Lou McCloud was a woman in love. And in many ways, it seemed to her that it was like the very first time. She would never deny that she had loved Kid and loved him deeply. But she had been a girl back then. A girl who lived as a boy. Their romance had been exciting and new, but had to remain a secret. Lou had no doubt that the secrecy had added a certain charm to their relationship. Each time they stole a kiss there was a thrill of fear that they might get caught. But their love was also turbulent, always pulling and pushing one or the other.
What she had with Jimmy felt different. She was a woman now, in more ways than one. Glancing in the mirror hanging in Rachel's hallway, she realized she finally looked the part. Her auburn hair fell in soft waves to the middle of her back now, plenty long enough for her to put up like the fine lady Kid had always wanted her to be. It was also long enough to be plaited into a tidy braid, perfect for tossing over her shoulder when she was working the ranch. But Jimmy preferred her hair down and free.
She thought back to their last dinner in town. She had spent an hour trying to get her hair to look like one of the styles in Rachel's newest Godey's Lady's Book. Theresa and Rachel both had helped, tucking hair pins here and there until Lou's head felt like a pincushion. When an errant hair pin had fallen from her elegant coiffure onto her plate, she had been mortified. She laughed it off as best she could, and Jimmy had simply given her a crooked grin and an amused shake of his head. And then he had said one of the sweetest things she'd ever heard.
"That hair pin had the right idea. Yer hair's too pretty to bind it all up like that." He reached up and plucked another loose pin from her hair and handed it to her.
"Ya don't like it?" She hated the plaintive tone her voice had taken on. When did she become the kind of woman who worried about fancy hairstyles?
"Oh, it's right nice, but it ain't quite you." His voice was soft, gentle. His words should have ruffled her, but instead she felt as if he had caressed her ever so tenderly.
"It ain't?" Her words were a breathless whisper.
"You ain't the kind to be so stiff and formal. The Lou McCloud I know and love is freedom and a fast horse, a little bit wild and little bit soft." Jimmy's eyes twinkled as he plucked another pin from her hair.
As they strolled toward the livery, he made a game of plucking out her hair pins. By the time they got to their horses, her hair was tumbling down her shoulders and her cheeks hurt from laughing at his antics.
Yes, this love felt different. Maybe it was because she was older. Maybe it was because she and Jimmy had been friends for so many years. He had always been her staunchest supporter, never letting the fact that she was a girl get in the way. He respected her abilities and her ideas. And Lou could see a change in him too. He was trying hard to accept the possibility of happiness. She knew it was hard for him to believe that he wouldn't meet a violent end, but there was an easiness to his demeanor these days that told her he was relenting.
She was the one who worried now. Rock Creek had a reputation for law and order thanks to Teaspoon and Jimmy's efforts, but being a lawman always held a certain level of danger. Lou was understanding more and more just how hard it must have been for Kid to watch her ride off into danger. She had worried over Kid too, but back then she was often by his side. Now that she was removed from the dangers, the lack of control could be maddening.
Maybe it was this realization that brought her to the clearing where she had once told Kid she wasn't going anywhere, that she would be there for him after he lost his childhood friends. She sat on the same fallen tree that he had once leaned against. It was in this spot that she and Kid had really started to find their ways back to each other, and she felt closer to him here than anyplace else in Rock Creek.
"Hi, Kid," she started shyly. "I know it's been awhile since I talked to ya, and I'm sorry 'bout that. It's just... I just... I guess I just had some things I needed to figur' out fer maself." She looked around, confirming yet again that she was all alone. "And I wanted to apologize. I think I been blamin' ya fer events that weren't really yer fault."
Lou took a deep breath to calm herself and laughed nervously. "It's funny, ain't it? I always had such a hard time sayin' sorry to ya and admittin' blame. But here I am, and you... Well I reckon if ya could hear me in Virginia, you can hear me in Rock Creek." At these words a gentle breeze kissed her face, almost as if Kid were giving her a sign. Maybe he really was listening. "Oh Kid, what happened to us? We had so much love back then. But maybe, maybe it wasn't the right kind of love. We had the thrillin' kind of love, a passion that made it hard to keep our hands off each other. But we never had a chance just to love one another in a normal life." She sighed. It had all made so much more sense in her head.
"I guess what I'm gettin' at is that maybe we shoulda waited to get married. It's not that I regret marryin' ya... I just don't know if maybe things woulda been better if..." Lou drifted into a thoughtful silence. "I don't know, Kid. I guess there was just so much goin' on, that we never got to be who we were meant to be. I never really told ya 'bout all the doubts I had. I owed it to ya to be honest about mah fears. I was afraid I would lose maself, and I did. And I been blamin' you fer that. But if I weren't honest with ya, how could ya really understand?"
She chuckled as she continued, "I know what yer thinkin', and no, I ain't been horsekicked or drinkin'. And don't get me wrong, you were so pigheaded about a lot of things that I coulda screamed. Well, I probably did at least a few times. And we sure could go round and round, couldn't we?" Her smile faded as she remembered their parting words.
"But I really am sorry that I didn't tell ya everything before we got married. I think there were a lot of conversations we shoulda had back then. And since we're bein' honest here, I'll admit that I don't regret lovin' ya or marryin' ya. But I sure regret what came after 'I do.' Mostly 'cause ya left." She wiped an errant tear from her cheek and continued, "I think I coulda muddled through anything with ya by mah side. But mah greatest fear was bein' alone... and ya left me." She wiped away another tear and took a deep breath.
"But now I want to talk to ya about somethin' else, er someone else. Ya probably know I'm talkin' about Jimmy. You know we was always close. But now we're closer. I, well, I love 'im. And he loves me. And he makes me happy, and Kid, it's been a long time since I felt that way. I know our vows were 'til death do us part, and so it's okay fer me to move on." A hint of a smile pulled at her lips. "Though I guess if ya can see me here, you can see me everywhere else. So ya already know about it... But I guess I just felt I should tell ya anyway."
She sat for several minutes, telling Kid all about Jimmy. Finally she rose from the fallen tree and walked to her horse. After gaining her mount, she looked back to where she had just been sitting. "Kid, I need to leave the past in the past. I don't want ya to think I'll forget ya. I'll always remember yer smile and yer eyes and the sweet way ya courted me. You'll always be a part of me. But I gotta look to the future now. And Jimmy's mah future. He makes me happy, and I think maybe I can make him happy too... But no matter what, I gotta try." She drew a ragged breath. "Goodbye, Kid."