How To Prep Coffee Beans

Chapter 21: Wiener Melange

It was towards the end of February when Ken's anxiety flared up again. It had started out subtle and relatively harmless shortly after visiting Ayato and Hinami, and he had shrugged it off. Of course he wouldn't be feeling well after discovering his intel about Aogiri had been wrong. Of course he'd be scared of the One-Eyed Owl potentially targeting him. It made perfect sense to be uneasy about unknown executives still wandering Tokyo's streets. And then there were Kanou's other experiments, who knew what they could be up to? And there was still the CCG searching for him and the fact that Arima Kishou knew his face. Ken, as terrified as he was of it all, put on a brave face and kept everything in, instead choosing to bury himself in Karren's German coffee and the Tsukiyama estate's massive library.

But a bad feeling still poked the back of his mind, and it only intensified as time went on. Ken found it especially strange considering nothing was happening. Touka had no updates. No investigators visited :re looking for him, not even Kuki. In fact, television news reported decreases in ghoul and investigator activity in multiple wards. Every time the evening news concluded, the estate's servants would release their held breaths and congratulate each other on the peace. Mirumo would smile and comment on what a great day it was before retiring to his room. Shuu would clap his hands together and murmur something in Italian, probably a grateful message to the world for letting them all live another day.

Despite all this, Ken found himself unable to relax. He would stare at the screen in awe as everyone left, even as someone turned the television off. "How nostalgic," Shuu once said, his words finally breaking the spell on Ken's eyes. "This reminds me of the old days when we didn't have a care in the world back in the 20th ward. Perhaps we'll all be able to live like that once again."

"Yeah," Ken said, nodding, "that would be nice."

But his tone wasn't sure, and it didn't go unnoticed. One day after the broadcast, Shuu put his arm around Ken, and the latter nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Excusez-moi," Shuu said, pulling himself back and holding up both hands, "I did not realize you didn't want to be touched."

"No, no, it's not that," Ken said back, shaking his head. "You just caught me by surprise is all. I'm sorry, I guess I'm just tense."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Um, let's go to bed."

But Ken often found himself unable to sleep. Even long after Shuu had dozed off, Ken would lie awake staring at the ceiling. Sometimes his breathing would pick up, and he'd pray to whomever would listen that the noise wouldn't wake Shuu. Please, please, let him be able to control his feelings. Let him not shake. Let him not cry out. On the nights when he could sleep, it would be a restless, troubled sleep with the occasional nightmare. Even then, he refused to say anything.

What troubled him the most was how often his anxiety spiked around Shuu. Shuu, who had once been his only comfort, was suddenly his primary trigger. Reading with him, drinking coffee with him, and even merely being near him made his heart pound and his brow sweat. It only became worse as time went on. As January introduced February and as February threatened him with March, every little interaction the two had made him want to run and hide under the blankets in his old room. "I'm regressing," he whispered one day in the silence of the library. "No…oh no, oh no, no…"

How had it come to this? Everything had been going so well. He had a safe home, a warm bed, and all the books and coffee he could ever want. He had friends looking out for him all over Tokyo along with guards lined up around the estate. He had a loving, caring boyfriend who had done so much to make him happy, who would give him the world if he could.

Sometimes it even felt like Shuu had already given him the world. One day, Shuu pulled a shiny black card from his wallet and said, "We're going on an online shopping spree!" He had mentioned buying Ken new clothes multiple times in the past, but the two of them finally sat down that afternoon and scrolled through every clothing store they could find.

"Ah, this looks very chic," Shuu said, clicking on a picture of a slim, black sweater. "Elegant, sophisticated, we pair this with some slim-fit pants and you'll be good to go."

"It's nice," Ken agreed, resting his head on Shuu's shoulder. He focused on bouncing his leg so the parts of him touching Shuu would go unnoticed.

Shuu grinned. "We'll get it then. What about some color though? Most of what we've seen so far has been black, white, gray, or some other neutral. It's true you look great in black, but there has to be some variety."

Ken eyed him. "You think I would look good in colors?"

"Perhaps not bright colors. I don't think they suit you. Non, I think deep, rich colors would look better on you. Like your Christmas party suit! Yes, let's look for darker colors. Reds, purples, greens, blues…" Shuu scrolled through another site until a collared shirt caught his eye. "Look, mon amour, like this! It's the same color as blood wine!"

"Ah, I like that," Ken agreed. "Maybe with those gray slacks from earlier—"

"Oui! Parfait! I'm ordering this now." Shuu was nearly giddy when he clicked "add to cart," and it tugged at Ken's heart.

