Happy Mother's Day all you wonderful Moms! Posted this one early for you… :)
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The climb up the trail wasn't as easy as Steve thought it would be. His back hurt but he neglected to take the pain medication, getting used to the feel of pain. Not able to decipher one from the other anymore, it was just constant.
He looked up from the dirt path seeing Michelle, Clair and Ellen just ahead of him. Beyond them Danny walked with his arm around a sullen Gracie, and just beyond that were Chin, Kono and a couple of others, including Ben that had come along as well out of respect and just wanting closure.
The trail led up to a remote waterfall that was on a piece of property of a friend. They had gone there often as a family and played in the water and picnicked in the grass by the edge. Steve, Michelle and Ellen had all agreed it was where Elie should be laid to rest. Steve carried her ashes in his left arm like a football, the same way he used to carry her when she was a baby. She used to fit perfectly nestled in his arm, the way her urn did now.
All the way up his mind was consumed with thoughts and memories of her. One that gave him comfort was the night Michelle had left for Jordan. He remembered sitting out on the lanai off the master bedroom as Elie came out and joined him. They talked about missing her and in that sweet innocent way she had, Elie had calmed him. He'd never forget the feel of her curled up on his lap as he told her the story of when she and Ellen were born, for what could have possibly been the twentieth time. But she never grew bored with it, the same as he never tired of sharing it with her. It was those special moments between them that he would miss the most. They had several that no one else knew of, it was just between the two of them, wishing now he would have taken the time to accumulate more.
Michelle looked back over her shoulder at him as he stared at the ground, making his way up the path. Her eyes caught just a glimpse of Elie before she turned back around. The walk was silent, everyone caught up in their own thoughts of where they were headed and why. She thought about the last time they had come here. Elie held her hand as they walked, her doll Susie tucked securely in her other arm. Steve and Ellen had run ahead, racing down the path as they usually did, impatient to get to the water and go swimming. But she and Elie liked the walk, they strolled along at a slow pace talking about whatever was on the mind of her intriguing four year old at the time. On that day it was the responsibilities of being a mother. Michelle recalled the conversation between them as if Susie was her actual child. She thought about the doll then and where it was, wondering if it had perished in the fire with the rest of their things. She hadn't been to the house, neither she nor Steve had the strength to go there just yet.
She looked up seeing the end of the path, knowing they were getting close. She began to feel the pressure around her heart, wishing now she had planned something more for her daughter, something that would ease the pain of what they were about to do, but under the circumstances she was lucky to even make it out of bed that day. Depression was a horrible thing that wrapped around you and squeezed and squeezed until sometimes she felt she was suffocating under the pressure.
Steve felt the same, wanting to turn around and go home, not ready for this. He didn't want to just dump his little girl in the water and say goodbye. He wasn't sure now if this waterfall was the best idea until he came around the corner of the trees and out into the open area.
He stopped behind Michelle as they both stood in awe of the flowers that surrounded the area, but were even more amazed by the amount of people that had gathered to pay their respects to Elie. They were spread out all around the waterfall. They lined the edge of the thirty-foot drop that fed into a crystal clear pool that too was surrounded by friends. People stood on the rocks that encircled the space and some even ankle deep in the water not able to find an open spot on the dry land.
He knew they weren't all there because of he and Michelle, they were there because in some small way Elie had touched each one of their lives. She had that gift and it proved to be true by the amount of people that had come to say goodbye to her.
Michelle looked back at him with tears in her eyes, reaching her hand back for his. He took a step forward and reached out with his broken one as she held his fingers while they made the last few steps together. The crowd in front of them moved out of the way making a path for them down to the water; some touching them on the shoulder while others touched the urn.
They both looked up as someone began to sing a Hawaiian lullaby in the most angelic voice either had ever heard. Michelle didn't know the words, but Steve did, becoming overwhelmed by not only the lyrics but by the people who joined in as the voices echoed off the rock walls, blending together in perfect harmony. He couldn't help but think how much Elie would have loved it.
