Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. This chapter is a lot shorter than usual because when I wrote it I really did not have the energy. I'm getting better though, although, it's still difficult to sit for long periods of time and work. That means I'm getting a lot less writing done. That's part of the reason why it took so long.
The other reason is the fabulous Merklin, who is the beta for this story, started back to school in September and had to deal with everything that entails. We both profusely apologize for the long wait. The next chapter is done and being edited. However, we still encourage you to be patient. (If you have ever read any of my stories before I had a beta, you can appreciate all the hard work that Merklin puts into reviewing every story. Let's be honest, I need all the help I can get with proofreading.)
Congratulations to everybody who guessed that the quote was from this series finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The line before was when Buffy said "I love you" to Spike. Let's just say that foreshadows something that occurs in this chapter and possibly later on in this story. That's all I'm going to say. (Am I the only one who's mind instantly conjured up images of the BtVS episode Smashed when they watched the 'bridge scene' for the first time?)
As time goes on Spock will figure out why he and Jim are having similar dreams as soon as he realizes that they're having similar dreams.
Chapter Nine: Epiphanies of the Chocolate Chip Cookie Kind
Breakfast with James went well, despite another night of strange dreams. Last Night's dream involved an expansion of what occurred in the bathroom, complete with kissing and other amorous activities. Spock tried to keep these thoughts out of his mind as he purposely kept their conversation focused on work that morning. Fortunately, there was no screaming or throwing of utensils this time. Spock is convinced that edible food from the replicators can make any occasion more hospitable.
Despite encouragement from the letter and James' more hospitable demeanor during their encounter in the bathroom from the previous night, Spock decided against mentioning Kevin again, let alone any other area of possible contention. A repeat of what happened the night before in the cafeteria would be detrimental to their improving relationship and likely undermine both in the eyes of the crew. Things were just getting to the point where the crewmembers were no longer betting on when Spock would kill Jim. Unfortunately, they were still betting on when the two would engage in sexual relations despite the fact that such a wager violates 18 different Starfleet regulations.
The other reason why Spock avoided any thing of a personal nature was he was not completely ready to talk about Amanda yet. James was right; it would not be logical to expect James to open up about his life when Spock was not ready to extend the same courtesy, especially regarding his mother's death. Not enough time had passed. Spock was just getting used to life without her and he was not ready to talk about her yet. If he talked about her like that, then that means that he is accepting her death and as illogical as it sounds, Spock is not quite there yet. Several times in the last 24 hours, Spock had to remind himself that he could not call his mother for advice on how to handle things with James and Nyota.
Spock was worried about Nyota for multiple reasons, including why she purposely looked for the other letters in the first place. Technically, it was within the confines of her job to read the letters. As Chief Communications Officer if there is a 'need to know', she has a right to access all Correspondence from the ship even if they are of a personal nature. There is no expectation of privacy on a Federation computer. This is a point brought out during the induction of new recruits. All documents created on Federation computers are considered public record. James was probably aware of this; otherwise he would not have reconfigured the archiving system to destroy certain messages or taken similar measures during his attempt to reprogram the Kobayashi Maru.
If Spock really wanted to keep James' letters (or anything else for that matter) private, he would move the documents to a non-Starfleet server after deleting all evidence of the document existing in the first place, which is what he did with the most recent letter and the other documents that he was saving. Spock was deluding himself with thinking the documents would be safe in his special encrypted folder because the documents were still on the server. If someone with 'minimal' computer training could access the files, then it would be no trouble at all for Admiral K to retrieve the information with the aid of the Starfleet IT department for various purposes.
Spock knew she did not look for the other letters purely for her personal entertainment or to cause him personal pain, despite her quoting key passages. Nyota is not a malicious person. Spock knew firsthand the difference. He remembered a classmate on Vulcan who purposely hacked into Spock's personal files and forwarded extremely personal information to the entire student body for the sole purpose of eliciting an emotional response. Spock remembered this Vulcan's maliciousness and knew that was not Nyota's intent.
There had to be another explanation for her actions. Spock thought back to his father and his gross violation of his privacy when he went through all of Spock's personal computer files as a child. One time as a teenager Spock asked him why he did this, and Sarek said it was because Spock would not tell him why he came home covered with bruises. He admitted the same just a few weeks earlier. Knowing Nyota the way Spock did, he could see her doing the same thing for the same reasons if she had cause.
