Chapter 21
And I Love Her
She gives me everything
And tenderly
The kiss my lover brings
She brings to me
And I love her
A love like ours
Could never die
As long as I
Have you near me
Bright are the stars that shine
Dark is the sky
I know this love of mine
Will never die
And I love her
A love like ours
Could never die
As long as I
Have you near me
Original lyrics by Lennon and McCartney; this version by Kurt Cobain from Montage of Heck - The Home Recordings
Lounging against the headboard of his bed, Chris sat, long legs extended and crossed at the ankles, and stared at the object in his hand. It was the key to Allie's front door. He'd let himself in her house yesterday after practice and they'd made cookies. And FaceTime'd with his parents and Bella. It was all so fucking domestic. Which he thought should have scared the hell out of him. But it didn't. In fact, he'd felt a deep sense of peace. Of serenity. Of home. He was awed that she had given him her key. That her trust in him had grown so much.
On Sunday night, after they'd watched Cora and Nathaniel drive away, Allie had shut the front door and turned in his arms, settling her hands on his chest. She'd looked up at him, big eyes luminous, and said, "I want to give you something."
"Christmas isn't until next weekend," he'd replied, caressing her back, "I don't have your gift, yet."
Slipping her hand into his, she smiled and led him into the dining room. She stopped in front of her roll top desk and assured him, "It's not a Christmas gift," then slid open a narrow drawer and sifted through its contents. When she found what she was searching for, she turned and held the object out to him. He stared at the rectangle-shaped keychain adorned with a picture of the Portland Headlight, and the lone key that dangled from it. "Since you'll be coming and going a lot, for awhile at least, you should have a key to my house. Cora has one, too."
After a brief pause, he gazed into her eyes and asked, "Are you sure?" Mutely, she nodded. He reached out and gently took the key from her fingers. "Thank you for trusting me," he whispered. In reply, she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face against his shoulder. Without realizing it, she'd helped ease his trepidation about asking her to meet his parents through FaceTime.
He understood the kind of courage it took for her to give him free access to her home. And it humbled him. That night, they'd made slow, tender love, and he'd never felt so needed, so important. So alive.
The look in her eyes when she'd held out the key—full of trust, and something else. He sucked in a breath and slung his legs over the side of the bed, his feet hitting the floor with a thud. "Holy shit," he breathed. His fingers closed over her key so tightly, he was sure it would leave an impression on his palm. He bowed his head, resting it on his clenched fist. "Allie." Her name escaped in a reverenced whisper as realization slammed into him. He loved her. He was in love with her. Goddamn. He didn't expect it—not this soon. But he couldn't deny it. He loved Allie Alice Munro.
"I like her, Chris. She's sweet, eh. And she's putting up with you even though she doesn't like hockey!" Bella exclaimed.
"I know, eh," Chris replied as he plopped onto his bed, cradling his cell phone in one hand and a hockey stick in the other; he tapped the tip of his boot with the blade of the stick. It was Thursday evening. Evan was at Jackie's. Cora was working night shift on Christmas Eve but had Friday off so Allie was staying overnight at her house. Chris had a game Friday night and then practice on Saturday morning.
"I can't believe you made cookies! Holy crap! You must be in love!"
Chris chuckled. "Bella?"
"Yes?" she replied, dragging out the "e."
"I am," Chris murmured.
"Seriously?"
He swallowed, still getting used to the emotions swirling inside him. "Yeah."
"Have you told her?"
"Not yet. I don't want to scare her off."
"Why would you scare her off?"
"Long story. I'll tell you sometime."
"Oh, you are a shit, big brother! You can't say something like that and then drop it!"
"She's been through some tough stuff recently. I don't want to pressure her, that's all." Bella was silent on the other end. Chris could practically hear the wheels turning in her head—feel the concern rolling off her. He probably should have waited to tell her, but he needed to talk to someone about what he was feeling. "Mom or Dad there?"
"Yeah. You want to get their impressions, eh?"
He smiled. "I know Mom, at least, will tell me exactly what she thinks."
"Don't worry. I think they like her. She cursed when you got all klutzy! Seems like she can handle you. And you're just a big teddy bear, anyway, big brother!" Bella's guffaw forced Chris to pull the phone away from his ear.
"Damn, girl! I need my hearing to play hockey, you know."
She continued to cackle. "I'll get Mom. Dad's not home from work, yet."
"Thanks, Bella. I love you."
"I love you, too, big brother."
After less than a minute, Chris heard his mother's soothing, mellow voice, "Hi, honey."
"Hi, Mom."
"So. Cookies. Lasagna. You're getting very domesticated these days."
"Uh. Yeah."
