It has been several weeks since I've bothered to write anything. I figure since we are here in camp, there is no better time than the present. Thank Andraste Anora let me go, because the Keep was in some serious trouble.

Typically the normal stupid darkspawn are a bun I can deal with fairly easily. Dealing with intelligent darkspawn, who can also speak; not so much. I arrived in Amaranthine yesterday. The keep is in a state of disarray and causalities are high. From what I saw the darkspawn swarmed up from under the keep, not unlike the tower of Ishal.

The Darkspawn decided to ambush the Keep itself and no one here was prepared. The keep had a small contingent of Grey Wardens from, believe it or not Orlais. Yes, a few wardens defied the Empress and came to the keep to start the rebuilding process. We can account for most of the wardens, but some appear to be missing.

I'm not alone in my fight against these intelligent darkspawn. A Warrior named Mhairi greeted me and was escorting me to the keep when a single survivor fleeing the keep met us on the road. Her skills as we battled our way to the keep were impressive. She had volunteered to escort me to the keep as her dream was to become a Warden. Sadly did not survive her joining. I believe she would have made a fine Warden.

"It is always hard to lose a candidate to the joining." Alistair remembered Elissa's joining, and how she was the only one to survive.

As we fought our way though the keep I found the oddest of Mages. His name is Anders; I swear at first glance that he was Alistair.

"You have got to be kidding woman! He doesn't look a thing like me."

I found him surrounded by dead darkspawn and Templars. I'm still sure whether or not he actually killed the Templars. I think it is best I not know the answer to that question. While I feel is in essence a good man, I don't always trust instincts especially when he looks and even acts a little like Alistair. I wonder if Maric had another son, no I am sure not, well…..

Anders magical talent is powerful and since I'm always willing to give an apostate a chance I invited him to tag along. I was forced to use the right of conscription before the Templars accompanying the Queen could arrest him for "murder" and being a "blood Mage".

Anders was so less than wise in his baiting of the Templars. He had to tell them "Oh, I know, I know. Most people enjoy being kicked in the head to be woken up each morning. Me, I'm just so picky." His sense of humor is so similar to that of Alistair, which is yet another reason why I may have made him a Warden. Those witty one-liners get me every time. Anders is also a horrible flirt, however I find it rather enduring.

"Hey, you find his flirting enduring, really? And I still say he doesn't look like me and my one liners are far superior to his any day!"

I have made Oghren a Grey Warden. It's good to have a familiar face among this group of strangers. Oghren in his own unique style survived the joining, he took a deep draw from the joining cup, his eyes rolled upwards for a moment and he belched. If I hadn't stopped him I think he might have tried to down the rest of the cup. Maybe we should focus on recruiting drunkards, it might up the survival odds to the recruits.

Oghren has remarried that lovely Felsi from the Spoiled Princess near the Circle Tower. And I finally found out that he also have a little nugget. (that is what he calls the baby) It took some time to get him to open up about why he left Felsi and the nugget. We've spent many nights talking about his family, and now I believe he will finally start taking an active role in helping his wife raising their child.

"Still caring about everyone else. I knew you would not be lost to self-pity for too long."

Sigrun is a member of the Legion of the Dead and is the only surviving member of her squad. The Legion of the Dead give up their lives so they can have no fear while they fight the darkspawn. Many join the Legion as a way to be redeemed from debt, crimes, being castles, or from some dishonor. She told me how she ran away before the darkspawn could capture her. (the dwarfs know best of where broodmothers come from) I must say, I really like her quirky nature and her dedication. She feels terrible for running from her sworn duty. It is that guilt which flames her renewed hatred of darkspawn.

And then there is Nathaniel, my childhood friend, my first crush before he was sent to the Free Marches, and the son of the former Arl of Amaranthine. Yes, THAT Arl. In the Free Marches news can be delayed by months, and by the time it reaches someone who knows what version of news will be heard.

