Story: Hope of Morning, Chapter 20
Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara!/DRRR!
About the authors notes: I'll have replies for you all in the next chapter; I promise.
Personal Headcanon:
I think Izaya is a bit of a habitual liar, so even if he gained trust in someone if some people finally started to care, he would likely still once in a while slip and lie without even really thinking about it, if that makes any sense.
Note to Motorola: SCREW YOU AND YOUR CRAPPY-ASS PHONES. AFTER WRITING NEARLY HALF WAY INTO MY CHAPTER, YOUR SHIT 'PRODUCT' DECIDED FOR SOME STUPID REASON, "Oh, this file shouldn't exist, so let's just make it not." You didn't even delete it. You're phone just suddenly said, "This File Does Not Exist."
Screw You. And your worthless and logicless pieces of crap, too.
Thank you.
I apologize for that rant, guys, but, if you must know, that's one of the reasons it took so long to upload this chapter. After that happened, I lost a lot of motivation and seriously needed some time to just calm down.
Plus, a lot of other things have been dragging me down as well, not to mention.
I am truly sorry. T^T
"He may seem cold-blooded, but he's more human, and his heart more brittle, than anybody else, so much so that, if you filled it with human love or betrayal, it would break easily, which is why, I think, he chose, from the start, to avoid it all, to love humanity, you understand? Not to accept, not to face it. To avoid it."
...
"Shizuo-san... Iza-nii..."
"Kuru-nee and I am curious why you both hate each other so much. Shizuo-san, you said that you were definitely going to be the one to kill Iza-nii, right? Sounds to me like you have a personal grudge against our brother. And, Iza-nii, we do know you enough to know that there has always been a reason behind everything you've done, whether it made sense to the people around you or not. Just like with your fear of the afterlife, you always do wierd things like that out of some sort of fear, am I right?"
"Was Iza-nii jealous of Shizuo-san...?"
Izaya was now beside himself, but was obviously hiding it well. He simply smiled shakily.
"Jealous? Mairu, Kururi, when have you ever known your brother to show jealousy over anything?" Izaya inquired for 'proof' that he had ever been 'envious' over anyone.
Mairu seemed both unamused and rather much up to the challenge to prove him wrong.
"When Shinra-san got stabbed back in Raijin, he said that you had taken the blame because you were likely jealous that he was able to take a knife wound to impress Celty-san, someone he loved." She pointed out, catching both Shizuo and Izaya's attention.
"Wait, what-?" Izaya tried to say, not remembering such a thing at all happening.
"You're also jealous for all of us, of 'normal' kids that actually had a chance to spend time with their parents, aren't you?"
"Should I remind you that that is differe-" Izaya began to protest, but was once again cut off; this time it was by Kururi.
"Iza-nii, you're jealous that Shizuo-san was able to make friends even though he constantly tries to push them away, and you can't because you don't how to make them."
"I-" Izaya couldn't even begin to protest this one, because he knew she was right.
On the other hand even Mairu seemed to be taken aback at how well Kururi knew their brother. Normally they were both equally well at this kind of thing, but he assumed it was likely because of the role Kururi and Mairu had decided to live by by the flip of a coin when they were younger. Staying quiet and observing from the sidelines definitely had advantages in getting to know someone, especially in cases like this, and that much was for sure.
He honestly didn't know what to say, because none of them in there could possible deny what she had said, him included.
Shizuo sneered. "You're saying that's why you... You did all of that shit to me, because you were just jealous?" It was obvious Shizuo was angered by hearing this, but was trying to keep calm, despite how damn childish his reasoning sounded.
"No, of course not. I wouldn't want to make bonds with you or anyone, Shizuo. Every person I've met up until now... I decided from the get-go on the impact that they would have on my life. What do you do if you don't want something to control you? You control it, instead. That's how I deal with my problems. How is what you do any better, Shizuo-kun? At least I don't actually hurt the people around me. To be honest, I actually hate and love humanity, but I exclude myself because I'm jealous that I can't share a lot of emotions of which they all seem to have. Where as you, yourself, seem to have a weak mind, but strong heart, I'm the exact opposite of you as I have a strong mind, but weak heart.
That is precisely why I find it so fun to mess with people, because I know exactly how they work. I know what it takes to break them, and how easy it is to push them to make either the 'right' or 'wrong' choice. They will eventually do both under the right amount of desperation, after all. You may inquire as to why I became this way, but I assure you it's not because I wanted to. I'm just a person who happened to have been abused and has way too much time on his hands, along with my atheism. Beside of that, where's the 'fun' in focusing on myself, and my own emotions, when I could be focusing on the emotions and actions of the many lives around me? At least I'm not self centered.
