back of my neck, gently tilting my face up to look at him. "And because I do, I'm going to do the right thing. We're not going to screw up your life - our lives - by letting our raging hormones do our thinking tonight." His sigh is a frustrated one. His words clearly echoing Billy's words. "Now...well... Now's not the right time for that. We... we have forever to work on getting there."
"No, Jake," I say instinctively, "not forever..."
I see a flash of hurt in Jake's eyes.