Apparently Nathaniel thought His plan was to come in and kill me while my guard was down. Like any dutiful son he was looking to revenge his, from what he had been told, father's murder. As he crept through the keep, he changed his mind knowing that it just wasn't right. Instead he decided to retrieve a few family heirlooms in remembrance of what his family had once been. The Howe family, before Rendon, was honorable, strong and dedicated to serving Ferelden. What I remember of Nathaniel from our youth was the very soul of dedication and honor. It was those memories that first gave me pause as I approached him.

I could hardly believe it took four Wardens to capture him. Even with him behind the cell bars, something about him made me look deeper. On one hand, I was beyond impressed at the strength and skills where it took 4 Wardens to capture and lock him up. On the other hand, was that haunted look in those eyes. In those eyes was the Nate I knew, but the pain in them was almost unbelievable.

These are the two reasons as to why I conscripted him. Everyone thought I had lost my ever-loving mind, which may be true in most cases, but this is not one of those cases. Nathaniel is not his father; I believe he needs the chance to prove to Ferelden that not every Howe is power hungry and evil to the bone.

Alistair huffed quietly. "He isn't his father, and I do believe he is a good man despite being slightly conceded, a bit of an ass, exceedingly overbearing, and not to mention he does not know how to take a joke."

Finally I come to Velanna, and I am not sure how I feel about Velanna, yet. She is incredibly outspoken, has a short temper, and a bit paranoid. While I have no problem with her speaking her mind, but the killing of humans disturbs me some. To be honest more than just some.

She is a very powerful Dalish mage who is at least equal to Morrigan power. She once was Keeper of her clan and knows the ways of the wood. Add to that an attitude on par with Morrigan, a sharp sarcastic wit, and one could almost say she is not worth the effort. The rub is that she seems to believe I can lead her to her sister. Her sister has been missing and she is desperate to find her. I know what it is like to lose a sibling so I want to help her. My thought is as long as she has some use for me, I'm sure she'll stick around. Lucky me.

"Oh Maker, she sounds like Morrigan. One of Morrigan is enough. Now there is a Dalish version? Scary." Alistair shuttered at the very thought of someone in the world just like the bitch of the wilds.

These are my newest companions. A odd bunch to be sure. No one has said a word about my ever growing stomach. I always wear armor slightly bigger than my actual body size, which is why I don't think anyone has noticed anything. Both Anders and Nathaniel strike me as the chivalrous type (despite Anders constant flirting and teasing), who wouldn't allow me to fight in my "condition."

Holy Andraste's knickers! I remembered everything long enough to write it down. It nearly borderlines on amazing! Anders tells me my slight memory loss might have something to do with being in such close proximity to the Archdemon when it was killed. Who knows?

Oh and I'm an Arlessa. More titles, how utterly annoying.

Alistair thinned his lips to keep himself from laughing. "For a woman who has always hated titles, holding so many of them must have been hell." He thought smiling to himself. " This is almost justice. NOW I feel much better."

"Ander's theory on her memory loss makes some sense. Being in close proximity to a powerful dying god could have side effects" He guessed this was slightly before her steady doses of Lyrium, but one could never be too sure. The Weisshaupt Wardens disliked her from the very start.

I walked right into a darkspawn trap. I knew what it was and I did it anyways. Things like this make me wonder if I should keep being the Commander of the Grey for Ferelden. It is bad enough that my mind slipping puts me in danger, but to allow it to harm others, I am not sure if I can live with that.

The Architect captured all of us. He resembled the intelligent darkspawn we found at the Vigil but somehow different. Perhaps it was his manner of speech, or the fact he seemed more in control that the others. We were experimented on, while there was no apparent physical damage to any of us, someone took all our equipment. I HATE it when someone takes my STUFF.

"Apparent damage, what did she mean by that?" Alistair felt a cold fear grip his heart. While in his mind, he understood that he was allowing his emotions to run high, he knew it was driven by his love for Elissa.

