Sirius spent the entire night wondering what he could say to James but, even so, when the Marauders awoke the next morning he was still clueless. He couldn't get the story straight in his head; he didn't know how to tell it.
"Good morning," said James cheerfully, heading into the bathroom.
"Yeah," Sirius replied quietly, a second too late; James had already closed the door. Remus came over, fully dressed, and sat heavily on the bed beside Sirius.
"So, what are you going to say to him?" he asked quietly.
Sirius shrugged. "I honestly don't know Remus, I'm just hoping that the words come when the time arrives," he sighed. "And I suppose I should tell Peter as well," he added as Peter stood groggily and began to change.
"James is the priority Sirius," Remus said firmly. "One thing at a time."
Sirius nodded, biting his lip. "What if he rejects me, Remus? What will I do then?"
"He won't," Remus assured him.
Sirius turned fearful eyes to his werewolf friend. "But I'm afraid Remus," he whispered. "I'm scared he'll hate me."
"We've already discussed this," Remus said in despair. "We know that James will accept you, bloodthirsty monster or not."
Sirius winced, sucking in a quick breath.
"Sorry," Remus apologised hurriedly. "Bad joke."
Sirius rose as James hurriedly dressed and led his friends down the staircase and into the common room. They walked to the Great Hall in near silence but it was not awkward; the boys were perfectly content to just walk along together in a dream-like state.
Sirius sat completely still as his friends ate their breakfast, feeling Simaltis' glare on the back of his head like a laser. He neither moved nor spoke as James helped himself to seconds and then thirds of everything and only showed signs of life when the others had finished eating and were ready to head to Care of Magical Creatures, one of the few classes Sirius had without Remus. It felt odd to be able to breathe fresh smelling air and he smiled to himself, inhaling deeply.
"Are you stoned?" James asked, staring at him oddly.
Sirius smiled and shook his head. "Nah, I just like the fresh air," he said.
James narrowed his eyes curiously but didn't say anything else; apparently he had patience enough to wait until Sirius told him everything later that day.
The day flashed by so quickly Sirius felt dizzy and he soon found himself sitting in lunch with horrible knots in his stomach; he had agreed with himself that he would tell James after lunch, during Transfiguration – he was sure James wouldn't mind skipping class and McGonagall would understand. Well, she would give them detention which, Sirius supposed, was as close to understanding as she would come.
As Remus rose to leave Sirius turned and caught his wrist. Remus winced and Sirius immediately let go uttering an apology.
"James and I are going to go for a walk, will you explain to Minnie?" he asked nervously, watching out of the corner of his eyes as James prepared to leave.
"Yeah," Remus said, rubbing his wrist. "Course I will. Am I to assume that you aren't going to be in Herbology later either?"
"Probably safe to do so, yes," Sirius agreed. "Sorry again," he added, glancing at Remus' wrist.
"It's okay; I have tougher bones than an ordinary human," Remus said with a small smile.
"Tell me about it," Sirius muttered as he turned to James. "Erm...do you want to come for a walk?" he asked meaningfully.
James looked up and met Sirius' gaze. He gave a short nod and led the way out of the hall.
"Good luck," Remus hissed as Sirius strode away.
He met with James at the front doors and they walked together in silence down the steps. Sirius led James towards a path he knew well and started pacing along it at a leisurely speed that James wouldn't have trouble keeping up with.
James kept stride with him in silence, expecting Sirius to start speaking first.
"So, James, I said that I would tell you everything," Sirius said, his hands in his pockets. "And so I'm going to. But before I start I want to say that I'll understand if you run away from me. I mean, I don't want you to but I'll understand and...I'm sorry I lied before."
James looked a little unnerved but didn't say anything.
