A/N: Okay, so here it is, the next episode in my horrible torture of our two favourite pilots. Hope ya'all like it!

Special thanks to all my lovely reviewers who've kept me motivated and invested in this piece. You make me want to be a better writer and I hope that I continue to live up to your expectations.

Still own nothing, still just enjoying other people's work on a deeper level by playing what if... hope no one minds!

Chapter 21

Watching Lee enter the Life Station with a lighter step than he'd seen in weeks, Bill cocked an eyebrow. That must be some shrink, he thought to himself.

"Lee?" Bill called as his son headed straight for the door to the isolation area. Lee turned, the dark circles still shadowed his eyes but he looked more relaxed, more his old self, than Bill thought possible, given the circumstances. He was still serious and stoic Lee, and the furrow in his brow told Bill he was still worrying over Kara, but the lost little boy look had vanished from his face and Bill no longer had to fight the urge to coddle and soothe this determined young man. Lee had been lost, unsure of what to do, disoriented by the fact that there was nothing he could do. It looked like Lee had found a direction and had a plan of attack. Bill smiled to himself, Lee always did need to know exactly what was going on and what he needed to do. It was part of what made Captain Adama such a good officer: that he thrived on the combination of order, regiment and action that made up the foundation of military life.

What now, Lee snapped internally, catching himself before he actually frowned over the old man's interruption. Lee forced a smile, "Sir?"

Bill smiled in return, "tell Kara I'll be in to see her as soon as I can sneak past Cottle or convince him that it won't kill me to walk a hundred feet to her room."

Lee nodded, relieved that his father didn't want to delay him any further, "will do, Sir."

Bill watched his son make his way back to the other side of the ward. The weight on the young man's shoulders was almost visible, the strain on his heart almost palpable, but he was holding up. Clearing his throat noisily, the Commander turned his attention back to the paperwork laid out across his lap.

* * *

Three weeks later, the Galactica and her crew had settled back into their regular routine, such that it was. The gossip and rumour mills had found something new to chew on and Kara's miraculous return and recovery was yesterday's news.

"Full colours, beat that gimp!" Kara crowed triumphantly as she threw her cards down onto the blanket and pumped her fists in victory.

Helo groaned and threw his cards down in disgust, "How do you keep doing that?"

Kara shrugged and grinned at him, "Some of us are just born lucky, I guess. Some of us on the other hand," she gave him a pointed look, "are born with the card playing ability and general luck of a Tauron sewer-cleaner."

He swept up a handful of cards and flung them lightly at her head. Kara's laughter echoed momentarily in the small room before she choked and started to cough. Helo, his face flashing from amusement to fear in a heartbeat, waited to see if the spell resolved itself. When it didn't, he reached out and grabbed the plastic mask hanging on the oxygen tank beside her bed.

"Here," he said quickly, handing her the mask as he opened the valve on the tank and hit the button to release medication into the oxygen stream with a practiced hand.

The coughs shook the bed and Helo watched nervously as Kara's face twisted in agony with each heave. After what felt like an eternity, the medication began to kick in. Gradually, the coughing began to subside and Kara was able to take deeper gasps from the mask in between the rasping coughs.

Finally, she stopped hacking and gagging and sat back, her eyes closed, her hand clamped firmly over the mask, as she struggled to bring her breathing back to normal.

Karl watched, waiting for any sign that the fit would return, until her right eye slid open.

"Never a dull moment in the exciting and adventurous life of Kara Thrace, huh Helo?" she quipped, her horse voice distorted by the mask.

"You said it, 'Buck," he grinned at her, all sign of worry vanishing instantly from his face as he looked down at her smirk.

Frak, Kara thought, that's Helo for you. One second he's terrified and about to run screaming for the doc and the next he's sitting there smiling away as if nothing ever happened. A deep tug of affection pulled at her heart as she gazed at her friend.

"What?" he asked, self-consciously. "Why are you smiling at me like that?"

"Nothing," Kara shook her head, the goofy smile that had managed to slip past her guard vanished instantly. She busied herself tidying the cards with her free hand. "Just trying to figure out how much you owe me now, after today's record-setting winning streak."

"Winning, my ass," Helo scoffed. "Today's record-setting cheating streak, more like it."

Kara feigned insult, gasping at him in mock disbelief, before grinning and tossing the oxygen mask at his head.

Helo caught it easily and returned it to its place of rest on the tank before shutting down the apparatus.