We were released from our cage by Velanna's missing sister Seranni. She appeared changed, almost like Hespith in the Dead Trenches. As we escaped we found some interesting documents in what appeared to be the Architect's quarters. I will have to try to remember to review these someday soon. In the mines we searched for the Architect, but he escaped with Seranni and a female dwarf. It doesn't seem fair that after we kill 2 dragons trying to get to him, he caused a cave in to escape us. I ended up breaking a nail digging out of the rubble, and it really upset me.

"Breaking a nail? That is what upset her?" Alistair was barely able to stifle a chortle. "You are so damned strange."

Next we went to a dead and deserted town called Blackmarsh. Nate mentioned that he always dreamed, when he was a boy, of coming here to solve the mystery. There is no sign of life in this place. No birds or natural animals to be seen. There is a feeling of heaviness in the very air around us. As we explored we found ruins of a village, that look as if no one has been here in many years. We found a campsite that would appear to belong to the missing Warden Kristoff, we were keeping an eye out for, but other than that no recent tracks or trails to be found.

As we continued through the abandoned village, we battled what seems like a new type of darkspawn. No not a talking one that came later, but this new creature looks like a cross between a child and a bug. Well a really LARGE bug with a drive to kill and eat anything. So far I think I have seen at least 2 stages of this new darkspawn, and I wonder what caused this new darkness to rise outside the blight.

So on to yet another talking darkspawn who calls himself "The First". He kept going on and on about "The Mother". As for this "Mother", I am sure she will show up sooner or later to be a pain in our arses. The First, The Mother, and the Architect, really someone must speak to their parents about how they name the children.

"I think she has a point about being a pain in the arse, but speaking to their parents?"

So back to "The First" he was so sweet to send us to the Fade. Have I mentioned what a Pain these new darkspawn are, well pain doesn't really do it justice? Speaking of Justice, guess who we found in the fad? The spirit of Justice that is who. First time the Fade has shown me a "good" Fade Spirit. And knowing that Wynne had one in her doesn't count, as I never met that one in the Fade.

Anyway we battled a Pride Daemon/Baroness that was holding all the souls of Blackmarsh hostage. Just when we had her dead to rights, WHAM she used the life-force of The First and ripped us, Justice and herself out of the Fade. So you might ask what happens to a good Fade spirit outside the Fade? Well in this case, he lands in the body of a dead Warden (Kristoff) reanimates him, CREEPY at first and helps us defeat the physical manifestation of the evil Fade Bitch the Baroness.

Anyway Justice has become the newest member of our group, and an odd member at that. His sense of right and wrong remind me of Alistair. He seems to see things as black and white, although he will admit that many things confuse him in "our world". Hmmm, I have just realized, I really do attract the oddest companions don't I?

"Yes, you REALLY do."

After the defeat of the Baroness, we faced a high dragon, well a spectral form of a High Dragon. What is it with Dragons, did they have a convention somewhere and say "hey, let's go and try to kill that little Warden girl?" has to be something like that with all of the dragons we have faced. This one was no push over, and there was a point where I thought I wouldn't make it. Only Anders spells saved the day once again. He is a sweet man, and while I can't put my finger on it he reminds me of someone sometimes.

Thanks to Anders, we were able to catch the nobles who were plotting to kill me, and catch them red handed no less. They have been dealt with accordingly. I find that I have little to no tolerance for such vermin anymore. I'm tired of back stabbing nobility

"I'll have to thank Anders later."

The darkspawn sprang a surprise attack on the city and the Keep. I had to choose which was more important, my Warden's or the people. Both are extremely important, I doubt I need write that here, but I feel that I need to. I had the up most faith in my Warden's. I was convinced they were well equipped to protect the keep against the darkspawn; the people of Amaranthine were not. I took Nathaniel, Anders and Sigrun into the city with me. I left the rest to defend the Keep.

The darkspawn were crawling all over the city. Thankfully most everyone took cover in the Chantry. We found out that most of them were coming up through the ground from the local inn.

