AUTHORS NOTE: This is my first story. Edward is an actor. Bella lives in Forks, the location of his next movie. Sparks fly easily when they first meet, but will things always stay that easy for them? Absolutely not!
Thanks to all of you that have reviewed or put it in favorites or alerts. You're all awesome.
Thank you so much for being so patient while I worked this writer's block crap out. I hadn't planned on posting this early because I honestly didn't plan on having it done, but here it is.
I also want to thank RCD-Alice for rec'ing this story on the IMDB message board for Eclipse. I've been writing this almost non-stop since the beginning of December. When I say almost non-stop, I mean it. When I go home after work, I start writing. When I wake up on the weekends, I start writing. And, the writing doesn't stop until I go to bed at night. Sometimes it gets to be too much (hence the writer's block - my mind needed a break, I think), but it's things like what RCD-Alice and budtrixjake did, plus all of the amazing reviews, that make me so excited to wake up in the morning and do this all over again.
Your kindness and generosity don't go unnoticed or unappreciated, and I would hope any humbled author would be as thankful.
Rated M: A N G S T, language, violence, lemons
Chapter 21
Plus que ma propre vie
SUNDAY - THIRTEEN DAYS
Pound. Pound. Pound.
Was my brain actually trying to break its way out of my skull? Could that happen?
"Ooohhh," I groaned, shifting my body in its not too comfortable position.
Two large hands pressed gently on my temple and forehead, massaging ever so lightly.
Ahhhhh...relief. Stay in there, brain. I need you for a little while longer.
"Go back to sleep, baby," the man attached to the hands whispered, quietly enough that it didn't bother me. "I'll wake you when we're home."
I couldn't open my eyes even if I tried, so I did as he told me. Every time I drank that much alcohol, I always swore I'd never drink again when I woke up the next morning with a raging hangover, but here I was again in the same predicament I'd found myself many a time. And, this was a wine hangover, which was always the worst for me. I allowed my body to relax again, hoping the rest would ease the headache and overall queasy feeling.
What felt like only minutes later, I was sitting up in the backseat looking out my window as we drove into town past the post office and then the grocery store. It seemed like years that we'd been gone, not four days.
Forks held an eeriness now, and I couldn't put my finger on why it felt that way. Was it because of Jake and James? Was it because everything in this quaint Northwest Washington town had been turned upside down over the past few months – first for the better then to the best and now to the tragic? Turning to Edward to ask if the town felt different to him, my eyes landed on an empty seat.
"Marcus?" I asked. "Where's Edward?"
"He had to unexpectedly go back to Los Angeles for another photo shoot with Ms. Paul. I dropped him off at the airport in Port Angeles with the promise of taking you home."
"Oh," I replied.
"Mr. Cullen didn't want to wake you, so he told me to tell you that he'd be back tomorrow around noon. He'll speak with you later tonight when he gets back to his house."
Nothing felt right about this. Why had Edward left me alone? He was so adamant about how I needed to be at his side at all times over the next two weeks, but here I was alone already.
Pulling up to the house, dad's cruiser was in the driveway but it was empty. Edward must have called him and asked him to meet me here; to look after me until he got home from LA. Marcus helped me carry my bags to the front steps before he left, and then I decided to walk around the house looking for him because he didn't have a key to my new front door and had probably started to wander when he got bored with waiting. A full loop around the house later, I was standing on the porch again, alone, without having found him. I shrugged and went to put my key in the lock on the door. With the light force of inserting the key, the door popped open quietly. It hadn't been shut or locked, and the alarm wasn't going off.
Nothing felt right about this.
I walked into the foyer cautiously and looked around. Each room downstairs was empty, quiet and untouched. My eyes found their way looking up toward the ceiling, toward the second floor, and my feet found their way toward the staircase.
"Dad, are you here?" I asked, my voice carrying far in the silence.
There was no response, so I kept going until I was at my bedroom door. The room was empty, and I was about to turn around and go to the surveillance room when I heard an odd muffled noise come from my library. It sounded like choking.
"No!"
I ran around the bed, moved the curtains aside and flipped the switch in the dark room, and that's when I saw him in the center of the room. My legs buckled, all the air escaping my lungs like I'd been punched in the stomach. He was standing in the middle of the room next to the piano in his police uniform. Wildflowers and tall grasses grew up around his feet and the piano just like the paintings had come to life in my library. But his weren't the only feet in the meadow. My eyes traveled up the legs of the man that stood behind my father until they met cold blue eyes staring back at me.
Jockeying between icy blue and warm brown, I felt the tears welling up. My father's neck was being held in the crook of James' elbow, and his work-issued gun was being pointed at his own head.
"Say goodbye," James hissed.
"Daddy," I sobbed, reaching my hand out, taking a step toward him. James dragged my father back a step as I took another to be nearer. "I'm so sorry. It's supposed to be me."
I flickered my gaze to James and begged from the farthest depths of my heart as the tears streamed down my face. My throat was so strained as I pushed the words out. "James, it's me you want! Kill me! I survived the accident so that I could die in the place of someone else. My plan was for you to kill ME!" I fell to the soil on my knees unable to hold myself up any longer. My heart had completely broken open as I screamed my pleas.
James' hold tightened, and his stare hardened.
