Chapter 21: Silence equals death

P O V: Sylvie Brett

Uh waves of nausea slam into my stomach walls as I roll out of bed. Barely making it to the bathroom before vomiting. Sunlight streams into the huge bay windows of my bedroom. I am not in the mood this morning. The second my feet touch the ground I am assaulted by a wave of dizziness so powerful it knocks me down. My face hits the wooden floor, pain makes me squeal out. I can already feel the bleed forming.

Pulling myself up I yank the curtains close so now darkness descends on my room despite it being mid morning already. My legs last only long enough to carry me to my private bathroom before dropping me onto my knees in front of my best friend as of late. The toilet.

I can't say with any certainty how long I am on my knees emptying myself. All I know is when I do get up even rinsing out my mouth makes me nearly vomit again. I know I need to see a doctor, I know how serious this is. Yet I can't. It's not just the fact that I have no energy anymore. Although I don't even getting out of bed took every single ounce of my strength which is now sapped. I'm scared. I have never been like this. I always fought against letting this damn disease take over. Every bit of my strength was put into helping Jonah keep the faith. Why though? In the end it took him anyway. He suffered so greatly.

I know I am acting like how he did towards the end, the lack of energy, right now just vomiting and rinsing my mouth out has left me so weak, breathless and dizzy I am fighting off the feeling of faint. Leaning against the counter gasping, huge tears falling as I struggle to stay upright. My stomach feels raw, I know I weigh practically nothing. Yet I feel so bloated. My mouth/ throat burn from the sores caused by the constant vomiting. Blood clots have formed inside my nose now from the fall it's painful making my already labored breathing become even more difficult.

Closing my eyes I lean against the wall, some nights I can barely sleep between my coughing, stomach pains and fear. I am crippled into a state of constant conciseness. Other nights I sleep for so long it scares me.

Now I am starting to understand how Jonah felt. At that time I didn't, I was a boundless ball of wired energy always bouncing from one event to the next. How could he not be excited about being alive each day and discovering the hidden beauties of each new god given day. Now I get it. When each day is a struggle just to get up remember how to breathe, walk to keep from passing out. Sometimes you wish time would just freeze so you can play catch up.

"What's happening to you Jonah." Mom's voice had been laced with desperation as she tried to get her son to open up. Jonah had stared at me pleading for me to help. I couldn't I was on mom's side. "Jonah you have the top of the line skateboard, you have tons of friends, you excel in school, you've meet so many celebrities who have become close friends, you've been featured in movies, TV shows, why are you not outside playing?" "Why are you sitting here challenging the cat for the title of laziest animal? Your winning by the way." She had nudged him yet still he remained silent. I remember feeling a wave of coldness as his eyes locked into mine suddenly understanding something that unless you've faced a serious illness as a kid. You could never understand. The knowledge the feeling of knowing you were going to die young. Silence was so cold it was like a secret death. "mom you don't understand. Sylvie does, I don't have much time left. I don't want to waste my time doing meaningless things. I want to spend it here with you, dad, Chris and my only sister,"

Our mom became deathly silent she never wanted to talk about this, she hated when we mentioned the unmentionable. Our own mortality, slipping my hand into hers I urged her to let him keep talking. He wasn't done he needed to get this off his chest. "I'm scared mom. When we were told we had HIV we were so young, we didn't understand what it truly meant. We had already been living with hemophilia for years, we did just fine. So we thought okay another illness not a big deal, but mom we were wrong, It is a big deal. it's worse. We've both have tried to be so strong. For you for dad and for Chris even each other." we share a look my heart squeezes a little too tightly as I think of him being in pain or being afraid and trying to protect me.

"I've battled infections and complications for the last four years, I've always recovered. This time feels different. It's been months mom I can't regain my old energy, I don't feel eleven. I feel like I am an old man, who's chained smoke six packs his whole life. This is the longest I have ever been sick. My liver's failing, I have hernia's, chronic pneumonia, my legs are so raw from these sores, I can't even wear shorts. Mom all I ever think about now is going home to god. I can't sleep I want to please our lord, to be a god disciple, to be ready when he calls. Yet I am afraid of leaving you all."

"It's never been like this Jonah." "no sissy it hasn't." Sissy he never called me that unless he was really really tired or sick. "I want to say goodbye to know you'll be okay when I leave. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I don't know if I can ever be ready to say goodbye."

