O! never say that I was false of heart,
Though absence seemed my flame to qualify.
As easy might I from myself depart
As from my soul, which in thy breast doth lie:
That is my home of love; if I have ranged,
Like him that travels, I return again,
Just to the time, not with the time exchanged,
So that myself bring water for my stain.
Never believe, though in my nature reigned
All frailties that besiege all kinds of blood,
That it could so preposterously be stained,
To leave for nothing all thy sum of good;
For nothing this wide universe I call,
Save thou, my rose; in it thou art my all.
[William Shakespeare - Sonnet 109]
Scully woke up early - or so it felt. She couldn't bring herself to open her eyes just yet. Going to bed so early in the morning had seriously messed with her usual rhythm, completely throwing her off. Her body felt heavy, wanting to go back to sleep while her mind was wide awake. She had a headache as a result of not getting enough sleep and while she lingered in no-man's-land somewhere between being awake and asleep. Cocooned in sleep-warm sheets she remembered what had happened the night before. She felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her, or maybe it was simply the result of being slightly hangover.
Stella was still asleep next to her and she wasn't sure whether she was still angry at her or rather herself. A part of her didn't even know why she was so upset while another part wanted and needed that. Maybe she was simply angry at herself but it seemed easier to blame it on someone else instead of dealing with it. She turned on her side and sighed softly, knowing that she needed to get out of the bed before she gave in to all these thoughts and let the anger consume her. Slowly she got up and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching for the knitted cardigan and put it on.
„You gonna make coffee?" Stella asked quietly, her voice heavy with sleep. She turned on her side and hugged her pillow, facing Dana's backside.
„I'm still mad at you," Scully said without turning around.
She was starting to get annoyed at herself for being so moody but maybe a good cup of coffee would do wonders.
„Mhm," Stella hummed. „Can you be mad at me while you're making coffee?" she asked and Scully left her behind without looking back; it was harder than she had thought.
It was during these quiet moments so early in the morning when she loved Stella most; when her body was warm from sleep and her features softened, when her hair was messy and her freckles shining through. Scully had always thought that she was most beautiful when she didn't wear any makeup at all. These were the moments when she was just Stella, someone that most people didn't get to see.
A few minutes later Scully heard footsteps behind her and two arms embraced her from behind. Scully exhaled softly when Stella put her head on her shoulder.
„I don't like it when you're mad at me," Stella whispered. „Please talk to me."
The truth was that Scully didn't know what to say so she shrugged.
„I'm sorry I upset you," Stella said and Dana turned around.
„I don't know what it is," Dana said and leaned against Stella. She closed her eyes and melted into the embrace.
Scully didn't mean to be moody because of that, it felt absurd now that they were both sober again and the memory of what could have been felt only slightly embarrassing and it wasn't quite as arousing as it had seemed a couple of hours ago. She remained within the protecting confines of Stella's arms, safe and warm. She yawned and closed her eyes, dying to go back to sleep and forget about everything that had happened. The smell of coffee invaded her sleepy senses, overpowering the urge to succumb to the fatigue.
All of a sudden Scully started to laugh; it was a soft chuckle against Stella's shoulder that turned into full blown laughter with every passing heartbeat. It rippled through her body and brought tears of joy to her eyes that she wiped away with her pinky.
"Are you laughing or actually crying?" Stella asked with a hint of surprise, trying to figure out what she was missing.
"This was ridiculous," Scully said and looked at Stella before she turned around to poor them both a cup of coffee. "Thank you for taking me home."
"Would you have gone through with it?" Stella asked and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Would you have kissed her?"
Scully shrugged and handed her a cup.
"I don't know," Scully admitted. "A little while longer and I probably would have agreed to almost anything. You stopped her."
"I did," Stella said.
"Why did you?" Scully asked. "You seemed to be enjoying yourself."
"I was enjoying you and I didn't want you to be uncomfortable."
"Don't you think I can look after myself?" She smiled at the expression on Stella's face; something was unsettling her.
"I shouldn't have brought you there in the first place."
"Actually," Scully said and put down her cup. "It wasn't quite so bad, I think I've been to worse places."
Stella smiled, feeling relieved although she knew that this conversation wasn't over yet; she could see the curiosity sparkle in Dana's eyes.