"Live," my dad choked out, barely able to speak with his throat being held the way it was by James. Then I heard the pulling of the trigger. My eyes closed as a scream erupted violently from my chest, but before the actual blast from the gun was heard, I was being pulled against someone's chest.
"Wake up, Bella." Quick, soothing hands were running along my heated skin – across my forehead and down my cheek and along my neck. "You're having a nightmare. It's not real."
A few seconds passed before what was said registered in my mind. It was just a dream. I was still in the car with Edward, and he had not left me to go to Los Angeles. My father wasn't about to be killed by James.
"It was just a dream," I whispered, feeling the ache in my throat.
But... my dreams are coming true.
My eyes flew open, and the muted but bright light streaming through the clouds pierced my vision like laser beams to my retinas.
"Dad!" I nearly cried, fumbling in my purse for my phone with trembling hands. "I've got to call my dad!"
"Bella? What the hell is going on?" Edward yelled, helping me hold my wrists still as I dialed with my thumbs. His head snapped to the front. "Marcus, pull over! Something's wrong!"
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Pick up," I whispered. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop the shaking or the tears that were starting to fall as each ring passed without an answer. My body was collapsing in the seat, and Edward was using all of his strength to keep me upright. "Pick up."
Ring.
"Chief Swan."
I swallowed hard, now barely able to croak the words out. "Dad...Daddy?"
"Bella? What's wrong?" A noise in the background told me that he stood up quickly and knocked his chair over.
"You're okay?" I asked. Edward was looking at me so concerned.
"What happened, Isabella? Tell me right now."
"I'm fine," I sobbed, wiping the tears off my face at hearing his voice. "Are you okay? Are you safe?"
"Of course I am, sweetheart," he sighed. "Why are you crying and asking me this?"
I hiccuped. "I...I had a bad dream...and you were hurt...and I couldn't do anything to save you...I was so helpless."
Edward pulled me into his arms where I continued to cry.
"Oh, Bells. I'm fine. Don't go worrying about your old man, now, ya hear? It was just a nightmare."
I used the heel of my palm to wipe my face as Edward combed the ends of my hair with his fingers down my back.
"So, you're still having those dreams, huh? After all these years?" he asked.
I sniffled and hiccuped once more, hoping it was my last as my body started to calm down. "What do you mean?"
"Well, honey...after...after the accident, I would wake up in the middle of the night to you screaming and crying in bed." I don't know if it was the therapy sessions I'd been doing with Esme, but I didn't flinch when he mentioned the accident. Even more shocking was how he seemed mostly okay when he mentioned it. "You were screaming my name, begging me not to die. It was heartbreaking. For months I went in there and calmed you down... by singing our song to you."
"What?" I breathed.
"You knew this," he said incredulously.
"No, dad. I didn't know this." For months this had gone on, and I didn't know? My dad comforted me when I cried at night?
"You didn't have them every night, but a lot of them. And, then they just... stopped."
Jake.
My throat started to tighten thinking about Jake and this whole fucked up mess, and I had to get off the phone quickly.
"Well, I just needed to make sure you were safe. The dream was very real. Just...I don't know. Be careful, okay? I love you, dad," I said in a rush.
He'd barely been able to say that he loved me back before I'd thrown the phone into my purse. Glancing out the window, I saw that we were driving again and we were coming up on Forks.
"Will you talk to me?" Edward asked.
There was no point in hiding it. I'd obviously had a nightmare involving my father, and there was no way Edward would let it go until I said something. "James had my father," I whispered as quietly as I could so Marcus wouldn't hear.
Did Marcus probably know the gist of what was going on? Probably. He was around Edward a lot during the day and had probably heard conversations, and then there was the fact that he'd whisked us off to Seattle for several days. That had to come off as a little strange. I had no idea how much Marcus knew.
"Did he have a gun in your dream?" Edward asked.
"Yeah," I sighed, wiping away another tear. "I woke up here in the car and you were gone. Marcus had dropped you off at the airport in Port Angeles because you had to go to LA, and when he took me home, James had dad in my library with his own gun pointed at his head."
Marcus was looking at me in the rearview mirror. Hearing his name had obviously sparked his interest in my dream.
"Was Jake there?" Edward asked.
"I don't think so. God, Edward. There was nothing I could do. James gave me barely any time to say goodbye to him before he was pulling the trigger."
I was starting to get worked up again. This was the last thing I needed before so much more of my pain started to surface. His arms tightened around my body, pulling me closer so that he could kiss the top of my head. "I won't let it happen, Bella. Nothing is going to happen to you or anybody else."
I sighed knowing that wasn't true.
Twenty minutes later we were pulling up to the house, and I was beyond relieved that the driveway was empty. Edward unlocked the front door and held my hand as we walked into the bedroom. It was almost 10:30, so we had just over an hour to get ready and head back into town. Emmett and Jane were waiting for Edward on set and expected him there at noon.
The drive back into town was uneventful until we turned the corner to the warehouse. Edward was filming on a portable set due to the misty weather that didn't coincide with the weather the originally-scheduled scene called for.
"Son of a bitch," Edward muttered, sitting up straighter in our shared backseat.
