Chapter Twenty-One – Recovery

When Tonks woke up again, she was in the small bedroom alone. Some of what she and Snape spoke about came back to her. This was his home. She had no idea that he owned property. Tonks looked around the room. Briefly, she wondered if this might have been his room as a child. It certainly didn't have the feel of an adult's bedroom.

Bookcases filled one entire wall of the room. There was a large desk in one corner with all sorts of papers and rolls of parchment strewed across it. The twin sized bed she was lying on was underneath the only window, which was shuttered, doing its best to keep out all light. A small fireplace was in the corner.

She sat up gingerly, and listened to her body. Tonks felt much better than she did the last time she was awake. Looking down, she saw that she was still wearing the nightshirt. Curious, Tonks lifted the collar to her nose and took a deep breath. It smelled like Snape. An odd mixture of potion ingredients and smoke, which she assumed would be from cauldron fires. She had never seen him smoke a cigarette or pipe before.

As if he knew she was thinking of him, Snape quietly came into the room. 'How are you?' he asked briskly. He was still wearing muggle clothes, a pair of black slacks and a dark grey polo shirt.

'Why in the world are you in muggle clothes?' asked Tonks before she could stop herself.

Snape took a phial from his pocket. 'Drink this,' he said, handing it to her.

'Then you'll tell me what happened?' asked Tonks hopefully.

'And then we'll go to your flat and we'll discuss what happened,' said Snape seriously.

'Bottoms up,' said Tonks tiredly, draining the phial of the deep purple liquid. It had quite a pleasant taste.

'That will help with the pain from the Cruciatus Curse. You'll be light headed and giddy in a bit,' said Snape. 'We have to figure out how to get you out of here. Do you feel up to apparating?'

'Please, no,' said Tonks, her body tensing at the thought.

'Floo powder's out of the question?'

'Fire,' said Tonks, shaking her head. 'I never floo. Too much of a risk.'

'You can't leave this room, Nymphadora. My houseguest reports all of my movements and conversations within this house to the Dark Lord. It can't be known that I brought someone here,' said Snape seriously.

'Couldn't you just tell them I'm a one night stand or something?' asked Tonks hopefully.

'Can you morph your face?' asked Snape dismissively.

Tonks concentrated, and immediately knew there would be no morphing today. 'I can't,' she said simply.

'Your hair might be a different color, but you have the face of a Black, Nymphadora,' said Snape. 'You'll be recognized.'

'Then you'll have to keep me here until I can apparate safely,' said Tonks frustratedly.

Snape looked at her like that was the most asinine suggestion that he had ever heard in his life. 'Get up. We're going to apparate.'

Tonks didn't want to seem any weaker than she already had in front of Snape. He took her hands and helped her out of bed. As he put his hand on her forearm, Tonks braced herself.

A moment later, Tonks felt the overwhelming sensation of apparition take over. The second they appeared in her flat, Tonks fell to the floor even before Snape could catch her. He picked her up gently and carried her to her bed.

'Do you want your own nightclothes?' asked Snape, sitting down on the bed besides her.

'This is fine,' sighed Tonks. She didn't think it was possible for her body to be any more sore than it was. 'Now tell me how after all of our planning, did we end up at your home?'

He pushed back the covers, and helped Tonks get into a sitting position, with her pillows behind her. Snape then covered her with her quilt.

A dark scowl crossed Snape's face. 'The damn muggle enforcers.'

'The police?' asked Tonks in surprise.

Snape nodded. 'Goyle's silencing charm on the house didn't work. I gave him one bloody job...From what I can figure out, a neighbor must have called the muggle enforcers with a noise complaint. We were gone by then and they saw you.'

Tonks' eyes went wide. 'And they thought I was dead.'

'Exactly. They took your body,' said Snape, standing up and leaning against the wall. Tonks looked at him. Muggle clothes did not fit him well at all. They simply didn't lay right on his thin frame. 'Imagine my surprise three hours later when I went to collect you and finding the whole place surrounded.'

'Where was I?' asked Tonks. She felt a small grin on her face. This was quite a good story, actually. She leaned back against the bed frame to listen to the tale.

'I asked a number of questions to the muggle enforcers, and unfortunately had to use the Imperius curse to get some answers…'

'Where was I?' asked Tonks again, more eagerly this time.

