Chapter Twenty One: You Wait For Rain
It rained for days after Eric had left. The thunder could be heard for miles, lightning flashing across the sky angrily. The rain would pelt against the window of my bedroom constantly, the sun hiding behind dark grey clouds that painted the sky. I would just stare out the window from where I laid in my bed, my eyes blurring with the wet windows, my own tears falling nearly as hard as the rain. Time meant absolutely nothing to me anymore. It was almost like I was back in the In-Between. Everything felt grey and lifeless, just like those two weeks had been. I almost wished I was back there, with the annoying reaper driving me insane. I'd much rather Death's desire to enslave me for eternity than to feel this heartache for another day. But I was stuck here, forced to endure this pain. It was horrible. It felt like a dull fork was stabbing me in the heart. It was painful and drawn out. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted it all to stop. I didn't want to feel like I couldn't breathe, like my entire world was crashing down around me. I didn't want to feel like some pathetic girl crying over a boy. But he wasn't just a boy. He was Eric Northman, he was the love of my life, my soul mate, the only reason I had chosen life over death. And he had just left me, just like that, like it was the easiest decision for him to make.
I tried to remember that night on the porch, the night he had left. But everything felt hazy, like the details were forgotten. Maybe that was better. Maybe not remembering the painful good bye was better. I wouldn't have to remember watching him turn and just walk away. It would be easier that way.
Or so I thought. But nothing was easy anymore. Nothing mattered. What was the point of being happy? I loved him. I loved him with all of my heart and now he was gone. Even if he returned, he wouldn't want me; he wouldn't come back and beg for my forgiveness. Eric had left and that was that. I was alone, and I knew I would forever be alone. I couldn't love any other. Eric was my one and only. I had lost my virginity to him so many years ago, and even though I had been confused by my feelings for Godric for a bit, it had always been Eric. Even when I hated him, it was still him, and it always would be. There would never be another individual who could replace him, and I truthfully didn't want to replace him. It hurt, this was the most painful experience I've ever gone through, but just forgetting him, finding another and pretending Eric never existed, that was just too much, I couldn't bear to do that.
"I'm worried about her, Sam." I could hear Sookie's worried tone from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
It was the same thing she had said since the day Eric left. I had hardly left the room, only to go to the bathroom and force down minimal amounts of food. I just didn't have an appetite. I didn't have much of anything anymore. Nothing mattered; nothing made me feel a tad bit better. Not even when Godric came by in an attempt to comfort me. Nothing worked, and part of me didn't want anything to. Because the moment I started to feel okay, the moment I started to move on, that really would be the end of our relationship and part of me wanted to hold onto him for as long as I possibly could.
"She just needs time." Sam assured her, like he had in response every single day.
"I hate him for this. How could Eric do this to her?"
At the mention of Eric's name, I felt the tears sliding down my cheeks, matching the weather outside perfectly. I tried to draw my focus on the outside world, noticing that it was now night. It wouldn't be long before Godric would be here, offering his words of comfort. Part of me didn't want to see him. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to acknowledge the pain. I just wanted to be left alone in this room, cut off from the rest of the world.
"Godric's here." I heard Sam's voice and inwardly sighed.
It wasn't long before I heard the soft tapping on the door, Godric's low voice wafting into the room.
"Elizabeth?"
I didn't answer. I never answered. He would come into the room eventually and sit on the bed beside me. He would run his hand up and down my back every so often, mumbling soft words of comfort. He would do that all night before either I fell asleep or dawn came. I had tried to pretend falling asleep, but that hadn't worked. Godric knew me a bit too well.
As I predicted, Godric did slip into the room, closing the door behind him. Sookie had never tried to enter, giving me the space I was grateful for. I didn't want to see her like this. Because I would only break down if I tried to speak, if she tried to hug me and assure me everything was going to be alright.