The Architect sent a darkspawn "The Messenger" with information on where the Mother's lair lay. We are on our way now to take out the bitch. I would take everyone with us, but they are still defending the keep. May the Maker watch over and protect them.

Many Warden's lost their lives defending the Keep, including some of my newer recruits. Once every inch of the Keep has been searched for survivors, I will hold a service for each and every single one of my fallen brothers and sisters.

In Alistair's mind he heard again the words of the Joining: "Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten... and that one day, we shall join you."

I may or may not have done a rather stupid thing. I made a deal with the Architect. In exchange for some of my blood and my help in disposing of the Mother, The Architect has agreed to use my blood to keep any other Darkspawn from seeking out any old gods calling to them, and take the darkspawn some place where they will never bother anyone again.

"He promised to stop any future blights, it almost makes me believe that we got the better end of this deal."

Before he left I started to ask if there was something that could be done for the baby. He anticipated my question and assured me the baby would be born, maybe not taint free but it would be born as healthy as a Warden baby could be. I'm not sure I trust a darkspawn AND a blood Mage with my baby's life, but I am willing to try anything in order to give this baby a chance at life.

"Normally I would be angry with this decision, but one of the two worked in our favor. It's hard to be angry when I have a living, breathing son."

Now I have the lovely task of killing that damned "Mother".


The Mother was about as fun as the last broodmother I faced. Although she did give us plenty of information. The last blight was started completely by accident. By the Architect of all things. He was attempting to make prevent the old god from rising, but something went very wrong. The result of the Architect's meddling was an Archdemon.

The Weissahupt Wardens are less than happy with my letting the Architect go. I normally don't like to lie, but this little voice in my head kept telling me it was necessary. I wrote to Weisshaupt and told them the Architect fled before I could reach him. I honestly don't know where that lie came from, but it didn't work. They are accusing me of conspiring with darkspawn. I'd like to see them prove it. They are absolutely convinced he will start blight, and it makes me wonder if they know something I don't? If the Architect does back out on our agreement, (I highly doubt he will but one never knows.)I'm sure the Anderfels Wardens will be just as swift to help Ferelden as they were in the last blight.

Fergus was angry with me as well. He yelled at me for allowing Nathaniel into the Wardens. I informed my dear brother of whom the Warden-Commander of Ferelden is, and I will allow any man or woman I deem worthy into the Wardens. Fergus was less than thrilled with my decision and has not conversed with me since. Despite the fact that he now visits with Nathaniel regularly since Nate saved his life from a group of Bandits.

"Howe saved her brother from Bandits? Interesting, so that is why he has been allowed to take over Elissa's Arling duties in Amaranthine. It's horrible her own brother still won't speak with her. I wonder if there is anything to be done about that."

I have been giving out a lot of blood lately, it is most disturbing how many people and groups want my blood. The Dalish healer wanted my blood as did ALL of the Mages I paid a visit to, but this baby needs all the help it can get. If my blood is all it takes to assure this baby is born three months I will gladly give it away.

"That's my girl."

There was a rather sizable gap between journal entries, which told him that Elissa must have misplaced her journal once again.

I think Nugs are trying to kill me and my baby. Or at least that's what the Darkspawn and Mages tell me. What reason would they have to lie? They've been my only friends these few months, they say they like me, and they tell me I should trust them. I do.

"Mages? Darkspawn? Evil Nugs? Maker, the woman really is crazy." Alistair thought sadly to himself. "Of all the animals in Ferelden, why Nugs?"

My mind is cleared for the moment; who knows how long that will last. The Architect warned me slight memory lapses might happen. The evil bastard failed to mentioned darkspawn talking to me all of the time, and the fade dreams/nightmares. It's most disturbing.

"Disturbing? That is all you can come up with? Why didn't you find help for yourself? You had no problem finding help for the baby?" Alistair's softly growled. "How long is the stupid Bitch of the Wilds going to hover over her; chanting all that damn nonsense?"

