Since you have been such sweethearts with me I decided to just give you the rest of the story. Yup, that means that it is Complete now. And let me be honest, this is the second story that I catually finished and I couldn't have done it without you. You kept me going and going. Thank you!!!
BPOV
The rays of sunshine woke me up. As I tried to get up, I felt my body heavy and weak. I couldn't remember why I felt this way at first, but then it hit me like a lightening bolt. It didn't hurt as much as before though. I seemed to be through with the shock and now all that was left was my hollow heart. I noticed I had left the TV on last night and went to turn it off.
I got up from bed and went to take a shower. Normally the warm water would make me feel better, but right now I was so numb, it didn't make a hell of a difference. I just let the water hit my body and take the pain in my body away. When I got out and saw myself in the mirror I recognized the same ghost in my reflection. My eyes were still the same as before, my skin was as pale as ever, and my lips were dry. I washed my face thorough fully to try and look better. When I got back home I didn't want Charlie to notice I was crying; that would worry him a lot and I didn't need that right now.
I packed my stuff in my bag and left. I made sure I stopped at an Ihop close by and ate. The food lost its appeal to me and I only ate to satisfy my stomach. I really didn't want to be near people and the waitress was way to cheery for my own good. As soon as I was gone I paid and left without a single word. The waitress might think I was one of those bitches that hated to wake up early, but I didn't care.
Charlie was gone by the time I came back. He must think I was still in Seattle, which gave me extra time to pack my stuff. I wanted to get out of Forks as soon as possible. I know this would hurt Charlie a lot, but maybe I just wasn't meant to stay here.
It didn't take me long to put things together and it was still early by the time I was done. I looked around my room and felt the wave crash over me. I fell to the ground and started weeping. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to be far from him but at the same time I had to go. My heart couldn't decide and my mind kept on fighting against it. Finally I decided I had to leave the house for a while. I may not want to be around too many people, but I did need a certain someone. I just hoped he was available right now.
I drove to La Push with the intent of telling Jake everything and turning him down and luckily he wasn't doing anything at the very moment, so he was free to see me. We walked for while in the beach, side by side.
"You already decided, didn't you?" he asked me. He read my mind like he always did. I flinched at his words. It wasn't as if I just chose Edward. All I did was realize that I could never love Jake the way he deserved to be loved. All I had for him was a crush was dissipated with time. Now I was only able to see him as an overprotective brother; nothing else.
I stopped in my tracks and spoke. "Sorry Jake. But I can't….my feelings for you aren't strong enough. I know it's asking too much, but I still want to be your friend. I still need you" I answered him. My voice was so cold it scared me. The wind suddenly felt too cold to my skin and I held my arms crossed trying to warm myself. Jake came closer and held me in his arms. It was so warm here. I may not feel my heart beating, but I could feel the warmth in my body.
"Don't worry Bells. I'll always be there for you" he whispered.
After walking for a while, Jake took me to his shed, where he usually hid things, like his new bike. I started at it in surprise. I knew Jake craved the danger so it shouldn't be as surprising that he got himself a bike in the first place.
His question was what shocked me. "Want to ride with me?" he asked me. I took a step back and he understood my answer to be a no. I know I felt really shitty right now, but I wasn't about to risk my life in a dangerous endeavor like this one. I trusted Jake and I knew he was a good rider, I just didn't trust the damn bike. There was something that made it incredibly tempting though. As I saw the red shine and the bars, and the clutches, I realized I wanted to be the one to ride it.
I got closer to the bike until I could touch it and felt the leather on the seat and the metal handle bars. The motor roared to life and I realized Jake had already put the key in the ignition. The sound scared me a little and I flinched back. But when it dawned on me, I got closer again and actually got on. It felt good to be on top, and the sound of the motor just made it all the more exhilarating.
"Bells…you have to seat behind me. Just…hold on tight to me, okay?" Jake was telling me but I didn't move. He instantly knew what I meant. "Bells…you don't know how to ride this thing. You're going to get hurt" he warned me. I wanted to laugh at his words. Get hurt? News flash! I was already hurt and broken inside. The physical pain was never a problem for me. I lived for it. Call me a masochist, but pain just didn't affect me as much as other people. I constantly found ways of breaking a leg or spraining an ankle. I hated the fact that I was so clumsy. I would probably find a way of falling from the bike due to my clumsiness, but right now, I didn't care. I wanted to feel the speed and the wind blow against my hair.
Jake seemed to get the message and gave up. I thought he was going to turn off the ignition to keep me from killing myself in this thing, but he started to instruct me on how to ride to bike. He explained to me what all the parts did and how to stop it in case something went wrong. I felt thankful to him for his understanding. It had always been easy like this with him. He hated to argue with me so he normally just let me do whatever I wanted. It was like pampering me.
It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Of course at some point down the road I felt myself loose control of the bike and crashed against a railing but thankfully, neither the bike nor the railing hurt me. Jake was scared though, and he drove us back to the shed.
I was shocked to listen to the sound of my laughter when I came back. I didn't think I was capable of ever smiling again, much less laugh. But there it was. The laughter I always shared whenever I was with Jake.
"Geez woman! Did you hit your head with that railing back there? I think you lost it" Jake joked. I just kept on laughing like a dork which in turn made him laugh too.
