Far Away Flame

by Robsmyyummy Cabanaboy

Their story plays in her mind like a kaleidoscope of bittersweet moments in time. Years later, when Bella finally finds the courage to go after what she's always wanted, will it be too late?

21. Chapter 21

(+)(+)(+) Far Away Flame (+)(+)(+)

BPOV

Airports at the crack of dawn are unnaturally creepy. I'm one zombie away from starring in the season two premiere of The Walking Dead.

I dig my phone out of my purse to call Edward, rolling my eyes at the moving sidewalk which isn't even moving. Helpful.

"Hey," he sighs, his groggy morning voice soothing my exhausted and panicked heart. "You're on the ground?"

"Yeah, booking over to the rental car kiosks. Whichever desk is open at this ungodly hour is the one that's getting my money."

"Any word from Jasper?"

"He left a message around four my time, saying he and Alice made it past Columbia, South Carolina." I pass the Dunkin Donut's storefront and my stomach rumbles. God, those bagels and coffee smell divine.

"Okay, any more from your mom?"

"No. I'm hoping that no news is good news."

"Good thinking. I'm sure if something had changed she would've at least contacted your brother."

I follow the arrows that lead toward the rental car stations. Spotting a woman behind the Avis counter, I head her way. "Okay, you get back to sleep. I'm sorry I'm waking you less than an hour before you would've gotten up. I should've waited to call."

"Stop. And I didn't even bother with my bed; crashed on the couch. Couldn't sleep anyway, worried about you, your dad . . ." he trails off.

"Thank you." My eyes fill with tears. "I'll uhhh—I'll call you later today with an update, okay?"

"Okay."

I'm not ready to hang up with him. "Edward, I—"

"I miss you." He gets to it before I swallow back the tears impeding my words.

My nod follows my sad smile. "I miss you, too."

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.

By the time I get a rental car and drive over to the hospital in Jersey, breakfast is being delivered to patients on the same floor as my father. I peek in, finding my mom asleep in the armchair next to my dad in his bed; he's also knocked out.

I walk slowly into the room, studying both of them. There are wires everywhere. Machines hiss and bleep, telling the current physiological condition of Dad's life. I refuse to believe that this is the conclusion of his story, though. A chapter, maybe, but these machines can only transcribe so much. If there were a device that could measure emotions, the love one feels for others and what's received in return, well, I suppose those numbers would be off the charts for my father. For my whole family, really. The relationship I've been privileged to witness between my parents for the last thirty-six years is more of a lesson in love than any computer could document.

Charles and Renee Swan are each other's partner in every sense of the word. For as long as I can remember, they never shied away from showing each other affection, even when my brother and I were around. As teenagers we'd tell them we were skeeved out by their lovey-dovey ways; they didn't pay us any mind, though.

I suppose some parents tend to keep outward displays of love and intimacy to themselves, especially in front of their kids. Not my parents. Mine always held hands, gave each other kisses and hugs, held each other after a long day, and it never mattered who was around. "How do you think you got here?" Dad would tease. "There's gotta be something more there, you two. It's wonderful to have children, but kids grow up and leave, you know?" I can hear my father's voice perfectly from all those years ago. "Your husband or your wife is there with you after everyone else is gone. In sickness and in health, they're the ones by your side no matter what happens . . . remember that." He'd wag his finger at us. "You have to have something more in common than just your children. Find someone who you want next to you to celebrate the good times with, but who will do their best to hold your hand during the sad and scary stuff, too. You can't help what happens in life . . . finding the right partner to take that journey with is one of the only things you can control, so make it count."

I wipe the tear trailing down my cheek and quietly thank the nurse for delivering a fresh pitcher of water and cups for my parents. I don't want to wake either of them. Lord knows how much sleep they got between tests and hospital staff parading in and out, to say nothing of their anxiety levels since yesterday's turmoil.

I sit at the foot of the unoccupied hospital bed and text Jasper that I arrived. Just as I hit send, there's a knock on the door.

"Good morning, folks."

My mother's eyes flutter and she sits up straight, turning toward the voice but then leaping up once she realizes I'm in the room as well.

"Good morning . . . oh, Bella!" She rushes over and grips me tightly. "Thank God you're here." When she pulls back her eyes are glassy like mine. "Sweetie, this is Dr. Brennan, the cardiologist."

"Liam Brennan, nice to meet you." The doctor looks like Prince Harry's doppelganger; the only thing missing is the accent.

"You too." After shaking his hand, I move toward the head of my dad's bed. "Hey, Daddy," I whisper, tightening my hand around his fingers. His responding exhausted smile is enough for now.