"My sweet girl, how are you today?" I felt Godric sit on the bed beside me, my turned back facing him. His hand reached over, brushing away the tears that were silently slipping down my cheeks before smoothing down my tangled hair. "I miss seeing that smile of yours."
I didn't anything. I just laid there staring at the pouring rain outside. There was a flash of lightning that lit up the entire room before it was masked in darkness once again.
"Have you eaten lately?" he asked worriedly.
I knew better to ignore his question. He had gotten frustrated the other day when I hadn't given him any sign if I had eaten or not. And while part of me didn't want Godric to be here, another part of me didn't want him to ever leave. Because I feared one day, he would run off just like Eric did and I would truly be alone. So I shook my head slightly, knowing he would see the response, before focusing back on the window. Godric sighed beside me, his hand still running through my hair, tugging out whatever tangle he came across. It was soothing in a way, I would admit that. It wasn't comforting enough to make everything go away, or for the pain to magically disappear. But it did cease the tears, at least for now.
"You need to eat, Elizabeth." His voice was soft. "You need to leave this bedroom."
"I do." I found myself speaking without a second thought, my voice raspy from not speaking in days.
"Going to the bathroom does not count."I felt him shift on the bed until he was lying on his side, his arm sliding around my waist and tugging me against his chest. He was a vampire, and his touch was cold. But when I was wrapped in his arms, there was a warmth that flowed between us. I wondered if that was due to my powers, but I wasn't in the mood to ask. I wasn't in the mood for anything. I just wanted to grieve in peace.
"Will you at least eat something? Sookie prepared something for you." He asked hopefully. "You need to eat. Please, Elizabeth, for me?"
I heard the desperation in his voice, and I knew that as the days passed, this was wearing him out. He came every single night the moment the sun dipped below the horizon and stayed nearly the entire night. He was used to watching Eric walk away. I'm sure it hadn't been the first time in a thousand years that he's done so. But he wasn't used to seeing me like this. He wasn't used to seeing me in this state. I didn't exactly blame him. He didn't need to come check up on me. Nothing had changed, not in the last few days. And yet he did come, and he put himself through this, hoping one night I would come to my senses and leave this room or talk about it all. He didn't force me to do anything. He never once threatened me to eat or to talk. He merely asked, begging for me to confide in him. And a small part of me did want to. It was hard, keeping it all inside. But the thought of going through that night, of speaking about Eric this soon, it just hurt so much.
But eating, it was the least I could do for him.
"Okay." I mumbled.
Godric sighed in relief. "Do you want to go out and see Sookie?"
I shook my head. If I was going to eat anything, I would do so in the confines of this room. Godric must have known that, as moments later he left the room, only to return not even a minute later with a plate that he set on the bedside table. I stared at it for a moment before sighing and pushing myself up into a sitting position. It was dark, and I could barely see a foot in front of my face until Godric flicked on the lamp in the room. I didn't risk looking up at Godric and just wiped at my eyes before grabbing the plate and setting it on my lap. I ate silently and slowly, Godric not saying a word. He sat on the bed before me, his eyes boring into me. But he didn't speak once. He just let me eat in peace. And I was thankful for that.
"You look far too pale, Elizabeth." Godric finally spoke as I set the half eaten dinner back on the nightstand and settled against the pillows on the bed. "You need to eat more."
"I'm fine." I stared down at my hands in my lap, though we both knew that was a lie.
"You're not fine. And that's okay." He reached over and grasped both of my hands in his. "No one is expecting you to be alright."
I shook my head, not wanting to get into this. Not now, not ever. I just wanted it all to go away.
"The pain, it's not going to just go away. It can't. You'll always love him." he sighed, squeezing my hands gently. "But that doesn't mean you can't be happy."
I wanted tell him to leave me alone, that he didn't know what he was talking about. But that was just it. He did know what he was talking about. If anyone knew a thing or two about losing the one you loved, it was him. He had lost Kyra after centuries of being with her. But then again, 1400 years later and he still was not over her. How did he expect me to get over Eric after only a few days?
