a/n: I don't think I've written a Cargan based chapter this whole story :O well, hopefully this one makes up for all of that! Just to clear up any upcoming confusion: after everything that happens in the beginning with Carlos' ~dreams I guess you could call them, and after he flat lines, he basically goes into limbo. He's not dead yet but by the end you'll definitely know if he is or not. And that's all I'm going to say other than this is quiet a lengthy chapter (aka its REALLY freakin long) and I don't own anything.
Chapter Twenty
You appear just like a dream to me, just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me, all I need, every breath that I breathe - Miley Cyrus, "When I Look At You"
Carlos didn't know where he was right now. At first, he thought he was laying in the hospital… sleeping? Was he sleeping? He wasn't really sure.
He could hear Kendall and James talking to him, he could feel Kendall holding his hand. He wasn't sure how much time had passed or how long he was sleeping for, but now he wasn't sleeping.
He was in the school cafeteria, laying on the floor under a table. His eyes widened as the sight before him cleared and he saw Logan and James standing there before him, a gun in Logan's hand. What in the world was going on? Was that a real gun in Logan's hand? He watched in terror as Logan raised the gun above his head and started firing bullets to the ceiling. "Logan stop it!" he shouted, crawling out from under the table. Logan and James both turned to look at him; James looked downright terrified and Logan looked… not like Logan. There was something in his eyes that was missing, he looked lost. He looked like a ghost of himself. Carlos didn't like it, not one bit. "Logie, please." he begged with him. "You're not thinking clearly. Just - just put the gun down and it'll be okay." he had to reason with him, calm him down, make him stop whatever he was going to do. He had to be strong right now.
Logan stared at him long and hard; it was bone-chilling. "Okay? What do you know about me being okay Carlos? You haven't talked to me all year!" he snapped, and Carlos swallowed thickly, wringing his hands together. "But what does that matter, right?" Logan asked him, then looked at James. "I don't matter to you guys anymore, right?"
"You're wrong, Logan!" Carlos heard a new voice enter the scene and was relieved to see Kendall crawling out from under a table he was previously hiding under. Kendall always knew how to fix everything - he would fix this too.
"Oh, look, it's a reunion." Logan said, sarcasm dripping from his lips. Carlos was so confused; who was this person before him, holding a gun and screaming at them? Where was the real Logan?" "Tell me, did you guys even think this would happen again- the four of us together in a room?" he continued, starting to pace in front of the three of them. Carlos' heart was pounding in his ears. "The same room, by the way, because that hasn't even happened in months. Did you even think we would talk again? Or did you ever imagine that it would take me with a gun to bring us back together?"
"Logan… is that what this is about?" James asked him, looking over at Carlos and Kendall. Subtly, Carlos shrugged in reply.
"It's just everything, James!" Logan cried, and the three of them flinched. "I can't do this anymore! I can't do this alone!"
"Do what, Logie?" Carlos asked him quietly, his voice frail and afraid.
"Don't call me 'Logie'." Logan seethed and Carlos jumped back in surprise. His heart started to pound harder and harder in his chest. "You haven't called e that since we stopped being friends, don't even think of calling me that now!" Logan snapped at him. Carlos felt his stomach drop.
"Logan," Kendall started, his typical 'take control' voice shining through and once again, Carlos relaxed a little bit. Kendall would fix this. He always did. "We just want to help you."
Logan scoffed. "You haven't wanted to help me in months." he replied. "Why do you care now?"
Carlos was speechless, he didn't know what to say to that. Because he knew that deep down, everything Logan was saying was true. They hadn't talked to him in months, the four of them weren't even friends anymore. Everything had completely dismantled - now more than ever. He felt himself started to get nervous, his palms sweating and his hands shaking. Was it their fault he was doing this?
"Logan, just put the gun down and we'll talk." James told him.
"Y- yeah." Carlos added. He side glanced over to James. His face was as white as a ghost. "You don't want to do anything drastic."
Logan just rolled his eyes.