"How're you feeling, sir?" Dr. Brennan directs toward Dad. "Looks like you had a good night."

My father nods while my mother wrings her hands, looking like she's studying every breath my dad takes and ready to hang onto every word his doctor speaks.

"So, though I'm pleased with the results from last night's thrombolysis, the angiogram tells a more precarious story. I'd recommend we go ahead with the bypass surgery today. There's significant narrowing of your left coronary artery, which puts you at a major risk for future heart attacks."

My stomach coils as my mother whimpers.

"I see two major blockages at this point, but once we get in there, I'll make the final decision on how many grafts we'll need to do."

"Isn't that a little aggressive?" Mom questions, her cheeks flushed.

He leans back against the wardrobe. His thoughtful look settles my nerves that he's not a "cut first, look into other options later" type of doctor. "Well, in this case I'd consider it proactive. At sixty-two, you're still on the younger side, and you don't have any other serious medical conditions that would add extra complications or risks."

My phone buzzes in my back pocket; I glance at the screen and see it's my brother.

"Jazz, hang on, the cardiologist is talking to us right now about Dad needing a bypass. I'll put you on speaker."

"Okay."

Dr. Brennan politely smiles and continues. "I'm concerned that with the occlusions I can see so far and the prolonged angina you've been experiencing, placing a stent would only be a Band-Aid. In the long run, the bypass will be more effective and decrease the chances that this'll happen again. Quality of life greatly increased in other patients after recovery. I believe it's an optimal solution, sir."

I focus on Dad, his Chief-of-Police face in full effect. He listens, absorbs, and turns to us. "Well, let's do it, Doc." He nods at my mother, encouraging her to cease with the pending inquisition, knowing she's ready to prolong this Q&A session 'til we're all old and gray. "See these pretty ladies over here? I've got a lot to live for."

"Hey, what about me?" Jasper shouts.

"Yeah, you're pretty too, kid."

While all of us chuckle, I shake my head. Dad perfected droll eons ago. Though I don't love the thought of him undergoing more cardiac procedures, I know it's the smartest choice. I'm sure Mom's feeling the same way; her face is paler than my legs in January. If we could change the situation, we would. But the course of action the doctor is recommending will have the safest outcome for Dad over time.

"So how long will that operation take?" Mom asks with a tremble to her voice.

"All in all, it should be between three and four hours. I have an excellent team working by my side. We'll be able to keep you updated throughout."

"You'll harvest veins from his leg, I assume?"

"Exactly." The doctor seems taken aback with me, almost impressed. "Do you have medical training?"

"I'm a social worker, but I did my grad student training at an acute care facility, setting up step-down facilities for my patients, many of them recovering from heart attacks and strokes, so I'm familiar with many of the procedures."

"Excellent. Sounds like you've got a live-in interpreter here, Mr. and Mrs. Swan. You're in good hands." Before he steps out of the room, Dr. Brennan grins, giving me a wink.

If this had been a week ago, I might've flirted right back, but instead I just reciprocate a kind smile, knowing I left my heart in Arizona.

A week.

I can't believe it's only been one week since I was in Florida and on the boat with Embry, learning a few details about Edward. The following six days became a whirlwind of highs and lows, taking me on a journey I only ever dreamed could happen. Edward and I came so far and then it all came to a screeching halt.

"Why the grimace, Bella?"

My mom's words snap me out of my pity party. "Nothing. Just glad that we have a plan for now." I turn to my father. "You're going to feel so much better, Dad, honestly. I remember patients I worked with saying the relief was almost instantaneous."

"So much for the Pepcid doing the trick," Mom scoffs. "I should've listened to you, sweetie. Meanwhile I let this one"—she jerks her head toward Dad— "talk me out of it and now here we all are."

"Sorry your trip to visit Edward got cut short, honey," Dad whispers. "Piss poor timing on my part."

I snort and push some of his hair off his forehead. "Yeah, if you could give me at least a thirty-day advance warning of any future medical emergencies, that would really help out."

"Uh, yeah, let's get that paperwork in triplicate," Jazz chimes in.

Dad makes a silly face at me, and I make one right back. Mom just clicks her tongue at our antics. We're trying to keep it light. I'm sure she knows that, but nerves are raw right now. I get it.

Grabbing my cell from the tray table, Mom switches gears. "How far away are you, Jasper?"

"We're almost in Richmond, Mom. Still looking at another five hours."

"Don't go nuts, kid," Dad says. "Just get you and Alice here in one piece."