"So, now that today's entertainment portion of the show is over, what do you say we move on to the traveling bit?" she asked.

Helo shook his head, "Negative, I promised Apollo we'd wait for him." He glanced quickly at the clock on the wall, "he's just finishing the morning briefing, he should be here in a couple minutes."

"Of course, wouldn't want to upset the almighty CAG by actually doing anything in his absence now, would we? Gods, Lee has to be a part of everything. It's not like I'm some little baby taking her first frakking steps, I've been scooting around on those damn sticks in here for a week. Of course I've only served on this bucket for years now, and without the glorious help of Captain Adama I might just get lost or wander out an airlock or something."

There wasn't much bite in her sarcasm but Helo knew Kara well enough to note the underlying tension. Although she'd toss herself out an airlock before she admitted it, Kara was obviously torn between her need to be around Lee, her reliance on him just to stay calm and stave off the anxiety that built steadily with his absence, and the resistance and discomfort that kind of dependence instinctually raised within her.

"I think it's more about his concern over 'old gimpy' here," he smiled as he poked himself in the chest with his thumb, "not being able to catch you if you take a spill."

Kara's eyes darkened at the mention of his injury and her eyes flashed to Helo's wheelchair before darting away quickly. Frak, Helo frowned as he watched the tension pull at the corners of her mouth,

"Hey," he put a hand on her arm, habitually pausing as she made a minuscule flinch before he gave her a gentle squeeze, "we've been over this, Kara."

She refused to look at him, "You never told me, who won the pilots' one-on-one pyramid tourney?"

Karl shook his head and tugged at her arm, "Look at me, Starbuck. Kara. Look at me." He waited until she reluctantly met his gaze, "I. Have. No. Regrets. Do you hear me? I did what I did because I wanted to, because your life was more important than my stupid leg. And I'd do it again, a thousand times over. I'm glad I did what I did. End of story. You have to stop blaming yourself for it. Do you get me, Lieutenant?"

Kara shrugged, staring down at her fingers as they toyed with the hem of her tanks.

"Besides, you know the chair is just temporary. Doc said I'd be up on crutches of my own as soon as it finishes healing from the last surgery." Kara didn't respond. Helo heaved an internal sigh. Frakking Starbuck, he cursed, stubborn as an Aerilon mule and twice as ornery. Trying a different angle, he let go of her arm, sat back in his chair and smirked, "You're just scared I'll run circles around you once I get up on my sticks."

He waited a beat. A flicker of a grin licked at the corner of her mouth.

"I mean, you can't actually think that you, a lowly girl, would be able to keep up with such a fine specimen of the male form, do you?" He leaned back, his hands clasped behind his head and let out a satisfied groan, settling back comfortably and closing his eyes.

He cried out for effect when her pillow hit him square in the face, just as he'd expected it to. Looking up from where he'd doubled over in exaggerated agony, he was rewarded with a genuine grin that reached her eyes and the knowledge that they'd made it over that hurdle once again. Not that he expected the matter to be over, he knew Kara too well for that. But they were okay again. For now. And with Kara, that's all any of them were hoping for at this point.

Moments later, they heard the clatter of hurried footsteps in the corridor.

"Oh good, you're still here," Lee sighed as he bustled into the room, dropped a sheaf of papers on the empty chair and came to stand at Kara's bedside.

"Well, we were going to take a spin out to cloud nine for a drink but figured we'd might as well wait for your sorry ass. You know how much Helo and I hate to see you cry when you're left out of things," Kara grinned up at him.

Helo sat back and offered up a brief prayer as he watched the tension he almost hadn't noticed building up drain out of Kara's body. She needs him. Gods, please don't let them frak this up. Please don't let them be Kara and Lee and tear each other apart.

"Okay, so you ate your full ration this morning?"

Kara rolled her eyes at his concerned tone, "Yes, mother."

"Cottle's still on board with the plan?"

"Was here half an hour ago and said I was cleared for take-off."

"What about your hand?"

"The new cast, remember?" Kara waggled her hand encased in heavy plaster in front of his face. "Feels fine when I brace it in the crutch."

"And no issues with your breathing?"

"Nope," Kara answered quickly and purposefully avoided looking at Helo. He didn't ask if I'd been coughing, she told herself. It's not really a lie.

"No light-headedness? How's your leg feeling?"

