Session 21: In Which Sun and Jin (Insert Korean Here)

It's a brand new day inside Jacob's cabin and Carletta is back in high spirits. Locke and Walt are engrossed in backgammon whilst everyone else resumes their seats for the session to begin.

Carletta: Hey, I'm back people! Sorry about before.

Sawyer: S'alright, Sassafras. We know how you women can get.

*All the women turn to glare at Sawyer except for Nikki who glares at Jack thinking he was the one who'd said the sexist comment.*

Carletta: Today we are concentrating on Jin and Sun. Now first question is…are you currently on Korean mode or English mode?

Sun and Jin: *in Korean* English mode.

Jack: Let's not focus on the foreigners! Come on, we've not talked about me in ages!

Boone: *does nothing but hero worship Jack* Yeah…let's. I gave you pens, man! We're, like, totally in sync! We're the new Chuckle brothers!

Carletta: Except Jack doesn't chuckle…ever. And who gave you the impression you were useful during the pilot? You plainly weren't. Now shush! The foreigners are speaking.

Sun: Oh so now our opinion matters? Throughout the show we've never been part of the A-Team and only have rare moments where we actually contribute to the plot of the show!

Jin: ….what she said.

Carletta: Ok, let's explore that. In the first season you were pretty much in the back seat what with Jin's dominating character. By the end of the first season, we did see a change in you.

Sawyer: Duh! We found out she could speak English. Who saw that coming?

Boone: Yeah…about that. I have a question.

Miles: Oh God…

Richard: The little one is speaking. This can't be good.

Boone: *ignoring them* My question is for Sun. These days you can speak English, right? And ages ago you couldn't speak English. So there must've been a moment where you not speaking English went away and you being able to speak English came along so what I want to know is…

*Everyone looks bored and slightly astonished by Boone's failed attempt at articulating a simple question.*

Boone: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Sun: Do you mean how did I learn to speak English?
Boone: …Yes.

Sun: *looks awkwardly around* I was planning to leave Jin to go to America. I had to learn English so I could fit in.

Kate: So you were going to run away from your problems too? So you admit running away is a good solution? YAY! *claps hands*

Sun: *firmly* I stayed though and I'm glad I did.

Kate: Damn. You're no help, Sun!

Jin: *in Korean* You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey!

*Charlotte and Sun turn to stare at him again. Sun rolls her eyes*

Ben: He just said something mean in Korean didn't he? Was it about me? Of course it was about me.

Sun: He didn't say anything mean. He was singing 'You are my Sunshine'. Will these jokes about my name never end?

Sayid: I wasn't aware the jokes had begun.

Jack: *sings* I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh! I'm walking on sunshine…

*Five seconds later and Jack has ended up facing the corner like a naughty schoolboy*

Jack: I'm sorry, Sun. Can I get out of the corner now?

Sun: No, Jack. You must stay in the corner until you've thought about what you've done!

Jack: But I've done so many things!

Sun: Exactly.

Jack: GOOD things!

Sun: I don't care.

Jack: I am your best chance at getting off the island and seeing Ji Yeon again!

Sun: Hello…I'm dead. It's funny but I'm Korean and yet you're the one who doesn't understand basic English half the time.

*Jack's lip wobbles*

Jin: Is he insulting my wife? Why is Sun yelling at Jack? I don't get it.

Sawyer: I wouldn't worry about it, Jin-bo. Everyone yells at Jack at some point during the day.

Jin: Jin-bo?

Sawyer: *sighs in annoyance* Do I have to explain nicknames to him now? I've already taught him the three things women need to hear, what more does he want?

Jin: A proper teacher?

*Miles and Richard snigger*

Richard: He has a point, James. You taught him the wrong phrases that a woman needs to hear anyway. Here's what I would've taught him: This is Richard Alpert's phone number; Richard Alpert really wants to make the babies with you; Richard Alpert is the most smashing looking man on the island. There! Those are the three things a woman needs to hear!

Charlie: *giggling* Cor, what a smashing looking bloke. If I were gay… *stops talking*

Sawyer: What do ya mean if? *smirks*

Charlie: *pouts* I've never seen this man before. I drowned before I got to meet any interesting characters.

Boone: Hey! Am I not interesting enough for you Charlie?

Charlie: No. You have a fetish for pens and hero worship Jack like he's God.

Carletta: *clears throat* Ok…Jin, you had quite a temper on you didn't you?

Jin: WHY YOU LITTLE - ! I mean…yes, yes I had. I'm working on it.

Carletta: Why the sudden change of character then? You could've been a really useful ally against the smoke monster and all of a sudden you've gone soft! I mean you tackling Michael was the best tackle I've ever seen!

