~ Always ~

Chapter Twenty-One ~

Kate flew down the stairs, hoping no one else was awake yet and that she could flee before the tears came. No such luck. Martha and Alexis were both up - looking gorgeous in their designer pajamas she noted briefly - and sitting at the kitchen counter enjoying breakfast.

"Good morning, Kate," Martha trilled, a big smile lighting up her face. "Did you two get any sleep?" She seemed to think the better of her question and held up a hand. "Never mind, I don't want to know. Join us for breakfast?"

Kate's bottom lip quivered. "I can't," she whispered. "I have to go."

"Why?" Martha rose. "What's the matter darling?"

She bit her lip and shook her head. "I have to go," she repeated, then she turned and walked towards the door.

"Kate!"

"Detective Beckett!"

She grabbed the door handle and paused for a minute, looking over her shoulder at them. "I'm sorry," she mouthed, hoping they'd understand.

Once she was in the hallway she made a split-second decision to go for the stairs rather than wait for the elevator. If someone were to come after her ... the tears were barely holding as it was.

A voice called her name just as the stairwell door clicked shut. Martha. Thank goodness she'd listened to her instincts. Not that in other circumstances she mightn't have been willing to cry on Martha's shoulder, but she didn't want to put Castle's mother in the middle of things and what had just happened had cut her deeply. She needed to get home to safety. Privacy. A place where she could be alone with her hurt.

The tears seemed to have a mind of their own however, and began to fall. She sank to the floor, back leaning against the cold, metal door, and sobbed.

xxxxx

Castle came downstairs five minutes later, washed up but not yet dressed. There was a pounding in his head; perhaps the intelligent and responsible part of his brain pummelling the part that hadn't censored itself before speaking.

"Is she gone?" he asked dully, coming to stand before his family.

Martha nodded.

"Dad, what did you do?" Alexis asked slowly, accusingly.

"Whatever it was, it was bad enough to have Kate running out of here practically in tears. Richard, what were you thinking?"

"I wasn't." He ran a weary hand through his hair, spiking it up comically. "I spoke before I thought, and ... "

"Will you never learn?"

Castle hung his head shamefully at his daughter's words. "I was just wor ... it just slipped out and ... " He sighed. "I was wrong. I shouldn't have said what I did."

"What did you say?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It matters to Beckett."

He lifted his eyes to meet Alexis's questioning ones. "It's between me and her. I'd rather not share it."

"Of course." Martha touched his arm. "You know how to make this right."

"I will mother. But not yet. She needs time. If I go chasing after her now it'll just push her further away."

"It amazes me that sometimes you seem to know her so well and yet others it's as if you're still strangers. You really have a knack for opening your mouth and putting your foot in it with her, don't you?"

Castle's cheeks flamed as he gave his mother a quick, embarrassed smile. "Consider both feet jammed in this time."

"I sometimes wonder that you're related to me." She shook her head at him, Alexis joining her in the lighthearted condemnation.

"Haven't you ever said the wrong thing to someone you care deeply for? It's not like you don't know it's the wrong thing, it's just ... your heart speaks up instead of your brain, and ... "

"All the time, dear. All the time."

Alexis put her arms around his waist. "You can fix it, dad. You always do. It's not the first time and she's forgiven you before. I'm sure you'll be back together soon."

His one eyebrow raised. "What, did I raise a matchmaker?"

Alexis and Martha looked at each other for a second, then broke into song.

"Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a find. Catch me a catch ... "

xxxxx

Kate closed her apartment door behind her, leaning against it for support. She was grateful the cabbie had left her alone, likely coming up with his own supposition for why she'd be heading home at this early hour of the morning, crying.

She was thankful too to be back home. Her refuge. Sanctuary. The place where she could uncheck the feelings that were bursting to get out and just let them be.

She'd heard the saying 'company doubles your joys and halves your burdens' but she'd never really found anyone she was willing to share her burdens with. That meant opening herself up and being vulnerable and there was no one she trusted to handle her with enough care that she didn't break.

Except Castle.

She sniffed. Castle was why her heart was hurting so badly right now. Or was he? Kate pushed the disturbing thought aside and went into the kitchen to make some tea. While she waited for the kettle to boil, she walked around her apartment, eventually ending up in front of her private murder board.

You never really let it go, did you? You dropped the investigation eleven years ago when nothing turned up but somewhere deep inside you just couldn't let it go. Now it's consumed your life - literally. All of the people you care about have been put in danger all because you had to keep poking and couldn't leave well enough alone. Why? Why can't you just let it become part of the past and move forwards? She's gone. Nothing you do can bring her back and you may end up losing others you love if you keep pushing.

An even more disturbing thought surprised her. Is Johanna Beckett's murder all you have, Kate? Is it what defines you? Without it, who would you be? Would you still put work first and eschew all other commitments? Would you even be doing this if it weren't for that?

Maybe Castle was right. She'd only become a cop because her mother's murder had wrenched her heart and put a huge hole in her life that she hadn't been able to mend. Trying to find answers was her way of avoiding dealing with that hole, always telling herself that one day she'd find out and then she'd be whole again. She'd always put everything else second. She'd never considered letting that hole fill itself as she found happiness and wholeness elsewhere.

Suddenly she became aware of the kettle's high-pitched whistling and brought herself back to the present to make the tea. Several minutes later, steaming mug in her hands and she cuddled up on the couch, she let her mind wander again.

