(Author's note: Sorry this one took me so long, it was a hard one to write. There's no Edward in this chapter, or for a while just to warn you but these are very important dramatic chapters involving Bella and Alice. :) I hope you enjoy, and please remember to review :D xx)
Bella
Who did this bitch think she was? I was paying her a lot of money and for what? 1 hour of being told I'm a fucked up, psychotic whore-bag with no prospects in life! Fucking bitch. I was not talking to her again! No matter what Esme or Alice said, this was dumb!
"Bella it's your first time meeting with her, give it at least another session...your just being typical Bells. Knock that wall down and you'll be fine" Alice said on our way to school. It was the first day back after the summer from hell and I was not looking forward to being the centre of gossip, taunts and lame crude remarks!
"Don't go all philosophical on me now! Knock my wall down? I mean seriously...there's no wall!" I said angrily.
"You know what I mean Bella! Don't act like your a dumb ass because your not! You do this with people. Whenever someone gets close to you, close to knowing all your shit, you freak out and completely hate on them as if they killed your dog or something! You even did it with me right after you told me what had happened that summer. You would scream at me for the most insignificant thing, like you hated me, it was a nightmare trying to stay friends with you. You do it with everyone Bells and you can't see it. It's not that, that person is an ass hole or a bitch it's because they know too much about you, and your afraid they will do something that could potentially hurt you! Like breaking your trust. But this woman can't do that. You just have to give it a chance, wait it out" I huffed at her remarks. I hated it when someone was right and I was wrong. It made me think about the way I'd been towards Edward, hitting out at him, and getting into horrible fights and all because he knew too much. How could he ever love me for doing that to him? I got a horrible feeling wash over me as I thought about seeing him today. Alice pulled into the school car-park and my heart started pounding.
"It'll be all right" She promised, as she could see the panic in my face.
"I just feel like ditching today!" I said, desperately wanting to run from this nightmare.
"It's better to bite the bullet now than to let it get any worse! You know if you leave it, it'll only get harder to come back. Come on you'll be fine! You have me and Jasper, and Angela and Ben as well now" She smiled, climbing out of the car and walking round to open my door. I stepped out and took a deep breath, hiding my face in my oversized hoodie. I tried to focus my gaze on the floor just like Alice had said but it was difficult to resist looking. Every single face who had once followed my every word, and dare not cross me, now glared at me, laughing and pointing. I could hear their whispers and I felt their eyes burn into to me as they looked me up and down pleased with themselves that they could freely treat me like dirt.
"Everybody is staring and whispering" I whispered to Alice as I felt my cheeks burn red.
"Pay no attention! It gets easier I promise" She ensured me, linking arms with me. I guess she knew what she was talking about since this was the exact treatment she received after she switched tables to Jasper's. As we entered the school the glares and whispering got worse.
"How can she even show her face here" one girl said.
"Pathetic, look at the state of her!" Another girl said.
"Look at that! It's Alice and her pile of garbage!" Jane scorned, grinning slyly at me. As much as I disliked her, I pitied her. One day this would happen to her. Queen never lasted very long on the throne!
"Just keep breathing you'll be ok" Alice kept reassuring me.
"Was it like this for you?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"Yes" She muttered. I felt so guilty. How could I even call myself a friend to her after the way I'd treated her.
"I have a lot of making up to do" I said.
"You going back to that counsellor is enough of making it up to me! Seeing you get better, that's all I want" She smiled. I smiled back and sighed in defeat. I would have to go back now.
Lunch time came around and I sat nervously picking at a packet of mini cookies, my eyes shifting across the cafeteria, as Alice, Jasper, Angela and Ben were deep into conversation.
"What do you reckon Bella?" Angela asked bringing me back to life.
"What?" I asked, completely unaware of what they had been discussing. Angela smiled nervously and turned back to Ben and Jasper. I could see Alice staring at me, scrutinising my face.
"He's not here" She said simply, as if to answer a question I hadn't asked.
"Who...what...I didn't say"
"You didn't have to! I know you well hun"
"Where is he then?"
"I don't know. Jasper spoke to Carlisle the other day...he's not doing so good apparently so I think he's staying off school for the time being. Can't say I'm surprised, it must be hard for them all with Emmett being in hospital"
"Yeah I guess..." I bemused, feeling half relieved he wasn't in school and the other half was sort of disappointed. I hadn't seen him since the funeral, and that awful conversation we had. I missed him so much, but I knew I wasn't good for him.
"Doing the right thing sucks!" I said out loud.
"I can't argue that!" Alice agreed shoving a spoonful of salad into her mouth.
Alice
I tried to be as supportive as possible towards Bella, but it was quite difficult with having so much on my mind. I drove Bella home, and then drove to see my doctor, Carlisle. Jasper had pushed me to go ever since I started having trouble with my stomach.
"Alice Brandon to see Dr Cullen please" I said at the desk, as the stern receptionist pushed her rather large specs back and pinched her face together.
