Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer.
BPOV
This would without a doubt go down as the most intense day in my life so far. It had started out with the unexpected phone call from Edward's sister which was followed immediately by my first experience with morning sickness, and who could forget Edward fetching breakfast and me going into a state of panic thinking that he had left again. Then we almost had wild sex on the kitchen counter, and then we had our breakfast date in bed where I finally learned a little more about Edward's past, shopping for new clothes, therapy which didn't go very well, being intimate with each other, Edward panicking at the sight of Jasper and now this revelation that Edward hadn't had a regular exit from the army.
It was almost too much to take. I was tired, hormonal, immensely sad and angry with Edward for having the knee-jerk reaction to leave me again, annoyed with myself because deep down I knew that I wasn't treating Edward fairly and he couldn't help the way he felt since it was sign of the trauma that he was living with. I shouldn't ignore his affection because of it but it had just about shattered me when he pulled away from me in my bedroom after he accidentally bruised me. I thought that we had moved past him leaving ever again and I was finally beginning to trust him. I had kissed him and we had touched each other just hours earlier, he had promised me time and time again that he would never leave me. But it only took one small mistake for him to panic and I had to yell and swear at him to make him stay and listen to me. I was physically and mentally exhausted and all I wanted was to crawl in bed and forget everything for a few hours.
But that wasn't an option right now. I had to be strong for Edward and be by his side. And that was exactly what I did while I listened in horror to his brother in law recite all the things that could have caused the man I loved to get thrown out of the army.
The words swirled around in my head: Dishonorable Discharge, Bad Conduct Discharge, sexual assault, murder, mutiny, homosexuality. The idea of Edward doing any of those things was just preposterous! Murder and sexual assault were impossible possibilities and I wouldn't even consider them for a second. And homosexuality was just a ridiculous option since Edward was undoubtedly straight. And even if he had been into men for a while it shouldn't have warranted a DD, as Jasper called it. I couldn't believe that something as innocuous like a person's sexual preference could get you kicked out of the military!
That only left mutiny. A concept I could only associate with novels I had read about sailors abandoning their captains on deserted islands and the like. The whole thing was just…incredulous. Edward was brave, selfless and inherently good. I didn't know him very well yet, but I knew these things to be true about him. So how on earth could he have received a less than honorable discharge from the military? I mean, he was wounded in battle for Christ's sake! He lost his ability to speak and had severe emotional scars on his soul and he did it all to defend his country. And that was how they repaid him?
I could feel myself getting angry. Angry with the army for treating Edward in such a way and angry with Jasper who most of all sounded accusatory. I gripped Edward's hand tighter and he turned his head to look at me. His eyes widened in shock when they met mine and his face crumbled. He pulled his hand away from mine and looked absolutely heartbroken.
What? Why is he doing this?
I realized that I must have looked furious and Edward mistook my expression as though I was angry with him. Immediately I grabbed his hand again and softened my gaze.
'Bella…I'
He seemed almost frantic in wanting to find the right words to say to me and his eyes darted between our joined hands and my eyes. He was shaking lightly and breathing faster.
He's panicking!
"Edward, sweetie, listen to me," I said and cupped his face with my free hand. "I'm not angry with you, I swear."
'But…'
"I don't care that you got a Dishonorable Discharge or whatever it's called. No, that came out wrong. Of course I care that you were treated so horribly and it pisses me off. But it doesn't change the way I feel about you. You have honor, Edward. You saved my life and you saved the doctor's life. You're such a good person and I know that you didn't do anything wrong. I just know it," I rambled and took a deep breath. "Please don't doubt that, okay?"
He seemed baffled for a second and then his lips curved up in a glorious smile.
'Thank you,' he mouthed and kissed my hand. 'Thank you, angel.'
Alice cleared her throat and both of us looked over at her. I had almost forgotten that we weren't alone.
"What happened, Edward?" she enquired. "I don't believe that you did any of those things either. I mean, at least not intentionally."