Was there something in Jim's behavior or in what she read that caused enough alarm that she would violate Jim's privacy when she chastised Spock for doing the same thing? Dr. McCoy hinted at the possibility that she was doing this even if the doctor was not aware of the true circumstances behind her coming across the letters. Of course, the doctor referred to her behavior as paranoia triggered by what happened to her friend Marc.
Spock had a sneaking suspicion that he should be very grateful that she could not access the most recent letter where Jim actually confessed to attempting suicide when he was 11. She would have most likely notified Dr. McCoy before Spock had an opportunity to convince her that Jim was no longer a danger to himself. Due to their positions, they had a duty to automatically report when a crewmember could be a danger to himself or others even if the crew member happened to be a captain. He knew she would do her duty no matter what.
Spock already knew she was very sensitive to the subject of suicide. For example, she refused to watch the last 10 minutes of Romeo and Juliet when Spock finally convinced her to watch something more intellectually stimulating than obscure 21st century Adam Sandler films. In light of this information, Spock believes that Nyota blames herself for Marc's suicide because she either did not report suspicious behavior or missed it all together.
Of course Spock is only 73.3% sure of his hypothesis because Nyota refuses to speak to him about Marc or anything else that is troubling her. This is upsetting because Nyota expects Spock to tell her everything about James and his mother but she will not pay him the same courtesy. Spock now understands why James was so annoyed with him.
Spock has tried on multiple occasions over the last two days to have a conversation with her about this but instead he was interrogated about his improved relationship with James. Again, he found this frustrating because she was expecting more out of him than what she was willing to give herself. Such an incident occurred a little bit before he was to meet James again for another chess game to make up for what happened two days previously.
"James and I did not kiss and make up. I do not understand your reference. I have not kissed James. I feel that you are trying to avoid the sensitive subject of your friend's suicide by redirecting the conversation to that of my interactions with James. It is unfair that you expect me to divulge the personal details of my relationship with James yet you are unwilling to grant me the same type of trust." Spock said pointedly with one of his eyebrow raised in irritation as this conversation took place privately on one of the observation decks.
"We're talking about you, not me. You're trying to redirect away from a discussion of your feelings for James. You are just using that subject to avoid talking to me about your Jim issues. Although things must be going better, because you two had breakfast and lunch together recently and I'm pretty sure I saw you feeling him up during shift when you handed him a PADD. Good thing I'm the only one who knows you're making out with him." If Spock were human, he would be shocked at her desire to avoid this particular issue so much that she would deliberately bait him. Being Vulcan has prepared him for such emotional avoidance.
"It is technically not redirection if I asked you first. However, things are going better with James, and we are to have another chess game tonight." Spock said, avoiding any comments on possibly inappropriate hand contact on the bridge. Such comments would completely derail the conversation.
"That's great. I knew things would get better." She said smiling as she sat down.
"In the interest of being a good friend to you, I wish to help you deal with your lingering issues regarding your friend's death. I cannot help you until you acknowledge that there is a problem. You did not allow me to avoid my feelings, and therefore I cannot allow you to do the same thing." Spock said as he sat next to her.
"God, I can't believe you're turning this around on me. This must be an obvious sign that you're getting better. Thank you for trying to help, but I don't have any lingering issues. My best friend since high school killed himself because I was too caught up in my own life to pay attention to the signs. If I was paying attention I would have realized that he wasn't handling his boyfriend's death very well. Maybe if I read…" she started but cut herself off as if she realized that she was telling him too much. It was enough to confirm his suspicions. She blames herself for what happened because she missed all the obvious signs.
"I'm fine, and don't you dare a lecture me about the ambiguousness of the term. I have come to terms with what happened a long time ago. I have a whole new group of people to mourn because I made the wrong decision. I have to go. Maybe we can do breakfast after your date tonight?" She asked in an obvious attempt to get Spock to not focus on her last few statements. Spock knew he would not get anything else from her, so he allowed her to avoid the matter at hand again.
"It is not a date." Spock said almost halfheartedly, knowing that what he was saying was slightly inaccurate.
"For some reason I don't believe you. I'll talk to you later." With that she was gone, and Spock was even more confused than before.
