A/N: one more before I crash.

Because of you

Chapter 21

Edward's POV

"You're going to need IVF."

It was six fucking words that we were warned to be prepared for, but they still hit hard. The midline obstruction of Bella's fallopian tube was too extensive and couldn't be cleared. On top of it, the last ectopic pregnancy had also left scar tissue.

In a nutshell, we were fucking screwed, and having babies wasn't going to be easy, and more than likely fucking expensive.

But, hey, it's not like anything had ever been easy for us.

The only positive was that the chance of us fucking up and Bella having another ectopic pregnancy again was basically non-existent. We'd beaten the odds with the last one, apparently.

Like that was some kind of consolation.

Poor Bella. She only sat beside me, opposite the Gynaecologist, her expression turning blank as she appeared to absorb his words, before her eyes slowly welled with tears.

I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. She turned to me, flashing me this completely brave, but broken fucking smile, nodding quickly, before turning back to the doctor. She was holding strong.

For now.

After a short prep talk, about how hundreds of thousands of babies are born per year through IVF, we were referred to an infertility clinic here in Port Angeles before we left.

Taking Bella's hand in mine, I pulled my arm over her head and around her shoulders, easing her closer to me.

"I'm okay," she mumbled, leaning against me for a moment as I pushed through the entry doors and out onto the street. "I kind of knew..."

She released my hand to curve her arm around my back, before grabbing a fistful of my shirt. I stopped and turned fully to face her.

"Tell me what you want to do, baby, and we'll do it," I promised her. "Do you want to make an appointment with the fertility clinic in Seattle to see that doctor you were telling me about?"

She shrugged, glancing at the ground and tugging on her lower lip; she was beginning to look defeated. "I read, on average, it takes three years to get in to see him."

"Well, surely there's other good doctors there," I attempted to reason with her, reaching over to remove her hand from her face. "Or...do you want to get married first?"

It'd been a couple of weeks since I'd proposed to her, and her father had already insisted on paying for the wedding. I kind of got the impression that he was hurrying us down the aisle; probably worried I'd knock her up again. Not that it was even possible anymore, but in truth, if Bella wanted to elope or even get married in fucking Vegas tomorrow, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

We'd been back together for six months now, and I still had this panic in the bottom of my heart that I was going to lose her again. I guess I was still hung over from those six years without her, so it wouldn't bother me how we tied the knot, just so long as we did.

Bella wasn't the type of person who'd want a big, flashy wedding, but I still knew she wanted something special; even if it was small. I wouldn't take it away from her, even if I was a needy son of a bitch. Besides, they were essentially girly things, and Bella was still one of those. She'd already recruited Angela to take the photos, so whatever she wanted I'd go along with.

She smiled warmly to herself, before looking down at her ring, running her thumb over it. "Yeah, I do...but I want to get the tests done to make sure I'm suitable. At least that way when we're ready we can go ahead with it." Tilting her head, she glanced up at me while the look in her eyes began to cripple me. They were hopeful, but at the same time still flooded by pain and disappointment.

"Okay," I agreed softly, sliding my hand back around her again and leading her to the car.

"I really just...I don't want to think about it for a while," she confessed five minutes into our drive home, before expelling a heavy breath.

"Want me to distract you?" I asked, nudging her knee and making a smile break across her face, before it quickly turned wry.

"I wouldn't object to it," she murmured.

So, for the next couple of months, I distracted her—a lot. If that's what we were calling it now, but as it was, planning a wedding was the perfect distraction for her. She was frustrated more than anything else. It was the lack of options mostly, because let's be honest, it's not as if Forks, and its surrounding towns, offered much when it came to planning a wedding.

On our days off together, we took a lot of trips to Port Angeles, and to Seattle and Olympia—my fucking sister's home town—for everything from the invitations, the cake, flowers and car hire. Bella wanted a church wedding, but this didn't surprise me. Ever since Bella went to Middle Earth and back—as I teased her—she was a lot more...spiritual. We had things around the house we'd never had before; crosses and angels mostly. Angels of every variety you could imagine. Bears with wings, babies with wings; Chris Hemsworth with wings. Okay, not exactly. Bella had informed me his name was "Michael". Still, there was something seriously fucking unnerving about a twelve inch statue of a Greek God, wearing nothing but a loin cloth, with a pair of outstretched wings and holding a humongous sword watching over you while you're having sex.