"It's not fair Jonah. You're too young to be having these thoughts, to be feeling this way. It's not fair that anyone ask this of you. Even god himself has no right." "He has every right mom he created us, he gave us breath, life. I just wish he gave us a little more time."

"Would it ever be enough Jonah?" I asked my voice trying not to clog up "Even if he gave us twenty or seventy years. Would we ever be ready to say goodbye? Even if we knew when our last song would be sung, if we had the power to stop the blood from running down, or to freeze time. Would we ever be able to willingly surrender ourselves to his mercy and leave all this life behind?" Jonah stared at me for the longest time before sadly smiling "Maybe not sis, I guess none of us can answer that because will never know how will handle our own death until it's time for us to be called home. It begs the question is it better to die suddenly with no warning, no time to prepare or from a serious illness, one where you have all the time to prepare?"

"Jonah it sucks that you and Sylvie have to both hurt so much in life, but sometimes the most divine the most powerful love comes from suffering. You and Sylvie have a bond that no one can tear apart. you've learned how to be compassionate, to not judge and to treat everyone with sensitivity, love and true friendship. That's rare it's special and unique. You know deep inside how much you two are loved, how god picked you for this family. You'll never forget that my sweet boy."

"I won't mama. I promise. I'll say a special thank you to God for giving me you as a mama and sissy as a sister. Mama where am I to be buried?" Mom took a long deep breath no parent wants to discuss their child's death even when it's imminent but our mom with her quite strength love and devotion pulled both of us down into a circle on the floor taking our hands. For the next few hours we wrote down where we wanted to be buried, what we wanted to wear, how to style our hair, what songs we wanted at our funeral. Who we wished to speak, to carry our caskets. Jonah seemed to become more lively as we finished it was like once his feelings were in the open, once he knew his wishes would be met he could go back to being a kid.

Looking at my meds I feel my eyes start to film over in a mist I need them. I want to take them there's just no way I can stomach them. My hand is shaking as I fill up the glass with water. Count out my cocktail of drugs take a few deep painful breaths and swallow each pill, my throat screams in protest. My ribs hurt as I extend too much for each breath, they land like a rock inside my stomach for 2.5 seconds they sit there before my knees aim for the toilet I had just gotten up from. Once again I am throwing up. Coughing, heaving gagging.

Sweat is pouring down my face in cold waves my legs tremble why am I suddenly getting so sick all the time? After all these years what has stopped working? How low are my CD4 cell count? I've always taken care of myself, exercised right, ate right, took my medication on time, seen doctors every few months. My last visit was six months ago I was the picture of perfect health my viral load undetectable so what's changed why? I practice safe sex, I've been upfront with all my partners I don't take any risks. I've never used drugs or drank excessively.

My stomach churns again tears pour down, I have no motivation to move. Curling my knees to my chest; I lean back against the wall. When will God think I've suffered enough? Could he be this cruel to my parents to take away two of their kids? So soon after their nephew? I wish I could talk to Billy now, he's seen so much death, suffering and unfairness he would know how to comfort me. We would sit there and watch the fireworks, munching on ice cream. "Wow this is the most amazing light show I have ever seen!" I can hear his little voice back then, now he has the front row seat to the coolest light show ever heaven. I can hear his laughter this time it's the older version he's telling me to stop being such a girl to get up to fight.

I want to but it seems like all the fight has gone out of me, even showering becomes a sit down task now. My legs are shaking bone against bone, ugly things they are, covered in large purple bruises, am I bleeding inside? How? Why? They extended to my thighs and lower back region. Even a few by my breasts, another memory of my childhood hits me.

Billy, Jonah, Kayla and Chris, I are chasing each other in the snow pelting each other with fresh made snow balls, we had a snow day. Our parents were all at work we had been running for hours, Jonah, Kayla and I had been eight Chris and Billy 6. "I have to take a leak." Jonah and Billy both announce we were miles from home, no houses in sight. "Gross." Kayla shouts as both boys take aim onto a poor dead tree. "Oh boys are so gross Sylvie." "I know mama always says we should make them take a class on manners and basic human decency." I wasn't saying how badly I wanted to rip my pants off and relieve myself. The cold was just making it so much more painful. Ladies have class though so I held it and made jokes about the boys.

It was Kayla who noticed it first "What's that bruise on Jonah's leg?"

