This chapter was a bit of a struggle... I wrote the bulk of the scenes with Peeta a month or two ago and then I've re-written and re-worked and uuuugh... Then again I suppose that's what happens when you begin to write a chapter without having decided where you want it to end and which direction you want it to go. I decided to leave it a bit unfocused since I think the characters are too at this point, to a degree. Hope it's not TOO unfocused or it might come off as just a mess. It's also a very dialogue heavy chapter and I tried to re-work it to change that but in the end it just seemed like a whole lot of pointless filler in-between so I went back to the dialogue heavy version.
It's times like these when I think perhaps I ought to get myself a beta... then I quickly remind myself I'm too impatient for that ;)

The time that follows the cancellation of the wedding ends up a bit of a blur. Days on end of nothing much happening, a surprising inactivity after all that drama. Effie stays in the district for five days, that's about as long as she can stomach being here I suppose, and she meticulously pencils in what hours of the day she spends with me, with Peeta and alone in her hotel room "recuperating". Under different circumstances it would have been kind of fun watching her fret over which one of us she should focus the most attention on and how exactly to behave with each of us but I can't find it amusing right now. I think she wants to be supportive of both of us equally but that's rather difficult to manage in a situation like this. All the same, having her around is surprisingly nice and it does feel a bit empty after she's left.

I don't see Peeta at all during this time. I've decided to let him come to me, however long that might take. Looking back I feel a little ashamed of my eagerness that day I found out about the cancelled wedding and I realize I was acting irrationally. I am determined not to make the same mistake twice so I give him whatever space he needs and try to put my focus on other things. My alone time is mostly spent out in the woods but I only hunt enough to feed myself, Haymitch and Effie. I have no desire to go into town and sell my game since I don't know how the talk goes among the gossiping citizens of the district. Is my involvement in the interrupted nuptials common knowledge or are people just wildly speculating? Are they even talking about it as much as I presume? For now I'd rather not know. There's also the risk of running into Lace or anyone in her family and while I don't feel like I have anything to be ashamed of or even apologise for when it comes to her I'd really rather not endure a public confrontation.

So I keep to myself, seeing no one other than Effie and Haymitch, giving the dust some time to settle and Peeta some time to pull himself out of the worst of it. Effie reports to me that apparently the worst came on the day of the cancelled wedding because he's been much more in control of himself when she's visited him, though it's clear that he's struggling. I want to be there with him, be there for him, let him know that whatever happens between us romantically we are friends at heart. I just don't think that's the wisest course of action right now.

So I stay away.

I sit on the steps that lead down from the back porch, lacing my favourite boots to head out hunting, when I hear his footsteps approaching. What feels like half a dozen different emotions run through me in an instant and the strongest one is relief and happiness, which immediately makes me angry with myself for having grown so needy for his mere presence that I would feel happiness at the thought of seeing him after what transpired between us the last time we saw one another. In the few seconds it takes for Peeta to actually come into view confusion wins out as the prevailing emotion, which makes sense since I have no idea where he and I stand and I am absolutely lost as to how to act from this point on. I choose to pretend I can't hear him coming until he stops a few feet away and harks.

When I look up and our eyes meet I feel a sense of guilt for doing this to him. Gone is the happy, healthy-looking Peeta and the man standing before me is one who doesn't seem to have slept much in days and who seems like he would like to do nothing but curl up in a ball on his bed and pretend the world doesn't exist anymore. A feeling I happen to be very familiar with.

"Hey…" I say, wondering why he's chosen to come see me when he's clearly not feeling very well at all.

"Hi" he says. "Going out hunting?" Without waiting for me to answer he continues in a short, pained tone. "Katniss I am so truly sorry for what happened the other day. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I hope you know I didn't mean all those horrible accusations I made."

"It's alright Peeta" I say, wanting to relieve his pain in any way that I can and thereby hopefully relieve my own as well.

"Like hell it is" he snorts. "I don't think it is and I don't think you honestly do either."

