Chapter 21

Falling's Tomb

The Jelloship came to an open space. Broken columns lay tumbled across the floor. Spandalf lifted his Maglite. "Let me risk a little more light."
The Maglite glowed brighter, almost magically. "Oooh," Hairy said, "Risque!"
Spandalf looked at him and supressed the urge to hit him. The light illuminated a giant stone hall with tall pillars and arched ceilings.
"Oh my stars!" Hefty said.
"What did you just say?" Eggolas asked.
"Now there's an eye opener and no mistake." Spam said, mouth agape.
"You're entertained easily." Hal said.
The Jelloship walked forward through the hall, peering around a column. Hefty saw a ray of sunlight shining through a chamber and ran towards it, making an awkward noise.
"Hefty!" Spandalf said, but he was too late. Hefty was dead.
There was the sound of a plane above the Jelloship and a white something fell from the plane. The white something was a parachute, attached to which was another Hefty.
Hefty landed. "Hello! I am Hefty, son of Lefty! I understand your Hefty, son of Lefty has just recently perished mysteriously."
Spandalf was weirded out. "Yeah… He's right there in fact."
"No matter. Where was I? or… where was he?" He giggled, and ran into the room with the light streaming from it.
Hefty ran into the chamber. Bodies and weapons were scattered about it. The Dwarf stopped and knelt by a crypt in the center of the room. A shaft of light illuminated it.
Spandalf walked forward and peered at the tomb's surface.
Hefty groaned and cried. It was evident by his crying that he never had participated in crying before. He wasn't used to it. "No! No, no, no!"
Spandalf translated the tomb from Dwarvishianlandic to Menish, "'Here lies Falling, son of Fricking, Lord of Gore-ya.' He is dead then. Good and dead. It's as I feared."
Hefty tried to cry again. Still didn't work.
Spandalf gave his stick and hat to Pimple, bent down, and took a large, battered book from a dead guy's hands. He opened it and every single page fell out. "Oh, come on!"
Eggolas leaned over to Peppercorn. "Why are we still here? This place gives me the creeps."
Spandalf read, ""'They have taken the bridge… and the second hall. We have barred the gates… but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums… drums… in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark.'"
Pimple stumbled back and sees a corpse with an arrow in its chest, sitting by a stone well. He turned towards it. "Hey, baby. Come here often?" Pimple asked it.
"'We cannot get out…'" He glanced at the last, single line, a scrawl fading out at the bottom of the page. Spandalf looked up in the uncomfortable silence. "'They are coming!' Gandalf read. Gimli wailed again."
Lardo looked confused. "What book is that?"
Spandalf showed Lardo the cover. "The Fellowship of the Ring, J. R. R. Tolkein."
Lardo took it into hand. "Weird."
There was a loud crashing sound like the sound of a fully armored corpse falling down a mile deep well into a mine of metal ore. Everyone looked to Pimple automatically.
Pimple's face was frozen, his lips puckered at the open air, his arm suspended as if over a shoulder.
Spandalf yelled, "Fool of a Fook! Go to a monastary!"
Drums are heard booming. Spandalf slowly turned back, and Pimple turned as well, staring down into the well. Well.
More drums are heard booming. Spam turned to Lardo, "Lardo!"
Lardo drew Sting. It was glowing blue. He sheathed it again. "Spandalf. My sword is sick."
Hal leaned out the door way. A giant, giant arrow nearly took his head off. "They have a cave Troll." He said calmly as he took his head back in. "And I wet myself."
Eggolas hopped back a step.
The Blobbits ran away, deeper into the tomb room.
Eggolas drew nine arrows and nocked them.
Peppercorn drew one, and looked at Eggolas with a newfound admiration.
Hal and Spandalf flanked the archers each with a sword. Hal also had a sheild cuz he was cool.
Hefty desecrated his loved one's grave by standing on his tomb, "Lethecu…" he babbled. Everyone looked at him.
The doors erupted as Porks escorted a hugely tall tan creature with a shock of pink hair that doubled its height. It was a Troll.
Eggolas fired all nine of his arrows. He killed 36 Porks. Not in all. 36 with each arrow.
With nothing else to do, the Jelloship looked at each other. "Ok." Spandalf said. "Now that there aren't any more Porks… let's take on the Troll."
Peppercorn looked at the Troll. "How can we kill something so huge?"
"Don't you know the weakness of Trolls?" Hefty asked.
"Fire! Fire melts plastic!" Hal said.
"It's made of plastic?" Lardo said as he jumped out. The Troll whipped out a spear and stabbed him into the wall.
Everyone looked at the Troll. "Jerk!" Hairy and Pimple shouted as they jumped out from their hiding place with some sausages they stashed away. They jumped on the Troll's head and threw their sausages down. They then jumped down to the ground.
Peppercorn looked at them. "Sausages don't work on Trolls! It works on Douguls because they're all allergic to sausage. It makes them burst into flames."
"That's my dad's name!" Hal said.
Spam walked out of an adjoining room, holding fire. "Hey! What should I do with this?"
Everyone stared at him. "Where did you get that?" Spandalf asked.
"No matter!" Peppercorn said. "Throw it at the Troll before it…" Peppercorn looked at the Troll. It hadn't moved since it had stabbed Lardo. Speaking of. He looked at Lardo. He was still overreacting, making faces and annoying noises. "Throw it on the Troll!"
Spam threw the fire at the foot of the Troll, but it went out before it touched. "Dang." Spam said.
"Well, that's just great." Eggolas said. "What are we gonna do now? I used all nine of my arrows!"
"And I desecrated a grave, so I'll probably have a ghost spoiling my plans of killing this Troll!"
The Troll looked down. "You want to kill me?"
"Well, yeah!" Spandalf said. "You almost killed our fat little buddy over there!" Lardo fell down.
The Troll welled up and started to cry. He ran out of the room.
The Jelloship watched the Troll run away and then they went over to Lardo.
"Lardo! Are you alive?" Peppercorn yelled, shaking Lardo.
"Yeah." Lardo said. "I'm ok. That didn't hurt much!"
"What?! The Troll stabbed you with a giant, giant spear!"
"Yeah. I dunno. It must have been something with this new shirt that Blubbo tried to kill me with!" Lardo took off his old shirt to show everone his new silver shirt.
"Oh my!" Hefty said, putting both hands over his mouth. "Could it be?"
Everyone looked at Hefty.
"It's Methril! Nothing can break it! Except six swords made of diamond all applied to the same point. But what are the odds of that?"
There was a weird, Asian sounding roar.
"Uh-oh." Spandalf said. "We better get out of here fast!"
"What is it?" Hal asked.
"Not now. Later. To the Bridge of Cuzi'mdumb! Hurry!"