"Logan, please listen to us." Kendall pleaded with him. Carlos nodded; Logan needed to listen, he needed to see he was making a mistake right now. He needed to put the gun down, and the four of them would talk.
But when he saw the expression on Logan's face, the pure hatred in his eyes, his blood ran cold. "You are one to talk about listening." he said to Kendall, his voice in an eerily low volume, but steadily raising in volume. "All three of you! You have no right to tell me to listen to you when you've haven't been listening to me! You know guys, some people are just dying to be heard!" he was yelling at them now, the three of them flinched at his harsh tone. Carlos had to be dreaming, this couldn't be happening. Logan took a deep breath and then said in a whisper, "But you just don't get it. You never did, and now I guess you never will."
"Logan-"
"No, you guys just don't understand!" Logan cut Kendall off. "I- I feel like I could be screaming as loud as I could but no one would hear me; you guys wouldn't hear me!"
'I would hear you,' Carlos wanted to say. He wanted to tell Logan that he would try to hear from now on. He would listen, he would help him. He would be there again. "Logan, we can fix this." he said in a shaky voice. His eyes ached from holding back tears. He didn't know how much longer he could be stronng. "Just - just put the gun down."
Logan shook his head. "Maybe now you guys will finally realize." he said simply as he cocked the gun. It was a sound Carlos wished he could forget.
James shook his head. "You don't want to do this, man." He whispered.
'Don't do this, Logie,' Carlos wanted to say. But he didn't. He was speechless.
Logan let out a humorless chuckle, contradicting the tears falling down his cheeks. "It's too late. Like you ever cared." he whispered then put the gun to his forehead, pinching his eyes shut.
Carlos couldn't take this. This couldn't be happening - why was this happening? "Logan no!" he pinched his eyes shut just as the sound of the trigger being pulled and the gun firing filled his ears.
His eardrums were ringing but he could barely hear it over the way his heart was pounding a mile a minute in his chest. Tears were pooling down his cheeks and his entire body was trembling. Did he dare to open his eyes?
He felt a hand rubbing across his shoulders comfortingly, and timidly he opened his eyes. But he wasn't in the cafeteria any more; he was seated outside on a bench, dressed in a tux. He looked around, confused, until his eyes focused on the elder man in the front of all the rows of seats. "Today," he started, sorrow evident in his voice. "We acknowledge a really terrible loss. Today we come together to remember the life of Logan Phillip Mitchell." once again, Carlos' heart jumped up into his throat and he was sure he was going to throw up. "Although we know he had so much life left in him, we thank God for the seventeen years he did have. Let us pray."
Carlos lowered his head, looking down at his lap, tears sliding down his cheeks and dripping down onto his pants. He knew he could pray all he wanted but Logan wasn't going to come back. And he knew that it was his fault Logan was gone.
"Heavenly Father," the minister started the prayer. "The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more." he paused to let those words sink in before closing his Bible and continuing. "May the Lord watch over our hearts in this dark time. In His name we pray, amen."
"Amen." everyone murmured, their voices low.
"Amen." Carlos whispered, barely audible.
"And now, as a final goodbye to Logan," the minister said. "You may all step forward to place your rose on his grave.
Carlos looked down at the white rose in his hands; he had almost forgotten that he was holding it. Gently, his fingers traced over the petal. Logan loved white roses. He used to say that the color white has always been synonymous with purity and virtue, as well as sincerity, purity, and chastity; therefore, Logan would tell them that white roses represented affections that were straight from the heart and were as pure as virgin snow. Carlos never liked white roses; he thought red ones were prettier. But now, today, he couldn't help but to think about how pretty the white rose in his hand was, and he could almost hear Logan's voice spouting facts about white roses to him. Almost.
Kendall and James rose from their seats, and he followed their lead. As he was brought back to reality, he slowly moved forward, towards the front of the funeral with the two of them. He walked slowly, like his body was rejecting the movement. His legs felt stiff and worn out. As he moved, he could feel everyone's eyes on him, searing holes into him as they were the last ones to drop their roses on Logan's grave. One by one, the three of them knelt before the headstone. Carlos stared at it until his tears made the sight blurry. He blinked and read it over once more.