"Are you sure you're okay with buying all of this?" he asked. "It seems like an awful lot."

Shuu picked up his black card again, still grinning. "Unlimited credit."

"But can you—"

"Don't worry, Papa won't say no to us."

"You didn't even ask your father?"

Shuu put his credit card down in favor of his phone. He typed a quick text and barely had to wait before he received a response. "Permission received," he said, showing Ken the screen. The text from Mirumo said, "You can buy whatever you and Ken want. Papa will handle it."

Ken didn't respond at first, just staring at the screen and suddenly feeling like he wanted to cry. "Unbelievable," he finally said, shifting his gaze to Shuu. "Just like that. I feel like I should have expected that though."

"If you want, you can thank Papa later by showing him all your new clothes. I'm sure he'd love to see them. Now then, what about prints?"

Ken froze. "Like on your clothes?"

"Only if you want prints like that."

"Uh, no, I—"

"I understand if you feel more comfortable in solids, mon chouchou, but there must be a subtle print out there you like."

Ken shrugged and looked down at his hands, which were starting to tremble. His leg was still bouncing. "We can look, I guess."

They eventually found pinstripe slacks and a shirt with a muted criss-cross pattern. After that, Ken decided he had had enough shopping for one day. A mere day later, everything arrived at the Tsukiyama estate's front door, and Ken nearly burst into tears when he saw the piles of boxes. Before he could beg to send them all back, Shuu insisted that he try everything on, adding that the tailor was already on his way to make any necessary adjustments. Knowing that, Ken couldn't refuse, but a brick of guilt kept slamming the back of his head the whole time. Not even Shuu and Mirumo's praises of "Fantastique!" and "Très bien!" could lift his spirits. He spent that night awake in bed again, the sheets balled up in his mouth to prevent himself from making noise.

Ken also found that training brought him no relief. What once had given him a (somewhat) healthy way of expelling negative, difficult emotions suddenly left him frustrated and unsatisfied. Nothing about the routine had changed either. He and Shuu mock battled at their full strength, their limbs full of power and their kagune unleashed in their full glory. Hands balled into fists and collided with one another while legs advanced and retreated in a strategic dance. Tentacles maneuvered around a sharp, elegant blade that expanded and retracted effortlessly. The two of them often emerged from training bloody, bruised, and beaten, prompting panic among the servants. While Shuu laughed good-naturedly at their concern and reassured them some rest and food would heal them right up, Ken panted and cursed himself for wanting more.

"Can we skip training today?" Ken once asked. He kept his eyes downcast focusing on his fidgeting fingers.

Shuu's brows rose. "If you would like," he said, voice void of judgement. "We don't have to do anything you don't want. I must say though, I'm a bit surprised. You're usually the one who wants to train more than me."

Ken shrugged. "I don't know, I'm just not feeling it."

"Vraiment? But you've been so on point recently."

"I don't know, okay?"

"Ah, my apologies, I shouldn't have questioned you. Oui, we'll skip training today. Is there something else you'd rather do?"

Ken shrugged again.

Shuu smiled gently. "One of those days, I'm guessing? That's quite alright. Would you rather be alone?"

Ken finally nodded. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize. I'll let you be."

Ken soon found himself curled up on the couch in the very back of the library. A book sat on the floor in front of him, one that had been opened but not a single word of it read. He kept his head down as he turned away, a great shame building up in his chest at the mere sight of it.

Two weeks before March, Ken found himself looking at the calendar hanging in the kitchen. He had just finished cleaning his coffee cup, and his fingers were wrinkled as he reached for the paper to reveal the next month. His cup hadn't even been that dirty, but continuously rinsing it had given him something to do.

Ken nearly screamed when he saw the first circled date in March. He slapped his hand over his mouth, and his eyes widened as he took in the sight of "Shuu's Birthday" written under March 3rd. He smacked the February page back down and looked side to side hoping no one had seen. "Is that it?" he asked himself, slowly pulling his hand away. With a few deep breaths, he headed towards the parlor but found no Shuu.

"Master Ken?"

Ken nearly yelped and turned to see Matsumae. "Are you looking for Master Shuu?"

"Ah, yeah."

"He's in the music room. I believe he is currently in the middle of composing a piece."

"Oh, I don't want to bother him then."

A smile tugged at Matsumae's lips. "Master Ken, with all due respect, I do not believe you could ever bother Master Shuu."