"He doesn't want you to be miserable."
That did it. I couldn't just hold my tongue at that comment. I couldn't just remain silent and wish everything away.
"He left me, Godric, of course he wants me to be miserable." I snapped while glaring at him.
"You know that's not true." Godric shook his head.
"He left. He just left and didn't care. He made me miserable. If he didn't want that, then he would have stayed." I yanked my hands out of his grasp and crossed my arms.
"Elizabeth..."
"I don't want to talk about this, Godric." I turned my head to the side, refusing to look him in the eye. "You can just leave."
It was the most talking I've done in days, and I could feel my throat aching. But I couldn't just sit back and let Godric defend Eric's actions.
"I'm only trying to help."
"Well you're not."
I heard him sigh again before he got off the bed. He stood there for a moment, and as I eyed him out the corner of my eye, it looked like he wanted to say something. But instead, he shook his head and began around the bed, making his way towards the door. Before he left, he stopped and looked over his shoulder at me, though I kept my gaze on the wall.
"He loves you, Elizabeth. You may not want to hear that, but he does. And one day, he'll realize the mistake he made and he'll come back to you. But until then, you need to make the decision on whether you're going to waste away your life in this room, or move on."
"I can't just move on." I shook my head
"Then at least find yourself. You've gone through so many ordeals since the moment I met you three years ago. Find yourself, search for who you are, look for the happiness I know you desire. You don't have to let him go. You don't have to move on. But you need to live your life, with or without Eric being a part of it."
I didn't say anything in return, and a few moments later, he left the bedroom. The moment the door closed behind him, my shoulders slumped forward and the tears welled up in my eyes. I was alone again. I thought I had wanted that. I thought I wanted to stay in here alone for the rest of my life, to push away the rest of the world. But as soon as Godric had left, it felt like a part of me had followed him right out of the room. I just felt cold and empty, wishing there was some way to feel whole again. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to smile and laugh and not have to deal with any of this. But how was I supposed to do that? How was I supposed to just go on in live without Eric?
"How is she?" I heard Sookie ask.
"She's getting worse." Godric answered sadly.
"Is that even possible?" Sookie sighed, obviously worried about my well being.
"I'm afraid it is. I can't exactly blame her. I'm not the greatest role model for her. There are still times that I don't believe I'm over Kyra. I can't just expect her to get over Eric so quickly. Neither of us can."
"I just wish there was something we could do for her. I'm so worried about her, Godric." The sound of Sookie's voice almost made me break down completely.
"All we can do is be patient. One day she'll walk out of that room and be a whole other person. We just need to wait for that day."
I wondered if that day would ever come.
That day didn't come. Not for awhile. Weeks began passing. I wasn't exactly sure. Time felt different being cooped up in a room. It could have been months for all I knew. I still hardly left the room, only to use the bathroom before hurrying back into my room. I only ate when Sookie left a plate by my door and I would open it and slide it in. I knew I was being a handful, and I was surprised neither Sookie nor Sam hadn't stormed into the room already and dragged me out kicking and screaming. In fact, I was surprised Godric hadn't done just that. But the ancient vampire hadn't been around since the last time we had spoken, and I couldn't help but miss his presence. Had I pushed him away? Had he left just like Eric had? I didn't want to think that way, but my mind was making every possible assumption, thinking the absolute worse.
I sighed as I lay in the middle of the bed, my eyes staring up at the white ceiling. It was the middle of the day, the sun shining through the closed blinds. It had stopped raining long ago and part of me wished it hadn't. I could relate to the rain, to the dark gloomy clouds. With the sun though, it was taunting me, reminding me of days that were so much simpler. Days before I had ever fallen in love with Eric, days that I had shared with my brother before the trouble in my life began. Everything came falling apart after his death. I wished I could go back in time and change that, to have Matt here with me. He would know what to do, what to say. He always had. I desperately wished I could have talked to him.