"You'd had a rough day…" I begin lamely, finishing the lacing on my boots. Then I shake my head and acknowledge what was really going on. "It was the hijacking… I can tell when you're getting an… episode. That's all it was, Peeta. I know it's not something you can control."

"Do you have any idea how much I hate that excuse?" he sighs heavily. He avoids my eyes and runs a hand through his hair while shifting his weight from one foot to the other in an awkward and impatient manner. "Oftentimes I'm not sure what the difference is between that and how my mother used to hurt me and my brothers."

"What?" I say, my brow furrowing in confusion.

"Come on, you know it's true." He exhales in a huff and stares upward to the sky, anything to avoid looking at me. "Just like my mother used to try and hand-wave it when she hurt one of us boys. It wasn't really her, she just got angry or concerned." He spits out the last sentence with what seems to be years of pent-up bitterness.

"I think it's different when it's the result of somebody mixing with your brain" I argue a touch too sharply.

"Who gives a damn why it happens?" he questions. "The end result is the same. If I hurt you, if I hurt Lace… All of it amounts to the same thing, regardless of why. Can you say it hurts any less because I have a reason? Can't say that 'it's not me' either because these days it is part of me."

"Peeta, slow down" I say. He seems to have been spending way too much time in his head since we last saw one another and clearly he's being hard on himself in a way that won't do anybody any favours. "I don't care about the things you said when you were like that. If you're looking for forgiveness you've got it."

He doesn't seemed placated in the least. I begin to wonder if he had an episode when he was with Lace between the dinner and the wedding and if that had anything to do with the cancelled nuptials.

"Thank you but you're forgiveness is not really of any consequence" he says, shifting awkwardly. Then he immediately cringes. "Wow that sounded awful, I'm sorry, what I mean is… I didn't come here to make myself feel better. You're kinder than I deserve to forgive me but I'm not here in search of an emotional band-aid. I need to take accountability, no matter how difficult it is, or I will never find a way out of this. I just wanted to tell you that I feel horrible about it. All of it." He looks down at his shoes. "And also to tell you that… for the next week, or weeks, I think it's best if you and I don't see much of each other."

I rise to my feet, feeling anxiety grip my heart and also quite a bit of anger rising inside of me. We've spent a week apart already and while I have no problem giving him space I don't like the thought of too much space. There's no denying he's developed a bit of a pattern of running and after coming this far I have no intention of giving him room to do so.

"I disagree" I say firmly.

"I need time to think" he says defensively, finally looking at me but taking a step back in the process. "I think you do, too."

"What's there to think about?" I challenge. Not because I don't believe there's anything to think about but because I want to know specifically what he means to think about. His feelings for me? His decision to call of the wedding? Whether or not he actually wants to be with me?

"Everything."

"Yes God forbid you should be sure of how you feel about me, or about her for that matter." I roll my eyes and then look away, feeling angry and sad. "Unfortunately I'm not perfect like she is so I'm having a little trouble being understanding of this."

"No you're not perfect…" he agrees calmly. "Which is what makes you perfect." He smiles slightly at the look I give him. "You're this strong-willed survivalist who volunteered to go into a death match she had almost no hope of surviving in order to save her sister. Your courage and determination inspired people to finally stand up against 75 years of oppression. It was because of you that many people joined the rebellion once it had begun. Because they looked up to your convictions and your bravery and your willingness to fight against what's wrong. They all sat around year after year ultimately accepting that their children were thrown into the Games every year but you did something active about it. If on top of that you had been flawless you would have been completely unbearable. It's your faults that make you human and vulnerable and make you special. Those are the things that make it so impossible for me not to feel strongly about you." He harks and looks away for a second. "Unfortunately they also make it hard for me to read you and I think I created this whole wrong idea of the way you think and feel and I read your actions and words based on it. Now it makes it incredibly difficult to know what is… real. That's not your fault. Right now I need to… reconfigure my brain or something. Work out what's really real and what is not real. For the record, Lace being perfect, if that's what you think she is, is not real. I just don't go around talking about her faults to other people very often, same as I don't talk about your faults." He shrugs his shoulders in a slightly resigned fashion. "Please, I need this space. I think we both need this space. Do you even know for sure what you want? It's really easy to think you want something that's out of your reach but maybe you haven't been seeing me clearly either and maybe…"