Here lies Logan Phillip Mitchell.
Loved son and friend.
Gone but not forgotten.
Carlos watched as James reached out to touch it, his fingers tracing over the flawless marble. Tears stung at his eyes as he whispered, "I'm sorry."
Carlos wanted more than ever to tell Logan he was sorry. He wanted to tell him so many things, but he couldn't now, it was too late. Logan was gone.
Sniffling, Carlos closed his eyes, just wanting to escape reality for a second. He needed to clear his head, to think straight. He forced them open a moment later and he was now standing in Logan's bedroom. It looked like someone still lived here- the bed looked slept in, like he woke up and never made it; the closet door was open, revealing his array of clothing and shoes he wore; on his dressers were a lot of his things, varying from deodorant and body spray, to pens and paper scattered all over the place. But it didn't feel right to be in here, like stealing a cookie from the cookie jar with his mom blatantly watching him. "Guys, I don't feel right about doing this." He said as he wrung his fingers together nervously, looking at James who was seated at Logan's computer desk, typing away.
James muttered something that Carlos couldn't make out, but it caused Kendall to swiftly hit him in the ribs. "Look, we're just doing some investigating." the blonde told him. "Like we're in the FBI." Carlos' shoulders ceased some of its tension; he always wanted to be in the FBI. He turned his attention back on to James who was just now getting into Logan's computer, and froze upon seeing Logan's desktop background was a picture of the four of them from a few years ago. James tried to hide it by quickly opening Logan's documents file, but Carlos had already saw it, and he couldn't erase the image from his memory.
"So what are we looking for?" James asked, breaking the silence.
Kendall shrugged. "Anything. I don't know really…"
Carlos walked close to James an looked over his shoulder. "Is there anything in his documents?"
"Uh…" James scanned the page. "Looks like homework mostly- wait. This might be something." James clicked onto a folder that was named 'personal' and a list of documents loaded before them, none of them properly named, just dated. "This one's from the day before he… well you know." James muttered the last part, clicking on the last document in the list. When it loaded and was fully open, the boys read it silently.
The video's finished. They're more than likely never going to see it because tomorrow… tomorrow's the day. Everything's been said and done.
Carlos couldn't believe what he was reading. "He… actually planned this." shockwaves were going all throughout his body making him immobile. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he couldn't do anything. Once again, he felt completely useless.
"What does he mean, the video's finished?" Kendall asked after a moment of scanning the short passage again.
"Uh, I can check in his videos folder." James suggested, timidly. Carlos looked over at him; he looked afraid. "Sh-should I?"
There was a moment of silence between the three boys as they contemplated their next move, until Kendall finally said, "Do it."
Carlos didn't take his eyes off of the computer as James nodded and clicked over to the My Videos folder on his computer. When it loaded, there was only four videos were there. They were all filmed the day the last entry in his 'personal' folder was written. Only one of them didn't have a name- it was just a sequence of numbers named from his webcam- but the other three were labeled: Kendall, James, and Carlos.
Carlos' face paled. Why did Logan have a video in there about him? Then he thought, did he really even want to know what it was?
More silence followed as James' shaky fingers guided the mouse over to the unnamed video and he clicked on it. The sound of the mouse clicking onto the video sounded louder than it should've and Carlos flinched. Nobody in the room seemed to be breathing.
When it started playing, Logan was sitting on his bed, his head bowed. In his lap, was a piece of paper. When he raised his head and took a deep breath, it became clear to them that he was crying. "Warning signs of suicide." he said directly into the camera, and then picked up the paper. Wordlessly, Carlos as well as James and Kendall watched as Logan listed off the signs of suicide, one of them being withdrawing from family and friends. When he finished, he threw the paper aside and spoke directly into the camera again. He told them that the signs were there. Why didn't they notice? He asked them why they hated him so much. Carlos brought his fist up to his mouth and bit down on his middle knuckle to keep from breaking down and sobbing. He didn't know why he was trying to keep his cool when James was damn near losing it, but he still tried to hold it together. Then, Logan said he hated himself and the video ended with him saying that he was "just done."
