okay i worked on plotting this so please review. even if you have some critisim to offer. :D thank you!
Chapter 20: Faith Part 1
It was dark and the sky was gray like it was going to rain. I was in my backyard but then suddenly in my living room. My house was pitch black except for candles randomly placed around the room. The light made shadows dance off the walls and I made my way up the stairs and to my room. My mother was there in a long black dress and she was leaning against the window.
"Mother?" I called out gently.
But what turned was not my mother. Although I was pretty sure I couldn't tell. Her body was covered with burns. She reached foreword and grabbed my wrist and I could feel her fingers burn all the way to my bones.
I jolted awake, breathing heavily. It was the second dream I had had tonight and I couldn't seem to close my eyes without waking up an hour later. The first dream hadn't been so bad; I was able to fall back asleep rather quickly. But this one was playing over and over in my head and I couldn't get it to stop.
"Andy?" I heard someone ask. It was Dean. I must have woken him up this time. "You alright?" he asked me.
My back was against him and I could feel him sitting up and leaning over me. "Jesus, you're shaking. What happened?"
"Nothing." I whispered. "Just a bad dream."
"Another one?"
"I don't want to talk about it okay?" My voice was breaking due to tears and lack of sleep and I turned over to face him. I could feel him shake his head and he pulled the blankets back over me. His one arm encircled me and pulled me into his chest. I rested my forehead somewhere between his neck and his shoulder and took deep breaths to try and calm myself.
It was just a dream. I tried telling myself that over and over again but sooner or later I knew that as going to become less true. And I'd have to tell Sam and Dean about them. After a while of laying there I realized that I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep. I tried to peek over Dean's shoulder to see what time it was. The clock showed 4:50 AM. Sam usually got up around five anyway so I kissed Dean on the cheek and tried to pull myself from his grasp. I smiled as his hold on me tightened in his sleep. Even when he was sleeping he was trying to keep me safe.
I went into the bathroom and quietly shut the door. I turned the shower on and felt the tap. Damn motels took forever for the water to heat up and then when you finally got it to, the hot water lasted for ten minutes. I went to the mirror and pulled my hair out of the ponytail. That's when I saw it. My wrist had burns on it.
0o0o0o0o
"Morning." Sam said quietly as I came out of the bathroom. "You done in there? I wanted a shower."
I nodded and slipped a sweatshirt over my tee. "Can I talk to you? Outside?"
Sam looked at me hesitantly. "Yeah, sure."
He followed me outside and I leaned against the railing. What was nice about this motel was that it was slightly fancier than the ones we were used to. I don't know if it cost more money or anything but the room was slightly bigger and had a balcony. The balcony wasn't huge or anything, just a lawn chair was all that could fit on it, but it was nice to just step outside and enjoy the weather.
"You alright?" Sam asked closing the door. I really wished people would stop asking me that. Although seeing my reflection in the mirror this morning I could understand why he asked.
I twisted my hands nervously. "I've been having these nightmares."
Sam shifted on his feet and nodded. "Dean's told me."
I sighed. Maybe this was a bad idea. I didn't want Dean to know; I didn't want him to worry. This was my problem. He had enough things to bear already; I didn't want to take this on him too.
"I won't tell him if you don't want me to Andy." Sam said as if reading my mind.
"It's not about telling Dean it's just…"
"Look, I know what its like to have nightmares that scare the crap out of you. I know its taking a lot for you to tell me about it." Sam said stepping towards me.
"So you won't tell Dean? I'm just afraid…I don't want him to be worried."
"Should he be?"
I looked at the door like Dean was going to come crashing through it any minute, demanding I tell him what was going on.
"I've been having these nightmares about my mom and how she died." Sam nodded but didn't say anything. He leaned his back against the railing watching me talk. "But something's different. The last nightmare I had gave me these."
I held up my right arm and showed him the burn circling my wrist. Sam sat up from the railing and ran his hands over it cautiously, like it was still hot or something.
"My God Andy." Sam breathed. "Does it hurt?"