He shook his head and gave me a desperate look.
'I can't,' he mouthed. 'I'm scared that…'
He pointed to the hallway and I immediately understood.
"You're worried that it will cause another panic attack?" I asked softly.
He gave me a defeated nod. I turned to his sister.
"The doctor who is treating Edward told me that he has this sort of block in his mind because he witnessed something really horrible in the war. He tried to break through it in therapy today but it didn't go very well. He gets these…"
I glanced at Edward who nodded for me to continue.
"Panic attacks like what you saw when you arrived and Edward thinks that it might cause another one if he starts talking about what happened in Afghanistan."
I looked at Edward for confirmation that I had gotten everything right and he gave me a sad smile and nodded again.
"Oh," Alice said and wrung her hands nervously. "And is that also why he can't talk anymore? Because of what happened?"
"Yes, the doctor said that it's his mind's way of protecting him from what happened."
"But what was it?" she whispered and looked scared. "Was it really bad? Because some of Jasper's friends have seen a lot and they never…"
She motioned to her brother and wiped away a tear. I looked at Edward who once again nodded. It seemed that he didn't want to keep any secrets from his sister.
"I don't know all the details," I said hesitantly. "But I know that a boy was killed and Edward saw it. It shocked his voice out of him, the doctor said."
"Did you do it? Did you kill him?"
I gasped.
He didn't just ask that?
Jasper had remained quiet during most of the conversation this evening but now he had decided to speak up at the worst possible time. Edward gripped my hand so hard that it hurt and I managed to pry it away from his.
"Jasper!" Alice cried. "How can you ask him that?"
"It happens a lot, unfortunately," he said, almost casually.
I could feel the rage bubbling up inside of me and did my very best to control my voice.
"Mr. Whitlock, you don't know Edward because if you did you would know that he would never kill a child. I don't have any of the details but I am absolutely certain that Edward didn't do that."
"I'm just saying that accidents occur," Jasper said calmly. "Every war has its share of innocent victims. That's the price you have to pay for freedom sometimes. It's unfortunate but the fact of the matter is that it happens. When you're under fire things happen really fast and sometimes people get caught in the crossfire. That's what you civilians don't understand about war. Bad things happen but it's all worth it in the end because we get to live in the greatest country in the world and we're defending our way of life and taking down the terrorists."
I stared at him, probably completely wide-eyed. I felt sick. Never in my life had I heard words so cold and callous disguised as patriotism.
"It is not worth it when innocent children are killed," I said through gritted teeth. "It is not worth it when good men like Edward end up on the street because their country abandons them. How dare you come into our home and accuse him of killing a child and then saying that it is all worth it in the end?"
I suddenly noticed that Edward was practically vibrating next to me. I turned my face to look at him and recoiled reflexively. Edward looked dangerous. Lethal, even. I had only ever seen him angry once; the night I tracked him down in the all-male shelter and he had been upset because it was too dangerous for me to be there at night. But that was nothing compared to this. The rage in his eyes made me shiver and he wasn't even looking at me. He was looking at his brother in law who didn't seem fazed at all. Either he was incredibly brave or really, really obtuse.
"I'm not accusing him of anything," Jasper responded. "But if he didn't do it why would he get a DD? It doesn't make sense because the U.S. army doesn't abandon good soldiers! He did something wrong!"
Jasper pointed an accusatory finger at Edward.
"Jasper! Shut up!" Alice yelled angrily.
Next to me Edward rose slowly and for a second I thought he was going to launch himself at Jasper. But he turned and walked out quickly. After a few seconds he returned with his pad and pen. His hand shook with what I assumed was a combination of anger and nerves and with a determined face he started writing. I knew what he was doing. He was telling us what happened and it scared me more than anything. Not because I thought that Edward would reveal that he had played a part in killing the boy. I would never believe that.