"You're right" I say shortly, crossing my arms over my chest. If he's going to insinuate that I only want him if I can't have him then he's clearly not in a good place right now and we should give each other some space. Though I sure as hell don't plan on letting him think I might not want him for real. "We should take some time to think. Both of us." I shrug one shoulder and cock my neck. "I just finished my bit of thinking. Take however long you need with yours."

"Katniss I'm serious. I don't think I'm in any place right now to be starting anything with you, or with anyone. I need to take a step back and find myself again. You deserve that. I deserve that. Lace deserves it as well."

"What makes you so sure you can find yourself on your own?" I wonder. "The way I see it you tried that before and it landed you engaged with a seamstress from District 8. You ran. What's to say that won't happen again?"

"Can I ask you something Katniss?"

"What?"

"You say you're done thinking but I don't want you to make the mistakes I've made. I apologise for making assumptions but I can't help but wonder if you're really thinking about this or if you're letting your feelings get in the way of rationality. That didn't exactly lead to anything good when I did that and I have to ask... Do you love me… as in the person I am now, the person who has been… well, a jerk to you, and to Lace. Or do you love the person you lost in the hijacking? I'll never be that person again. If that's the boy you love then I will be nothing but a huge disappointment to you."

The question hangs in the air for several minutes. I have no idea how to answer him. I'm not even sure he expects an answer. A warm summer breeze brushes against my skin but I feel cold and begin to rub my upper arms with my hands slowly. There's legitimacy to his question but I don't care to acknowledge it because it cannot be answered so simply. I'm nowhere near apt enough with words to give him a good explanation.

"I should go" he says eventually, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "Lace is waiting for me."

"Oh?" I ask icily. The mentioning of her name and that he is going to meet up with her bothers me so much more than I would like to admit and I can't completely conceal it. Not now, when he knows the truth.

"She and I… have things to discuss."

"Yeah, because of course you can have a meaningful conversation with her but not with me, right?"

"I came to you first, didn't I?" He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before looking at his watch. "I need to go. I will be late."

"Wouldn't want that, would we?" I say bitterly.

"Katniss…"

"Just go" I scowl.

"Please just… promise me you'll think about all of this" he says, beginning to move slowly across my lawn to head back to the road. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry it all got so messed up."

I still don't know what he thinks he has to be sorry about, seeing as how the core of the problem is that two women love him and he never chose that, but I say nothing as he walks off to go meet with his ex-fiancée. I don't want to think about the possibility that she could still be his fiancée by the end of the day. For all I know they could end up having a toasting tonight, just the two of them, depending on what is actually going on between them now. Nothing seems to be making sense anymore. With a tired huff I go back inside my house, not really in the mood for hunting, and decide to take my miserable state of mind out on somebody else.

Buttercup is getting a bath.

A welcome distraction comes a few hours later when Max comes knocking on my door. I don't recall ever telling him my address but I suppose it's not that difficult to figure out. Either way his surprise appearance is hardly the most astonishing thing to have happened to me lately so I decide not to think too hard about it. He says he has some things to discuss about the fundraiser, something I had completely forgotten was even going to take place, but I don't mind immersing myself in it for a while. It beats sitting around here with my thoughts, trying to analyse some sense into my current situation. It also beats the seemingly endless string of hisses from a very wet and sulky Buttercup.

"You can walk with me back to town and we'll talk along the way" suggests Max. "I'm guessing you haven't been to town in a few days. Judging by the look of you, you could use a good meal. Time to stop at the market and buy a bit of food perhaps?"

"I'm perfectly well-fed" I grumble, wrapping my cardigan around myself as I step outside and close the door behind me.