"Lee! I'm fine! Hand me my crutches and lemmie get out of here!" Kara cried out, half in exasperation, half laughing at his mother hen routine.

"Alright but remember, just a short trip, right? And you have to tell me if you start to feel-"

"Lee!"

"Right, okay."

He crossed the room to retrieve the crutches that were propped up in a corner. Setting them in front of Kara he watched anxiously as she shifted to the edge of the bed and hoisted herself upright on one leg. She wavered and suddenly pitched toward him.

"Kara!" His hands flashed out to catch her but she pulled back, smirking and rolling her eyes.

"Gotcha!" she called over her shoulder as she expertly swung herself towards the door.

"Apollo," Helo's voice caught Lee as he turned to follow her. "Here!"

Helo tossed something small and hard to him from across the bed. Glancing down, Lee recognized the small portable medication inhaler.

"Doc says it's in case she starts coughing, two puffs at the first sign of trouble then one every minute until she stops."

"Thanks, Helo-"

Lee was interrupted by a shout from down the corridor, "Hey Apollo, come make yourself useful and open this frakking hatch, will you?"

"Are you coming?" Lee asked.

"Nope, Ishay has some new torture regiment planned for me and my leg and I'm already late," Helo grimaced. "Which I'm sure means she'll be extra gentle and forgiving."

Lee flashed him a grin. "Good luck with that," he said as he hurried towards the door.

"You kids keep out of trouble now, you hear?" Helo called after them with a chuckle.

Lee watched nervously as Kara hopped through the hatch from the isolation area into the main corridor. His hands itched to reach out and help her but the memory of the black eye he'd received when he gave into that urge the first time Cottle'd let her out of bed to walk down the hall to the washroom held him in check.

She puffed a little, from the exertion, but the grin on her face was worth it. She needs this, he thought to himself as he followed her down the hallway.

At first Kara was surprised that the halls were empty but then she put it together. Lee had planned it this way. He'd been worrying over her outing ever since Cottle had mentioned the possibility. He didn't want her overwhelmed, he didn't want her to push herself, he didn't want her to go too far, he didn't want anything to go wrong; the list of his worries had been endless. And, she had to give him credit, he'd managed to time it in one of the rare quiet breaks on the battlestar.

Ten to fifteen minutes into the watch meant that those on shift were just getting settled at their stations and going over the work ahead of them, no one was running errands or moving about the ship yet. And those off shift were either in their racks, the showers or the mess and, again, not milling about in the causeways. Either way, most of the ship's crew was otherwise engaged giving the two of them lots of room to move around without bumping into anyone or having to stop for greetings and well-wishes. Kara hadn't been looking forward to the overflow of sympathy and pity but the whole point of this excursion was to get out and break up the mind-numbing boredom of sitting in her room for the past two weeks and since it looked like Lee had planned their little walk to avoid chance encounters with anyone along their way, she'd just have to go where the people were on her own. The idea of seeing everyone again left a tight curl of dread in her gut but she ignored it, excusing it as nothing more than a recent lack of socializing and worry over getting back into the rhythm of things without having to answer a million questions about her accident. Mentally shaking her head and dismissing her worries, Kara strode on confidently.

A few minutes later Lee looked up and finally realized where Kara was headed, Frak.

"So, time to start heading back soon," he said, glancing at her face to gauge her response.

She just rolled her eyes, "Cottle said no more than ten minutes on my feet, he didn't say how long we could be out."

"Kara…"

"Come on Lee, I've been stuck in that stupid room for weeks! We'll just stop in at the rec room and see who's around. We won't stay long, okay?"

"Fine," he said grudgingly. The excitement in her eyes made it impossible to refuse her. He tried to calm down, knowing Kara could read him like a book, nothing to worry about, Lee. Everyone knows what happened but they know they're not supposed to talk about it with her, he reassured himself, they're not total idiots. Still, his nerves hummed. It's just because it's her first time out, he explained to himself, that's why I'm nervous. It has to happen sometime, you can't keep her locked up in the isolation room forever. Everything's going to be fine and it will be good for Kara to see some of the other pilots.

She'd had a few visitors during her recovery, but on the advice of Dr. Stofa they'd kept the list limited to a small number of her crewmates, blaming Cottle's strict regulations and his concern over her condition. Lee got the feeling that Kara didn't really buy it but she hadn't protested too much so he figured it she wasn't really into seeing everyone anyway. Today, however, she was obviously excited to see people and enjoy her first furlough from the Life Station.

