Chapter 21

As we made our way to the therapy appointment Bella let me feel her nervousness. I had to admit that I was nervous too. I knew the hospital made the appointment for her and they asked that she bring me along. I thought that was kind of weird and I didn't mention it to Carlisle but I worried why they wanted me. Was it because the hospital was letting me stay with her while she was there? That was really the only reason I could come up with.

At least we got over our issues from last night. She apologized when I woke her up an hour early just so we could talk. She said she wasn't prepared to talk about Jacob and didn't like the jealous reaction I had, it reminded her too much him.

I managed to maintain my cool because honestly, being compared to Fuckward wasn't what I had planned and things could have ended very badly, again. I explained I wasn't going to dictate her friendships and if she would have given me a chance to talk to her last night, she wouldn't have had to go to sleep upset and leave me hanging all night.

She was remorseful for that at least. We discussed some rules I wanted in our friendship. Those included that she has to get through the discussions we need to. If she felt like shutting down, she needed to verbalize that feeling rather just shut down. I laughed while I was thinking of that one last night. I was shutting down her shutting down. There was to be no more of that.

I made my feelings clear over and over to her but I still didn't know what she was thinking, so I asked her to express her feelings to me in words and let me know what was okay and what wasn't. I wanted to know if I could put my arm around her at school or hold her hand. I already knew that sitting in my lap almost constantly was a given anymore and I was "sleeping" in the same bed. So our closeness was pretty much constant.

'Good thing my thirst is under control,' I thought ironically, recalling why all of this shit began.

That led me to another rule. Because I couldn't feel her emotions, sudden movements, either to me or away from me could end badly for all of us. I reminded her of this and she sheepishly apologized. I didn't want her apology but I did want her to understand that I was a vampire, maybe a little more so than Fuckward. At least I wasn't trying to pretend to be a self-righteous teen man wannabe. We also discussed that she needed to start saying and hearing his name. She agreed that was something she wanted to work on in therapy.

And of course the no cutting rule. Since I had all night to think about it, I decided, that if she was going to cut she needed to let me know and I would try talking her out of it first, and then leave if it was still going to happen. She said she was never going to cut again but Carlisle had mentioned and so had the doctors at the hospital that that's not just something you quit doing. But she did promise that if she was going to do it she would ask me or whoever was with her to leave. We still needed to talk about the incident that led to her hospitalization but we ran out of time.

So the main rule for our relationship was communication.

She said she didn't mind my nearness and that it was comforting to her. I asked if anything I did bothered her and she shook her head. At which point, I gently knocked her out of the bed. The thud woke Charlie up and our conversation ended. She wasn't mad at me and I'm pretty sure I didn't hurt anything but her pride. I told her I wasn't going to let her get away with the non-verbal shit anymore though. She actually let out a little laugh, so I felt it was worth it.

I drove us to her appointment holding her hand on the seat and she allowed me to feel her concern, worry, and nervousness. It was refreshing to feel something from her though those weren't the happiest feelings.

"Do you want me to help calm you down, darlin'?" I asked, because her heart was starting to race too and her breathing was increasing.

She shook her head. I slammed on the breaks.

"What?" she choked out startled as her seatbelt caught her and her emotions were gone.

I sat and stared at her. I waited for the moment when realization hit her.

"Jasper!" she yelled. "I don't have to use words for every little thing. That was a yes/no question a head nod is perfectly acceptable."

She was agitated with me and I couldn't help but smile at her.

"That's not what we agreed to, darlin'." I reminded her that she had agreed to use words from now on.

"Geez, don't you think you're taking this a bit far?" she asked still upset with me. I continued to smile at her and started on my way again.

I shook my head.

She huffed at that and crossed her arms over her chest facing forward.

I did notice that her current position caused her breasts to push farther out and that her bulky red sweater became taught against her skin. She really should have been wearing a coat but it sat across her lap hiding her jean clad legs from me. I sighed and looked back to the road.

I just needed to get used to being around her and not noticing how delicious her blood or her body was. I was glad that she was a bit upset with me and that seemed to take some of the tension out of the air. But as we arrived at the therapist's office, the tension returned like a snapped rubber band. We walked hand in hand into the waiting room and up to the reception desk. Bella had to do some paperwork and I sat quietly with her, my arm around her shoulders as she leaned into me to write.