I followed where his attention was directed and saw what had him in such distress. An estimated 100-person crowd was gathered at the gate, blocking our way through. As soon as they saw us, they migrated toward our sedan like a flock of desensitized birds in a tourist destination looking for a handout.
"Shit, come here, baby." He opened his arms and pulled me against his side, cupping his hand on the side of my face to shield them from getting good photos of me.
"Sir?" Marcus asked.
"It's the only way in," Edward growled. "Just...get us through it. The doors are locked, right?"
The faint humming click of the locks ran through the vehicle. I'd barely had any time to process what was going on.
"Edward," I whimpered, trying to mold myself against his side.
Just as I said it, I heard the first yelling outside the car, and I flinched and buried my face in my shoulder.
"Are you and Tanya still together, Edward?"
"Are you seeking treatment for your sex addiction?"
"Bella, why did you take him back after what he did to you?"
His fingers tightened on my upper arm to comfort me. "Please forgive me," he murmured against the top of my head, and I knotted his shirt in my fingers.
"Did you think you wouldn't get caught?"
"Is it true that Tanya is pregnant with your baby?"
A banging on the glass was followed by another jab. "Edward Cullen, everybody! The most hated bachelor in America!"
My body started to shake in rage. The tears were welling up in my eyes behind Edward's hand. I was seconds away from snapping, and then I heard the thud of someone trying the locked door handle. Edward forcefully pulled me farther into the left side of the car, away from the door. My head jerked around to see the offending photographer, and I saw him.
James stood right outside the right window with his camera.
"Bella, put your head down!" Edward yelled, his voice growing muffled in my ears as he unsuccessfully tried to cover my face again.
All of the yelling outside and inside and clicks of the cameras seemed to go silent as my eyes stayed locked on James' eyes, his again on the opposite side of glass. I could have sworn that I could hear his breathing and his heartbeat.
Then, all of a sudden, everybody was gone, and we were through the gate.
Edward's harsh tone brought me back into reality when there was actual silence surrounding us. "What the hell were you doing? Why wouldn't you let me hide your face?"
"I...I don't know," I whispered, turning around and looking out the back window as the gate and people disappeared around a curve in the road.
Emmett was outside standing by himself when we pulled into a parking spot.
"Hey, Bella," he smiled sadly, giving me a strong, brotherly hug as I took a step outside the car. "We'll get this figured out, okay? Edward and I won't let anything happen to you."
"What the hell is all that?" Edward asked, exasperated. His arm waved in the direction we just came from. "James is out there! I thought you tightened security?"
"I did." Annoyance laced Emmett's remark. "The gate has been moved back 50 feet, and it's around the curve now, so they can't get any pictures. We've also increased guard presence around the entire set. Outside that gate, we have no control over them, though, unless it's our filming location. She'll be safe wherever we are."
With his arm still around my shoulders, he started pulling me toward the door with Edward following closely behind. Operation Keep Bella at Arm's Length had begun.
MONDAY - TWELVE DAYS
My Dearest Edward,
I loved you. Do you know that?
Plus que ma propre vie...
More than my own life...
Today is a beautiful day. For the past three hours, I've been sitting here watching you do what you love, in what is probably one of the most beautiful places on the coast of Washington. The sky is clear for once. The ocean is almost serene as it laps lazily against the rocks and sand below. The faces of those around us are calmer than they were yesterday, even Jane's. I don't think she's as mad at you anymore. It's a good day.
I only have twelve days before I say goodbye to you. Twelve days. That will never be enough time to express to you what you have done for me and how you made me feel. I never knew what it felt like to be loved until you loved me. Your unwavering passion and need never ceased to envelope my heart in bliss. How could I have possibly shown you that much love in return in our short time together?
I had to do this, Edward. It was the only way to show you the depth of my love. I had no other choice.
"We're gonna need that silver car moved!" Emmett bellowed down the road, startling me from the letter I'd been writing. "It's in the shot!"
My butt was glued to Emmett's director's chair today. The weather had decided to cooperate and follow the forecast, so Emmett called us all at five o'clock this morning to get us up and on location early. They were going to try to squeeze a day and a half of shots into today to make the rest of the week more bearable since the forecast was calling for more rain later this week.
The place he'd chosen for this shot was one of my favorites in the area. The road he was yelling down hugged the ocean and up ahead, where the car was in the way, was a cliff that jutted out into the water. It was a beautiful backdrop for the romantic scene, which was depicting Peter and Charlotte when they were first getting to know each other. The characters would share their first kiss overlooking the waters below.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward walking up to me, so I closed the notebook I was writing in so that he wouldn't see what I was doing.
"What's that?" he asked, pointing at it in my hands.
"Oh, nothing," I said, waving it around. "Just writing something."
His face lit up with delight. "A new book?"
"Yeah, something like that." I hugged it to my chest, knowing that these were the most important words I would ever write. They were sacred and meant only for his eyes, but there was so much more that needed to go into it before he could read them. There was so much more that would happen.
His lips formed into a smirk. "Not going to tell me about it, huh? Keeping it a secret?"
I nodded and bit my lip. He laughed and leaned forward to kiss my temple. "Okay, baby. Will I get to read it someday?" he whispered in my ear.
"Yes," I said. "Someday soon. Just not now."