"So," she said and put both hands on Stella's hips. "Tell me about your dear friend Irene. I think you owe me this much after last night. What the hell was this about?"
"Right, Stella said and bit her lip with a smile. "But we're gonna do it in bed, I'm cold."
She took Dana's hand and her cup of coffee, leading her back to the bedroom.
"Did you ever sleep with her?" Scully asked now that she was cuddled up in bed with Stella by her side.
Stella looked up and the expression on Stella's face made her laugh; she shrugged apologetically.
"Wow," Stella said. "That was subtle."
"Sorry," Scully said. "Don't worry, I don't wanna pick a fight. I'm just curious."
"Okay then," Stella said and cleared her throat. „Yes, I did."
Scully knew it, she had always known somehow and she wasn't really bothered but she couldn't deny the tiny bit of jealousy that sparked within her because somehow she didn't seem to like it either. It was part of Stella's past and it probably wasn't even any of her business and truth be told, she shouldn't be the one to call her out on this after sleeping with Mulder not too long ago. She would simply have to make amends with it and get over it.
"Okay," Scully said.
"Now what?" Stella asked.
"Tell me," Scully said and turned towards her. "What does she do for a living to own such a gorgeous place?"
"She works in law enforcement," Stella said with a smirk.
"Damnit," Scully said dryly. "Should've started working in England straight away if you guys earn so much more than we do," she said and they both knew there was more to it. "Spill it."
"She's a dominatrix," Stella said and sipped her coffee, laughing at Dana's reaction.
"I want to be shocked for some reason but honestly I'm not... So, that's how you met?" She asked and Stella raised an eyebrow at her. "I won't give up on this."
"We met while working on a case," Stella said a little more serious. "A few years ago. One of her clients ended up dead and she was one of the people we, or I, questioned," she said and put the empty cup on the bedside table.
"It was all supposed to be a big secret, a classified case because Irene's clients could be well-known people and the last thing anyone needed was too much attention and getting the press involved," she said and Scully nodded; she knew how this worked.
"Well, that's it," Stella said. "That's how we met."
"So you'll tell me that you usually get involved with suspects or witnesses?" Scully teased, they both knew that this was never a clever thing and it usually led to nothing but trouble.
"Irene was different somehow," Stella said and remembered how it had happened. "You've met her," she said. "That's how I got to know her. She was just like that; intriguing, dangerous and mysterious. I was drawn to her somehow and she made no secret out of being interested. At first I wasn't sure whether she just wanted to play a little bit I didn't really mind. I wasn't in a really good place back then but I didn't care."
Stella took a deep breath and wondered whether she had already said too much; Scully didn't interrupt her.
"I knew what she was doing," she said and smiled to herself. "We had searched her place and I had questioned her. I knew I was moving on dangerous territory but that was exactly what had fascinated me so much," Stella said. "I wanted to know what she did, I wanted to get involved and burn my fingers."
"Did you?" Scully asked.
Stella shook her head.
„It hadn't exactly turned out the way I had imagined. I never thought I'd end up being friends with Irene, that's not what I did."
Stella turned on her side, facing Dana.
"In the end we weren't so different from each other," Stella said. "We had so much in common. And the better I got to know her, the more I trusted her. She seemed to understand me and it was everything I needed back then."
Scully had always known that there was a great part of her own past that she still kept hidden and protected for several reasons. Scully would never pry and ask about anything, she didn't want to put Stella in a position where she felt that she needed to explain herself.
"You don't have to tell me all of this," Scully said. "It really doesn't matter... I was just curious but you don't have to explain yourself."
"It's ok," Stella said.
She had never told anyone about this because she thought it didn't matter but the truth was that she had never had anyone to talk to and she didn't want to shut Dana out.
"We didn't sleep with each other regularly," Stella said and shifted a little. She put her head on Dana's tummy and looked at the ceiling. "I wouldn't even call it an affair... I don't really know what it was, just something we both needed every now and then. Control and letting go."
"Did you let her... Control you in anyway?" Scully asked.
It was a strange thought, knowing that Stella was very keen on maintaining control over her life. She liked being in charge and somehow the thought of not doing so seemed a little off.
"I did," Stella said. "As strange as it sounds. It was different, it was safe. I could have slept with any person I met in a bar without knowing who they were and what I would get myself into," she said and Scully nodded, maybe she was beginning to understand.
