The time has come. Your one way ticket to tearville can not be returned beyond this point. First off I'd just like to apologize for not updating on my planned day of February 3rd, I was hoping to have my next one up today but personal circumstances have delayed that. My great grandmother passed recently and her funeral was today - I apologize again for the delay.
Second... I mean no disrespect to my readers or reviewers, but please stop just assuming you know what I'm going to do with my story. I do not appreciate comments that state what others view or suspect of my writing. Only 2 people know where this story is headed, and that is myself, and my best friend, anyone else does not fully know what I'm about to do. Again I mean no disrespect, I appreciate and love every one of you that comment and review, it helps me be able to write better material for all of you to read, and I hope you enjoy it.
Third, I have to warn those of you that may or may not be triggered by things such as self harm, depression or anything else of that nature. Please, if you happen to be triggered by that, skip this chapter - I'd rather you be safe then to read the words on a page. I apologize for doing this to you all but I've been discussing postpartum depression a lot in Psychology recently and it struck a cord, so what I have written is spun from that. Again I deeply apologize for the potential triggering material I have written. Read at your own risk, and be safe.
And finally... this is the 3rd to last chapter. There are 2 more chapters until it's over. This chapter in particular is by far my longest chapter - 28 pages long to be exact - and quite frankly it might be my favorite one. A lot of work went into this; the amount of mental and emotional work took quite a toll these last few weeks. I truly hope you shed at least a few tears when reading, I didn't curl up in a ball on a chair in the college library and sob for nothing. Please do enjoy.
"Damnit!" His hands pounded against the closed door. "Damnit!"
The male nurse behind him still held onto the back of his shirt, "Do it again and I'm calling security" He warned, giving the flannel in his hand a tug. Ricky took his fist off the door, backing away from it slowly. "Why don't you go find somewhere to cool down" the nurse instructed, turning Ricky's body towards the other side of the hallway.
Obeying, he let his feet move in the direction of the waiting room. Coming into the small space, his eyes rest upon the sight in front of him: Kathleen has her head lying on George's shoulder while John is stretched across both their legs; his little chest rising and falling in peaceful sleep.
Ricky knelt down silently, placing a gentle hand on the top of the child's head, kissing him softly. "I love you" he whispered before departing.
He pushed the doors open to the parking lot; letting the brisk December air smack him in the face with it's chilly vengeance. The car was parked exactly 5 rows down from the main entrance. He took a deep breath and walked towards Parking Lot C Section 2, where it sat parked crookedy in it's small confinement. Pushing a button on the small remote in his pocket, he threw the door of the red vehicle open and climbed inside.
The car was cold; the temperature on the dash read a nippy 37 degrees. He exhaled and inhaled slowly, taking shaky breaths that could be seen through the mist of night air. His chest tightened, slowly beginning to constrict the air flow to his lungs. The temperature dropped a degree and a tear rolled down his face. The anger and hurt was bubbling in his blood. He looked out the windshield at a squirrel hopping off a light pole; watching as it's small body hopped easily from the pole, to the cold ground, and scurried away without a worry or thought that it could have died had it not landed the jump.
He took another shaky breath, while his teeth began to chatter in uncontrollable anger.
She was dying. Amy was going to die.
Bang
His fist pounded the seat next to him; feeling the cold leather material smack against his skin.
Bang.
He did it again, pounding repeatedly; the sound reverberating like bullets hitting a target in the confinement of the SUV.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Another ten rounds.
He stopped suddenly, pulling back to admire the rapid pulsing of his right hand; it's throbbing red shape complimenting the dark bruises lining the outer side. The tears cascaded down his red face; falling in heaps onto the thin t-shirt he was wearing. He was alone.
Bang.
Another hard blow found it's way back before turning towards the circular steering wheel showing a dim shade of blue around the buttons and devices.
The baby...
His left hand had started to shake along with his legs; the nerves inside them feeling as if they were about to snap. Both hands gripped the wheel tightly, turning the knuckles a sickly white. His body began shaking, vibrating the seat beneath him.
Letting out a screeching howl - like a battle cry of a wounded soldier - his hands tightened their grip before one released and let the tension get the better of it.
His child was dying. The life and innocence of his little girl was being stolen in that moment.
The bruises added to the screaming as it pounded against the wheel; his face contorting in unknown expression as the screaming, hiccuping sobs overtook the once silent peace of the vehicle.
"Mr. Underwood… can I talk to you a moment?" A stocky nurse asked as she waited in the waiting room by a vending machine; tapping her foot impatiently as she watched him bound his way back into the main entrance.
Nodding he followed her down a different hallway into a dimly lit room where machines and vials hung on hooks lining the white walls. "If this is about earlier, I don't care. I deserve to be with my wife!" He hissed, stepping further into the doorway.
"No it's not that, well it is that but not exactly that." The nurse shut the door.
"As you know your wife hemorrhaged during delivery, losing a substantial amount of blood; so much so that the doctor has requested quite a few bags of donated blood." She paused at his confused face, "I need to ask you a series of questions. Nod if you understand" He did. "Good. Now, I need Amy's age, weight, health status, number of children, whether she's had any complications before, and her blood type."
His answers came out in a spout of rushed and sloppy sentences, detailing all the important aspects of Amy's health, his health, John's health and her sibling's whereabouts.
The stocky nurse creased her brow, tapping a green colored pen against the clapboarded papers resting in her palm. "What is the blood type of your son?" She asked staring at his shaky demeanor.
"Same as Amy's - A Positive… why?" He inquired, scrutching his brow in a bit of confusion.
She took in a deep sigh before answering, "Would you be willing to sign a document giving your son rights to be a blood donor to his mother?"
This was not happening right now. She did not just ask that question. His blood ran cold. "No." Ricky stated firmly, shaking his head back and forth vigorously, "No he's too young, I can't put my son through that kind of pain."
"I'm out of options then. Unless there is any other relative with A Positive or O type blood, I can't help you." He could tell the nurse was getting irritated by the way she threw her hands up in surrender.
"Wait a minute did you say O?" His eyes grew wide, "I have type O, take it from me."
He stuck out his arm, tensing it to show the thick veins bulging out of it. "I have O blood, take it and save my wife." The stocky nurse was hesitant, pursing her lips into a thin line. "Take it!" He shouted in a pleading tone as a tear rolled down his cheek, "Do it!"
Waiting. That seemed to be the only thing that anyone would let you do around here - sit and wait for word of hopeful outcomes. The waiting was actually the worst amount of torture. All people in this place wanted was to know how their loved one was doing; if they were still alive for that matter. And all the people running this place cared about were the concern of a devastated and angry young man who just wanted an answer to his fears.
That angry young man sat in a desolate chair exactly 6 feet from her door; behind a section of wall carved specifically to hit an angle; it's dimensions slanted to block the full view of the remaining hallway. The light above started to flicker silently; it's illumination dimming with each new twitch of a circuit.
His body lay in a sitting position, right fist perched under his chin, as his eyelids fought drooping in pure exhaustion; the battle for peace losing to his overworked brain. Every time his eyes closed, the blood curdling screams pulsed like a banshee inside his mind; the images as vivid as just captured photographs switching by the touch of a finger to another.