Ah... there's also this; if those people allow themselves to be influenced by such trivial matters, and would go to someone like me to stalk their wife because he believes she's cheating on him, then that person obviously has no faith in their wife, and they're also too cowardly to ask her if she really is. Or people joining suicide pacts; those people are either subconsciously hoping to find someone just like themselves, or maybe they don't actually want to feel as bad as they are, and are just, down deep, hoping for someone to give them advice on why to continue living, and things like that.
In other words, they don't actually 'want' to die, nor are they thinking about dying, because, if they really wanted to die, they wouldn't care to die with someone. Actually, it's the exact opposite. There are so many ways to die, like biting your tongue and dying from the shock. Or perhaps there are ways you could cut yourself too deep, such as from the elbow down, and just bleed out. You could hang yourself, or stab yourself in the heart, or simply smoke your life away. Plus, you could also just go overdose on heroin and see how far that gets you. In the end, it doesn't matter who you are; or who you die with, or how you did, and certainly not if you die alone. We all will die, whether we want to or not, so why try to prevent it if people say they want it?
Even people coming and asking someone like me, of all people, for advice, they are simply going to get the brutal honestly of things, yet, to be honest, humans only hear what they want to hear. People may have called me many names before; insane, bastard, son-of-a-bitch, know-it-all, freak, and many more included, and you can now call me anything you want to call me for feeling this way, Shizuo, because I really don't care." Izaya looking over to study the expressions on the faces of the few customers around them, seemingly satisfied with his long speech, despite the silence he was receiving in return.
Shizuo had now concluded that maybe Izaya was not as dangerous as both he and other people had made him out to be, but, more or less, rather simply unstable.
Still, that didn't stop the brief thought from entering his mind. People didn't get into those kind of rants for nothing, so was there a possibilty that Izaya had...? No, Izaya surely wouldn't ever do or think something like that. But-
"Iza-nii, you're insane..." Kururi finally said, breaking the silence.
"You flatter me." Izaya replied simply, now meeting both Shizuo's and his sister's troubled gazes.
"But, Iza-nii..., thanks for letting us know you a little bit more..." Mairu looked away, seemingly a bit awkward. He was pretty sure that was the first time he'd ever seen Mairu get shy at the slightest over much of anything.
Snap.
A flash of rememberence and what seemed to be slight fear briefly flashed in Izaya's eyes, before he looked down in front of him to see that the knife had just pierced the surface of the table he was sitting at. He looked up to then see the manager of Russia Sushi, Dennis, standing there.
"Dennis-san, I believe your knife slipped. You could have killed me, ne?" Izaya chimed, oh so innocently.
"Quit talking all that crap over here, you all. You're scaring our customers."
"Oh, that would be my fault. My sincerest apologies. It won't happen again, ne?" He said, smiling warmly to Dennis.
"It'd better not." Dennis told him, finally picking up the knife, before they were finally delivered their food.
Minutes passed by and everything around him was suddenly practically trying to trigger him since thing with the butcher knife. He'd always had those temptations, but they had just been worse, everytime he saw metal cutler. It really was such a frustrating urge, it was, because it would destract him, but he was fully aware of the many problems that had caused him, and really needed not to go that route again, despite how frustrated he may get.
Nonetheless, the butcher knife that was now being slammed down onto the cutting board, the smaller knives and even forks both his sisters and Shizuo had been given, as well as the switchblade that was merely resting in his pocket. All of it was seriously triggering as of late. As a matter of fact, anything relatively sharp was.
It was probably partially due to the major anxiety he was dealing with right now, but he hadn't been able to bring himself to eat even a single piece of Ootoro, because the thought alone just made him sick. To make matters worse, the fact that Shizuo had kept glancing at him(as if he was ploting something) wasn't helping his mental state at all.
Even his sisters seemed to be worried in their own way about him, but, why? While he could 'morally' understand it, he could not actually grasp it in the slightest.
Despite the situation at hand, his mind was going in several different directions, and several questions came to mind.
Again, what did the twins actually know about his absence?
What all did they not know?
Did he want them to know much of anything about what all had happened?
If so, what did he want them to know?
And what if they, by any chance, knew everything but what he wanted them to know?
He had obviously miscalculated his steps if they did know much of anything.
Steps? Wait, there was no way to know what all Shinra had told anybody without even asking him, was there?
But, then again... What if he found out that they and-backslash-or Shizuo knew everything that had happened? Surely, neither he nor them would ever be able to feel the same about about himself again.
Was that 'really' a bad thing? Why, yes, it very much was. He'd likely (eventually) be able to deal with it if it were just his sisters and Shinra (hell, even Celty), but Shizuo? He didn't like the thought of it at all, to be honest.