They stepped into the pilots' rec room and Lee's first thought was one of relief. There were only a handful of his men there, a small group playing triad at a table next to the hatch and a couple of new recruits sitting in the back corner pouring over a dog-eared flight manual.

"Holy shit!" Kat's voice cut through the subdued atmosphere. "If it isn't the long lost hotshot herself!"

Lee tensed at her words but the other card players looked up excitedly and Kara grinned from ear to ear as she closed the short distance to where her fellow pilots sat. Kat smiled and clapped Kara on her shoulder as she offered her once rival her chair. Lee ordered himself to relax as Kara joined their table.

Once Kat had dragged over another chair and everyone was done greeting her, the awkward silence left Kara squirming.

"So, new player gets the deal, right?" she asked, reaching for the cards. 'Hotdog, please tell me that you've finally learned how to bluff and that I'm not going to walk away feeling bad for taking your next three paycheques with me?"

"Of course!" the rookie sat back in his chair and gazed at her calmly.

"I guess that answers my question," Kara quipped, "but I can deal with guilt!"

Everyone laughed and the game picked back up. Trying not to hover, Lee was relieved when Dee came in and joined them at the table.

"Hey Starbuck, good to see you up and about!" she said.

"Hey Dee, it's good to be up and about," Kara grinned. Dee had been one of her more regular visitors and they'd developed a friendship when Kara had found out the Petty Officer had a passion for literature and poetry and had an extensive, if secret, collection of classic volumes stashed in her locker.

"Captain, do you have a minute?" Dee asked, looking up at Lee earnestly. "The Acting Commander needs you to sign off on a few things before next watch."

"Uhm," Lee looked at Kara anxiously.

"I'll be fine, Apollo," Kara offered without even having to turn and see the tension in his face, "It's only been like ten minutes. Go do your CAG stuff then come back and get me. You'll have me back in bed safe and sound before Cottle even thinks to look at the clock."

"You sure?" Lee asked cautiously.

"Of course," Kara replied. No! The voice in her head cried. She ignored it and glanced around the table at the other pilots who were waiting to see if she needed her wetnurse to follow her around. "The chance of Cylon attack in the rec room is pretty minimal, I think. And I promise to behave and wait here until you get back."

She turned then and looked at him. He couldn't read her expression but he knew Kara and knew she'd eat nails before admitting to weakness in front of others. Frak! His hands were tied. He hated to leave her here but if he stayed he'd be sending a loud and clear message that she couldn't handle things on her own.

"I'll just be gone a minute," he said. His eyes locked on hers. I'll be right back, Kara, just hang in until I get back okay? I promise I won't be long! "Don't do anything stupid, I'll be right back."

She watched his eyes for a moment before nodding once and then rolling her eyes for effect, "Yes Mommy, I promise to be a good girl and play nice with the other kiddies until you get back."

"Just a couple of minutes then we have to get you back," he admonished, ignoring her tone and taking no small amount of joy in the genuine happiness he saw in her grin as she turned back to the table. He patted her shoulder companionably, so used to it he barely even noticed her flinch now, before following Dee out of the room.

A few minutes later the general peace of the rec room was disrupted by a jubilant cry. "That's it! You're mine, Bitch, and I'm gonna make you cry!" Hotdog shouted as he threw his cards down on the table after an especially tense round of betting and stabbed his finger at another pilot who was playing with them.

The table went silent. Kat reached over and kicked Hotdog sharply under the table.

"Ow! What?" he cried.

Kara felt the change in the air instantly but was looking at the cards on the table so it was a split-second before she processed what Hotdog had said. Then she heard another voice echoing in her ear, 'you're mine now… I'm gonna make you scream…' and the room spun around her.

She couldn't breathe.

She couldn't think.

Run. Hide. Get the frak out of here!

Before she realized what she was doing, she'd grabbed her crutches and lurched out the door.

Everyone sitting around the table stared at each other.

"Shit! I wasn't think that!" Hotdog cried. "Should I go after her and apologize?"

Kat shook her head vehemently, "No way! You know Starbuck, leave her alone to deal with it and don't bring it up again unless she mentions it first. Get it?"

Hotdog nodded miserably, "I'm so stupid!" He rapped himself on the head with his own knuckles.

"What'd you do this time, Costanza?" asked an amused voice from the doorway. "Wait, where's Kara?" Lee stood still staring at her empty seat.