"I had Irene. I trusted her, I knew her and I figured it would be a lot safer," she said and suddenly it appeared a little more relatable. Being reckless with a stranger in a bar was exactly how she had ended up with her tattoo.
"I had so many responsibilities, so many people who expected things of me," Stella said and sighed. "Sometimes I was incredibly overwhelmed and, as much as I loved being in charge, I felt like I needed to let go. Every now and then I reached a point where I needed to get away, let go of the responsibilities and let someone else take over," she said and closed her eyes.
She had loved the feeling of being wanted and taken, roughly sometimes when it had been a particularly bad day and she needed a reminder of still being alive somehow. She had needed the feeling of excitement; thinking of seeing Irene later in the day had always made her wet long before she had stepped into her house, knowing what to expect - or what not to.
The feeling of Dana's hand in her hair, softly playing with it was utterly soothing. She had always believed that sharing these thoughts would lift a bit of the burden, that she carried on her shoulders, and make it all a little easier. She couldn't relate at this moment; she was annoyed with herself, unhappy somehow but maybe it would pass and get better with time.
"I understand that feeling," Scully said softly.
She had experienced it many times before and, except for that one night, she had never acted on it.
"She's my friend," Stella said. "There is so much more to her. Believe it or not, she has a much softer side but others rarely get to see it. She has to keep up her reputation."
"I can imagine that being too soft wouldn't go down too well with her job," Scully said and Stella chuckled.
"Depends on the client."
"I'm not sure I wanna know that."
"But there's something else you want to know," Stella said and turned her head, looking up at Dana.
"I won't ask you how you two had sex, that would be weird..." She said and Stella laughed.
"But you thought about it," Stella said. "I know it," she teased and felt a little amused; it seemed to ease the unhappiness a little.
"I think about a lot of things," Scully said, trying not to be embarrassed for being called out. "I'm just trying to understand."
"Well," Stella said and thought that she wouldn't get into a lot of details. Suddenly she had an idea, she would do exactly what Irene had done to her. She would tease her a little and see how far she got with it.
"She was gentle, most of the time. She was very precise with what she wanted and asked of me and I willingly complied. There was a lot of teasing; pain can be quite pleasurable," she said and didn't lose Dana out of sight for a second.
"It made me crave more, it shattered me and it brought me to tears," Stella said and she could see that Dana was trying to put it all together, trying to work out what had happened. „It was dangerous and exciting and it was exactly what I needed," she said and if she wasn't mistaken then Dana wasn't put off but slightly intrigued.
Maybe, Stella thought. Maybe that's what Dana needs.
What if she ended up teasing her until she begged her to stop? Until she screamed with pleasure and couldn't take it any longer. Stella wanted to watch her body react to the touch of her hands, knowing that she was responsible for all the feelings it brought to life.
She felt a soft tingle in her lower belly with all the possibilities that opened up to her but she had to save that for another day, now wasn't the right time although their interrupted session last night had left her somewhat frustrated; maybe they'll get to that later.
„Mhm," Scully hummed and cupped Stella's face, leaning in for a kiss. „Thank you for telling me," she said and smiled.
„I didn't scare you away?" Stella wanted to know.
„No, not at all," Scully said. „Food or shower first?" she asked and smiled against Stella's lips.
„Shower," Stella said and a couple of minutes later she stood in the shower, leaning against Dana's soft and naked body while the hot water rained down on them.
She closed her eyes and felt a little bit lighter than she had before. Maybe it was just her imagination or wishful thinking but for the time being she was utterly content with the whole situation.
The next couple of days passed quietly; they were both busy with work but Stella couldn't help but think that their trip to the party, and everything that followed afterwards, had brought them together a little closer. Everything seemed fine and just the way it should be and maybe things were finally settling down a little.
It wasn't until Stella woke up early in the morning on a Sunday, gently roused by the rising sun that was glistening on her face, when something changed.
It was too bright but tickling softly and she smiled a little before she opened her eyes. Everything seemed perfect until she felt that something was off. It was quiet until she noticed the soft sounds coming from the other side of the bed and she was slightly alarmed because she had not been able to identify these immediately. She propped herself up on her elbow, blinking a few times before she saw Dana curled up on her side of the bed, lying close to the edge. She had her back towards Stella, her shoulder moving with her uneven breathing.