Even after all they had said and done in the past few days, vaguely painful thoughts were suddenly coming to mind, like 'Did the twins actually hate him, but were just being responsible for once in place of him?'.
"At annoying times like this, I can't help but wonder why I even 'care' about all these trivial things, or when I even started doing so... I realized so long ago that this is one thing I both love and hate about humanity, especially mine... Well now, there I go thinking about such trivial things, again."
He swore... he really needed to get a life beyond this mental torture.
Oh, but that was made it so fun...!
Normally, considering his rather unhealthy obssesion with humanity, he would find this situation to be a least a little intriguing, because he 'thought' they 'thought' they actually knew something worth while about him, but the difference was, this time, he wasn't all that sure that they didn't know something he didn't want them to know about him, and he suddenly couldn't find this at all humorous.
He didn't really like people focusing on him that much, anyway, but this was just...
Why was it so bothersome to him, when, normally, he might just laugh it off? As opposed to before, Shizuo and they actually knew things he had tried to keep them from knowing.
At the very moment he had heard that his twins were going to be born, the same as when he'd met Shinra and likely Shizuo, he had immediately decided the role they would have in his life; a nonexistent one. They were all to just be pawns in his game.
But now look at him. He was fully aware of his hypocrisy for it, but, in reality, the reason he had done that was because he was afraid. Yes, imagine that; Orihara Izaya, the great know-it-all informant had been playing with people's emotions because, one, he just knew how each and everyone one of them worked and how easy they could all be broken, and, two, (and more importantly,)because he was just as human as they were, and was honestly afraid of the impact they could have possibly had on his life.
He was a horrible person and he had accepted that.
"So, 'Shizu-chan'," he remembered the nickname that had been mentioned by Mairu beforehand, and got the exact reaction he had hoped for. When Shizuo stiffened, suddenly choking a bit on his crab, he smiled and was satisfied already, at least a bit. "I was wondering why you hate me so much. There's a chance that there's more to why I hate you, but I might one day feel compelled to tell you more if you tell me your feelings about me."
Shizuo took a sip from a glass of water that had been handed to him a short while ago, swallowing his food down, before meeting his gaze.
"You're a fleablag, but you know what? I just realized something." He said.
Izaya cocked an eyebrow, interested. "Oh? What might that be?"
"I actually don't hate you nearly as much as I thought I did. Yeah, you do piss me off at times, but you're actually not that bad of a guy, compared to some people out there. On the other hand, I'm not saying I like you that much other. From the day we met, you were constantly trying to prevoke me, and it honestly pissed me off more than you'd ever know, but I think I can realize why you did that. You did it because I have a stronger heart than a lot of other people, therefore I'd probably be one of the first people to actually try to reach you if I actually knew how much you were hurting. You automatically knew that and decided, because of the fact you couldn't control me or influence me like you could everyone else, that I wasn't human by your standards, so you also decided to push me away, and turned me against you more than anyone else, as well, am I right? Yet, at the same time, you were jealous because even though I've often done the same thing, I've still made friends, where as you yourself couldn't, yeah? I'm not using my brain, by the way. It's just something I feel and somehow have came to understand in these past few days."
Izaya studied him, smiling bitterly, before simply turning away, before smacking his lips. "Honestly... One minute, you're as dumb as an ox, Shizu-chan, the next, you're as sharp as a whip. That's one reason I truly hate every single thing about you, Heiwajima Shizuo..."
He could actually almost remember a few things, and bitterness, only grew.
Shizuo 'tch'd. "I know."
...
More moments had passed.
"Iza-nii... eat?"
"Iza-nii, I thought you really liked ootoro?"
Izaya looked down at Kururi and Mairu to see that they were studying him with worried expressions. He smiled.
"Don't worry, my sisters. I happened to eat earlier. I-" he had sounded so calm and convincing that even Shizuo seemed to believe him at first, and, if Kururi and Mairu hadn't spent the night at Shinra's as well, they would have mostly assuredly believed him as well.
"That's a lie, Iza-ni!" Izaya and Shizuo almost jumped, startled, when Mairu shouted so loudly, and even the manager glanced at them for a moment before turning back to cutting the catfish in front of him.
"Mai-nee, don't be so loud." Kururi told her, pulling her back into her seat.
"Ah-" Izaya started to say, but was cut off again.
"We were at Shinra's too, or did you forget? You didn't eat anything!" Mairu had quieted down a bit, but her tone wasn't any less sharp.
It was only then that Izaya realized how bad of a liar he had become and also how often he actually did it. How was that even possible?
Oh... right. He was a human, and humans compulsively lie sometimes. Great, another flaw he'd have to work on.
"Flea, I really don't like seeing girls hurt, so why are you really not eating your food?"