*Jin blushes*

Jin: Thank you. Me and Michael have resolved our issues now.

Michael: LOOK AT MEEEEEE! I'M A WHISPER!

Sawyer: Whispers don't shout…moron.

*Michael walks in dressed as a Whisper bar*

Sawyer: I stand corrected. You've just taken stupidity to a new level, Mike.

Michael: Why, thank you. And I hope your huge ego gets deflated by a giant pin.

Carletta: I'm actually getting fed up with all you main characters. Let someone else put in their opinion for a change! Miles…what are your views on Sun?
Miles: It's a big, round thing in the sky. Oh and it's hot. *smirks*

*Jin rugby tackles Miles and starts senselessly beating him with his tie. Sun starts screaming in Korean, then in English, then in Korean.*

Carletta: *under her breath* Idiots.

Richard: It's not a very Korean name is it? Sun. Actually, it's a crap name in whatever language you translate it into.

Sun: I was nice to you! I'd been toying with the idea of hitting you with an oar and decided not to do it! Being immortal doesn't give you the right to be rude.

Rose: Thank you! Some decorum at last!

Bernard: I think being the oldest people here – Richard not included – we should give up trying to knock sense into these people. We'll just stay in the background and generally not do anything of any consequence.

Rose: Like usual then?

Bernard: Absolutely.

Carletta: Can I just ask Jin why you decided to stay with Sun and not get out and be a father to your daughter? I think a lot of people were angry that you died for nothing.

Jin: I love Sun. Live together, die alone, right?

Jack: YAY!

Sawyer: I wonder if every time we said the opposite to that a fairy that looked exactly like Jack would die. Let's try it – Live alone, die together!

Jack the fairy: NOOOOOOOO! *dies*

Jack: *stares* Cool. It's not cool you changed my saying.

Sawyer: It needed to be amped up a little bit – deal with it.

Carletta: He's got a point, Jack. Anyway…what was the deal with you hitting your head and losing the ability to speak English, Sun?

MIB: He, he. That was fun. Chasing women in the jungle is always so fun. I've actually YouTubed it.

Sun: Bastard. How dare you? I shall unleash hell upon you until you delete that from your account. What's your name on YouTube anyway? We can be buddies!

MIB: My name on YouTube is GetMeOffThisDamnIsland. You?

Sun: My name is EdwardsGal4EverandEver.

Jin: Pfft. Figures.

Ben: Mine is JulietnBen4Lyf.

Juliet: Cute, Ben. Real cute. *pretends to vomit*

Carletta: It doesn't matter what the hell your YouTube account names are! *sighs* Sun, Jin…what would you say your individual issues are? So far, I'm seeing a lack of them.

Sun: Well, Jin's got a bad temper and bad morning breath.

Jin: Sun bosses me around and hits me with an oar if I don't do what I'm told. Huh. It's a role reversal, almost. Except I was never a wife beater.

Carletta: You did some pretty bad things for Mr Paik though, didn't you? Why didn't you realise that your marriage was failing and pull out?

Jin: It wasn't that simple. Mr Paik is a mean man, even by Korean standards!

Mr Paik: Oi! I am right here you know! And that was very racist by the way. Thank you for opening the racist door for me. *to Desmond* HAGGIS! *to Charlie* YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM SUCKS! *to Claire* YOUR ACCENT IS ANNOYING!

Carletta: Do you have a racist door then?

Mr Paik: Oh yes. *grins* It's my new TV show. Hello, children. Shall we open the racist door? Oh look it's Ching Chong Chinaman!

Miles: I beg your pardon!

Mr Paik: I don't know you, so I don't care if I've offended you.

Sun: That's daddy. *sobs into hands*

Carletta: What a bully. I know in-laws are supposed to be bad, but this is just ridiculous. How did you survive growing up, Sun?

Sun: DROP DEAD FRED!

Mr Paik: Oh no…

Drop Dead Fred: WAYHEEEEEYYYYY!

Boone: Whoa…who is this guy?

*Drop Dead Fred randomly kicks over chairs, shaves Jack's facial hair (which grows back) and then exits*

Sun: He was my imaginary friend. That was how I survived so many years under this man's roof. Wouldn't you need an imaginary friend to survive?

Jack: If you want to talk about daddy issues…

Sun: *quickly* No, I don't. I had no daddy issues. I love my daddy. *smiles falsely*

Jack: Da-amn. I thought we could bond as well.

Sun: Nu-uh. We've really not been through enough to have a 'bonding session'. Plus your facial hair…it creeps me out.

*Jin laughs hysterically, only to be slapped on the back by Hurley. Due to the combined factors of Hurley's weight and Jin's slim figure, he goes skimming across the room and lands on Mr Paik's lap.*

Jin: Hello…daddy.