The waiting area was nice enough decorated in beiges with a rust accent color. The chairs were not very comfortable more like what you'd see at a doctor's office and there were a couple tables with assorted magazines. The receptionist was a rather plain woman who wore her brown hair in a ponytail, she was heavy set with brown eyes and a round face with thin lips. She never smiled at us and seemed to speak as little as possible. One poster on the wall caught my attention and I stared at it for quite a while, unsure why it was so captivating to me. It was a picture of a sun rising over a beautiful meadow scene in the sky above it read "The hardest step to therapy is walking in the door."

I honestly wasn't sure what I expected out of the session. I spoke with Carlisle briefly this afternoon while waiting for Bella to get out of school.

All he could say was, 'it's never as bad as anyone anticipates and everything will be fine.'

I didn't honestly find that helpful and I was worried for Bella. I was worried this was going to send her back into that catatonic state when topics were discussed that she was afraid of, such as Fuckward. I sighed internally as we sat there waiting for Bella's name to be called, though there was no one else waiting. I could hear the therapist in the other room on a personal call, nothing special about that.

Finally he came out and called Bella, he was feeling calm and a bit uneasy himself. He didn't look scary at least, he was a thin man about 6'1" wearing khakis and a sky blue button down long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled. He had short light brown hair that was just long enough to be parted to one side. His face was narrow but his features were warm. His eyes were a dark blue and his lips were narrow pulled into a smile with the small point of his nose hanging over them. He was probably in his 40's and seemed friendly. We both stood.

"I'm Ryan, it's a pleasure to meet you both," he said as he extended his hand to both of us. We shook hands briefly as we introduced ourselves, all the while I kept my left hand on the small of Bella's back to offer her support.

"Do I come too?" I asked him politely.

He smiled warmly at me. Well at least he seemed like a friendly guy.

"Not right now… I'd like to speak with Miss Swan first and then you separately… then together. This will probably be just a onetime thing."

I nodded at his statement. Well at least I wasn't going to be in therapy with her regularly.

I looked to Bella to make sure she was okay. She sent me her nervousness in answer and I nodded my head knowingly at her.

"Bella, I'm gonna go sit in the truck an' listen to the radio while you guys talk, okay?" I asked her.

I thought she might be a bit more comfortable if she knew I wasn't listening.

She gave me a tentative smile and nod followed by a, "Thank you, Jasper."

His curiosity spiked with our interaction and he took note of my hand on Bella's back. I nodded at him and headed for the door.

"He seems like a nice young man," Ryan said to Bella as he led her back to his office.

I was pretty sure I didn't want to know everything Bella was going to tell him so I did turn the truck radio on to make sure it was difficult if not impossible to hear. Bella's appointment was scheduled for two hours. It seemed like a long time, I thought these things were only an hour at a time. Was I going to be in there for an hour too? I decided to occupy myself with texting Rosalie and Emmett who were sitting at home watching a movie. We talked about the movie, I told them the counselor guy seemed nice enough and how nervous Bella was. Charlie was nervous for her this morning too and he was glad that I was going. I'm not sure if he knew they asked me to go or not and I didn't tell him.

After Bella had been in there for an hour and a half she came out and waved me in from the window. I hopped out and went in.

"Your turn," she said with a small smile. I smiled back at her and pulled her in for a hug, which she returned. She was smiling and I couldn't help but be thankful for that.

"You okay?" I asked, because I knew sometimes smiles could be false but this one looked genuine enough, though without her feelings, I always felt clueless. With her arms locked around my waist she nodded into my chest as I held her briefly.

"It wasn't too bad," she said into my navy blue Columbia jacket.

I gave her one more little squeeze and released her. I turned to see Ryan standing there watching the exchange with curiosity and fondness. I knew he was standing there the whole time, of course, but I just didn't care. Other than the time Bella cried on me in the kitchen this was the first time she had embraced me in a hug.

"Do you want the keys to the truck?" I asked her as I took a step away from her and towards Ryan.

"No, I'll wait here," she said with a shake of her head. I gave her a smile and nod as I turned to follow Ryan back to his office.

We settled in his office which had a much homier feel than the waiting area. His office was large and had a large plush red sofa with several decorative pillows on it, a brown leather love seat, and a couple dark beige sofa chairs, the big ones that make larger people look like it's a throne and smaller people seem to be swallowed. I could smell that Bella had chosen the chair. I smiled and settled myself in the same chair. The office had several book cases filled mostly with psychology books along two walls. A large picture window sat behind the sofa that allowed lots of light but he had a white accordion blind that allowed for privacy while still letting light in. This room looked more like a den with the small oak desk in the corner with a desktop computer and black leather office chair.

