CHAPTER 21

Hutch discovered over the next few days that Richard's personality closely resembled his own. He was somewhat aloof and reserved, with a tendency to be arrogant and overbearing at times. He saw himself as cultured and well educated with a talent for music and art. Sometimes Hutch almost felt like he was looking in a mirror. Even Richard's name had been borrowed from Hutch. Hutch wondered if it was Starsky's way of feeling that he still had Hutch there in some form to protect him. It seemed almost fitting that one of the more dominant personalities should bear his name.

One afternoon, Hutch decided to ask Richard about the other personalities.

After a light snack of fruit and cheese, Hutch looked at the familiar face that somehow seemed out of place with this particular personality and said,

"Tell me about the others. What are they like?"

"You've already met D.J. and Michael. What more do you want to know about them?"

"What can you tell me about them?"

"Well, you already know that Michael is very angry and wants to hurt anyone who tries to get close to him. He hated the things those people did to him. He wanted to hurt them the way that they had hurt David. And he did, he killed one of them, tore out his throat with his teeth."

Hutch caught his breath, remembering the victim whose death had led the cult to threaten Starsky's murder in retaliation.

"Michael has been around almost from the beginning but he didn't emerge until after David was violently gang raped by six men. He holds on tightly to all of David's rage at the things that were done to him."

"What about D.J."

"I already told you. D.J. is just a child. He didn't even fully exist until we were brought here. The only reason he even emerged is because Michael didn't want to be here and I wasn't needed yet…and none of the others wanted to come out."

"So if Michael holds onto Starsky's rage, then what D.J. hold on to?"

"His innocence. The innocence of a child. David's inner child. You've met him before just not as a separate individual."

"A few minutes ago, you mentioned the others. Who are they?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"So I'll know who they are when I meet them." Hutch said,hoping that sounded like a plausible explanation for his request for information about the other personalities. "And I'll know what to expect."

"The only one you'll have to careful of is Polaris. He will definitely like you." Richard chuckled lightly.

Hutch flinched at the thought of one of the personalities calling himself by the hated nickname assigned to Starsky by Simon Marcus and then by the cult that had held him captive for so long. "Why's that?" Hutch asked.

"Because he likes blonds the best, especially good looking blonds like you. And it doesn't matter if they're male or female."

Hutch flushed at the implication behind those words. "So Polaris has something to do with sex?" Hutch ventured an educated guess.

"Polaris is all about sex. He loves it…he craves it. He's bi-sexual and doesn't care who knows it. He came to protect David from the repeated rapes and almost constant sexual abuse. He doesn't feel the shame and humiliation that David felt when they touched him like that against his will. He emerged around the same time Michael did but before the gang rape."

Hutch paused and closed his eyes for a moment. The sexual abuse and vicious rapes were still the worst part of Starsky's captivity for him to have to hear about and the most difficult for him to deal with. The emergence of a personality like Polaris, even as far as taking on the despised name, all made sense to him.

"Are there any others I should know about?" Hutch asked

"Just Gordo, Nicholas and of course, David himself."

"Tell me about them."

"I doubt if you'll ever have any reason to meet any of them."

"What about David himself? Won't I meet him eventually?"

"I doubt it. He never comes out anymore. He's too afraid and ashamed. He's almost catatonic. There's not much of him left. He's already dead emotionally."

Hearing Richard talk about Starsky's true self, the core personality as Steve called him, in such a dismissive tone was disturbing to Hutch. Did that mean that the essential essence of Starsky, whatever it was that made him unique, was gone forever? He'd have to remember to ask Steve about that.

"What about Gordo and Nicholas?" Hutch found it amusing that one of the personalities was named Nicholas. That was Starsky's younger brother's name and they didn't exactly see eye to eye. His brother, Nicky, was selfish and self centered and he didn't care about anyone but himself. And Gordo was a nickname that Hutch himself had given to Starsky shortly after they met.

"Those two never come out. They are just there. Gordo is the keeper of David's spirit, his individuality. His inner strength. David lost all that when he lost himself."

"What about Nicholas?"

"Nicholas is cocky, confident and sure of himself. He knows what he wants and he goes after it." Hutch had to smile, that sounded like the Starsky he knew. He began to see what Steve had meant when he said that all the personalities were linked together and had to be rejoined to make a whole person, instead of just individual pieces of a shattered psyche.

"Is that all of you?"

"At the moment. It's a little crowded in here as it is. There's isn't any room for anyone else." Richard smiled at his own joke.

"What makes you change from one to the other?"

"Different things…plus some of us have more control on how long we can keep the body."

"I don't understand. Can you explain that to me?"

"All right…for example, if something happened to make David mad or make him feel threatened, then Michael would come out because that's his job…to get mad and attack anyone who is threatening David. I came out when you started to talk to D.J about what happened to David and I couldn't let you do that because he's an innocent, he doesn't remember any of the bad things that happened. If someone approached David sexually, male or female, then Polaris would probably come out. Like I said, it all depends on the what's happening to David at the time."

"But some of you can chose to keep control of the body even if something is happening that could cause one of the others to come out?"

"Yes…but only if we want to. Michael is more likely to fight to stay out. He likes to stir things up."

"So you and Michael are the most dominant personalities?"

"Basically…although I do have some control over Michael so I suppose that makes me the most dominant one." Richard yawned, obviously growing bored with the conversation. "I'm bored. Can we take a walk?"

"Sure, I don't see why not. I could use some exercise myself."

"You certainly could." Richard said bluntly "You've put on a few pounds and I don't care for the hair or the mustache. You looked better before…younger."

"Thanks." Hutch said with a trace of sarcasm in his voice. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Do that because you've really let yourself go."

Hutch bit back an angry retort by reminding himself that arguing with Richard would most likely be like arguing with himself. And there was no fun in that. Sometimes he had argued with Starsky just to get a rise out of the brunet but thenStarsky had done the same thing to him. Sometimes people who overheard them had thought they were really fighting when actually, they were just playing around.

He missed the friendly, good-natured bickering that had been a big part of their relationship. He longed to have that back again. He wanted his partner back. He wanted the Starsky that he knew, not this stranger with his partner's face and voice.