A red car pulled up behind us, and I turned around to see Rosalie step out. Even though she was the director's wife, it didn't deter many of the crew members from staring at her as she walked over to us. Emmett was busy with Victoria at the moment, so she came over to me first.
"Hey, you two."
"Hi, Rose," we both said in unison. I got up from the chair with the notebook tucked under my arm and hugged her. It had been too long.
"Now, Bella," she said. "Emmett said you were going to be stuck on set for the next two weeks, but your girlfriends and I have a problem with that. You're coming with us during the day on Friday to Port Angeles."
I heard Edward's breath catch next to me.
"We've all taken that day off, and we figured we go shopping, grab some lunch, maybe go to the spa or the movie. It's a chance to catch up. It seems like we're almost always working or sick or not here. We love you and miss you, Bella."
My way to tie up loose ends. I turned my head to Edward and begged him with my eyes as I held Rosalie's hands. I hated to leave his side for even a second because it was a second that I'd never get back, but I needed this. It was something that had to be done before I was gone.
"Please," I mouthed. He was in agony behind the mask he'd put on his face. His eyes kept darting their focus back and forth between mine as he read my plea. He'd told me in Seattle he hated tell me 'no' to anything I requested, and I hoped that still stood. "Please," I mouthed again.
His body slumped in front of me in defeat, and I knew.
I turned my head back to Rosalie and nodded. With a squeal and a hug, she ran off to Emmett who was now going over Edward's schedule of television and premiere appearances with Jane for his upcoming movie with Tanya.
"Don't be scared," I whispered before he could say anything. "I promise to be careful. I promise you that I'll stay with them at all times. I need this, Edward. They are my friends, and I miss them."
"Bella, I won't be there. If something goes wrong..." he said quietly.
"I won't put myself in any kind of position where I'd need you there for me."
"You never have," he whispered. "But, it's still happened."
"Edward, I promise you that nothing will happen." Because nothing could happen. I had twelve more days with him, and I was going to celebrate every single second of those days with those that I loved. It was not enough, but it was all I had. "I will come back to you."
Disregarding those around us, I stretched up on the tips of my toes and wrapped my arms around his neck so that I could kiss him with all of the determination inside of me. Our time wasn't up, yet.
TUESDAY - ELEVEN DAYS
Now I only have eleven days left for you to feel my love. Yesterday you agreed to let me go with Rosalie, Alice and Angela to Port Angeles on Friday. You will never know how much that meant to me. I know it was one of the hardest things you've ever had to do; to put trust in me when this situation was so out of control. But, I needed this.
Alice has been my best friend since kindergarten. I remember the first day like it was yesterday. Walking into that large room was the scariest moment of my existence to that point. My mother would be leaving me there for almost four hours with my teacher Ms. Cope, whom I'd only briefly seen at kindergarten round-up but was too shy to talk to, and then a handful of children that I'd never met.
Mom had bent down to my eye level as soon as we walked in the door. She said, "You're not an ordinary five year old, Bella. You're extraordinary. This is the first step in finding out what you can do. Don't be afraid of it. You have a creative, intelligent mind beyond your years, and this will help you express it in a fun and exciting way. Now, go make friends and be extraordinary. I'll pick you up after school is over and we'll go get ice cream and talk about what you did."
After her kiss on the cheek, the teacher took my hand and sat me down at a small desk toward the back of the class. The first thing we did was take roll call. Ms. Cope said, "Mary Brandon," and nobody responded. "Mary? Is there a Mary Brandon in this room?" She looked around and her eyes fell upon a little girl in the front row with short dark hair. She was almost half my size and barely taller than the chair she was in. "Dear, I think you're name is Mary Brandon. Am I right?"
The little girl looked confused and said, "No, my name is Alice Brandon, lady." The entire classroom laughed at her except me, and she blushed in embarrassment. She slouched down in her chair to hide herself even more. When the teacher got to my name, she asked for "Isabella Swan," and I decided not to answer. "Isabella, I think that's you in the back." She was pointing at me.
Alice Brandon looked up and followed her finger to my face. "No, my name is Bella Swan, lady," I said with a nod of my head. I was just as stubborn then as I am now. Alice smiled at me, and I smiled at her, and the rest was history. From that first day on, we huddled in the corner on a beanbag chair while I read her a book every rest period with our milk and graham crackers. She was my best friend, and I was hers.
There are two things I want you to give her for me.
First, if you don't want to sell it, I would like it if you could give her the diamond and tourmaline necklace. She's loved it since she saw it, and just like I carried a piece of you and my mother with me every time I wore it, she can carry a piece of me with her.
Second, please give her the children's books that I have in my library – the ones that my mother used to read to me. Brandon will be starting kindergarten soon, and I want her to have those so she can read to him every night.
I guess, can you do one more thing for me? Tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry.
"Marcus, can you come here?" Edward yelled toward the parking lot. I closed the notebook and slyly wiped away a tear that had escaped.
"What can I do for you, sir?" he asked when he'd made it all the way to us on the beach.
"Yesterday I agreed to let Bella go to Port Angeles with her three friends on Friday. I've put a lot of thought into this, and I'd really feel more comfortable if you took them there and kept an eye on them. I'll drive her Volvo to work. I know it's not in your job description to be a bodyguard, and I'm not asking you to be one necessarily, but you're the only other person besides me and Emmett that knows who I don't want getting near her."
