Chapter XXI

Starfleet Medical

Earth

He loved watching her.

She was sitting on a chair, immersed in the PADD she held in one hand, her ever-present coffee in the other.

To anyone else watching, she would be the picture of emotionless concentration.

To him, the emotions danced across her face as whatever she was reading evoked them. One after the other.

She looked tired; a look he hadn't seen since their debriefings months before. He figured she had been holding vigil at his bedside; another one of the many unspoken agreements they had with each other.

Another agreement involuntarily came to mind, and he wondered when that particular one had silently and without fanfare, been mutually discarded.

Maybe it was the fact that he hadn't been alone with her like this for over a year. Or maybe it was his most recent brush with death that caused him to let go of some of his inhibitions. Maybe he was just damned tired of this game they played. But whatever it was, he found the murmurings of something familiar and long forgotten stirring within him.

Her nose winkled slightly, and he assumed she was trying to find an elusive solution to a complex problem.

He dared not move; for fear that she would become aware that he had regained consciousness, and then she would smile that lopsided smile of hers, and they would joke lightly about cheating death yet again. And then all too soon, their easy banter would be over, and she would disappear behind that damned command façade of hers.

No, he would keep her oblivious to the fact that he was awake for as long as possible, and savor the opportunity to see her in one of those rare moments he could watch her without her knowing.

"How long do you plan to just lie there and stare, Captain?"

Or maybe she knew all along.

"You're going to have to teach me how to do that." His voice sounded raspy from lack of use, and she quickly discarded PADD and coffee, in favor of a cup and straw.

"It's an old Janeway secret." Her lopsided smile appeared, on schedule, and he mentally started the countdown until she went into command mode. "I'll tell you, but I'll have to kill you."

"Then I'm at your mercy." He sipped the cool, soothing liquid. "Just make it quick; I'm tired of slow, agonizing deaths."

She rolled her eyes in amusement and he checked another item off his mental checklist.

"Drink." She placed the straw back on his lips. "You sound like you were in a shouting match with a Tholian."

"How long have I been out?" He watched her put the cup aside and turned back to position herself on the edge of his bed.

"About forty eight hours. The Doctor kept you sedated. How do you feel?"

He moved to sit up. "Just some bruising to my ego. I should have known about Jack."

She grasped his hand. "Chakotay. You had no way of knowing."

Chakotay was shaking his head. "I counted him as a friend, Kathryn. Either he was a brilliant actor or an evil twin."

The data she was just studying immediately came to mind. It was the security report from Voyager, which included the results of scans that showed trace evidence of Silver Blood. Janeway had immediately been notified and the entire investigation was deemed classified and reduced to that single PADD.

Kathryn squeezed his hand reassuringly. "I guess we'll never know."

"Kathryn…" He cleared his throat, looking down at their clasped hands. "…about our argument the other night…"

"Chakotay, its okay…" She started to interrupt him, but he stopped her.

He met her steady gaze then. "I need you to hear me out. Jack told me that you had nothing to do with me getting the position at the Academy."

She frowned. "He did?"

"Yes, at the Admiral's ball, after we argued, just before you…"

"Died?" That much she was told about that night. She made a mental note to read her duplicate's logs the next chance she got.

He nodded, a momentary chill running through him at the memory. "One minute I was sitting in my office, informing Admiral Shanthi that I had accepted the mission, the next, I wake up in a room, bound to a chair. Jack was the one who masterminded everything. He admitted as much to me when he held me in captivity." He gave her a meaningful look. "I'm so sorry Kathryn…I said some things to you…"

"I remember. You were indelicate, indiscreet, and entirely less than tactful…Sounds like anyone you know?" She cupped his cheek briefly with her free hand and the smile returned. "We both said 'some things'. Truce?"

How did she do it? How did she make those feelings he was sure he had purged ages ago suddenly rise to the surface. He had expended a lot of time and energy over the years putting his feelings for her aside. Now, just one look, one smile, one word, and he found himself wanting. She was here, now and they were alone, and it had been a long time since he came face to face with these emotions and it made this situation too unpredictable, too unsettling…

They locked eyes, and she didn't move as his hand came up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. It had been a long time since she came face to face with these emotions and she was surprised she still felt this way. This was both familiar and forbidden territory, and one of them needed to come to their senses. Fast. He was close, too close, and what she saw in his eyes made this situation too unpredictable, too unsettling…

"Ah, I see you're back with us, Captain." The Doctor breezed into the room. He paused, tricorder in hand, acutely aware now that he had walked in on something. "Or I could come back…"

Kathryn broke his gaze first. Sliding off the bed, she released Chakotay's hand. "Its fine, Doctor. I should go check on Carrie anyway…"

"No need." He waved the tricorder over his patient. "She checked herself out over an hour ago. She said that she wanted to return to the Nara to look over Mr. Kim's scans."

