"The soul that can speak with its eyes can also kiss with a gaze."
Beta: Akira Sasaki
Disclaimer: Mai HiME does indeed belong to Sunrise.
Chapter 20 - Nightmares
"You're not ready? Are you not allowed to leave?" Natsuki said with a surprised look on her face.
"I am. But I wanted to wait if you would come for real."
The black-haired girl smiled warmly about the comment. She has grown very fond of the frailness of the younger girl.
"So, here I am. Shall we leave then?"
Nao became a tiny bit red and looked away.
"So?" Natsuki insisted, but Nao kept staring at her disbelievingly.
"I have to get changed and such. Would you mind waiting outside?"
"Gahh... of course. I'm sorry. I'll be right outside the room. Just come whenever you're ready." Natsuki dashed out and closed the door.
Geez, why do I always get so nervous when undressing is involved. We're both girls. I don't think I would act that way around Mai. Well, probably around Shizuru... damn what am I thinking here?
"Kuga-san, good to see you."
Natsuki turned around with an unnerved smile because she already knew the voice.
"Hello, Dr. Tenshii." She gritted her teeth in an attempt to smile.
"I heard that Nao was going to leave, but I wouldn't give my permission until she told me that you would pick her up and let her live with you for a while. That's quite generous of you."
"Yeah, I mean I have room to spare, so it's not a problem."
"It could become one though." The woman remarked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that she is still in a bad condition. Her body is still bruised and her soul is suffering from an even greater damage. Do you really think you are capable to bear all of it?" The clear blue eyes of the doctor were looking at her intensely.
"I will do whatever I can and if she wants to share some of her pain, I'll be by her side to comfort her. I won't let her suffer alone."
"That's the spirit. Then I will give you my permission to take care of her, but remember that she is still having psychotic fits from time to time. At night it often gets worse."
"I won't let anything happen to her. Promise." Natsuki proclaimed.
"I told you no promises." A female voice said from behind. "Can we go now?"
Nao was standing there ready to leave.
"Well, Yuuki-san. I hope you'll get better soon and if you're ever willing to talk about some 'things', you know where to find me. We'll still keep an eye on you just to make sure that this young lady here is keeping her promise."
Natsuki saw a flicker of hate in Nao's eyes and tried to break the tension before it would rise to a higher level.
"Yes, yes. We should go now." She grabbed Nao's bag and led the way to the bus station.
"We're going by bus?" Nao's asked more out of surprise than of disturbance. But Natsuki explained reasonably why it was only natural.
"I thought that it wouldn't be the best idea to come with my bike because you're still injured and there's your bag and stuff."
"I see." Nao seemed to be a bit disappointed and Natsuki anticipated that Nao might actually like riding with her.
"I'll take you somewhere nice with my bike as soon as you're feeling better."
"If you wish to." Nao tried to sound cold for keeping the distance at the right balance, but Natsuki could see that her eyes didn't look so disappointed anymore and was happy that she could say something to cheer the girl up. At least for a bit.
In the bus, Natsuki felt that something was terribly wrong. Nao was acting completely odd. She was almost curling herself up in the seat facing away from everyone and looking outside the window without saying a word. So, Natsuki carefully touched Nao's shoulder to reassure her that everything was fine. Much to her dismay, it was something she shouldn't have done. Nao immediately flinched away under the contact and started to shiver.
"Umm, Nao... are you alright? Is something wrong?"
"Yeah, yeah sure. Everything's fine... " Nao mumbled insecurely.
"Well, somehow I don't really believe you. Listen, you have to be honest with me. I wanna help you. So please, tell me what's wrong."
"Do you see that guy in the back row?" Nao still didn't turn around.
Natsuki twisted her head and saw an incredibly ugly guy with huge sunglasses.
"Yes." Don't tell me… "Wait, is he the one? That scumback! I'll give him something... "
"No, wait. He's not the one. But one of the guys I've robbed. So would you please stay silent? Right now, I'm not in the condition to take him on."
"You'll never be in the condition to take someone like him on." The older girl stated matter-of-factly.
Since Nao didn't respond anymore, Natsuki spoke again.
"Don't get me wrong. I'm just worried because you seem to have a lot of foes these days and I don't want these filthy scumbags touching you."
"That's the price I have to pay." The younger girl sunk even deeper into the seat.
