Thank you to Robstenfanpire for being my beta on this story. I am ever grateful for her input and advice and for helping me to get it into a presentable shape.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters in Twilight. I'm just borrowing them to have some fun.

Chapter 21 – What does it mean?

EPOV

I don't get home till around midday on New Year's Eve. I've been at my parents' house in Chicago over the whole Christmas period; it's the longest I've spent with them in a while. It's been a strange time. I could tell my parents knew something was up. But it was hardly surprising; I've been moody, sullen and withdrawn. I think they put it down to me still moping around after Tanya. In reality, I've hardly thought about Tanya since meeting Bella. How could someone I only knew for just over a week affect me this way? Why did her betrayal hurt so much more? It wasn't as if we even had a relationship. We both knew it couldn't work. But to find out she was with someone else all that time. That she was pregnant with his baby and planning a life with him. That hurt.

I struggle to reconcile the woman I met with someone who would lie to me. She always said we couldn't have a relationship. She said it was because of the distance, our ages, my job, her kids. The reality; however, is we can't be together because she is with someone else.

I refuse to believe everything was a lie. She was so open with me, her emotions were so raw and she let me see all of her, apart from that bit she kept hidden. Why didn't she just tell me she had someone back home? Had she been planning to have her little fling with the movie star all along?

I'm such a fool. Why can't I tell when people are lying to me? Why do I keep falling for girls who all treat me this way? Why wasn't she different? She told me she'd never cheat, but that was a lie. She cheated on him and she cheated on me.

I've promised Alice and Jasper I'll go around to their house tonight for a New Year's Eve party. I'm really not in the mood, but Alice has told me enough is enough. Apparently she's fed up with me being boring and moody and I need to get over it already or do something about it.

So tonight, after a long ass flight across the country, I am being forced to show my face and play my part. Well I'm an actor aren't I? I can do this.

I spend the afternoon resting and freshening up for what might prove to be a long night. Maybe I should just get drunk and pull some girl. Mindless sex. Perhaps that's the way forward, the way to protect my heart. I don't think I can take another cheating incident. Or perhaps I should just stay away from girls, period. They all seem to be more trouble then they're worth.

She would have been worth it though. Would I have given up that week to save myself from the hurt I feel now? Would it have been better to have never met her, to have never sent that cocktail? That's a tough one. I think back over all the memories, watching movies together, hanging out by the pool, playing computer games, going out with my friends, and finally our day in bed. I smile as I remember the good times, getting to know her, seeing her coming out of herself and growing in confidence. That last day when she took charge in the bedroom, when we laughed and cried together at having found each other, but knowing we had to say goodbye. No, I wouldn't give those memories up, even if they are now tainted with the truth that they were, at least in part, a lie.

It's quite late by the time I leave the house to go to Alice and Jasper's and I'm just driving out the gate when Liam, one of the regular security guards comes running out of his hut.

"Mr. Cullen," he calls as the gates open to allow me out of the community. "I've been holding onto this for you since before Christmas, I'm so glad I caught you. I promised her I'd hand it to you myself. I wouldn't normally do it, and I'm sorry if she's some crazed fan, but she seemed so genuine, and so sad that I had to help her. I hope you understand."

"Okay, Liam, slow down. What are you talking about?" I ask.

"Oh this," he says and hands me a thin envelope. "A woman came by before Christmas looking for you, but you weren't here so she left you a note. She didn't seem like your usual fan, she was a little older and pregnant."

"Pregnant?" Shit is was her. She was here. "When was this Liam, when did she leave this?"

"It was the Sunday, I think, the last one before Christmas. She looked lost, and so desperate to contact you. You don't mind I took the note do you Mr Cullen?"

Did I mind? I don't know. I'm puzzled though. She was here the Sunday after I saw here on the Friday? Why did she come? Why did she want to see me?

I realise I've just been sat there staring at the envelope when Liam clears his throat.

"Are you okay, Mr. Cullen?" He asks.

"Oh, fine, Liam, just a little surprised, that's all. Thanks for keeping this for me. Um, well I suppose I'd better get going."

"Bye then, Mr. Cullen and Happy New Year." Liam concludes.