"Fine, if you say so" he shrugs. I fall in beside him and we begin to walk in the direction of town, the summer breeze bringing a fresh scent of summer that I usually love but which barely registers with me at present. "So here's the pickle. Your buddy Peeta had agreed to make a banner and this large 'don't be a cheapskate, donate some damn money' poster for us but he called the other day and said he couldn't do it anymore."

"Peeta was supposed to help out with the fundraiser?" That's new information. I find myself a bit irritated that nobody mentioned this to me.

"And now he's not anymore."

"What do you want me to do about it?" I ask grumpily. "I can't paint. I can barely draw a stick figure."

"I was hoping perhaps you could go knock on his door and point an arrow at his throat and tell him to help us out or die of shame. Or something."

I laugh unhappily.

"Peeta's not going to do it because I ask him to. Actually I think it's for the better that he bowed out of this one."

"Who the hell's side are you on?" snorts Max, brushing his brown hair away from his eyes as he glares at me.

"Why don't you just get some of the students to come in and make a bannister and a poster? That would be much more fitting anyway."

He sighs and opens his mouth to protest but then pauses. His scowl turns into a more thoughtful expression.

"Okay that's… that's actually not an awful idea."

"Stop, I'm blushing" I say dryly.

"No, I think you actually might be on to something."

"Great. Does that mean I can turn around and go home?"

He gives me a sideways glance.

"Everything alright there, Everdeen? You're kind of a drag today even for you."

"Solved your problem, didn't I?"

"Possibly."

He doesn't say anything else for a minute, the only sounds filling my ears being the rustle of the wind in the trees, the singing of the birds and our boots against the road. I feel oddly strange being outdoors without my hunting gear and game bag. In fact I feel almost vulnerable wearing a simple pair of slacks, a tank top and a cardigan. It's the kind of outfit I mostly just wear at home these days and it's a wonder Max hasn't commented since he's never seen me dressed this casually before.

After about a minute of silence my mind annoyingly enough begins to drift back to Peeta. Is he still with Lace? What is happening between them today? Will he be ceasing contact with her, or just with me? Will seeing her make him suddenly regret walking out on her? Has all of this been a monstrously bad case of cold feet and he will have a change of heart when they are together today? I really wish he could have just cut her out of his life entirely even though I know that's not at all reasonable.

"Did I tell you I met Milo's date?" asks Max, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, he brought her over for dinner last week. I mean, can you believe that? They've been out once and he's bringing her home to meet the parents? I most definitely hope it's a scare tactic to make her run for the hills."

"Wouldn't want to be supportive of brother dearest, would we?" I reply, kicking a pebble with the toe of my boot.

"I'm supportive, just not of her. I'm supportive of Milo dating people that don't annoy the living shit out of me."

"What's wrong with her?" I ask, hoping the conversation will distract me.

"It was as if she was born one day, took a deep breath and hasn't stopped talking since. Seriously, the woman never shuts up! I've heard her voice far more than I've heard yours and I've only spent four hours in her company."

I can't keep myself from smiling a little. The frustrated way Max brushes his hair away from his face adds a bit to the smile.

"Sounds like she's perfect for Milo then, seeing as how he hardly ever talks."

"Well I guess that's one way of looking at it…"

I shrug a shoulder and try once more not to think about Peeta. How he was always more talkative than I, how perhaps to an outsider it might occasionally seem like he did all the talking and that therefore we were a good match for one another. I give a little shake to my head, trying to clear my mind of these thoughts, and don't realize that Max has gone on talking until he gives me a nudge with his elbow.

"Hey" I complain, rubbing my arm slightly.

"You know, even for you you're being alarmingly unsociable today" remarks Max, giving me a sly look. "Is this your female way of telling me you're mad about me over something? It had better not be that I haven't asked you to be my date for the fundraiser because I think you and I both know we wouldn't last the evening without clawing each other's eyes out. My eyes are too pretty to be clawed out."

Despite myself I laugh and actually feel the slightest bit lighter at heart.