I shook my head no. "During the dream it did."
"What happened in your dream?" He kept running his fingers over it, touching it gently, making sure it wasn't as bad as it looked.
"Um, I was at my old house and it was about to rain." I shook my head. He didn't need to hear the whole boring beginning. "Basically I ended up in my room and my mom was there but she was burned. Her whole entire skin had burns and blisters on it. She grabbed my wrist and I woke up."
Sam looked like he was in deep thought although I knew he'd been listening the whole time. When he let go of my hand I end up playing with the bottom of my sweatshirt. It's a nervous habit. Dean taps things when he's impatient or trying to think, Sam paces and sometimes mumbles to himself and I play with the bottom of my shirt or sweater. Whatever's on. Always need to do something with my hands.
"Nothing like this has ever happened with you right?" I asked him. My voice was streaked with worry. But I made it out like I was worried about him, like he had gone through something like this and hadn't told anyone.
I don't know if I was disappointed or relieved when he shook his head no. "No, but I'll look into it okay? I'll figure out what's going on. And once we know and we know whether to freak out or not, we'll tell Dean."
I nodded. There were worse things to be secretive about.
"Thanks Sam." I stepped forward and hugged Sam tightly. He seemed awkward about it, which was odd. We'd hug all the time; but then the thought occurred to me. I was with Dean now. Did that make me different? Did it make me and Sam different? He brought his arms up around me nonetheless and hugged me gently. It wasn't the Sammy Winchester hugs he was known for, but it'd have to do.
We walked back in and Dean was already awake, getting coffee out of the coffee pot. Good things about kitchenettes, they came with coffee makers. But surprisingly, never with the coffee. You had to buy some. And then there was the milk and sugar, we learned a long time ago to just drink it black. But every so often Sam and I would stick a ton of sugar packets into our pockets at diners. Dean always looked at us like we were crazy, but I knew he enjoyed it when he had something to put in his coffee.
Sam headed straight for the bathroom and I felt like hitting him with the door on the way in. Way to avoid Dean Sam, and leave me to look straight in his eyes and lie to him. Although I knew that was all up to me. I could tell him the truth if I wanted to, but I was afraid to. So I didn't.
He turned slightly as I approached him. He was against the counter mixing his coffee and I leaned on his back, encircling my arms around his waist. "When did you wake up?"
"About ten minutes ago." His voice was gruff like he'd just woken up not a moment ago. I laid my head on his back. "Where were you two?"
"Out on the balcony, he was just clearing his head and trying to wake up and I was telling him the bathroom was free." It was a good thing his back was to me, otherwise my face would have lit up like a flare and Dean would have known I was lying.
He stopped leaning over the counter when he was done stirring his coffee and I pulled back and went to get a water bottle out of the fridge. I went over to my purse and pulled out some lemonade packets. Good thing my purse was big enough to stash things when we went 'shopping'. Couldn't tell you how many times I had gotten away with things with this purse.
"What are you doing?" he asked, watching me.
I ripped one of the packets and poured it into the water bottle. "Instant lemonade." I started shaking the bottle from side to side to mix in the powder.
Dean sighed and set his coffee back down on the counter. He'd raised it to take a sip but all he could focus on was my lemonade mixing skills. Go figure. "When are we going to talk about it?"
"There's nothing to talk about." I said simply. I should have just played it off like I had no idea what he was talking about. Now it was obvious I knew we had to talk and that I was trying to put it off.
"Bullshit Andy, alright?" It kind of surprised me to see him swear at me. I shouldn't have been, he swore all the time. Just not to me. "You had two nightmares last night that scared the crap outta you. There is something to talk about."
I shook my head and let out a sigh. It wasn't an angry or frustrated sigh. I was tired. "Look Dean I really just don't want to talk about it okay?"
"So it's okay for you to tell Sam…" My breath caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking. "But not me." He sounded so disappointed and hurt. No, he sounded betrayed.
"How did…" I didn't know why that was coming out of my mouth instead of I'm sorry.