During his chess game with James he considered asking him how to deal with the current situation with Nyota, but decided against it for multiple reasons. First, Spock would have to explain to James that he and Nyota were only friends now, and Spock was still unable to bring himself to do that. It was not because he was afraid. Yes, it was because he was afraid, but Spock was not afraid of his own feelings. Spock was afraid that James would become even more distant if he were to realize that Spock was available. At least, this is the rationalization Spock used to not have that particular conversation with James. Spock was becoming good at creating all sorts of justifications to excuse his various decisions.
The second reason was that the situation involving Nyota was too personal, and Spock was unsure how comfortable she would be with Spock telling James all the sordid details. The two were just starting to become friendly with each other, although Spock would be remiss to refer to their interactions as friendship just yet. The antagonism that he witnessed early on in their relationship was gone, but it had yet to be replaced by anything else except for maybe a professional respect for one another.
The third reason Spock stayed silent on the matter was he was unsure if he could explain the situation without accidentally letting James know that Spock knew about the letters or the fact that Nyota read the first four letters, because Spock was careless and she was paranoid.
Instead of talking about his Nyota issues, Spock chose to bring up the subject of James' brother. This led to a 32.3 minute conversation where Spock became aware of the 49 reasons why Kevin Kirk would make an excellent addition to the Starfleet academy including his near perfect GPA and diplomatic skills cultivated by brokering peace between his older brother and mother. Spock was also aware of 23 reasons why Admiral Barnett would most likely regret how heavily they tried to recruit James' younger brother. Spock found the anecdote of how James taught his younger brother to hack into his school's Computer System to give everybody a perfect score on the intergalactic SAT except for certain students who constantly teased Kevin extremely fascinating amusing. James seemed extremely animated when he talked about his little brother in a way that Spock never saw before; James even shared a few happier memories from his past-like Kevin coming up for siblings' weekend at the academy or teaching his little brother how to pick up girls.
Apparently, Winona put James in charge of having the sex talk with his brother. This resulted in a very embarrassing situation involving Kevin asking his brother several embarrassing questions about his personal sex life, and Jim deciding in the end it was just better to download the information into his brother's PADD. James laughed when Spock told him that this was exactly what his father ended up doing with him.
At this point, James pulled out his photo album and started showing Spock pictures of his brother and his life in Iowa. Spock instantly noticed that very few of those images included his mother. A few times Spock wondered if she was actually removed from the digital images.
After a few moments, they came to a section labeled "Jim's 24th birthday party." Judging by the high amounts of nudity and controlled substances depicted, Spock doubted that the then 16 year old would have been in attendance. From the little things that Spock has gathered over time, it seemed that Winona was not the most attentive parent, especially on that day of the year, so who knew? However, Jim was a very protective big brother, and most likely would not allow Kevin to be present for this.
Spock could tell that James was extremely embarrassed by the images. His red cheeks were an obvious sign, as well as the way he hastily moved through those images. Spock personally felt James had no reason to be embarrassed but that was mostly because Spock knew his behavior in the images was James' coping strategy to deal with his father's death, even if it was a self destructive strategy.
Spock could not help but wonder if he would do something so reckless on the one-year anniversary of his mother's passing? He should probably ask Nyota and James to hide all chocolate on the ship now. At present, there was an 87.3% chance that Spock will end up with chocolate poisoning on the one-year anniversary of his mother's death. Spock hoped that by the time the anniversary came he was in a better place emotionally, but Spock doubted that being the case. Spock was already dreading his mother's birthday in December; just sharing a few anecdotes about her playing chess with him as a child when he was sick and her bad cooking was painful enough that he indulged in a few chocolate chip cookies tonight. However, Spock wanted to at least try to open up to James.
To prevent his morose thoughts, Spock decided it was in his best interest to change the subject quickly to the experiments he was running on genetically modified grain for the New Vulcan colony. Only in hindsight does Spock realize that maybe changing the subject so abruptly was a bad idea. This hindsight came in the form of another extremely personal letter from James.
Spock really was not expecting a letter because the overall encounter was pleasant. However, for some reason Spock has gotten into the habit of checking his PADD just after midnight. This had nothing to do with the illogical desire for James to keep sending Spock his highly personal messages, it was just prudent to check his e-mail at regular intervals. As First Officer, it was his duty to be on call at all times-especially considering James' tendency to send him emails at all hours of the day containing work related material.
Spock did not drop his PADD in complete shock when James wrote that he did not have a crush on Spock but still fantasized about him sexually. The PADD was just slippery and he did not actually drop it until he read about James wishing to engage in sexual intercourse with both him and Nyota simultaneously.