Ken's suddenly clammy hands came together, and something very thick seemed to appear in his throat. He swallowed hard and said, "Alright, thanks." With another shallow breath, he left the parlor, unaware of Matsumae's narrow eyes and vanished smile.

Sure enough, Ken could soon hear the occasional melody as approached the music room. He reached for the doorknob when the tune stopped but pulled his hand back once it started up again. When it stopped, he made no move until the room had been silent for several minutes. He breathed in as deeply as possible and knocked, receiving a prompt "Oui, come in."

Ken slowly pushed the door open and poked his head inside. "Shuu?"

"Ah, mon petit!" Shuu said, turning on the bench with a smile. "S'il vous plaît, come in. Do you need something?"

"No," Ken said, shaking his head and closing the door behind him. "Well, maybe, sort of. Um—"

"Please come closer, cheri, you may join me if you'd like."

"What do you want for your birthday?"

Shuu stopped and blinked a few times as he took in Ken's crooked posture and shy, downcast gaze. Ken's shaking fingers sure had become quite the fascinating sight over the past few weeks, and now was no exception. With a patient sigh, Shuu called for his love, and, when he had Ken's attention, motioned for the other to join him at the piano. He smiled as Ken walked forward and sat down.

"There now, isn't this better than talking from opposite sides of the room?" he asked with a playful tap on Ken's shoulder. "That's quite the question though, what I want for my birthday. Honestly I haven't given it much thought. I'm certainly not looking for something from you, though I would love it if I could enjoy your company that day."

"No, no," Ken said quickly, shaking his head, "I want to give you something. Don't say that you just want to spend time with me; we do that every day. It's your special day, and I should do something special for you just like you did for me. I just don't know what to do or what to give you, that's why I asked." Ken finally looked up, bravely holding Shuu's gaze, and earnestly continued, "Please tell me what you want."

Shuu went to speak but closed his mouth and widened his smile. "D'accord, I will come up with something. Merci beaucoup, mon amour, you are very thoughtful."

Ken finally broke eye contact and looked down, shaking his head again. "I'm not thoughtful. I forgot until I looked at the calendar in the kitchen. I'm sorry, I should have remembered like you remembered mine. Then I would have more time to make something really special."

"Can I tell you a secret?" Shuu said as he gently nudged Ken's side. "I forgot about Karren's birthday up until this morning. That's why I've been in here all day. I'm composing a piece for her."

Ken's head shot up. "Wait! When is Karren's birthday?"

"April 23rd."

Ken visibly deflated. "You still have plenty of time. I only have, like, two weeks."

Shuu smirked. "Not to worry, I just thought of what I'd like."

Ken's entire being brightened again. "What is it? Tell me, I'll get started on it right away!"

"I'd like to have something very nostalgic. The news reports have been very much in our favor recently, so I'd like to relive those old days at Anteiku. Ken, my darling, I'd like you to serve me coffee."

A strange anger washed over Ken at this response. He frowned and lightly shoved Shuu's shoulder. "I make you coffee almost every day! That's not special at all."

"To me it is."

"I'm being serious here!"

"So am I. Please allow me to finish. I'd like you to put your knowledge of how to prep coffee beans to use and create a brand new signature blend for me."

Ken jerked backwards nearly falling off the bench. He stared at Shuu for a few seconds, then shifted his eyes around the room before settling back on Shuu. "Oh," he finally said, voice quiet and timid, "that's…definitely special."

Shuu's smirk widened slightly, but there was no snark behind it. He placed his fingers back on the piano keys and said, "I thought so. Do you think you can do it?"

"Yes, of course!" Ken replied a little too enthusiastically. "Yes, I can definitely do that. I'll figure something out before March 3rd, I promise."

"I know you will," Shuu said sweetly before a short, improvised tune rose into the air. He closed his eyes momentarily and then continued, "I like that. I'll include it in this composition. Would you like to hear what I have so far?"

"No. Ah, no, I mean—I'd rather hear the whole thing once it's done."

"Bien, I certainly hope Karren likes it."

"I think she will. Um, I'll leave you to it." Ken immediately stood, almost stumbling over his own feet as he headed towards the door. "See you later, thank you for telling me what you want."

"De rien. Thank you for asking."

Once he was in the hallway, Ken quickly closed the music room door behind him and ran for his and Shuu's bedroom. He locked that door behind him and dove for his phone. Frantically he scrolled through his address book and pressed the "call" button next to his chosen name. He panted heavily as he heard the phone ring, and after a second ring the other person picked up. "Hello?"