Carlos was hugging James by the time the video ended, telling him that it was okay. He squeezed James tightly, resting his head on top of his as his own tears streamed down his face. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to pretend this wasn't happening, wishing and hoping that none of this was happening. But it was and there was no changing it.
Carlos heard yelling and he opened his eyes to see that he, James and Kendall were walking down the sidewalk together, and James and Kendall arguing with each other - again. He didn't understand how the two of them keep fighting - and over nothing at that. They never used to be like this. If he could do anything to stop James and Kendall from fighting, he would do it. He just wanted his friends back.
Moments later, both James and Kendall left him, the two of them too mad at each other to be in the same area anymore. And Carlos was left to walk home alone.
He pulled his hood up over his head, hiding himself from the world. It was times like these when he missed Logan the most - he missed having someone who understood him. All four of the guys had their breaking points and what made them sensitive, but Carlos and Logan were easily the most sensitive of the four. Logan was always there when something had upset Carlos, because he understood what he was feeling. If nobody in the world could cheer Carlos up, Logan would try and always succeed.
He sighed to himself. Why couldn't Kendall and James just stop fighting? So what if they didn't see eye-to-eye on everything, they needed to realize that they fight because they care and since they obviously care, they need to stop fighting. Maybe then, the three of them would be able to go back to the way things used to be… or at least some extent of that.
"Hey, Garcia!" Carlos stopped walking upon hearing a voice - an unrecognizable one, at that - call his name, and slowly turned around. However, he immediately regretted it when he saw the boys from the hockey team, the same ones that had harassed James in the bathroom, walking towards him. "Where ya headed?" the presumed leader asked, and Carlos remembered him from when he was on the hockey team. His name was Nate, and Carlos hated him then - because he was always trying to one up everyone on the team, and he was just generally a jerk - and he still hated him now, for what he did to James.
"None of your businesses." Carlos replied, feigning bravery. "Just leave me alone."
"Or what? You're gonna kill me too?" Nate taunted him, stepping closer until they were face to face. "Just like you killed Logan?" he continued.
"I didn't kill Logan!" Carlos snapped, shoving Nate roughly, his hands balled up into fists.
Nate stumbled backwards slightly, but regained his balance, and glared at Carlos. "Not your best move, Garcia." he sneered
Carlos scoffed. "It's better than what you try and pull out on the ice-oomph!" a fist collided with Carlos' stomach and he dropped down to his knees, his arms immediately wrapping around his middle. He didn't get a chance to recover, or even catch his breath, because moments later, someone kicked him in his ribs and he went down onto the sidewalk, wheezing in pain.
"Now listen up, murderer," Nate snapped, grasping Carlos' hoodie in his hands and roughly yanking him to his feet. The way he had one hand tight around the collar, and another around the actual hood, was nearly choking Carlos. He could hear Nate's friends laughing at his misfortune as he coughed and choked, trying to steady his breath. "If you know what's good for you, you'll apologize." he hissed.
Carlos glared at him, feeling all of his pent up anger towards Kendall, James, life - everything - it all just came pouring out as he roughly swung his arm back, escaping Nate's grasp on him and launching his fist right into Nate's jaw. "How's that for an apology?" he sneered.
His victory, however, was short lived.
Each of Nate's friends grabbed a hold of his arms, and for a brief moment, Carlos understood why he always had at least two friends with him. But his thoughts were cut short when Nate recovered from the blow to his face, and sent his fist flying into Carlos' stomach. He coughed, feeling the wind - literally - being knocked out of him, and wheezed, trying to catch his breath. He couldn't even get a chance to gasp out "ow" before Nate punched him again. He felt his body going limp in the boys' arms before they simply dropped him on the ground. But he couldn't get up; the second his body hit the concrete, a foot collided with his ribs, another with his back, and a pair of arms yanked him back up again, throwing him metal fence that lined the side of the sidewalk. The fence rattled as his body hit against it and he slumped down to the ground, laying limp on the ground.