I drive off still clutching the envelope in my hand. What could it all mean? She should have been up in Forks with her family and her fiancé. Why would she be down here leaving me notes? Did my visit to her prompt her trip down? Was she angry I'd turned up at her place? Did it cause problems between her and the father of her child? He seemed to know about me so she'd obviously told him something about what happened in LA. Had my presence caused them problems? I wasn't sure what I thought about that. Did I want to cause her problems in her relationship?

As soon as I arrive at the party I go in search of Alice. She is one of my best friends as well as my sister, and is great at giving advice. The house is packed and the music is loud. I can feel a headache coming on as I get frustrated trying to find her. Eventually I run into her leaving the kitchen and I drag her out to the back of the property to have a chat.

"Fucking Hell, Edward. It's cold out here. You better have a good reason for dragging me away from my own party."

"Alice, Bella left me a note?" I explain.

"What? She left a note? Where? When?" Alice found it hard to believe the truth about Bella. She'd been badgering to try and contact her again, but there really was no point.

"She left it with one of the security guards. She came down to find me the Sunday after I visited her. Why would she come to find me Alice? She was getting on with her life? Why come down to mess up mine some more?"

"What does she say in the note?" asks Alice.

"I don't know I've not read it yet." I admit.

Alice gives me an exasperated look. "Well that may be a good place to start. You may get some of your answers if you read it."

"I don't know if I want to. I walked away from her house knowing I wouldn't have to see or hear from her again, and here she is invading my home and my serenity."

"Edward, what serenity? You've been raging and moping and acting like a teenage girl on PMS ever since you visited her. You have no serenity. Now read the letter and get some answers."

She's right, I know she's right, but I'm still nervous.

"What if I don't like what it says?"

"Will you be worse off then you are now?"

I think for a brief moment. "No, probably not," I admit with a resigned sigh. "Okay, here goes."

I rip open the letter and read it aloud to Alice.

Dear Edward, my CM,

I'm so sorry I missed you today. I have been trying to contact you for a while, I really thought you deserved to know everything, and I suppose now you do. I'm sorry if the situation was a shock to you, but I would really like to have the opportunity to explain everything to you in person.

I know we agreed to not contact each other again, but as you could see things have changed. You probably think I've turned into some kind of stalking, turning up on your door like this, but it really is my last resort. I ask you, please, to just call or email me. If after we speak you still want nothing to do with me I promise I will respect that and you will never hear from me again.

Thanks in advance,

Bella

"That's it," I say. No explanation, no apology for lying to me. "What do I do now Alice?"

"You call her."

"Why? So she can explain how she played me? How she took me for a fool? No thanks, Alice."

"No, so you can find out why she felt the need to contact you. She says here she's tried to contact you for a while and then she flew all the way to LA to leave you a note. Why would she do that? If she is happy up there is Forks why is she so desperate to talk to you? Edward you have to phone her, you have to know what this is all about. Besides it will only play on your mind and drive you mad if you don't"

Alice is right, of course she is.

"When should I do it Alice?" I ask.

"Well there's no time like the present, strike while the iron's hot and all that."

I give her a look. Alice was not usually one to pull out the clichés.

"Okay, okay, but you get the point. Do it now, before you talk yourself out of it again. I'll give you some privacy." And with that she disappeared back inside the house.

I pull out my phone and lean up against the side of the house. I type in the number at the bottom of the note and then just stare at it. Five minutes pass and I've still not connected the call. I press the button and put the phone up to my ear.

It rings. And it rings. Eventually it goes to voice mail. I hang up before it gets to the beep. I'm not leaving a message. For a start, I'd have no idea what to say. Why didn't she answer? I go back into the house in search of Alice; and a drink.

…

"She's probably out, it is New Year's Eve after all. If she's at a party she probably didn't hear the call." Jasper says.

I failed to find Alice, but Jasper is proving a decent substitute. These are all valid excuses for why she didn't answer. I know this. I just don't like waiting. The not knowing what's going on is killing me.

"If I were you, I'd enjoy the party and phone her in the morning. Talking while you're both at parties is probably not the best idea," he continues.

Once again this is good advice. But will I take it? Who knows, for now all I know is I need another drink.

One drink leads to two, which leads to three and then I lose count. I wake the next day in Jasper and Alice's spare room. I'm not too sure how I got here, but I'm still fully clothed which is a slight blessing.

I stumble downstairs and into the kitchen to find my friends and apologise.