"It's a girl!" She was being held up by strong arms as her little face of red, scrunched up in disturbance; her little body squirmed in the hold, screeching with strangled cries of greeting to the world.
"You did it Ames, we have a daugh-" The petrified terror took over. She was ghostly - a sick shade of pale - as her head slowly descended to the side; mouth slightly agape. "Amy!" Beeping. Ringing. Blinking. "Amy!" Sounds of chaos slicing through the air.
Body twitching in restlessness, the visions continued their evil plague behind the once peacefulness of his eyes.
"She's going into shock!" Hands, thin and helpful, took hold of a body fighting unconsciously to leave. Beeping alarms bleeding through the concerned silence of a room watching a heart rate plummet to devastating alarm.
Twitch.
Blood. Red sticky wetness designed to stay within a body full of life, coated it's trail of sickening vengeance to a tile floor. "Shit...SHIT SHIT SHIT!"
Twitch.
"Amy…" Hands once warm and comforting turning cold. Oxygen fleeting from the blue veins taped down by demand. "AMY!" Red flashes blinking rapidly. "You're going to have to go"
"NO! THIS IS MY WIFE!"
Twitch.
"GET HIM OUT NOW!" Blue scrubs scurried around in a blur. Utensils - shiny and new - gripped by rubber gloves stained in red.
Arms clawed and tugged severing a bond.
Twitch.
"AMYYYYYYY!" Screams of pleading falling on unhearing ears that couldn't notice slow beeps declining to flat lines. Rusty hinges slamming a solid blue door shut like a vacuum; preserving it's contents within itself.
Twitch.
Blackness takes over. Where did everything go?
A angry fist pounds, forcefully barking in protest; shouting curses at the inanimate structure.
"Ricky?" A voice broke through the air.
"Amy?" A deeper voice responds, breaking the streak of the slamming.
"Ricky… I'm scared…." The voice admitted in a whisper; it's sound that of a helpless child seeking comfort.
"It's okay Amy. Everything is going to be okay!" His hand touched cold glass; a window of opportunity fleeting his grasp.
A thin, fragile hand met from the other side; the contours of it's shape matching almost to his. "I dont want to leave Ricky…"
"You don't have to baby I'm right here. Look up to the glass, you'll see!"
Her voice was consumed by the tears choking her throat as her face swam into the view provided by the small window, "Don't let them take me yet… I'm - I'm not ready to go yet…"
"Nobody is going to take you… you belong here. This is your home. You… you are my home!" His body pressed itself firm against the door separating them, "Please!"
"I- I can't see you anymore…" Her face swam out of view, being replaced darkness.
"NO!" He screamed as loud as his lungs would allow, "AMY PLEASE DON'T!"
"I… love… you..." Her soft voice screamed back, letting the hand that was once attached to the glass fall away.
"NOOOOOO!" The blood curdling scream bubbled out of his constricted vocal cords.
"No...no...no...no… NOO!" His voice grew louder, whimpering and pleading with his mind to release him of this torture.
One final twitch caused his eyes to spring open. A streak of sweat lining every visible part of his body.
"It was just a dream" Ricky spoke aloud, shaking his head roughly from side to side to thwart whatever it was his head was trying to tell hm. Looking around, he saw that the halls were empty, the white walls starting to burn his retinas; the light above his head offering a flicker of annoying motion.
"What time is it?" He thought, looking for any visible sign of life or technology to seek. It was dark outside still, a window 10 feet away provided a vague picture of a light glow penetrating a dark sky. Was it still night or had it turned to day? Was it still even the same day as before or had it passed on to the next or the one after that? The ticking seconds of somber silence felt like hours trapped inside the hell hole of confinement they call a hospital.
With no luck of seeing a clock anywhere in sight, Ricky fished his phone out of the pocket of his jeans. The screen came to life with an image of what used to be a happy moment before chaos threatened to take that away. The phone blinked and pinged as new little pictures of letters started flooding the screen; each carrying its own tagline of concern. A blinking black icon started to flash into a red color - the battery was dying.
Scrolling quickly through each individual heading of each unread message, he looked quickly at the white digits at the top reading 2:03 a.m. before it went dark. "Great."
Another hour sank its teeth into the tortuous silence, or maybe it was more, who knew at that point. The hallway lights still kept their annoying rhythm of flickers every 45 seconds - not that anybody took particular notice for that matter since there had been no sign of human life for quite awhile, didn't anybody need assistance on that floor?
His leg was crossed vertically, swinging back and forth at a consistent medium pace, twiddling his thumbs against each other and blowing air from his cheeks loudly in an effort to somehow relieve the boredom and keep his drooping eyes from closing completely.
The silence was getting to him slowly until it became broken by the faint sound of metal.
The door slowly creaked open, it's occupant pushing ever so gently as to not disturb the silence inside it. A lanky figure dressed head to toe in blue stepped out slowly, pulling off a pair of latex gloves for disposal before clicking the heavy door back in place; the contents disappearing just as they had began to appear.
This was it.
He shot up from the chair quickly, not even caring that his foot had twisted in the process, and stood to face the figure before him; eye's wide with both hope and worry.
"She's stable" Dr. Owens stated, removing the thin blue plastic from his head to rake a hand through this dark brown strands.
Ricky let out the biggest sigh of relief but could tell by the doctors face that there was something more; that everything wasn't tip top. "How bad was it?"
Dr. Owens frowned, "Amy lost a lot of blood... She's still under the anesthesia from the surgery..." He took a deep breath, "Her appendix ruptured during childbirth and had to be removed immediately to prevent fatal infection-"
"But she's okay now...right?" Ricky interrupted, trying to control his shaky fingers.
"It's hard to say. She's stable now but with the amount of blood she lost...it could go either way. The Methylergonovine is causing her blood pressure to flexate...Amy could wake up in a few minutes or a few days, it all depends upon how her body wants to respond." Dr. Owens replied, bowing his head down for a second, "She's not fully out of the woods yet."
Nodding in understanding, Ricky sniffled, wiping the tip of his nose with the back of his hand, "What about the baby? Is she…."
The doctor shook his head, "She's currently in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit on a ventilator to help regulate her irregular breathing and her heart rate is a little fast for her small body to keep up with." He inhaled slowly, "Due to being 7 weeks early, her lungs and immune system are too undeveloped and not strong enough to be out of an intensive care unit"
He took in another deep breath, "When I left the unit they had begun to induce her into a small comatose state to fight off a respiratory infection thought to be caused by a loss of sterile amniotic fluid that was compromised by Amy's unknown appendicitis."
Rickys brow furrowed in confusion, "What does that mean? Is she going to be okay?" He asked in a broken whisper.
"We won't know until the medications tell us so. They've started a series of medication that will be administered over a 12 day period to counteract the infection" Dr. Owens explained, twisting a gold band around his finger.
"And what if it doesn't work?" Ricky demanded, "What if makes her worse?" letting a tear spill from his eyes. "She's too tiny!" He cried running a hand across his face.
Dr. Owens continued toying with the ring, "If it doesn't work we'll look into more options. After the 12 day period it's up to her. For now we just have to wait."
It was silent for a moment. Dr. Owens bowed his head and began to walk away
"Wait..." Ricky whispered barely audible. Owens turned around to face him again. "Be honest with me…" He spoke slowly, fighting back the lump in his throat with a gulp, What- what is the chances of my daughter getting better?"