Sirius took a breath. "During the holiday my father thought it would be an idea to invite a certain guest to the house," he began. "Only, the guest was a little more dangerous than I had reckoned, until I got closer to him. I realised what he was in time but it was almost too late. Don't ask me how I managed to get away from him that first time; I'll never know, but I did. I ran away from the house, thinking that I was leaving the stranger behind. I never once suspected that he would follow me; I was an idiot. I ran into an alley and it was only then that I realised I was being followed. But by then it was too late. The man attacked me and he..." Sirius paused, searching inside him for the words he never wanted to say. "...he bit me," he whispered. "And then he left me."
James stood stock still, his face paler that his white shirt. "He bit you?" he repeated, his voice shaking.
Sirius nodded. "Bit me, yes. I woke up in hospital and they told me what had happened. I was angry; I couldn't believe it. How could they just tell me something like that? I wished I was dead," Sirius laughed bitterly. "I should be so lucky."
James didn't say anything; he was still standing in the middle of the pathway, his hands shaking by his sides. Sirius turned away from him and forced himself to continue.
"I slept, a lot, and when I woke up again I was so thirsty I thought it would drive me mad. I tried to drink the water in the jug but it wasn't right; it didn't help; I needed something else. When the Healer came in I tried to attack him," Sirius admitted, shamefaced. "I drunk blood from the goblet he gave me but I wanted more. I always want more."
James had started walking again but Sirius noticed that there was a significant space between them and he realised that James was afraid of him.
"I thought I wasn't going to be allowed to come here, but Dumbledore said I could. And so I came back, a little different, but I'm still me James," Sirius said, desperately. "It's still Sirius you're talking to now. I haven't changed, not really."
"You fought with Remus. On the train," James said quietly, sounding unwilling.
Sirius nodded. "I wasn't prepared for that," he said slowly. "I didn't realise that being around a werewolf would be so...difficult. But we managed; we've only fought twice," Sirius said, trying to sound optimistic.
"You could've killed him," James whispered.
"No," Sirius protested. "I'd never..."
He stopped mid sentence as he realised that the words he so longed to utter were a lie.
"He's okay," he said eventually. "He was barely hurt."
James forced a laugh. "And what about next time...Sirius? What about when you get a little touchy and take a swing at him? Or when you get a little thirsty and take a bite out of me, or Peter?"
Sirius winced as a pain he had never felt before shot through him, shattering his hopes of being forgiven for what he was. "It's not like that," he whispered thickly, struggling not to cry. "Artifex, he showed me how to-"
"Who's Artifex?" James demanded. "Another little bloodsucker?"
Sirius drew in a sharp breath but otherwise didn't react to the insult; he didn't want James to know how much this was affecting him.
"Artifex is the High Vampire," he replied quietly.
James snorted. "High Vampire?" he questioned incredulously. "What does he do then? Tally up all the innocents you kill?"
Sirius took a deep breath. "He makes sure nobody does anything stupid," he said.
"What, like making more of you?" James snapped. He was furious and scared which was not a good combination, even at the best of times.
"No," Sirius said. "That's not up to him."
"So who bit you?" James asked, uncaring of how hurtful such a question might be. Sirius bit his lip.
"Remember the one Professor Simaltis talked about? At the start of term?" he said slowly, anxious about James' reaction.
"He bit you?" James asked, looking disgusted. "My God. You shouldn't exist, Sirius," he said quietly, his voice venomous. "You're exactly what Simaltis was warning us about."
"Yes, James, don't you see? This is why he taught you that all vampires are bad; he wanted you to hate me," Sirius argued loudly, terrified that his brother was going to abandon him.
"Well, he was right, wasn't he? What have you proved to me so far? You've admitted that your kind bite others, that you always want blood, that you can't help attacking people," James fired off, grinding to a halt as he faced Sirius. He kept at least three feet of space between them and was careful not to step too close but otherwise he seemed unafraid, just disgusted.
"It's not like that James, there's other stuff as well; vampires aren't bad, not like Simaltis taught us," he said desperately.
