-A-
Arnold prepared himself for the worst as he walked down the hallway with Gerald to his apartment he shared with Phoebe. Gerald slid the key into the lock, where it fell into place with a click. He turned the knob, and Arnold followed him inside. Arnold saw Phoebe sitting in one of their arm chairs, one elbow on her knee, propping up her chin with her hand, the other on the arm rest. She was fixated on the woman who sat, deflated and defeated, across her from her on the couch.
Lila looked absolutely terrible. She looked like she hadn't had a wink of sleep since the last time Arnold saw her, not to mention her eyes were red and raw from crying. She looked up when the boys came through the door, and the moment she laid eyes on Arnold, she burst into tears again. Arnold's throat tightened up, and he rubbed his forehead. God, what have I done?
Phoebe went over to the couch and wrapped her hand around Lila's elbow, pulling her slowly to her feet. "Here, why don't you two go to the dining room and chat. We'll leave you alone."
She lead the girl to the long wooden table and sat her down in one of the polished chairs. Arnold followed silently behind them and sat across from his once fiancé. Phoebe patted Lila's hair lovingly before heading over to her husband. Gerald looked frustrated, silently asking Phoebe why the hell they were letting them use their home for a post break-up conversation spot. She gave him a look, and he put his hands up defensively, as if she were pointing a gun at him. She smiled, and he smiled back, following her out of the room. When Arnold heard their bedroom door close with a quiet snap, he looked up at Lila. She had been staring at him the entire time. They sat in silence for a long time, neither one speaking up. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, Lila broke the silence.
"Oh Arnold," she said quietly through her tears. "How could you?"
"I'm sorry," Arnold whispered. He folded his hands on the table, holding them together tightly, trying to imagine Helga holding his hand, as if she could hold him together through this all. She could hold all the little pieces of him together. He was starting to feel guilty thinking about Helga when he should be talking this out with Lila.
"We were supposed to spend our lives together, Arnold," Lila continued through her tears. "We were supposed to grow old together, and you ruined that. You ruined our lives, and I can never forgive you for that."
"I know," Arnold said, his voice shaking. He was going to have a hard time keeping himself together.
"The crazy thing is, I still love you," Lila said with a laugh, as if she couldn't believe it either. "These past few days have been hell for me. I mean, I expected that, I really did, but I was angry at the time. It fueled me for a while, but then I realized how significant this is, Arnold. We aren't together anymore. We aren't we anymore."
"I know," Arnold whispered. He thought back to the last eight years he was with Lila. He was losing his control over his emotions as he remembered the beginning of their relationship, when everything was perfectly fine. They had fun together and they loved each other like only high school sweet hearts can.
He had to remind himself that, by the end, their relationship was not like that. He was too busy being a blissfully stupid teenager, and then an adult in a state of denial, to see their relationship changing. But now, sitting here, looking at the woman who was supposed to be his wife in what felt like a past life, it was hard to remember that. It was hard to remember the coldness and fake smiles when he remembered losing his virginity to her, and she to him. It was hard to remember the manipulation and the guilt trips when he remembered their first valentine's day together. Eight years is a long time, even if the last five were permeated with pain and lies from his end. Eight years is a lot of memories.
"You know and you're sorry? Is that all you can say to me?" Lila said, crying more heavily now. She cracked him.
"I don't know what else to say to you," Arnold said as quietly as he could. He didn't want Phoebe and Gerald to hear him crying. "I didn't want to hurt you, that's the last thing I ever wanted. I just… I was unhappy and—"
Lila jumped up from her chair, both hands flat on the table. "You were unhappy? Arnold, that's no excuse to cheat on me! You should have talked to me! You should have let me know so we could work it out together! You didn't let me in!"
"It's more complicated than that, Lila," He said, trying to get her to calm down. "It's deeper than that. I…I feel… I wanted us to work, I really did, and I tried too hard to push away the bad feelings I was having because I thought we were right together. I loved you so much through high school, and when you agreed to be my girlfriend, I was so thrilled. I wanted to hang on to that, so when things started to change, I tried to ignore them.
"We weren't meant to be together, and I see that now. But I was so convinced you were perfect for me that I did all I could to make that true. I don't know… we just aren't right for each other. I hope you can see that too at some point."
"What do you mean?" Lila said, her voice traveling up in octaves as her sadness and anger spilled over. "Of course we were perfect together! We had it all! I don't understand what you're talking about."
"That's kind of my point," Arnold said, putting his hands on his head, resting his elbows on the table. He laced his fingers through his hair, grabbing hold of the blonde locks in frustration. It was proving hard to make her understand him. "You don't know me anymore. And I don't know you. We want different things, I think. I mean, I know we want different things, and I don't think you will understand me… I don't think you can really understand my thinking because we are very different people."