Other than his chest heaving, Carlos laid still on the ground. He was sure at least one rib was cracked, and it hurt to breathe. He hoped if he had just laid there, then they would leave.
Luck was not on Carlos' side today.
Nate reached up for the collar of his shirt, yanking him up to his feet where he struggled to stand up. His whole body ached and he choked out, "Please, just leave me alone." to Nate, hoping that the bully would have some sympathy for him.
Nate's face twisted into some sort of sadistic smirk. "Funny," he said. "You sounded just like your buddy Logan for a second." Nate pushed him back away from him, and Carlos stumbled over his own two feet trying to regain his balance. "Lights out." Nate told him before sending his fist directly into Carlos' face.
It was the final blow he could take and he went down to the ground, laying limp on the concrete. Nate didn't knock him out, but Carlos wished he did. Blood gushed out of his nose, which he was sure was broken, falling down his cheeks, staining his shirt. His breath came out in sharp gasps, hurting more than before. Faintly, he could hear their retreating footsteps, their laughs, their high fives. They didn't care that they had basically stripped him of all his dignity and shame, that they had physically damaged him - they just didn't care.
Nobody cared.
The loud screech of Carlos' heart monitor flat lining jolted James and Kendall out of their sleep and sent the two into a massive panic. "We need a doctor in here!" Kendall shouted practically punching the call button repeatedly.
"Carlos? Carlos, wake up!" James frantically shook his friend, crying out his name until a swarm of doctors entered the room and pushed him out of the way.
Kendall and James backed up to the corner of his room, not tearing their eyes away from the horrific scene as Carlos' doctor took the paddles, rubbed them together and shouted "Clear!" as he pressed them against Carlos' chest, sending a shock throughout the boy's body. He bounced as the paddles came in contact with him, but he laid limp against his bed as he came down.
When Carlos opened his eyes one final time, he was home. And he was in so much pain; everything seemed to just be throbbing. Tears stung as his eyes as he staggered to his feet and walked to the bathroom. He avoided looking at the mirror, not wanting to see how mangled his face looked, as he opened the medicine cabinet door, pulling out a bottle of pain killers. He opened it and dumped several in his hands, but paused when he went to go pour the remainder back in the bottle.
"Clear!" it seemed like every time the doctor used the defibrillator on Carlos, there was less and less of a chance of him responding to it. But Kendall and James couldn't give up, they had to keep the hope that he would pull through. Carlos was a fighter. He wouldn't just give up… would he?
He stared at the pills in his hands and thought, he could always blame it on his headache. He could say, he just wanted to make the pain stop. He could say, he lost track of time and lost track of how many he had taken. He could say it was an accident.
Or he could tell the truth. He could say he was ready for the pain to stop once and for all.
Then he just stopped thinking. He dumped the handful of pills in his mouth, then stuck his head under the tap, filling up his cheeks until the pills were floating around the inside of his mouth fish in a fishbowl. It took a moment but he successfully managed to swallow them all. He stood there for a minute, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, before shutting the bathroom lights off and going out into the living room. He dropped down onto the couch and laid there, hugging a pillow to his chest. And then he waited, closing his eyes, and sighing. He wasn't sure how much time had passed but he found himself going in and out of fits of sleep, waking up not sure what was going on for a second then remembering all the pills he swallowed and figured this must mean it was working.
Now, it was his turn to end it all.
"Clear!"
Carlos felt like he was in A Goofy Movie right now.
When he opened his eyes, after turning away from the bright sun shining down above him, he realized he was laying in a cornfield. And it was quite comfortable too; movies always made them out to be so itchy, but he felt strangely relaxed laying where he was. He rolled over onto his side and picked up a dandelion, which was sprouting from the ground. He took a breath and blew on it, sending the seeds flying away. He smiled. It was nice here, peaceful. It felt like a place where nothing bad could happen.
