A/N: I own nothing. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

"I'm bored," I whisper into the shoulder of the man sitting next to me, but he doesn't respond.

I pout and force myself to close my eyes and let my mind blank out. The problem is that when I do my mind starts flashing old memories that I worked very hard to bury. Memories I was sure I drowned in alcohol until they were just fuzzy pictures I had no feelings about.

Memories like Future Max disappearing into thin air right in front of me, twisting the proverbial knife so deeply I collapsed in heaving sobs and cried myself to sleep on the balcony.

Watching them lower Alex into the ground, my hands wound tightly in Maria's to stop myself from jumping into the grave with his casket, like a deranged widow throwing herself onto her husband's pyre.

I didn't want him to be all alone. It seemed unbearable, to be separated from him by six feet of mulch.

"I can't do it." I announce. "I'm sorry, I can't do it."

"Liz," Kyle whines. "I can't teach you meditation if you won't even try."

"I did try! Except instead of seeing floaty clouds and feeling all peaceful and calm, my brain vomits up some subconscious memory that I really don't want to look at."

Kyle nods, a contemplative look on his face. "To make peace with oneself one must make peace with the past."

"Whatever you say, Ghandi."

"It's good advice," he defends, and ducks into his house through the back door and unsurprisingly comes back a minute later with a six-pack.

"You want?" He settles into a deck chair next to me and offers me a bottle.

"You're a bad influence," I say, but I take the beer anyway.

"Oh please. You dated Sean DeLuca."

I gape at him. "Did Maria tell everyone?"

"You're not as subtle as you think. It's a small town. People see things."

"Whatever, we barely dated. I haven't talked to him in weeks." I mumble.

"Good," Kyle says lightly. "Otherwise I'd have to kick his ass."

I shake my head at him, laughing. "Haven't you done enough for me?"

"You call, I answer." He says it without any bitterness but I flinch anyway. He's too good for me. He'd never say it but it's true. I used him and he let me, because some part of him still loves me enough not to deny me.

And the next day, hell, the next week at school Kyle eyed me sympathetically when girls hissed SLUT at me and he walked right by the guys who tried to high five him in the hallways.

I don't know who started the rumor that the star quarterback took his ex-girlfriend's virginity in a meaningless hook up. An ex-girlfriend who used to make up half the sophomore class power couple that was Max and Liz. My money's on the small blond hellion of a girl not native to Earth but I guess I'll never know.

Like typical high school patriarchies mine shunned me, Kyle became a hero, and Max suddenly had sympathetic, hopeful single girls following him everywhere because even though he's shy and smart and tries to fade into the background Max is weirdly popular. It must be the dark, handsome and mysterious thing he has going on.

"You and Evans back together?" Kyle asks causally, like we're not talking about the man I dumped Kyle for last year.

"Yeah," I say softly.

A flash of disappointment crosses his face so quickly I almost miss it.

"I'm sorry, Kyle." I shouldn't feel guilty- he and I broke up almost two years ago- but I do. He's been a good friend to me this year when I didn't have anyone else. Unexpectedly, Alex's death brought Kyle and I closer together.

Kyle shrugs nonchalantly. "It's okay. I let you go a long time ago. I know you would always choose Max over me. Remember the night your grandmother had a stroke? We were in the waiting room and Max showed up, and you gave him this look and I just knew."

"Knew what?"

"That you would never look at me that way."

I hang my head in shame, embarrassed at the way I acted that night. Breaking up with Kyle was the right decision, but I did it impulsively, completely blinded my emotions. I was terrified that my grandmother was dying and I was furious about what had happened to Max, convinced that it Kyle hadn't done it, he certainly knew about it.

It was a snap decision, but Kyle was right, even if I wasn't ready to admit that to myself. I would never have loved Kyle the way I love Max.

"It's okay," he reassures me. "I'm happy for you."

"Thanks," I sigh.

"So if you two are back together, what's bugging you so much?"

"Huh?"

"Liz, how long have I known you?"

"I don't know...forever I guess."

"And I always know when something's bothering you."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yep," Kyle says confidently.

I look down at my hands, debating whether or not to open up to him. It feels weird talking about my relationship with Max, but we are friends now. God knows we've had stranger conversations than this.

"Do you ever think about what we did last year?" I ask him.

Kyle cocks an eyebrow. "We did a lot of things last year."

"You know what I'm talking about. The thing I asked you to do for me."

"Oh, that thing?" he teases.

"Can you be serious for one minute, I need to ask you something. Why would you do that for me, without even knowing why I wanted you to do it? Why risk your reputation for that?"

Kyle shrugs. "I trust you, I guess. And you're a hard person to turn down. And no offense, but you seemed kind of desperate."

"Do you want to know why I did it?" I ask quietly.

Kyle stares at me, surprised. "You would tell me?"

"I think you deserve to know," I answer honestly. "I should have told you from the beginning. Maybe...things would have played out differently," I sigh, frustrated, hovering on the precipice of what could have been. "And I'm sick of keeping secrets. I can't do it anymore. I can't be with Max and not tell him. It's not right."

"You feel guilty about it," Kyle correctly assesses.

"I feel guilty about a lot of things."

Kyle leans back in his chair. "This better be a hell of a story, girl."

Fifteen minutes and two beers later my throat is hoarse from purging my confession. Kyle stares at me, slack jawed.

"Shit, Liz," he mutters. "That's seriously fucked up."

I laugh bitterly. "That's one way to put it." I sigh and run my hands through my hair. "I have to tell him, don't I?"

"Doesn't seem like keeping secrets does any of us any good," Kyle muses. "Hey, if you had told me what Max was I never would've gotten shot and I wouldn't have to worry about turning into you," he smirks.

"That's so not the same thing! If I told you, you would have run to your dad. And you were like, practically stalking me. You got yourself into this."

"Stalking, really? Now you're hurting my feelings. I was merely concerned for your well being."

"Do you think Max will hate me?"

"Hate you? No, definitely not. Hell, he'll probably be thrilled to find out I didn't deflower you. I would try to focus on that particular point."

"Right," I say dryly. "Aside from the status of my virginity, you think he'll be okay with everything? Would you?"

"Liz," Kyle says gently, laying a hand on my arm. "You are the smartest, nicest, prettiest girl I have ever had the pleasure of dating. He'll forgive you."

"Thank you," I duck my head, embarrassed at the compliment.

"I know I didn't say it back then, but I loved you," Kyle says softly. "I probably always will."

I look into his clear blue eyes and am reminded by another boy with eyes like that, eyes that reflected kindness and honesty, eyes that twinkled just for me. I lay a hand over Kyle's and pat it gently. "I love you too."