"Yes, sir." Jasper's simple response is laced in fear. I hate hearing that in my brother's voice.

"Okay, Mr. Swan," Dr. Brennan interrupts, reentering the room. "We've got some paperwork for you to fill out and then my team'll begin prepping you for surgery." He then turns to my mother and me. "I'll have my nurse come out and talk to you after we complete each phase of the procedure. You can follow your husband to the surgical waiting room when we're ready to go."

Dad nods. "Renee, may I talk to Jasper?"

Mom passes Dad the phone and excuses herself to use the restroom. I leave his bedside to allow him some privacy to talk to my brother. The window in his room doesn't offer much of a view, just the roof of the medical building attached to this one. My vision blurs as my mind wanders.

God, how did we get here? We have answers and a course of action but I'm stricken with anxiety nonetheless. It's still open heart surgery and it's still my father. I can't fathom losing him.

He's Dad, our rock . . . the support beam we need in order for our house to remain standing. He's got to make it through this. There's just no other way.

Over the next fifteen minutes, we watch the medical team ready Dad for transport, moving machines, wires, and tubes this way and that. It all seems so robotic and unfeeling. But they're doing their job. It's impeccably choreographed, a well-oiled machine. I bet they've done it a thousand times.

But this time it's Dad. Don't they know how important this man is to us? Would it ensure his future better if they went slower? Asked more questions? Triple checked their actions?

I don't know. My thoughts are scattered; even I know I'm not making much sense, thinking in circles. This is too surreal and I hate it.

With three sets of glassy eyes among us, several kisses, tight hand-holds, and silent prayers later, we all exchange "see you laters." It's more palatable than a goodbye. Goodbye isn't an option. Not this day.

Mom and I follow the team up to the waiting room to sit, stare, and try not to climb the walls.

And we wait.

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.

Edward picks up on the first ring. "Hey you. What's the latest?"

"Almost out of surgery, but the doctors are pleased so far." My words are whispered, like if the universe hears them, it'll toss in a monkey wrench.

"Excellent. How's your mom holding up?"

"Strong enough on the outside before the surgery. Until we got an update a little while ago, she was a wreck. Knowing things are bad but could've been a hundred times worse is messing with her mind."

His responding deep sigh warms me, like he's got just as much to lose as the rest of us. I love that I know he cares that deeply, and it's not an act.

"I'm so glad you're there for her."

"Me too." Comfortable silence takes over for a few seconds. My fingernail carves a B into the Styrofoam cup on my lap. I take it a step further and add the plus sign and an E. It's not a tree in No-man's Land, but it'll do for now. There's so much I want to tell him about me, about him, about everything I'm feeling. But I know if we scratch at the wall and it sprouts a tiny leak, my dam of heightened emotions will burst right behind it and neither of us is in any position to handle that properly. "Well, I know you're busy at work. I just wanted to give you an update."

"No, I really appreciate it. I'm gonna call my parents and let them know. They've already called me twice this morning."

"They're awesome."

"You're awesome."

Somewhere between his awesome comment and my next breath, the tide of emotions comes raging out in a deluge."I don't feel awesome." I unsuccessfully choke back sobs while trying not to hyperventilate. "I feel like this year has gone from bad to worse to worst, but the flicker of hope in there is you and me, you know?" I inhale a shuddery breath, desperate to keep it together. "I'm so thankful my father's surgery is going well so far, and ultimately it'll make him so much healthier, but he's still not out of the woods yet. Anything could go wrong. Just when you think things might be looking up, BAM! Sucks to be you again!" I stop waving my hand around, trying to get calm. Thank goodness I'm alone in this waiting room or some passing nurse might be tempted to call the psych ward. "It'll be between a two to three-month recovery for him. I know my mom'll need help getting him resettled at home. I swear I'm ready to jump in and set him up with a trainer at the gym and clean out their fridge and pantry. But at the same time, all I want to do is be back there with you right now." I tear my fingers through my hair and fall into an arm chair. "It's a clusterfuck of emotions and none of them puts me in your arms and here helping my parents at the same time." I shake my head, dashing the tears of self-pity. "Makes me feel so, so guilty."

"Okay, okay . . . easy. One thing at a time."

Silence stretches while I take several breaths, embarrassed once more that Edward's got a front row seat witnessing my hysterics take over.

"We will figure this out, Bella. I promise."

"I know. I just . . . I'm—I'm—"

"You're exhausted. You've been up for almost twenty-four hours."