'Your potion's kicking in,' said Snape with a hint of a smile. 'You are not healed, you're only pain free, so don't hurt yourself.'

'Tell me where I was!' demanded Tonks. She started to pound her fists on her bed, but Snape sat next to her and placed his hands around her curled fists. Tonks laughed, she knew she was acting like a child, but couldn't help it. Bloody potion.

'Say please, Nymphadora,' said Snape with an odd gleam in his eye she didn't quite like.

Tonks rolled back her head against the pillows and muttered, 'Please.'

'As you wish.' Snape seemed to take pleasure in keeping her in suspense. 'You had already been taken to a muggle morgue.'

'No,' said Tonks, laughing a bit. 'Was I in a body bag?' Tonks had seen enough police television shows and movies with her muggle-born father to have some understanding of the procedures.

Snape pulled up her armchair. Tonks wasn't mistaken. He was clearly enjoying her undivided attention. 'That, I don't know. I quickly transfigured my robes into the clothes you see now and went to the morgue. There I was able to convince the workers that I was Emmeline Vance's husband and that for muggle religious reasons, there could be no autopsy and that I needed to bury her within twenty-four hours.'

'I wish I could have seen that,' said Tonks, with a grin on her face. 'And they bought it?'

'You're in front of me, now, are you not?' asked Snape. 'The real problem came afterwards. You must have some sort of ward on your flat that only lets someone apparate in with you when you're in your natural state. I tried to apparate us a number of times and it didn't work.'

'My face has to be natural,' said Tonks, turning red. She had forgotten about that ward. It was a very tricky ward that she had invented herself. 'Why didn't you wake me so I could morph back?'

'I was in the middle of London and you were supposed to be a dead body,' said Snape as if it was obvious. 'I couldn't take you to Headquarters, so I brought you to my home.'

'Must have been a fun night,' laughed Tonks. Her sides hurt a bit, but it was worth it.

'It served its purpose,' said Snape, standing up and looking out the window. 'Emmeline is probably on the beaches of Morocco by now.'

Tonks might have imagined it, but there was a hint of wistfulness in his voice. 'You weren't killed and I have a broken rib, a bad shoulder and a Crucio hangover. Seems like a fair trade to me,' said Tonks, trying to sound cheerful.

'I have to leave now,' said Snape suddenly. He took out a small tube of lotion from his pocket. 'When I undressed you, I saw that you also have some nasty welts on your torso from the stinging hex. Which, might I remind you, you said you could fight. This will heal them.'

'If it had been just you, I could have,' said Tonks defiantly. 'Not all three of you at once.'

'Of course,' he said like he didn't believe her one bit. 'Do you want me to stop by tonight to check on you?'

Tonks was about to say yes when she suddenly remembered the Order meeting last night. Was it only last night? Felt like it had been ages ago. It had slipped from her mind entirely. Her mouth went dry when she thought of Remus and what he agreed to do…

'No, I'll be fine.'

Snape nodded and then with a loud crack, disappeared.

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That night, she waited in her bed anxiously for Remus to call. The pain reliever potion Snape had given her had begun to wear off, and Tonks' entire body, especially her ribs, was in a fair amount of pain.

Exactly at ten o'clock, like they agreed, he apparated into her flat. 'Did you hear the news?' he asked softly.

Tonks nodded, feigning sadness over Emmeline's death. Remus started pacing her bedroom floor. He looked nervous. Their eyes met, and Tonks knew that something was wrong.

'What is it, Remus?' asked Tonks, trying to sit up a little straighter.

'Have you been hurt?' asked Remus, sitting down besides her.

Tonks gave a non-committal shrug. 'Patrol got a bit out of hand,' she lied. Too easily for her taste. It shouldn't be easy to lie to Remus. But she had done so much of it lately in order to keep the mission secret.

'I'm sure you have questions…' Remus trailed off.

And suddenly Tonks was angry. All her frustration from the mission the night before came bubbling to the surface. 'Yeah, I do,' said Tonks quickly. Remus looked at her in surprise. 'Why couldn't you have told me before the meeting? Why didn't you tell me?'

'There wasn't time…' Remus trailed off.

'Bollocks,' snapped Tonks.