"She took off," Kat said. "Hotdog said something stupid about Jonez being his bitch and she freaked."

"WHAT?" Lee stared at the miserable pilot in horror.

"I didn't mean to, it just slipped out, I didn't mean that," he stammered.

"Frak me!" Lee cursed as he dashed out of the room.

He paused in the hallway to listen for the steady thump-step of Kara's crutches and debated whether he should take the time to call for Dr. Stoffa now or just get to Kara as quickly as he could. He thought he heard something to his left and any thought other than finding Kara fled from his mind as he tore off down the hallway.

An agonizing handful of moments later, he caught sight of her down a side hallway and he started breathing again. A step closer and the sound of hitching sobs slid through him like an icy knife. He slowed his steps, suddenly uncertain of what to do. He'd been so desperate to find her, to make sure she was okay, he had no idea what to do now that he'd found her.

Stoffa had been clear that they should continue letting Kara come back to her memories at her own pace. She still awoke screaming every night but she never talked about it, never appeared to remember her dreams. It was their tacit agreement that the cold sweats, the crying and the shuddering terror didn't exist beyond the warm huddle they made on her bed in the semi-dark of the artificial night. She never mentioned it and he never brought it up. Nighttime Kara let him hold her, comfort her, and soothe her in a way daytime Kara never would. Daytime Kara would have laughed in his face or punched him, or both, if he ever even considered wrapping her in his arms and crooning to her the way he did when she collapsed shaking against him after one of her horrific dreams. To daytime Kara, nighttime Kara didn't exist. And because Lee knew how desperately she needed to maintain both sides of their relationship, he never challenged its duality.

For weeks they'd carried on like that. During the day they were their old selves, friends and rivals, colleagues and crewmates, who enjoyed teasing each other just as much as they enjoyed spending time together. They played cards with Helo, chatted with Dee and argued historic military strategy with his father. At night, however, everything else disappeared and it was just Kara and Lee wrapped up in their own personal battle against the darkness that beat itself against their souls. Even then they didn't talk much but every embrace, every tear kissed away, every murmur of comfort, wound around them closer and tighter, building up the wall between them and It.

But now here he was, here It was, in the middle of the day. Gods, what do I do? Lee begged silently. Since the gods offered no sign that they had any better idea as to how to handle the situation, Lee approached Kara cautiously, trying to get a look at her face.

Footsteps broke through Kara's choking panic with a sharp spike of fear. Their echo cut through the roaring in her ears that had muffled out all other the sounds of the world around her.

No!

Her head whipped around before she even realized she didn't know what it was she was so afraid of. Her clumsy and distracted limbs bungled the crutches and she felt herself start to topple to one side. Strong hands reached out and caught her, sending a fresh wave of metallic terror skittering up her spine.

No! Gods, please no!

"Kara!"

Someone was calling her name urgently. Someone was shaking her gently.

Someone was staring at her intently. Someone had clear blue eyes. She stopped struggling.

"Lee?" her voice sounded small and far away.

And suddenly, there he was, standing right in front of her, his eyes searching hers anxiously. The haze around her faded and she found herself standing in one of Galactica's familiar side causeways. She felt something loosen in her chest and felt herself start to tremble. "Lee, I…" The panic receded, leaving her confused and disoriented.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a hushed voice.

She nodded absently, taking stock of herself and trying to put the pieces of what just happened back together. She'd been out walking with Lee, then playing cards in the rec room and now here… No, there's something missing there.

"No… I don't know."

She looked up at him, her brow furrowed, until Lee felt, rather than saw, the change come over her.

"Lee," her voice choked in her throat as tears sprang into her eyes. "No, I'm not okay. I need," she held back a sob, "I need you to tell me."

"What do you mean? Tell you what?"

"Please Lee," she clamped her mouth shut as sobs shook through her chest.

Watching Kara crumble before his eyes Lee didn't know what to do but hearing someone approaching down the main hall, he realized he had to get her someone private. She might not care now but Kara would kill him later if she had a meltdown in front of anyone but him. Looking up in desperation, he recognized the doorway on his left with relief.

"Okay, shhhh, it's okay, let's just go in here, okay?" He grabbed her crutches and slung her arm over his shoulder before he half-led, half carried her to the door and into the observation lounge, carefully shutting the hatch behind them.