"Honestly…" The dark haired man looked up, staring directly into the young fathers hurt and angry eyes, "35 percent. Her condition and prematurity has a 35 percent survival rate."
"I don't know how much time I've got until somebody notices... but I had to see you." His voice was low as he moved towards the dark corner by her bed; watching as the machines displayed their steady beeps.
"Screw them all." He hissed before letting out a sad little chuckle, "You know I can imagine how your face would look right now at that statement." She lay motionless, under a mixture of blankets and sheets. "God you're beautiful"
He paused, putting a hand to the wall in preparation for what he was about to say. "I uh - I wanted to let you know that I've been thinking that I -" Pause, "I've been thinking that if you don't... If you don't...make it...that I'm going to- oh jeez" A hand went to his face, "I'm going to uh put- put her up for...for adoption..."
"I just think it's what's best in this situation and I just wanted to tell you that. I know... I know that you said that I -"He took a large gulp of air, fighting back the tears stinging his eyes, "I could uh- I could raise her by myself but I can't... I can't do it... Not without you."
Moving the chair in the corner closer to the bed, Ricky sat down, "Which is why I need you to wake up soon, okay?" Taking her hand that was just a bit cold, "I don't want to give up that little girl, so I need you to stick around, okay?" He sniffled, "I need you to come with me and finish raising our children together like we promised…"
"Our daughter, she needs you. And John… John needs his mom...he's crazy about you." He bowed his head down, "Remember how you told him we'd have a Spiderman piñata for his 3rd birthday? He's counting on you helping him swing that bat..." exhaling slowly. "And how excited he was to find out Santa was coming in a few weeks... I need my Mrs. Claus to catch me when I fall and bust my ass on the presents..."
Ricky bit his lip hard, taking in a few shaky breaths as he rubbed his thumb over the whites of her knuckles, "I need...I need you Amy... I need you for so much more. There's still so much we haven't done...so much we still need to see...you can't-" He paused, slamming a fist to his knee in anger, "You can't do this. Not yet. Not now!" He shouted, tightening the grip on her hand.
Releasing his hold, he stood up, momentarily using both his hands to cover his face before using them on the chair; tightening his hold until his knuckles were white. "You promised me! You promised you'd be here!" He yelled, choking on the tears cascading down his face,
"You can't break that promise! You can't!" Pointing a finger at her confined body, "Do you hear me Juergens? You can't break that promise!" He wept loudly, fighting the urge to fall to the floor.
The room was filled with the sound of a broken man, wailing in agonizing heartache, watching as the one he loved never responded to his pleading. Her body was trapped inside itself; listening to the man she loved breaking down every wall he ever knew how to put up.
Reclaiming the chair, he sat down again. Taking her hand in his, "Please…. don't break that promise…" Ricky whispered, letting his tears hit her hand as he brought it up to his lips. "Please…"
His head was perched uncomfortably on the edge of the wooden table by the bed; using his black jacket as a makeshift pillow, as the sound of the rhythmic beeps eventually lead him to sleep.
She moved to his mouth, kissing him forcefully and smirking against her lips as she deepened it a little further. Her hand started moving south, placing the tips of her fingers at the button in the center of his blue boxers.
Feeling the sudden draft, he pulled back, wide eyed, "Amy stop…" removing her hand from the southern hemisphere of his body, "you know we can't-"
She stopped him with her lips again, running her right hand into his messy curls. "We can if you want…" Her lips pressed to his again as she climbed on top of him, smirking.
He smirked back. They'd cheated on the no sex thing before with different methods, this was no different right? His hands went to her waist, playing along in the game she was no doubt conning him into to get satisfaction.
She broke their kiss momentarily, stretching her arms above her head to remove the night attire from her body. His eyes grew lustful, devouring the now half naked girl on top of him; making his body react in all kinds of ways. Going back to contact, his hands braced the bed as he prepared to switch their positions.
She was now on her back with him on top of her; kissing down her neck and chest while she raked her fingers in his messy hair. His hands went to her south side, knowing their cheating routine.
"Stop" She declared, pushing her body up a little further against the pillows. "Not that. Not tonight. I want you, not a substitute"
His eyes stared back at hers "Amy we can't… you know we can't. It's too risky…"
"Not if we don't make it that way." He squinted at her in confusion. "If we take it slow - I mean really slow - then it wouldn't be that much of a risk…" He didn't have time to argue because she was pressed against him, pulling his head in for a passionate kiss. That was it.
He smirked again, the tip of his lip quirking up high as his eyes clouded over with lust again.
After removing the necessarily articles of clothing, he took a shaky breath, hesitant to go through with it. "You sure?" She nodded. Their hands intertwined above her head as he slowly entered, taking an extremely slow pace. Her moans were soft but became louder as his thrusts increased, but still kept a safe and steady pace.
"R-Ricky" she moaned, grinding against him a little bit to increase the friction between their bodies.
His response was something he hadn't planned; the muscles in his body taking charge without his permission. Fearing that it was too fast, he kissed her expanding belly and closed his eyes.
The sound of brief shuffles floated their way into his dream, making him twitch his hand lightly. A groan silently escaped through the dead silence, startling his sleeping figure as the chair slid away; sending him to the floor.
"R-rick-" She groaned, taking a moment to cough.
His eyes lit up as he scurried back on his feet to her bed. "I'm here" He whispered quickly, stroking her arm lightly, "I'm here."
Letting out a few more rough coughs, she looked around the darkness; blinking rapidly to adjust her eyes before laying them on him. "Oh thank God" He smiled widely, leaning in to kiss her forehead, temple, nose, cheek, and anywhere else he could in sheer joy that she was here. She was alive. She was coming home.
"What happened?" Amy asked, slightly disoriented.
Ricky looked into her eyes, "You don't remember anything?" She shook her head slowly, careful of the throbbing on the left side. His expression turned to a frown, "You hemorrhaged...during delivery" Her face went slack as she stared down on the purple tape bound tightly against her husband's arm.
His eyes traveled with hers, "You were going into shock and losing so much blood - it was awful… I was so scared I was going to lose you" Taking in a deep breath, "I couldn't let them give up on you, not yet. They were asking for me to let John give you blood; said he was a perfect match...but he's too little and I couldn't - I couldn't let them so… I gave them mine." She sniffled, reaching for his hand. "I d-didn't care how much they needed; take it all. Anything as long as it brought you back to me. To us."
Craning her neck to try and pull him into her, Amy gasped, feeling a sharp jab of pain pierce through her right side. Lifting up the covers to examine what was causing the pain, she noticed a thick white patch of gauze taped just a hair above her pelvic bone. "What's this?"
Ricky patted her hand gently, "They took you into emergency surgery - after they kicked me out of the room that is - The doctor said you're appendix ruptured while you were in labor."
She swallowed hard fighting back the tears as she looked in his eyes; seeing the hurt and anger behind them, she closed her eyes in fear of what he would say next. But he didn't say anything just kept staring at her.
Taking in a large breath, she stroked her thumb against the outer side of his hand; where the bruises shown vaguely in the darkness. Seeing those made her breath hitch. "What about the baby…. is it…" she trailed off fearing of the dreadful look or nod that he could give her.
