Thanks to all who reviewed! Glad you liked the ball scene and the resulting snog in the garden.
Disclaimer: As ever, I don't own the Mighty Boosh, or Pride and Prejudice. I just play with them in the night times.
The day after the ball opened a new scene at the Bennet residence. Mr Collins made his declaration in form. Having resolved to do it without loss of time, as his leave of absence extended only to the coming Monday, he set about it in a very orderly manner, with all the observances which he supposed a regular part of the business. He came upon Mrs Bennet, Vince and Mary soon after breakfast and patiently waited for Mrs Bennet to finish speaking.
"...And what have you done to your lip?"
"I had a slight accident shaving?"
"You had a... since when do you shave, Vince? Why was I not informed?"
"I am twenty, Mother. Father taught me to shave some years ago, we did not think it that noteworthy an occasion."
"If you learnt so many years ago, why have you managed to graze yourself this morning?"
"I was tired from last night and did not prepare my razor properly. Is this truly what you wished to speak to me about?"
Mrs Bennet glared at Vince's nervous face and slightly pink lip and Mr Collins, who had been about to speak, suddenly thought better of it and remained silent.
"No, of course, dear, I wished to thank you for leaving your sisters' suitors alone last night and to rebuke you for failing once again to dance with Miss Bingley. I heard from Lady Lucas that you were overheard discussing planets with Mr Darcy and then disappeared to go stargazing. Stargazing! My word, Vince, you shall become your father if you keep up at this pace. I heard a dozen compliments on your attire and yet you did not dance with even half of the ladies in attendance and the ones you did take hands with were your either sisters or Miss Lucas."
"I was not in the spirit for dancing and I enjoyed the company of Mr Darcy, he is an interesting man and I feel privileged that he deigns to call me friend."
"Oh, Vince!"
Here Mr Collins found his moment to enter the conversation.
"He is indeed a true man of action, and of great learning. I discovered only last night that he is the nephew of Lady Catherine and has been betrothed to her daughter since childhood. You should be proud that your son has made a friend of a standing so much higher than his own."
Vince glared with such venom that Mr Collins jumped ever so slightly, but he managed to remain silent despite the new turmoil suddenly spinning within his mind.
"Mr Collins, I did not see you there," Mrs Bennet exclaimed, seeming to be thoroughly mollified by the idea that Mr Darcy could elevate her son's status. "How might we help you?"
"Well, may I hope, Madam, for your interest with your fair daughter Mary, when I solicit for the honour of a private audience with her in the course of this morning?"
"No!" Vince could not stop the word from escaping his mouth but his mother was choosing to ignore him.
"Oh dear, why, yes! Certainly, I am sure Mary will be very happy! She can have no objections. Come, Vince, I want you upstairs."
"What? No!"
"Oh, would you prefer we continue our discussion on the state of your lip?"
Vince felt his cheeks turn a pink to match his upper lip but turned to his sister, refusing to let her meet such an unwanted fate as was surely waiting for her if she were left alone in a room with a determined Mr Collins.
"Dear Mother, I beg you," Mary beseeched. "do not force my brother to depart. Mr Collins must excuse me. I simply find the prospect of being so alone without a chaperone not quite proper. You can have nothing to say to me that any body need not hear."
"No, no, nonsense, Mary. I am in great need of Vince's assistance upstairs. I need his height, to reach a hat box from the top shelf."
At Mrs Bennet's statement all eyes had no choice but to look up and down Vince's slight stature. Mrs Bennet was not a petit woman and Vince was barely two inches taller than her, dressed casually as he was without his boots. Even Mrs Bennet noticed the fact and, upon sighting her son's unshod feet, her eyes widened until Vince quietly wondered if they might topple from her head.
"Downstairs, in the sight of your cousin and anyone who might come to visit, in nothing but your stockings! Upstairs right now, Vince! Mary, I insist upon your staying and hearing Mr Collins."
Vince could not stand against such an injunction, and neither could Mary, and within a moment Vince found himself poked and prodded up the stairs and into his room with the strictest instructions not to emerge until he had thoroughly cleaned every one of his boots and picked a pair that best suited his waistcoat.
Downstairs, Mary had been led into the empty breakfast room, where she quickly positioned the table between herself and her amorous cousin.
"Believe me, my dear Miss Mary, that your modesty, so far from doing you any disservice, rather adds to your other perfections. You would have been less amiable in my eyes had there not been this little unwillingness; but allow me to assure you that I have your respected mother's permission for this address. You can hardly doubt the purport of my discourse, however your natural delicacy may lead you to dissemble; my attentions have been too marked to be mistaken."