"No, they were the ones who started it in the first place with your mother and..." Natsuki was exaggerating, but Nao stopped her instantly from speaking too loud.
"Alright, can we just skip this topic?"
The biker breathed in deeply and crossed her arms. "Of course. But I'll have an eye on you."
"Yeah, because you're the knight in shining armor." Nao said in a sarcastic voice.
"No, but because I don't like those stupid idiots who lay hands on someone who's dear to me." When Natsuki spoke out the last words in anger, Nao was suddenly looking at her in amazement. She couldn't help but blush a bit under the bold statement. They didn't speak a word for the rest of the drive, yet both of them had a very contemplative look on their faces.
The first days and nights Nao was sleeping a lot because she took her medication regularly in fear of psychotic breakdowns, but with time she was sick of living every day in the same manner. Natsuki was acting very careful and protective. She looked after the younger girl, keeping her distance. So did Nao, who didn't bother the raven-haired one with the most feared topic. They basically just lived side by side but not together. But they both knew that someday they would have to talk. Therefore, Nao decided to drop the medication to clear up her mind.
"Aren't you tired, sleepy head?" Natsuki asked in a cheerful voice.
"Actually, not really."
"Wow. I'm amazed. So you're getting used to the pills, little junky?"
"Would you please stop calling me those names? You're being creepy." Nao chided.
"Sorry, I never realized." Natsuki looked a bit disappointed and Nao regretted her words right away.
"No, I'm sorry. I am a bit tense because I stopped with the pills." She knew, Natsuki wouldn't like it, but she didn't want to lie.
"You completely stopped? Why?"
"It's clouding my mind and I don't wanna sleep all day. I haven't been outside for weeks. I think I actually miss the sunlight, although I'm more of a night person."
"Me too."
"You see the sunlight every day when you're out for food and..."
"I meant, I am too a night person." Natsuki cut her off.
"Well, of course. Dogs stray at night." Nao said with a mischievous grin,
"That would make you a dog too." Natsuki countered.
"Touché."
"Okay, if you're coping with the hiatus, I'll take you out the day after tomorrow."
"Oh, like a date you mean? Sorry, but I am not interested."
Natsuki became beet red.
"NO! I meant I will take you to a special place and not to a restaurant or something."
"Still sounds like a date."
"Alright, call it what you want. I get that you don't want to go." She growled with a pouting face.
Geez, this person freaks me out. I better mix her some pills under her next meal. She was much nicer that way.
Nao had to admit that she found Natsuki's expression somewhat cute and finally gave in.
"Alright, alright. I'll come with you."
"Fine." Natsuki smiled.
"Fine."
At night Nao's sleep was not as serene as the last nights. Natsuki, who had slept on the couch for the past days having nightmares herself, was woken up by strange noises. When she heard Nao's voice her mind was awake in a second. She entered the door of the bedroom and found Nao tossing and turning in her bed. She was obviously having a bad nightmare. The former ice-princess got closer but wasn't sure how to wake the younger girl. It looked like she was in pain, so she had to be careful. She started whispering her name, but Nao only let out moans that sounded like 'no' or 'don't'. She didn't react to her name at all and so Natsuki tried to gently touch her head. The impact of this move was much bigger than expected. Nao's eyelids suddenly shot up and she was sitting upright in bed, breathing and sweating heavily without looking at the older girl.
"Oi... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
There suddenly were sobs.
"You... no, you haven't scared me." Nao seemed to lose her composure and slumped down again, crying heavily.
Natsuki was totally shocked and had absolutely no idea how to react. She was so not prepared for something like this. The last days had been so good and now Nao was lying in front of her curled up and crying. It nearly broke her heart to hear the sobs of the desperate girl.
She suddenly remembered the conversation she had with Dr. Tenshii a few days ago.
-'Do you really think you are capable to bear all of it?'
'I will do whatever I can and if she wants to share some of her pain, I'll be by her side to comfort her. I won't let her suffer alone.'
'That's the spirit. Then I will give you my permission to take care of her but remember that she is having psychotic fits from time to time. At night it often gets worse."
'I won't let anything happen to her. Promise.'-
"Nao, I'm here. You don't have to be afraid." Natsuki lay down next to the sobbing girl.
"If you want to release some of the pain I'll be here to catch you."