"Walls are thin Andy. Plus I woke up and you weren't here. I was worried." He shook his head and scoffed like he shouldn't have been so worried. Like he shouldn't have given a damn about me in the first place.
I stepped towards him but he stepped back. It was a dance I wasn't into. "Dean, I'm sorry."
Dean nodded and pursed his lips. "Yeah, me too."
With that he grabbed his jacket and headed out the door.
0o0o0o0o
I couldn't believe Dean had just walked out. I sank down on one of the beds and just sat there waiting for Sam to emerge from the bathroom. I just prayed to God Dean came back. I knew he was probably just burning off some steam but I couldn't shake the nervousness in my stomach.
"Andy, what is it?" Sam asked sitting next to me. He smelled of new sprayed cologne and soap.
"Dean and I had a fight, he left." I said quietly. "It's my fault. I should have just told him."
Sam sighed and ran a hand through his wet locks. "Yeah, I guess so. But it's not like Dean doesn't have secrets yeah know?"
I smiled and looked at my hands. "It's okay Sam; you don't have to stick up for me like that."
"You want me to say something?"
I shook my head and heard someone approach the door. "No, I think I have to fix this one myself."
"Got us a job." Dean said walking in with a newspaper. He was looking directly at Sam and handed him the newspaper when he got closer to us. It amazed me how he wasn't mad at Sam at all. Just me. I guess I deserved that.
"What is it?" Sam asked.
"Local children have been getting kidnapped from their homes. When their found it says that they look like they've been eaten."
"Werewolf?" I knew that wasn't right but I wanted to say something. To prove that I was still there.
Sam shook his head. "Lunar cycle isn't right." It wasn't the brother I wanted to answer me.
"Remember those things in dad's journal? He called them…damn what was it, Rawheads?"
I nodded. "Oh yeah I remember that. Kidnapped children, fed off them, you electrocute them right?"
Dean wasn't looking at me but I could tell he wanted to. I was the one who knew what the hell he was talking about but he still didn't look. Just looked at Sam nod along right with what I was saying.
"We need to shag ass and find the house its living in, it feeds at night."
"It doesn't live in the woods? I mean are you sure it's living in a house?" I asked getting up from the bed to find my shoes.
"No, when it's on a crucial feeding cycle it doesn't bother dragging them into the woods. It's late this season, it won't have time." Dean snapped.
"Dean, chill alright? It was just a question." Sam tried. But I didn't need him to stand up for me.
"Huh, now look who's coming to your rescue." Dean teased. But it was anything but playful. He was pissed and Sam coming to my defense was just fueling the fire. "Alright Sam you want to be there for her, rescue her? Good for you. Because I'm sure as hell not doing it anymore."
He made sure he had his keys and headed out to the Impala. It was the second time he'd walked out on me today and I was pretty sure I couldn't take it one more time.
0o0o0o0o
We patrolled around the neighborhood, trying to find anything that looked suspicious but we couldn't find anything. We decided to look around the neighboring houses of the last house that had children kidnapped. It was probably something we should have done first. We got out of the car and headed around to the trunk where Dean took out tasers and handed them to us.
"What do you got those amped up to?" Sam asked.
"A hundred thousand volts. I want this rawhead extra frickin' crispy. And remember, you only get one shot with these things. So make it count."
Sam and I nodded and followed Dean into the house. We headed down to the basement after looking through the rest of the house. Dean motioned to a cupboard; the doors were rattling slightly.
We held up our tasers and waited for Dean to count the three. He threw the door open and two children were cowering inside.
"Is it still here?" Sam asked them and the children nodded. We helped them out of the cupboards and Sam started the take them upstairs. The Rawhead grabbed Sam from underneath the stairs and the children started screaming as Sam fell. He got up just as quickly as he fell and threw the taser at Dean, who caught it easily.