"You never gave me a chance to understand you," Lila said, sitting down and crossing her arms over her stomach, as if the emotional pain was catching up physically. "I'm sure if you explained yourself to me, I'd understand. We may even want the same things in the end."
Arnold didn't want to do this with her. It felt wrong, like talking to a stranger about the deepest fears and darkest thoughts he had. "I guess for one example, you want kids and I don't."
"Yeah, I remember," Lila said bitterly. "Do you have a good reason for that?"
"It's just," he was feeling horribly guilty talking about this with her. This was a new kind of guilt, a guilt that was harder to deal with. These were feelings he saved for Helga, these weren't for Lila to know. He had stopped crying; the more they talked, the more he was losing his guilt for hurting Lila. He was starting to realize that, while cheating on Lila was a mistake, breaking up with her certainly was not. "This is really hard for me to say to you."
"This is what I'm talking about Arnold," Lila said. "You should be able to say these things to me."
"I think the fact that I can't is a sign that this was going to end eventually anyway."
He said it without thinking. He was getting frustrated, and he didn't mean to say it out loud. He looked up, shocked with what had come out of his mouth. Lila stared back at him, mouth slightly agape, eyes glistening with tears. He didn't mean to. He didn't mean to be so harsh.
"Oh," She said, wiping her face. "I see."
"No," Arnold said, putting his hands on the table, reaching out for her. "No, I didn't mean to say it like that."
"So you think we would have broken up even if you hadn't cheated on me with Helga Pataki?" Lila asked. She sounded like a hurt little girl, and it stung Arnold. "Even if we had gotten married?"
Arnold sighed, balling his fist and drawing back his hand from the table. He closed his eyes, not able to look at her any more. "As much as I don't want to admit it and as much as I don't want to hurt you, yes. I think that we would have ended at some point even if I didn't fall in love with Helga Pataki."
"I just don't know why you couldn't let me in," Lila sighed. "Why did our relationship change?"
"I think," Arnold said. This was so hard to do; he had no idea how to talk to her any more. "When I got older, all the stuff from my past kind of caught up to me. I changed and I was hurting more, but you stayed the same cheerful and perfect girl I loved in high school."
"Is that bad?" Lila asked. "Should I have changed with you?"
"No," Arnold said, perhaps a bit too harshly, but he wanted her to understand. "No. Don't ever change. You are still perfect, just not perfect for me. You could have your picturesque life with a hard working husband and your beautiful kids and your perfect house in the country. The thing is, I've got more darkness in me than I thought. I thought I could be that perfect guy for you, but I can't. It's not who I am, no matter how hard I tried to be that. No matter how hard I tried to be happy, it just wasn't happening. You haven't had the same stuff to deal with as me."
"My mom and dad got divorced when I was eight, Arnold," Lila said defensively. "My life hasn't been perfect, just so you know."
"Yeah, I remember you telling me that," Arnold said. "I'm not trying to say your life is perfect. I know you have felt pain, and I wish you hadn't. No one would wish that on anyone."
"So I still don't understand why you feel like you're life is so much worse than mine," She said, rolling her eyes. Arnold felt his face getting warm, his anger working up again. "I don't get why you think I wouldn't understand you."
"Yeah?" Arnold said, glaring at her. "I spent the first two years of my life in the amazon, just me and my parents. Then they disappeared when I was two. They left me in a house full of strangers. And then they died. You still get to see your mom and dad; I don't remember what mine even sound like. You may have to drive a few miles to see your mother and step father, but I can't even remember what it feels like to hug my mother."
Lila was speechless, so Arnold continued. "So you really want to know why I don't want to have kids? Because I was abandoned by my parents. They left me, and I don't want to do the same to some other kid. I don't want to disappear and leave behind a son to hurt like this."
Lila found her voice. "That's ridiculous, Arnold. You don't even have a job that would take you out of this city, you wouldn't die and leave behind a kid. Besides, I'd still be here if you did. That's like me saying I don't want to get married because I'm afraid I'll get a divorce like my parents did. It didn't stop from doing what I wanted. That is until you called off our wedding."
Arnold laughed coldly. "Do you hear yourself? I just opened up to you and told you something personal just like you wanted and you shot me down. I was right, you don't understand."
"I do understand," Lila replied. "I just don't think it's a good enough reason for you to have ruined my dream. You ruined my life, Arnold!"