No, I was afraid that this would push him over the edge. It was too soon. He couldn't talk about it in a controlled environment with an expert like Dr. Gordon without having an attack and right now he was so angry and upset. He had stopped writing and was breathing heavily next to me. I could see the beads of sweat starting to form on his forehead as he tried to control himself. I placed my hand on his arm.
"Edward, you don't have to do this. Don't force it out like this," I said softly. "You don't have to tell us anything."
I didn't know if he actually heard me. It seemed like he was in deep concentration, trying to force his hand to write what he couldn't say out loud. He started shaking violently and finally threw the pen and paper across the room with a frustrated growl. He walked into the hallway and I followed with my heart thundering in my chest. I could hear Alice crying behind me, yelling and cursing at Jasper but I couldn't focus on her right now.
Edward was pulling his shoes and jacket on, still shaking all over.
"Edward?" I managed to choke out as I almost collapsed against the doorframe from sheer exhaustion.
Please don't leave me!
I realized with startling clarity that at this very moment I simply didn't have any fight left in me. If Edward tried to leave me now I wouldn't stop him. I couldn't take anymore. This day had taken too much out of me and I was just…done. Edward stopped his movements and looked at me. His own troubles seemed instantly forgotten. The concern in his eyes was evident and he pleaded with me silently.
'I'm not leaving,' he mouthed slowly. 'But I need…'
He held up his index and middle finger in a telling gesture that made me understand that he needed a cigarette.
'I'm sorry,' he added.
I didn't know if he was apologizing for smoking or for leaving the apartment.
"You'll be back?" I whispered.
He nodded immediately.
'I have to go…or…'
He motioned to the living room and his eyes clouded with anger again. He would end up hurting Jasper if he stayed. I acknowledged that and nodded in understanding.
"You have money?" I asked.
I didn't care if Edward went out and bought some cigarettes. It wasn't easy quitting from day to day the way that he had done and it was a lot better than him beating up his sister's husband, even if he did deserve it. A lot. He nodded and patted his jacket pocket.
"Key?"
He smiled faintly and nodded again.
"Come back soon," I whispered.
He nodded a third time and glanced briefly at the living room.
"I'll tell him to leave. But what about Alice?" I asked.
Edward gave me a look filled with regret. His reunion with his sister had not gone the way he had hoped it would. He held up his hand and mimicked a phone showing me that he wanted to keep in touch with her.
"I'll tell her," I said softly.
'Thank you.'
He took a step forward and brought his hands up to touch my face but pulled them back again immediately. I looked at his hands and saw that they were still trembling.
'I'm sorry,' he mouthed again and practically ran out of the door.
I stood, feeling completely paralyzed. Then I remembered what and more importantly who had driven Edward away from his own home and I slammed the door angrily before marching into the living room again.
"Where's Edward?" Alice asked.
Her cheeks were stained with tears and she was sitting on the opposite end of the couch as her husband.
"He left," I said through clenched teeth.
"Is he coming back?" she asked, sounding alarmed.
"I sure as hell hope so," I said and turned to the blonde man whose throat I wanted to rip out.
"Get out," I snarled at him. "I don't ever want you coming into my house ever again."
"I apologize if I have upset you, Ma'am," he started and stood up.
I barked out a humorless laugh and interrupted him.
"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. You drove Edward out of his own home, back on the streets where he almost died. Twice!"
Alice let out a strangled sob, but I continued.
"He was finally starting to feel safe here and then you come along and ruin everything! I realize that you can't help being in the army and Edward's reaction to that, but what you just did was…was…"
I couldn't even think of any words to describe it.
"Get the hell out of here and be thankful that Edward is a good brother or he would have kicked your ass tonight!"
"Bella," Alice said hesitantly. "Is he angry with me?"
She looked so small, hugging herself while rocking back and forth.
"No," I said in a softer tone. "He wants you to call him, or he'll call you. Well, I guess I'll be calling on his behalf but you know what I mean."
She nodded, took a deep breath and glared at her husband.