"How is she?" Chakotay enquired. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kathryn flinch slightly. Curious.

"She's fully recovered, thanks to my exceptional care." The Doctor closed his tricorder. "I'm declaring you fit, Captain, but I would like you to remain overnight for observation." He turned toward Janeway. "Admiral, my records show that you're almost due for your annual physical. Since you're already here…"

Her glare stopped him short.

"Or maybe some other time, when you can squeeze me into your schedule." Chakotay watched with barely concealed amusement when The Doctor backed away slowly as he spoke, until he disappeared through the doors.

His chuckle made Janeway look around. "What?"

"He should be immune to your glares by now." Chakotay pointed out. "I thought he would have put up more of a fight."

"I think he secretly enjoys torturing me with those physicals." She complained as she return to her seat on his bed, their earlier tension already fading. "But his focus has shifted to Carrie for now. She's been fighting him tooth and nail."

That sounded familiar. He thought, and the memory of Jack's words came rushing back.

"Kathryn, Jack said some things about Carrie that you should…"

"She did manage to escape his watchful eye long enough to visit you…" She joked nervously, interrupting what he had to say. This was the conversation she had been dreading and was not completely certain she should be having with him. "…would you believe? She used some tired old excuse that I needed a coffee break, but I get the feeling she wanted to make sure that you were ok."

"Kathryn…"

The tension was back, and she abruptly pulled away from him, and her command façade snapped into place.

Their little game was over.

"I know she's from the future, Chakotay." She was pacing now, her hands fisted at her side. "And as I told The Doctor, we have to consider the temporal directive."

"Fair enough." He watched her as she paced. "But don't you think that Carrie shot that particular directive to hell when she returned to our timeline?"

"Chakotay, don't you see?" She stood, facing him now. "The less we know the better. Jack has done enough damage to the timeline as is. I'm not about to go tinkering with temporal mechanics again. Even talking about it is giving me a headache. I've learned my lesson. We're not discussing this."

He knew then that she had made up her mind. "Okay, but on one condition."

Her hand rose to her hip. "What's that?"

"That you stop pacing and sit down, you're making me dizzy." He deadpanned.

She sighed, retaking her seat. "How are you, really? We haven't really talked since the welcome home ball. And even then it wasn't really a conversation. You've been through a lot since. Especially this last week."

He tugged at his ear. "It's hard to believe that it's only been a week since the Admiral's ball. With everything that's happened, it feels longer."

She gave him a pointed look; he was avoiding her question.

He relented. "I'm fine Kathryn. Our estrangement aside, I've had to make a lot of…adjustments."

There was so much he wanted to share with her; but he sensed that their already precarious relationship precluded any such discussion. Particularly when a significant part of it included Seven.

It was then he realized that he had never really discussed Seven with her. Surely by now she would be aware of their fledgling relationship; B'Elanna had been extremely vocal and he was sure she would have shared her…concerns with Kathryn.

"Harry said that Seven is still off world…he's been trying to reach her, but apparently she's out of COMM range." She settled herself more comfortably next to him. When she noticed his expression, she shrugged. "Chakotay, I'm not blind; I saw all the signs. I've known about you and Seven almost from the beginning. The future Admiral Janeway simply confirmed it for me when she came aboard."

He stared at her in shock. Was she reading his mind now? "So you've known all along? And you never said anything?"

"It wasn't my place." He started to object, but she held up her hand. "You know how it is on a ship as small as Voyager. Besides we weren't really the best of friends coming down to the end there were we?"

He had to admit, she was right. While their command relationship endured, their friendship, and something else that would remain nameless, did not survive their seven year trip.

"I guess not." He eventually admitted. "But for what it's worth, it would have been nice to have someone to discuss it with."

"And my door was always open." She patted his hand lightly. "With no ship's counselor to speak of, we had to be there for each other, regardless."

"I wish I had known that then."

"Known what?"