Now I look at my own body as I shiver inside the shower. I can see him as clear today as I did back then. I still hear Dr. Riley's voice "These bruises Clover and Rustic along with the weight loss chronic cough, pale skin, bouts of pneumonia they all lead me to one road, it's been our fear since we heard the warnings on the factor, I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you, Jonah and Sylvie both tested positive for HIV, Sylvie's is controlled; she's in stage one, but Jonah has already progressed to stage three," "No! No! No-oh!" My mom's screams still echo inside my head even now nearly thirty years later.

"Sylvie! Answer me! Are you okay?" Gabby's voice is filled with concern she's pounding on my bedroom door. "I'm really worried please answer me!" I want to answer her I just can't. All I can do is lay on the floor of the tub curled up in a ball tears streaming down.

I can see my reflection in the mirror, there's a face staring back at me. One I don't even recognize. I'm a hot mess as the kids would say today. My skin is so thin it's like paper meche, my eyes are bloodshot, dark circles underneath, bones sticking out. I know she'll break down this door if I don't force myself out of this shower, at least make an effort to answer her. Just lifting myself takes every bit of strength I don't get far, I am forced to crawl on my side across the floor till I can reach a railing and the wall to use to pull myself up. I mange to step onto the scale.

101; I've lost nearly thirty-six pounds, if I lose anymore I won't be able to stand. I'll need a feeding tube. It's time to ask for help. Who though? Who can I trust? I am so afraid of losing my job, my friends, of being sued. Aids isn't like cancer where people hear the word and embrace you tell you how sorry they are, how you didn't deserve this horrible disease. No one comes with casseroles and movies, no one offers to sit with you while you take your meds or get your treatments.

Aids to most people is still a dirty unspeakable word, one meant with silence and fear, hatred and yes even anger and judgment. No one comes up to someone who's been told they have lung cancer and says well you did it to yourself dumb-ass you smoked, no one asks them so how many packs a day did it take to get this illness? Yet when people hear Aids somehow it's suddenly okay to ask so what did you do to get this? Did you have sex with someone without protection? How much drugs do you have to shoot up to get this death sentence? It's acceptable in today's society even twenty plus years after the epidemic of Aids to fire someone, outcast them, shun them deny them health insurance or treatment simply because of four little letters. Of course it's illegal but people find a way around it, most do it quietly, they act like there are other reasons. One look though I know, of course some are still unafraid unashamed to pass judgment to cast shame on us out loud proudly simply because we have an illness that can't be seen, an illness which in reality is very hard to pass to someone else.

There's only three known ways to contract HIV the virus that leads to Aids. HIV stands for human immunodeficiency virus. HIV harms the immune system by destroying the white blood cells that fight infection. This puts people at risk for serious infections

and certain cancers. AIDS stands for acquired immunodeficiency syndrome. It is the final stage of infection with HIV. Not everyone with HIV develops AIDS. Jonah did, Ryan did, Michelle did, so did Tony, Sammie and Seoul, Frankie Jean all friends of mine who I lost from the age of eight to 13 years of age. I stopped going to my support group after my thirteenth birthday the same week I lost my best friend Frankie.

HIV most often spreads through unprotected sex with a person who has HIV. It may also spread by sharing drug needles or through contact with the blood of a person who has HIV. Women can give it to their babies during pregnancy or childbirth.

I like to think I work with some pretty progressive, acceptable people, yet I know that even the people who you think are there for life can turn in the blink of an eye. I want to trust Shay, Gabby, Matt and Kelly. I just can't take that chance. Drying off I dress as quickly as my weak hands will go. Applying makeup I know it does little to hide the effects.

Taking a few deep breaths I head out wishing with all my power that I had never heard the power of this four letter word. "Hey Gabby, sorry I was showering what's up?" "You tell me? It's almost one this is the first you've come out, you look like shit." "gee thanks babe, I love you to," she engulfs me into a hug so powerful so reassurance for a second I am reminded that there are some good four letter words. Like, love, hope, I just wish I could find the latter.

"Shay has lunch prepared you need to eat, I've made an appointment with you with Dr. Bekker. No excuses you are going." how can I tell her there's no way I am going? How can I tell her that as much as I know she means well there isn't going to be some magic cure for me. That my time is running out. I can't she's been through so much already, she looks awful herself. Matt hasn't called in days, she's hurt by his words, she's angry and scared. Her hand rests on her stomach which flutters with life even as soft as it is. So I sit at the stool I take the grilled cheese she's made. The buttery cheese goodness melts on my tongue but churns my stomach. I close my eyes and try to find strength to keep this down.