"There you are," Jasper appears in the doorway and more tears pour from my eyes. The instant relief at seeing my brother here is overwhelming. He wraps me up into a hug I desperately needed. "Who's on the phone?"

"Edward," I whisper.

"Hey, you go spend time with your brother. I'm glad he got there safe. Give him my best."

I step back from Jazz and wipe my cheeks, blowing out a hard breath. "Yeah, I should get back to my mother anyway. Told her I'd come back with coffee and took a detour to call you instead."

He chuckles. "It's okay, honestly. We'll catch up later."

"All right"—I nod— "thank you . . . for listening. For being there yet again."

"If I can't physically hold you, hearing your voice—no matter what the reason—is the only thing I'd rather be doing."

His words have the ability to make me soar. "Bye."

"Bye."

I pocket my phone and hug Jasper again. "I'm so glad you're here. Did you see Mom yet?"

"Yeah, first we went to the floor where Dad had been earlier, looking for directions. The nurses sent us up to the surgical waiting room. We were there for a little while, and then I came looking for you. Alice stayed back with Mom." He cocks his head, rubbing my back. "Everything all right?"

I sit down, leaning forward over my legs with my head hanging down. "I'm just emotionally spent. Nerves are raw, heart and mind are all over the place . . . feels like the wheels are coming off."

His right hand massages my neck. "I get it. It's a hell of a lot to take in, but even though it's a longer road than we hoped, it sounds like Dad's gonna be fine."

I rub my hands over my face, pausing at my mouth. "Mom's gonna need help. I think I need to stay here for a while."

Jasper readjusts the band for his watch. "Did you get any bites on the resumes you sent out?"

"Two. They want me to come in for interviews as soon as possible."

"Well, if it happened fast for you in Florida, I'm sure it can happen fast in Jersey, too." He leans forward to mirror my position, catching my gaze.

I nod, not voicing my extra concerns about Edward and me. Where will we fit into all of this? It's selfish to even say it out loud. My self-loathing is off the charts today and I hate it. I'm not usually a bitter person, but my roller coaster of emotions is reaching new heights today.

"Hey." Jasper taps his shoe against mine. "Edward's waited thirty years, right?"

I smile and huff, my eyelids closing slowly. My brother knows me so well.

"He'd wait thirty more if you needed him to." He wraps his arm around my shoulder, giving me a couple of tugs. "I get the feeling he's not going anywhere unless it's with you."

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.

"Well, there's a creepy lookin' mug," Jasper teases, pushing off the radiator in the hospital room and sidling up to my father's bed. "How're you feeling, rock star?"

Dad clears his throat. "Like somebody ran me down. Feel like I could sleep for days." His voice is incredibly weak; he shouldn't even be talking. His eyes are closed but his weary smile has us all breathing a collective sigh of relief. "Glad you're here, kiddo." He cracks one eye open. "Alice, thanks for keeping him company. Sorry I'm not wearing my Sunday best."

Alice steps forward, waving Dad off. "Nothing I haven't seen before in my line of work." She smiles and winks. "Glad you're feeling better, though."

"Yeah, it wasn't easy keeping me calm for over sixteen hours," Jasper says, snorting. "She deserves a medal."

Alice scoffs, smacking at my brother's hand.

"So, the doctor said the surgery went well," I chime in.

"Triple bypass, Charles," Mom scolds him, like he could've predicted the severity of the blockages.

"You'll be here in the ICU until tomorrow, but then you've bought yourself a room in the step-down unit for the rest of the week," I add, trying to diffuse the tension. "They'll be sending you home with orders for physical therapy, all sorts of new, fun pills—"

"And a new lifestyle!" Mom chimes in, half-enthusiastic, the other half fueled by the anxiety that she came so close to losing Dad.

The charge nurse peeks her head around the curtain. "Hey, folks. Now that he's awake, we need to stick with the rules. One visitor at a time. Sorry."

"What time is it?" Dad mumbles, his eyes closing again.

"It's almost seven, Sleeping Beauty. You took your sweet time coming out of that anesthesia."

Alice and I take turns whacking my obnoxious brother; even Dad manages to make a fist and shake it in his direction.

"Have any of you eaten?" Shelly, Dad's nurse asks, while taking his temperature.

"No," our chorus replies in unison, followed by some giggles.

"Our cafeteria's open for another ninety minutes." Shelly's encouraging tone pushes us to gather our things to head out.

Mom kisses Dad, telling him she'll be back soon.

"I'll see you in the morning, Daddy," I say softly. "Get some rest. Love you."

He nods with a smile.

"Visiting hours last until when up here?" Jazz asks as we all walk out together.

