Ch. 21 – Reckoning

Suddenly, all my guilt, anger and sympathy are too much to handle. I burst out crying and fall to my knees. I'm sobbing with so much feeling that I can't stop my tears and emotions from flowing for at least three minutes. Edward looks confused and remorseful as he watches my meltdown. He quickly tosses the belt to the floor with disgust.

Then the man eagerly gets down on his knees as well. OMG! We're face to face now. After a while, he slowly and carefully takes his hand and pets my head and shoulder. There are tears in his eyes too. In a few seconds more, he takes me into his arms and hugs me gingerly. Edward looks into my gaze with utmost care. There's sympathy mixed with fear in his expression. Then he lowers his voice and begs me.

"No. Please don't leave, Anastasia…I'm so very sorry I hit you. I was wrong to belt you. Don't cry, baby."

That gives me a chance to regroup. Maybe we can salvage this situation somewhat. "I'm sorry too. I betrayed your trust. I feel awful about it. Forgive me."

"Yes, I know. We've both done things wrong as far as trust goes."

"You should hate me for showing so much concern for Jose."

"I should but I don't. I understand, I think."

"You do?"

"Can we talk now, please?"

"Let's go to your bedroom, then." I suggest this because I want to be as far away from this spot as possible. The Red Room of Pain does nothing for me.

He nods slowly and even smiles a little at me. His mood swings are giving me whiplash.

I open the door of his torture chamber and lead the way out. All I know for sure is that I never want to visit it again. I realize that I asked for a belting as a way of assuaging my guilt over what I told Jose. It didn't help. I was wrong once again about that move. This small sample of his BDSM world convinces me that we need to approach the matter from an entirely different perspective.

We nearly run downstairs together while wrapped in our waffle robes. As soon as we re-enter his master suite, the mood shifts. There's a warm and glowing light from the skyscrapers and city-scape of Seattle that creates an uplifting atmosphere here in the bedroom. It calms me immediately. My whole body feels relieved.

Edward comes to my side with the most penitent look on his face that I've ever seen.

"Let me put some Arnica cream on your skin, Ana."

I nod my agreement and walk toward the floor to ceiling window view of the financial district that's displayed below us in its full glory. At the moment, I feel like the master of his universe. I loosen my belt and let the robe fall open as I concentrate on what I hope will happen next. Edward's at my side within a minute. He's got a tube of the soothing balm in his hand.

"Do you mind if I apply some of this stuff to your skin? I promise I'll be gentle." He asks this of me with the most endearing look on his face. I'd describe it as almost boyish. His manner is hesitant and so unlike what I'd expect of Edward that it floors me. I think he looks like a young teenage boy at the moment.

"Please." I gesture with my left arm flung wide and in order to open myself to his ministrations. He looks grateful for the chance to soothe me.

Then Edward proceeds to systematically apply the cool mint gel to my backside with the utmost care. He uses long but light strokes on every inch of my ass. He's breathing carefully while standing less than three inches from my body. When he's done with the balm, he carefully pulls my robe around me again and ties the belt loosely around my waist.

He stares into my eyes for a clue to my reaction. I look back at him with confidence. Perhaps I'm taming the beast.

"Does that feel better now?" He asks me this while swallowing his words. The anxiety emanating from Edward is more than evident now.

"It's starting to. I may need some anti-inflammatories too. I'm ready to find out more about this situation with your ex."

He nods and then takes a few of the magic tablets from a small plastic container in his pocket. I pop them into my mouth and swallow without drinking any water. He runs to his master bath to get me a quarter-filled glass of water. I drink it quickly and give him a wry smile.

Edward's got the most serious and sad look on his face that I've ever seen. "What do you want to talk about exactly?"

"I want to know why you need to whip and beat women. What happened with Elena Lincoln to make this sadistic practice so appealing to you, Grey?"

"Would you like to sit in my tub chairs? I've got some videos from Dr. Flynn that we can watch. I was going over them recently. It'll help put things in perspective. Promise me one thing, though. Don't leave me, Ana. I can't tell you how much I need you."

I nod slowly and look at him with care.

There's a small circular seating area by the doors leading to his balcony. At the moment, the sliders are closed to keep out the evening chill. The area consists of two blue leather circular chairs that are designed to wrap around the occupant of the seat like a horseshoe. Each chair turns on a base. They surround a small table. For the first time, I notice a computer monitor on the table. We walk toward it. I sit in one of them. Chosen at random.

