Chap. 21:

"Lexi?"

Turning around at the sound of Keller's voice, Lexi grimaces and without saying anything turns back to the window and goes back to watching the stars streak by.

Letting out a sigh and coming to stand next to her at the window, noting with satisfaction that she still has the IV in at least, "you should still be in bed."

Glancing at Keller and then looking back out of the window, gripping the IV pole a little tighter, "I can't stay in the infirmary. It's too…"

Reaching over to gently squeeze her hand, "Lexi. Please. I know you're upset about losing the babies, but I need to keep an eye on you and I can't do that if you disappear on me."

Squeezing Keller's hand back, and turning slightly to face her, "will he blame me?"

Completely heartbroken at the misery she sees on Lexi's face, she pulls her into a hug and grimacing as she feels the tremors wracking Lexi's frame, "oh Lexi. There's no way he'll blame you. You didn't do anything wrong. No one did."

Burying her face in Keller's shoulder, letting the tears flow, "but if I…hadn't…"

Rubbing her back, and shaking her head, "no Lexi. Miscarriages happen and it's horrible that it did. But don't you dare blame yourself for this." and realizing that if she doesn't get Lexi lying down soon, she's gonna have an armful of unconscious psychiatrist on her hands, she grabs a hold of the IV pole and gently guides Lexi over to her bed.

As she helps Lexi lie down, "okay. I'll make you a deal."

Wiping her eyes and blearily blinking up at Keller, "what're…you…offering?"

Smirking a little at how much Lexi sounds like Sheppard, "if you promise to stay in bed for the next twenty four hours, then I'll let you stay here in your quarters."

Raising an eyebrow, "really?"

Covering Lexi with the blankets, "yes really. But I'm going to send Marie down to check on you every couple of hours and…"

Gripping Keller's arm hard, staring at her, fear coursing through her, "don't tell anyone. Promise me. I don't want anyone else to know!"

Pushing Lexi gently back against the pillows, looking her right in the eyes, she discreetly pulls out the syringe of sedative she had put in her lab coat pocket before coming to see Lexi, "Lexi, right now only you, Marie and I know that you lost the babies. I promise to keep it that way until you tell me otherwise." and uncapping the syringe, she inserts it in the IV port, pushing the plunger down, "now get some sleep. I'll send Marie by in a couple of hours."

Relaxing back into the pillows as the sedative starts to take effect, "don't tell John…don't tell…"

Frowning as she watches and hears the last couple of words that Lexi mumbles before the sedative finally pulls her under, Keller tucks her in again, and with one last look at her, she heads out of the quarters.

A few minutes later, she arrives back in sickbay just as Mr. Woolsey comes to alert her to the fact that she and her team will have to be ready at a moments notice. After he has left and she gets over the initial fear at what he has just told her, she gets her staff ready, and after letting Marie know that she'll be in charge of taking care of Lexi, and not to tell another soul about the loss of the twins, she heads into her office for a moment to collect her nerves, hoping against hope that everything will be okay.

xxxx

Two days later, after leaving the room where Todd is being kept, John resumes his search for Lexi, who he hasn't seen since before he left Pegasus to come back to defend Earth.

He's been searching for her in between taking care of everything that has needed taking care of after a battle the magnitude of the one they just fought and won, with no luck.

He's asked everyone on base and no one seems to have any idea where she is. He has tried hailing her on the radio and just as he reaches the exit to the balcony where he heard the voices of Woolsey, Beckett, Keller, Amelia and his team, he decides to try hailing her one more time, "Sheppard to Lexi. Please come in."

He hears some static and then releases a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding as her voice comes over the comm, "go ahead John."

Smiling to himself, "Lexi, where've you been. I've been searching everywhere for you."

"I'm sorry John. I was at the SGC. I needed to see Sam."

Feeling his gut tighten in worry as he can tell that something's not right by the tone of her voice, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing's really wrong."

Growling a little under his breath, "Lexi, please don't lie to me."

"John, it's okay. Really. But it's not something I can talk about over the radio. Just come see me in our quarters when you're done with whatever you're doing."

Bristling at the fact that she sounds as if he doesn't care about her, "fine. I'll see you in a few. Sheppard out." and taking a deep breath to calm himself down, he walks out onto the balcony, "oh, so this where everyone went, huh?"

He walks up to stand in between Ronon and Teyla and as he stares out at the Golden Gate bridge, he vaguely registers Keller and McKay talking. Just as McKay finishes speaking he absentmindedly throws out the comment, "nice view." and then goes back to thinking about the brief conversation he just had with Lexi and the fact that she wasn't there to welcome him back to Atlantis like she usually is.

He gets so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn't realize that everyone else has already headed back inside, until he feels a hand on his forearm. Glancing down at it he looks up to see Keller's concerned gaze on him, "oh hey, Jennifer."

Frowning at him, "John, are you okay?"

Matching her frown, and letting out a sigh, "to be honest, I'm a little tired."

Smirking at the fact that she finally got an honest answer out of him and it only took the almost annihilation of the world, "yeah, I can imagine. But that's not what I mean."

Leaning heavily against the railing, "yeah, I thought so." and sighing again, "I think Lexi's pissed at me for almost dying again and I know that when I left to come back to Earth, we were fine. But something's going on. I mean why would she need to go see Sam instead of being here when I got back? She's always here when I come back from a mission."

Matching his sigh, "John," and waiting until he is looking at her, "I can't tell you why she wasn't there when you got back. But right now, you need to find her and whatever happens, she's gonna need you to be there for her, even if she doesn't think that she needs you, and even if she pushes you away. Okay?"

Feeling that worry starting to claw at his insides again with every word that comes out of Keller's mouth, he pulls his arm from her grip and nodding his thanks to her, he hurries back into the city, making a bee line for their quarters.

Reaching their quarters in what seems like record time, he mentally opens the doors, and strides through them before they've even finished opening fully. Looking quickly around the room, he notes that the balcony door is open, and heads over to it.

As he steps through it, he immediately sees Lexi, leaning against the railing, her shoulders hunched and shaking, and as he gets closer to her, he sees that she's wearing one of his large hoodies and it's actually hanging loosely on her. Not letting the thoughts that are starting to swirl in his head stop him, he wraps his arms around her, noting that she's not as large as she was before he left, and as the reason for that hits him, he startles as she turns quickly in his arms and buries her face in his chest. He just barely makes out the, "I'm sorry, John." that she's hiccupping out through her sobs.

Completely shocked by everything, as it finally hits him why she's apologizing, he wraps his arms around her even tighter and for one of the only times he can ever remember, he let's the tears come without trying to stop them, following her down to sit on the floor as the emotions overwhelm them both.

AN: So, after polling readers, I got the feeling that angst was how you wanted me to go. That is partially why I chose to have them lose the twins. Also, it made sense to me, as in the final show, when they needed someone to fly the city, they called in Beckett. If Lexi had kept the twins, then she would have been the one to fly the city and since she is my creation and didn't actually exist in the show, I chose to go in this direction.

AN2: I'm sorry to leave this chapter on a bit of an abrupt halt, but I will be finishing this story soon. I promise. Probably one more chapter to wrap everything up.