Well guys, here it is... I had a LOT of trouble with this chapter, so I really hope you like it. It's a hard one because after we find out Jim was the complainer, you don't see much Pam interaction outside of the small acknowledgement that she heard him and the stare forward. So, hopefully I'm into little Pamela's head. :)

Next is Casino Night. That will take hours to write, I'm sure. I may split it up into different entries, I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it. Most likely, I'll use her journal as the medium that really gets her thinking and realizing what she's done wrong... But, we'll see.

Also. Pay attention here, people. Katy04 and I will be writing a joint story together. Because FF won't let us post it seperately and we're both going to be writing and uploading, we've created a new penname that is for the two of us for our joint stories. It is AG.and.Katy, so if you like either of us or both of us, go find our profile, add us to your author alerts/favs whatever, and look for the story to be up within the next few days. :)

Reviews:
Madi- Yeah, the story will go in through the third season at least. I have to have SOMETHING to do with the writers strike going on still!
SmallTuna- Yeah, that scene just amazes me. They are both wonderful actors... I would LOVE to know what John was thinking about to get that look in his eyes when they were doing that scene. It was perfect. Mmm, I disagree about Roy. I think there is SOME good under there. There are plenty of episodes that show that (the one that comes to mind, when Pam's mom comes to visit?) I think there is evidence in the way Pam practically floats on air after their vacation. I think, honestly, Roy's problem is that a) he doesn't understand women or how to be a good boyfriend and b) he thinks he has to hide his good moments when his friends are around. I think he's more like Karev than you think!! (and yeah, I have more insight into chapters I like... I'm not sure if it's because I really like the episodes where I can tell Pam is shaken up, or if I would rather write for an episode that I like or what it is... BUT, I will say there are some episodes I really like for reasons other than Pam, and I can't write about that on here).
Mrs.BigTuna- Oh thank you! I adore Jen Celotta... I believe she wrote Performance Review, as well. Yeah, I think there are a few monumental things we see in that scene. 1) Pam knows Jim SO well that she can pick up on his desire to say things 2) Jim desperately wants to let her in, but can't 3) They live to talk to each other and 4) I think for the first time Pam begins to understand what's up with Jim, not that she'll let herself admit it.
Maddikinz- Thanks darling! I did review your story, which you already know because you replied! Thanks for calling me a good author, made my day!
Katy- You would. I usually listen to your comments. Sometimes, maybe.
Mrs. Brody- I can just see her wanting to spill all to Jim about the joint, but not wanting to until he can respond!! And honestly, can't you see Dwight not even checking to see if it was a real joint? Haha.
Glinda- I'm glad you liked it!

April 23, 2006

You know, I'm one of those people that will be really angry at first, but the more I think about it, the less it seems like a big deal. Eventually, most things just blow over... And the things that don't, well, those are the big things. The ones that may never blow over. I like to think I'm good at picking my battles because of this part of my personality. It's really easy for me to just let things blow over, you know? To move on with my life after arguments. And that's a good thing.

Except when someone does something that pisses me off to the point where I can't even think straight, even days after the event… Okay, maybe I'm not really pissed. I think I'm more just hurt. Yeah. Hurt. Really, really flipping hurt.

Sometimes, the things that Jim does… Well, they just hurt me. Really badly. It's almost like he has this express ticket into my heart and sometimes, he brings a jackhammer with him and sometimes he leaves it at home. I hate that feeling. The constant guarding. What if he hurts me? He's just so difficult sometimes…

I don't understand him. Why can't he just be happy for me? Isn't that what friends do? Friends take care of each other. They have each other's backs. Regardless of what happens. Regardless of if they're making stupid decisions. Regardless. Friends stand up for each other. And friends are happy for each other when the other one is happy. That's the way friendship works. This isn't rocket science. Did he miss kindergarten or something?

I am happy. I am happy where I am. Roy and I are getting married in a little over a month. My sister and I are getting along great. I'm not getting much time to paint or draw, but I'm doing it sometimes on the corners of napkins and things. I'm just happy where I am. I'm happy at this stage in my life. Why can't he be happy that I'm happy?

The thing about Jim is he always seems like he's jealous when he's around me. I don't know what that's about. He gets defensive and guarded sometimes, and I wish he would just let his guard down. Just once. Tell me what in the world it is that is going on with him. He clams up, especially when it's more than just me. And I don't understand it. When did he become that guy? Ever since the Booze Cruise, he's steadily gotten weirder and weirder and… I don't know. Maybe the other day was just the final straw, but really, I don't know. If it happened as a standalone, I think I'd still be upset.

Basically, I've been planning my wedding at work, which I know I've written about before, but yeah, here it is. Well, JIM complained to Toby about it and filed an actual complaint! And now the whole office knows, and he just played along when I thought it was Angela. Didn't even say anything. But the worst part is, I told him thinking I could trust him. I thought he would keep the secret, be okay, whatever. I thought he would be my friend, and then he goes off and tells Toby about how horrible I am. "Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?" The nerve of him! What an ass!

I guess, the thing that hurts me most is that of all the people, it was him… He's the one that's upset that I'm planning my wedding. He's the one that I tell everything to. He's my best friend. If anyone is supposed to be happy for me, wanting me to be happy, wanting me to succeed no matter what, it should be him, shouldn't it? If anyone is supposed to keep my secrets, he should be the one. And yet, it's almost like he can't handle it. Maybe my happiness is just eating at him inside, I don't know. I don't know if he's jealous or angry or upset or what it is. I don't know if it has anything to do with me. I just know I miss my old friend… And I wish that I had a best friend that I could lean on right now. One that isn't going to Australia while I'm getting married. God, doesn't he know how much I need him?

It's just… he's the only one I count on. I talk to him about all of the stuff I can't talk to anyone else about, not even myself. I guess it just felt like a personal rejection. You know? It's just hard to explain… I'm already freaking out enough about the wedding, and he's just riding in on his black horse to ruin my day again.

I just… Why is he like this? And why am I so hurt by this? It's irrational for me to be this hurt. I know it's irrational for me to be this hurt.

My grandmother used to say, "Only the ones you love can hurt you." I guess that's kind of true. If you don't love someone, he or she wouldn't have enough control over you to hurt you. It's weird though… Roy, he doesn't really hurt me much anymore… I mean, he hasn't, recently… It's more just the memories of what used to be and the overall disrespect he sometimes pulls… But it's not normally a gut wrenching pain… Not like it was with Jim.

I'm hoping it will all just blow over. Maybe I need a little more time. Jim's friendship means so much to me; I don't want to lose it over something silly like Roy and my's wedding.

I have this frightening thought… What if I don't want to be married as much as I want to get married? Neah, that's not possible, is it?

Maybe I'm just up in arms over the whole wedding thing because now Angela's gonna be there. Oh well, what can you do?

Word of the Day:

Friends (Frenz)-Two people who are always there for each other, despite the stupid decisions one makes in front of the other. As C.S. Lewis would say, "Friendship is born the minute one person says, 'hey, me too!'."

Sentence: Jim's my friend, but friends have to tell each other stuff or else it never works out.

Please review and tell me what you think! Anything you want to see in casino night, next chapter? I'm holding it ransom. I want 10 good reviews, telling me what you liked and hated, and telling me what you NEED to see in the next chapter. You can do it.

Ps. I LOVE the line "Jim's friendship means so much to me; I don't want to lose it over something silly like Roy and my's wedding." It just came out of my fingers and when I went back and read it, I got chills.