Remus jumped up. There was a shift in him, an energy that hadn't been there before. 'Do you have any idea what I've agreed to do, Clumsy?' asked Remus. 'I apologize that in the time that I was accepting that I'm going to have to live like a bloody animal from now on, that I forgot to tell you about it.'

Tonks was immediately contrite. She had never seen him have an outburst like that before. 'I'm sorry,' she said meekly. 'It was just a shock you see, hearing about it at the meeting…'

She held out her hand, wanting to feel his warmth around her. But he started pacing the floor again. 'I made a decision, Clumsy,' he said, taking a deep breath. 'We can't be together any more.'

All of the injuries Tonks suffered last night were nothing compared to how she felt at this moment. 'Why?' she asked simply, trying to sit up straight, but her body rebelled. 'Because of this mission?'

Remus nodded. He seemed to soften a bit. 'I'm only going to be able to leave the pack for a day or two every month to give a report. I don't know how long the assignment will last. I can't ask you to wait for me.'

'I don't mind waiting,' said Tonks quickly. 'Remus, you're worth waiting for.'

His hands went into fists. All of the anger was not gone apparently. 'I don't want you to wait,' said Remus plainly. 'Because we should have never started this in the first place.'

'How can you look at me and say that?' asked Tonks weakly. 'You're the one who started it. I told you how I felt and you did nothing. I would have kept on just being your friend, Remus. But then you kissed me.'

Remus sat down in the armchair and buried his head in his hands. 'I wanted to get Sirius off my back.'

Tonks stayed very still. He couldn't have meant what he just said. He simply couldn't. 'Did you care for me at all?' asked Tonks meekly.

She stared ahead while he sat besides her again on the bed. He took her hands. 'I do care for you. Very much. Clumsy, I'm sure that if we had all the time in the world, that I could fall in love with you. I'm absolutely sure of it. But we don't.'

'We could,' said Tonks, breathing properly for the first time since he said the words breaking her heart. He said he could love her. She would hold onto that. 'Remus, I will wait. We can end it now. Fine. But I'll be there when it's over. Then we can have all the time we need.'

'No,' said Remus determinedly. 'We can't. I've been fooling myself into thinking that we work together. You deserve so much more than me, Clumsy.'

'Let me decide what I deserve,' said Tonks, taking a breath that sent a shooting pain down her chest. 'I deserve to be with someone I love.'

'You deserve someone your own age, who doesn't have to go into debt to take you out and isn't classified as a dangerous creature,' said Remus firmly. Tonks didn't like the set look in his eyes at all.

'I don't want any of that,' cried Tonks. Her whole body was in pain again. 'I just want you.'

'Clumsy…'

'Remus, I love you,' said Tonks quickly. 'What we have is good, it could be great. If I'm willing to wait, why throw that away?'

Remus looked at her and stood up. The exasperation was back. 'You don't have any clue, do you?'

Tonks felt like she had been punched in the stomach. 'I just…I just meant…'

'If I'm going to survive this, for once in my life I have to be selfish,' said Remus angrily. 'I have to put myself first. I can't be thinking about a witch who is moping around pining over me or I could get myself killed.'

His fury was provoking Tonks' own anger. 'I won't be moping,' challenged Tonks. 'I'll be too busy with work and the Order. But I will wait for you to come back.'

Remus let out a bitter laugh. 'Not moping? Look at you! You haven't even been able to morph properly because you've been so depressed over everything since Sirius died.' Remus shook his head sadly. 'Forget me, Clumsy. Get on with your life.'

Tonks looked away. What he was asking was impossible, almost laughable, even. How could she get on with her life when he was her life? If this was how it was truly going to end, she wished nothing more than to be able to forget him and all the hurt he caused. But she knew that she would not, could not.

His arms slipped around her waist as he sat next to her again. She tried not to wince in pain. 'Please,' he whispered in her ear. 'Please, Clumsy. It would be so much easier for me if I knew that you were happy and with someone who could give you everything you deserve.'

She stayed silent. Nothing that she could possibly say would make him change his mind right now. If she tried again, he might get angry again. Her body instinctively relaxed against his.

'Please,' whispered Remus again.

Tonks closed her eyes. 'I'll try.'

Lying to Remus had become easy.