"Nine."

"Okay, well let's grab something to eat downstairs and then come back here again before we head home."

I shake my head, whispering to Jasper and Alice. "I'm not hungry."

Mom blows her nose into the tissue she just used to swipe at her eyes, adding, "No overnight visitors in the ICU, but I can stay with him when he's transferred back to his other room."

"Yeah, we all need to sleep in beds tonight. But you"—Jasper turns to me, wagging his finger— "you go home before you collapse. You've had no sleep at all. At least the rest of us catnapped in the last twenty-four hours."

I don't put up much of a fight. After kissing them goodbye, I promise to leave the living room light on for them before I pass out for the night.

Out in the car, I call Rosalie to update her on the latest, but it goes to voicemail. I leave a detailed message, assuming she and I can catch up in the next day or two. It's so comforting to know that my best friend is living down the road from my parents again. She and Emmett moved back to their hometown a couple of years ago; they wanted to raise their kids where we all grew up. I can understand the draw. The communities that make up the Pine Barrens in southern New Jersey embody a bubble of timeless, small-town appeal but they're close enough to bigger cities that you don't feel like you're completely out of touch with the real world.

When my phone rings a few seconds later, I assume it's Rose calling me back, but it's Edward.

"Hi there."

"Hey. Is it a bad time?"

"Not at all. I just left the hospital, actually. Dad's recovering in the ICU, and Jasper is taking Mom and Alice to the cafeteria before they shut down for the night. They'll be home after visiting hours end."

"Oh, okay. Well, just call me when you get home. I want to hear the latest on your dad and talk to you about the meeting with my clinical supervisor."

I click my tongue and scoff. "I can't believe I forgot to ask you earlier how it all went."

"Bella, cut yourself some slack. You were more than a little preoccupied. But listen, just get home safely and we'll talk then."

"I will." I'm silent for a few seconds, taking solace in the knowledge he's with me even though he's not here with me. It's incomprehensible how—in such a short time—the thrill and comfort of having Edward back in my life and by my side again has calmed me. Between my tumultuous year with Tyler and now the medical drama with Dad, I'm relishing my newfound relationship with Edward. It's the lone rose thriving within the bramble that's threatened to strangle me multiple times.

"Still with me?"

I manage a tired smile simply because his voice is so sexy in its innocence and sincerity. "Yeah. I'm just thinking it'll be nice to have your voice be the last thing I hear before I fall asleep tonight. Overwhelmed with wrecked nerves on a crowded red-eye last night wasn't exactly conducive to relaxation."

He hums. "I'll make sure to come up with my best bedtime story, how's that?"

"I hope it's a happily ever after," I say through a yawn and then giggle. "Sorry."

"I promise I'll work on a fairy tale ending if you promise to get home in one piece."

The honk from the car behind me snaps me out of the trance his voice put me under. I stick my tongue out at the rearview mirror but smile at Edward's name highlighted on my phone. "Okay. I'm hanging up now."

"Good," he chuckles. "Talk to you soon, sleepyhead."

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The ride home only gets scary when I realize I'm a block away from the house, and I don't remember the path I took to get here. As I pull into the driveway, I thank God out loud that I made it home without killing myself or anyone else. The neighbors must be having a party because there are cars lining both sides of the street. As long as they keep it to a dull roar, I'll be fine. I'm so wiped, I could probably sleep through a bomb going off in the next room.

I step onto to the front porch and realize I don't have my parents' house keys with me. I assume they're in a box in Jasper's hall closet in Florida right now. That's convenient.

Dammit.

There's a key hidden in the garage which I could get to if I traipse through the back yard. I'm pretty certain, though, they also held onto the fake rock Dad stashed behind his azalea bushes when we were in grade school. I drop my bags at the door, dodging the automatic sprinkler which is currently drenching the other side of the yard. The mulch and some scattered leaves I step through are a wet mess, but I ignore their sliminess and contort my body to fit behind the thicket.

Spider webs, jumping crickets, and slithering worms, oh my! Plus the disgusting humidity. Yuck. I need a shower, pronto.

I dig around in the garden bedding, tossing chunks of bark and a few pebbles around. This is vile. A perfectly rotten ending to a perfectly rotten day. Well, not completely awful, I harshly remind myself. Dad's alive and Dr. Brennan is optimistic about his recovery. Now begins the road to healing and a healthier lifestyle. I imagine this is going to be the harder part.

It's exhausting just thinking about it.

Where is this friggin' rock?