Head shaking quickly from side to side, "No…" he answered, taking in a deep inhale, "She's uh- she's uh… her odds aren't good" Her face fell as a tear rolled down her cheek, "The infection it- it traveled to her lungs while still inside, and - and she's got - she's got a ventilator helping her breathe…" He rambled, jumbling sentences in an attempt to avoid those eyes that were no doubt filling with tears in front of him.
Closing his eyes, Ricky began to weep, squeezing her hand as he stared into those glassy eyes he loved so much, "She's so small…"
"Did the doctor say what caused all of it?" Amy interrupted, biting the inside of her cheek hard, "Was it because we…" she trailed off, watching in wonder as he got off the bed.
"I didn't tell anyone we… did anything…" He admitted, placing his right hand over his neck.
She was about to respond when the door opened and a bright light flooded the room. She covered her eyes with her the back of her arm.
"Just checking in" Dr. Owens announced, stepping further into the doorway, "Good, you're awake. How are you feeling? Are you feeling disoriented? Groggy? Is the pain medicine wearing off?" He asked in a series of mashed sentences as he checked her monitors.
"I uh - my throat hurts" she coughed into her hand, wincing at the sting in the back of her throat.
He nodded "Yeah that's normal, it's from the tube that went down your throat, it should pass in a few hours."
"Any news?" Ricky asked, leaning against the wall by the bed.
"The Neonatal staff are waiting for Dr. Travis to get here later today before they run more tests. Dr. Travis is the primary doctor for premature and sick infants" Dr. Owens replied
Ricky sighed, "Well when can we see her?"
"There's no way of knowing until Dr. Travis gets here and runs tests. They have to administer a series of tests to determine on what kind of care she will need. The tests also determine if she will have to be moved to a hospital more equipped for her care."
"So what, we're just supposed to sit here and wait? Haven't we waited enough?"
Amy touched the base of his elbow, "Ricky…"
"No, I want to know!" He shouted forcefully, "What, are we just supposed to go home and forget that this happened? Forget that our daughter is dying and we can't see her?"
"I understand your frustration but-"
"No I don't think you do!" Ricky fumed, flexing the muscles in his bruised hand to relieve the tension.
"I can't tell you things I don't know. Only Dr. Travis can examine her, and when he does, then he will be the one to talk to you more in depth about your daughter. I can only do what I am licensed to do, and that is taking care of expectant mothers; premature infants falls out of that jurisdiction. I'm sorry" Dr. Owens calmly replied
"Save it" Ricky hissed through clenched teeth, "I've heard it all before anyway"
"I'm sorry you feel that way. I was actually meaning to talk to Amy, but I can leave for awhile if you two want to talk"
"No" She interjected, "It's alright, stay, tell me what happened to me"
Dr. Owens nodded, starting to explain everything that had happened since she went under; explaining how the symptoms of appendicitis were mistaken by the brain as pregnancy contractions, causing her to go into labor to no fault of her own. He also explained how easily a ruptured appendix can be missed on an ultrasound due to how it moves upward as the baby gets bigger. The likelihood of her situation is that sometime within the last 24 - 36 hours, she exerted an unusual amount of physical activity and it spiked an upset to the unknown appendicitis, causing the pain. When her body experienced the pain it signaled the contractions thinking it was the appropriate time to deliver the baby. Luckily they removed the ruptured organ and the surrounding infectious tissue in time before it spread to another part of her body.
She blinked rapidly at all the things she was being told, gripping Ricky's hand tightly.
"Any questions?" Dr Owens asked, clapping his hands together, indicating that he was done explaining. They both shook their heads. "Alright then, don't hesitate to call if you need anything."
"Thank you" She thanked him as he walked out the door.
"I'm going to go see your dad; tell him you're okay" Ricky said walking towards the door to open it.
"This is all my fault…" She mumbled, picking at her thumbnail
He looked across at her, "Amy, that's not tru-"
"No!" Amy snapped, raising her pointer finger at him, "No, Ricky, don't you dare defend me! I did this! I did!"
"No you didn't, just calm down" He walked slowly to the bed; lowering to sit beside her.
"No!" She fumed, beating her hands against the blankets, "I went out out of spite; to prove a point that I didn't need you to babysit me every single minute of everyday! Now look! I did exactly what you said - I put my life and our daughter's life in danger!" She fell against his side, sinking into his now unfolded arms.
"Shhh" Ricky soothed, stroking the back of her head with his palm and kissing her hair, "shh"
"I didn't mean it!" Amy sobbed into his bicep, choking on her tears, "I didn't mean to hurt her!"
"I know, shhh" Continuing to hold her, she continued to weep; wailing in pain at both the position she was in and the heartache she was feeling inside.
Regaining enough composure to speak without slobbering, "I - I think you should-" she gulped, pressing a hand to her cheek, "you should go"
"Amy it's okay...I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere" He assured, reaching for her hand across the bed.
"No!" She recoiled as her lip began to quiver, "Don't touch me!"
His eyes were filled with hurt, "A-Amy...p-please…" Ricky stammered, pleading with her as he reached for her hand again.
Drawing further back, "Just take John home" she instructed, "You need sleep"
He shook his head, "I don't need any sleep Amy…"
"Yes you do. Ricky you haven't slept in 2 days, go home. Take John home and sleep. It's not fair to you to be stuck here"
"I don't mind, really I don't want to lea-"
"Please just go!" Amy cut him off, "I...want to be by myself for awhile" Her eyes shifted down, toying with the tops of the thin blankets, "Please…"
"Okay" Ricky sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Okay... I'll take John home so you can get some sleep."
"I'll call you when I want to see you" She replied.
Getting off the bed, he grabbed his jacket off the chair, heading for the door. "Ricky…" Amy whispered, raising her head back up to look at his face, "I love you.. .you know that right?"
Releasing the handle, Ricky walked back to the corner; leaning down to place a sweet kiss on her lips, "Love you too" He brushed her bangs back from her eyes, "get some sleep" and kissed her temple.
Going back to the waiting room, he saw that George was now awake, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. He stepped forward, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
George looked at him groggily, "What's going on?" Kathleen yawned tiredly, careful not to bump John with her elbow.
Keeping his silence as his father-in-law's eyes pierced through him, Ricky inhaled, gulping before beginning to speak.
He started explaining everything that had happened; going into detail about the birth, surgery, blood loss, and recovery, carefully reciting all they'd been told before talking about the baby. George's hand went to his face, illustrating the fear and shock that was going through him. Kathleen placed her hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly in comfort.
Fighting the urge to break down again, Ricky went over to John, smiling down upon the toddler clutching an empty cookie wrapper in his sleep.
George sighed, "What's next?"
"We wait." Ricky answered hastily, blowing air from his cheeks in annoyance, "We wait until some doctor decides if my daughter is worth his time."
"George..." Kathleen said, taking her hand off his shoulder, "I think I'll call a cab, it's late and this isn't my place to be here... Amy wouldn't be happy with it." George nodded in understanding.
"I'll take you" Ricky piped up, "Amy insisted I take John home and get some sleep anyway" Kathleen looked from him to George, hesitantly nodding in approval.
"I'll stick around, I want to see Amy" George declared, removing his jacket and laying it on a nearby chair.