"No don't worry, I had completely forgotten you were dateless."

"Oh jolly good, my deepest troubles and concerns have obviously been at the forefront of your mind for all of one minute. Seriously Katniss, this whole friendship thing must be uncharted territory for you because you're useless at it."

I give him a dry look but keep the smile on my face.

"Oh like you've been digging deep into whatever issues are plaguing my mind right now" I retort.

"Wouldn't dare to. I'm worried you might castrate me. With the blunt end of one of your arrows."

"I think your parents would fire me if I robbed them of the opportunity to have grandbabies by you."

We continue to walk and he continues to talk about the upcoming fundraiser while I take care to actually listen. It's nice getting out of the house and getting some air, not to mention having some pleasant company. At least Max has no demands from me and seems completely unaware of all the drama that has unfolded in the past weeks. I have no clue how big a scandal the cancelled wedding is in town but judging by Max's demeanour my name isn't involved in the gossip. Or he's just being a good friend and keeping his mouth shut about it but I kind of doubt he has that ability. Perhaps he knows and simply doesn't care.

The sun shines brightly down on us, beams of sunlight trickling in through the leaves of the trees that otherwise shade the road. It's the height of summer and it occurs to me that I haven't been out to the lake in a while. This summer hasn't been nearly as scorching as last year's but it's still been warm enough that a good swim might be nice. I make the decision to head out there tomorrow and spend some quality time by myself, sorting my mind out or just enjoying a break from everything else.

"I've decided I'm going to stop calling you Katniss" says Max out of the blue, shifting expertly from one topic to the other. A second ago he was talking about the birds singing above our heads.

"What?" I ask. "Why?"

"Because it's a stupid ass name and it's annoying to say" he says, completely undeterred by my angry scowl. "From now on I'm calling you Kat."

"Just Kat?" I scoff.

"Yep. That's all you're getting out of me." He smirks in an annoying way. "Meow."

"Oh how I rue the day I first met you" I sigh, sticking my hands in my cardigan pockets and shaking my head tiredly.

"Hey at least I'm not calling you Mockingjay" he grins. "Or any version thereof. Of course, if you'd rather, I could call you Mocky."

"I'd rather you call me Katniss" I say. "I don't like nicknames." I think of how I occasionally heard Lace call Peeta 'Peet' and how ridiculous I always found it. "Parents give their children names because they want them to be called that, not because they want to hear other versions of the names."

"You think no parent in the history of civilization has ever used a nickname for one of their kids?" chuckles Max. "I like how your world view is so narrow."

"You like everything that annoys me" I say.

"True, true… Tell me, was your sister named Prim or was that short for something?"

I glare at him, knowing I have no adequate comeback for that.

"No wonder you don't have a date" I say instead. "No sane girl could put up with that much time in your direct proximity."

He shrugs, seemingly not the least bit affected by my slur.

"Whatever you say, Kat." A pensive look comes over his face. "Or perhaps I'll call you Nissy. Do you prefer Nissy?"

I sigh heavily and give him a rather aggressive elbowing to the arm but he just laughs even though he rubs the spot I jammed.

That afternoon, just as I've started rummaging through my pantry trying to decide what to make for dinner, there's another knock on my door. I snort and turn my eyes to Buttercup who is sitting on the floor eyeing me, probably hoping I'm making something that involves either cheese or ham since in that case he can beg for a taste. It seems he's forgiven me for the bath, though just barely. The scratch marks on my hands and arms still sting a bit.

"Looks like Haymitch doesn't feel like making his own dinner today" I remark dryly to the cat, who hisses at me in response. So, not entirely forgiven.

I close the pantry door and make my way to the front door, deciding I will let Haymitch join me if he does the cooking. To my surprise I open the door to find Peeta, not Haymitch. I wasn't expecting to see him again today, or again in a month or so after what he said about needing space. He looks tired and a little haggard but not really any worse than he did earlier today. He doesn't look joyful at least, so I take it there was no reunion with Lace.