"A-ha!" I snatch the fake stone from under the bush's exposed root, happy in my triumph. While I maneuver back over to where the azaleas meet the corner of the bay window, sprinklers at my feet and the main one embedded in the pachysandra pop up. Water sprays everywhere, soaking me from the knees down and even misting my face while I wrestle with the bushes.

I'm squealing like a moron as I dash over to the safety of the dry walkway, running my hands down my wet face and through my unkempt hair. "Could I possibly be any more of a disaster?" I growl at the trees and the fading daylight.

"I don't know, I think you look kinda cute."

I swing around, slack-jawed, staring Edward in the face as he makes his way up the front path. White t-shirt, green and blue plaid shirt left unbuttoned, and dark jeans with construction boots. Plus a backwards baseball cap and his wire-rimmed glasses, of course. I mean, really.

Lord, thank you for all blessings, great and small.

"You're here?" I gasp. "Are you kidding me?" I'm overwhelmed as tears pool in my eyes.

He widens his arms. "Where else would I be?"

I run and leap into his waiting embrace. Thank goodness he's built like a tree and barely even jostles when I throw my arms and legs around him. He chuckles softly and it makes me melt, I swear. While I bury my face in his neck, his hold tightens around my back and his fingers play with the edges of my hair.

"You okay?" he murmurs into my shoulder.

I sniffle, closing my eyes, not ready to move from the warmth of his neck. "I just can't believe you're here." When I raise my head, meeting his gaze, his arms squeeze me again.

"In the flesh."

"How did you know I needed you so badly?"

His thoughtful half-grin is followed by a shrug. "I took a guess, but really I just hoped you were missing me as much as I was missing you."

I lean forward, capturing his upper lip in a soft kiss. We move slowly against each other's mouth for several seconds until I smile against his lips; he mirrors me.

"Hi," I whisper.

"Hey, you."

"Thank you for coming to be with me. You've turned this day into something worth remembering."

He pecks me again. "I'm glad."

"I'm kinda spider webby and scuzzy after my tussle in the bushes, though."

"I like you scuzzy," he cuts in, winking. "But what were you doing back there?"

"Too lazy to walk around the house to get into the workshop where my parents hide their key, so I hoped I'd find the old one out here."

"Was it still in that fake rock?"

I giggle. "Yes! Can't believe you remember that. Anyway, I had to dig through slimy mulch and got pricked by pinchy azalea bushes. Oh, and I'm pretty sure a black widow tried to kill me, too."

"Well, let's get you in the house before nature attacks you any more tonight," he says with a chuckle and drops kisses to my lips, chin, and neck.

God, he makes me feel sexy, even under the circumstances.

I want to be his, and I want him to be mine in every way possible.

"I'm so tired, I might drown in the shower."

He cocks his head. "Well, I can't allow that to happen, now can I?"

"Any suggestions to keep me safe?" I'm mesmerized by the piercing look in his eyes as he studies me. The slow bob of his Adam's apple and the tensing of his jaw leads me to believe the New Jersey humidity isn't the only reason we're feeling extra warm.

"Chaperone?" he asks with mirth and need in voice.

"Yes, please."

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.

.

The bathroom door clicks locked while I turn the water on in the shower. My stomach is knotted up, but when I feel his strong arm wrap around my waist, spinning me, I remember there's no reason for fear or anxiety.

His thoughtful yet hungry eyes tell me why. There's only Edward and Bella. Not the ones with knobby knees and scarred elbows from crashing our bikes or taking a spill off a skateboard when we were ten years old. No, the scars we bear mark our hearts, bruised and bloodied, but somehow now—in each other's arms—we're able to ignore them, put away that old pain for a while and maybe even forever.

Our past doesn't have to and won't define us. A butterfly that escapes its chrysalis, where it's been trapped for so long, doesn't look back. It flutters its wings, gains strength with each stroke and flies off to start the next phase of its life.

Our new course started in Arizona and is continuing tonight.

With his gaze holding mine, my fingers slide over his broad shoulders to pull his button-down off his arms. Again, I slink my hands up his flexing abs as his white t-shirt bunches at my wrists.

"Here, let me." Edward takes over, slipping it over his head, leaving him standing in front of me wearing only jeans. He removes his glasses and places them on the counter before stepping toward me.

With my back against the wall, he plants his arms on either side of my head. Caged and loving it, I reach to cup his face with my hands and watch as he swallows tightly.

I can almost hear identical mantras in our heads.

It's us. Just you and me. Bella and Edward. Edward and Bella. It should've been us all along.

Dipping down, his mouth finds mine over and over as our kisses intensify.

