Sharon grasped the door handle, took a deep breath, and pulled.
Bucky was seated on the floor, crossed legged, his back to the wall. There was a perfectly comfortable chair in his room but for some reason he always seemed to prefer to sit on the floor. Perhaps, she thought sadly, he wasn't used to be comfortable. He rose to his feet as she entered.
There was a pause, as there usually was (he wasn't used to speaking first, he was used to being spoken too) and then he said, "Yes? Am I'm a late for a session? I thought I didn't have anything this morning."
"No. No I needed to talk to you about something. Something has come up. Of course if you need to speak to someone you can, we have a doctor on standby, but, I thought you should know. You have a right to know." She knew she was beating about the bush but she was nervous. There's been a lot of debate about whether or not to tell him but the cold hard fact of the matter was they didn't have a choice. He was going to find out and if he learned they'd been keeping it from him than any hope they had of gaining his trust would be obliterated. And after everything he'd been through, once you lost his trust you were never getting it back.
"What?" he was eying her warily, as if preparing for some twist, a change in the script, anything to show that they didn't really want to help him, that they were just going to use him as everyone else had done before.
"Maybe you should sit down?" Even as she said it, it sounded stupid. After everything he'd been through, having to sit down for shocks probably wasn't necessary at this point.
"What is it?" he asked again, tensing.
"Look, I have something to tell you, something's online. I don't know how it got there or who put it there. For all I know it's not even real." But that was a lie. They'd already run the handwriting through their system and the computer said it was a match for Barnes. "And I thought you should know about it."
Now he was looking confused, at least that was better than on edge. When the Winter Soldier was on edge in the same room as you, it took all your training not to go into fight or flight mode yourself. "What are you talking about?"
"Some journals have been released online," she explained, "claiming to be yours."
There was a long, heavy silence. She saw in his eyes the moment he realized, the moment he connected the dots, and her heart broke for him. It wasn't that she could see any of the emotion he must be feeling, but she could see that it was true. They were his journals. And no matter what the computers said there'd been that sliver of hope inside her that it was all wrong, that they weren't his. But now she knew they were, beyond any shadow of a doubt, and she broke for the man. She had read them. Of course she'd known before some of the hell he'd been through, but this, seeing it put down in his own handwriting…
Every line in those journals had dripped self-loathing and self-revulsion and self-hatred. She wanted to reach out and hug him and tell him it was all wrong. None of this was on him. But it wouldn't do any good.
"I want to see them," he said flatly.
She blinked. "Are you sure?"
He nodded curtly.
She handed over a tablet. "Do you want me to get someone to talk to? I know this has to be a shock but it doesn't change anything. I know having all of this out there must be hard, it must be worse than hard, it must be impossible, but we want to help you. I want to help you."
"I want to be left alone," he said curtly, and sat down, the tablet in hand, and started scrolling.
"Bucky…" she said tentatively.
But he didn't look up. He didn't even seem to register that he heard her.
Quietly she left the room.
Why? Why?
As Bucky kept scrolling through the journals on the tablet, he kept asking himself that question.
As soon as Sharon had told him about it, his brain had started connecting the dots. He knew where he'd left them. He knew who had to have taken them. HYDRA did this, but why? What did they hope to gain? Did they know he'd turned himself in? Did they hope somehow, exposing everything he'd done, that they'd turn the Avengers and CIA against him? But there were enough stories and rumors already out there about the Winter Soldier. The CIA had already known what they were getting into, Steve knew what he was getting into…so why?
He kept scrolling. The answer had to be there. This had to be some kind of message. This had to be about him. But what was it?
Page after page, bloody deed after bloody dead flashed before his eyes but he kept skimming, he kept looking-
And then he stopped cold.
On one page, tucked in a corner, he saw something he hadn't written. It was nothing more than a name… Nicholai.
He scanned the page and knew instantly which notebook it had come from. The green one. Brock's. And he knew what it meant. He knew what it had to mean. And he knew what he had to do.
Less than thirty minutes later, a car pulled up at the facility's parking lot at the same time as Steve's motorcycle. Steve kicked the motorbike's stand down and glanced at the car, recognizing it.
The car door swung open and Tony stepped out, pulling off his shades.
For a moment the two men stood, staring at each other.
Steve was the one to break the silence. "What are you doing here?"
"Probably the same as you," said Tony with a coolness that grated on Steve's nerves.
"I'm here to see Bucky."
"Me too."
Steve hesitated. "Look, I don't blame you for being angry at me. I wouldn't blame you if you hit me again or threw me out. I should have told you. I know I hurt you, Tony. I guess I thought by not telling you about your parents I was sparing you, but I can see now that I was really sparing myself, and I'm sorry. But I can't let you take out that hurt on Bucky. I know from where you're standing it doesn't seem that way, but he's innocent in this. He's a victim too."
Tony raised an eyebrow. "You think I'm here to take a swing at Barnes?"
"Aren't you?"
"Actually," said Tony, pulling a newly copied house key out of his pocket and tossing it to Steve. "I'm here to renew my offer that he move into Avenger Tower."
Steve stared at the key in his hand. "You're kidding?"
"I at least think it's a conversation that should be reopened. Guessing he said no the last time because he knew I didn't have all the facts, this time I do. So maybe he'll change his mind." Steve turned his gaze to stare at him. "Look," continued Tony with a sigh, "I've been up all night and already had a lecture from Clint, so I'm not in the mood for a long heart to heart here, okay? By the way have you ever had one of Clint's heart to hearts? That man is unbearably right. It's really annoying. Anyways I'm still ticked off at you and Natasha, and I'm not saying I'm keen on Barnes or him moving in. I'm not okay with any of this. But I am a genius remember? Thinking intellectually is my thing. And I know he needs help and he didn't want to do the things HYDRA made him do. So why can't he and I work through this under one roof? Seems only fair."
"I…thank you Tony. And I a truly am sorry. I should have told you."
"Yeah, I know you are. Come on, let's go tackle Barnes together."
The two headed towards the building and into the lobby.
"What's going on?" asked Tony, stopping as they entered, looking around in confusion.
There was an entire SWAT team in the lobby, and Sharon was pacing, talking rapidly into a phone. As soon as she caught sight of them she hung up and hurried over.
"What's going on?" asked Steve.
"It's Bucky, I'm so sorry Steve, I screwed up. He's gone."