"What do you want?" I ask, ´more bluntly than intended.

"I know I said I needed some space but… I was hoping you'd agree to talk to me a bit more today first." He nervously shifts from one foot to the other. "There's something I need to say and… It feels like we didn't get to finish our conversation before."

"And who's fault was that?"

"Can I come in, Katniss?"

I think about it for a quick second. Letting him come inside the house is a bad idea. Staying out here is much wiser. That way I can just up and leave and slam my door if I want the conversation to be over.

"I'm making dinner so make it quick" I say, stepping outside and closing the door behind me.

He shoves his hands into his back pockets and looks around for a second before settling on sitting down on the porch steps, his hands now on his lap instead. I walk past him down on the grass and remain standing, wanting to sit beside him but figuring it's not the best idea.

"When I say I need space I don't mean for you to feel like that's a slight against you" he says. "It's something I really need and as I said I think it would be good for both of us. You need to take some time and figure out what it is you want from me. If the answer is the Peeta you knew before then…"

"How is Lace?" I ask in an attempt to divert the question, my tone hopefully making it clear that I'm not asking out of courtesy or concern.

He sighs and runs a hand through his curls.

"Not good, I'm afraid."

"Well that's a shame" I say dryly.

"Believe me Katniss, the last thing I wanted was for either one of you two to be hurt. Yet here we are. I guess I can understand better now what it was like for you back when…" He doesn't finish the thought but the implication speaks for itself. "It's one huge mess and I haven't got the first idea how to fix it." His shoulders seem to slump. "Chances are we'll all end up miserable in the end."

"Because of me" I surmise dryly.

"No this is my fault" he says.

"Oh yeah?" I scoff.

He gives me a look that seems to be reaching into my heart, a look that captivates me in a way he used to be able to do so easily but now hasn't done in a long time.

"Listen to me, this is not because of you. I don't want you going around feeling responsible for my mistakes. This is a huge mess, a damn disaster, but you did not cause it nor is it your job to fix it. You weren't the one who proposed to Lace, that was me. You weren't the one who made the decision to call the wedding off just days before it was supposed to take place. That, again, was me."

"Because I told you how I feel about you."

"Strictly speaking it was Haymitch who told me. "

"Technicality."

"I guess you could have denied it but I don't think I could have if the roles were reversed. Regardless, it was my job to handle what I found out and decide what to do next. You have enough burdens to bear without adding my screw-ups and wrongful decisions and the things I did that hurt people. You're one of the people who got hurt the most. You were right that night when we had that talk. Because I feel this way about you, even though I'm not sure what it really is or what it amounts to or what it means, I was in no frame of mind or heart to be asking another woman to marry me."

"You love her" I murmur, busying myself with drawing circles in the grass with the toe of my boot.

"Yeah… and I also have strong feelings for you. That's the whole crux of the problem. I have no business being involved with either one of you as long as I still feel something for the other. By the time I've figured it out you may both have moved on and neither one of you wants me anymore but if that's the case it's no more than I deserve." He rests his elbows on his knees and makes a face. "I tried explaining it to Lace but unsurprisingly she thought I was full of shit. I did, after all, pretty much tell her she was the only one for me by proposing and then I go change the tune at the last minute…"

"God, she must really hate me" I say. "I'm a little surprised neither she nor any of her brothers has come knocking on my door since the wedding got cancelled."

"She doesn't know of your involvement."

I frown.

"What? How is that possible? Peeta what exactly did you tell her?"

"I told her… Well, I told her a lot of things. It was quite a… long conversation." He harks and focuses his eyes on the ground. His shoulders are tense and it seems to be difficult for him to talk about. "The gist… I told her that I had become more and more aware of my resurfacing feelings for you and that seeing you at the party made me realize that I do love you again. I told her that I couldn't go through with the wedding when I couldn't give my whole heart to her. I didn't say anything about you admitting to having feelings for me too. Your feelings aren't the issue, mine are. After all you kept your feelings to yourself until they were forced out into the light and I'm guessing you would have gone the rest of your life without letting me know you love me if I had gotten married. I don't know, she might still blame you, but I didn't want to give her any tangible reason to." He laughs unhappily. "Breaking the hearts of two women who love me within a few days is just… Especially when I never thought anyone would ever… But it had to be done. I can't be the kind of partner either one of you deserve until I get my head straight."