"We'll go now," she said. "Jasper and I aren't nearly done talking yet."
In any other situation I would have found it comical that he looked genuinely scared of the tiny woman who yanked him out of the living room. She practically pushed him out of the door and told him to wait in the car in an icy tone. Jasper nodded silently and walked down the stairs with slumped shoulders. All his former arrogance seemed to have evaporated under Alice's anger and while I now hated his guts I could still acknowledge that he must love his wife dearly.
It didn't stop him from accusing her brother of being a child killer, though.
"Bella, I'm so sorry!" she said frantically the second her husband was out of earshot. "He's a good man, really he is. He just gets so fucking-"
"I'm sorry, I never swear. Honestly. He just makes me so angry sometimes. When it comes to the army he's just…impossible. Please, I'm so sorry!"
"Alice, you didn't do anything wrong," I said softly. "Look, I'm exhausted and I'm sure you want to get home. We'll call you once things settle down a little, alright?"
She nodded and blinked back fresh tears.
"I never thought this would happen," she whispered. "That my brother and my husband would hate each other. There's…there's so much I didn't get to say to Edward tonight. There are things he needs to know. I have to see him again, Bella, I don't care what Jasper thinks. I love him, but…he drove my brother away and I just got him back after thinking I had lost him forever!"
"I'm so sorry," I said sympathetically and rubbed her arm lightly.
This had to be hard on her. Naturally she didn't want to choose between the two of them but what would she had to? Would she cut Edward out of her life because of her husband? Or would it be the other way around? I didn't want to think about that right now. I had enough on my mind as it was. Alice gave me a quick hug and left, leaving me in the empty apartment.
I started to clean up almost on autopilot while I worried about Edward. He had said that he was coming back and I wanted to believe him so badly. I didn't want to doubt his word or his commitment to me and our baby, but I couldn't push away the feeling of unease completely.
I noticed the pad that Edward had been writing on earlier and picked it up carefully. Edward's usual neat handwriting was nowhere to be found. I could hardly make sense of the scribble that he had made with his trembling hand but tried to read it anyway:
'Bella, please believe' followed by scrawl I couldn't make out. 'Didn't kill' and 'couldn't save' was clearly stated. But also 'my fault' and 'he ran towards me' was readable. The rest was just gibberish followed by an angry attempt to cross it all out before Edward had thrown the pad across the room. I stood there trying to digest everything and get some kind of meaning out of his writing. He hadn't killed the boy. That much was obvious and I would have been shocked to my very core if that had been the case. But why would he still say that it was his fault? I had to wait for Edward to tell me everything when he was ready for it and make sure that he wasn't almost forced to divulge like he had been tonight. I looked around the empty room and felt very much alone at that moment.
I picked up the phone and knew who I wanted to talk to about all of this. I felt incredibly guilty that I hadn't let Angela know that Edward was back, but so much had been going on in the past twenty-four hours that it had completely slipped my mind. I decided to remedy it immediately and dialed her number.
"What's up?" she said the second she answered.
As always, Angela didn't waste time on greetings.
"Um, hi. Well, a lot actually," I answered and flopped down on the couch.
"Yes?"
"Edward's back," I said.
"What?" Angela yelled, and I had to hold the phone away from my ear to prevent hearing damage. "He's really back? He's there with you right now? What did he say about the baby? Are you guys together? How long has he been back?"
"Slow down," I chuckled, enjoying the familiarity of my best friend's knack for asking a million questions in one breath. "He's happy about the baby, I don't know if we're together exactly and he came back last night just before dinner."
"Last night?" she shouted, once again almost causing my eardrums to bleed. "What the fuck do you mean 'last night,' Isabella Marie Swan? He's been with you an entire day and you didn't call me?"
"I'm sorry," I said, rather pathetically. "Things have been crazy around here ever since he arrived."
"But he's definitely staying for good?" she asked.
Hopefully…
"I-I think so," I answered weakly.