"Alright, Edward. I'd like to see some of the videos."

He sits in the adjoining chair and uses a small remote device to activate both the built in DVD player and the screen. He scans through the discs until he finds just the right content. He lets out a small breath and then turns toward me using the spinning component of his seat. He sits back in his tub chair to observe my reactions and pushes the play button.

The screen and disc flash to life instantly. I see much younger versions of Edward and John interacting in what appears to be Flynn's office. I'd peg my companion at around the age of 18 in these films. He looks more than tense though. The men are seated on two small love seats facing one another.

The video begins with a voice over of the date and time. Then Dr. Flynn comes on the screen and gives the interview a context. "Interview with Mr. Grey after one year of cognitive and behavioral therapy for his sex addiction."

"Why did you agree to a sexual relationship with a much older woman for your initiation? And why BDSM?" Flynn asks with a neutral tone to his voice.

Edward pauses and looks a bit ashamed. "She reminded me of my birth mother with her attitude. It felt right to be with Elena because…I was used to how my mother treated me. She ignored me most of the time. Then let her pimp burn and insult me when it suited him. She never protected me."

"So you wanted a woman who might have been your mother's age, had she lived, to hurt you. Order you around?"

"Yeah. I felt excited when she roughed me up. That turned me on. It brought me back to childhood. When Mrs. Lincoln demanded a sexual performance from me, I felt that it cleansed me of all the hatred and anger I felt toward both my mother and her pimp of a manager."

"When you had a sexual release with your older lover, it felt liberating? Is that right?"

"Yes. Absolutely. I could let out all that resentment, at last."

"So having a BDSM relationship with a cougar, for nearly the past three years, has been the right fit for you?"

"Until recently, yes, that's exactly what I felt I needed and wanted…But not anymore."

"What's changed, Edward?"

"I'm not sure how it happened but now I feel that I've had enough of the sub role. Maybe EL's helped me get the loss of control out of my system. And you've helped too, Flynn."

John chuckles then. "I certainly hope so. We've worked through so much during this past year."

"I do think you're right. All of your therapies have finally had an impact on me. There's a new part of my personality developing. One that wants to be take charge. Not just sexually. I want to call the shots in my life, now."

"I see this change and development as a good one. You're shifting away from a passive role to one that's more active. You're maturing in your own way. The term I like to use is what's called the 'internal locus of control'. Before this change, you felt more like a vessel, Grey. You had an 'external locus of control'. That's sometimes referred to as the victim mentality."

Flynn makes the observation sound very profound. I love this therapist.

"I'll always be grateful to Elena for what she's done with me and for me. She was the best possible sex partner for me during the past three years. Now I'm going to reverse the roles. But not with her. I no longer find her Domme methods satisfying. My internal locus of control, as you say, wants to change the game."

"Now that you're ready to take charge of your sex life, will you break it off with Mrs. Lincoln? You know. Completely, as it were?"

"Oh no. We've got too much shared history for that. Besides, I really like having sex. I love that feeling of release…from tension and stress. Elena's promised to provide me with young women who are only too willing to function as my subs. There's a club she uses to meet prospective clients at called The Submissive. We're going to work together there. She'll find me suitable partners to fuck while I'll help her earn a generous income. There's always a crop of young men she can meet there too. She has her needs, of course."

"Would it be right to say that the two of you are now like mother and son?"

"In some perverse way, yes. With your help, I've been launched out of the nest. She's still there to guide me with my sex life, but it's taken on a new direction. One that doesn't involve her directly."

"How does Mrs. L guide you now? Other than providing you with submissive sex partners?"

"She keeps me protected from feeling too much. I can't let any of my sex partners get close to me. You know, emotionally. I don't think I can ever stand that. Mrs. Lincoln tells me that feeling something like love is only for fools. I agree. Then I'd be vulnerable and I can't go there. That's why we've agreed that no one can ever touch my chest."

"So your chest is highly sensitive and symbolic in that regard. If someone should ever touch the front of your torso, that would be too invasive? Too personal?"

"I've never allowed anyone, even Elena, to stroke or caress my torso. That part of my body is totally off limits to anyone. That's where the pimp got me."

"Yes. How do you prefer to have sex, Grey?"

"They bend over, I go at them from behind. That's the way she taught me to perform. Down on my knees while she came at me from behind. With her toys. Then we'd reverse it."