The Queen has kept me under lock and key within the Palace. The Weisshaupt Wardens have been looking for me, and if they find me in my current state they will no doubt take the baby from me. I don't want that, I couldn't stand that. To lose my baby, Alistair's child would be more than I could bear.

I am far too big to be traveling anymore, so leaving to avoid those asreholes from Weisshaupt is out of the question. Carrying out my Commander duties not an option at this point either, thank the Maker that both Anders and Nathaniel have offered to take over the Arling and Warden-Commander duties. I am not sure why I am so blessed with these two wonderful men.

Zevran has been wonderful as well. He stays by my side when he can, and tells me of his latest adventure. Being a Crow Leader he has plenty of them. How he makes time to keep me company I'll never know. I'm grateful for him, Anders and Nathaniel. Orghren threatens to visit, I always threaten to beat him to a bloody stump if he dares to leave his wife and daughter.

Arl Eamon, Isolde, and Teagan visit me as well. When I can catch Eamon alone (and if I remember) I ask him about Fiona. He has yet to tell me any more than he already has. Before I can push him on the subject, he changes the topic.

"Why is she surprised when people care about her? And why does Eamon change the subject when she asks about that female Warden Fiona?" Alistair took a moment's pause and shook his head, perhaps her mind wasn't perceiving things as they really were?

Anora has offered to adopt my baby since Fergus and his new wife have refused to do so. Fergus is still angry with me. He believes my state of mind is all in my mind, and refuses to have anything to do with me until I am cured. At least this is what Anora, and Zevran tell me. I've decided to allow it.

Alistair would hardly agree with my decision, but I can hardly care for myself anymore, much less a baby. Anora has assured me no one will ever know the baby is mine or Alistair's. I have no idea what she plans to tell her advisors, but I'm sure it will be elaborate, confusing and wonderful.

"You had to do what is best. While I don't agree with whom you allowed to adopt him, at that point it is appeared to be what was best for everyone." Alistair looked at the relationship again. His dead half-brother's wife was raising his son. "The question that remains is she the best person to raise his son, if Elissa can be made well once again can she live with this choice?"

This baby continually pokes and kicks me, it's rather interesting seeing the ripples across my stomach. Anora sits on my bed for what seems like hours, and simply watches my stomach. It was all rather creepy.

"CREEPY, you thought something was creepy? If you did I am sure my skin would have crawled right off my body"

The darkspawn told me today that I should consider a trip into the deep roads. The Mages told me I need to visit the Anderfelds. If I weren't confined to a bed I would.

The baby kicks me all day long now. This feeling is so strange and amazing at the same time. I wish Alistair was here to feel the baby kick; I am sure, in this brief moment of clarity that it is a boy. Our son, I hope he looks just like his father.

"So was she being poisoned while she was pregnant? When I find out who the Weisshaupt Wardens procured to do the job, they are dead."

Bryce; that is my son's name. I'm not really sure why that name appeared in my mind, but I just knew his name absolutely had to be Bryce. He is as bald as he could be, the midwife tells me that it will change soon enough. His eyes are hazel are the exact shade of Alistair's, looking into them I instantly love him with my whole heart and weep that his father isn't here to see him. Unfortunately Bryce got my pointy chin, of all my traits to inherit it just had to be the chin. As Bryce grows I can only hope that he continues to grow in resemblance to his father and also inherits his heart.

"I love your chin, well and the rest of you as well. As soon as you are well again beloved, I will show you once again how much I love that chin!"

Sometimes I forget what Alistair looks like, and other times I can remember him as clear as day. This whole memory lapse is so frustrating. With the state my mind is in lately, I'm afraid soon I will forget him all together. While the rose he gave me is nothing but a withered stem, I saved the petals and dried them. I keep them in a locket so to never forget the first and last man I will ever love.

"I thought I was immune to guilt trips, I guess I was wrong about that." He thought staring sadly at the paragraph. He didn't remember seeing her with a locket around her neck, but then again he hadn't paid much attention to that region.