„Dana?" Stella said softly, feeling a little alarmed when she sat up but Dana didn't move nor did she respond.
Scully found herself staring into thin air, curled up in bed to keep up whatever was left of her resolve. She had woken early, feeling deeply troubled. It was Sunday morning on Mother's Day and Scully had spent the last couple of weeks trying to forget that the day even existed, telling herself that it didn't matter. She had never dealt with it, never even acknowledged it because she had been so incredibly busy that the distraction had blacked it out but now things felt different.
With Mulder things had been clear; they had never addressed the topic and never dealt with it and that seemed to work because she didn't have a choice. Now that she was with Stella she had found a new partner and friend, someone she deeply trusted and with that newfound comfort she thought that she could no longer hide it. She wanted Stella to be a part of her life and she could no longer keep that burden to herself.
Scully had wanted to be strong and push herself through the day, pretending that it was just another Sunday but the moment she had opened her eyes she felt herself crumbling, succumbing to almost seventeen years of unbearable pain, regret and never ending guilt. It crashed down on her like icy rain on a dark night; something that had happened to her months ago when her entire life had been a hopeless mess and that night had brought her to this very bed.
During the last couple of years so many things had changed but there was one constant she could rely on and, as much as she hated to admit that, it hadn't been Mulder although he should have been; it was the endless guilt and the pain that had choked her whenever she had allowed it to take over. She still hated herself for what she had done, for what she had been forced to do and although she knew that she couldn't turn back time and make it undone she still found herself longing for the moment when she had let go of her child. She would go back just one more time and she would take her baby and run for her life, but she had given up.
Scully felt the scolding tears quietly run down her face, trying to keep them at bay but it was hopeless. They were running down her face, onto her hand, leaving traces on the mattress. Her entire body was tensed with the effort to keep these feelings locked up but she knew she would lose the final battle any moment. She should have left, should have hidden somewhere until it was over. It might not take forever to pass but she knew that it would always be there to torture her. The moment she felt Stella move behind her she knew that there would be no going back. Her heart beat furiously against her chest, her fingers were trembling and all of a sudden she was scared, ashamed even. How could she look her in the eye and tell the woman she loved that she had given up her child because she hadn't been strong enough?
She had made a lot of mistakes during the course of her life, from some she had learned and others had caused her pain but she had moved on. As much as she wanted to let go of the pain, and she knew that addressing it would be the only way to deal with it, she couldn't do it. The pain had nurtured her through the worst years, it had kept her alive somehow. It was familiar and soothing, as excruciating as it felt. She had allowed for the shame and guilt to gain power when she had put a wall between herself and the negative thoughts; it wasn't something she had been able to forget about. It had hidden, waiting for the right time to attack with all the strength it had gained over the years.
It was Stella's voice saying her name with so much love and concern that broke her and a slightly choked sob escaped her lips, muffled by her own hand. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath but it wouldn't stop the tears from falling.
„Dana?" Stella asked again and sat up, moving a little closer. It was then that she realized what she had already been suspecting; she was crying and it was a sight she would never get used to.
„Hey," Stella said softly and touched her shoulder, wondering what it was.
Was it something she had done without having noticed? She knew they weren't perfect and they still had a lot to learn; Stella still felt like she wasn't good with these things and the last thing she wanted was seeing Dana in tears.
What if she suddenly regretted her decision to stay with her? Stella bit her lip and tried to push that thought away. She knew it would kill her if Dana left her now. She had tried so hard to let her defenses down and let her in because she loved her with all her heart and she didn't even want to think about it. Maybe that was the problem, she had never told Dana that she loved her.
„Dana, what happened?" Stella asked but Scully didn't turn around. She tried to take deep breaths but there was an unbearable pressure on her chest and she could hardly breathe at all, let alone talk to Stella.
„I… I just…" Scully tried between sobs but words failed her. She didn't even know where to start.
„I can't," she finally whispered, got off the bed and walked to the bathroom without looking back, leaving Stella behind.
She sat in the middle of the bed, wondering what she had done that caused her so much pain. She decided to give her a little bit of space but when she heard the heartbreaking sobs echoing through the empty bathroom she got off the bed and knocked on the door but this time she didn't wait for an answer, slowly opening the door.