Marcus' face was slightly shocked with Edward's question.
"You remember the man that we had you take back to his car the night of the reception?"
"Yes," he confirmed. "Jacob Black?"
"That's him. He is person number one that cannot get near her. James is the next, and after all these months, I think you know what he looks like."
"The angry blonde paparazzi guy?" Marcus asked.
"The one and only," Edward replied. "I'll give you an extra $100,000 to escort Bella wherever she needs to go safely. Is that something you can agree to?"
His eyes widened just as much as mine did. One hundred thousand dollars? "Edward-" I started to object with a shake of my head, but Marcus interrupted me.
"Yes, Mr. Cullen. I'll escort Bella and her friends wherever they please, and I will keep an eye out for James and Jake."
Edward seemed to relax. He turned to me and took my face in his hands. "Complain all you want, but this is the only way I'm allowing this to happen."
I nodded my head and swallowed thickly.
"Marcus, if Bella needs to go anywhere else over the next two weeks, can you take her there, too? I don't like keeping her on set when I know she's miserable being here. I can already tell she's been upset today."
WEDNESDAY – TEN DAYS
It's raining again, and it's not supposed to stop. Maybe it's a sign of what's to come. I don't know. Ten days, baby. I only have ten more days with you. I find myself afraid to go to sleep after we make love and not because of the dreams. I know that when I wake up, it will be one less day that I'll get to see your face. Despite how I've known this was what I had to do, it's getting harder to wrap my brain around it. Please forgive me.
I need to continue on with stories on my friends today.
Rosalie Hale was one of those girls that was destined to be popular. She transferred to our school when she was in the fourth grade and when Alice and I were in the second grade. Rosalie commanded a presence from the second she stepped foot in our halls. The boys worshiped at her feet, and the girls longed for her hair and clothes.
Then you had me and Alice. Tiny brunettes with pale skin and knobbly knees. The epitome of not cool. Rosalie had never spoken a word to us until one day when we were in the hall walking back from recess and were being bullied by two boys that were in her class.
"Hey!" she'd yelled down the hall. "Step away from those girls or I will jam my slap bracelet so far up your butts that I'll pull it out your throat and then slap it on your tongues."
Alice and I stood there, kind of scared of her more than the boys that had just run away, while she walked up to us.
"Cute scrunchie," she said, pointing at my hair.
"I like your jellies," she said to Alice.
We were a trio from that moment on. She never cared that we were younger than her or had less money or that she was always protecting us. She was our friend.
I would like it if you could give her all of the pictures of us girls that are on the walls and shelves in the house. She took us under her wing as we all grew up, and I'd like it if she had the option of putting them up on her wall at work with all of her "kids." Though she's only two years older than me, she was a motherly figure after my real mother had died. Her strength got me through the days sometimes.
Could you do something else for me? Tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry.
I glanced up from my letter and saw Emmett walking through a scene with Edward. Edward had been so focused these past few days, and they'd gotten so much done. I could see how much he loved what he did, and it made my heart swell knowing that he had something that fulfilled him.
You're happy, Edward. I can tell you are when you're working. Your eyes are alight and you put everything you have into each scene no matter how minor or important. Your work is an inspiration to so many people, including myself. I don't think I've ever told you that before. Don't ever give it up. You put your heart and soul into acting, and it comes out so beautifully.
Speaking of things coming out beautifully, I haven't told you about Angela. She came to join us when Alice and I were freshman in high school. She wore glasses, was gangly and carried a camera around her neck. The Algebra teacher had her sit in the available seat right behind me, and as soon as she sat in it, I turned around.
"Welcome to Forks High," I said. "Why do you have a camera, if you don't mind me asking?"
"I just like taking pictures," she shrugged shyly. "I don't go anywhere without it. I'm afraid I'll miss something important that should be captured for the world to see."
"What do you take pictures of?"
"Mostly people but some landscapes and animals. People are far more interesting to me. Their expressions are captivating."
"That's cool," I replied. "I'm Bella, by the way. This is Alice." I pointed my thumb to her next to me.
"I'm Angela," she said.
Two days later when I came into class again, there were two photos, one each on my desk and Alice's. It was the two of us at lunch laughing so carefree and unaware of everyone around us. The lighting in the photo made us look beautiful, something I never saw in myself. Alice, yes. But myself? No. I turned around to Angela who sat quietly in her desk looking anywhere but at me.
"Do you want to sit with us at lunch?" I asked. That's when I saw what she meant about people's expressions being captivating. Her scared, timid face morphed into one of pure joy and acceptance. We were four from that moment on. Four of the best friends you could ever find.
I want you to give her something for me. When I was in the hospital after you found me in the library, she told me that she wanted me to teach her how to play piano. I will never get to do that, but I would like it if you would give her my mother's piano. I hope that her playing will come out as beautifully as her photos. I know it will.
Also, tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry.
I closed the notebook, not ready to write what was next. The last thing I wanted to do was to cry right now after seeing all the beauty that was in this world that would soon be leaving. I'd save it until tomorrow.
Right now I needed my Edward.