"Nishio!"

"That you, Kaneki? What's up?"

"Are you busy right now? I'm sorry, I just realized I should have texted first."

"Nah, I'm on my break. Just chilling in one of the back rooms. You okay? You sound really out of breath."

"Yeah, I am. Well, sort of. Sorry, it's a long story." Ken paused and pushed his hair back, hating how damp and heavy the strands felt. With another breath, he continued, "I'm sorry, I should explain. I'm just freaking out right now, and I don't know what to do, and you're the only person I know I can talk to about this—"

"Kaneki, what the hell is it?" Nishiki asked as he sat up straight. He was alone in the break room but felt a sense of claustrophobia merely from Ken's tone. "You literally sound like you're about to have an anxiety attack. Are there Doves nearby? Do you feel threatened for some reason?"

"No, no, it's nothing like that."

"Then calm down and tell me what's going on. God, don't give me a heart attack."

"I'm sorry," Ken mumbled out before taking a few deep breaths. "I just—I really need to talk to someone about this, and you immediately came to mind. It's something I've been thinking about for a while now, but recently it's been the only thing on my mind, and it's scaring me. I need advice."

"Okay, okay, I got you. You sound a bit calmer now, so go on and tell me what's up. I'll listen to whatever you have to say." With a smile, Nishiki reached for his coffee cup and gulped a large mouthful.

"I think I want to have sex with Shuu."

Nishiki spat the entire mouthful against the break room's wall. "KANEKI, WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, KANEKI."

"What?"

"You call me on my break to tell me about your sex life with Shitty-yama? What the actual fuck, Kaneki, what THE HELL did I do to deserve this?"

"But you—!"

"Is this about that time I tried to eat your human friend Naga-whatever? Look, Kaneki, I'm very sorry about that, okay? Although I REALLY thought we had called it even back when you impaled me in the gut."

"What? No, this doesn't have anything to do with Hide!" Ken flinched when he said the name but continued anyway. "This is what I wanted to talk to you about. I think I want to have se—"

"DON'T SAY IT AGAIN!"

Ken pulled the phone away from his ear at the sudden shriek and cringed. Nishiki hadn't sounded so disgusted and horrified since he battled Shuu over Kimi in the church all those years ago. And once that thought appeared, Ken realized that Nishiki probably wasn't the best person to call for advice in this particular instance. "I'm sorry," Ken said weakly, dropping his head. "I'm so sorry, Nishio, I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have called you. I should figure this out on my own."

Nishiki groaned and sat back in his chair as he put his empty cup down. He rubbed his temple feeling a headache coming on. "No, no, I'm sorry I yelled, I shouldn't have done that. You just shocked the hell out of me, like sex with Shitty-yama is literally the last thing I ever want to hear about."

"I'm sorry, it's just that you're the only person I know who's definitely done it before."

"I don't know if I should be flattered or creeped out."

"Nishio!"

"Alright, alright, calm down, Kaneki. I'll help you this time as long as you promise to never bring this up with me again. Now tell me what's going on. How did you come to this conclusion?"

Ken took a deep breath and explained, "My anxiety has been really bad lately for no reason. It's weird because there have been no threats. There haven't been a lot of reports about ghoul or investigator activity, and according to Touka no one's come to :re looking for me. Shuu even said it kinda feels like the old days in the 20th ward. And yet…" Ken stopped and slumped forward. "And yet I can't shake this weird feeling whenever I'm around Shuu. It's like I'm scared as hell that everything is going to disappear if I don't do something. Like if I don't grab him and hold onto him, someone's going to take him away. And I also feel like a bad boyfriend because we haven't done anything like that yet. He's been so good to me, taking care of me and all, that I feel so guilty for not giving him anything in return. He always says that he's happy just being around me, but I feel like he's just saying that to make me feel better. So even if the CCG doesn't take him away, he'll walk away if I don't—"

"Kaneki, I'm going to stop you right there." Nishiki held up his hand even though Ken couldn't see it, and his voice was low and firm with authority. "You need to banish that thought right this instant. It doesn't matter who you're dating or who you wanna have sex with or whatever. If that other person is going to leave you or if they're lying to you or if you think you owe them sex for some reason, they are not a person you should be having sex with. They are not a person you should even be associated with. And, yes, this even goes for that fucking Gourmet."