"Listen Sylvie. I'll stay outside, I know your private, I am not trying to enforce myself into your personal business but your my sister in law, you're my child's aunt. I need you, I love you. I will fight for you," Will she? Can I trust her? Should I trust her? I want to so badly. I send a text to my mom the one person who's always been my rock. I know she'll be here within hours. As soon as she reads my message. "Mom I think I am progressing. I am scared please come to Chicago Stat." my mom has always taught us to be careful who we trust, to keep our mouths shut. However as I feel Gabby slip her hand into my hand. I feel my strength to start to weaver. "I know the valley is always darkest before the dawn Sylvie, I know you feel lost, I can see your scared, I am here for you. I'll be your strength, your light, when you fall I'll help you to your feet, just take the leap and trust me girl." She deserved to know she should know her child could be at risk for hemophilia. Shay slips besides me her guitar on her lap "Close your eyes Sylvie feel the lyrics of this song, let it guide you."

By our sides

"Remember the good times, remember how I was always by your side

I'm tired of fighting this war by myself, yesterday's promises have been carried away by the winds of my past.

Who will stand by my side?

Will someone hold me when I cry?

You are now a ghost where did you go?

Was it all a lie? Did you even love me at all?

I want to believe it's true, but I'm weak and blue

How was I to know that forever would go by so soon?

I gave you my heart, my soul. I trusted you with the most intimate parts of me

How could you just throw them away like ashes to dust, yesterday's garbage.

Was that all I ever was to you?

A dream that didn't meet your night time vision when the dawn of light woke you.

You've left me cold standing here wondering.

Where did it all go wrong?

Was it something I said, or a thing I did?

How did love go from fabulous to unrequited?

Shay's playing is amazing I never knew she had it in her, her eyes are closed and she's just feeling it. I'm not sure how these lyrics are suppose to be helping me. Their pretty sad, I mean they match how I currently feel, but I thought she wanted me to feel hopeful.

"When the light seems lost, I am the your eyes

when yours are shadowed in darkness.

When your feet feel like their flying,

on a trip you never signed up for.

I will be your hand that guides you back to earth,

No one walks in this life alone, he is always among us

He walks in tattered clothes, he watches over us, he sends us his angels

Let me be the angel who walks through you in this journey we call life

It isn't promised to be easy, everyone suffers in their own way

You are not alone my angel because I got it on good source a little J bird whispered to me. Be her angel I will grant you eternal life, be by her side and I will reward you with the sweetest ride. Be her strength and she will yours.

Friends, sisters unite stand strong cause no one is alone

no oh hear my words feel them in your soul, let them be the calcium your bones need to become strong again.

Shay's voice dies off slowly lingering in our souls, tears are falling freely. I want so bad to trust them. I can't though how can I? Unless you've been touched by HIV or Aids you will never know the devastation it brings in it's wake. It makes you grow up really quickly as a kid. They've never had that in their life, they've never lost a brother at only eleven years old, they've never watched him suffer, to lose his eye sight, his ability to walk, talk, breathe, to think his own thoughts, to even have the basic of human needs dignity, pride. I feel Gabby hold me "Talk to us Sylvie don't suffer alone."

I let her hold me if I do trust her, them it may the last time they ever let me touch them, it may be the last time I have a place to call home. Aids dose that too it causes people to lose their homes, families.

In the midst of my tears I hear a voice whisper to me "Believe in your sisters, their stronger than you give them credit for, believe in the power of love sissy." I spring up dizzy panting I must be losing my mind he's gone forever. I can't be hearing him.

"Sylvie?" My throat closes as I try to speak, my world becomes a blur of colors, I feel like I am overheating. "Sylvie!" Gabby and Shay's voices are laced with concern as I feel their arms catch me when my legs give out. "I'm HIV Positive." Somehow I manage to croak out those words. Everything seizes to happen for me as blackness starts to take over my world. "Call 911 Shay she's unconscious." The last words I hear Gabby yell in total panic.

A/N: Been away for some time thanks to everyone for being patient. Hope this makes up for the lasp in updates. So who's still shaken from this season's finale? I am. If you like Casett feel free to head over to my casett challenge and suggest words or phrases for one shots. Head over to this website if you would like more information on HIV or Aids. .gov/

Lyrics for By our side are by me.