I know it's been forever, so bear with me......this is a little rushed, but i thought it had been too long.....

keep up with the reviews, thanks!!

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There is something supremely cool about a girl who, at the tender age of thirteen, sleeps with a teacher, and then rebelliously runs away from school, disappearing into Eastern Europe for three months.

There is something truly disgusting and creepy about a 13year old girl who screws her brother's brains out, and then, after he commits suicide, buggers off.

Lee had been a legend. She was cool, rebellious, intelligent and sexy.

Lee had been a legend. She was an incestuous, inbred creep.

"…..and then, even though they were brother and sister…they……"

"I know! And you know what else, their parents were brother and sister too!"

"So, sort of like your parents, then?"

The third year turned around. I waited for him to cower.

Instead, he lifted his chin and sniffed, "so," smiled, "you realise that by using that against me like its an insult only proves that you think it is disgusting, too."

"I might if it were true." I told him coldly, "now, I think that's quite enough for one evening, junior. Would you like me to take you to the toilet before bed time?"

The third year laughed.

"I'm flattered, really, I am. But I wouldn't feel safe turning my back on you in the toilet."

His friends snigged.

Fun, I thought, it bites back.

"What?" I asked, "worried I'd do the world a favour and bash your head in? You needn't worry, sweetheart, the girls toilets have locks on the doors, to give you privacy, preserve your feminine decency, so to speak."

"I suppose you'd know," he shrugged. Weak, I thought, just going to chuck my own insults back at me, are you?, "you're actually being quite rude, you know. But don't worry, I forgive you. You're just upset because you finally realised that you're not your dream-girl's type. She prefers immediate family members."

I writhed internally, but, maintaining my cool, simply treated the bastard to some Black superiority.

"I hate to burst your bubble, junior," I said, as archly as I could, "but I don't really feel that way about your mother."

By now, we had an audience. Behind me, the sixth years were sniggering, and a group of third year girls watched the boy intently.

"Oh," he said, and I saw his eyes flash, "well, I'm upset. I may cry myself to sleep every night, wishing I had Sirius Black as a father, considering how he's such a wonderful brother….."

I restrained myself admirably, I thought, "well, bad luck for you, but you're not my son. If you were, I would have drowned you at birth, to save your future husband the trouble. "

The boy was grasping at straws as his posse tittered, "husband?" he gaped, "I've told you once, and I'll tell you again, Black, I 'm not interested in you."

Perfect opening, "wait, so now I'm your husband and your father? Now who's incestuous?"

He frowned, so I pressed my advantage,

"Oh, wipe that expression off of your face. Nobody likes a girl who looks like she's sucking on a lemon! I'm sorry for being so harsh on you, but, in future, cupcake, would you mind leaving me out of the sick, twisted fantasies you play over and over again in your head? They make me feel slightly violated."

Open laughter now, from our spectators.

"Sirius?"

Annika sauntered up behind me, drawing dreamy looks from the third year boys.

"Hey," I smiled at her, "be right there, I'm just educating this little lady in the way of the world," I turned back to the kid, expression totally serious, "here are the basics for you, sweet cheeks. The stronger ones make the rules; the weaker ones follow them. Every now and then, one of those weaker ones breaks away from the pack, avoids all the bigger ones who are trying to crush it, and becomes a stronger one. You are not one of those. So sit tight and keep a weather eye on the horizon, because one day, if you do get a chance to be one of the 'strong ones' (I doubt it), you're going to need as many friends as you can get. So I wouldn't pick any fights with me. Not just yet."

There was a very hostile silence, not at all as cowed as I had imagined, and then Annika laughed, "enough playing around, Sirius," she grinned, "come on, now. You don't want to break their spirits completely, they'd be no fun."

I allowed her to tug me away, and didn't say anything when she waggled her fingers at them in farewell.

Am I not the epitome of self control?

"What in the blood hell did you do that for?" I snapped, as soon as we were out of earshot.

Annika shrugged, "it wasn't going anywhere, you'd said all that you could. And I didn't want to wait around for half an hour while you traded insults like, 'well, you smell funny', or ' my hair is nicer than your hair'."

She had a valid point.

"Still," I complained, "on principle….."

"Get over it," Annika sighed, "you just wanted a chance to be prince charming. Don't bother, because she wasn't paying attention."

Huh?

"Huh?"

Annika rolled her eyes, looking supremely irritated, "Sirius," she snarled, "are you so completely idiotic? Did you really not notice that she was there?"

Who was where?

"Huh?"

"Lee! Oh, for god's sake, Sirius! I have no idea how your mind works, but tell you what, it isn't normal. Are you truly telling me that you kicked up that huge fuss, just for the sake of it? Are you saying that you didn't know she was there?"

I hadn't, either. I had been vaguely aware of different spectators, but really, was I expected to identify one random face in the crowd?