"Lee, please!" Kara turned to face him. The sobs were under control now but even in the half-light of the empty room Lee could see that her eyes were still dark and stormy.

"Please what? What are you asking me, Kara?"

"I need to know what happened," she glared at him as whispered half-memories flickered at the edge of her mind.

"What happened just now? I don't really know, you were playing cards and apparently Hotdog said something that upset you and-"

"No! Damn it, you know what I mean. I need to know what happened before, what happened in the crash!"

"Kara, I-" Lee shook his head, stalling and trying to figure out a way around what she was asking him to do without actually refusing her.

"Please, Lee," she said, her voice low and desperate, "I need to know. I need to know what really happened."

Voices jumbled in her head and she almost caught hold of one but then it was gone, sliding away and leaving only a vague trace it ever existed. Like trying to remember a dream, the more she tried to think about it, the more she tried to grab hold of one memory, the more it all slipped away. She gritted her teeth in frustration.

"Kara, we've been through this," he begged.

"No, Lee. We haven't." She shook her head and turned away, hop-stepping a few paces. She stared out the large viewing windows without seeing anything. Her voice was thick and she willed herself to stop shaking, "We never really talk about it. No one talks about it but me."

There was a darkness here and she knew she was treading a fine line along its edge but she needed to know. She had to face it and put an end, one way or another, to the half thoughts and almost-remembered flashes she'd done her best to ignore all this time.

"No one talks about that day, no one talks about the blackbird, the damage to the deck or even how Helo messed up his leg so bad. No one talks about what I did or how it happened. No one's explained why I'm still seeing that frakking shrink three weeks after the accident. No one's told me how I ended up spending six weeks in a coma," she turned to face him now.

She needed to see him, to hang on to the image of him, as the darkness loomed. Her palms were sweaty and there was a large boulder suddenly sitting on her chest but she knew that she needed to try. She'd let the darkness take her, if it meant she could stop running.

He crossed the short distance between them, reaching out to put a hand on her arm, "Kara, let's just get you back-"

"No!" she pulled out of his grasp angrily, "No, Lee! You're not putting this off and you're not changing the subject. I know something's going on and I have a right to know what happened to me!" she glared at him.

The fury in her eyes had him putting his hands up and taking a step back.

"I have a right to know why I wake up screaming every frakking night, Lee! I have a right to know why my heart starts pounding like a race horse when I hear footsteps in the hallway and why I jump a mile high when someone drops so much as a book on the floor. I need to-" her voice broke along with his heart as Lee watched the misery climb up and envelope her, "I need to know why I have a constant urge to look over my shoulder, even when I know we're alone in my room. I need to know why Cottle looks at me the way he does, like he wants to wrap me up and take me home like a lost puppy at the pound," she wrapped her arms around her chest, desperately trying to hold on to some kind of control. "I need to know why I have this feeling that something's coming after me, that something's chasing me all the time and why I hate the idea of being alone even for just a minute. And I need," tears slid down her face as she cocked her head to stare at him, "I need to know why you can't bear to touch me, why you have to brace yourself just to put your hand on my shoulder."

Her mouth twisted and her lower lip trembled, "What did I do Lee? What did I do that's so horrible you can't stand to touch me? What did I do that was so bad that I'm walking around terrified all the time?? What did I do, Lee? WHAT DID I DO??" her voice rose almost to a shout.

"Oh, Kara. I-" he shook his head trying to think, trying to push past the fear and anger and guilt that warred within him. "You didn't do anything. You didn't do anything wrong," he managed as he struggled to keep from crying himself.

"Then what happened??" she begged him desperately. "I'm walking around scared out of my frakking wits but no one will tell me why!!"

Lee knew exactly how hard it was for Kara to admit that and exactly how desperate she must be to have done so. He had to do something. "Kara," he reached out again, needing to touch her, to calm her somehow. He stroked his hands up her arms. "Let's get back and call Stoffa and-"

"Lee," she looked up at him, her tortured eyes boring into his, "please, Lee. It's killing me. It's killing me to be this scared all the time. I can't get away from it and I can't take it any more, please," she whispered on the verge of sobbing, "just tell me, Lee. Please."

Lee froze as he stared down at her. Kara felt the darkness breathing down her neck and it took all the strength she had not to just give up, bury her face in Lee's chest and let him sweep it all back under the rug again. She watched as his eyes filled with tears and held his gaze as anguish washed over his face.