What she found there broke her heart; she felt a lump in her throat and tears flood her eyes but she quickly blinked them away. Stella stepped inside, finding Dana on the floor with her face in her hands. The sound of the heartbreaking sobs and the weeping was more than Stella could take. She went down on her knees and put her arms around Dana; she laid her head against her shoulder. Stella took a deep breath, sharing her pain although she still didn't know what had caused it.
Stella's eyes glistened with unshed tears and it felt like an eternity until the crying finally subsided until there was nothing but soft weeping left and Dana's body felt a little heavier in her arms, her head leaning against her shoulder. Stella raised her head and motioned for Dana to do the same. She gently cupped her face and kissed the tears away on either side of her cheek because she didn't know what else to do or say. Dana's face glistened with all the tears she had cried, her eyes were puffy and red and she suddenly looked very exhausted and drained of everything that had held her together for so long.
„What happened?" Stella asked calmly, her thumb softly caressing her cheek.
„I… I made a huge mistake," Scully whispered, her voice was hoarse from all the crying. She tried to take a few deep breaths to calm down and prepare herself for what laid ahead.
„It's not you," she quickly added and touched Stella's cheek with her slightly trembling hand.
„It's not you," she whispered.
„You've saved me from all this mess when I needed it most," she said and a wave of relief washed over Stella because Dana wouldn't leave and she had done nothing wrong. The feeling didn't last long because she could see that Dana was in pain and that something troubled her deeply and yet she still had no clue what it was.
„I made a mistake, a long time ago," she said and leaned back against the bathtub, holding Stella close.
She felt that she needed someone to hold on to. She opened her mouth and tried to say it but the words failed her. She was terrified, an incredible pressure on her chest; instead of the truth there was nothing but fresh tears that she quickly wiped away with the back of her hand.
„Just… take your time," Stella said and entwined their fingers, wondering how much she didn't know about Dana and her past.
At the same time she had to admit that there was just the same amount of painful, terrifying and shameful memories of her own past that she didn't know about. She had never liked to talk about herself and share the gruesome memories that made up her earlier years but it might be time to tear down a few walls and give it a try. That moment Stella sat in her bathroom, holding the absolutely devastated and shattered woman that she loved dearly, she made a decision for both of them and it wasn't something she had done in years or never at all, but it was time.
„We can stay here as long as you need," Stella said softly and Dana looked down at their hands.
„Do you… do you know what day it is?" Dana whispered without looking up.
„It is Sunday," Stella said, wondering what she had missed.
It took her a few seconds until she remembered what she had seen at the grocery store a couple of days ago but she had never paid much attention; it had never been necessary. She had never bothered with it, it hadn't been worth it at all.
„Mother's Day," she whispered more to herself and had sudden bad feeling about the whole situation.
„Yes," Dana whispered, looked at the ceiling and bit her lip. "Sixteen years ago," she said and closed her eyes. "I gave birth to a little boy."
She took a deep breath, leaving Stella instantly confused. If she had a child, then why had she never mentioned it? All of a sudden Stella had all sorts of things in her mind, trying to explain what might have happened just to push away the most terrible solutions. It slowly dawned on her that she had never mentioned her baby for reasons; there had never been a sign of a child anywhere in her life.
"My beautiful baby boy," she said softly with a smile. "His name was William," she said and then she was quiet for a little while.
Stella thought about it, trying to put it together. She wanted to know why she had never mentioned him before, what had happened and at the same time she knew that, sometimes, the truth was a very ugly thing that might better be left untouched for many reasons. She felt the pressure on her own chest, trying to be brave enough for both of them. In the end she didn't have to answer, didn't have to say anything if she didn't want to.
"But what happened?" Stella asked and her voice was nothing but a soft whisper. She kept her gaze straight ahead, staring into the blank space in front of her while she held Dana's hand. For some reason she could not look at Dana at this very moment; she wasn't sure the pain wouldn't break her heart and she wasn't ready for that.
"I... I gave him away," Dana said softly, her voice breaking at the end. "I gave him up because I couldn't keep him safe," she whispered and fresh tears ran down her face.
Stella didn't miss the guilt that weighed heavily in these words and squeezed her hand a little tighter to let her know that she was still there.