Castle really doesn't know me if he thinks I can just quit being a cop. How dare he even suggest a thing? He prides himself on his observational skills but even after all this time together he really doesn't get me. Frustration and anger knotted her stomach again but then something she hadn't thought of in her indignation came to the surface. Maybe he's just scared. As scared of losing you as you are of losing him. How did you react when you found out he'd been shot? Cool as a cucumber weren't you, Kate?

Her face, already red from crying, grew a shade darker. She hadn't been any better than he, yelling at him and telling him he wasn't allowed to be a part of these dangerous operations anymore. Yeah, but you're actually a cop, trained to face danger. He isn't. It was true, but it didn't change the emotions either of them felt.

She put down the tea and rubbed her eyes. Understanding the whys didn't make these feelings any easier to deal with. She was a wreck. A complete and utter emotional wreck. The last few days had put her through the wringer and caused a roller coaster of emotions to come to the surface. Much as she wanted to fix what was wrong with her and Castle, she knew she needed some time alone first. And sleep. Sleep was paramount. Given how worked up she was, she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep without help so she took a sleeping pill and popped in her headphones with some quiet, soothing music as she lay down.

xxxxx

Montgomery woke to the sound of his cell phone ringing. He peeked at the clock before picking it up. Nine am. It felt much earlier, given that he'd only reached bed somewhere after four o'clock in the morning.

"Montgomery," he said sleepily, but his eyes snapped wide open once he realized who it was. "Yes sir. Ten o'clock. I'll be there."

He made a sound low in his throat as he jumped out of bed and headed for the shower. The commissioner received hundreds of emails and reports daily; he'd counted on the one he'd just filed being near the end of the docket so he'd have the day to prepare his defense for Beckett. No such luck. He was on in ... three minutes less of an hour and he had only his shower and the ride to the office to get it all together.

Sometimes he really hated his job.

xxxxx

Jenny woke to her fiancee's face smiling across the pillow at her.

"Hey, beautiful."

"Hey yourself." She smiled back, reaching a hand out to smooth his sleep-rumpled hair. "How are you?"

"I'm good. Awesome. Fantastic." His grin widened. "I'm alive and you're here with me and what could make this day any better?"

"Breakfast in bed?"

Ryan chuckled. "Did you hire a cook to make it for us, because I'm not letting you leave this bed."

She giggled. "Aren't you hungry?"

He pulled her close and began running his hands along the warm skin under her pajamas. "There's only one thing I'm hungry for."

"Kevin Ryan!"

"Honest. I'm being honest. Doesn't that get me some points?"

She kissed him. "It gets you a lot of points."

"Good, because I have the day off and if you call in to work sick we can enjoy breakfast in bed the way I like it. Dessert first."

"Kev, I shouldn't."

He smoothed a hand through her hair, face growing solemn. "I know, and normally I'd never suggest it, but yesterday was ... "

She reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers. "I know."

"I just ... need to be with you today, Jenny. I love you and ... yesterday was ... sometimes the job can be dangerous and it makes me thankful when I do come home to you. There may be a time when I don't, so I want to take advantage of it now."

"Don't say that. Don't even think it," she chastised. "I know this job means a lot to you Kevin, but I don't want to lose you to it."

He leaned in and kissed her. "You won't. I promise I'll always try to come home. Now you have a phone call to make and we have breakfast to get working on."

Jenny giggled and picked up her phone. "Fine. But only this one time."

xxxxx

Castle sat at home, alone, staring into the fire. Alexis had gone to school, saying she needed to get back to her normal routine, and his mother had, after observing his meditative state, wisely opted to go out and leave him alone with his thoughts.

He'd really done it this time. He'd angered and hurt Kate before; gone behind her back and investigated something she'd told him not to, acted like a jealous teen when she'd chosen another man over him, even undermined her authority during an investigation. She'd always forgiven him and taken him back into her small circle of trust, but he'd never before questioned her or her choice of life's work. Nor had she ever been as vulnerable when he'd hurt her. It was no wonder she'd run to hide and lick her wounds in privacy.

His heart melted, knowing he'd hurt her so badly. He wanted to make amends now but knew it was better he left her alone to absorb the hurt and pull it beneath her protective layer. He'd seen her hurt enough times to know she didn't deal with it well in the moment but needed time to distance herself before talking about it.

He began formulating his apology.

xxxxx

Commissioner McNicol stood, interview clearly at an end.

"Sir please." Montgomery stood as well. "Beckett is hotheaded and sometimes works a little outside the box but she's a damned good cop and she's got the best record in the department. I never thought I'd say it but she's easily as good as Royce was. Better."

"I don't dispute that, Roy. But this isn't the first time she's broken the rules. You have a soft spot for this woman and it blinds you to just how dangerous she can be."

"Dangerous? She bent the rules in order to save people's lives. It's not like she's going out there picking on criminals randomly like some comic book superhero. We have good cause and reason to take these people down. She's able to see the forest and doesn't let the trees get in the way. Please don't throw her out. We need people like her to keep the scum off our streets."

"Roy ... " The commissioner sighed. "Fine. I'm putting her on a two-week suspension without pay and I expect to see her in my office next week with a full verbal report and justification for why I shouldn't kick her off the force. If I'm impressed, she stays. If not, she goes."

Montgomery wasn't happy but he could see that pushing further would be futile. "Yes sir."

TBC