"Kara, you didn't crash," he whispered almost apologetically, pressing his lips together as if he hadn't meant for the words to slip between them.

Someone was grinning down at her… A voice was laughing at her tears…

"That night, we took out most of the raiders but you got pulled into the retreat jump of one and…" Lee swallowed, finding strength in the deep green of her eyes.

She was hungry, so hungry… it hurt… the man was laughing again… it really hurt…

"And you were lost…"

There was someone in her cell… she could hear him breathing…

"But you went back to Kobol and found the Astral Queen…"

Oh gods, no! Someone was on top of her, holding her down... NO!!!

"And Zarek and his men-" Lee's voice cracked. He stared down in horror as her face crumpled.

"No!" she hissed as she pulled back from him.

"Kara, wait, it's okay. It's over. You're here now."

'You're here now' the voice growled, 'you're mine now and you're gonna beg for mercy before I'm through with you, bitch!'

Kara felt vomit rising in her throat, "NO!" She shook her head, pulling away from him and hobbling backwards, "No. No, it didn't happen. It didn't happen," she whispered desperately.

Oh gods, Lee thought frantically, what have I done! Panic rose in his chest, his thoughts raced. What do I do?

"Kara, wait-" He reached for her and couldn't stop the sob from breaking through his lips when she flinched away from him. Going on instinct, he stepped forward anyway and placed his hands gently on her arms. Kara looked up at him with a blank stare, her body was shaking under his hands, her face ashen.

Pain, fear, hunger… Gods, it smells... The door's opening! NO! No more! Please!... The belt, not again!… So tired, so sick… Hands grabbing at her, voices taunting her… Not my hand!... Not my eyes!!... NO! HELP ME!... LEE!!!

"No, no," she shook her head blindly. She whispered more to herself than to Lee, "It didn't happen, I wouldn't have let that happen." Her fists clenched at her sides, "No, it's not possible, I wouldn't have let that happen."

He cupped her face in his hands, "Kara!" His voice was rough with tears, "Kara! Hey!" He moved his face into her eye line. "Hey Kara! Listen, it's okay. It happened but it's over. You're here, you're home. You're safe with me, Kara. Come back to me now," he begged as she flinched and shook. "It's okay, you're okay. You're home safe now, Kara. It's me, Lee," she finally held still, her eyes drifted back to his. He offered the best reassuring smile he could muster. "It's okay. It's over now," he murmured earnestly.

Her eyes filled with despair so deep it tore at his heart.

"No, Lee. It's not. It's not over," tears streamed down her cheeks. "It'll never be over. He's still here. All this time, he's been in my head. It'll never be over 'cause I can still hear him." Her voice dropped, "I can still feel him," she whispered darkly, her eyes begging him for help. Begging him to do something, anything. "He's still here because I let it happen, I let them get away with that."

"What?? Kara, of course you didn't. You didn't let them do anything," his voice shook with disbelief. Of all the topics he imagined would come up in this conversation, this was not one of them.

Kara stepped back away from him, swaying a little on her good leg but standing firm, "I didn't stop them. I put up with it for six weeks."

"How could you have stopped an entire ship full of men?" Lee couldn't understand what he was hearing.

"I could have taken myself out of the equation," she said flatly.

The hard and bitter sheen in her eyes turned his blood into streams of ice.

"What? Kara, what do you mean? You mean you wish you'd-"

Her eyes flashed up to his, defiance, grief, rage and disgust flickering in their depths, "Do I mean that I wish I'd died rather than go through all that? Why not? So what if I did, Lee? So what if I had done myself and ended it? If I'd been stronger I would have stopped them. I could have stopped it, at least."

"No, Kara, no! You were strong, you fought them the whole way through it!"

She turned her face away, shaking her head in disagreement.

"Yes. You did. You were fighting right up until Helo got to you. You were! You never gave up and you never gave in. You never let them win!"

"I did Lee. I let them win by staying there. I was too weak to end it and I let them win," the utter despair and shame in her voice almost sent him to his knees.

"No, no, you didn't. Kara, you held on until we got to you. You never gave up hope and you never gave up the fight. I saw you, I saw you there and you were still fighting, you weren't weak. It must have taken more strength than I can even imagine to keep fighting them, to not give up all that time, but you did it. Kara, I know it's a lot to deal with right now but trust me, you don't really wish you'd- you'd died!" He knew she wasn't hearing him but he had to make her see, to make her understand. If he didn't, he didn't know what would happen but he knew it wouldn't be good.