"Take a seat, the doctor will call you when he's ready" She said in such a monotone voice. I sat down in a busy room full of coughing, spitting, groaning and hissing people. I covered my mouth with my hand, desperate not to catch anything else besides whatever this was! I watched as a mothers child ran around the play room screaming, and throwing the toys at the walls. The mother yelled at the child to stop playing up and behave but the child just didn't listen. It then occurred to me the symptoms I had...vomiting in the mornings, sometimes till lunch. Missed period, constant tiredness and dizziness...weird pattens in my appetite. It all made sense now. I was...p...pre...oh...my....
"Miss Brandon" Carlisle called, waking me from my train of thought. I swallowed hard, trying to push my sudden rush of panic deep down until I knew for sure I was right. I followed him into his office and sat down opposite as he smiled at me. "Nice to see you again Alice! How are you doing?" He asked, informally.
"I'm...ok" I said not really believing the words as the came out.
"Before we get to the problem I just want to make you aware of something. Unfortunately I'm going to have to refer you to another doctor...of course I'll deal with this problem right now and then I will have to let you go. It's just because...well with me being...seeing your mother it kind of makes it unethical for me to be your doctor. Of course if you need to you can come to me at home or in the hospital any time, but I won't be able to be your official doctor" He said as nicely as he could put it. I knew he was dating my mother, in fact the whole damn world knew he was. It was kind of weird, and also a little creepy but he was a nice man and I knew he'd treat my mother right.
"Ok...that's fine" I said smiling confidently, but secretly panicking. If I was pregnant, and he knew...and them my mother...oh god! OH GOD!!
"So...what's the problem?"
"Well..." I started reluctantly. I told him everything as he sat taking it all in, with his serious 'doctor' face. And then he sat forward, resting his chin on his hands.
"It could be a virus...or possibly something like gastritis, but I will have to run some tests to be sure. Can you make it to the hospital on Friday afternoon? I will be on call, so I can do some tests then if that's ok?"
"Yes that's fine" I said praying to god it really was just a simple virus or something. I couldn't have a bab...well I just couldn't!
"Ok good" He said taking an appointment card and jotting down the date and time. "Just check in at the main reception and they will send you to the right department. In the mean time drink plenty of water, try and stay away from acid foods, like spicy foods, fizzy drinks, sweets etc, and if you have any discomfort or pain please come back straight away. Before you go though could you pop on the bed, I best just do a quick examination just to rule out anything like appendicitis. I'm sure its not but just to be sure" He said. I happily agreed, and popped on the bed as he poked and prodded at my stomach. "That's fine then" He smiled. "I shall see you Friday" And then I left, feeling disappointed that it hadn't been appendicitis! At least then I wouldn't have a death sentence hanging over me from my mother!
"Everything all right at the doctor's?" Jasper asked as I drove to meet him at his house.
"Yes" I lied, smiling as confidently as I could. "He wants to see me again on Friday, but he said it's probably a minor virus so nothing to worry about!" I beamed.
"Oh that's good" He said looking relieved, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me in for a kiss. As his warm, moist lips brushed mine he quickly pulled back and pulled his face. "Ugh I forgot...you may have a virus" He said half jokingly. I hit his arm as he bawled into laughed and grabbed his hair, pulling him in for the kiss he was teasing me with! It was funny how one kiss from him and all my troubles and worries disappeared like dust to the wind!
Bella
"Nice to see you again Bella" The counsellor woman said, smiling a little too condescending for my liking.
"Mmm" I hummed, piercing my face as I shifted in the purposefully built large chair that you sank into, making it difficult to get up again!
"So what's been going on since the last time we spoke then?" She asked, clicking her pen and pulling her pad of paper close to her, ready to write down every word I say.
"Nothing much" I answered vaguely, staring at the paintings she had on her wall which were all black and white. "You need some colour in this room" I said out loud, without meaning to.
"What makes you say that?"
"Just...it's boring you know? Depressing!"
"Black and white makes you depressed?" She asked, in her shrink voice. God I hated when shrinks took everything you say and over-analysed it like you can't just make a simple comment on the colour of the room without being some crazy, nut job!
"No! I just think it says a lot about you..." I scorned, a little too defensively.
"You don't like counsellor's very much do you?" She asked, furrowing her brow.
"I never said that!" She noted my tone of voice and began writing something down. Bitch!
"Just something I've noticed...that's all. Listen Bella...I've had two sessions with you now and each time you tell me your fine, nothings wrong, and then you scowl at me...like your doing now. I don't want to seem like I'm being pushy, I know this might be difficult for you, but I also don't want to waste your money...if I'm not able to help you that is! Maybe you want to see someone else? Someone you might feel more able to trust? I can see that your uncomfortable, and I wouldn't want to make you worse. Tell me Bella...do you want to really be here?" She asked, scrutinising my face. I looked at the ground, fiddling my fingers together, as I thought about that question. I didn't want to be here, but I knew I needed to be and that I would let so many people down. I wanted to get better, I really did! Not just for myself and for my dad and Alice, but for Edward. Because I did want to work things out with him, I loved him...so much! And as long as I was this way I couldn't be with him!
"I want to...change...get better, but I just don't know how. Can you tell me how?" I asked, hoping she had some miracle cure in the form of a hot drink or something.