"You are so Goddamn selfish!" Arnold yelled back, pounding his fist on the table and causing Lila to jump. He had never yelled at her before. "Everything is about you and what you want! You manipulated me and shut me down and made me feel guilty for years if things didn't go your way! I'm fucking done."
With that Arnold stood up and existed the dining room. He heard the bedroom door open and saw Phoebe and Gerald peeking out, looking timid.
"Thanks for having us here, I'll make it up to you," Arnold said, snatching his coat from off the back of the living room chair. He threw it on as he made his way out, slamming the door behind him. He flew down the stairs in a rage. She was so selfish! He opened up to her; he let her into his world just like she wanted. He expected this to happen. He knew she couldn't understand and he was right, and now he was angry. He was more than angry, he was hurt. She didn't take his pain seriously and she didn't care about his concerns at all. It was all about Lila, and Arnold's feelings didn't enter into the equation at all.
She needs a guy who is a walking doormat, Arnold thought angrily. That's the only guy who will let her get away with that shit.
He wrenched open the lobby door and was hit with a wave of cold air as he stepped out onto the front stoop. He paced back and forth, letting his anger seep out of him. After a few minutes of rage, he plunged his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He looked down at the hand with Helga's sister's phone number on it. It was smudged and illegible, so he went into his call history and searched for his most recent dialed numbers. He was just about to dial when he stopped himself. Should he really call right now? He thought about Helga and the hell she must be going through right now. He decided that his angry rant could wait until later; she had bigger fish to fry right now, and he wanted to give her the chance to get over her own demons just like he had. He sighed heavily and turned his face to the sky. The sun had set at this point and it was colder than ever, especially now that he had calmed himself down.
He sat on the side railing, flipping his phone over and over in his hands, thinking. He occupied his mind with thoughts of Helga, wondering how she was doing. He decided he would wait for a call from her. Sure, he had hashed it out with his ex-fiancé, but she was facing something bigger. She was standing up to her family. She was standing up to the people who hurt her the most, physically and emotionally, and consequently the people who should have loved her the most. She was so strong, despite her past. He smiled, thinking about her. He would never meet a braver person, never, and he couldn't wait to see her later. He couldn't wait to hold her and tell her exactly what he thought of her, and to talk endlessly with her. They belonged together, and he had never been more certain of it.
Suddenly, his phone rang. He flipped it over to see that it was Gerald. He answered.
"Gerald?" He said, confused. He heard a commotion behind him, what sounded like cries. "What are you doing?"
"Lila cut herself," Gerald said in a panic. "We're going to the hospital. Where are you?"
Arnold was already half way up the stairs the moment Gerald told him what happened. "I'm on my way up."
He got to the front door and found it was still unlocked. He threw it opened to see Lila laying on the dining room flood. Phoebe held Lila's head in her lap, clenching cloths to Lila's wrists, blood blossoming in stark contrast across the white cloth. Her face was white as marble and tears streaked her face as she murmured "please, please don't die. Please don't die. Wake up, Lila."
Arnold cross the room to her, taking over for Phoebe. Gerald went to her, pulling her to her feet, and Phoebe buried her face in his chest, shaking heavily. Arnold held the cloths tightly, staring at Lila's pale limp figure on the ground. In an instant, he was beside himself. He tearfully apologized over and over to the girl, begging her to be alright. He didn't care who saw. When the paramedics arrived, he followed them, holding on to her as long as he could, until the packed her away in the back of the ambulance. When they told him he couldn't ride with her unless he was family, he lost it. He sat down on the stairs, burring his face in his hands, practically ripped his hair from his head, rocking himself. Gerald grabbed Arnold by the shoulders and pulled him up. Arnold was embarrassed, but Gerald just pulled him into a hug, holding onto him tightly.
"It's alright man, I wouldn't expect any less," Gerald said in a strained voice. "Don't worry, it's gonna be okay. Let's go."
He opened the back door and helped Arnold into the back seat. He then let Phoebe slide into the front seat, still shaking from the shock of the whole situation. As they followed the ambulance, Arnold got himself under control, wiping his face every now and then. Phoebe cried silently, looking to her husband for comfort. Gerald spoke none-stop, reassuring words that were not just for Phoebe and Arnold, but himself as well.
They arrived just in time to see doctors whisk Lila away, while another told them to head to the eighth floor. Arnold asked what he could do, but the doctor just told him the only thing he could do now was to wait for the word that she would be okay, and he assured Arnold that she would be okay. They arrived on the empty eighth floor and sat in a row in the cold plastic chairs, smelling the promise of death in the air. Arnold thought about how the doctor told him there was nothing he could do at this point but wait.
He couldn't just wait, not like this. He picked up his phone and called Helga.