My Regret

Chapter 20

They say the heart breaks within moments when bad news is given. Eren's destroyed within mere seconds.

The brunet had isolated himself from everyone in his own room. He needed time to think about the thing that most recently happened. Such a thing what he was going through...was not something every single person went through.

Eren had imagined repeatedly a child in his arms after nine months, seeing Levi's face light up with happiness as he began showing, (though he would never voice it. The brunet knew he would take that observation to the grave.) Getting to see Levi read to his over sized stomach, gently rub circles on his stomach, feeling the baby kick against his raven haired lover's hand, there was so much that Eren wanted to see this time around...yet he would never get what he wanted.

Before you all have heart attacks and throw a temper tantrum cursing me out, yes, Eren can still have children. It just wasn't something said brunet wanted anymore at the moment. He knew he could very well have children again in the future, that he is well aware of. But this child...the small life that was growing inside of him...was no longer there. He wouldn't get to see the small body move on the ultrasound screen, hear the small heart beat, feel the kicks of those tiny feet, none of that would be happening.

There was one thing that Eren did appreciate; Levi's understanding of his feelings. The man was completely understanding of how he was feeling. He would sometimes come and spend time with him, and leave whenever Eren asked him to. Levi didn't talk about it, and never brought it up. He knew this caused Eren great pain, and didn't want him to suffer all the more.

Eren also understood the man was hurting immensely over this situation himself as well. Levi had dreamed that he could hold his child and would be able to watch him or her grow up. But, as fate, or whatever the hell Eren called it, didn't think they should have a child together at the moment.

Levi thinks it was some sort of punishment from 'god'. Not that he believes in one, but because Eren thought that god was responsible for every good and bad thing that happened to every person on earth. The man was mentally seething at that answer. This one definitely one thing he would never voice to his young lover. He felt that no god could foretell any outcome. Levi just simply thought it worked that way. He told Eren his opinion on life once, it got him a slap and an apology afterwards. Don't blame him on congratulating philosophers who actually got their shit right. Now listen up.

"Life, I've conducted after much thought, is meaningless. There is no sense in what happens around us. There's no meaning to our existence. Our lives, our reality is merely something controlled by the laws of physics."

There's no magic in life.

"Everything that us, conscious creatures, have created is imperfect, and cannot surely be compared to the grandness of 'Mother Nature'. After all, 'she' has a good eternity ahead of us in perfecting her skills. How could we possibly make up for the 'time' we have lost just reaching this pitiable level of consciousness we have now?"

We're imperfect.

"Good and bad, sin and virtue, light and darkness; these are merely concepts that humans have created to have some sort of balance, something to hold onto, something to stop them from galling in that spiral of confusion and insanity. A lifeboat if you will."

As our old Shakespeare said so many centuries ago: There's nothing either good or bad, but nothing makes it so.

Now that we think about it; isn't he right? Almost everything we believe in, with maybe the exception of science had absolutely no real meaning unless we give it significance?

"When you say everything, do you refer to religion too?" Erwin cautiously asked him, taking a sip of his whiskey, both men sitting in the raven's living room. Three bottles scattered on the floor.

"Why of course, do you truly believe that something as grand as god can be understood by the likes of us? Humans are truly laughable, aren't they?"

"Does that mean that you do not believe in god?" The blonde inquires, trying and failing to hide a skeptical look.

"It depends on what you mean. If by god you refer to something like he who created us along with all our beliefs, then no."

"That doesn't make much sense."

Levi quietly laughed to himself, "We're way too young. Not to mention I wouldn't expect much from this society. To speak your mind seems like a plague no one wants to get once everything is said and done. Then, we can only deal with the aftermath."

"You're a strange man, Levi."

"So I've been told."

"Aunt Mikasa?"

The raven haired woman looked down at the two small children at her side, both boys holding each other's hands. She smiled softly at the two, "Yes, do you need something?"

Both twins gave each other a short glance, the older twin finally spoke up. "Are mommy and daddy upset with me and Yami?"

That caught Mikasa off guard. She pushed her textbook away, turning to the kids, "Now why do you think that?" She removed her glasses, folding them carefully in her hand.

The small boys sat down on the white carpet in their aunt's room. "Well..." The young brunet spoke up. "Mommy is always in his room and daddy doesn't stay to visit us for long. Did we do something wrong?"

Mikasa shook her head. She got off her chair and sat down in front of her nephew's, legs crossed, "Mommy and daddy are simply going through something tough not all adults go through. They both need some time to think about what happened."

Sebastian tilted his head to the side, "What did happen?"

"...You're much too young to know and understand."