"I let him go because I wasn't strong enough to look after him and keep him safe," she said.
"Don't say that," Stella said gently.
She didn't know what her life had been like sixteen years ago, what kind of person Dana had been but she was certain that it had not been a lack of strength that had made Dana give up her child.
"That's what I did!" She said a little louder. "There was just the two of us, my baby and me and I didn't know what else to do... I was terrified."
It might sound strange but Scully felt that she could not get into the details that had finalized her decision, a last resort and an attempt to keep her baby safe.
"What about... Him?" Stella asked carefully. She hadn't said anything about the father but somehow Stella knew it already.
"Mulder was... Gone," Scully said and shrugged.
What else was she supposed to say? It didn't matter any longer. She knew that Stella wasn't too fond of Mulder for a variety of reasons and she was certain this would not work in his favor.
"He just wasn't around... It was complicated."
Stella fought the urge to raise an eyebrow at that statement, trying to focus on Dana and what she needed.
"I had tried for so long," Scully said quietly, sounding incredibly sad. "I had tried to get pregnant again and again but it had always failed. At some point I had just given up... And... And by the time I found out I was pregnant Mulder had been abducted," she said quietly, trying very heart not to cry even harder.
"For a long time I didn't know whether he was alive or whether I'd ever see him again," she said and Stella leaned in a little, placing a gentle kiss on her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry, love," she said.
She had to admit that it wasn't quite what she had expected and hating on Mulder now appeared a little out of place.
"One day," she said and took a deep, shaky breaths. "I got a call," she said and remembered that moment as if it happened yesterday. She still knew what it had felt like, how it had pulled the rug from under her feet and had her break down because she couldn't take it.
"They said that they had found his body," Scully covered her face with one hand, trying to stop the sobs. "And a couple of days later I stood by his grave, thinking that my whole life had just fallen apart..."
Stella was deeply saddened and shocked at the same time; she found herself at a loss of words. She put an arm around Dana and held her as close as she possibly could.
"I tried to make amends with it, tried to push through because I didn't have a choice. I was about eight months pregnant, trying not to be terrified and let myself fall apart when things changed."
She leaned against Stella's chest, feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained but she had to keep going now.
"What changed?"
"He was back," Scully whispered. "He wasn't dead," she said and it sounded like she didn't believe it herself.
Stella was even more confused but she didn't want to ask too many questions while Dana was opening up to her. For her it was still all about Dana and her child.
"He wasn't the one we buried," she said. "Everything was different after that. „The moment I buried him something inside of me broke and I think it never healed. He was back and at the same time he wasn't... Things just went worse from that day on."
Scully spoke quietly, cuddled up in Stella's arms with her head nestled against her chest. Stella's hand drew small circles on her lower back, her cheek leaned against the top of Dana's head. She sounded a little quieter, exhausted somehow; there were no tears left. Stella had her own story and it probably couldn't be more different from what Dana had been through but she felt that their pain was just as crucial in some way.
"He couldn't stay long," Scully said after a while. "He was on the run from the government. He was being accused of murder so he had to run while he tried to find the evidence that would prove his innocence," she said.
"I was on my own again," she said. "I couldn't contact him, didn't know where he was and whether he'd return this time and I just sat there, waiting with a baby on the way," she said. She hadn't been on her own the entire time but the one person she had wanted with her wasn't present.
"I was terrified when the baby was born," she said and sounded slightly choked. "I had wanted him to be there but it turned out to be a mess," she said. "I was the luckiest woman in the world when I finally held my baby boy," she said and tears quietly rolled down her cheeks. The truth was that she had been terrified, thinking that they would take away her little boy the moment he was born but how would she ever explain that to Stella?
"His name was William," she whispered with a soft smile on her lips.
"That's a beautiful name," Stella said and placed a feather-light kiss on her temple.
"Mulder only saw him once," she said. "He didn't make it on time but he came to see us a couple of hours after he had been born."
"And then he was gone again," Stella said, feeling the anger spark inside her chest.
"My baby was all I had ever wanted and I was supposed to be happy but I was so lonely and every minute of the day I was terrified that something would happen to him and that I couldn't keep him save and give him the life he deserved," she said and the guilt was back.
"At some point I was so desperate that I made the decision," she said. "I had to give him up to keep him save," she said and this time it took her a little longer to find the strength to keep going. "I never forgave myself for giving up my baby."