He gave me quizzical look as I settled in where I smelled Bella and I just looked at him blankly wondering what he was thinking. He settled on the leather sofa across from me, which I could also tell is where he sat when Bella was in here.

"Thank you for coming today, Jasper," he started with a smile.

I nodded at him not sure what I should say. He smiled a little more.

"Are you nervous?" he asked.

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Not really, I'm more worried about Bella than anythin'," I drawled out.

He nodded with recognition.

"She has signed a release that I can talk to you about anything she has told me. She would only sign one for her father to get medically necessary information. Can you tell me why you think she is so open with you? From what I understand you haven't been in her life very long," he asked with true curiosity.

"I'm honestly not very sure, sir. She has developed an attachment to me that even her father isn't too happy with. But getting her to the hospital and getting her here has been an accomplishment he was unable to do on his own," I said honestly.

"Yes, I realize this. She told me this started because your brother left her. Of course Forks being what it is and both of you being in the families you are I have heard stories. She wouldn't talk about what happened that night but I know he left her in the woods and that she didn't come out of the house for a couple weeks or so. I was hoping to get her in here before now. Is she in communication with your brother?"

I looked at him and narrowed my eyes. "No, why?" I asked.

He had gotten nervous during his little speech and it felt like he was trying to be sneaky. All of a sudden I wasn't sure if I liked this guy anymore.

"Well to be honest, we talked for a long time; I got some of her family history and a little about the relationship with your brother and your family. It seems as though something is missing though. She avoids the topic of you and your family almost completely. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me. She can't really even tell me if she is angry or sad or express her emotions verbally," he said bewildered.

I tried really hard not to laugh at that one. Bella just couldn't express her emotions at all. I nodded in understanding.

"I'm not sure why she's avoidin' the topic of our family, but I do know that she felt betrayed by all of us not just him," I said with a slight sneer. This sparked his interest.

"You both do that to, refuse to use Edward's name. His name is Edward, right?" he asked.

"It is and let's get one thing straight he is my adoptive brother an' no brother of mine after what he did to her," I said with anger, not trying to hide my hatred for him at all.

He raised his eyebrows at that and a bit of fear crept in.

"Listen, I'm angry with him for doin' what he did to Bella, an' once she tells you what he said and did, not jus' that he left her in the woods, you may understand better. But my whole family is upset with him over this," I said, letting my anger get the better of me.

He nodded and thought about it for a moment. "Do you think Bella's reaction to this loss is appropriate?" he asked gently, trying to bring my anger down but still get answers.

"No," I answered in a clipped fashion.

He was still calm and looking at me but not in the eyes. That was normal for a human though.

"So, what do you think would have been an appropriate reaction?" he asked with the same gentle tone.

"I guess the one we were figurin' on, she'd be sad but get over it and move on," I said, bringing my anger down.

He was here to help Bella and I had to remember my issues with Fuckward were not the topic here.

"That would be the typical response to a break up. Why do think this turned out so poorly for her?" he asked.

"I dunno. I didn' know her that well when they were datin'," I said with a shrug.

He narrowed his eyebrows in concentration as he tried to come up with his next question.

"Well, she has attached herself to you for some reason and I am not convinced it is healthy the way she relies on you. Especially, when you both admit you do not know each other that well. She wouldn't answer when I asked if she was hoping that being close to you would bring Edward back into her life. What do you think?" he asked.

Ryan wasn't a moron that was for sure. I had asked that same question. I just wasn't sure what I should say about my conversations with her and I think he noticed my hesitation.

"Would you prefer to answer that question with her in the room?" he asked with a small smile.

I returned it and nodded in agreement.

"Very well. I have only a few more things and then we can bring her back in… She told me that you have gotten her to start eating again because I did notice she is very underweight. Do you feel that she has an eating problem? Like anorexia or something along those lines?" He was trying to ask in a way that didn't sound accusatory but I still felt like it was an insult to Bella.

"She was never one that was concerned with her looks, an' her eatin' seems to be linked more with her depression, than her desire to actually lose weight. She's never said anythin' about needin' to lose weight," I said as clinically as possible.

"You are a smart young man I see. Well, that is one good thing but please let me know if you have any concerns about her eating habits," he said looking at me pointedly and I nodded in acknowledgement at him.

"Now, the broken nose and black eyes, they are about a week old I see. She said she was accidentally hit in the face with a lunch tray?" he asked looking for my confirmation.