Spock also may have started coughing profusely when he read James' very interesting theory about how Spock is aware of certain things that he should not be. Spock loathes to admit that Dr. McCoy may be right about James discovering that Spock knows about the letters by accidentally revealing information that he could only glean from the letters.
Spock actually found James' constant denial of his feelings regarding him more confusing than shocking. Actually, Spock found much of the letter confusing, including the pop culture reference to someone named Butch and Sundance. Spock assumed it was a pop culture reference because James had a tendency to do this on multiple occasions, like two days ago in the bathroom, and Spock was unfamiliar with anybody in Starfleet that went by either moniker. He would have to ask James the next time an opportunity presented itself.
James insisted multiple times throughout the letter that he only desired friendship with Spock, but James' words were filled with sexual overtones. This was in addition to the lust Spock felt from James every time they made skin to skin contact (53 times during tonight's chess game alone was a perfectly acceptable amount of contact, contrary to what James said in his letter).
Spock already knew that it was impossible to have a sexual interest in someone and still only want to be their friend. Spock already knew he did not just want to be James' friend. The two concepts were contradictory. James' desire was more than just carnal; he desired a real relationship with Spock. This revelation did not cause Spock to become dizzy. Said dizziness was caused by insufficient meditation that afternoon, and by consuming chocolate chip cookies during the chess game so he would be willing to open up to James.
Maybe before, when Spock was convinced that James found everybody sexually attractive Spock could dismiss everything he read, but he could not now that he was starting to see the real James Kirk. He never believed all the rumors involving James sexual prowess; it is anatomically impossible for a human male to engage in sexual intercourse with at least 18 of the species that James Kirk has allegedly had sex with during his three years at Starfleet Academy alone. Also, due to security measures, it is impossible to engage in sexual intercourse in the captain's chair during a mission. There is a 32.1% chance of successfully facilitating such actions during shore leave, and the Enterprise has not had shore leave yet. Therefore, any such accusations must be false. From his observations and previous letters, Spock knows that James takes his job too seriously to engage in frivolous sexual encounters that could, at the very least, undermine his leadership and at worst cause him to lose his command of Enterprise.
As an academy professor with classes that skewed predominantly female, he has heard every rumor imaginable, including the ones James specifically mentioned in his most recent letter, although the fact that James Kirk was pan sexual was never mentioned. Then again, in 2258 sexual orientation was not that important, and the rumor about James with an Ambassador named Erin could have just as easily be about an Ambassador named Aaron.
Although Spock would have to ask Nyota exactly how she was responsible for the multiple rumors involving James and various farm animals, that would provide him with an excuse to talk to her again. Spock was tempted to lock her in a room until she actually spoke to him about her Marc-related issues, but she would most likely turn the situation around on him. There was no way Spock was going to tell her anything about the content of the last two letters, therefore making the solution illogical. Although Vulcans are normally not afraid, Spock does not want to find out what her reaction would be if she were to discover James' desire to engage in sexual intercourse with the two of them simultaneously.
Spock could tell by James' words that sex was not just about physical gratification for him; it was about vulnerability and letting someone truly see him, as long as alcohol was not involved. James did not have many sexual partners because he did not trust people. If James desires to have a sexual relationship with him, then that must mean that he either already trusts Spock enough to desire such intimacy, or at the very least James has the desire to trust Spock with such openness. Spock is unsure whether he should be flattered or petrified by such a conclusion.
There are many things about this particular letter that Spock finds deeply disturbing, other than discovering James' true intentions. First, James essentially confesses that on multiple occasions he has been under the influence of various substances before he could engage in sexual intercourse or some other type of sexual contact, such as kissing, with several of his partners. In some parts of the Federation, if you are under the influence of alcohol or other substances (chocolate in Vulcan law) at the time of intercourse it is considered sexual assault because of your inability to give consent. Of the nine people that James has had intercourse with, how many of those encounters were truly consensual?
Then there is the fact that James relied on alcohol and other substances to make himself comfortable enough to engage in sexual activities. This bothered Spock for various reasons, including the fact that such behavior could become deadly. Spock has personally dealt with more than one student who died of alcohol poisoning or an accidental overdose at the academy. He was worried about James suffering the same fate.
