Going into hiding

-x-

I smiled slightly as fourteen month old Harry stared at five month old Orion as he lay in my lap feeding hungrily, acting one hundred percent like his father, who did all things with a passion.

This thought came with a blush as I thought of the passion that Sirius came home with every night after training at the ministry of magic, sadly along with other more undesirable emotions.

-x-

I sometimes worried about Sirius when he went so introspective and serious, as if the weight of his world was on his shoulders.

I hated to think about what he saw at the ministry and knew of the war that was coming quickly, hurtling towards us with the potential to split our world apart more than it had already when Sirius' parents had died.

To say that he was short with me when I asked about his day was an understatement and after a few times of tension I had simply stopped asking what was happening as I knew that he worried about me.

He was scared that I was going to caught in the crossfire and I felt the same about him as without him I was not sure what I would do.

But death felt near and every time that I tried to put it to the back of my mind it didn't work. I was now scared and every day that went by made my fear grow.

-x-

"You have always been so natural at that." Lily whispered, pulling me out from my morose thoughts. "It makes me feel like I am struggling when I see you with your children or with Sirius as all three revolve around you like satellites, desperate for your love and attention."

"You have more options than I ever did when it comes to my life." I purred, embarrassed that she honestly thought that I was a better mother than she was. "I was made to be Sirius' play thing and the fact that he accepts me as his wife and the mother of his children is amazing. All you need to do is try your best and love your family like you do and never compare yourself to anyone else."

"Do you ever doubt your own parenting skills?" Lily probed.

-x-

I went to answer but was distracted as Angel ran through the door with her teddy bear hanging from her fist by the foot and tears running down her cheek. She immediately halted as she saw her brother breast feeding and she inched forward with her eyes continually on my breast.

"OK, just this once." I allowed her as she crawled onto the empty seat next to me and calmed as soon as she started to feed as I exposed my other breast as I kept my grip on her brother.

"She loves it." I admitted to Lily. "I know most people do not approve but I am past caring about other people's opinions on the way I raise my babies and Sirius doesn't mind that she is still doing it and if anything I think he wonders when his turn will be."

"Has he ever?" she asked, raising her eyebrows at me.

"He has done it in the past." I acknowledged. "I tend to produce a lot more than the children can deal with so he tends to take the extra rather than letting it go to waste. Sometimes I wonder if he does it for more of a reason than to just remove my agony."

"Daddy loves it." Angel whispered suddenly, pulling away from my breast for a few seconds before she clamped on again and smiled up at me as I stared into her beautiful face, stroking her face extremely gently.

-x-

Harry was such a sweetheart that I couldn't help but smile as he toddled up to Angel when she climbed back off my lap having established to her brother that I was still her mother too.

This had been a territory dispute since my baby boy had been born and it amused me that she knelt down when Harry toddled towards her whereas with her brother she didn't accept any love that he tried to show her.

But with those two and with Sirius the problem was that all three were very similar in that they wanted their own way so it was a minefield especially between the three children.

But right now I couldn't focus on that as Angel was playing with Harry and that gave me a chance to feed Orion so he would have his afternoon nap.

-x-

"Do you ever miss how your situation used to be when you were just his pleasure slave?" she asked after we had got the children to sleep for their naps so we were both relaxed and could talk .

Lily was acting odd so something was going on and from her nerves it wasn't good. "Your life seems to have changed so much that I was wondering if there is anything you miss from when he was in charge and you could just let him decide everything."

I smiled and breathed out a long sigh as I know that a lot of people avoided this subject as it upset Sirius.

"I miss being able to pretend I don't understand anything." I admitted, with a chuckle. "Being ignorant is a bonus at times as I can get him to wrap me up in his arms to read to me or explain the daily news. I was definitely more vulnerable before I knew his feelings so I held on tighter when he was with me and I definitely needed more reassurance."

"Were you scared back then?"

"I never feared for my life then. I do now."

"I do too." Lily whispered. "Dumbledore is encouraging us to go into hiding and I think that James is scared for Harry and I."

"That is worrying."

"Indeed. I just want to protect my son and this is probably the best way to do it. I feel like my life is slipping away. I need you to promise something."

I nodded mutely, scared of what was going to be said next.

"If anything happens I want you to take Harry in as your fourth child."

My eyes widened at that.

"I can see you are pregnant. I want you to promise to have him as your baby if anything happens to James and I. My sister doesn't like James and hasn't met Harry so I need you to raise him."

I nodded.

"I promise I will take him and raise him if something happens." I whispered, a sick feeling falling over me.

-x-

With those words the future was sealed and I could feel that even more when they left that night and went into hiding a few days later.