"You don't ever feel any strong need to care for another person?"

"I care about some people, like my family. That's a different kind of feeling though. I don't want to mix sex with love. Ever. I need my physical release but that's all I want. I'm not a guy who can afford to feel love. It would destroy me."

"Maybe one day you'll be able to fuse the two. But for now, I agree that it's enough for you to have moved from a passive to an active role with your sexuality and your career."

"That's never going to change, Flynn."

"You're still young, Grey. Keep an open mind."

Edward just shook his head and closed his eyes when John mentioned his age. He looks like 18 years going on 40. That's when the video was paused. I'm numb from what I've just seen of their interview but I understand so much more about this splintered and confused man-child sitting so nearby me tonight.

"Thanks. For sharing that part of yourself, your past with me. It explains a lot."

"Yeah? Tell me what you've learned."

I swallow before I start speaking. I need to use just the right words to avoid alarming Edward.

"I've always wondered why you wanted to sleep with someone twice your age. Now I understand that the affair was all about your own mother. And your early childhood abuse and neglect. This video's crucial in explaining why you've continued to support and consort with Mrs. Lincoln since you gave up your sub role. It even puts your more recent activities at the Submissive Club in perspective."

"Because of that activity, you don't trust me though, do you?" Edward's got the saddest and most pained look on his face that I've ever noticed. He's feeling incredibly guilty for what happened there.

"I definitely don't trust Elena. And the reason I shared what I did with Jose may be related to how I feel about both Edward and Elena."

"Can you explain that a little more?"

"When Edward gets triggered by Elena Lincoln, he's still afraid of love. That's why he was screwing those young women at the Club. To show that he could still separate sex from love. That he could override Christian's feelings. But considering what's happened between us lately, I'd say things are starting to change for you too."

"We both know that something's happened to change my mode of operation, Anastasia."

"I want you to say it, Edward. Say it out loud. What's changed inside you?"

"I…I've started to feel something for you. I'm not sure it's love but it might be. I'm stunned and appalled by my need for you. I want you sexually, have no doubt about that. Christian's already there with both sides of the equation. I've been resisting you, however. Without my consent, your relationship with us was never going to be whole."

The look on Edward's face is more than conflicted. It's pained.

"Do you still think that love is for fools?"

"I'm starting to believe that love could be the most amazing thing I could ever experience. You've seen me melt down like a lost child now. I can hardly resist you. What I feel when I'm around you is scary. It's amazing."

"You're at a tipping point, Edward. I think what Dr. Flynn told you almost ten years ago is right."

"I can't believe how much it hurts me to see you hurting, Ana. That's why I sobbed in your arms the other night. It's also why I couldn't continue to belt you anymore tonight. Even though I hated what you did to protect Jose, I still really care about you. I want to protect you, care for you, keep you safe. I've never felt this way about another human being."

"That's good to hear. We're going to have to work on developing that side of you Edward. Then I'd never be able to betray your trust again. Because I won't be in a relationship with someone who isn't entirely in love with me. That's how I feel about you too."

"Good." His face lights up like a young pup who's thrilled to see their owner at the end of the day. "Maybe we can both have some therapy."

"Oh yeah. John Flynn can help us move in that direction. I'm here to motivate you to merge and fuse with Christian. And to dump Elena."

"At the moment, I'm in full agreement. We just have to figure out a way to defuse Mrs. Lincoln. She's not about to let me slip through her fingers."

"That's because she needs your financial support and…I truly believe that she's in love with you. She couldn't even take her own advice. She fell into a perverted sort of love with you, Edward."

"I think you're right. And she's pulling all the stops out now."

"I think I've got an idea about how we might resolve things with her. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Right now, I'm completely exhausted. It's 3 am and we need to get some sleep."

"Come to bed with me, Ana. Don't worry, I won't try to have sex with you. We'll just hold each other. I want you in my arms."

"Damn. I'd really like to fool around with you. I have needs too, you know. But…I won't give in until you're completely healed and whole."

Edward just shook his head at me and pulled me from my seat by the hand. The smile on his face made him look five years younger. We collapsed on his soft and sumptuous mattress and slept until noon.

AN: Hope you liked where I went with Edward's past. That is, how the psychological dynamics from childhood played themselves out at puberty with a cougar like Elena. How do you think I'll get the troll blocked from their lives? I've got a new idea brewing.