Both turned to see Carrie standing at the door, an inquisitive smirk on her face.

Chakotay's curiosity grew when felt Kathryn tense beside him. She stood up to address Carrie, the smile on her face belying her true emotions. "Nothing that concerns you, Lieutenant. How are you feeling?"

"The truth? Like I've gone ten rounds with a Targ. But please don't tell The Doctor."

"Your secret is safe with me." Kathryn patted her shoulder lightly.

Both women turned toward Chakotay, who had witnessed their exchange in silence. It was all he could do not to gasp aloud at the similarities between them. Save the dark hair, Carrie looked just like her mother.

Unexpected feelings of regret washed over him. Not to mention envy at the man lucky enough to be the father of Kathryn's child.

"I'm going to check in with the Nara." Kathryn announced. "I'll be just a minute."

"Carrie can keep me company till you get back." Chakotay grinned mischievously, knowing that she was going to do more than just communicate with the ship. "Enjoy your coffee."

"Take your time, Admiral." Carrie smiled at Janeway's mock glare toward Chakotay. "I'll keep him out of trouble."

Janeway nodded and moved toward the exit. When the doors triggered open, she took one last look in their direction. Carrie was perched on the edge of the bed where she was sitting earlier, and by the way Chakotay was grinning, she was obviously saying something to make him laugh.

She took a deep breath. It was all he could do not to gasp aloud at the similarities between them. Save the blue eyes, Carrie looked just like her father.

As the doors to the room slid shut behind her, unexpected feelings of regret washed over her. Not to mention envy at the woman lucky enough to be the mother of Chakotay's child.

"Janeway to the Nara." She tapped her COMM badge, shaking her head to clear her thoughts.

"Kim here, Admiral."

"Harry, I need you to run a sensor check on transporter signals originating from Chakotay's office at Oxford the night of the attacks. I have a theory."

"Aye, Admiral. Give me thirty minutes."

"Thanks Harry. Janeway out."

"Hello Kathryn."

She whirled around at the sound of the familiar voice. "Marshall? Are you alright? Is someone…"

"I'm fine, no one is hurt. I ran into Commander Paris at the Zife debriefing. He told me I'd find you here. Is Captain Chakotay…?"

"He's fine. The Doctor's discharging him tomorrow."

"That's good news."

Their words were stilted, completely opposite to their usual easygoing banter. He couldn't remember a time when they were ever like this.

"Congratulations on your new position." She offered, completely aware of the tension. "Chief of Staff to President Bacco. How is Nan handling it?"

"Like she was born to be Federation President. It was a good choice."

"Any regrets?"

"That I didn't take the position? Not for a second. It's not my time." He moved closer to her, taking her hands in his. "Kathryn, we need to talk."

"Marshall, I don't think…"

"Then, don't…think." He squeezed her hands. "No pressure. Just meet me for dinner at Space Café later."

"I can't Marshall. I'm sorry."

He released her hands. Holding them up in surrender, he took a step back from her. "I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have come. I just…I miss you. And I didn't know how much until you were no longer around. I just wanted you to know that."

He walked away from her slowly and she took one last look at him before returning to Chakotay's room.

They didn't notice her enter, and Kathryn took the opportunity to watch them interact with each other. Chakotay was telling her one of his stories and she was listening intently.

What was she doing? She thought. This was right. She had to let the future happen the way it was supposed to.

She fidgeted slightly, and her movement caught Chakotay's eye.

"Are you back already? Where's your coffee?" His smile faded slightly when he saw the look on her face. He knew that look. He'd seen it only once before. The day they left New Earth.

And it scared the hell out of him.

"I…I forgot." She clenched her fists to cover the fact that her hands were shaking slightly.

"Admiral? Carrie was walking toward her. Are you alright?"

"Of course." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Just a slight headache." She reassured her as best she could, relieved when Carrie seemed to accept her excuse. "I'll be right back."

Chakotay watched her leave the room, wishing with everything within him that he had stopped her. Not that it would have worked.

"Maybe I should check on her." Carrie looked toward the doors.

"No. She'll be fine." He lied. "She really hates it when she forgets to get the coffee."

In his heart, he knew that wasn't true.

"Marshall, wait."

He was standing at the turbolift with his head bowed. He looked up when he heard her.

She was moving resolutely toward him and he knew she had made some monumental decision but he was afraid to hazard a guess.

"Space Café. One week from tonight, when I get back from Proxima."