"Come on." Dean called holding up his taser, waiting for the thing to strike. I watched him walk through a puddle to cross the room and I followed him to watch his back. Suddenly the creature appeared at the bottom of the stairs and came rushing towards us. I raised the taser and it knocked it straight out of my hands. Before I could retaliate the thing charged and Dean pushed me out of the way. I landed against the wall, hitting my head on a box on the floor. I must have blacked out for a moment because the next thing I knew Sam was shaking me awake. As soon as I came to he moved over to someone beside me. He was shaking Dean and calling his name. But he wasn't moving. I thought he was dead.
0o0o0o0o
I paced in front of Sam as we waited for the doctor to come out and tell us about Dean. We had ridden in the Ambulance with Dean on the way here. But they hadn't been able to get his heart rate back in a healthy rhythm.
"Can you stop that please?" Sam asked watching my feet. "I'm the pacer remember? You're making me dizzy."
I didn't care. My legs had minds of their own and they wouldn't stop walking back and forth or shaking.
"Andy, seriously."
I didn't answer him. Just kept looking at the door they had taken Dean through. My heart kept throbbing violently in my chest and I felt hot tears pool around my eyes. I blinked them away and Sam stood, finally sick of me not hearing him. He grabbed my shoulders and stopped my pacing.
I looked up at him and his face softened along with his grip. "He's going to be okay right?" I asked him desperately. "I need him to be okay."
He pulled me into a tight hug and tried rocking me slightly. It's what Dean did when I got really upset and it made me wonder how Sam knew that.
"Sir?" A nurse came up and Sam pulled back slightly to look at her. His arm remained around my shoulders, holding me to his chest.
"Yes?" he asked. He sounded like he'd been crying.
"We don't seem to have any insurance on file."
"Oh, right." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet with the insurance card. He was fumbling with only one hand but I was grateful his arm had stayed around me. I was pretty sure if Sam hadn't been holding me up my legs would have given out. I couldn't feel them. Actually, I was pretty sure every part of my body was numb. I barely felt Sam rubbing my back and arms. It left like there was a wall of cotton between his hand and my body.
The nurse looked at the card. "Okay, Mr. Burkovitz."
Sam sat me in the chair he was sitting in before and glanced over at Dean's room. "I'm going to go talk to the cops."
"What are you going to tell them?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I'll think of something. You going to be alright?"
I nodded; I had been ready to ask him the same question. Sam tilted his head to the side like he didn't believe me. He shrugged his jacket it off and slipped it over my shoulders and went to go talk to the cops. I knew he was going to make it out like Dean had done something heroic to end up where he was. But he wasn't a hero. Not today. Saving me wasn't heroic, it was selfish. I could be replaced; I wasn't the key to this team or to Sam. Sam and Dean needed one another to do their job; they didn't need me like they needed each other.
I saw the doctor come out of Dean's room and I joined Sam to hear what he had to say. My heart was hammering in my chest and I swear I couldn't hear anything over the frantic beating.
"Hey, Doc. Is he—" Sam treaded cautiously.
"He's resting. The electrocution triggered a heart attack. Pretty massive, I'm afraid. His heart—it's damaged."
"How damaged?" I asked.
"We've done all we can. We can try and keep him comfortable at this point. But, I'd give him a couple weeks, at most, maybe a month."
I was wondering if my heart breaking into a million pieces would be covered on the insurance card. It seemed like it should have been.
Sam was still denying everything. "No, no. There's—there's gotta be something you can do, some kind of treatment."
The doctor looked at him sadly. "We can't work miracles. I really am sorry."
I watched as Sam headed into Dean's room. I couldn't see him yet. Not yet. I kept trying to think that he was still upset with me and that's why I couldn't see him. It was easier than thinking he was dying. This was all my fault.
Sam came back out about five minutes later looking angry and upset. He brushed past me and muttered something about coffee and I inched towards Dean's room. I peeked in through the door and he was watching television, aimlessly flipping through channels.
"I can pretty much feel you lurking Andy." Dean announced suddenly. "Might as well come in."