"Well, if you're arguing about that random face, yeah," was Annika's irritated answer when I voiced this, "I assumed you were trying to show your devotion to your friendship, or something."

In a way, I actually had been, I realised now. I had been hoping that, somebody there close to Lee or not, would relay the tale of my brilliant and brave defence of her honour. I hadn't dared hope for Lee herself to witness, but then….

"You say she wasn't paying attention?" I prompted, and Annika smiled.

"it was beautiful to watch. She was walking past, chatting with some Slytherin boy, and when she heard her name mentioned, she glanced up, rolled her eyes and said, pretty loudly, "isn't it just sad what some people make up for revenge?" just like that."

I was confused, "revenge? She said that?"

Annika nodded, combing through her hair. I was at a loss.

"Yeah, she's hanging around with the Slytherins more, now. Like, she was with that Elspeth Grimshaw before. And I saw Black talking to her in the hall before."

It always amused me how people would refer to Reg as 'Black' to me, as though we were separate entities. Now, however, I was a bit preoccupied, "ok, so she's not with Lily?"

Annika shook her head, "no, they had a massive big fight. Like, epic proportions."

Annika was nothing if not a constant stream of gossip.

I learnt more in the next two minutes than I would have in a day of research. Lee had skipped breakfast that morning, Lily had sought her out and found her by the lake. They had spoken civilly, if slightly coldly, until Lily burst into tears and apologised about her brother, which had started an amazingly vicious screaming match which had several teenage boys hopefully anticipating some girl-on-girl wrestling.

I had been hiding in my dorm for the past two days, and so had missed most of the drama, which apparently climaxed with said fight.

I regretted that somewhat now.

Annika had laced her fingers through mine, now, and was leading me along the hall. When I asked her where we were going, she muttered something about idiots and neglected to elaborate in any useful manner.

I found I didn't really mind all that much.

……..

I honestly have no idea how to continue from here. My quill is hovering above the paper, ready to write, and yet the most I have done in the past hour is dip it again and again in the ink well, and resumed position.

Just before, perhaps an hour and a half ago, we were all eating dinner, Remus, was there, Alistair, too, and some idiot (probably Alistair, come to think of it) brought up members of the order who'd died, and I spent the conversation with my fingernails digging so far into the palms of my hand that I almost broke the skin.

Of course, I couldn't escape notice forever, and so, when Alistair thoughtlessly announced her name…..well. You can imagine.

Molly stiffened a little, and Remus almost ate his fork along with his next mouthful.

Of course, to make things more awkward, Alistair noticed our expressions, that insane eye whizzing about in his head to focus on us, and frowned.

"Honestly, Sirius," he huffed (which suggested that my face looked a little less than composed), "can you still not talk about her? Probably time you got over that, boy. Too many years have gone by for you to mourn her now."

I tried very hard to keep my temper, I even continued to cut a little piece of steak on my plate, "yes, well, Alistair," I said, not trying to sound hearty, "I only found out she was….gone…. two years ago. We didn't really have much access to obituaries down in Azkaban."

It was incredibly quiet. Everybody else seemed to have heard the distinctive 'leave it alone!' note in my voice. But Alistair was never very good at picking up subtle hints.

He shrugged gruffly, "yes, well. When you think about it, you'd have reckoned that you'd gotten over her before she went, anyway. She left you, wasn't that how it went?"

The silence that followed was incredibly awkward.

Molly, good naturedly, I suppose, brightly announced, "pudding for desert!" an inane comment which everybody ignored (thankfully).

"Yeah, that was how it went," I snapped back at Alistair, "but I suppose that I can look back on those days with one thing to comfort me……at least I had somebody there to begin with!"

Alistair's eyes narrowed, and I felt a little thrill of satisfaction; I still had the ability to make people squirm.

"Sirius." Remus cautioned, and rightly so. I ignored him. So did Alistair.

"Well," he said calmly, "that put me in my place. Now you just have me wishing that I'd done exactly what you did and found myself a nice little 'girlfriend' who didn't want to marry me, moved in, fought constantly, knocked her up and then done something so terrible that she'd leave. That would have been the way to go."

Arthur cleared his throat, "come on now, Alistair, that was a little uncalled for. You too, Sirius. Just stop it, both of you."

"Uncalled for?" Alistair snorted, "Arthur, I don't care what this clown says about me, but when he acts all offended when people bring up her name, well, that just irritates me. We all saw her face that night. Whatever he did to her pretty much forfeits any right he has to grieve."

Molly pursed her lips, "that is ridiculous. Alistair, just stop it."

"Why?" he snorted, "she was a student of mine, wasn't she? I knew her well. Clever girl. Had everything going for her, didn't she? And still, she dies, not even 30years old, alone and unloved, with a blooming kid, for crying out loud. None of us knew where she was, or even knew she was gone until they called us up and told us, and that was months later."