"Ahh, here he is at last. The drunken fool," chimes Alice as I enter the room.

"Please, Alice, not so loud. Where do you keep the Advil?"

She laughs and hands me a glass of water before rummaging in a cupboard for a bottle of pills.

"So, drinking yourself into oblivion worked out well for you then?" enquires Jasper.

I groan. "Did I make a huge fool of myself?"

"You were dancing on the tables, trying to kiss some blonde, singing, you even did a little strip tease at one point," says Jasper.

"Really? Oh shit!" There's no way this isn't making it into the tabloids. There is always someone willing to sell a story like this at the right price.

"Yeah. You kept call out for your Bella. Bella, Bella, where are you?" Jasper mock calls.

I look at him distraught. Shit this is really bad.

"Oh, Jazz, stop messing with him." Alice hit Jasper playfully on the arm, smiling lovingly at him as she does it. "It's okay, Edward, you did nothing of the sort. You just sat of the sofa, looking sullen, drinking whiskey until you fell asleep. I then persuaded Emmett to carry you upstairs."

Well that could have been worse, but I'm sure Emmett's not going to let me forget that. "Really, I didn't make a huge fool of myself?"

"No, you were just your usual moody self. Talking of which, when are you going to try phoning again? I need my fun loving Edward back instead of this Emo version." Alice sits down next to me, wrapping her arm around mine and resting her head on my shoulder. I know she doesn't like seeing me upset.

I kiss the top of her head. "Soon, but first, coffee and food. I need my wits about me before I face that situation."

I eat with Jasper and Alice and spend a little bit of time helping them to clear up the house. Alice has a cleaning company coming in later, but there are still a few things she wants us to do before they get here, like picking up discarded coats and other paraphernalia and trying to remember who was wearing them. I'm useless, having failed to observe even who was at the party let alone what they were wearing, but Alice has a knack and is soon calling around her friends to arrange for the collection of the left item.

I decide to phone Bella when I get home. It's the type of call that should be done when I'm comfortable, and in private.

It's about two in the afternoon before I try again. This time the call goes straight to voice mail, as if the phone is turned off. Perhaps she was at a party last night, I reason, and now her phone is out of power. I try again in another hour. And then again an hour later. All go straight to voice mail. It's four in the afternoon now. Surely she would have charged her phone by now? I decided to phone Alice for some advice.

"Edward, did you talk you her." That's Alice for you, straight to the point.

"No, I tried but it's going straight to voice mail."

"Bummer. But then it's not like she's exactly expecting your call. She has waited over a week," she muses.

"Well that's hardly my fault. I suppose all I can do it try her again later," I say.

"Or you could try emailing?" suggests Alice.

"Oh yeah. I forgot she left her email too." This hangover is really not helping my thought processes.

"Silly boy. It will also give you time to think about what you want to say." She sounds a little smug. Alice likes to be right.

"Thanks Alice, you're a life saver."

"I know Edward, now go and make contact." Alice said as we finished up the call.

I'm on my laptop and my email function is open in no time. But then I just sit there. What do I want to say? I have no idea.

I go to the bar and pour myself a whiskey. I need something to settle my nerves. It may also give me some inspiration. I think about everything that man said when I called at their house. Why would she keep stringing me along? This is unfair and cruel. She is moving on, why can't she let me do the same? She built up these feelings in me and then ripped them apart. Can't she now just leave me alone to get over this? Why does she feel the need to pester me and explain things? They were explained well enough at her house. I need to make it clear that I will hear her explanation, but I need to protect myself. I can't let her hurt me again. I refuse to open up those wounds further. I need to move on, just like she is.

The email I wrote may have been a little abrupt, but I am angry and I refuse to be walked over again. I will not let any more of my heart be shattered.

I read it through a few times and press send before I chicken out. I sit and stare at the computer for the next hour waiting for a reply, but none comes. What does this mean? Is she ignoring me or is she just not getting her emails? There is no way to know the answer to this. Eventually I give up and go to bed. I'm sure I'm going to have another hangover tomorrow with the whiskey I've drunk tonight, but at least I should sleep.

I wake late again the next day and grab a coffee, before I remember the email I sent the night before. I start to second guess if the tone was too harsh. Maybe I shouldn't have sent it at all. I go to my computer to see if there is a reply, and there is. Well let's see what she has to say.