"How serious is it, Christopher?" she asked in her blunt way. This was his mom—no poking with a few subtle hints—just straightforward and honest.
When he wanted to, Chris could be the same way—he'd learned well from her. "I love her," he replied without hesitation.
"And does she feel the same about you?"
"I don't know. I haven't told her yet."
"How do you think she feels?"
"It's complicated, eh." He briefly described Allie's previous relationship and the unexpected deaths of her parents—just enough to give his mom an understanding of Allie's vulnerability, her caution, her fear. Because even with his own family, he felt it was up to Allie to share her whole story. If she wanted to.
"That explains it."
"Explains what?"
"Your father. After we FaceTime'd last night he told me there was something deep inside that girl. Some deep pain. He's worried."
"About her?"
"About her. About how you can forge a relationship with someone who's in that much pain. I'll let him tell you, but, basically, he thinks the two of you recognize something in each other. You've both been through very hurtful things. He sees those parts of each of you reaching out to one another."
Chris heard something skeptical in her voice. "You don't agree?"
"I'm just not sure. Hard to make that kind of assessment in such a short period of time. And I'm not sure a long term relationship can be sustained on that. But you know your father. He gets a sense of things very quickly."
"Like when he left home to be with you?"
"Exactly. She seems like a sweet girl, but I'd like to meet her, of course. Get to know her better."
"I wish I lived closer, Mom."
"I know, honey. Maybe we'll come for a visit."
"Yeah?"
"Your brother is in Toronto. If he can't get out here for the holidays, maybe we can fly out to see him. Then on to Portland."
"That would be great!"
"It's been a while since we've come east. We'll see." After a few more minutes of light conversation, Ahnah said, "Before I forget. I know next summer is a ways off, but your father and I are planning something for our 35th anniversary. We want to make it a family reunion, too. Late June—think you could come out for that?"
"Wouldn't miss it. Sounds great."
"OK, honey. I love you. Let's talk again soon. I'll tell your father you called."
"Love you, too, Mom."
Cora and Allie lounged on floor pillows in front of Cora's blazing gas fireplace. A nearly empty bottle of red wine, assorted cheeses and other munchies on the coffee table behind them. They'd polished off half the bottle at dinner and now twirled refilled glasses in their hands.
"Do you know if Stephen's been served, yet?" Cora asked.
Allie nodded, "Yesterday at 4:30."
"Probably when he got home after his shift. If he comes near you, he's violating the order. You can call the police. They'll arrest him."
"Yeah," Allie paused for a deep breath before continuing, "Trial's set for January 13. It's a Friday."
"Oh, crap. Are you superstitious?" Cora asked.
"I never used to be, but now . . . I wonder sometimes . . ."
"You know we'll all be there for you, right? Me, Nathaniel, Chris."
She nodded again, placed her glass beside her on the floor, and wrapped her arms around her bent legs. "Chris already talked to his coach about it. He'll probably be able to get the time off to testify for me. From what he's told me, that's pretty rare."
Cora agreed, "They're strict about players missing practices or games." After taking a sip of her wine, she continued, "He's a good guy, Allie. Things seem to be going well."
"I think so. I feel really lucky."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Anything. Anytime."
Cora smiled then ventured, "Do you love him?" She sounded almost hesitant—unusual for Cora.
Allie stared into the fire, rested her chin on her knees. Finally, she sighed and turned to look at Cora. "Yes."
"Have you told him, yet?"
"No. I'm not sure he feels the same way."
"He does. I would put money on it."
"What makes you think so?" Allie asked, straightening up. She fingered her wineglass then lifted it and took a deep swallow.
"Well, let me count the ways . . ." After setting her own glass on the table, Cora touched the tip of each finger on her left hand with her right index finger and recited, "The way he looks at you. The way he stormed through your front door when he realized you were in trouble. All the time he's spending with you but not smothering you. He's committed to testifying for you. He introduced you to his parents. What more proof do you need?"
"He has this strong protective streak. He told me he's not feeling an obligation towards me. But I need to be sure I'm not making a mistake or rebounding."
"You're not—on both counts."
"How can you know for sure, Cora? You rarely have doubts about the way you feel. About who you are. Those are things I've always admired about you. I wish I could be the same way."
"Deep down, you are. Right now, you still doubt yourself. But I think you've made some great strides towards healing. And trusting."
Allie took another long sip of her wine before revealing, "I gave him a key to my house."
Cora's eyes widened. "Well, Jesus tap dancing Christ on a cracker!" she exclaimed.
Allie burst into laughter, grateful she'd already swallowed her wine. "I didn't know Jesus was a tap dancer! And I guess the miracle is that he did it on a cracker!" The two of them giggled hysterically as they clinked their glasses together. When their laughter finally eased, Allie continued, "I don't think I've laughed that much in a while. Between you and Chris . . ." Smiling, she shook her head.