He came to the edge of the pool with Michelle and Ellen as they looked around them again, listening to the singing. When the song was over it was silent again. Nothing could be heard but the sound of the water falling over the rocks and splashing in the water.
Michelle looked at him for guidance, wanting to speak but knowing she wouldn't be able to even get a word out.
He took a breath and let it out slow, trying his best to retain his composure as he looked around at everyone, speaking to no one in particular. "This means…" His voice broke as he bent his head, fighting with his emotions as Michelle moved up against him, steading him. He waited a minute and took in another deep breath, facing everyone again as they stood patient, not wavering in the least. "This means a great deal to us that you're here," he began, fighting to get the words out that he felt needed to be said on her behalf. "Elie was a rare and precious gift that was taken from us too soon," he cried, "taken from all of us. But it's a great comfort to Michelle and I to know that she'll always be remembered, not only by us but from all of you who she touched with her sweet, sweet little life, so thank you for that." He took a tissue that his wife held for him, dabbing his eyes with it. "Thank you for being here."
Michelle laid her head on his shoulder, gripping his arm as her tears slid one after the other down her face, letting him know she was pleased with what he had said. There wasn't a dry eye amongst them. She wiped her own face off and looked up at everyone. "I feel like each and every one of you are like family." She put her hand on the urn in his arm. "Please, if you want to spread some of her ashes, please come do so." She looked up at Steve and he nodded in agreement.
He took the top off as they both moved closer to the edge of the water. He reached in first and took a handful, watching it sift through his fingers as it fell in the clear water. "I love you sweetie," he whispered.
Michelle did the same, "I love you my little angel."
Steve motioned to Ellen as he knelt down on one knee. She knew what it was that he held. They had talked about it with her before coming and asked if she wanted to spread some too and she had agreed. She reached inside and scooped up some of her sister's ashes and held it over the water like her parents had. "I wish you could come home Elie," she said. "I miss you." She let it fall in the water and started to cry as her mother scooped her up in her arms.
Clair reached in next and set her hand in the water, opening it up as the ashes dissipated. "Heaven is so lucky," she whimpered.
Danny approached first after Clair. He reached in and took a small amount, squatting down over the water as he opened his hand. "Uncle Danny loves you and will always miss you." He stood up, wiping the tears away and hugged Michelle first and then Steve, moving out of the way as the line formed behind Gracie, Chin and Kono, each person taking a small amount and saying what they felt in their heart. Some spoke in native tongue while others told brief stories of how she had touched them, while others just mouthed prayers and mournful goodbyes.
By the time everyone had made it through there was still a small amount in the bottom of the urn. Steve and Michelle held it together and tilted it upside down as it spilled into the water.
They watched as it spread out and slowly disappeared.
Michelle fell into him and began to sob as he put his arms around her, pulling her in close as he too said his final goodbyes with tears.
The people around them slowly faded off into the trees and up through another path that led back to their cars, leaving the family alone.
Danny and Clair took Ellen's hands and led her away, comforting a tearful Gracie as well. The moment was becoming too intense for Ellen as she cried even harder over the mournful appearance of her parents.
Michelle moved away from him as she went down to her hands and knees, leaning over the water. She dipped her hand in and washed it over her face, closing her eyes and repeating it, cleansing herself in the pool that had now become a sacred place for her. 'Mommy misses you so much,' she silently prayed to her daughter. 'I'm so sorry baby. I should have been there with you. I'm so sorry.'
Steve stood over her, watching the heartbreaking display before him of his wife. He knelt down next to her, putting a gentle hand on her back.
She looked up at him as the water dripped from her face. "We let her down," she wanted to scream at him. "This was all our fault! She's gone because of us!" But instead she turned her face away, not able to look at him for fear she would say it. Her guilt intensified as she took the blame from him and put it upon herself. It was she that had brought the devil to their door, not him.