And that fucker's sword was a lot bigger than mine.

So long as Bella didn't want to dress as a Nun for the next Halloween, I was okay about it. Though, I had a suspicion she might want to dress me as "Michael". Come to think of it, I was pretty sure I'd tainted her body and soul well beyond the realm of spiritual purity, so Bella running off to join "The Little Sisters of the Poor" didn't exactly seem likely. Then, I guess being constantly confronted with God's fucking representation of male perfection was my punishment for violating her.

And fucking poetically, the little shithead of a Golden Retriever hadn't once attempted to steal "Archangel Hemsworth". I actually think the little coward was scared of it.

I suspected we had that in common.

So, a church wedding it was, where I'm sure Michael would continue to watch over us, pointing his sword at me in disapproval like he did most nights. That was, of course, if I wasn't struck by lightning the moment I stepped foot inside the building. I still suspected I might have told God to fuck himself the time I OD'd on alcohol—and self-disgust.

We booked in Saint Paul's Episcopal Church in Port Townsend for October 11th; three months from now. It was the only time her father could guarantee he'd be on leave, and Bella wanted him to walk her down the aisle. Not that I was complaining, but it didn't give us a lot of time.

The venue for the reception wasn't as easy. Most were outdoors, and any time past September Bella went into hibernation mode. I didn't want her getting hypothermia at our wedding, or catching pneumonia.

Eventually we decided to have it at the house. We found a place that hired wedding marquees that included tables and chairs and fairy lights—and all that crap. Plus, the full set up the night before came with no extra charge. That way we could at least have portable heaters so that Bella, as well as Nummi and Rach, didn't freeze their tits off.

That was the next problem we were faced with; getting Nummi and Rach over here. Bella's father had given her his account details to charge all the wedding costs to, but I don't think it included flying over her best friends from Australia, and asking them to pay for air tickets on such short notice was shitty.

In the end, we decided to pay for them. I wasn't exactly happy that her father had insisted on paying for everything, so it was something of a consolation.

With Bella as organized as she was, everything had pretty much been arranged, booked and ordered with six weeks to go. The only thing she still needed to finish taking care of was her dress. A dressmaker in Seattle was making it. Something Rose had helped her out with, apparently—not that I was allowed to know much about it. But with Rose and Bella communicating Emmett took it as a green fucking light to worm his way back in with me. In September I was taking Bella to Seattle for her birthday, and of course Emmett conned dinner out of us, by getting Rose to ask Bella. I wasn't sure if Bella knew what to think with Rose, but she was happy to visit her and Emmett. I wasn't really looking forward to it, but I did miss the kid.

With everything basically prepared, all we had to do was decide on the guests, before getting the invitations printed and sent.

"Okay," Bella began after sitting us down at the dining table, pen and notepad in hand and appearing to almost shrink away from me, "who do you want to invite from your family? Emmett and Rose?"

I thought about if for a moment, as my thoughts began to darken. "And EJ," I mumbled. In truth, if I could have got away with just inviting Rose and EJ, I would have, but I suppose I did need a best man.

"No one else?" she asked.

"No."

"Not Jazz...?" she breached apprehensively, her brow creasing as if she was anticipating my response.

"He'll bring Alice," I replied stiffly, glancing away from her.

"Okay," she replied, half mumbling, before adding the names to her list, but she still looked troubled.

"You don't want to invite anyone else, do you?" I questioned her.

She hesitated for a moment, before answering, "No, but they're you're family. I don't know... I thought I should at least ask." And half shrugging, her eyes dropped back to her notepad. "By the way," she piped up a moment later, glancing up to meet my gaze, "I've been deemed a 'suitable candidate' for IVF."

I smiled broadly, happy to have some fucking good news for once. "See, in no time there'll be dozens of the little fuckers running around."

She broke into an immediate grin and released her breath in a long gush as if I exasperated her. "You are such an eloquent person, Edward," she teased me warmly, before turning her attention back to her list.