I swallow, trying my best to get rid of the lump in my throat.

"Look, I understand that you need some time to work through all of this but in the meantime I'm not going to leave you completely be" I say. "I made the mistake before of giving you all the space in the world and I won't do that now. This time I will fight for you until you expressively tell me not to." I walk closer to him, stopping just a foot away. "I love you. It's not going to stop. It's not going to go away. I will continue to remind you how I feel, unless you give me the only reason I should stop."

"It's not that simple" he says softly.

"It could be."

He lowers his head, his shoulders rising and falling in a heavy breath. My heart is pounding in my chest but I'm feeling a whole new kind of strength and even an odd excitement. I am going to fight for Peeta. Fight with everything I've got. It might be a challenge but I look forward to it.

"Katniss I have made so many mistakes over the past few years" he says, looking back up at me. "I don't want to keep making new ones." He looks out over the Victors' Village and draws a deep breath, letting it out in a huff. "It's like I've been caught in a dream for ages and now I'm waking up. I can't deny that I would like to stay in that dream because it is more peaceful and it doesn't hurt as much and I don't have to live with all the trauma and the horrors… Except it's not real. I realize I can't live in that dream. I wouldn't really be myself if I lived that way, comforting as it might be, and I need to find myself again and deal with everything that has happened to me."

"Who you were, who you are, is somebody who loves me" I remind him but to my surprise he looks annoyed.

"Katniss that can't be the be-all, end-all of me! I'm talking about finding my way back to who I was before they stuck a fork in my brain and scrambled it up. Yes I loved you but that wasn't all there was to me. It can't have been. I don't want to be defined solely by what I felt or feel for you, don't you get that?"

With a scowl I take a step away from him, feeling insulted by the tone of his voice.

"I could define you as being a coward now, if you'd rather prefer" I say icily.

"Do you want to be defined only by what you feel for me?" he counters. He looks away for a moment. "Anyway, I didn't come here to argue with you."

"You sure?" I reply dryly. "That seems to be what we spend most of our time doing nowadays. Arguing with one another."

He doesn't respond to my bating. There's a cooler, calmer demeanour about him that reminds me of the old Peeta but still frustrates me.

"I came here to tell you I'm leaving" he says after a minute.

My mouth feels dry as I cross my arms over my chest, keeping my face steely calm at his words.

"Running away?" I scoff.

"No" he says. "I'm going to the Capitol to undergo treatment. I've been contemplating it since the wedding was cancelled and I spoke with dr. Aurelius when I got home from seeing Lace today and we came to the conclusion that it's what I need to do. It's too much for me to deal with on my own, Katniss, and it's more than you or Haymitch can help me with. I've been talking it over with dr. Aurelius, quite extensively and we both agree that the best option is for me to go stay at his clinic for a while." He gives me a sad smile. "Look, I'm not fit to make any long time decisions at all right now. I almost got married for the wrong reasons and hurt Lace really badly, not to mention I've hurt you quite a lot too. I need to find myself again. I think I deserve the chance to do so."

"You deserve that… And what do I deserve? To be left behind again?"

"You deserve better than what you would be getting with me now. You and Lace both."

"Do you actually want to be with me?" I question. It's the core of the issue, really. I can wait if he needs time but if this is just an attempt to run away, to avoid having to face making a choice, then… I'm not so sure I can go through another long round of this insecurity game. No matter how determined I am to fight I still need to know there's something to fight for. "Because if you don't, if you want to be by yourself or even with Lace when all this has blown over, I'd rather you tell me."