"Sirius, if I ask you something, do you promise me you won't lie?" James asked icily.
"Of course, I swear," Sirius said quickly, eager to comply if it meant that James wouldn't leave him.
"Have you killed anyone?"
The question caught Sirius off guard and he was furious at himself for not foreseeing it; it was an obvious question and easy to answer and yet he found that he couldn't.
"James, I-"
"Answer yes or no, Sirius. Have you killed anyone?" James repeated, his eyes shining with fury and revulsion.
"Yes," Sirius whispered, unwilling to lie to James again.
"How many?" James demanded, his jaw set.
Sirius shook his head. "I don't know." As he spoke the tears he had fought to keep back slid down his cheeks. James gave a horrified screech and stumbled backwards, staring at Sirius.
"James, please-" Sirius moaned, taking a single step towards his brother.
"Get away from me, vampire," he spat, breathing heavily.
Sirius froze, stunned at the loathing in James' voice. "Please, James; it's still me," he begged, blood running freely down his face as James turned from him.
"No, it's not," James said slowly. "Sirius died long ago. You're an insult to his memory." With that he turned and strode away, leaving a broken Sirius standing in the middle of the path as his life crumbled around him.
When James was out of sight Sirius let go of his control and fell to the floor, heaving with the suppressed sobs, blood spattering onto the path below him to create a scarlet puddle around his head. His hair was soon sodden, his face covered with his traitorous tears as he cried for all that he had lost.
It took a long time to calm down but he did eventually and he pulled himself into a sitting position, dangerously thirsty and feeling horribly empty and lost. He dragged himself to his feet, every movement costing him too much energy. He felt so crushed by shock and an overwhelming depression that he nearly fell again as he gained his feet but he managed to keep steady, standing weakly in the middle of the path, his brother's invisible footprints laid out before him. Sirius turned away from them and away from the rejection he had just suffered, determined not to think of it. He knew he could not go back up to the school and face James' anger and disgust but he didn't know what else to do; he had nowhere to go.
He turned back to the castle and stepped forwards, realising it was easier than he had anticipated and walked several steps forward. He was about twenty strides from where James had left him when he heard somebody following close behind him. He whirled around, suddenly gripped by an overpowering terror but there was nothing there.
He stepped forwards, searching for the culprit but there was no one; he was alone on the path. He stared into the gathering darkness; sure that somebody was standing about fifty feet along the path, concealed behind a tree. He watched the tree for a long moment, trying to decipher what looked wrong about it, every muscle in his body tensed for an attack he felt sure was going to come.
For at least two minutes there was not a single movement in Sirius' surroundings and when Sirius had decided it was safe he took a tentative step forward, still gazing towards the tree. He breathed in deeply through his nose, wondering if it was a squirrel but the smell that came to him was not that of a warm blooded squirrel; it was that of a human.
"Hello?" he called quietly, taking another two steps forward. "Are you okay?"
Whoever was behind the tree did not reply and Sirius wondered if something was wrong but a terrible fear and suspicion held him in place.
"I can see you," he said loudly, wondering if that was a wise thing to have revealed.
"Oh, I know," a deep voice replied. "I prefer it that way."
Sirius' breath caught in his throat as the smooth voice caressed at his fear. He turned to run but thirst had made him clumsy and he stumbled, hitting the floor with a horrendous crash that sounded like a death sentence to his ears.
The figure from behind the tree strode towards him, shrouded in black cloak with the hood pulled over his face but Sirius knew who he was.
"On your feet," the man snarled. Sirius struggled upright, his limbs shaking. He felt the instinctive urge to attack but, again, fear left him powerless and vulnerable.
The man reached up slowly to pull down his hood and as he did so Sirius registered the heavy looking gun in his hand. He drew in a sharp breath and took a fearful step backwards.
"What do you want?" he asked, his voice trembling.
"You," Simaltis replied. Then he cocked the gun, aimed it at Sirius' head and fired.