Peering closer, I read some of the names, surprised by who was written down. "Babe, is that Jessica Crowley, as in Jessica Stanley?" I asked in almost disbelief. The same Jessica Stanley who I'd almost fucked when I was seventeen just to get back at Bella when I thought she'd gone out with that piece of shit Newton.

She glanced back up at me, nodding her head, her expression appearing just as surprised as mine. "It is. It's so strange. Today at the restaurant she came up to pay her bill—she's there most days that I seriously think she has some kind of aversion to cooking. Anyway, she congratulated me on our engagement and then asked if she was invited to the wedding. I told her she was. I didn't know what to say."

"Jesus, maybe she's been to Middle Earth, as well," I said lightly; though I was genuinely fucking disturbed by it. In high school Jessica Stanley was the biggest whore you could imagine, and she was an abject fucking bitch to Bella.

"Would you stop saying that!" Bella demanded, throwing her pen at me; though, she only appeared minimally frustrated by me.

Chuckling, I rolled the pen back over to her. "Well, stranger things could happen. I could be friends with Jake!"

"That one still throws me," she murmured.

"So, are you and skankville BFFs now?" I teased her, my laughter increasing by her expression.

"Edward, that's terrible! I really don't think she's been like that since high school. Anyway, do you know what she told me?" she asked, her tone automatically dropping, and becoming almost serious.

"What did she tell you?" I imitated her, smothering my laughter through my nose this time, and attempting to keep a straight face when she immediately glared at me.

She huffed. "Will you be bloody serious for a moment?"

"Okay, okay, I'm being bloody serious—get on with it, woman!"

She scowled at me, not even minimally convincing, before taking a deliberate breath; her voice once again lowering. "She told me in senior year how Mike Newton"—her voice blatantly restricted around the prick's name, making me immediately fucking aggravated—"raped her."

"Fuck..." I muttered, seriously this time, and immediately pissed off knowing the piece of shit came very close to doing the same thing to Bella.

Something that would have forfeited that bastard's life!

She only nodded in understanding, her brow knotted, clearly troubled by it, before she continued, "She told me Tyler found her not long after, and they got really close, and then she apologized for being so horrible to me in high school."

"How come she never reported it?" I asked, attempting to throw off the sudden edginess, because after all, if she had that piece of shit might not have gone after Bella.

"I'm not sure, but considering her reputation, maybe she was worried people wouldn't have believed her."

"That fucking prick was lucky I didn't rip his throat out," I said, darkly.

"Edward..." she complained, forcing my attention back to her, "you're doing that face..." And it was clearly bothering her that I was, but it'd been years since she'd spoken those words to me.

I quickly snapped myself out of it, knowing it would probably take all fucking night to get that asshole from my thoughts, and Bella would be well aware of it. "So, if you're inviting Jessica Stanley, who aren't you inviting?" I teased her in an effort to lighten shit up again.

"Lauren Mallory, she's still a snot. And your parents, and sister," she said quietly, before her eyes dropped back to the notepad before her. "Sure you don't have any aunts and cousins you want to invite?" she asked without meeting my gaze while she began to draw idly on the paper.

I only watched her for a moment, but I had no fucking clue what she was thinking.

"Bella..." I began, reaching over to place my hand over hers, drawing her attention back to me. When she met my eyes, I put it to her, "Talk to me. Do you want me to invite them?"

"No," she said immediately, with a certain amount of conviction in her tone, but at the same time her expression began to appear pained. "I don't think I could ever trust Alice again, but at the same time...I just don't see the point in being angry any more. The past is done, and we can't change it." She shook her head, seeming suddenly frustrated, before releasing her breath and shrugging. "I don't know..."

I paused, contemplating it for a moment. I knew what Bella was trying to say, and I knew she wanted to let it go; I even suspected she wanted to forgive them. I just wasn't sure if I ever would. Maybe it was because it was my family who'd done this, not just some random person I was friends with for a couple of years. It might have been different if it was, but because it was my family—my fucking twin sister, no less—it made it not just a lie but a fucking betrayal. And what made it worse was that a very significant part of me was fucking gutted that I felt so much anger and animosity for Alice. That I was forced to cut her out of my life. But I knew with absolute fucking certainty that I would never have agreed to a plan that I knew would have caused Alice so much pain. On the other hand, Alice not only went along with it, she allowed it to continue to the point that it wasn't only me and Bella who were affected. I was going to marry someone who, in essence, I could barely fucking stand.