"You did what was best for him, you tried to protect him," Stella said. Her words meant to be soothing although she knew that it probably wouldn't do much, nothing would ever make that pain go away.
"I should have tried a little harder," Scully said.
"I gave everything away," she said and a sob escaped her lips. Everything except for the tiny hat, a dummy and that one picture that she protected with her life.
"I couldn't bear having his things around, being reminded of having failed wasn't something I could deal with at that time. I cried myself to sleep every night because he was gone and it was so quiet. I don't know how many times I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking I had heard him cry but there was no one there..."
Stella felt her heart break when she thought of Dana being alone with all her grief and sorrow with no one to hold her through these terrible times and endless dark nights; it wasn't fair. She knew how long these nights could be and no one should ever be lonely like this.
"I failed him, Stella," she whispered. "I need to know that I didn't treat him like trash and that he has a good life. I want to go to bed at night, knowing that he is happy and got everything he deserved. I don't know where he is and I never will but... I just need to know that he is ok and... That he doesn't hate me."
"I'm sure he doesn't," Stella whispered. "You will always be his mummy."
Stella took a deep breath; an eery silence had settled upon them. They were both tired and emotionally drained and suddenly Stella had an idea. She had thought about it before and now seemed the perfect time for it.
She waited a few more minutes until the tears had subsided before she motioned for Dana to get up. She led her to the edge of the bed where she sat down and put her face in her hands. This time she didn't cry, she was simply defeated and Stella thought that it would take a little time for the pain and the guilt to pass but this time she wouldn't be on her own and maybe it was time to let her know.
Stella hesitated for an instant before she turned around and walk over, standing in front of her. She didn't want to mess it up but maybe it didn't need to be fancy and overly romantic, this wasn't some trashy movie. All it needed to be was honest. Stella went down on her knees; gently she moved the hands away from Scully's face.
"Look at me Dana," Stella said softly and Scully she did.
"I'm really sorry that all of this happened to you. I won't tell you that it will be ok at some point, I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling," she said and took a deep breath.
The sunlight that feel through the window illuminated her face with a soft orange glow and Stella thought that she had never been more beautiful; she knew that there was only one thing left to do now.
"But I can tell you that you won't be on your own," Stella said. "You are such a wonderful woman. You make me feel better whenever you are around. I sleep better when you are next to me," she said and smiled. „And I never want to lose you," she said and put a hand on Dana's cheek.
"I want you to know that you are not alone, Dana," she said. "You are needed and loved," she said and suddenly it didn't feel wrong any longer.
"I love you so much, Dana," Stella whispered.
Scully looked into her eyes, felt her heart swell when she heard these words and it seemed to ease the pain just a little.
"I love you too," Scully whispered against her lips and kissed her long and slow.
Stella got up and straddled her, hugging her tightly. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, thinking that she never wanted to let go again. It seemed like an eternity that passed quietly while they stayed in each others arms, trying to put their lives back together.
At some point Stella put her forehead against Dana's and smiled softly.
"Hey there," she whispered.
"Hey," Scully replied with a smile.
"How are you feeling?" Stella asked.
"Safe," she replied and held Stella close.
She took a few deep breaths, allowed the warmth of Stella's body to soothe her. It would be a little while until things hurt a little less and she'd be strong enough to let go again. Somehow, William would always be the little boy that he had been when she saw him the last time. She refused to think that he was now a sixteen year old boy because it reminded her of all the years that had passed, everything she had missed out on.
„You love me," Scully whispered in her ear and a little smile crossed her lips for the first time that morning.
„Yes, I do," Stella replied.
For the very first time she felt something that she seemed to have forgotten about a long, long time ago; she felt a little more at ease, happy even.
"Do you have to work at the hospital the next week?" Stella asked after a couple of minutes of silence.
"Only at the weekend," Scully said, wondering why it mattered now.
"University?"
Scully nodded.
"Can you call in sick?" Stella wanted to know.
The truth was that it wasn't a question because she had already made up her mind.
"What are you up to?"
"It's a surprise," Stella said. "Call in sick, do whatever you have to do. Make your students happy and cancel your lectures then pack a bag for a few days and get dressed," Stella said and climbed off.
"I don't understand," she said.