Ken sniffed, not realizing that his emotions were starting to take over. "Nishio…"

"Besides it really doesn't sound like you have anything to base those feelings off of," Nishiki continued. "Tsukiyama was the one who volunteered to take you in; he said he would take care of you. I hate to admit it, but he was pretty genuine about it. He wasn't expecting anything in return. For him, the two of you getting together was just a sweet bonus on top of your safety. I don't know the details about your relationship, and honestly I really don't want to know, but I'm willing to bet that he wouldn't mind if you two never went beyond holding hands."

A smile finally found its way onto Ken's face, and he let out a short laugh. "We've gone beyond that. We even share a room—"

"Kaneki, I literally just said that I don't want to know the details. Shut the fuck up."

Ken laughed a little harder at that. "Sorry. Thank you, Nishio."

"Let me just say one other thing before I go wash my brain out with bleach. Kaneki, I really don't think this anxiety is stemming from a desire to have sex. I think you're afraid to be happy."

Ken stopped short, his eyes widening and a chill rushing down his spine. "What?"

Nishiki sighed and leaned back in his chair, his voice taking on a softer tone as he spoke. "You said that you've been feeling anxious even though things are peaceful, right? Like despite all the good news something terrible is going to happen? This is the first time you've been able to relax in forever. No one is coming after you, and even if someone was you have a full support team ready and willing to protect you. You even have a romantic partner who seems to love you unconditionally. You're afraid of all that disappearing. More specifically, you're afraid of the pain you'll feel if all of that disappears. Am I right?"

Ken was silent for what felt like forever. The chill from his spine raced through his nerves and somehow found its way into his blood. He found himself shivering from the suddenly-cold sweat on his forehead. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out.

"Yup, I am," Nishiki continued. "Look, Kaneki, I know I can't just tell you to stop worrying. Anxiety doesn't work like that. All I can really say is that you shouldn't push happiness away out of fear. I think you should talk to Tsukiyama about this, too, if you haven't already. He'll probably be able to reassure you more than I ever will. But I can at least tell you that being afraid of happiness gets you nowhere. You're better off embracing it because doing anything else is only rehearsing misery that might not even happen."

Ken's voice finally decided to return. "But I—!"

"And if you're wondering how I know all this, it's because I, too, was once afraid of being happy."

Ken stopped at that and felt the ice in his system start to melt. An image of Kimi flashed through his mind, and after a short pause he nodded and smiled. "I understand. Thank you, Nishio."

Nishiki rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. Just, like I said earlier, please don't ever bring this up with me ever again. I legit feel like I just ate taiyaki."

Ken let out a laugh, a real, amused laugh. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not." And Nishiki hung up.

"Nishiki!" Touka called as she opened the break room door. "Break's over. Come back down."

Nishiki shook his head, his face pale and distorted in disgust as he put his phone in his pocket and stood. "I'm taking the rest of the day off. Feel like shit."

"You can't do tha—WHAT ARE THOSE BROWN STAINS ON MY WALL?"

Ken stood outside the music room listening to the melodies coming from just beyond the door. He closed his eyes and conjured up the image of Shuu sitting at the piano, his back facing the door and his eyes focused on the sheets and keys before him. Ken could picture his perfectly fitted, collared shirt stretching as he moved his toned arms across the keyboard, his long, elegant fingers tapping keys as they danced further down the line. His could see every movement of the muscle underneath Shuu's skin thanks to the rolled-up sleeves. Shuu's fingers sometimes paused to write down a few reminders or ideas on his music sheets, but soon enough they would be back on the instrument testing out new sounds. His eyes steeled and his ears opened, focusing only on the sounds and how they melted together as they floated towards the ceiling. However Shuu decided to complete Karren's birthday present, Ken had no doubt the song would be utterly beautiful.

"…Would you ever write one for me?"

Ken pressed his forehead against the door and let out a deep sigh. Pushing away his fears was more difficult than he wanted it to be. This moment of listening to Shuu write music could disappear in a flash, but he refused to let that thought linger too long. After all, he had his own melody to write, one in the form of coffee.

Wiener Melange

This is another coffee drink from Austria ("Wien" is German for "Vienna"). Some describe the taste as similar to cappuccino but a bit milder.

You will need: espresso, 1 egg yolk, 2 tablespoons of brown sugar, and whipped cream

1. Brew a regular shot of your favorite espresso in a large cup.

2. Mix the egg yolk and the brown sugar together with the espresso.

3. Top with the whipped cream.

Recipe courtesy of Chameleon Cold Brew.