I smiled sardonically at that statement. "Yeah, it was meant for me. I ducked and it got her instead," I answered, letting him know with a pointed look that that topic was closed for discussion. I took care of it and it was nothing he needed to worry about.

He nodded minutely at that.

"And that brings us to the cutting issue. She said you caught her and got really mad, that's what led to her hospitalization last week?"

It was more of a statement but he was looking for another confirmation and I gave him a nod.

"I see, well she has said that she isn't going to be cutting anymore, but I have to warn you that this not a behavior that someone stops overnight and it usually gets worse when they are in therapy before it gets better."

Ryan was nervous about telling me this piece of information and understandably so. Worse? What the FUCK!? I raised my eyebrows at him in question.

"That is why I wanted to speak with you. I know you are caring for her the most and that she is attached to you. Which honestly has me concerned but I need to get to know her better before I understand that relationship fully. The cutting for her is a release of emotion, she can't describe her feelings as I indicated earlier. It's a way for her to feel and feel release of those bottled up emotions all at the same time."

I guess what he explained made sense but still, why was it going to get worse? He could see I was still confused.

"It'll get worse when she starts working on the emotions verbally. The cutting usually increases because the individual is trying to get away from the bad feelings, feel a release, an escape."

I nodded that made sense to some extent though I didn't like it.

"You are the closest person to her right now and I know the last time you caught her you left. That hurt her badly from my understanding. I'm honestly surprised she didn't cut more after you left," he said mostly to himself.

"My other brother an' sister were there, they stopped her when they thought she was gonna hurt herself and brought her to the hospital," I interjected, so he knew there was that possibility.

"Yes, that's what the hospital's report said. In any event she told me you two made an agreement that if she is going to cut, she is going to let you know and that if she does do it you will leave for a period of time."

I was surprised she shared that with him. "Yes, I don't wanna be around when she does it, so if I can't talk her out of it first; we've agreed I can leave for a while," I said confirming his statement.

"That is a great thing and I'm glad you are working with her on it. Please keep up your end on that. If she comes to you, please do not get angry with her, try to be understanding, and try to get her to discuss her feelings rather than express them through cutting," he said instructed.

"I will keep up my side of that deal, no problem," I said with a wry smile. He had no idea.

"Well, let's bring her back in shall we?" he asked as he rose to get Bella.

I stood also to walk with him but he held his hand up for me to wait.

"I'll be right back you can just wait here."

He had a feeling of curiosity as I sat back in the chair and he walked out the door. He called her back in and when she walked into the room she looked over at me. Her face gave nothing away but she let me feel her emotions immediately and they were of longing and loss. I smiled warmly at her and opened my arms.

I knew she wanted to sit with me. She was nervous and I was in her chair. I think this is what Ryan wanted to see, her reaction to my placement. She quickly walked over and settled in my lap. Ryan's emotions were a mix of awe, worry, and curiosity. I wrapped my arms around her waist and she rotated slightly to the side leaning on my chest with her knees curled up under her and her head under my chin. I kissed the top of her head like I normally do and Ryan's interest spiked. I chuckled internally; yeah I just gave him all sorts of shit to think about. I didn't know if her eyes were open or closed and the only thing missing in this scene was the teddy bear. This really did remind me of the coffee shop incident, only Ryan wasn't going to attack her and I didn't think he was aware of that situation, yet.

"Well…" he started and continued to stare at us. "I… uh… guess… Jasper. You were going to answer a question with her in the room. Do you remember what it was?"

He felt very unsure of himself, it almost made me wonder if he remembered the question.

"Yes, you wanted to know if I thought she was hoping that being close to me would bring Fuckward back into her life?" I said venomously and she stiffened in my arms.

I knew her stiffening was because of the ass' name being mentioned not the tone in which I said it. Ryan raised his eyebrows in surprise at that and I got an evil smile on my face.

"I will not let him near her, ever again and she knows that," I said with certainty and felt Bella relax a little in my lap.

"I see…" Ryan said and trailed off thoughtfully.

I guess that wasn't the answer he was expecting because I hesitated earlier. But I didn't necessarily want to tell him we had discussed the issue enough for her to understand that that would never happen again.

"I guess we're about done. Do either of you have any questions?" he said looking between us. I shook my head and Bella sat up.

"Can Jasper come to therapy with me?" she asked quietly, not looking at the therapist who sat across from us. His worry increased and he was unsure of what to say. Pansy.