"By talking. I know it's difficult. It can be hard to let a stranger in to your life...but I assure you everything said in here is completely confidential...unless I feel your a danger to yourself or any other person, nothing you discuss will leave this room. Like I said if you feel maybe another person would be more beneficial? Maybe I'm not the right person. But that's entirely up to you. You can only talk to someone you feel comfortable with" She informed me. I sighed disappointed. No miracle cure! I had to open up.
"No...it's ok...I'll talk to you" I said through gritted teeth.
"Ok...well how about we start somewhere easy. Why don't you tell me how you've been feeling?" She asked. That wasn't really an easy question for me, but I bit my tongue and started to talk. I told her about my mood swings. How easy it was for me to switch from being fine to suddenly raging with anger, and even acting out violently. I told her about my substance abuse, and how even though I thought it wasn't out of control, others around me did. I told her about my mother, about Phil, about how I felt abandoned in my time of need, and thereafter hated letting anyone get too close to me because I was afraid. She listened intently, nodded occasionally, wrote down on her pad regularly and then the conversation fell silent.
"From everything you have just described to me, it sounds as if you had a very traumatic childhood" She said, looking sympathetic towards me.
"Yes...I guess it was" I said, feeling as though I might start crying.
"It must have been very difficult for you...not having anyone there for you!"
"Well I had Alice"
"True, but she was only young herself. I can see where you get your fears of abandonment from, and also separation anxiety"
"What does that mean? I'm anxious about separation?" I said, laughing it off like it was some joke. She looked up at me seriously.
"Bella from what you've told me, it looks as if you have what is commonly known as Emotionally unstable personality disorder. Now don't get upset with this, it is treatable" She said. My heart starting skipping beats. Emotionally unstable? Really. So I was a nut-job after all! Tears started to fall from my eyes, as I tried to hide my face.
"What does that mean?" I asked, kind of already knowing what it meant. It kind of spoke for itself really!
"Well with EUPD there are two kinds. The impulsive type, and the borderline type. In your case I believe you have both kinds. They both share similar characteristics. For example, A marked tendency to act impulsively without considering the consequences of these actions, for example engaging in unprotected sex or substance abuse. In your case this would be the impulsive drug use, with your friends, mainly with Edward. The sort of routine you picked up together, and the impulsive unprotected sex. The second characteristic they share is an inability to plan ahead, coupled with a lack of self control and outbursts of intense anger, which can lead to violence and other extreme behaviour, especially if impulsive acts are challenged or prevented by people around them. In your case this would be the extreme outbursts of violence towards your boyfriend, mainly when you are challenged in some way by him. I believe you fall mostly under the borderline characteristics. Emotionally Unstable (Borderline) Personality Disorder is a condition characterized by impulsive actions, rapidly shifting moods (your anger), and chaotic relationships (with Edward, and then again with your friends). The individual usually goes from one emotional crisis to another. Often there is dependency (dependent on a relationship or friend, for example in you case this would be Edward and Alice), separation anxiety (fear of being separated from someone you love and care about), unstable self-image, chronic feelings of emptiness, and threats of self-harm (suicide or self-mutilation). Very stressful or chaotic childhoods can be the cause of this disorder, for example physical and sexual abuse (in your case Phil), neglect (from your mother), hostile conflict, and early parental loss or separation. Other disorders such as Mood disorders, Substance-Related Disorders, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, and other Personality Disorders frequently co-occur with this disorder. I believe this is the case with you. You shouldn't be alarmed though, it is treatable. EUPD is usually common with young adults, and tends to, by itself usually, ware out with age. But by talking through some of these problems we can work together and help you overcome your demons. I would like to see you once a week, for a two hour appointment. I'd also like to get you enrolled in some anger management courses, since that is quite a serious problem, as it not only affects you but others too. Is this all right with you?"
"Anger management...is that like hitting rubber balloons and stuff?" She giggled a little.
"Not exactly! You'll work with a highly trained professional who will tackle the anger issues, and help you learn to control it, to stop any violent outbursts"
"Ok" I said feeling a little crappy and empty. Everything she had just said and shot me into complete shock. I mean I knew I had problems, but I didn't think they were that serious.
"You look upset, are you ok" She asked concerned.
"It's just a lot to take in!"
"I know! But it will get easier for you, and I promise with my help you can overcome it and live a healthy normal life again"
"W-will I be able to have a normal...relationship again? With Edward I mean?" I asked, tiptoeing around the subject.
"Yes! You will be able to have normal healthy relationships as well...but...well I am concerned about Edward. He sounds to me like he has some problems of his own...and that could be quite damaging to your recovery. It would be best to avoid contact with him right now, until your fully better, and then maybe look to see if you can both make it work. But honestly...I think he needs help himself" I would stand up right now and wack her across the face, if I didn't know that everything she had just said was so right. It just wasn't what I wanted to hear. To even contemplate anything could be wrong with Edward hurt me! And as much as I resisted help, there was no way anyone could get through to him, and make him get help himself! Not even me! How could this ever work out?