"Put him on the phone," she demanded.
"What?"
"Put him on the phone," Angela said slowly, as if talking to a child. "I have a few things to say to our dear Mr. Cullen."
Shit!
"I…Uh, he's not here right now. He sort of left."
"He left again!" she yelled.
"No, it's not like that," I said quickly, all the while hoping that I was right. "He needed some air. He had an awful night. Well, we both did to be completely honest."
"What happened?" she asked.
I told her everything. Everything that had happened from when Edward had shown up last night to him leaving just now. I talked and talked until my voice was hoarse, stopping only to cry when I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Angela was completely silent and didn't interrupt me once which was completely uncharacteristic for her. She merely hummed every once in a while to let me know that she was still listening. It felt so good to get it all out, cathartic and freeing somehow. I could feel the weight lifting off me as I told Angela the good parts; Edward's reaction to the news of my pregnancy, our breakfast date, the shopping trip, being intimate and spending the day with him. And I shared the bad things as well; My fear that he had left this morning, Edward's therapy which had left me scared when I realized the extent of his trauma, his reaction to Jasper and feeling like leaving was the only option, Jasper's accusation and Edward's subsequent reaction and finally my worry because he had now left me again.
"Okay, that's all," I said lamely as a way of finishing my story.
"That's more than enough," Angela said. "No wonder you didn't have time to call me."
"Yeah, things have been pretty hectic," I admitted.
"Here's what I want you to do," she said firmly. "You are going to take a nice long relaxing bath, listen to some soothing music, goddamn Kenny G or something, and then it's straight to bed with you. You sound completely wound up still and you know it's not healthy for you and the little one."
"But Edward," I started.
"No. Edward is a big boy and like you said, he has a key. He is coming back, Bella. You need to start taking care of yourself now. Forget about him for a little while. He'll be there when you wake up in the morning. Okay?"
"Okay." I nodded even though she couldn't see it.
"And we'll talk more about this in person the second I get some free time, I swear," she promised. "Now take a deep breath in and let it out slowly."
I did as she told me.
"Good girl," she said and I could hear the smile in her voice. "Now, say 'Goodnight Angela' and start relaxing."
"I love you, Angela," I whispered, feeling so incredibly lucky that she was my best friend.
"I love you too, Bella," she said softly. "I'll call you tomorrow, alright?"
"Alright," I said. "Goodnight."
In true Angela fashion she hung up without saying goodbye. I smiled, loving the fact that some things I could always rely on. Angela's lack of telephone manners was definitely one of them. I drew a bath, brought my IPod which incidentally didn't hold any Kenny G songs but I already knew that Angela had been joking about that part, and let the world drift away for half an hour while I soaked in the warm water. Afterwards I felt a lot better and dressed in my pajamas. I heard the door and thinking that it was Edward I rushed into the hallway only to see that it was Joe returning from his date at Mary's place.
"Hey kiddo," he said with a bright smile. "What's with the long face?"
"Edward," I said quietly.
He looked around and narrowed his eyes.
"Where is he?"
I shrugged helplessly.
"He went out for cigarettes a while ago," I said, realizing how cliché it sounded.
"What happened?" he asked and hung up his jacket.
"That's a really long story, Joe. Edward's sister and her husband came by tonight and it didn't go very well at all. Edward had to leave or I think it would have turned into a fight. I promise that we'll talk more tomorrow, but right now I really need to go to bed. We have work in the morning and I'm exhausted."
"You look it," Joe said gently. "Yeah, you go to bed and I'll make up the couch for Edward. I'm assuming that he's still sleeping there?"
I nodded.
"Thank you, Joe."
I gave him a hug and he patted my back a little awkwardly. We didn't usually show affection in a physical way but I didn't care. I needed a hug tonight and I wanted to show Joe how much he meant to me.
"You're welcome, Bella," he said and gave me a small squeeze. "I'll see you in the morning."