Mary glanced down and had to stifle a giggle as she saw the fine speech written out in a smudged scrawl on a small piece of paper in Mr Collins's hand.
"Almost as soon as I entered the house I singled you out as the companion of my future life. But before I am run away with by my feelings on this subject, perhaps it will be advisable for me to state my reasons for marrying."
The idea of Mr Collins, with all his solemn composure, and ridiculous mustache, being run away with by his feelings, made Mary so very near laughing that she could not use the short pause he allowed in any attempt to stop him farther, and he continued.
"My reasons for marrying are, first, that I think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances (like myself) to set the example of matrimony in his parish. Secondly, that I am convinced it will add very greatly to my happiness; and thirdly, which perhaps I ought to have mentioned earlier, that it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honour of calling patroness. I can see that you are a young lady of strong morals, good learning, and fair visage and can see no impediment to our union."
It was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now.
"You are too hasty, sir," she cried. "You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do it without further loss of time. Accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me, I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than decline them."
"I am not now to learn," replied Mr Collins, with a formal wave of the hand, "that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their favour; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second or even a third time. I am therefore by no means discouraged by what you have just said, and shall hope to lead you to the alter ere long."
"Upon my word," Mary cried. "Your hope is rather an extraordinary one after my declaration. I assure I am not one of those young ladies. I am perfectly serious in my refusal. You could not make me happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who would make you so. I am very ill qualified for the position as wife, for anyone, please."
She began to edge around the table and back toward the door and would have made her hasty exit if Mr Collins had not continued to address her.
"When I do myself the honour of speaking to you next on this subject I shall hope to receive a more favourable answer than you have now given me; though I am far from accusing you of cruelty at present, because I know it to be the established custom of your sex to reject a man on the first application, and perhaps you have even now said as much to encourage my suit as would be consistent with the true delicacy of the female character."
"I assure you, I will reject every application from every man, Mr Collins. I am not meaning to be cruel to your person, I am simply asserting that I shall never give my assent to any proposal of this kind."
"You must give me leave to flatter myself, my dear cousin, that your refusal of my addresses is merely words of course."
"No, Mr Collins, you misunderstand me completely. I am telling you that I am resolved never to marry!" Mary cried, her hand finding the handle of the door.
"You are uniformly charming," cried he, with an air of awkward gallantry; "and I am persuaded that when sanctioned by the express authority of both your excellent parents, my proposals will not fail of being acceptable."
To such perseverance in willful self-deception, Mary would make no reply, and immediately and in silence withdrew; determined that if he persisted, to fall on the mercy of her father, whose refusal at least could not be mistaken for the affectation and coquetry of an elegant female. For now she fled to the safety of her room and her siblings.
Mrs Bennet, who had been crouched at the other door during this distressing interview, now hurried instantly to her husband, and called out as she entered the study,
"Oh! Mr Bennet, you are wanted immediately, we are all in an uproar. You must come and make Mary marry Mr Collins, for she vows she will not have him, and if you do not make haste he will change his mind and not have her!"
Mr Bennet raised his eyes from his book as she entered, and fixed them on her face with a calm unconcern.
"I have not the pleasure of understanding you," he said when she was quite finished. "Of what are you talking?"
"Of Mr Collins and Mary. Mary declares she will not have Mr Collins. Indeed she says she will not have any man!"
"And what am I to do on this occasion? It seems a hopeless case."
"Speak to Mary about it yourself. Tell her that you insist upon her marrying him."
"Let her be called down. She shall hear my opinion."
Mrs Bennet rang the bell, and Miss Mary was summoned to the study.
She was shaking when the maid informed her that she was wanted by both her father and mother and Vince, despite knowing the anger it would illicit from his mother, took Mary's hand and accompanied her and refused to budge even under his mother's stare.
"Come here, child," cried her father when they appeared and Mary removed her hand from Vince's with reluctance. "I have sent for you on an affair of importance. I understand that Mr Collins has made an offer of marriage. Is it true?" Mary nodded that it was. "Very well. And this offer of marriage you have refused?"
"I have, sir."
"Well, we now come to the point. Your mother insists upon your accepting it. Is not it so, Mrs Bennet?"
"Yes, or I will never see her again."
Mr Bennet sighed.
"An unhappy alternative is before you, Mary. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr Collins, and I will never see you again if you do."