THURSDAY – NINE DAYS
What am I doing, Edward? I'm leaving you behind. My father is going to be alone. You both love me so much. Will this break you? I felt like I was taking control of the situation, but nothing seems like it's in my grasp anymore. The way you held me last night... I never wanted you to let go. I wanted you to hold onto me and keep me from doing this. I so badly wanted you to find this letter and stop me. But, I can't not do this. It's the only way for you to live. They'll never stop unless I stop them myself.
In nine days, I will have gone to my father and told him everything that you and I have gone through.
In nine days, I will have left the police station and found James and Jake and told them what I'd done.
In nine days, my life will be over.
You told me I was the bravest and strongest person you ever knew once. Was what I did brave? Was it strong? You're reading this after it's already happened. I don't know what the outcome was after I was taken from this world. Please tell me they were arrested for my murder and will never harm you again. Are you safe and happy? Are you able to fall in love with someone else without fear?
I hope so. God, I hope so. This is all for you, Edward. You need to go on without me. Please promise me you will. My heart is aching with the uncertainty.
Do you think I'm in Heaven? I'm afraid that I'm in Hell like Jake said I would be. I don't want to go there, but if I have to, I will. Please don't follow after me wherever I am.
Will you do something for me? Can you give the paintings of the meadow to my father and explain the meaning behind them? He will be alone, and if he can have those, he will see what a beautiful world this place is even with me and mom gone, and he will have a piece of us with him whenever he looks at them. He will be surrounded by us at all times. It's the best that I can do besides watch over him if I'm in Heaven. I hope that I'm in Heaven.
Tell him that I love him, and that I'm sorry. If nothing else, tell him that.
Over the next nine days, I will be showing you how much I love you with everything that I am. I hope it is enough. I hope you know and can feel it. I hope that you feel me around you now as you read this. I'll always be with you. I'll never leave.
These words are my last that I will ever write. They are yours. My books are also yours. I want you to have every single one of them on every shelf in the store and in my library besides the children's books for Alice and Brandon. Before you came along, I lost myself in the stories to get through the days. They were just words and paper, much like this is, but they held a heartbeat and a life of their own. I was moved to laughter and tears because of those words on paper. They were my soul for so long until I met... you.
You have my soul now, Edward. I don't know if I get to take it with me wherever I go, so I'm giving it to you. I don't want it without you anyways.
I am in love with you, Edward Anthony Cullen. I have been since I first met you. You stole my heart and have kept it safe from day one. You will be the last thing I see before I go. I will think of every moment we have ever shared and smile because I was happy. Don't ever doubt that. I've always been happy. And, in love. So in love because I was loved by someone that was there for me in my darkest hour and brought me back.
Thank you for telling me that you loved me. Thank you for getting me to open my eyes. Thank you for kissing me and dancing with me. I will take all of these memories with me wherever I go. Hopefully Heaven, hopefully not Hell, but wherever I need to go for you to stay on this Earth.
I love you with every ounce of being in me. I'm sorry I lied and have had to let go. Please forgive me. And...
L I V E
Your Beautiful Bella
My fingers ripped out the eight pages of the letter to him quickly and folded them in half, afraid that I would change them or erase them or burn them. Reaching down into my bag, I pulled out an envelope that was already pre-addressed and stamped. I slid the letter inside. After moistening the adhesive with my tongue, I folded down the flap and pressed my thumbs down to secure the pieces together. My final words were locked away, ready to be mailed to him. He wouldn't read them until he was back in Los Angeles, well after I already gone...well after it was too late to stop me.
I stood from my seat and found Edward in the dressing room changing into another costume.
"Hey," I said, smiling at him, trying to hide my fear. "I need to go to the post office. You said Marcus could take me wherever I needed to go?"
His face fell into panic as soon as I said it, but he tried to smooth it. "Ummm, yeah. Hold on. Let me call him and get him in here."
Marcus walked in a few minutes later carrying a wet umbrella. "Yes, Mr. Cullen?"
"Bella needs to go to the post office. I need you to take her there safely and bring her back as soon as she's done. They are both out there, so don't do anything that could put her in danger."
"I understand, sir."
"You both need to exchange phone numbers just in case you get separated, though there should be no reason why you would be."
He handed me his phone, and I gave him mine, and we both programmed them in.
Edward pulled me to the side. "Please be careful, love," he whispered.
I sighed. "Nothing is going to happen. I'll be back in fifteen minutes. I promise."
He leaned down and kissed me with such intensity that I almost broke down in his arms. God, I was going to break him. I was leaving for fifteen minutes, and he was a mess.
I had to break the kiss or I'd never leave his side.
"Fifteen minutes," I said again, and I backed out of the room and left with Marcus by my side.
"Do you have what you need to mail with you?" he asked.
"Yeah, it's in my bag," I said, giving it a pat for good measure. "Can you make sure you get me back in time? I don't want to worry him."
"Of course, Miss Swan." He opened the back door for me, and I slid in.
As we pulled through the gate, I diverted my eyes to the right side of the vehicle away from James who was on the left. I couldn't look at him, yet. I didn't want to look at his blue eyes again until my final minutes. They were too cold and hollow. Looking out the window, I saw Seth standing there sullenly. He wiggled his fingers in a small wave, and I smiled sadly back at him. Why couldn't they all be like him?