Her face composed, Cora declared, "You really are trusting him. That's huge, Allie. Be proud of taking that giant step." She squeezed Allie's arm.
"Remember I told you that my dad and I used to go to the Portland Headlight every Christmas Eve?" Cora nodded. "It started when I was a kid because 'Santa's gifts' had to be wrapped when I wasn't in the house. But my dad and I loved going there, so it became our Christmas Eve tradition. I didn't go last year—not with Stephen . . . well, you know. But I asked Chris to meet me there after his practice on Saturday. I was thinking we could go to the cemetery afterwards." Allie looked into Cora's dark, penetrating eyes and realized they were similar in color to Chris' eyes—just as deep, and sometimes, just as unfathomable. And she could not hide from either of these two people—people whom she loved most in the world.
Cora reached across and embraced her. "Oh, honey. I think that's a good idea."
"Thanks," Allie said when they parted. She hesitated only briefly, "I still don't know how I would survive without you in my life." Cora smiled, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "I think, maybe, I can tell him how I feel when we're at the lighthouse."
"Perfect. And I think he won't disappoint you," Cora replied, brushing a tear away that had escaped and slid down her cheek.
After a few minutes, Allie asked, "Hey. What about you and Nathaniel? You're not going to your dad's for Christmas. Does that mean you and Nathaniel—"
"I hope so," Cora replied. "I'm hoping for the best Christmas present ever. Like, you know, in the form of a proposal and a ring!"
"Oh, my God! That would be wonderful!" They tapped their glasses together once again. "To great times ahead," Allie toasted.
"To great times ahead," Cora echoed.
Author's Notes:
I do not own the rights to "And I Love Her"
For some reason, the song for Chris in this chapter was tough for me to find. At first, it was Eddie Vedder's "Longing to Belong" which is just so beautiful. Then I was listening to "Thin Air," written by Stone Gossard (on Pearl Jam's Binaural) on my way home from work one day and thinking that maybe this was the song. Still didn't feel quite right, though. So then Live's "The Dolphin's Cry" popped into my head and I realized the lyrics could work for Chris. I didn't think the mood of the music fit, but by this time, I'd basically given up trying to hit on the "the perfect song" and decided to go with it. Then driving with my husband on Thanksgiving, he had on the Beatles Sirius station; they were playing covers and Kurt Cobain's version of "And I Love Her" came on. I hadn't heard it before and it hit me really hard: THIS was Chris' song for Chapter 21. It's soft and acoustic, unpolished and raw, and ultimately, vulnerable. When I mentioned this to my husband, his reply was (with a big smile on his face), "And it fits in with the other songs you've used." So—FINALLY—I could move forward with the chapter (I'd been struggling with it for a few weeks. Whenever I don't have the right song, I seem to have some trouble writing about these two—go figure!) I think the other 3 songs work well for Chris but not at this point in the story.
I've also been thinking that I probably should have brought Chris' brother, Craig Miyawin, into the story a bit more. Nathaniel has kind of taken on that role, even though Chris remains close to his brother. (Lately, Craig has been chatting to me a bit, wondering why he hasn't been around.) I'd welcome any thoughts readers might have about that idea.
And now for my many "THANK YOUs" . . .
A HUGE thank you to MedicineGal815 who mentioned in her review that Chris must have a key to Allie's house, otherwise, how would he have let himself in when she was baking cookies?! True confession time: it never crossed my mind while I was writing and editing the chapter—at least not consciously! Her comment got me thinking and wondering about it myself. Christopher Uncas knew exactly how and when he got that key and luckily, he was willing to tell me about it! When I first started writing Chapter 21 the beginning was different; thanks to MedicineGal's comment, the beginning turned into something, in my opinion, more important—Chris realizing, and admitting, his love for Allie. (He hadn't gotten there in the first few drafts of the chapter.)
Another "thank you" to BrynnaRaven who introduced me to the colorful phrase Cora said in her discussion with Allie ("Jesus tap dancing Christ on a cracker"). I'd never heard it before and when BrynnaRaven used it, it totally sounded like something Cora would say! (I do think BrynnaRaven has some Cora in her!)
And a "thank you" to Conbird who put yet another idea into my head which I used in this chapter: she wondered if Chris might offer to take Allie to the cemetery to visit her parents' graves. Again, something I hadn't thought of. But it seems Allie had since she wants to take Chris there herself. I don't think that would have happened without Conbird putting the initial seed into my head.
And as always, you readers are WONDERFUL! I can't thank you enough for your feedback and encouragement.