"How do you know what I wish? How the frak do you know anything about me or what I went through, Lee?" her eyes bored into his as she hobbled back towards him aggressively, "I promised myself years ago that I would never be in that situation again, that I would rather die than live like that again. I promised myself that I would be strong enough to get out anyway I could. But now, here we are," she flung her arms out, her voice rising, "and wussy little Kara Thrace let herself get stuck in exactly the same kind of situation. Let herself get locked up and-" the sob slipped out before she could stop it. She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth, desperately trying to hold back the shuddering gasps.

Lee didn't know what to say to the helpless woman standing in front of him. How could he tell her it would be okay? How could make her feel better when he knew he there was nothing he could do to take this pain away. What do you say when there is nothing to say?

"Kara, I-"

"NO!" she shouted, giving him a hard shove in the chest with both her hands. "NO! YOU don't get to say anything, Lee! You don't know! You don't know what it was like and you don't know how it feels so YOU DON'T GET TO SAY ANY-FRAKKING-THING!" she followed him, limping, shoving at his chest for emphasis. "YOU LIED TO ME!" she cried. "You didn't tell me! You keep it all a frakking secret! But I KNEW IT! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG!" She swung and her fist connected with his jaw. He did nothing to stop that blow or the next. "You pretended everything was fine LEE! And you didn't tell ME!" She was sobbing and swinging at him, her voice shrill and cracking. "You didn't tell me! You didn't tell me! You didn't tell me! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME! YOUDIDN'TTELLMEYOUDIDN'TTELLMEYOUDIDNNNNNTT…" she dissolved into wordless cries as she struck out at him until finally, her arms slowed and she collapsed. Lee quickly stepped in, catching her as she fell, and lowered them both to the floor. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap, rocking her gently.

"Shhh," he murmured. "Shhh, Kara, hush now. It's okay. It's okay, I've got you."

She sagged against his chest. "Why didn't you tell me, Lee?" she sobbed hoarsely.

"It's all been so crazy, Kara. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt you. I just-"

He looked down at her, his mind empty, his heart overflowing. He pulled her close, tucking her against his chest, and murmured into her hair, "I don't know, the doctor said it was best and I was so scared, so afraid I'd hurt you even more if I did- I didn't know- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Her slight frame shook with violent sobs. He tightened his hold on her and automatically slipped into the soothing croon he'd gotten used to using to lull them both back to sleep, murmuring anything that came to his mind, "Father Zeus and brother Apollo, grant us your grace this day." He barely noticed Kara muttering along with him, "Shelter us with your love and lead us with your wisdom. Forgive us our failures and celebrate with us our victories. Protect us from evil and heal our wounds. Feed us and guide us and grant us peace. So say we all."

Lee sat with Kara in the middle of the large empty room, rocking her and doing his best to absorb her sobs. He sat there, curled on the cold floor with her sobbing against him, and felt a wave of relief wash over him. At least now it's over, he thought as he realized that whatever pain this episode had brought, at least the wait for Kara to remember was over. What they were going to do now, he had no idea, but at least the waiting was over.

Lee sighed and wrapped his arms a little tighter around Kara. Gradually, her sobs lessened from violent bursts to a gentle rhythm and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head, content to sit there all day if she needed him to. As he looked up and gazed out at the stars they both loved so dearly he could have sworn he felt a fresh breeze carrying a familiar floral scent drift briefly across his face.

Whew, so there you have it, I finally got back to the heart of the angst. How was it? To tell you the truth, I was really nervous about posting this chapter. I didn't want to say anything in the introduction and spoil it but after all that build up, I really, really, didn't want to let you guys down. This is where the whole story's been leading and it's kind of hard to commit, write and publish it when there's always a lot of different ways to go with everything. Plus, it's not easy stuff to write about and it's tricky to write Kara and Lee being openly vulnerable since it's not usually part of their characters.

So anyway, it is what it is and I'm dying for some feedback!! I really want you to be absolutely brutally honest with me. Really and truly, channel your inner Starbuck and lemmie have it, no holds barred. I have no problem pulling it down and re-writing it if it's not up to snuff and I'd rather know it wasn't good enough and have the chance to fix it than move on and have the whole story lessened by this piece.

As always, thanks for reading, hope to hear from you soon!

-Pru