He wanted to tell her he was sorry for failing her, for failing Ellen but most of all for failing Elie, but he kept silent, not wanting this moment to become about him and his faults. He felt the sadness of the huge loss, but he also didn't want to leave this place today with a heavy heart of never wanting to come back. He stared at the pool of water where they had sprinkled Elie's ashes, recalling her splashing around on a clear day just like this one as he sat on the edge relaxing in the sun.
"Come swimming with me Daddy!" she would yell out to him. "Come swim with me."
He was glad now he had never once denied her wish.
"Ok," he whispered under his breath, wanting to swim with her again one last time.
He sat down in the grass by the edge of the water and slipped his shoes off. He unbuttoned his shirt next, letting it fall off his shoulders. He scooted forward until he was able to slip into the water, letting it cover his body as he baptized himself in the blessed pool. The burns on his back cooled for the first time. The pain went away as he stood there in the chest high water, moving his hands slowly back and forth becoming mesmerized by the crystal clear liquid that began to sparkle as the afternoon sun appeared overhead through the trees.
He felt a peaceful calm move through him the same as he did that night when she sat on his lap and fell asleep. She was there, he could feel her. The turmoil that had been torturing him was gone too. There was no room for it anymore. He felt that void in his heart being filled by her spirit. It was one of the most profound moments of his life, right up there with the day she was born and they put her in his arms for the first time only minutes later. He was lucky to have known her let alone having the privilege of being her father He closed his eyes, picturing her swimming around him and could almost hear her laughter amongst the sounds of the waterfall and the breeze that blew through the trees. He'd always miss her and love her, but he also knew that she would never be too far away.
He turned around as Michelle stared at him. Her expression was the saddest he think he'd ever seen on any human being. He reached his hand out to her, wanting her to feel what he was. She moved closer to the edge until she could grasp it as he led her into the pool fully dressed. She moved in front of him with her back against his chest as he held her close.
She didn't feel the same effect as he, she just felt sad, not sure how she was going to leave this place and move on into a life without her Elie. It was hard to even look at Ellen, seeing her twin so much alive in those eyes and the facial expressions. She wished now they hadn't been identical.
Steve moved his hands down over her lower belly, feeling the baby that was growing inside of her. Maybe Ellen was right he thought, Elie lived in each one them, why wouldn't a part of her live in this person as well. It saddened him that they would never know their big sister, but he would make sure that they knew of her.
He felt Michelle trembling, knowing it wasn't from the water.
"One day at a time," he whispered, repeating her own words of encouragement.
"Our family is broken now," she shuttered. "She's gone."
"Nothing is broken. Elie will always be a part of this family. I can't stand the thought of leaving here today thinking that she's gone, like we're supposed to just ignore that she was once a part of our lives. I can't do that. I won't."
He made it sound so simple, like he already had a plan. All she could feel was sadness and grief. "I'm scared Steve," she whimpered, turning her body as she nestled closer to him to like a child. "I'm scared to go home."
He laid her head on his shoulder, stroking her hair, "I'm scared too, but we have each other and we have Ellen too and soon we'll have a new baby. Life will go on. I'm not saying it will be the same, but we have to adjust, if we don't then it will be a terrible injustice to Elie." He put his hand under her chin, forcing her to look up. Her face held the same sadness and now fear. "I love you. I love my family. I'm nothing without you and Ellen. I need you both to get through this, and you need us." He kissed her forehead, "One day at time, Michelle. We'll slowly adjust one day at a time."
She nodded her head, laying it back on his shoulder. She closed her eyes tightly, wanting desperately to believe everything he said, not only for her sake but for his and Ellen's too.
They came out of the water together. He slipped his shoes back on and wrapped his dry shirt around her soaking wet shoulders. His cast dripped with water but he could have cared less, he was leaving this place with a different attitude than when he had arrived, attributing it all to Elie.
He picked up the urn and held it securely in his right arm, holding open his left hand, an invitation for his wife.
She looked up at him as she slipped her fingers through his and he grasped it. He brought it up to his lips, kissing the back of it before he led them out toward the path to home.