I laid there for hours, not realizing the sun had gone down until I thought I heard the sound of Godric's voice. I sat up, a frown on my face as I listened, just waiting for him to come into my room. But I never heard his footsteps, or his voice getting closer. In fact, I waited a good ten minutes before realizing he wasn't coming to see me at all. And for some reason, that rattled me. He hadn't come at all for the longest time, making me feeling horrible and even more pained than before, and then when he does show up, he seems to forget I even exist. What was wrong with him? If he thought this was helping, he certainly didn't know anything about me.
Annoyed and wanting to know what he was saying, I pushed myself out of the bed, my bones cracking as I did so. I ignored the slight ache in my body as I shuffled across the room and laid my ear against the door.
"It's been a couple of weeks, Godric." Sookie spoke.
"She needs time, Sookie. I'm giving her that time." Godric sighed.
"I don't think she needs time away from you though. I heard what she said the last time you were here, but I really think you just being here helps her. She doesn't want to lose you too." Sookie sounded worried. "I heard her, Godric. Her mental walls, they're down. I can hear her sometimes. You disappearing, that's not helping anything at all."
I was surprised to hear that. Sookie could hear me? I couldn't remember many times she had been able to hear my thoughts, my mental walls too strong. But I also had been a complete mess since Eric left. My strength, both mentally and physically, weren't as they should have been. It didn't surprise me, when I thought about it, that my mental walls had crumbled down during this.
"She doesn't want to talk. And I won't force her to. But she needs to. She needs to talk to someone. If she doesn't want to talk to me, then I'm alright with that. But she can't stay in that room for the rest of her life."
"I agree with you, but I still don't think you should have just disappeared. She's missed you, Godric. She thought you just left like Eric did." She must have heard that, as it really was what I had been thinking all this time.
"And I feel terrible for that. But perhaps one day she'll realize everything she'll miss if she stays in that room. It's harsh, and I don't want to put her through anymore pain. But she needs tough love, Sookie. She can't stay in that room. She needs to eat; she needs to know she can be happy again. If I have to be a bit harsh for that to happen, then I'm alright with that. I wish there was someone there for me when I lost Kyra." Godric preached, and for whatever reason, that just fuelled an anger I wasn't even sure I had inside of me.
"I'm right here. When she wants to talk, then I'll be ready to listen. But she has to make the first step, I can't force her to."
I couldn't take hearing this anymore. Without even thinking about it, or caring how hideous I must have looked, I threw open the door with such force, it banged against the wall loudly. The chatter downstairs stopped, and I knew there was an audience waiting for me. I stormed right out of the room, my eyes adjusting quickly to the bright light in the hallway. I stomped down the stairs, a furious expression on my face as I walked right into the living room where Godric was already on his feet and waiting for me.
"I'm glad you've ventured out of your room." He offered me a smile.
And I just slapped that smile right off his face.
"What the hell is wrong with you!" I yelled, not caring to keep my voice down. The nearest neighbour Sookie had was Bill and he wasn't exactly around these days.
"Elizabeth." He rubbed his cheek where there was now a burning handprint. Well it seemed I hadn't lost all my strength over the last few weeks. My powers still erupted when I was highly emotional, and this was certainly one of those times.
"You want me to talk? Well here's me damn well talking!" I was clenching my hands at my sides. "What the hell is wrong with you? You can't just fucking disappear whenever the hell you want to!"
"I apologize for that, Elizabeth. I was only giving you space."
"I don't fucking want space from you Godric! I don't want space from anyone!" I was seeing red as I stood there. I felt a familiar warmth beginning to spread through me and I did what I could to try and control the power that would soon begin flowing.
"I know, and I'm sorry for what Eric has done to you but..."
"Don't but me!" I growled. "You can't just come around, trying to comfort me, and then disappear for weeks. That's not fair, Godric! I lost Eric; you can't make me believe that I've lost you too."