My hands travel from his neck, down his rippling chest, and end with my fingers tugging on his belt loops. He's so close, but I want—need him closer.

Suddenly we're both fighting to undo the buttons of my blouse while steam billows from behind the glass doors of the shower. It takes no time at all until he's naked before me and slipping my panties down my legs. As they inch closer to the floor, Edward's soft lips and hot breath trail wet kisses across my collar bone and down to my breasts.

My shuddering has him stand and lead me into the shower where the cloud envelops us like a warm blanket.

"May I?" His gruff voice is full of sex and want while I gather my hair at the top of my head with a clip. I nod and smile, and he fills the palm of his hand with creamy body wash. His hands move over my skin like he's reading a map and knows where all the buried treasure is hidden. I find myself gasping and sighing as he swallows each of my breaths with his commanding lips. "You're more beautiful than my dreams could conjure up."

The soapy suds from my body transfer to his. Our kisses are ravenous one minute and delicate the next. I can't keep up, but I don't even care. All I know is feeling his weight press up against me, while I explore the cuts of his toned arms down to the defined V dip of his lower stomach, is a high like I've never experienced.

When my hands grab his ass and squeeze, Edward moans into my mouth again, this time scooping me up to sit at his waist. He spins us under the shower head allowing the water to rain down between our heaving chests, rinsing away all the bubbles.

Reaching behind me, I smack the dial against the wall, shutting off the water. When my lips dance across his cheek to nibble on his ear he hums and I bite my lip, thrilled to elicit these sounds from him. I lick at the droplet of water slinking down his tensing neck and his fingers press harder into my back. My belly twists in anticipation when he sighs and groans my name.

Cocking my head to the side, we study each other somewhere between a smirk and a smile on both of our faces. I close my eyes and lean forward pecking him once, twice, and then opening my lips to pull on his lower one.

"Bed," I whisper against his mouth.

He nods and slips his tongue past my lips again. "Yes."

After I slide away the door, he steps forward and I grab a towel from the bar as we leave the bathroom.

"Remember where you're going?" I say with a giggle, wrapping the soft cottony fibers around him like a cape.

He moves us into my childhood bedroom and pauses at the foot of the queen bed. "Remembering would suggest there was a chance I'd forgotten." His voice is still gravelly, so deep . . . desirable. Laying me down in the middle of the bed, he hovers over me, his slickened hot chest moving in time with mine. "I never forgot, Bella. Not ever."

My throat is dry as I stare with longing into his dreamy eyes, but I feel the need to spill a secret I'm not necessarily proud of. "Many times over the years I found myself wishing I could erase you from my mind, from my heart." My index finger runs over his lower lip while he listens intently. "Only because it hurt to know you were out there and not mine. It made me so sad to think you were doing well and living happily, and I wasn't there to share in it . . . or be the reason for it." My confession stalls when he kisses me hard.

We fight for gasping breaths, our mouths moving over each other's lips. Across his cheek, down my jaw . . . there's nowhere that our tongues and teeth don't travel. Meanwhile his hand smooths down the side of my naked body as he settles himself between my thighs.

Our assault slows and he pecks me gently this time, his lips millimeters from mine. "We lost so many years based on assumptions and miscommunications." He shakes his head, his studying gaze concentrated on me. "Never again. No more hidden feelings. No more regrets."

I lift my head from the pillow 'cause I have to kiss him again and again.

"When something's on my heart, I'm laying it on the line," he promises. "You're too important to me to let you slip from my grasp again."

If my beaming smile didn't give it away, I'm certain my heart hammering the symphony in my chest conducted by him would do it.

"No more wasted time," he continues. "You feel something, you tell me."

I catch a chill and shudder, pressing my head into the pillow. When my trapped body shifts, I know I want to lighten the moment. "Oh, I feel something." I thrust my hips up to give him a nudge and he gets a devilish smile.

He leans his head aside. "Do you want me to use—"

"No," I cut him off with a nibble to his chin. "I just want to feel you."

His mouth devours mine again. While my hands grip and grab at the muscles of his arms, shoulder blades and back, he slides his arm between our undulating bodies.

When his exploring hand stops between my legs, I whimper. Huffing a chuckle, he licks and sucks the sensitive skin under my ear. He rubs the pads of his fingers from my entrance up to my clit, causing me to hiss and whine, unable to wait anymore.

"Please, Edward," I plead just as he starts to grind his pelvis between my legs. It only takes a few strokes until he penetrates me fully.

