21. Fear
He thought her knew fear. When he was six years old her threw a baseball that broke the window in his father's office. That was his first experience with what he thought was fear.
He thought her knew fear; getting caught smoking in school by the principal, sneaking out of the girls' dorms at 4am in college, going to war halfway across the world.
He thought he knew fear; hiding in ditch as bombs flew overhead, walking into an ambush and walking out with half your friends gone, standing on a landmine with only a six year old local boy who didn't speak English around to disarm it.
He thought he knew fear; getting caught counting cards; sleeping with the boss's wife, a gun pressed to his sweaty temple at the other end of a cigar smoking mobster.
He didn't know fear. No. The fear he thought he knew was a joke compared to what he just found out what real fear is. His knees become weak, too weak to carry his body that grows limp. His usually steady hands shake uncontrollably. His chest tightens, unbearably, and he can't breathe. He forgets how to breathe. His heart pounds madly in his chest, threatening to explode. His eyes blink, hysterically, tears flood his vision. And he forgets how to breathe. This is fear. Losing control of his body, his every sense, his mind. Until the only thought left coursing through him, through his mind, his heart, his soul is I'd rather die.
He learns that fear as it takes over him, as she lies on the hospital bed in front of him, gun shot wound to the shoulder, her clothes soaked in her own blood, unconscious…lifeless.
Losing Julia. This is fear.