"Maybe it would help you realize that you cannot stay in that bedroom for the rest of your life." He pointed out with a calm expression on his face. An expression that I was itching to slap off. "I understand you're hurt, and you have every right to be. But pushing everyone away will not help anything."
"Fuck you, Godric." I spat. "Fuck you."
He sighed and shook his head. "I love you, Elizabeth. I've always cared about you, since the moment I brought you into my life. I don't want to see you like this. I'm afraid of what this might do to you."
"Oh now you seem to care. You didn't yesterday, or the day before that, or every other day you haven't been here." I narrowed my eyes. "Don't preach to me about moving on and all that crap, Godric. You're not even fucking over Kyra yet! 1400 years and you're still walking around whining about it!"
There was a flicker of hurt and anger that flashed in his eyes before he masked it. But I just didn't care. There was no stopping the words that were sprouting out of my mouth at the moment.
"I hate you." There was such venom in my voice. And honestly, I don't even think it was all towards him. Part of me was just so angry with Eric for doing this to me, for leaving and breaking my heart. I was just so angry that everything I was feeling, it was coming out full force and directed at the only other vampire I knew. "I hate you so much Godric."
"I'm only trying to help, Elizabeth." He bowed his head.
"If it wasn't for you, Eric and I never would have known one another. But you just pushed and pushed and forced us together. I could have been so much happier without him, but no, you just had to meddle and ruin everything!" I sent one of my curled fists right into his chest. It did absolutely nothing. He didn't move an inch, he didn't flinch. He just stood there as I shoved my other fist into his chest. "If it wasn't for you, I never would have fallen in love with him."
"He's your soul mate, it would have happened one way or another." He reasoned, not making a move to stop me as I just pounded his rock hard chest. It hurt me more than anything, but I just couldn't stop. I needed to hit something, to hit someone. All my anger, all the pain and hurt that was bubbling inside of me, it had just boiled over, flowing like it had never flowed before.
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" I could feel the tears beginning to stream down my face as I hit him. "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't feel like this!"
"I'm sorry."
I shook my head and just hit him until my hands tired. And even then I continued to hit him. It wasn't until his hands rose to my wrists, stopping my fists in mid air, that I stopped.
"I hate you." But the venom was long gone. I sounded like a broken hearted girl who just needed the man she loved but couldn't have them. And that was exactly who I wanted. I just wanted Eric. I needed him.
It just wasn't fair.
"I know sweetheart. I'm sorry." I felt his cool fingers brushing away what tears he could.
But it was no use. They only flowed harder, my whole body shaking to a point that my legs couldn't hold me up any longer. An arm slid around my waist, guiding me softly to the ground as I sobbed, every single emotion taking over me.
"I hate him." I sobbed out.
"I know you do. He hates himself, I'm sure of it." he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest as I just cried.
"Why did he do this to me?" I couldn't stop the sobs that were racking my body, the tears that were flowing harder than the rain had ever poured during those few days.
"I wish I knew, Elizabeth." He rubbed my back, holding me to him tightly.
I wish I knew too. Because maybe then I could have done something. Maybe then I could have stopped him. And then I wouldn't have felt this horrible aching in my heart, knowing I had lost Eric forever.
A/N: It's been a little bit since the last chapter, so sorry about that. This chapter was just hard to write for so many reasons. for one, I just couldn't get this chapter right. I wrote the beginning part so many times only to not feel it was right and delete it. and secondly, some of you may know from when I updated my other true blood fic, but there was a death in the family and writing heavy chapters isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world. But it's been raining like crazy here (though not as bad as the US) and I got inspired to write this. so i hope you like! and I do promise, there will be some lighter times coming up. there's a happy ending at the end, so we're moving towards that. oh, and if you're a fan of the books, there's a few characters popping into Bon Temps very soon that you'll be familiar with.