Mr Paik: Never. Call. Me. That.

Jin: *gulps* Ok, sir.

Carletta: As a side point, why are most of the dads on the show so mean and nasty?

Charles: Got me.

Mr Paik: Er…THAT'S RACIST!

Carletta: How?

Mr Paik: …I'm not sure. But I'm in this session and I'm having my say!

Carletta: Moving on…Jin, let's talk about your history.

Jin: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Sun: His mother was a prostitute. It's a shame that never came up again.

*Jin looks horrified at this fact and stares daggers at everyone who are snickering at that fact*

Boone: Can I just ask how Jin became so fluent in English? I missed all this because I was killed off.

Jack: You added no value to the show. You were marked for death.

Boone: No! That isn't true!

Shannon: Pffft. Get over it, Boone. I chipped a nail but do you hear me complaining?

Boone: Yes. You cried seven times and asked for the miniscule bit of nail to be buried next to you. *snickers*

Shannon: How dare you mock my naily? Sayid…torture him!

Sayid: Hm. I don't know…it's tempting but no! I shall take the moral high ground! Sorry, Shanny-poo.

Shannon: It's ok, Sayidy-widey. I forgive you.

Sawyer: *struggles to contain laughter* Too many jokes. Must. Mock. Shannon. And. Sayid. *wets himself laughing* …Oops.

Sun: At least we weren't that bad, right Jin?

Jin: Why did you cheat on me?
Sun: Oh don't bring this up again? You know why?

Claire: *gasps* How could you, Sun?

Sun: Oh stop pretending to be virtuous! You hang around with a gimp that gives imaginary presents and thinks he's cool because of it!

Claire: True.
Charlie: I DISPUTE THAT!

Sun: Shush, you lest I beat you to death and drag you through the jungle.

*Charlie turns pale and quivers with fright*

Sun: I thought that would shut you up.

Ben: I love you.

Sun: What?

Ben: Nothing…Just seeing you so powerful is kinda sexy. Why'd ya think I liked Juliet? Her looks? *snickers*

*Juliet lashes out and hits Ben so hard that he falls off his chair and is instantly knocked out.*

Juliet fans: WOOOO! Finally!

Sun: Thank you, Juliet.

Juliet: No problem. Us girls need to stick together.

Jack: How did you manage to knock him out like that?

Sun: I don't know, Jack. How did we survive a plane crash with nothing broken? How did Shannon and Boone last as long as they did? How did I survive pretending to be a poor, defenceless, foreign woman with an overly aggressive woman? GIRL POWER!

Jack: That makes no…

Sun: *screaming* GIRL POWER!

*Jack is blown backwards by the sheer volume of Sun's voice*

Carletta: I think I should intervene now, before anybody else gets blown away. Jin...let's hear your side of things.

Jin: *speaks excitedly in Korean*

Sawyer: What's he saying?

Sun: I'm not sure…It's not exactly all Korean. Some of it is Chinese, for some reason. Great. He grumbles about me learning English and then he learns it AND learns Chinese too! Stupid, sexy, non-vampire husband!
Jin: I was just saying that I don't have any issues. Not anymore. Although I do think Sun needs to let go of this 'Twilight' thing.

Sun: WHAT? Are you kidding me? I put up with your crap and you can't let me have one little obsession? WHYYYYY?

Jin: It's not healthy.

Boone: It's true. Go for Vampire Diaries instead. It's much better.

*Shannon thwacks Boone with her nail filer and he crumbles*

Shannon: God, all these men are such babies!

Juliet, Sun: Hear, hear!

Carletta: Granted, that's true but it's an irrelevant argument. Jin, take it from me you have much worse things to worry about than Sun liking a fictional vampire. Sun, you need to control your obsession. It's ruining your marriage and you also kinda need a hair style change.

Sun: Why?
Carletta: I dunno. I just think you should, I dunno, plait it or something.

Locke: I'LL DO IT! *runs and trips over the backgammon set* I hurt myself. I think I broke my legs…again.

Jack: Of course you did. You're clumsier than Charlie!

Charlie: YEAH! You're clumsier than me…oi!

Sun: This stuff wouldn't happen if Edward Cullen had been on our plane! He would've kicked the side of the plane and I would've been saved! *sighs dreamily*

Sayid: Yes, because that's what we needed on a long haul flight from Sydney to Los Angeles…a bloodthirsty vampire. There would've been no survivors at all!

*Sun glares at Sayid and raises the oar she carries at all times threateningly*

Jack: Jeesh, what is with you, Sun? It's like you're on your…

THWACK! KABOOM! POW! BOOM! THWICKY TWHACK! CRUNCH!