What type of childhood trauma in Jim's life has made him so afraid of sexual intimacy that he needed alcohol first? Actually, Spock was sure it was more than just intimacy of a sexual nature; James seemed afraid of love. More than that, James seemed to believe that he was not deserving of receiving love. For example, there was the quote that James used two days ago during their private bathroom conversation. After research in a 21st century earth pop culture database Spock discovered that the quote referred to one character telling another that he did not believe her declaration of love on a TV show where demons were used as an allegory for life troubles (Spock did not spend 2 hours looking for the quote and watching clips from the original show in that particular database to avoid discovering what really happened to Winona Kirk on Tarsus IV, He just happened to find that particular quote fascinating). For some reason the idea of not being loved to resonate with James, and Spock was 98.23% certain this stems from some childhood trauma. James even specifically mentioned that he felt unlovable because of his childhood. That statement made Spock feel sad, even if he tries to repress that emotion.
For a moment, Spock wondered if James' fear of sexual intimacy had anything to do with Frank. Spock knew that the man physically assaulted Jim as a child, but could that abuse include sexual molestation? The thought alone was repugnant, but it was a possibility. Jim stated that he did not become sexually active until he was about 20, but Spock doubted he would include sexual contact that was not consensual in that figure. There was no way for Spock to know for sure unless James told him because the records involving Frank's incarceration were sealed. Then again, just the fact that the records were sealed lends credence to the theory that they contain something as unsavory as sexual molestation.
Then there is also the fact James usually displayed sexual interest in those that he could not actually have a relationship with. It seems almost as if James purposely fixates on individuals he cannot be with so he doesn't have to deal with the possibility of having a real relationship with anyone. It is obvious from his words that James is using Spock's perceived relationship with Nyota as a means to keep Spock at a distance. At the same time, it makes Spock a safe object of his affection. James sees all the obvious signs that he and Nyota are now only friends, but he refuses to accept that this is the case. Spock was already worried that if he told James about the breakup he would be pushed away. As long as James assumed that Spock was safely in a relationship with someone else, James would feel comfortable exploring his feelings for Spock. Spock needed to show James that he would not hurt him and that he actually did love him before James would be willing to...
Did he actually say love even in his own mind? Spock found himself becoming dizzy again at the thought alone. How could he have fallen in love with James Kirk so quickly?
Maybe it was just infatuation, but Spock doubted that. If it was just infatuation, Spock's heartbeat would not increase by 7.4% just because James thanked him for not being intrusive. Maybe it was just a platonic type of love, but Spock sincerely doubted that considering the content of most of his dreams recently.
Due to his shocking revelation, Spock found himself wandering into the shared bathroom for the express purpose of splashing cold water on his face. Such a practice did not alleviate the feeling of lightheadedness.
"Are you okay?" Spock heard a voice call from the other side of the bathroom. It was James, who already had his shirt off. The degree at which Spock found this scene aesthetically pleasing caused him to become even more lightheaded than before.
"I am fine." Spock replied, still in a daze state.
"The fact that you said the word 'fine' alone tells me that you are anything but fine. You hate that word." James said, placing a hand on Spock's face. He could feel James' concern wash over him. He was comforting.
"I may have accidentally consumed too many chocolate chip cookies during the game." Spock said as an excuse as he moved to sit on the toilet.
"If this is what happens after one cookie, I hate to see how you are after half a box of truffles. I just wanted to get you to loosen up a little to avoid what happened last time, not be completely smashed. Next time, no cookies," Jim said as he grabbed the washcloth from the sink.
"I had more than one cookie, but I believe you may be right. There may have been other things that triggered this reaction, regardless." Spock said just as James ran the washcloth over his face again.
"Maybe you should go see Bones? This could be some weird allergic reaction." Jim said with a type of concern and worry that Spock had never seen from him before. It was in that moment that Spock completely realized that he was fully in love with Jim Kirk.
"That will not be necessary. I am starting to feel better already." Spock told him as he allowed James to continue. This was now not a lie because the lightheadedness had gone away now that Spock had at least admitted the truth to himself.
"I'm not going to make anybody go to Bones unless they want to. If I do that, you are going to do the same to me."
"Only when your health is in jeopardy; if I am still unwell, I will consult the doctor tomorrow morning." Spock replied, thinking he will do that anyway for completely unrelated reasons.
"That tells me you are feeling better already, so I'll let you get away with that. Do you want me to stay with you for a few more minutes?" James asked as Spock got up from the toilet and started walking to the door.
"I find that acceptable." Spock said, deciding that he was unwilling to let James leave.
To be continued