"I..." Izaya, in all honesty, really didn't want to answer to Shizuo, of all people, but they were all staring at him, expecting an answer, and, because of the hurt expressions on Kururi's and Mairu's face, he suddenly felt compelled to answer.
"I'm really not hungry, Kururi, Mairu. Gomen." Izaya then looked over glaring at Shizuo, as if saying, "You have a problem with that?"
But Shizuo did nothing and instead seemed satisfied.
"You really do need to eat something, either way."
"I'm not stupid, Shizu-chan. I'll eat when I feel like it."
"Yeah, and that's why you're literally skin and bones, Izaya. Even Shinra and I can tell shit like that."
"For you information, I'm not skin and bones. I just simply am refusing much calorie intake, especially fatty foods."
"And how is going without much food all day any better?"
"I-" As he opened his mouth to say something, Kururi had shoved a piece of Ootoro in his mouth.
"Eat..., Iza-nii..."
"Kururi! Stop that...!" Despite his protests of irritation he did swallow it, but didn't open his mouth again. Shizuo immediately burst out laughing when she did that, yet Izaya only seemed to glare, for a long time, before he then got down and simply grumbled something.
"Did you say something, Iza-nii?" Mairu asked.
"Who? Me? Iie... Well, you three go ahead and allow yourselves to have fun without me, ne?"
"Wait, Iza-nii-" Mairu began to call, a bit desperately.
"Where are you going...?" Kururi asked. He looked back at them, amused by their subtle insistence for him to stay there.
They obviously suddenly didn't want him to leave them.
"Don't worry. I'll try to see you two later. I do have a job, though, ne? I need to make some calls. I'm leaving."
"Iza-nii..." Kururi caught him by the arm before he could leave. "We're not two. Kururi and I, and you as well; we're one. If you left us for good, we would never be the same. You're an important part of our world. So promise you won't ever leave us like that again..."
Izaya just stood there, silent, before taking his hand from her and patting her gently on the head as he looked down, giving her a soft and oddly warm smile. "...Hey, don't worry now, Kuru-nee. I am always still here... Ne?"
And with that, he just left the restaurant, leaving Kururi standing there.
"...Iza-nii..., why...?"
It was like watching some anime with a character who was much like a fox and a snake at the same time who always acted alone even when they were surrounded by many people around them; who hardly ever let people in. A person who at least one person out there was always trying to reach but never could. Who constantly gave the excuse, "maybe some other time" when there was no guarantee of such a thing. Who never made promises because they were afraid of breaking them. Who ended up dying, protecting the person they cared for most in their own way, and at death they ended up feeling practically just as alone as they ever had.
The only difference was, this was their reality. She was afraid for her brother, it was true. She hated seeing him smile like that, like everything was perfectly normal, hardly ever relying on a single other person, not knowing how to simply ask, "Can you please help me?". It hurt to constantly only ever see his back, because he was afraid to show them his front; his true identity.
"Why do you always do that to us...?" She choked.
"Leaving his sisters like that; he's such a damn fool...!"
~ End of Chapter
A/N: What did you think? It's was likely Shizuo's thoughts, at the end, by the way, or was it? Just kidding; yeah, it was.
Who do you think Izaya has to call. Did Shizuo forget that he had something to tell Izaya? Did he have something to tell him? Are Izaya's sister in danger?
Now where is Shiki-san...?
Also, did you any of you get the subtle Bleach reference to Ichimaru Gin? Gomen... Izaya reminds me a little bit of Gin. In my opinion, he's also a little like Seijuro Akashi, and... oh, and a little like Yato, too. I think I'm taking them all as a bit of reference to write this. Izaya is also a LOT like the Fushimi from 'K'. He's the one guy that the other guy calls "Monkey."(((if that ain't enough, Izumi, the bartender, looks JUST LIKE SHIZUO))). Makoto is utterly awesome, by the way.
2P!North Italy(considering how 'skilled' his 1P is at running away), or even 2P!South Italy(considering Romano's emotional insecurities in canon anyway), could be a lot like Izaya, and 2P!America(considering his 1P's strength in canon) could be a lot like Shizuo. Though I do still think Prussia and Izaya would get along rather well also, considering how much they love to troll people.
And then there's Shinra who is just... uh... Shinra.
But I love them all :3
Say, I'm curious; has anyone here played Undertale?
Sans, or Papyrus?
I'd take Papyrus, but those Skelepuns, though. x3
One more thing; imagine Lelouch and Izaya in a game of chess? Who do you think would win?
And if Izaya and L had met? Who would win in a battle of wits?
And what about Izaya and Akise Aru?
OH! I know! What about Izaya and Shuuya Kano~?
Ah... Man...
I talk too much... Damn it...
Jaa matane~!