"I can't give you the answer you're looking for" he says and my heart sinks to the soles of my shoes yet again. "Because I can't give you a definitive answer. That's… part of the point. Instinctively I want to choose you, it's something I've wanted for a very large portion of my life, but right now I don't trust my own brain or my own heart. I have to figure it all out and figure out what it is I truly feel for you. It's turned out to be too strong for me to ignore it and marry Lace but I wouldn't be fair to you if I promised you my love when I don't fully grasp what it is I'm feeling."

"A lot of fancy words for saying you don't want me" I challenge.

"I do want you but I also have feelings for Lace. I also don't know for sure what is real or not real when it comes to you and I and our feelings." He tilts his head and squints just a touch as he looks at me. "The thought of the chance of being with you was powerful enough that I walked away from my wedding… Now I need to figure out who I truly am and what being with you would mean for us. My heart wants to choose you but can I trust it? Will I still feel that way tomorrow? A week from today? A year?"

"How are you going to be able to figure out what either one of us wants with regards to the other if you're all the way out in the Capitol?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest and tapping my right foot against the grass in a nervous gesture.

"I don't' know."

"Why are you even suggesting that I would be your choice when in the next second you tell me you haven't got a clue if you will end up wanting me or not? So I will sit around and wait for you while you compare my virtues to Lace's?"

"All I'm saying is…" He hesitates for a second. "I won't blame you if you move on with your life. I don't even have a clue how long I will be gone. There's a part of my heart that still wants you but I understand that that is not enough for you to sit around and wait for me to make up my mind. I need some time away to find myself again and some distance from you and from Lace to be able to know which one of you I will go on loving and fall out of love with the other. I will not make the same mistakes all over again. I will not immerse myself in a relationship with somebody when there's another person in my heart. I hadn't begun to feel that way about you again when Lace and I first met and began seeing each other but when the feelings did appear I should have taken a step back and figured things out. I didn't and the end result was hurting her and you and myself."

"I will fight for you if you stay" I tell him. "I will support you as you try and find yourself and make it through this mess. What I won't do is put my life on hold for you while you're off deciding if I'm worth it or not."

"That's exactly what I'm trying to tell you" he says, rising slowly to his feet. "Don't wait for me. I guess I'm kind of thinking that if the woman I want when I come back home still wants me then it could be meant to be and there could be a solid future there and if she doesn't want me anymore then that's the price I pay for my mistakes." He gives me a sad look and walks up to me, placing a light kiss at the corner of my mouth and for a brief second pressing his cheek to mine. The sensation makes my skin burn in a way that I know will continue for hours after he's left. "You deserve a man who thinks only of you" he says. "All I can promise you is that I won't ask you for your heart until I can give you all of mine in return."

"How did we end up like this, Peeta?" I ask in a whisper, my eyes meeting his.

"I really don't know." Then there's a different light in his eyes. "But I do know that you're the strongest person I have ever known and you deserve better than what you've been getting or what I have to offer you right now."

"I know that" I say. "Which is why you are so damn frustrating." I'm not sure where the next confession comes from but it leaves my mouth all the same. "I really wish I hadn't fallen in love with you when all it seems to amount to is a world of pain. I hope you'll make it worth it in the end."

He looks down and turns his face away, dejected, and it's strange to know that in this moment I might be hurting him the way he's been hurting me over the past two years. It's not a good feeling. It's not a victory or a feeling of getting even. It's just sad.

He whispers a goodbye and shoves his hands in his pockets, beginning to walk towards his own house with his head still hanging dejectedly.

"For what it's worth, Peeta" I say, stopping him for a second. "Today I've seen more of the old you, the real you, than I have in a long time."

He seems to ponder that for a minute and then manages an unhappy smile.

"I'll see you when I get back, Katniss."

I hope that the chapter worked and that the amount of progress Peeta's made makes sense within the time-frame. I'm thinking he's been doing a hell of a lot of soul searching but still has a long ways to go, hence the trip to the Capitol.
Next chapter - fundraiser time!