Not to mention, that during the first several months after Bella went to Australia, Alice had attempted to make me take the blame for her perpetuated fucking bullshit. "It was my fault she'd left; I'd pushed her away; I'd never listened when everyone had tried to warn me," she'd drummed into my fucking head over and over again, while all along Bella was only a few hundred miles away as fucking broken by their lies as much as I was.

That was the main reason why I could never forgive Alice, because she'd hurt Bella as much as she'd hurt me. And because of decisions she'd never had any right in making, she'd directly, or indirectly—it didn't make a fucking difference—placed Bella in danger.

I ran my hand to the back of my neck, before dragging it forward through my hair and slamming it to the table. Bella immediately jumped, reminding me again how uneasy it made her when I was this angry. But I wasn't angry; I was fucking frustrated, because for Bella I'd do anything, but I couldn't do this for her. "I'm sorry, baby. I just..." I abandoned it, but I didn't need to elaborate, because Bella understood my meaning. But it's all I had.

She nodded, but continued to look upset. "I know..." she said softly

Grabbing her hand, I guided her around the side of the table and pulled her onto my lap.

With a heavy sigh, she wrapped her arms around my neck, but didn't say anything.

"It's still raw for me, baby," I admitted, pressing my lips against the curve of her neck, before burying my face against her skin.

"I know," she repeated, "but I can see it eating away at you, Edward. I know what it's doing to you, and it isn't only making you angry." She pulled back to meet my eyes, before adding, "And I feel everything you feel. I always have."

Expelling my breath deeply, I groaned inwardly in fucking resignation, until it eventually became audible. "You know how close I used to be with Alice?" I fessed up. She only nodded, her eyebrows drawing together, before her hand ran from around my neck to rest against the side of my face. "It fucking...cut me, what she did."

"I know it did, and it still does. I-I just don't want you to let it in," she replied, her voice wavering and coming close to breaking. She sounded almost genuinely fearful, but I suddenly had no idea what she was referring to.

"Let what in?" I asked, my forehead bridging in confusion.

Her eyes immediately severed from mine before she cleared her throat. "Never mind..."

Cupping my palm to the side of her face, I forced her eyes back to mine. "I promise you, baby, I won't let it get in between us. I...just need a bit more time to deal with it."

She nodded, a faint smile warming her face, before she rested her brow against mine. "I just want you to be able to let all the anger and hurt go, but I can't tell you how to feel. I'm not exactly a great example, either, because it took me almost twenty years to get to that place with Renee."

Drawing in my breath, I released it again into a frustrated groan. "Yeah," I murmured, once more planting my lips to her neck, before in one movement, I got to my feet; lifting Bella onto the table as I did. "Okay, enough of this heavy shit. How long has it been since I threw you over this table?"

Breaking into a smirk, she ran her hands to the back of my neck, anchoring me against her to kiss me. "Too long," she uttered against my lips, her breath flooding me.

. . .

Bella was right—I knew she was right—but how the fuck could I forgive Alice when every single time I looked at Bella I was reminded of what she'd done?

I didn't want Bella to get anxious for me. Fuck knows she had enough to worry about, but every time I looked into her eyes I saw it. I saw the impact the last six years had on her, and I remembered all over again what it had done to me. Because the very basis of who Bella and I were now had stemmed from it. That was the reality of it. Sure, I had her back, and I was happier than I had ever been in my life, but it was going to take a lot more than forgiving Alice to erase the last six years from my memory.

Maybe I could when I stopped dreaming that I was married to Kate and Bella was still lost to me, or maybe when Bella stopped calling my name out in her sleep, as if she was having the same fucking dream.

The fact was I wasn't ready to forgive, or forget, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever be. I just had to start doing a better job at concealing it from Bella; at how much it continued to fuck with me.

A/N: well, this one was a bit of a quickie.