"But why can't you tell us now?" The small brunet's voice quietly asked.

"Because what happened made your mommy and daddy very sad. Small children like yourselves don't understand how something like this can effect you."

"What happened made mommy sad just like daddy?"

"Yes, Sebastian. Mommy and daddy simply need time to get over everything. They're at not upset at the two of you. You and Yami are their precious young children, they could never be mad at you for something you didn't cause in the least. If anything, they still love you a lot. Just like they always have. So, don't you worry about a thing. Mommy and daddy will get better in time. You'll see."

Mikasa couldn't really believe those words herself. Everything did need time, yes, that much she knew. But...how much? She knew that losing a child was painful, her own experience could certainly relate to Eren's. Both lost a child. She knew that pain, but was able to mask it as per usual. She just...wished she could have showed it and gotten comfort for it. That was the only thing she was ever jealous of. The comfort Eren got...was something she wanted.

The raven haired woman absentmindedly rubbed her flat stomach.

"Aunt Mikasa? Why are you rubbing your tummy?"

She glanced up at them, giving them a small smile. "No reason."

"Are you hungry? We have cake Grandma Carla made."

"You know, that might just be it. Let's go have cake with milk."

The twins nodded enthusiastically, both helping their aunt up, taking her hands and leading her downstairs.

Isabel sighed as she yet again failed to get Levi out of his room. She knew he was upset, but could he at least shoulder some of that pain with his brother and sister?

The blonde came up from behind her, "Nothing again?"

"No."

"He can't stay in there forever."

"I know he can't. Farlan?"

"Hmm?"

"How long did it take you to get over the loss of your son?"

"Isabel."

"I know you hate talking about it, but, how long?"

"Never."

"What?"

"I never got over it. One cannot ever get over the loss of their own child. Such a thing is unheard of."

The redhead dragged her older brother to the living room, she wanted to make sure Levi didn't hear anything. She sat them both down. "Are you still hurting over it?"

"There isn't a moment where I don't think of my son. You know the moment when I saw Levi with his kids, I felt jealous, envious even. I really wanted to be able to hold my own son and share all those amazing moments with him, just like our brother is able to with his own kids. I really wanted that, more than anything Isabel."

"So, when I found you again, you barely lost him?"

Farlan nodded, "I was depressed about losing both my wife and son, and angry at myself when I left with them, and told you that you didn't belong with us. I was looking for you, Isabel."

"What would have done had I told you to get lost?"

"I...I don't know. But, what I do know is, I have to help Levi right now. He needs to talk to someone who can understand him."

The girl nodded, "I think that would be a great idea."

Getting up from his seat, Farlan made his way to their brother's room, knocking on his door. "Brother, can I come in?" He waited patiently for a few moments before the door opened.

Levi sat back down by his bed, reopening up his book, resuming from where he placed his bookmark.

The blonde sat down beside him and glanced at the book his brother was reading. 'Romeo and Juliet.' The raven was a fan of classical romance stories, and that was his favorite of all. "So, how are you feeling?"

"Do you even need to ask?"

"Yes actually. You and Erwin downed six bottles of whiskey the other day and I thought you would have one hell of a hangover."

"Well I don't. Now, what do you want?"

"What? I can't spend some time with my brother and comfort him?"

"There's a reason behind all this, isn't there?"

"Now why would you say that?"

"It's because of the current situation at hand."

Farlan sighed, "Fine, yes. I wanted to see how you were coping with things."

Levi closed his book, setting it to his side. "Let me guess, you all want to know when I'll get over my own child dying."

"I know you never will."

The raven stared at his brother in surprise.

"One can't get over the loss of their own child, I don't know anyone who ever has. I know such a thing is incredibly difficult, and I don't expect you to ever get over such a thing. Sure, I'll understand if you don't express the emotion externally, but internally, that's a pain that never fades. Think of that pain as a fire if you will. It's still burning there, not once flickering. I know by experience that pain never goes away, those thoughts and feelings are still going to be there ten, fifteen, even twenty years down the road. An eternity could pass and that pain will not cease to be there."

"...What do you think about Eren's part on this."

"I think of them as the same. Both mother and father grieve, both find their comfort in different people and objects, but the comfort should mainly be with each other. You can do whatever the hell you want to help the pain go away, but your best bet is being with the person you love. Only you two can give each other the support and comfort the other needs, because no one knows you better than yourself and the love of your life."

Levi stared down at his numb hands, "All this time I thought Eren only needed his mother and sister."

Farlan placed a hand on his brother's shoulder reassuringly, "I can understand why you would think that. They're family, family will always be together through good and bad times. You have both me and Isabel, your family. But just know one thing, brother."