It was comforting to know that I had reliable people like Joe in my life. I could trust his word completely when he said that he would be here when I woke up. Sadly, I couldn't quite do that when it came to Edward.
I went to bed and tried my best not to stare at my alarm clock and listen for the door. I cried a little but not nearly as much as I had thought I would. I felt calmer knowing that Angela and Joe would be there if something should happen with Edward and he decided not to come back despite his promise. It was only a little after 10 but I felt as though I had pulled an all-nighter. Still, I was actually amazed when I felt myself drifting off to sleep. I didn't think that I would be able to when I hadn't heard Edward come home, but my pregnant body demanded rest and my eyes finally closed around 11 when I put my hand on my stomach and mumbled a sleepy goodnight to the baby.
I woke up and immediately knew that he was there in bed with me. He was lying behind me with his body pressed firmly against mine and his arm curled around my waist. I took a deep breath and could tell that he had just gotten in. He smelled like fresh night air with a hint of cigarette smoke. I had no idea what time it was since I was facing away from the clock on the nightstand and it didn't matter anyhow. Edward had returned to me.
"You're home," I whispered.
He nodded against me and placed a lingering kiss on my naked shoulder where the tank top didn't cover my skin. Then he gave me another one, followed by another one. He trailed kisses up to my neck and brushed my hair to the side to gain better access. His hand on my stomach slipped under my top and he sighed when it came into contact with my warm skin. I shivered a little, both because he was cold and also because of the spark of desire I already felt in the pit of my stomach.
He nibbled on my earlobe and the small involuntary moan that escaped me seemed to embolden him because he moved his hand up and cupped my breast. My nipple hardened instantly under his cool touch and he groaned softly in my ear as he ran his thumb over it repeatedly. He pressed himself against me and I could feel him hard and ready as he rubbed his erection against my ass and kneaded my breast expertly. The faint throbbing between my legs increased and I couldn't stop myself from rubbing my thighs together to gain a little relief.
Quicker than I could register Edward rolled me onto my back and was on top of me between my parted legs. I blinked a few times and focused on his face. He looked beautiful as always and I reached up to touch him. The anger that I had seen in his eyes when he left was replaced by sadness and regret.
'I'm so sorry,' he mouthed before he leaned down to kiss me.
His mouth was soft yet demanding and the second I parted my lips his tongue brushed against mine and he moaned. He tasted like mint from my toothpaste and I was thankful that I couldn't tell that he had been smoking. The kiss quickly became heated and Edward started grinding himself against me and found my breast again with his hand. I wasn't any better, really. I moved my hips with his, my body loved the wonderful friction it caused and my hands slid under his shirt to caress his naked back.
Then things started happening really fast. Edward's shirt came off and my tank top followed. I was dizzy with pure lust and all that mattered was getting even closer to him. He pulled his pants down and mine as well. His hungry mouth was on my breasts, licking and suckling them until I thought I would die if I didn't get find release soon. I wanted him inside of me. I wanted to feel his thick hardness stretching me in the best possible way as he possessed me completely. Edward was panting against my chest and pushed my panties to the side. Then I felt him against me, running the head of his cock up and down my wet folds. He pushed forward slightly, slipping the tip inside of me and his hand brushed over my lower abdomen. Right over the spot where our baby was growing inside of me.
No! I can't do this!
It hit me like a tidal wave. All the desire I had felt a second ago vanished and the fire in my blood turned to ice.
What if he leaves me again? I love him so much and this is just all wrong! I don't want this, I don't want this! I want him to love me, not just fuck me!