"Just do it," Stella said and leaned forward to kiss her. "I just need to make a call. Can you be ready in about half an hour?"
Dana nodded although she was a little bit confused, not sure where this was going. She watched Stella go and got up to look for her phone to do as she had been told. She put some comfortable clothes on, got ready and emailed her students although she did feel a little guilty. She usually didn't call in sick when that wasn't the case but maybe that was what they both needed, to look after themselves a little.
Scully started packing a bag without knowing what she would actually need and where they would go but Stella seemed to have a plan and she trusted her. Scully threw her clothes in the bag and went to the bathroom to pack a few things they might need. She held on for a moment, a smile on her face when she remembered what Stella had just told her. She had known it but hearing her say these words seemed to ease the emptiness inside of her, soothing her aching heart.
She heard Stella talk to someone but couldn't make out the words. She stood in front of the wardrobe and looked at Stella's clothes, thinking that she probably wouldn't need her silk blouses and business attire so she picked some of her more comfortable looking pieces of clothing and she'd lie saying she didn't choose her favorites when she got to the underwear. Scully finished packing for both of them and reached for the little box that she had brought and now kept hidden at the bottom of the wardrobe. She opened it slowly and took a photo out before she left to meet Stella in the kitchen.
"Are you ready?" Stella asked and poured fresh coffee into their tumblers; Scully hugged her from behind.
"Ready for whatever you have in mind," she said and kissed her shoulder before she showed her the picture she had taken out of the box.
Stella took it and looked at a little boy, not more than a few months old. She had no doubt that she was looking at a picture of William Scully.
"Such a beautiful boy," Stella said and meant it.
Scully watched while Stella walked to the desk of drawers; there was only one picture inside the entire flat; it was the one she had taken earlier in their relationship. It was the one she had given Stella for Christmas, Stella put William's in the corner of the frame.
"I think we should leave him here," Stella said and looked at Dana, waiting for her approval.
She nodded because there wasn't much she could say at this moment. Scully walked over and cupped her face with both hands, kissing her long and slow, something that had been long overdue as she had been craving that physical contact for a while now but maybe it had to wait just a little while longer; sometimes there were more important things than having sex.
"Let's get out of here," Stella whispered and a couple of minutes later they were sitting in Scully's car, trying to leave the horrible London traffic behind.
Scully sat in the passenger seat, sipping coffee while she watched the cars pass by. She had no clue where they were headed and what was going to happen but somehow it didn't matter. She had Stella by her side and it was all she needed. The only thing she did before she put her phone away was text Liz to let her know that she would be out of town and that she will call her as soon as she was back and that she wasn't to worry. For a brief moment she thought about texting Mulder but changed her mind; it would have to wait a few more days.
Stella had refused to tell her where they were going but she seemed to have a plan. They left London behind and, as far as Scully could tell, they were heading south. There was a content silence that had settled upon them but neither one seemed to be bothered while they were lost in their own thoughts. Scully still felt awful and tired but she could breathe a little better now that the truth was out.
Stella had made a decision and she wouldn't back down now. She owed this much to Dana and they both deserved it. She couldn't remember the last time she had been on vacation or whether she had ever done that at all. She had always been too busy and too lonely to go somewhere on her own. She had been a little girl when she had visited the house the last time but ever since her father had died she hadn't been able to return but she didn't have the heart to sell it either. She had someone to look after the house to make sure everything would be ok should she ever decide to visit again and now it seemed to be the right time. She wasn't quite sure what to expect or how it would feel but she knew that she wouldn't be alone.
They had about four hours left until they would reach their destination; it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, tickling softly on her skin. Scully's hair was glistening in the bright light and Stella smiled. She had fallen asleep a while ago, her head leaning against the window. Stella drove in silence, feeling utterly content.
She cast Dana a sideward glance and smiled.
Yes, she thought. I love you.
She thought about everything Dana had told her and for a brief second she looked at a much younger Dana, a couple of months pregnant, sitting in her passenger seat. She liked that thought; although she never wanted children of her own the thought of Dana, being pregnant and excited while she awaited the arrival of her baby, put a smile on her face. Stella reached out to hold Dana's hand; she didn't open her eyes but her fingers moved a little around Stella's and it put a smile on her face while she kept her eyes on the long road in front of them.