Slowly and careful not to wake him, Ricky picked John up, carting his small body in his strong arms. George touched the base of his shoulder, leaning his head over a bit, "She'll be okay" He comforted, "Go home, get some sleep. I'll call you if anything changes." Nodding, Ricky adjusted John further into his torso, letting his head rest comfortably in the crook of his arm, before departing. Kathleen followed.
The ride was silent. Nobody spoke. Nobody sighed. Nobody hardy breathed for fear of breaking the overwhelming silence. The only sounds were that of John's tiny snores drifting from the backseat. The clock on the dash read 4:16 a.m. in blue lit numbers.
Arriving, he stopped the car, continuing the silence as Kathleen prepared to open the passenger door. "There's probably nothing I can say to comfort you right now, nor is it my place but... I'll be praying for Amy and you and the baby. I do care about Amy even if she's not particularly fond of me." Kathleen declared, breaking the silence. "I care about you too. I hope everything goes okay." She stared at him but got no response.
Climbing out and preparing to close the door, "Thanks" He responded, diverting his eyes from the steering wheel to look at her, "Thank you for being there for George...and John."
Kathleen gave him a small smile, "Hug him tight, he's been through a lot."
"There you go buddy" He whispered to his sleeping son who was now laying comfortably on the sofa with Moose by his feet. Crouching down the floor and bringing his knees up to his chest, he began to silently cry.
She watched from afar as her son fell apart right next to her grandson. Treading lightly, she made a place next to him and grabbed his hand. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she stroked her thumb against his knuckles, watching in heartache as he cried; the tears hitting the denim of his jeans.
"You don't always have to hold it together for everyone… you know that… right?" Nora remarked, watching as he did his best to try and hide the tears cascading down his jaw.
He stared at her with glassy red eyes, "If I don't hold it together for him -" he pointed to John, sleeping and snoring with innocence, "then who will?"
Nora moved closer, resting her head on his shoulder. "He doesn't deserve to know this kind of pain, mom; the kind of pain that comes with knowing his mom almost died while giving birth to his baby sister. Or that his baby sister might not get to come home with us." He cried, "He's too young and too innocent for heartbreak. He doesn't deserve any of this."
"Neither do you. And neither does Amy or that baby… but you can't bottle up what you're feeling… it's not healthy."
"My whole life has been unhealthy, why should this make a difference?" He snapped quietly, sniffling, "Isn't this what guys like me get? I hurt so many people that now it's my turn?"
She shook her head, "It doesn't work like that"
"It's not fair mom" Ricky mumbled under his breath, "It's just not fair"
"I know" Nora whispered, running a hand through his messy curls. She kissed his head gently before getting up and departing.
He looked at John again, this time staring intently on the way his eyes fluttered in dreams; his little fingers flexing in sleep. Positioning both legs to the side of his body, and scooting closer to the sofa, Ricky rested his head next to John's; letting the thick blonde locks brush against his tear stained cheek as he kissed his son's head.
"love you buddy" He whispered, "always", closing his eyes.
Two days had passed since everything had happened.
Amy remained in the hospital, being aided all day and night by her dad. Ricky remained to his compact schedule of working evening shifts and attending classes in the morning. That Wednesday was his English final, and while it was an important exam, there had been no time to study, nor did he feel like studying. His professor had been very understanding in the matter - having lost a child to prematurity earlier on in her life - she understood what it was like and agreed to let him delay the exam as long as he needed. But he didn't want to do that so she allowed him to take it with him to finish whenever he could.
Dr. Travis had informed both Amy and Ricky about his plans of care for their daughter. She was still very sick and any form of contact by outsiders could be deadly to her very underdeveloped and weak immune system; all visits were postponed until the 48 hours of isolated treatment took effect and were over.
Today was that day.
"I just think it would benefit you to talk to someone" Jack muttered, reaching for the handle of his stale cup of coffee.
"Why? I said I didn't want to talk about it! And I don't want to talk about it!" Ricky snapped, irritated that Jack of all people would even remotely think he understood his situation. He rubbed his face, trying to shake the exhaustion off, "Just leave me alone!"
Clementine and Adrian both came to the table, sitting in the vacant seats adjacent to the guy's, "Is everything okay?" Clementine asked
Ricky shook his head, averting his eyes to focus solely on his hand fidgeting against the table. "I've gotta go" He shot up, throwing his backpack over his shoulder. Everyone looked at him, confusion of their faces. He stuck his hands out, "I just - I can't do this right now", and departed.
"Is he okay?" Clementine asked again, swinging her leg under the table
Adrian took a sip of coffee, flipping her hair out of her eyes, "He's probably just going through some stuff with Amy, he'll be fine"
Resting his cup back on the table Jack shook his head, "No Adrian that's not - well it is a bit true - but that's not what he's upset about"
"Well don't just stare" Adrian scolded, "tell us!" He was silent. "Tell us!"
"You really didn't know?"
"Know what?" Clementine furrowed her brow
"About Amy?"
Adrian sighed, annoyed, "Jack everyone knows about Amy that's not ne-"
"No Adrian I meant what happened to Amy." He cut her off, "Amy and the baby…."
"What?" Both girls said in unison
"Grace told me Amy hemorrhaged and almost died from all the blood loss"
Clementine's hand went to her mouth, "Oh my God…"
"It gets worse." Jack continued, "Amy was 7 weeks early and had to go into emergency surgery after the baby was born. Their baby isn't strong enough to fight off the infection it has. It-" He paused, gulping down another swig of stale coffee, "It might not survive"
It was silent for a moment as everyone at the table looked at each other before looking down. "I um - I have to -" Adrian stammered, knocking the table with her bag as she stood up quickly.
Clementine brushed her arm, urging her back into the chair, "Adrian...sit down for a sec"
Adrian yanked away, fighting back the tears starting to form into her glassy eyes, "No! I have to - I just have to go"
"Isn't there anything they can do?" Clementine questioned, gripping the pot of coffee she was holding tighter.
"According to Grace they're trying a bunch of medications" Jack explained
She exhaled slowly, wiping an imaginary crumb off the tables surface, "Poor Ricky…"
Come on Ames… will you just walk downstairs with me?" George begged, pacing around in a circle next to the bed.
"No!" She snapped, "No I want to stay here"
"The doctor said you need to start moving. It's not good for you to just lie down all day, especially after surgery."
"Why can't everyone just leave me alone?"
"Because we're worried about you" He shouted, startling her.
"Well don't be, alright? I can take care of myself" burrowing further inside the covers, Amy rolled her eyes.
"Just because you say that doesn't make it true." George pointed out, sitting on the edge of the bed by her feet, "You need help. Let us help you"
"I don't need help and I don't want help. I can figure things out by myself!" She barked, rolling over onto her left side. The phone resting on the table buzzed loudly, "who is it now?"
He picked up the phone, "Your mom wants to come see you"
"Tell her no"
"Ames shes your moth-"
"I said tell her no!" Amy hissed, "I don't want to see anyone right now, okay? Can you just give me that?" She wiped a tear from her cheek, "The only people I want to see aren't here, so I don't want anyone else!"
George sighed, patting her hand, "John is okay"
"Yeah well he's not here and I want him to be" She bit her bottom lip, "...but not like this"
"What about Ricky?" He mumbled, "Ricky is worried about you" stroking his thumb across her ring finger where the gold band had been removed temporarily. "Will you just call him; talk to him, tell him you're okay?"