I could feel myself breathing even faster than before while the tears streamed down the sides of my face wetting the shells of my ears. I could sense Edward not moving on top of me anymore and felt his hand against my cheek. I caught a glimpse of his face when I blinked away new tears and he looked completely devastated. His mouth kept saying my name over and over again with no sound coming out. My hands flew up and covered my face as I started sobbing violently. I felt Edward moving off me and I rolled onto my side facing away from him. Hesitantly he wrapped his arms around me and held me while I cried. I don't know how much time passed but eventually I calmed down. I couldn't cry anymore and I felt angry with myself that I had let my overly hormonal body take complete charge when clearly I wasn't emotionally ready for something like that. I should have stopped Edward much earlier and not let him believe that I wanted to sleep with him tonight.
"I'm sorry," I sniffed and drew a ragged breath.
I felt him turn me around to face him and he brushed away the last of my tears. I knew that I must have looked absolutely horrible with swollen red eyes but Edward didn't seem to notice. His gaze was as tender as ever.
'I am sorry,' he mouthed.
"I shouldn't have done this just now," I whispered. "I'm not ready for that."
'I know.'
"I…I don't trust you completely yet, Edward," I admitted.
He had a right to know how his actions tonight affected me. He looked hurt when I said it but I couldn't regret telling him the truth. It was just the way I felt. He sighed and nodded.
'I know,' he mouthed again.
"I want to trust you," I added. "But you make it really hard for me when you keep talking about leaving. Like earlier tonight when you accidentally grabbed me a little too hard."
He started to say something but I had to speak my piece and covered his mouth with my hand.
"I know why you thought you had to leave," I continued. "That you're scared of hurting me and the baby. But you have to know this, Edward: If I think for even a second that you will hurt us then I won't let you anywhere near us. I would never risk something like that and once the baby is born, if I feel that you are a threat then I won't let you touch it."
I took a breath.
"I know that sounds horrible, not letting you hold your own son or daughter but you need to understand that I am not naïve. As much as it will hurt I will always choose our baby's safety over having you in our lives. Can you trust me to make that call?"
Edward nodded and I removed my hand from his mouth.
"I won't let you hurt either one of us, Edward. I know you don't trust yourself, but please trust me."
He nodded again.
'I do trust you,' he mouthed. 'Thank you, angel.'
I smiled and he brought his hand up to touch my cheek.
'I will earn your trust,' he said slowly. 'I promise.'
I merely smiled again and leaned into his gentle touch. He moved his face an inch forward but hesitated immediately.
'Kiss?' he mouthed and looked very apprehensive all of a sudden.
"Yes, you can kiss me," I whispered, while my heart rate increased again. "I love kissing you."
He broke into a huge smile and was obviously relieved that I hadn't put a hold on all physical contact. As if I could ever do that. I couldn't pretend that Edward and I were just friends. We may not have made love after he had returned to me but there was no doubt in my mind that we were lovers in every sense of the word except the physical aspect. I loved Edward and I could see that he loved me. I didn't know why we hadn't said it yet when we had been so close to several times, but I decided not to dwell on it. I could see it in his eyes and that was more than enough for me.
Edward pressed his lips against mine and this time the kiss was slow and tender. His thumb stroked my cheek gently and he pulled away with a small sigh. When I opened my eyes to look at him he was smiling again and I returned it.
"I should probably get some sleep," I said and stifled a yawn. "I have work in the morning."
He nodded immediately and started to move off the bed. I remembered that we were both practically naked and quickly pulled my pajamas back on while he also got dressed. I was thankful that he didn't say anything about sleeping on the couch. Having him in my bed tonight after our heated encounter would be too much and I suspected that Edward felt the same way. He sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked my hair.
'Sleep,' he mouthed.
"You'll stay here until I fall asleep?" I asked.
He nodded and smiled.
'Goodnight, my Bella,' he told me.
"Goodnight," I whispered, but I was reluctant to close my eyes.
'Sleep,' he repeated.
"I'll see you in the morning?" I asked.
He nodded immediately.
"Okay," I said softly and closed my eyes.
I drifted off to sleep to the feel of his hand caressing my hair, the sound of his slow breaths and his promise to still be there when I woke up. I hoped that he wouldn't ever let me down again and we could finally start working on becoming a family.