He stills, and I still, and he threads his fingers through mine, pushing my hands into the mattress. Kissing me softly, he whispers against my mouth, "You okay?"

I nod, feverishly pulling at his lips with my own. "Perfect."

He takes his time at first, thrusting slowly in and out, teasing my mouth, cheeks, and nose with playful nips and pecks. It's when I relinquish my hands from his grip, planting them on his ass and squeeze that he picks up his pace. His hips swivel and then he plunges over and over again. He's rubbing and pulsing inside me where the line between pleasure and pain is my breaking point.

I'm with Edward. The Edward . . . my Edward.

We grunt and groan and sigh and suck and it's fucking and making love and teenage angst and puppy love and old friends and new lovers and just . . . bliss.

All it takes is tipping my head to the side to watch his muscular, tanned body push against and into mine, and my mouth falls open as the rush of my orgasm washes over me.

Moments later, he reaches beneath me, tightens his hold, and rolls us over so that I can straddle him. His head is almost off the edge of the bed because of our diagonal position. We laugh and readjust before I position myself over him and slide back down his shaft.

With one hand on my hip and the other massaging my breast, he pumps his pelvis up while I steady my palms on his chest to rise and fall in time with him.

"You are sexy as hell," he says softly, trailing one hand up to my neck. He pulls me forward while lifting his chest from the bed to meet me halfway for another lip lock. His other arm props him up, and I ride him faster but with longer strokes. "You're gonna make me come, Bella."

I dive down, slipping my tongue back into his mouth. He holds my face in his hands; he's concentrating, studying me, maybe us.

He moans and I bounce a little faster until he tears his face away, pressing his cheek onto the mattress, an open-mouthed grin on his face. "Yesssss, Bella. Goddamn."

I don't stop my movements until he turns back to me. I look down between our heaving bodies. My breasts dance along his chest, and there's a sheen on our skin which is a combination of remaining shower water and sweat.

I lift myself off his body and lie down, curling into his side just as he wraps his arm around my back. We're silent, catching our breath as my fingers meander across his chest, through the sparse hair there and follow the trail down his abs to where more hair gathers below his navel.

"I can't believe I just had sex with Bella Swan," he says with a satisfied hum.

I snort and lean over, biting his nipple. "The nerve that I just had sex with Edward Cullen." Our teasing grins make me giggle, and I stretch to give him a couple of pecks. "You good?"

He nods, his fingers tracing a pattern from my upper arms down to my thighs and back. "I'm—I'm on some kind of cloud, I think." He shakes his head, staring past me toward the ceiling fan. "It's surreal, but it's exciting and it's . . . it's like a dream. One that you never ever let yourself bank on, that's finally come true, you know?"

I huff. "Yeah, I'm right there with ya." I shrug, connecting the random freckles on his chest across to his shoulders and upper arms. "Us being together like this was only ever impossible in my eyes, so I just had to let the thought go. And now we're here." I look around my former bedroom. "And we're old."

"Hey," he scolds with a chuckle. "We're older, but we're not ancient, kid. I mean, I think we did pretty well here tonight."

I become shy for a split second and bury my face near his arm. "Yeah, no fumbling and bumbling kid moves. No practicing necessary; we're performance-ready," I mumble.

"Speak for yourself." His eyes widen. "I'm a fan of perfection. I'm thinking practicing with you would be highly advisable."

"I could be convinced," I say grinning slyly and scoot my body up so that I'm half-draped on him, tangling my leg over his. My lips seek out his once more, and we kiss until we're breathless again. "You being here . . . it's just"—I shake my head— "words fail me." The emotions thicken in my throat, and I feel tears pooling for the umpteenth time in the last twenty-four hours.

Edward folds his other arm behind his head, his face blanketed in concentration while he stares at me. "You came to find me last week because you hoped I wanted your friendship back in my life, Bella."

I nod, my damn lower lip quivering while I try to hold it together.

"Well, I'm here tonight because I'm ready to finish what you started. No matter what has to happen, whatever we have to do . . . I want to do it. I want you. I want us. Whatever this road is, I'm so fucking thankful it intersected with you again."

A tear spills over my cheek and I smile, leaning in to kiss him again.

When his head settles back on his crooked arm, he gives me a sexy wink. "How's that for a bedtime story?"

---

A/N: Much love and thanks to my team: Born, Cejsmom, Lay, and Momo. Couldn't do this without them. Thank you to all my readers and those who keep me entertained with their reviews. I love hearing from you and so appreciate you all being here for this journey.

Hoping to post again in the next two weeks or so. See you then.

xo, Jen