I pulled out my phone and found the police station in my contacts now that I was officially away from Edward. After only two rings, Charlie picked up.
"Chief Swan."
"Hi, dad," I said quietly.
"Hey, Bells. What's up?"
"I was wondering if you were going to be working next Friday."
"Yeah. Billy and I are going fishing the next day, so I'm working a double shift."
"Billy?" I asked, perking up.
He laughed a little. "He called last night. Looks like we're going to try to work out this friendship thing. He said that if he knew where Jake was, he'd tell me, but he doesn't. I don't know how we'll do this with me out to beat the shit out of his son and then arrest him, but we're going to try."
I smiled. How could I not? If they could heal their friendship, I would leave my father with his best friend there for him.
"Why are you wondering if I'm working next Friday?"
I cleared my throat. "Ummm... I just need to talk to you about something."
His voice went from normal to stern instantly. "Isabella, I want you to tell me what's wrong right now. I know you too well. You're in trouble. I have sensed this for a while now."
"Dad, I can't tell you right now. Not yet. Just give me until next Friday, alright? I'll tell you absolutely everything. I'm fine, so don't worry about this. Promise me you won't worry."
He paused before speaking. "You'll tell me everything next Friday?"
"Every last detail."
"And, you're fine and safe and you're not in trouble?"
"All of that, dad," I lied.
"Then... I promise."
A minute later, Marcus pulled into a parking spot outside the stone building.
"I'd like to run this inside," I said. "I don't want rain to get it wet in the outside mail receptacle."
"Sure, let me run you inside with the umbrella."
I stood in front of the Out of Town mail slot and stared at my letter to Edward in my hands as it hovered halfway in and halfway out of the opening. This was it. Once I let go of the envelope and let it slide down into the bin on the other side of the wall, there was no going back, though it never was an option to begin with. At least he would know why. I would never have the opportunity to tell him except through this letter.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and let go.
FRIDAY – EIGHT DAYS
"Isn't this the life?" Rosalie practically groaned. "Who knew someone touching my feet could be so mother fucking relaxing like...all ooooover?"
The other three of us girls giggled and threw our hands over our faces at Rosalie's lack of mouth filter.
"God! This is almost as good as screwing Emmett."
"Rose!" we all yelled at the same time, trying to control our laughter.
"What?" she said, lifting her head off the headrest of the seat she was in. "I said almost."
We'd been in Port Angeles since ten this morning, and our pedicure was almost over. We were headed out to lunch next at this cute little Italian restaurant that Angela loved.
Edward had called at least ten times already out of concern for me, and I had to reassure him each time that I was following his rules and being safe. And, each time, I'd told him that I loved him. I couldn't hang up without saying that. When we'd paid and tipped the women responsible for our lovely toes, we ran outside in the rain to the sedan where Marcus stood with the doors open.
"La Bella Italia next, ladies?" he asked as we jumped in laughing about getting so wet.
"Yep!" they all exclaimed with enthusiasm. They all got in the backseat, and I sat in the front. It felt natural almost to be up here. If the reason that I knew Marcus the most wasn't good enough for me sitting up front, I wanted them to bond in the backseat together. The four of us would in eight days be a trio again. I wanted to be near them and enjoy one last girl's day, but I also thought it might be best to pull away.
Parking outside the restaurant, Marcus got out and escorted each of us up to the door two at a time so that we wouldn't get wet this time.
"Enjoy your lunch," he said. "Do you mind if I go and grab a bite to eat at the McDonald's down the block? I'll be back in five minutes and eat it in my car."
Alice spoke up. "You can come inside here and eat with us if you want."
"Oh, no, please. You ladies enjoy yourselves. Is it okay with you if I leave for a few minutes, Bella?"
This was clearly against Edward's orders, but I did not want to deny him food. If he did not feel comfortable enough to eat in the restaurant with us, then I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go.
"That's fine, Marcus. Just don't be long." I'd promised Edward I wouldn't put myself into any situation that I would need him, and I hoped this wasn't one of them.
We were seated in the middle of the restaurant, and the hostess handed us our menus and read off the specialties as we got situated.
"Can I get you lovely ladies anything to drink?" she asked.
"I'll have a glass of the moscato," Angela answered.
"How about a glass of your merlot," Rosalie replied.
"I'll try the house blush," I said.
"Water, please," Alice whispered.
My head snapped over to her immediately. I saw Angela do the same, but Rosalie kept her nose buried in her menu.
"I'll bring those right out," the waitress said before she turned and walked toward the bar.
"Alice," I spoke slowly. "Is there something you want to tell us?"
She looked up and smiled at Rosalie. "Maybe," she giggled.
"Are you?" Angela breathed, nearly bouncing out of her chair in excitement.
"Yes!" Alice shrieked. "I'm pregnant!" The entire restaurant turned toward our table at her outburst and started congratulating her.
"How far along are you?" Angela asked when the talking subsided.
"Eight weeks. I've been dying to tell all of you since I found out, but Rosalie had me keep it quiet. I just couldn't do it any longer. I'm having another baby, and I'm so happy!"
"Was Jasper just as happy?" Angela asked.
Alice's head nodded with fervor. "Oh, yes. We've been trying for a couple of months now. He loves Brandon and wanted another baby so badly. You know how he's been since he came home from Iraq. He's so full of love. I think it's bursting out of him, and he needed to direct it towards something new."