"I can't."
"Amy just -"
"You didn't see the pain in his eyes!" Amy screamed, letting the tears fall from her eyes, "You didn't see the anger and hurt he was feeling! It's not fair to him that this is happening..."
"That's not your fault"
"Yes it is! It's my fault that I completely blew off his pleading to take it easy! It's my fault that I went out by myself! It's my fault that I didn't tell him that I was having pains throughout the day and it's my fault I almost left him without a wife and a child!" She sniffled.
"But you didn't! You're still here, the baby is still here" George remarked
"But for how long? We don't know if she's going to pull through dad. What if she…" She began to weep, wailing into her hands.
"Stop" He demanded, "We'll cross that bridge when - and if - we get there...but for now you need to focus on you."
"It's kind of hard to focus on me while my baby is dying!" Wrapping both arms around her, he kissed the top of her head, letting his own tears hit her dark locks as loud, hiccuping, sobs escaped her thin body, causing it to shake.
He shot up from the chair he was occupying, "No luck. Same as earlier" George shook his head, resting a gentle hand on his son-in-laws shoulder, "How are you doing?"
He shook his head, "I don't want to talk about this right now"
"You gotta talk to somebody" George huffed, wrinkling his brow.
"No I don't!" Ricky snapped louder than he intended. Taking in a deep breath and releasing it, "I don't, okay?"
"Amy's having some blood work done….if you were going to see her" He stayed silent. " I'm going to get some coffee."
Once George was gone, he turned to the right, resting his throbbing head against the cool metal of the vending machine.
The door to the waiting area opened with a slow creak.
"Ricky?" Came a low, familiar voice, "I heard… how is she?" His body didn't move, knowing who the voice belonged to. "I um - this is for the baby" She stretched out her hand; gripping the small elephant stuffed animal by it's waist. His eyes averted slightly to look at the gift. "How are you?" Clementine asked once seeing his face, the pain evident.
"We'll be back for more later" A thin blonde nurse with braces declared, running a cotton ball against her arm to remove the small droplets of blood.
Getting up, she ventured towards the door frame, having heard his voice while being examined. Slowly, she creeped into the hallway, gripping the IV pole by it's cold metal. Making it about 3 feet, she gasped.
There stood Clementine.
Too sore and tired to push forward, she watched from afar as his lips moved at rapid speed; she could his face contorting so she knew he was crying. Clementine's back was to her, but she could already tell what she was doing there - sympathy. What she saw next made her breath hitch: He'd stopped talking as the caramel blonde's arms wrapped around him,; embracing him in a tight hug against her; his chin rested on her shoulder.
Having seen enough, Amy started to cry, quickly, and painfully, shuffling back to her room. Going into the bathroom, she looked at her reflection in the mirror, the image staring back none too pleasant.
Her heart ached for a sense of comfort. She missed John so much it was tearing her apart, and she couldn't hold her daughter at all, which only made the pain worse. Ricky had come to see her and now he's seeking comfort from someone else.
You'll never be good enough A silent voice traveled through her mind. Staring back at the mirror, she saw a person she didn't recognize staring back. He's found comfort in another the voice barked again.
It's all your fault. Ricky will never forgive you for what you've done to his child. If only you'd listened to him when he told you to take it easy...
You've got no one. You're all alone…
"Stop…" her lip quivered
She's comforting his pain now
"SHUT UP!" Amy yelled, as her hands braced the corners of the sink; head bowed down. As the taunting thoughts raved and ripped their way through her mind, she started to cry, heavy tears rolling down her face. "SHUT UP!" She yelled again, raising her head to stare back up into the mirror. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"
Bang.
Her hands slammed the mirror, cracking it's once perfect surface.
He loved you. He loved you regardless, and now look… the taunting voice bellowed.
Bang. Another hard blow sent the cracks upward, breaking apart and sending shards everywhere.
Staring blankly at the now shattered ruin and backing up against the wall with her head in her hands, she crumpled to the floor. What had she done.
The wailing of a broken and battered heart bellowed from the floor, as the faucet above let off it's annoying drips. It was like that for a good 5 minutes or so before she looked up, staring blankly at the broken mirror again. The glass was everywhere, lying in ruin on the shiny tiled floor. A few more silent seconds passed.
Without thinking, as the bellowing and wailing continued, Amy reached for a discarded piece of glass perched at an angle near her foot; it's edges as sharp as a razor blade as it poked at her thin fingers.
Twirling it in her fingers, her mind shut off, forgetting everything but the pain and sorrow she was feeling in that moment. The thin shard was still poking at the flesh, drawing tiny drops of blood. Was this what it was like to go crazy with pain? She thought. Somewhere, in the back of her subconscious, was a screaming voice trying to beat it's way past the fog; beating and banging to prevent what was next. Was this what it was like to give up?
Choking on the tears, she drew in a shaky breath; dragging the discarded piece of ruin against her skin slowly, scratching the surface. The pain wasn't intense, it didn't radiate until there was no feeling left, it simply was dull, he type she felt when John's bed ripped at her bare legs if she hit it just right. Another shaky breath pressed the glass deeper, ripping at the once smooth sealed skin.
STOP! A voice hollered from the back of her mind, but it was too late.
Her screams filled the small space as the tears blurred her vision; the flesh of her wrist sealed just seconds ago, now broken.
The door to the room flew open as a panicked scream erupted from the other side; the eyes piercing into her making her limbs go numb.
His face was filled with fear and anger as he gazed from the shattered remnants of the mirror, to the broken woman he loved wailing and whimpering on the floor. "HELP!" He yelled loudly, rushing to the doorway to alert someone in the hall.
"R-R-ick-yyy" She sputtered, reaching out for him with the other hand, a mixture of every emotion playing into her face.
Racing back to her aid, he stayed silent; watching in shock and horror as the blood oozed out of the wound in the sensitive part of her wrist. Using his hands to press it tightly against her gown, Ricky removed his red flannel, wrapping it tightly to apply pressure to the bloody cut. He helped her up, slowly allowing her legs to guide themselves to keep up with him. "Stay there" He instructed as he sprinted out the door.
A few moments later the room flooded with nurses, each taking a body part in their hands to examine. "Ricky…" Amy choked with pleading eyes.
Ricky, avoiding those pleading eyes, had backed towards the doorway, maneuvering his feet in one direction, and that direction, was out the door.
"What the hell was that?" Ricky barked, turning to face the white coat to his right.
Dr. Davis followed him out the door, "Calm down..."
Ricky raised his hands in the air, angry, "No I won't calm down! What the hell made Amy do that?"
"After you left Tuesday morning, Dr. Owens called me to run some test on Amy." Dr. Davis started, using his hands while speaking, "Amy has postpartum depression. It most likely started after she was diagnosed with Placenta Previa and just spun on from there, unknown to anyone."
"What does that mean?" Ricky questioned, pulling at the curls attached to his head, "Are you telling me she just up and got depressed in the matter of a few days?"