But Carlos still couldn't help but to wonder where he was, and why he was there. Forcing himself up so he was sitting, he noticed for the first time that he was wearing all white clothing and no socks or shoes. Which was weird as well; everything right now was weird, and he just wanted some answers.
"Hey there, sleepy head." a voice said - a familiar voice and Carlos felt himself tense up as his body turned in the direction of the voice. His eyes widened when he saw Logan standing before him, smiling at him. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out and he sat there with his mouth agape. Logan was here - he wasn't dead, he was really here. And he looked good, healthy and alive. It was a miracle. Carlos pushed himself up to his feet and stumbled a bit as he ran to Logan and threw himself into his old friend's arms, hugging him tightly.
"Oh my gosh, Logan, I can't, oh my gosh." Carlos blubbered on and on and Logan just smiled, squeezing him even tighter. After managing to compose himself the Latino asked in a tiny voice, "Am I dead?"
Logan sighed somewhat sadly. "Not yet." he replied.
Carlos' eyes widened. "Yet?" Logan chewed on his bottom lip and Carlos repeated, louder, "Yet?!"
"You're sort of in Limbo." Logan said, and when Carlos just stared at him with a confused expression he started to explain, "According to the Roman Catholic Church, it refers to states of oblivion - or transition. However, the theological sense of Limbo as a place where souls remain that cannot enter heaven-"
"English, please!" Carlos interrupted, looking more confused than before.
Logan managed a small smile, but it faded. "You're in between life and death right now." he told Carlos. "This is an imaginary place that your mind created while you make the decision to live or die. Hence the, you're not dead yet bit from before."
Carlos was speechless, his mouth agape as he struggled to find the words to say but really had no idea what to even think at the moment. How was he supposed to make the choice between living and dying? He could barely decide what to wear most mornings, and he was supposed to make a decision like this? "I… what do I do?" he asked desperately.
Logan pursed his lips. "I can't tell you what to do, Los." he said softly. "I can't influence your decision but I'll answer all the questions that I can to help you figure things out for yourself."
Carlos sighed heavily and rested his head on Logan's collar bone, going silent for a few moments. "What happens if I die?" he asked softly, almost sounding ashamed of his question.
"I'll show you." Logan told him, and in an instant he and Logan were in a hospital room - his hospital room to be specific. Carlos felt like he was watching a movie, only it wasn't a movie he wished to see. He watched himself laying in a hospital bed, James and Kendall on either side of his bed, sleeping soundly for what looked like the first time in days. Then, in an instant, Carlos' heart monitor went off, the horrific sound of the machine flat lining awaking Kendall and James immediately, instantly panicked. "Carlos? Carlos!" James grabbed at his shoulders, placing his head down on Carlos' chest. His eyes widened in horror. "Oh no, oh God no - Carlos, please! Carlos!"
"We need a doctor in here!" Kendall shouted practically punching the call button repeatedly with one hand, the other, holding onto Carlos' hand tightly. "C'mon Carlos, don't do this, don't leave us." he was saying as the doctors entered his room. The immediately pushed the boys out of the way, assuming they had left the room but James and Kendall simply huddled themselves against the back wall, not taking their eyes off of the scene before them.
Carlos watched them as they cried more and more each time he didn't respond to the paddles. There they sat in the corner of his room, backs against the wall and terror in their eyes as they watched Carlos' body lay limp in his bed. James had covered his ears and shut his eyes, not able to deal with the sounds of the attempts to revive Carlos, but also because he didn't want to hear it if they had to say he didn't make it. Kendall wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close and pinched his eyes shut. He had started to pray, asking God to please, please, please, not take Carlos away from them. It broke his heart to know he was putting them through this.
After what seemed like an eternity, Carlos finally started responding to the paddles and his heartbeat returned, but he didn't gain consciousness. Carlos' doctor spoke to the boys, calming them down a bit, then went out to talk to Carlos' parents. Logan asked him if he wanted to see how that went down, but Carlos denied. It was hurting him enough to see James and Kendall suffering so much; he couldn't stand to see how his parents were reacting to this situation.