Rosalie and Angela both sighed and fell back into their chairs.
Alice smiled and turned her head to me before her face fell. "Bella? You're crying. Are you not happy for me?"
My fingers immediately went to my cheeks, and I felt the water there. I wiped it away as best I could, and tried to put on the biggest smile I could muster.
"I'm happy Alice. You have no idea how happy I am for you. Come here." I opened my arms and stood so I could give her the strongest hug I had in me. "Congratulations, sweetie," I whispered in her ear.
"You'll be there with me again?" she whispered back.
I choked back the sob that wanted to come out and nodded my head as more tears started to leak out. "I'll be there," I said. "Right next to you."
By the end of our meal, my strength was dwindling. I hadn't thought about how hard this was going to be, retelling stories of our childhood and thinking about the future and now the baby that I'd never fall in love with. It was all too much. When we walked outside, Marcus was waiting to take us to the downtown district to some clothing boutiques, and I hoped to find a dressing room to hide away in for a while to pull myself together.
We got situated again in our seats, and I leaned against the back, needing it to hold me up until we got there. That's when my phone rang. I'd never reprogrammed any songs into my phone since I'd gotten a new one, but I figured it was Edward calling.
Without looking at the screen, I answered.
"Hey," I said.
"Hello," a male voice replied.
"Edward?" I questioned. It didn't sound like him, but I wasn't sure.
"Nope. Not Edward."
I felt my blood run cold. "Who is this?" I whispered. Marcus looked over at me for a second before refocusing his sights back on the road in front of us. It had gotten very dark outside with the rain even though it was only mid-afternoon.
"The man from your nightmares."
My heart started to race. James. "Why are you calling me?" I whimpered quietly, hoping they wouldn't hear me in the back.
"You were about to cross that line we warned you about, Bella, and Jake and I just can't allow that to happen." I heard him tsk into the phone as if he was disappointed in me. Laughter in the backseat alerted me that the girls were talking and not paying attention to my conversation.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I lied. How did he know? Did he get his hands on my letter to Edward?
"Yes, you do. One week from today you were planning on telling daddy dearest all about me and my friend Jake. It's too bad you had to go and involve Chief Swan." I heard him grunt into the phone, and it wasn't until I heard a groan in the background that I put his words and the noises together.
I felt everything inside of me stop working. My blood stopped pumping. My breath stopped cycling. My brain stopped functioning. "What do you mean?"
"Oh, I'm just standing here in your bookstore, looking at your dad tied up and gagged on the floor with a gun pointed at his head. He doesn't seem to enjoy being kicked in the gut."
I gasped and grabbed my stomach, about to vomit.
"Bella?" Rosalie said, grabbing for my upper arm. "What's wrong?"
"Tell her what's going on, and I'll kill your father right now," James hissed in my ear. My breathing picked up.
"I feel like I'm going to be sick," I told her quickly. "Damn rancid chicken in my pasta."
She leaned forward and felt my forehead. "You're sweating Bella. Do we need to pull over so you can throw up?" Everyone's faces were concerned as they looked up at me.
I nodded quickly, already feeling it come back up my throat. Marcus pulled over at a trash can on the side of the road, and I jumped out with the phone still to my ear while I expelled the contents of my stomach.
"Feel better?" James and Rosalie asked at the same time.
"No," I almost cried. I couldn't peel my hand away from my mouth. My dream had come true. James had my father at gunpoint. He was going to kill him if I didn't do something.
"I need to go back to Forks," I said to Rosalie shakily.
She nodded and helped me back into the front seat next to Marcus. I got a glance of myself in the side mirror as I sat down. My face was ashen. All of the blood had drained from it, and I looked... dead. This was it. I had to save my father.
"I need to go home," I whimpered to Marcus who was staring right at me, expressing no emotion.
"See you when you get back," James said before he hung up. I dropped my phone to the floorboard and leaned my head against the window welcoming the coolness of the glass.
I wouldn't get to say goodbye to Edward or show him how much I loved him. I'd been too busy writing the letter during the day to just be with him. This wasn't supposed to happen this way. All I could do now was pathetically offer myself up in return for my father's life and hope they would take it. My life was what they seemed to want. That's why they had called. Please take it.
The world passed by outside the car as we drove home. It all went so fast. Tree after tree zoomed by like moments in my life. I couldn't hold onto them even if I tried. My childhood. My adolescence. My mother. My father. Jake. Edward. All had been or were being taken from me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
When Alice was dropped off, the final person in the car besides Marcus and me, I turned to him. "I need you to leave me at the bookstore. When you drop me off, do not tell Edward where I am. He cannot know," I begged.
He nodded, complying with my plea with no question, and pulled out of her driveway. I was only minutes away from my death, not eight days. Mere seconds. My eyes shut as I tried to hold off the tears.
I wasn't ready for this. Did I say the right things in the letter? Would he know this was for him, too, not just my father? I didn't know. How had this all gone so wrong?
"What did you expect?" Marcus asked all of a sudden breaking the heavy silence.
I turned to him, not understanding what he meant. "What?" I asked quietly.
"Did you really think we would let you go to your father, Bella?"
AUTHORS END NOTE:
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