I'm going back to recruiting soon. The darkspawn tell me I should begin recruiting in Orzammar, but the thought of Nugs everywhere scares me. Ick Nugs!

"Nugs? What is it with those Nugs?"

The Journal ended there. Alistair slowly closed the journal; he stared at the cover thinking about everything he had read over the past few weeks. Each of them had been through their own hell. Her hell was slightly...bloodier than his had been. He only hoped that somehow she could be restored so her hell could finally end, and if at all possible they could find a way to build a future.

Her last few entries made one thing clear. He had made the right decision in bringing her to Morrigan first. She needed help desperately. Hopefully with the help of Flemeth's magic Elissa would finally be herself once again.

He was also curious as to which group was responsible for helping Elissa bring their baby to full term? She did what she needed to do in order to assure their son would be born safely, but who actually had the helping hand?

What happened with her Fiona research? He had never even heard of her, much less knew about a fellow Warden giving birth. "It's not only an amazing thought, but if you continue to think on the subject I will explode." Funny that, how so many times Elissa was the instigator behind his head wanting to explode. A wry smile flickered across his lips at the memory of when he first told her how being near her made his head want to explode.

Even as he was lost in thought, Alistair could still feel someone watching him. He slowly glanced upwards to find Morrigan now hovering over him chanting softly under her breath. He opened his mouth to protest and tell her to stop. She held up a finger, stopping him before he could. Afraid she would turn him into a toad or worse, he complied with her silencing finger.

She scrunched her finger, beckoning him to follow. As if in a trance he followed her silent order. She motioned towards the bed, wordlessly he took a seat on the edge, awaiting Morrigan to finish with her chant. His eyes began to grow heavy with fatigue.

Morrigan heaved a sigh of relief as she finished the chant. "I have done all I can do for now. The actual task of bringing your fellow Warden back to herself is now completely up to you. I ask and suggest that you do not make a mess of this situation as you have everything else involving her. Tis an easy job easy enough for even the dimmest of imbeciles. Which does give me the slightest bit of faith you may be able to do this undertaking successfully."

"What's happening? What are you doing to me?" He croaked groggily.

"Why, I am sending you into her dreams of course, or if you would prefer calling it a Fade I shall not stop you from doing so." She crossed her arms in front of her chest as she watched the Warden-Commander become drowsy." Surely you do not expect me to do all of the work myself? You will do your part to help her as well Warden. I shall explain all other things once you have completed your task." Morrigan chuckled musically, flashing Alistair a rare self appreciative smirk.

He attempted to argue with the witch, but his words came out a jumbled mess. Soon he fell backwards onto Elissa's legs, and was fast asleep.

Morrigan pulled up a chair beside the bed, watching the two Wardens sleep. She hoped she had not make a rash decision in sending Alistair instead of going herself. As much as she did not like the fool, the chances of his success were indeed higher than most who knew Elissa. Why she STILL loved him was a concept she could not fathom.

Before sending Alistair into the Fade, Morrigan decided to take a look for herself. What she saw impressed her more than she cared to admit. It was rare for a typical human to create a fade world (without the help of a demon of course) as detailed and meticulous as Elissa had created. The overexposure to Lyrium over the last few years might have played a part in such a creation, but Morrigan believed help might have been given.

Exactly who's hand played a part in the creation of that fade world remained to be discovered. She was certain that those at fault for her friend's pain would pay. Strange to think how for the affection she held for Elissa she could find herself working with that fool Alistair. In her heart she knew that for the love they both held for Elissa they both would make those responsible pay a heavy price and move the world to return her to herself.

With a deep sigh Morrigan knew that all she could do now was watch and wait.

A/N: YAY! NO MORE JOURNAL ENTRIES! *Does a happy snoppy dance*

I just HAD to work a fade trip in here somewhere. Anyways Morrigan can't do ALL the work here.

A huge thanks to Linette23 for editing and making sense of this massive chapter. Thanks to everyone who reviews, and added my little story to your lists. You all are wonderfully awesome.