She encircled the waist of Nao and brought her closer. She felt the warmth and the shivering of her body.
"Hush... it's alright. It was just a dream. I'm here now."
"Was it…?" Nao whispered between her sobs.
"Of course. What did you dream of?"
"The park... the guy... " Still sounding disoriented, the crying girl stopped shaking.
"I see... " Natsuki suddenly remember this dream-theory Nao told her about. "And even if it did happen, it's not real, right? It didn't happen in this world because right now I am here and I am real. You can feel me, can you?" She brought herself a bit closer to fill the last little gap between their bodies. Nao stiffened at the movement, but soon relaxed when she could feel the steady breathing and the warmth of the body behind her. Strangely enough she didn't feel uncomfortable, she actually felt safe and was able to calm down for a bit to swallow some of her sobs.
"Yes. I can feel you." Normally, Nao would complain about the weirdness of their words, but right now, she was glad that the other girl was so close and sensitive.
"Well, I'm glad then." Natsuki said. Clearly relieved, she snuggled her head in the pink hair.
"So, you understood it." Nao's voice was a lot calmer by now.
"I guess at least the core of it. But I bet it's much too big for my head to comprehend all of it. Such things always scare the hell out of me because they are too huge and too far away to grab."
"I already figured that you're afraid of things that are too far away to grab..."
Natsuki shrugged away. She instantly knew what the younger girl was referring too. Almost automatically Nao turned around and searched Natsuki's eyes.
"Now, you're the one who's afraid." She spoke in a soft voice.
"I guess so."
Nao gave the scared girl a second and also used the time to compose herself a little more before she spoke again.
"You don't have to. I'm not asking you to hurt you. Just to let you release some of your pain too."
And here wrapped in the darkness of the night, the two girls were lying next to each other facing their worst nightmares. None of them had planned to give away any of their inner pain, but somehow the missing light made them both more comfortable. It seemed unreal as if they were still dreaming.
"What happened over there?" Nao started to ask. Natsuki closed her eyes and suddenly looked like she was in physical pain.
"She rejected me." She said almost inaudibly whilst fighting back her tears. The sight of it made Nao's heart ache. She embraced Natsuki only to release her in the next second to brush a tear away that escaped from the older girls' eyes.
"I'm sorry for being such a weakling. I should be the one comforting you." The older girl apologized under a sob.
"Bullshit. You owe me these answers anyway. But I can't believe that she would reject you. I mean she is crazy over you."
"Was... Now she's probably crazy about Sandra."
"Sandra? What is a Sandra?" The joke was cleary on Nao's side and Natsuki even had to smile a little.
"She is a German-girl who's into motorcycles." Natsuki said still in a broken voice.
"Ouch. So, Kaichou-sama isn't so perfect after all."
Natsuki started sobbing again.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult her. Well, maybe I did. Anyhow I can't stand seeing you in pain."
"Why is that? I always thought you would enjoy it?"
Nao was completely off guard. She had no idea herself. That's actually a good question... Why the hell does it concern me that much when little puppy is crying... Oh shit... Nao's face went hot but thanks to the darkness no one could see the sudden clear realization on her face.
"I don't know... I guess I hate this Fujino-person more than you." She tried to underline the statement with a fit of laughter. But it didn't really sound honest. Luckily, Natsuki didn't go into the topic any further, which gave Nao room to ask some more.
"So, you proposed to her and she rejected you."
"I didn't really tell her about my feelings. But I wanted to. It was unnecessary though, because Sandra told me that they were together for a while and that I bring her nothing but pain."
"Hm, so Fujino didn't tell you herself?" Nao tried to evaluate the situation to make it less hard for Natsuki.
"No, not directly."
"And you believe Sandra so easily?"
"Why would she lie?" For the first time, Natsuki seemed to startled over her gullibility.
"Maybe because she's in love. You really are too good for this world."
"I never thought about it that way. But I guess if she had lied, Shizuru would have contacted me. But she hasn't." Natsuki stated reasonably.
"Oh okay. Maybe it's true then."
Natsuki buried her head in her pillow and Nao took her in her arms again.
"I'm sorry," was the last thing Nao whispered before both fell silent and eventually asleep.
A/N: Right now, I am writing chapter 21... and after that there is only one chapter left. It's coming to an end. I can't believe it...