*Jack is dead*

Kate: OH NOES! Jack? JACK! I need you! 1...2…4…5! OH NOES! THE COUNTING THING DIDN'T WORK! How can counting up to five fail as a plan?

*Sobs against Sawyer's shoulder. Juliet glares daggers.*

Charlie: You missed out three, love.

Carletta: Ok, calm down. We can fix Jack…We need a plan!

Jin: Grind his bones to make our bread. Oh wait…that's the end of a different plan.

Sun: We need a way of undoing time! Oh wait…this was all my fault. I don't need to be a part of this. HA!

Richard: TA-DA! I can fix this! *flashes at grin at Claire, who swoons* My FIRST and ONLY grey hair can save the day. We just have to place it on his cheek and that should do the trick.

Sayid: WHAT? How does that work? How does a hair save his life? Why can't we try CPR?
Richard: You buy all the other crap Lost throws at us! Did you complain when they said a computer had the ability to end the world? NO! Did you complain when they said a bomb could turn back time just by destroying energy? NO! SO. JUST. BE. QUIET. AND. LET. DADDY. RICHARD. FIX. THIS. HIS. WAY!

Charlie: *very, very quietly* Lol.

*Richard plucks out his grey hair and rests it on Jack's cheek. Everyone waits and then…joy oh joy…Jack wakes up.*

Jack: Ew. Someone's manky hair is on my cheek.

Richard: No need to thank me, Jack…

Jack: I SAVED MYSELF!

Richard: You're welcome…wait. What?

Jack: I am the next Jesus Christ.

*Carletta groans and rubs her head in annoyance*

Kate: YAYS! *claps hand* Jack is alive!

*They proceed to make out, much to everyone's disgust*

Charlie: Is 'yays' even a word?

Locke: Intelligence isn't your strong suit, is it son?

*Charlie contemplates that for a while*

Carletta: *hurriedly* Let's get back to Sun and Jin here. Rewinding back, Jin how did it make you feel when you found out Sun had cheated on you?

Jin: Um…unhappy, angry, and betrayed?

Carletta: Why are you asking me how you felt? I don't know what it's like to be you.

*She has a flash whatever*

Carletta: OOH LET'S GO FISHING!

*She jumps into ocean and starts beating up the fish*

Carletta: SUN! SUN! Nah, can't be bothered with her. I'll just go stare at the fish. I have an inane desire to become one of them…a fish person.

*Flashes back to the present*

Carletta: Um…that was disturbing to say the least. What's a flash whatever anyway?

Locke: It's a flash that goes in no particular direction. I would know because I had one when I was thinking about trees and how I'd like to be one.

Jack: *under his breath* I wish you were a tree.

Locke: And we're back to the cruel mocking.

Kate: Can we get back to making out now, Jackie?

Jack: YEP! I love it when we make out in the middle of dire emergencies!

*They make out again*

Ben: Y-U-C-K! It's so great I don't love anyone because love is for girls and girls are dis-gus-ting!

*Gazes lovingly at Juliet*

Juliet: Ugh. When did you wake up?

Ben: No idea…but I had this smashing dream about ponies…

Carletta: Ugh. I don't think I want to know about it. Why can't someone talk about something intellectual for a change? Like…time travel.

Daniel: He said I've been to the year 3000. Not much has changed but we live underwater.

*Everyone turns to stare at Daniel.*

Sawyer: I'll take this one. Busted…really?

Daniel: Abba, really?

*Sawyer and Daniel are locked in a death stare battle, until Sawyer is the one to back down, causing Kate to giggle uncontrollably whilst making out with Jack at the same time. It's a strange world…*

Ben: He's got you there, James.

Sawyer: So? I don't care what y'all think of me. Apart from you, Blondie.
Juliet: *smiles* Aw, thanks James. Wanna make out?

Sawyer: This ain't anything to do with the fact the doc and Freckles are making out is it? Half the kisses on this stupid show stem from these stupid jealous rages you girls fly into.

Carletta: That…is a good point actually.

Sun: Are me and Jin being ignored now? Is that our session over, what little there was of it?

Carletta: You didn't offer much in the show, you're not offering much now! You're lucky you two are cute as a couple, else I would've lost interest in you a long time…

THWACK! KERPLUNK! SNORT! SCREAM! KERPOW!

*Carletta is rendered unconscious*

A/n: Thank you so much! Your reviews are so touching and wonderful. I can't believe you love this as much as I do! I love you guys and gals so much! I'm leaning across your screens and giving you all a big hug. Lol.

Btw, big thank you to Unidentified Pineapples who nominated this story for the Quality Fanfiction Awards. Thank you so much! Next chapter steers away from the character's issues for the moment but we shall return!

Next session: In Which Plot Holes Devour Lost