The day had passed in a blur. I didn't even realize when nightfall came and I remembered why I had come in the first place. When the memories hit me again, I fell to the ground and started shivering. Jake kneeled beside me and held me in his arms like before. "Bells…what happened? Are you okay?" he asked me. I didn't want to utter the words that would make it all real. So I just shook my head and lied. I knew my smile came out all wrong and he didn't believe me. I was thankful that he didn't ask any more and just took me to my truck. "If you ever crave any company Bells… I'll always be here for you, okay?" he told me before I left.
Charlie was warming up some leftovers in the micro wave by the time I came back. "Hey dad. How was fishing?" I asked him.
"Oh! Very calm. How about Seattle? Did you find anything nice?" he asked back.
"Some stuff" I answered. Short sentences; that's the way I always talked to Charlie, using short sentences. I tried to find a way of telling him about Florida but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. After spending the day with Jake, I started to think about it, and now I didn't want to leave Forks. I did say I was a masochist, didn't I? Maybe seeing Edward with that girl again would be own way of inflicting self punishment. Besides, I couldn't leave Charlie and run away from all this. I had a life here. I had two good friends whom I loved with all my heart and one best friend who would be devastated if I left. And one last thing; Renee would have me friend and killed if she ever found out I moved in with her because of some buy problem. She always preached me about being strong and facing my problems.
By the end of the day I was decided. I was going to stay, even if it killed me.
School was its own usual boring self. Finals were getting close so the teachers started to review the contents we learned all throughout the school year. As was to be expected, Edward didn't show for class, yet again. This was a relief for me. I wasn't ready to see him just yet.
I tried to smile like I used to and hide my sadness from everyone else, however leave it to Alice and Rose to notice my anguish. I couldn't hide anything from them as much as I tried. After school was over for the day, Rose asked me to stop by her place to help her with some math problems. I tried to get myself out of this one but she won that fight.
Once we were alone in her room, she cornered me. "What happened to you Bella? Last time we talked you told me you were going to Seattle. I thought that it would make you feel better…" she was saying but then she stopped mid-sentence. "You didn't! You saw?" she asked me.
I looked at her with a confused expression. "Saw what?" I asked her. Did she know about Edward's new girlfriend already? Was she in Seattle that day?
"Edward" she answered simply.
Hearing that name made me start crying all over again and I remembered that scene in the mall again. Rose seemed to understand my reaction.
"I'm so sorry Bella. I wish you didn't have to see that" she comforted me.
It seemed like lately all I did was cry and cry. Every move I made, every little thing I did, every place that I went to, it all reminded me of Edward and it killed me inside. I wanted to avoid this pain so badly but in the end I lost. I let my guard down and got burned in the process.
The weeks started to pass in a blur. I lost my focus and I didn't know where I was anymore. I wasn't as cheerful as before and I was completely ignoring my friends. It was as if part of me was left behind and all that was left was a soulless body. I couldn't feel anything anymore. I wasn't sad or happy, I just was neutral. I think the sock of what happened worn itself out.
Edward also started to show up in school again, and sometimes I saw him with his new girl. I thought this would hurt me and make me want to fall apart, however, I remained calm. Watching him with someone else didn't bring any pain at all. It was as if nothing ever happened between the two of us.
When he walked down the halls, neither of us recognized the other. It wasn't that we were ignoring each other; we were just acting as complete strangers now. You can consider it to be childish but this was my way of coping. I wasn't going to break down and cry in front of Edward Cullen. I had too much pride for that.
One afternoon, I was cleaning the kitchen when I heard the doorbell. It was the weekend so I wasn't expecting anyone to come up for a visit. I knew Alice and Rose were out shopping with Jasper and Emmett. So it surprised me a bit to hear someone ringing the doorbell. I ran to the door, almost tripping with the vacuum cleaner in the process. When I opened the door I landed in someone's arms. When I looked at the person, I felt as if my world were crashing on top of me over again. I instantly let go and backed away.
Edward seemed just as uncomfortable as I was. "Sorry to scare you like that. I can see you were busy, but this won't take long. Can we talk?" he asked.
I really wanted to turn him down and close the door in his face. After everything he did, that the response he deserved from me. I couldn't bring myself to do that. I wanted to talk to him because I missed so much. I am sorry to say that I was weak around him now. Every natural response in my brain was ignored by my heart.
I let him in and led him to the living room. He didn't sit. So, it was really going to be short. I could handle it.
"Bella, I have been the worst friend to you lately. An for that I am terribly sorry. I wish thing didn't have to turn out this way. I was scared of breaking everything off with you because never during our moments together did I lie to you" he told me. I could see the honesty in his eyes.
"Then what changed? What made you want someone else? Was I not good enough?" I asked him. As much as I tried to hold back my tears, they were there. My throat felt so heavy and my heart was so painful, I thought I was going to explode.
"I….I fell for someone else. I'm sorry. I tried to want only you, but I was selfish. I'm sorry I hurt you" he said and left.
As soon as the door closed I fell on my knees and started weeping. It was really over now. The moment I fought so hard to avoid finally happened. I didn't care who heard me, I just cried my heart out.