"No. She's been suffering for awhile based upon the tests we ran." He shook his head, pocketing a pen, "When a person develops depression, it's most often caused by a sense of feeling helpless. In Amy's case she was made to sit home all day for the remainder of her pregnancy; isolating her from the social outside world. As time went on, her body began to get down, depressing her without her full knowledge"
Looking at Ricky's angered and confused expression, he sighed, "I gave Amy a prescribed antidepressant after the test results came back positive for postpartum depression."
His eyes grew wide, "Wait a minute...You're saying she's on pills?" Ricky snapped, "And the pills made her do that?"
"They didn't make her, but they aided in the thought." Dr. Davis cleared his throat, "When an antidepressant is administered, they have side effects. Being as there is a mixture of medical medications inside her body and now this one, it was expected for some of the more hidden side effects to come out. This was one of them."
"Bupropion - an antidepressant safest for after childbirth - has a side effect of out of control actions along with anxiety. Something must have set her off in the last 24 to 36 hours, making the irrationality of breaking a mirror the out of control action with the cutting along with it." He explained, blinking a few times.
"Take her off of them then!" Ricky demanded, twisting the wedding band around his finger, "Now!"
Dr. Davis shook his head, "I can't. Taking someone off of a medication sometimes causes more damage than keeping them on it. We have to let the medication work it's way out of her system before taking her off of it."
"Great" He spat, "That's just fucking great!"
Blinking a few more times to relieve some of the tension building up in his body, Dr. Davis lowered his hands, "If anymore behavior like that spikes, we'll administer a drug to counteract it immediately. Until then, she'll stay on it." Raking a hand through his thinning hair, he exhaled, "Amy's suffered a great amount of trauma in the last 72 hours, and that takes a lot out of a person, and with the current situation surrounding your infant, it's taking an even bigger toll on her."
"Why wasn't I informed about any of this?" Ricky hissed through clenched teeth, balling his fists up against his sides
"Legally, the hospital doesn't need your permission to take care of your wife; it's your child that you have full say in. As long as Amy is in her right mind and alert of her whereabouts, she has full say in what does or doesn't happen to her."
"Where is she now?" He asked a little more calmer, "When can I see her?"
"Right now, I've got Dr. Bryan in there. He's the hospital psychologist. Amy's being examined for any psychological problems to see if she's suicidal or if the incident in the bathroom was just a side effect. If Dr. Bryan seeks further evaluation, Amy will be monitored under tight supervision for a 24-48 hour period. If not, she'll be cleared." Dr. Davis exclaimed, shoving a clipboard under his arm and walking away.
Ricky blew air from his cheeks, dragging his right hand across his face, "Great"
His feet slapped the tile as they bounded down the hallway, "Did you know?" He yelled aloud to the figure sipping coffee a few feet away from his face
"Know what?" George asked, taking a sip
He shook his head angrily, "Don't! Okay just don't. Did you know that your daughter is on pills? Did you know the doctors are giving her antidepressants and that she just slit her wrist with a piece of broken glass?!" He seethed, "Did you?!"
George stood up, angry, "No!"
"What do you mean, no? You've been in the room with her since I left. You've been with her all day and night. How could you not know?"
"When the doctor's came in Amy asked me to step out; said she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. I tried to stay but she's not a kid anymore, she has the say of who can be with her." George huffed, "I was there when Dr. Travis came in to introduce himself, but Amy wanted privacy after that. What was I supposed to do?"
His eyes were menacing,"You should have called me!" Ricky roared, slapping the coffee cup out of George's hand, onto the ground.
"It would have done no good. Amy controls this situation!" George shot back, reaching to pick up the ruined beverage. "What are we gonna do?" He asked, throwing the trash into a trash can.
He stared him in dead in the face with a deadpanned expression "You can do whatever the hell you want and Amy can do the same. But me? I'm going to see my daughter!" Shaking his head again, Ricky's shoes thumped hard against the floor as he bounded away in a fit of rage.
Watching him, George took out his phone and pushed three buttons, "I need a favor..."
"Everything looks good for now, try to refrain from anymore incidents." Dr. Bryan scolded, jotting down a few sentences, before pushing the glasses on his face up to the bridge of his nose. A knock caused them both to turn, sending a disgusted expression to Amy's face. "Well I'll leave you to your visitor then" Brushing past the guest, he smiled and departed.
"What did you come here to gloat?" Amy scoffed, irritated by the presence of the dark haired figure standing in the doorway.
"I can't believe you of all people would say that considering what happened to Mercy!" Adrian snapped, hurt, sauntering into the room, and fighting back a few tears.
She sighed, "I'm sorry" looking up to meet her enemy's dark eyes, "But why did you come?"
"I came because I heard what happened and forgive me, but I was worried about you" Adrian took a seat on the edge of the bed, laying a hand on Amy's shoulder, "How you holding up?"
She shook her head, "I'm losing it...first the fight, then the delivery, and now this…" raising the bandaged arm up.
Adrians eyes grew wide, "What happened?"
"I don't know what came over me… I saw - her h-hugging him and I - I just…"
"Wait, who was hugging who?" Adrian asked
"C-Clementine hugged R-Ricky" She sputtered, starting to shake, "I saw it when I was coming into the hallway to talk to him. She - she put her hands on his shoulder, and wrapped her arms around him."
"That was it. After everything I've been through these past few days, that was what broke me. A hug. A hug between someone and my husband. Someone that wasn't me had their arms around the man I love to give him the comfort I deprived him of. That was all I had left. He was the only thing I had left..." Taking in a few giant gulps of air, Amy averted her eyes to the white gauze cemented to her arm.
"So I went into the bathroom, and I looked into the mirror at the mocking image staring back saying I'd never be good enough for him… I just… I lost it…." She feel against Adrian's side, choking on tears. "The mirror broke and glass was everywhere… the piece on the floor…." Adrian patted her gently, wrapping an arm around her shoulders in comfort.
"I just wanted to feel something. Anything. Anything but pain and sorrow!" She wept, biting the inside of her cheek, drawing some blood.
Adrian titled her head down to meet Amy's eyes, "And do you?"
"No… I feel worse! Ricky is never going to forgive me!" Amy cried, covering her face with her hands.
"That's not true"
"Yes it is!" She whispered through tears
"No it's not." Adrian replied, "Look Ricky may be an asshole at times, but he loves you. And no matter what you do or what you say, he'll never stop. He chose you to be his wife… those vows mean something to him, Amy. He won't throw that away just for a moment of thoughtlessness and weakness."
Taking in the words of her enemy, Amy began to chuckle, lightly filling the room with giggles. "You know I never would have expected this from you of all people."
Adrian began to laugh, "I know, right? What kind of enemy's are we anyways?" She squeezed Amy against her side, in a moment of friendliness.
"Thank you" Amy mumbled as she broke apart from the girl dressed in blue.
Adrian gave her another small little smile before standing up. Stopping a few inches from the door, she turned around, "Go be with your baby. I never got the chance, so savor the opportunity and be thankful for it, even if it's just for a second."
Amy nodded in understanding, wiping a tear from her face as she spoke, "I'm sorry…"
Adrian shook her head, threading her hands together against her waist, "Don't be. Sometimes I wonder why it had to happen but….maybe it had to be this way. Maybe I had to lose Mercy so she could be a guardian angel to your baby" Her lip wobbled, wiping away a few stray tears rolling down her cheek, "…maybe…. fate wanted it that way"
"Come on! Come off already!" Ricky yelled, scrubbing his hands roughly under the burning water of the hospital faucet. Trying to no avail to remove all the red staining his palms. Blood; her blood; the blood of the wound she sliced open, stuck to the flesh of his hands like an adhesive glue, refusing to vanish no matter how much scrubbing he did.