I walked in and closed the door behind me. "How are you?" What a stupid question to ask. He probably felt as horrible as he looked. This wasn't the Dean I knew. This one looked weak and afraid. He was very pale and had dark purple circles under his eyes. I could tell he was in pain too and that the meds were barely taking the edge off.
I shook my head and sat in the visitors chair next to his bed. For some reason when I saw him like this I was furious. But I couldn't pinpoint why.
Dean must have picked up on it right away. "I can't figure it out." He said, turning the TV off.
"What?"
"Why you're so pissed at me. I mean, last time I checked I'm the one who was angry."
"I'm not mad at you." I said simply. But he was right. I was mad and I had no right to be. I was the one who screwed up this morning. But I couldn't help it. The way he was lying there in that hospital bed was my fault and it made me furious. He didn't believe what I had just said. I could see it written on his face.
"Right, because that scowl you've had since you've sat down is from seeing that fabric softener teddy bear." Dean said. "Seriously what's wrong?"
"It's just…what's the game now?" I stood up and started pacing. Looks like I had more than one nervous habit. "Go on a hunt and try and get yourself killed?" He looked at me like he couldn't judge whether I was serious or not. "See how many death defying stunts will rattle people? You shouldn't have pushed me out of the way." I said angrily.
Dean sat up in his bed and put his hands up in defense, like he was going to get punched by my words alone. "Okay, where the hell is this coming from? No need to thank me for saving your ass out there."
Didn't he get it? This wasn't about me. "You and Sam are the only two people I have left. I don't want you to watch my back; I want you to watch your own!"
Dean just looked at me. His face softened after a moment and I looked away from him. The room was quiet after my yelling and my heart kept beating right along with Dean's heart monitor. At least he understood now, how much they really meant to me. Understood how scared I was that one hunt I'd lose them and I could do nothing to stop it. Just like today.
"Come here." He said gently, motioning to the side of his bed. I looked at him hesitantly. I knew he was only forgiving me because I was crying that I let him get hurt and that he could tell I was scared to death of loosing him.
I sat on the bed and he sat up as much as he could and pulled me into a hug, I knew his chest was probably killing him but it felt good to be in his arms again.
"You're going to die because of me." I said. My quiet tears I'd been holding back turned into shuddering sobs.
He pulled me back for a moment and waited for my eyes to reach his. When I did he smiled slightly and pushed my hair behind my ear.
"You know that's not true. You know how this job is Andy."
"You shouldn't have pushed me out of the way." I argued.
"I'd do it again. Every time." Dean squeezed my shoulders and pulled me back into his chest, holding me tightly. He held me until the door knocked and Sam came in with coffee. I pulled back and went to get a cup from him.
"I'm going to head back to the motel. You might need to stay overnight for observation."
Dean rolled his eyes and muttered something about stupid hospitals. "You better not be doing what I think you're doing." Dean said taking a careful look at Sam.
Sam just shrugged. "Nothing I haven't already told you."
"Sam." It sounded repeated, like they'd had this conversation before and Sam was trying Dean's patience with it.
I just kept my mouth shut and nursed the cup of coffee in my hands like I couldn't hear them.
"You coming with me?" Sam asked. I nodded and Sam motioned for Dean to give him the keys. He rolled his eyes and pulled them out from a drawer next to him. I loved how he probably didn't know where his clothes or wallet were but he made damn sure he knew where his keys were. "I'll get the car."
"I can see Sam's going to be pleasant on the drive back." I said and walked back over to Dean.
"Just make sure my car makes it back alright."
I smiled slightly and nodded. "I'm really sorry about this morning."
"We'll talk about it later."
I leaned in close to his face. "But we're okay?"
Dean nodded, smiling. "We're okay."
I kissed him on the cheek and before I could pull away his hand curled behind my neck and pulled me into a long kiss on the lips.
"I'll come get you when you call alright?"
He nodded. "Andy, keep Sam out of trouble okay?"
I hadn't heard their earlier conversation, but knowing them I knew what it was about. And I was going to help Sam any way I could.
0o0o0o0o
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