"What?"

"Eren's family and our's, are one family together. We'll be united so long as we keep that strong bond between all of us. You, Eren, Mikasa, Carla, Isabel, me, Sebastian, Yami, all of us. We're family until the very end. No, we'll be family to the tops of heaven and bottoms of hell."

Levi cracked a small smile, "Since when were you so good with words."

"The moment you forced me to read Shakespeare and Edgar Allen Poe is when."

The raven laughed softly, "I told you some literature would make you smarter."

"I would damn well hope so. I didn't spend five hundred dollars on books to still be dumber than horse face."

Both brothers laughed.

Isabel poked her head through the doorway, "Everything alright now?"

Levi nodded, "Perfectly fine. Sorry to have worried you, Bella."

The redhead smiled, "So long as you're smiling, that's enough."

Standing up, Levi looked at his two siblings. "Come on, I'll make dinner tonight. I know you two must have been dying for a home cooked meal."

Both Isabel and Farlan nodded.

"That and I can't fucking stand the smell of Chinese food anymore."

The girl glanced up at her blonde brother. "Farlan."

He raised his hand in defense, "Hey, it was either that or that thing you pass of as cooking. Besides, I'm sure Levi didn't want to redecorate his kitchen after a fire."

"That was one time!"

"More than enough to tell me cooking is not your forte."

Levi rolled his eyes at the two, "Will you two stop bickering and come to the damn kitchen?" He walked out of his room.

Before they followed him, Isabel tugged on the blonde's sleeve, gaining his attention. "What did you do to make big brother feel better?"

"He just needed someone to reassure him that it's alright to feel what he's feeling, and that his family, both our's and Eren's, are there whenever he needs us."

Isabel nodded, smiling, linking her hands behind her back, "You're right. Brother is sometimes dense when it comes to noticing the people always willing to help him."

Farlan let out a small chuckle, "He might be the smartest man I know, but sometimes he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed."

"Unless you both want dinner, get your asses in the kitchen, now." Levi's voice called out to them.

Laughing as they left the room, they called back to him, "Coming big brother."

They heard Levi's fond mumble of, "Little shits."

Days after having his heart to heart with Farlan, Levi immediately made up lost time with Eren and his kids. Constantly reassuring the brunet he would be there, and apologized more times than Eren could count. He also apologized to Carla and Mikasa for not being there and thanked they while they took care of Eren in his absence.

Currently Levi was sitting outside in the backyard, reading from where he left on 'Romeo and Juliet.' The twins were sleeping while Mikasa, Eren and Carla all went out to spend some time together.

The silence was very much welcomed by the raven, sipping away at his warm lavender chamomile tea, holding the cup by the rim in that peculiar manner of his. Propping his feet up on the chair in front of him let him relax more and be swept away the meaningful and intense writing of his favorite book.

Levi pulled out his phone, setting it on the glass table, playing his favorite song. The soft yet intense tune residing through the air. Closing his eyes, he leaned back in his seat, relishing in the notes of the music, letting the wind ruffle his hair.

Listening to this song brought back so many fond memories. His mother playing this song for him when he went to sleep, how he listened to it when he had a bad break up, listening to it with his mother one last time, playing this song for Yami and Sebastian for their bedtime. This song helped Levi cope with so main things, and made others happy at the meaning behind such a song.

He never found out where his mother found this song, or why she even let him listen to it. He remembers what she thoughts about it like it was yesterday.

"Rivai-chan. This song is so special to mommy because it made me feel better. It's so beautiful, yet so sad. I would very much like to know why the composer meant for it to be so. But, one cannot change what's been written into notes. We can only bask in the beauty of this music we can listen to. I especially love the end where it's so calm. The soft notes, it reminds me of you, Rivai-Chan. Why? Because you are my light, my life, my everything. You are the one person who keeps me going when I'm tired, sick or lonely even. Let this be our song, Rivai-chan. Yours and mommy's song."

Levi opened his eyes again reluctantly as he heard someone knock on the door and ring the doorbell. He got up from his comfortable spot and went inside. He opened the door and stood there in shock. There stood the one person who he searched for his entire life, the person he wanted in his life as a child, adolescent, and adult. The one person who made him think he was a shame, the only person he ever resented with his entire being.

His father.

Staring at him in shock, Levi could faintly hear the final notes of the song as they echoed and carried off with the wind.

End of chapter 20

Not even gonna lie, I always tear up when I write something Levi's mother said. Not even gonna lie. If you're curious what song Levi was listening to, look up 'Song of Sky.'