Vince could not but do a small jump for joy at such a conclusion to such a beginning and he could see the amazed smile stretch across his sister's face. But Mrs Bennet, who had persuaded herself that her husband regarded the affair as she wished, was excessively disappointed.
"What do you mean, Mr Bennet, by talking in this way? You promised me to insist upon her marrying him."
"My dear, I did not," replied her husband. "But I do have to insist on a promise from my son."
He turned gravely to face Vince, who stood as tall as he was able, glad now that he was dressed properly. Whatever it was his father would ask, he wanted him to be proud and know that he could take his son at his word.
"Your sister, Vince, has resolved never to marry, or so is my understanding and, from what I have seen of your behaviour together, you are determined to protect her from all her unwanted suitors. Correct?"
"Yes, Father."
"Then you must know that she is now your responsibility. She will of course be provided for while I live and will receive her share of inheritance when I go and be welcome in this house and loved by all under it's roof." Here he looked pointedly at his wife. "But if you are both resolute in her decision to remain single she shall be in your care when Mrs Bennet and I are gone. I trust you will take this responsibility with the seriousness that it deserves?"
"Of course, Father," Vince replied, thrusting his shoulders back. "It is an honour to do so."
"Good, then that is settled. I have but one final request. That my study is now vacated and that I be allowed to read in peace until called for lunch."
Mary and Vince made their exits quickly and left their mother to fluster ineffectually until she was ordered out in no uncertain terms.
Mr Collins, meanwhile, was meditating in solitude on what had passed. He thought too well of himself to comprehend on what motive his cousin could refuse him; and although his pride was hurt, he consoled himself that the young woman seemed opposed to marriage in principle and not him in particular, and so he suffered in no other respect. His regard for her was quite imaginary and the possibility of her deserving her mother's reproaches, which he heard from the study with ease, prevented his feeling any regret.
While the family were in this confusion, Charlotte Lucas came to spend the day with her friends. She was met by Lydia, who, flying to her in high excitement, cried in a half whisper,
"I am so glad you are come, for there is such fun here! What do you think has happened this morning? Mr Collins made an offer to Mary, and she will not have him, and has sworn never to marry, and Father has agreed to let her!"
Charlotte had hardly time to answer before they were joined by Kitty, who came to tell the same news with further embellishments, and no sooner had they entered the sitting room, where Mrs Bennet sat alone, than she likewise began on the subject, calling on Miss Lucas for her compassion, and entreating her to persuade her friend Mary to comply with the wishes of her family.
"Pray do, my dear Miss Lucas," she added in a melancholy tone, "for nobody is on my side, nobody takes part with me, I am cruelly used, nobody feels for my poor nerves."
Charlotte's reply was spared by the entrance of Mary, Jane and Vince.
"Aye, here they come," continued Mrs Bennet, "the conspirators! Looking as unconcerned as may be, and not caring a thing for me. But I tell you, Mary, if you think you shall be well provided for by Vince you are very much mistaken. He shall squander his income on soft fabrics, mark my words, and when he takes his own wife, I find it highly unlikely that she will be well pleased by the presence of a spinster sister." She sniffed loudly and turned her attention to Jane.
"I hope you will not be so turned by your sister's strange fancy, Jane. Do not think this is to be a revolution against the happy state of marriage. The town is already brimming with gossip about this poor family, never mind the scandal this shall cause. Oh, my nerves!"
Her children listened in silence to this effusion, sensible that any attempt to reason with or soothe her would only increase the irritation. She talked on and on without interruption from any of them until they were joined, quite unexpectedly by Mr Collins, who entered with a more stately air than usual, and seated himself between Charlotte and Mrs Bennet and as far away as he could from Mary.
The silence of the room was quite intolerable, even Lydia and Kitty seemed put out by it and stayed quiet and still. Vince tried to catch Charlotte's eye, to commiserate with her on being sat so close to the man, but her brow was furrowed in thought and when she finally spoke, her words were quite unexpected.
"If it is not impertinent for me to do so, Mr Collins, I came to enquire at to whether you might be free to take luncheon with my family today. My mother has set far too many potatoes to roast and my father wishes to hear more of the Lady Catherine, who, I believe, he had the great honour to meet once as a younger man. If such an outing would not greatly inconvenience Mr and Mrs Bennet."
Mr Collins heartily agreed, being only to happy to discuss his patroness and to escape his current location, and within ten minutes they had set off together on foot for the Lucas estate. Lydia and Kitty made their own plans to go into town known and Vince quickly decided that the exercise and distance from their mother would be beneficial to them all.