"Bella, I think what Ryan here is worried about is that you're relyin' on me too much, darlin' and not bein' independent enough. Emmett is worried about the same thing to some degree. So can we do it where maybe I come every other time? And then we'll start pullin' back from there?" I drawled, just loud enough that Ryan could hear but I was trying to say it in a respectful and calming voice.

She still stiffened at the thought of me pulling back.

"I'm not leavin', darlin' and you'll still have me every night," I whispered to her.

I guess I didn't whisper that quietly enough because Ryan's curiosity spiked and he asked, "What do you mean, she'll have you every night?"

"Bella has requested that I sleep with her, to help keep the nightmares away," I said frankly, looking at him hoping he wasn't going to push this topic. He didn't get the hint this time though.

"So are you romantically involved?" he asked.

I sighed, he just didn't get it. "No."

"But you are sharing a bed?" he continued to prod and this guy was getting on my nerves.

"Yes." Again I clipped out the answer.

"I see. So Bella you rely on Jasper to help you eat, sleep, he's attending school with you, you want him to come to therapy, and I know that he was sleeping with you while you were in the hospital, apparently that has carried over. Do you think that you might be relying on him too heavily? That you have no independence?" he asked very clinically.

"Bella?" I prompted her after we waited a minute.

She looked at me with sad eyes.

"I don't want you to go," she said quietly, ducking her head back under my chin.

My heart broke for her but the therapist was right, she relied on me too heavily. I wanted to be there for her but it wasn't necessarily healthy for her. I sighed heavily.

"Bella, I promised I wouldn' leave. Do you think I'm lyin', darlin'?" I asked her, ignoring the counselor all together. I pulled back and turned her a little towards me so I could look at her face. She was teary.

"Darlin'?" I prompted after a moment of silence.

I saw her throat constrict as she swallowed and realized she was keeping the tears back by not sobbing. I nodded at her.

I kept one hand on her back to hold her in place and keep her from falling off my lap. I moved my other hand to her cheek and turned her face enough so she could look me in the eye.

"I'm here." I leaned up to kiss her forehead. "I'm not leavin'." I moved down to kiss her nose. "I want to be with you." I pecked her on the lips quickly.

Ryan sat there quietly astonished.

"Are you still going to tell me you aren't romantically involved?" he asked a bit petulant.

I turned my attention to him with a glower dropping my hand from Bella's cheek but before I could say anything Bella placed her small hand against my lips.

'I thought we talked about those sudden movements around me! Especially my mouth Bella!' I was yelling in my head.

That topic needed to be revisited. Had I not just pecked her I may not have been as accepting of her hand there. She needed to realize that wasn't safe! The warmth of her fingers penetrated my lips as I stopped breathing and sat there motionless waiting for her next move.

She turned towards Ryan. "We're done here, right?" she asked calmly like nothing had taken place.

I raised my eyebrows at that. She was shutting him down and I found myself doing my internal happy dance. Bella was standing up for herself!

"Umm... well, I suppose we are, yes," Ryan stuttered out.

I took the hand on my lips and pressed it firmly into my lips giving her a small kiss and then moving her hand down, nudging her side for her to get up so we could leave.

I said nothing but gave him a smirk. He didn't think she could stand up for herself. I knew she could. I knew she just didn't typically choose to. But as she woke up from this comatose state she had been in, she was becoming more dominant not the pliant little Bella we were all used to and I could see it. Slowly but surely she was emerging from her shell and I have to admit I was a bit excited at who she would become. She turned back towards Ryan as we opened the office door and I stepped to the side so she could look at him.

"I'll be back next week."

She looked up at me and smiled widely, it reached her eyes, her first one since I had been back. She looked back over at the counselor who was impatiently waiting for her to finish because it was obvious she wasn't done.

"With my brother," she finished with a smirk.

Oh My God! She smirked! And it seemed as though she had a plan for bringing Emmett with her. I smirked too, although I'm not sure why I did. But she had just made me extremely happy and I was really starting to not like the little fucker across the room. His eyes widened in shock.

"I thought you were an only child?" he asked very taken aback by Bella's forwardness and I'd guess her facial expression. The smirk got bigger.

"You'll see," she said threateningly and with that she turned and left.

I was laughing my ass off internally, externally I looked at Ryan shrugged and followed her out with a big ass smile on my face. Maybe therapy would be good for her. Just not how they anticipated. Wonder what she had in store for him and Emmett. I helped her into the truck and we made our way back to her house where we would finish our night with dinner, homework, and the last part of our "talk".