Continuing to scrub until his hands were turning a bright red and becoming raw under the harsh antibacterial soap, he stopped. He stilled, looking at his reflection in the mirror before going to the shiny gold wedding band on his finger. Sucking in a few deep breaths, his hands started to shake, before they smacked hard against the paper towel dispenser, spitting out a string of brown sandpaper paper towels.
The door opened slowly, "Ricky…." Margaret whispered seeing her son so disheveled. Ricky said nothing, just wrapped his arms tightly against his mother and cried. She held him for several minutes, the sounds of his pain breaking her heart.
"I almost lost them!" He sobbed into her shoulder, "Amy almost died!" His body shook against hers, "Why? Why this? Why now?"
She patted his back "It'll be alright"
"N-no it-it w-won't!" He sputtered, gripping his mother tighter, "She's so...so s-small! Too tiny! Too fragile!"
"Shhh, just breathe"
Obeying he began taking deep, calming, breaths; inhaling and exhaling slowly and steadily. "Can I ask you a favor?" Ricky asked after a few deep, cleansing breaths slipped from his lips.
Margaret nodded, patting the back of his neck in their embrace, "Anything"
Squeezing her just a bit tighter, he fought back the lump forming in his throat, "Will you...will you go with me to meet my daughter?"
Seven. That's how many incubators were in the room. Seven beds. Seven babies. Seven young lives that haven't even began yet. Seven infants who've never gotten to feel their parent's embrace. Seven children lying sick. And one of them, was his.
"I c-can't d-do t-this. I - I changed my mind..." He stuttered, standing behind the outer glass of the room, watching all the little babies in the NICU before laying eyes on one in the corner; the pink place card attached reading Girl Underwood 4lbs 9oz.
He made a vow before going to the site that he would go in there and let her know who he was; hear his voice and feel his touch, just to know she was loved. But his feet wouldn't budge.
"You can do this." Margaret urged, taking hold of his hand, "I'm right here" Feeling her touch, he nodded; slowly putting one foot in front of the other until they were fully inside the room.
A nurse handed them each a yellow pair of scrubs, the thin material keeping the germs from the babies. Her incubator rested 6 feet from the entrance, by a little corner decorated with a painting of a lion. His legs wouldn't move; frozen to the ground as his eyes saw all the machinery.
Margaret squeezed his hand, "It's okay"
Standing there for several minutes, the strength slowly came back into his body, allowing his once frozen legs to move again until they were mere inches away from the spot.
His heart felt as if it had exploded in that moment, as the monitors gave off their steady rhythm of beeps. Putting a hand to his face, he began to weep. The monitors, wires and tubes were all hooked up to one thing - her. His little baby laid there under the warmth of a single bulb illuminating the casing; like a sixth grade science experiment. Only this wasn't' an egg waiting to be hatched, it was his child.
The ventilator was causing her small little chest to rise and fall slowly, pushing air into her underdeveloped lungs. While, what he assumed to be a feeding tube, was placed with tape to her mouth; her little lips matching the pale of her face.
"Just breathe...you can do this" She patted his back slowly, before wiping away a tear from her cheek.
With jittery and shaky hands, he placed them on the glass; feeling it's cold substance with his fingertips. "Hey there…" Taking in a gulp of air, his lip wobbled, "Hi baby it's uh - it's daddy… your grandma's here to see you too"
Lifting the latch of the slot closest to his torso, he opened it up, sliding his left index finger inside the web of her tiny, fragile palm. "I just want you to know that I love you…" Tears crept down his jawline as it lay, unmoving, against his skin. "Me and mommy… we just want you to know that."
She was so small; so tiny and fragile, yet so beautiful, and although she wouldn't respond to his touch, Ricky brushed her tiny finger with his as his tears hit the casing around her. "Me and mommy need you to get better okay? You gotta let this medicine and these nice doctors make you better, okay?" He sniffled, "You gotta let it make you strong so that you can come home to - to your family…"
With his forehead now pressed firmly against the glass, he braced the incubator, wracking with heaving sobs, "Please baby… please do that for me… please…" he begged, pleading in silence with his daughter unresponsive to his voice in front of him.
Margaret braced both hands on his shoulders, squeezing and patting in an attempt to comfort her devastated son, all while trying to keep her sobs quiet. "It's all going to be alright" She sniffled, stroking the back of his head.
"Are you sure?" A voice asked from the other side of the room.
He looked up, the sight in front of his eyes making his knees go weak. There stood Amy, dressed in yellow.
Margaret took both hands off Ricky's shoulders, knowing that her time with him was up and that this reunion needed to be just the three of them.
"Mom…" He tried to protest, but she shook her head and gave him the look he knew all too well - it was the look of independence telling him that this was the time to depart. She touched his shoulder gently before walking over to her injured daughter-in-law, taking her hand to guide her.
Amy - with the help of Margaret - started taking shaky footsteps, gritting her teeth against the pain coursing through her body, until she was just inches from his face. His eyes wandered over her figure, searching for a sign as to why she would be there now. But he never got to ask because she threw herself against him, sobbing into his chest.
"I-m s-so s-s-sorryyy" She sputtered, saliva mixing in with tears staining her lips as she spoke. "I need you! I need this! I need us!" Her voice was raspy, cracking with sadness. "I need all of it. I can't- I can't do it w-without y-y-ouu"
Lifting her arms as high as the IV would allow, Amy wrapped them around his waist, breathing in the comforting scent of his body as she buried her head deeper into his chest. "I need you, Ricky..." She whimpered, clutching the yellow scrubs tightly in her fists. His face became gentle as his arms reciprocated, wrapping tightly around her thin and wounded body.
They stood in each other's embrace for several seconds, just breathing in the glory of each other's company. Just being in each other's presence was enough to find a sense of peace; enough for the pain and the sorrow to flee, vanish in that single, tender moment.
"And you have me..." Ricky whispered against her hair, kissing it softly, "Promise"
It was silent for a few more seconds. "I think there's someone you need to meet…" Ricky spoke softly, breaking their embrace.
She looked up to his tear stained face, "I..."
"Can" He continued, stepping back a few centimeters and taking her hand, "I'm right here, we're in this together. For better and for worse"
Stepping back a few more centimeters, Amy's hands went to her mouth; tears like rain falling fast and hard down her pale face, as she saw all the monitors, wires and tubes hooked up to the small life she had carried within her for so many months.
Placing her fingertips against the glass, she sniffled, "Hey there…" her voice was gentle; the same gentle tone she used when John was distressed. "Remember me? I'm your mommy…"
Fighting back the lump in her throat from choking her, Amy braced Ricky's muscular arm for strength and balance, "She's so beautiful…" she whispered, sliding her hand along the cold glass.
His lip twitched up into a small smile as his hand rested gently on the small of her back; kissing her temple lovingly, "Just like her mommy."
So...what did you think? Please let me know your thoughts on this chapter in a review, I really want your feedback as I start typing out the final 2 of this installment. :)