"In a nutshell, that's how they'll be." Logan's voice broke through the silence, startling him. "They're falling apart now, and they're going to fall apart if they lose you. They'll blame themselves, and essentially lose themselves in the process. James won't stop cutting himself. He won't go as far as killing himself, but since he'll blame himself for your death, he'll think it's all he deserves and just keep hurting himself. And Kendall will just… kind of shut down. He'll be a ghost of his former self; he won't play hockey, he won't eat, he'll barely sleep. Nobody will be able to get through to them; not their parents, not therapy, nothing."
Carlos felt a pang of guilt in his chest and he wasn't even dead yet. He couldn't even imagine putting his friends through so much pain.
"Now for you," Logan continued. "Yeah, it's definitely going to be a hell of a lot easier if you die. You won't be in anymore pain, you won't suffer, you won't have to deal with the rotten people in this world but…"
Carlos turned to him; so far this all sounded good to him. "But?"
Logan shrugged. "You might not be happy. If you die and go to Heaven and become an angel, or whatever you think will happen to you when you die, you'll always have this feeling of missing something. Like something went wrong and you know you can't fix it."
Silence prolonged the two of the again as Carlos lost himself in his thoughts. "What happens if I live?" he asked Logan.
In another instant, Carlos and Logan were back in the field where they were when they first met and honestly, all the traveling was exhausting Carlos. He took a seat on the grass and Logan sat next to him. "If you decide to live, things are going to get rough before they get better," the raven haired boy began. "First when you wake up, you're going to be in pain; you have some cracked ribs and you broke your nose - not to mention your throat and stomach will hurt since you had to get your stomach pumped."
"I'm sure that hurts a lot less than sending a bullet through your brain." Carlos muttered.
Logan smiled ruefully. "Touché." he said softly. "Anyway, the physical pain is just temporary. You're going to battle with a bout of depression, but James and Kendall and your parents are going to be there with you every step of the way. And speaking of James and Kendall they aren't going to leave your side for a minute. They're going to feel guilty about everything and pretty much do whatever they can to make sure you don't hate them; it'll get annoying after a while but it's not the worst thing in the world."
"What about school?" Carlos asked, which was a constant fear for him. He didn't want to go back there and deal with everyone hating him.
"You won't go back for almost a month after all of this," Logan told him. "You and your parents are constantly going to fight about home schooling you but they won't let you. When you eventually do go back things are going to be… weird. The jerks who beat you up got suspended, and they keep their distance from now on. A lot of people feel bad about what happened to you, but I'm not going to lie, some will think you deserved it. All in all, it's just going to be another roadblock you're going to have to make it through but you will be able to make it through."
Carlos sighed; this wasn't going to be an easy decision for him to make. After another long silence he asked Logan, "What's dying like? Is it scary?"
"It's… weird." Logan hesitated. "It's kind of like going to sleep but not. And there's this big flash of white light and… I don't know how to describe it honestly. You kind of just know that you're dead."
Carlos nodded. "Sounds weird." he said, then sighed again. "I miss you so much Logan."
Logan wrapped his arms around Carlos and hugged him tightly. "I miss you too." he murmured, resting his head atop of Carlos'. "I saw James and Kendall already and I was waiting for the time I got to see you; I'm going to tell you the same things I said to them."
"Okay." Carlos said softly, feeling near tears again in anticipation of what Logan was going to say.
"I forgive you." he started. "I forgive you, and I love you, and you'll be okay without me. Just watch your video and everything will be explained."
Carlos didn't reply, he just wrapped his arms tighter around Logan. He knew what he had to do now. "I think I have to leave you," he said after a while. "But I'm not ready to."
"It's okay; take your time." Logan said softly. Carlos nodded and the two of them sat there together for a few more moments until Carlos literally felt himself fading away from Logan. He was afraid at first, and clutched him tighter, but Logan reassured him that it was all going to be okay. That everything would be okay.
And the next thing Carlos knew, a bright light was burning into his retinas.