The first thing I did when we got back to Bobby's was to go to the panic room. Inside of those iron walls I was supposedly safe. Outside the hunters and angels talked about what was to be done. But that was all it was – talk. While I paced this new prison I thought about what my life was going to be like from now on. I was as hunted as every other monster. For some reason the angels wanted me, possibly because of the abomination I was. Castiel had called me such a thing when we'd first met, and I had gathered by now that he was perhaps one of the most open minded angels out there. The others wouldn't let something like me walk the Earth. I was a danger to others, and I was easily controlled, as Crowley and Lee had already proven.
For hours they discussed strategies. Killing Crowley came up fairly often, and then how to remove all the angels who would try to hunt me down. We were vastly outnumbered, and all of this just for my sake felt like too much.
I really wished there was another way around it, but the only thing that came to my mind was death. Mine and my brother's. I was going to have to be the one to wipe out Lee. It was clear I had the power to somehow cancel him out, I had twice in my lifetime managed to force him from a host body, but the awful truth was that to completely destroy him I would need to sacrifice my life.
A lot of hunters would just let me do that, for the greater good of mankind they would pat me on the back and wish me luck with my suicide mission. But not the Winchesters. They'd be determined to save me, to go against all the odds to make sure that I stayed in their lives. And then there was Castiel. Sweet, wonderful Castiel. It was so selfish of me to want to save my own life just for one more day with him. Each moment I spent drawing breath, was another moment I placed the people I loved in mortal peril.
The only way I could make them agree to my plan, was to lie.
My fingers trembled as they worked to open the door of the panic room. I ascended the stairs, their voices getting louder as I approached. I lingered in silence on the other side of the door, ear pressed to the wood, just trying to take in the different tones. Sam's reasonable, kind voice. Bobby's sarcastic comments, and Ellen's aggressive reasoning. I loved how Dean used humour to mock the idiotic suggestions of others, and how Ash could switch from a fool to a genius without missing a beat. Jo had such a sweet, melodic tone when she wanted. Then there was Castiel. Each perfect roll of that gravelly voice made my stomach do back flips. I took a shuddering breath, willing myself not to cry. I had to act like I believed this ridiculous false plan would work, or they would never buy into it.
God, I was going to miss them when this was over.
With an expression of utmost determination fixed upon my face, I pushed the door open and strode into the room. Bobby got out of his seat first and demanded, "Get back downstairs, Evelyn! It ain't safe for you up here."
"I have the company of some of the best hunters in the country, and three bad-ass angels, I think I'll be okay."
"Yeah you will be," Gabriel patted me heavily on the shoulder, "They're going to need something impressive to get past us."
"Something like her brother," Balthazar reminded the angel, "Which is exactly our concern right now. Angels and demons are one thing, they have weaknesses, but this Legion creature is new and we don't know how to face it."
"Actually, we do," I said, "I can burn him out the way I did before. I was weak at the roadhouse, I'd been suffering from months of torture. If I do the same thing as soon as he tries to merge with me, I should be able to eradicate him completely."
"That's a pretty big if," Ellen observed, "And there's no guaranteein' that he'll want to try to take yah over again so soon."
"I think he will. He wanted to kill Crowley, but I'm guessing that he hasn't made that sentiment known to his boss. I can try to strike a deal with Lee, make it look like I'm all for killing the demon."
"It's not the worst idea I've ever heard," Sam reasoned, "If Lee's desperate enough he'll be eager to agree to it. I mean, he obviously doesn't have the juice to take on Crowley alone, otherwise he wouldn't have gone through with being his lap dog in the first place."
"I don't like it," Castiel interjected, "If this goes badly then Evelyn will certainly die, or worse, she'll never be able to expel Lee from her body. We'll lose you forever," he took hold of my hands in his and made me meet his eyes, "I don't want to take that kind of risk."
"Can you think of anything else that'll kill him?" I asked, "I know this doesn't solve the problem with the demons and angels on my tail, but it's a start. Without Lee around we'll all be a lot safer."
"That's not the problem here," the angel argued, "I can't – I can't lose you again, Evelyn. I will fight off every angel and demon that comes to take you away, and together we can kill your brother, so long as it means you're out of harm's way."
"Oh man, and I promised myself I wouldn't cry," Gabriel mocked.
Castiel didn't give his brother the satisfaction of a reaction. His gaze was unwavering when he said, "I will not allow you to be put at risk."
The fact he was so good to me was breaking my heart over and over again. If I had just stuck to my own stupid rules and not let myself get close, then this wouldn't be so difficult. I squeezed his fingers gently in mine and reassured him with a sweet lie, "I won't get hurt. I – for God's sake I can't believe I'm saying this to anyone – I love you, Castiel, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure everything goes off without a hitch. I am the only one who can destroy Lee, and after that the demons and angels shouldn't be a problem to deal with."
Because I'd be dead and they'd have no reason to track me down. But I didn't intend to say that out loud.
"Do you know how you can lure him in?" Sam asked, "I mean, he was easy to find before, but only because Crowley wanted us to walk right into his trap."
"We're siblings, and he said I was his missing half," I answered, "I guess that means if I really wanted to I could reach out to him mentally and summon him to me."
"Simple as that?" Dean asked.
"Seriously, you think any of this is going to be simple?" I laughed, "If he does manage to overpower me somehow, you guys are going to have to kill me. I imagine that's going to take a lot of angel juice to pull off."
"It isn't going to come to that," Castiel said sternly, "It can't."
"It always pays to have a plan B," I winked, "You guys are going to have to hang back and let me call him on my own. Are there any forests nearby? Places you guys have a lot of cover to hide in if this goes south?"
"A few miles out," Bobby said, "But we ain't just flyin' in there guns blazin'. This time we're plannin' it properly."
"You're the boss," I said, "What've you got in mind?"
The man could have planned an invasion of Europe if he really wanted to. While they talked about where they might have the best visuals or clearest shots with a gun, I sat in Castiel's lap on the sofa and listened with a glassy expression. This was the last time I would be in this house. I remembered when I used to draw on the floorboards with chalk, and Bobby would tell me that I should try something more useful than square houses. I'd learnt how to mark out a decent devils trap by the age of six thanks to him. And the first night I had been back here after the Winchesters had abducted me, I had slept on the sofa after getting exhausted reading through the dusty old books. It was in this room I had first seen Castiel, and here that he had broken me down and made me confess past sins.
It felt like a lifetime ago now.
I remembered how the angel had tried to kiss me when we'd been alone, and how my fears of what I might be able to do to him hadn't driven him away. He'd been so gentle with me, just like he was now, as if I was the most precious thing in Heaven and Earth to him. I blinked a few times, steeling my nerves against the devastating emotions which were trying to crack my heart to pieces in my chest. I wouldn't allow those memories to bring me sadness. They were my comfort, the things that would help me cling to my humanity in my final moments. It would help me to remember why I was giving my life.
It wasn't because I wanted to die, it was because I wanted these wonderful people to live.
I never wanted them to forget me.
"You listenin' over there?" Bobby asked.
"Yeah, sorry," I grinned, "Just too busy thinking about how good it'll feel to get some payback on Lee."
"The only thing you'll be gettin' is dead if you don't pay attention."
"You should have more faith in me," I chided, "I know exactly what I have to do, okay? No need to worry."
"The day I stop worryin' about you, is the day I stop breathin'."
Or the day I stopped breathing. Either way, that day was coming soon.