I didn't really need to hear all this, so I stood up, and Alistair glared at me, "you going somewhere, boy?" he snarled, and I remembered him saying the same thing to me, almost two decades back, "because I will tolerate just about everything except a man turning his back on a fight, and this one's been coming for a while now."

So, predictably goaded, I turned back, "oh yeah?" I hissed, "do your worst."

Alistair leant forwards, looking me in the eye, "don't need to, do I?" he asked nonchalantly, "the past speaks for itself. Your girl died thinking you were a lying murderer, cause whatever you did to her was so bad that she felt she could expect the worst, and you have two living relatives, one who wants you dead, and the other, your own child hasn't even seen your face."

There was very little I could say, and when Alistair leant forwards again, I simply braced myself.

"And," he added, "she doesn't know who you are, because her mother never told her your name."

I was across the table with my hands around his throat in barely a second. Of course everybody else simply moved out of the way and let me punch him, but once was enough, and then I was back on my feet.

"I never meant to hurt her, alright?" I shouted at him, "you know what she was like, if somebody took a step to the left, she'd run a mile to the right, she constantly overreacted. What I did," I paused, "what I did was wrong. Both times. But you tell me that it was fair for her to, to disappear like that without giving me a second chance and I swear I'll punch you again. We always knew it would end badly, and if it did then that was my fault, but I'll tell you one thing now." I was shaking with rage by now and nobody was trying to calm me down, "we loved each other so much, so bloody much, that even when we were fighting we could feel each other. We were at each other's throats all the time, but everything we did, we did with more passion than any other couple in the order managed. If we hated, we loved 100times as much, and I dare any of you to deny it."

I felt Arthur's hand on my arm, "nobody would, Sirius," he said quietly.

"And for that reason," I said, my voice breaking, "for that reason I don't believe what you say, Moody. No matter what anybody else said, she would never have believed that I killed Lily and James, and if she never told our daughter my name, then she told her something else. You talk to that child and mark my words, she'll say something to you that'll make you see that somewhere along the line, some mark was made, and she might not know my name, but she will know me."

I was panting pretty heavily by then, and I had a good idea that I was probably pale, but flushed, and knowing me, my eyes were probably shining dramatically.

Thinking that, I had to suppress a grimace, knowing that once I would have looked handsome and impassioned, but now I only looked like a drug addict craving his next fix.

I wondered if she would have recognised me, would have taken me back when I left Azkaban, like I'd believed she would. I'd imagined getting out, finding her and just holding her.

Only, naturally, we never would have done anything as tender as simply embraced. More likely we'd be clutching at each other in our desperation to be close.

But would it have been like that.

After all, I wasn't so handsome any more.

Even as that little bit of self pity crossed my mind I looked out at these people, the only people I'd seen since I got out, really, my friends, and I finally recognised that common emotion in their eyes.

It was pity.

After my outburst, they didn't respect me, or even understand.

They pitied me, the way you do crazy people or animals in pain, just before you put them out of their misery.

I hate pity.

I left.

…………………..

It was Lily's fault that I felt I should apologise.

See, Lee wasn't talking to Lily any more, and Lily wasn't talking to me, Remus wasn't talking to anybody which I thought was ridiculous, seeing as nobody had done or said anything to or about him. Obviously, Lee wasn't talking to me, and I wasn't talking to Peter, and Peter wouldn't bloody shut up, which meant that he was literally the only one talking.

Every now and then, James would come out with something, but it was always either ridiculously terse or entirely immature, which meant it was basically never appreciated, so he learnt to shut up.

Annika thought we were all interesting just to watch, and would stare at us for hours, as though we were some odd exhibit in a museum.

Anyway. Lily's fault.

So, after a week and a bit of nobody talking, everybody had a headache, which really made very little sense, but, who cares. We were also trying to avoid each other, but that never seemed to work very well, as we all had the same haunts, being friends.

So it wasn't too much of a surprise when I came across Lily in a secluded corner by the lake.

What was a surprise was that she was bawling her eyes out.

She didn't ever explain why to me, even though she must've known that I'd seen her, seeing as my natural grace had momentarily deserted me, and while backing away I'd tripped, sprained my ankle and required medical care. But it didn't matter, because it was pretty obvious what would have her crying like that, and I knew that, in a way, it was my fault.

I'd been toying with the idea of making amends for the entire week and a half, seeing as Lee was bloody everywhere, lounging around with the Slytherins or the Ravenclaws, the very definition of versatility. She looked wonderful. Her hair was longer quite suddenly (either that or I just hadn't noticed it growing) and she laughed a lot, but since I knew her, I also knew that it was all a pretence, designed to demonstrate that she wasn't at all affected by what everybody else said. Not in the slightest.

So, I knew she was feeling rather fragile, and I knew there was very little time before she disappeared for good, a fact which still hadn't hit me completely yet.

Anyway, soon after the Lily incident, I was sitting with Frank Longbottom when Lee and her posse of SLytherins walked past.

She didn't even look at me, and Frank whistled through his teeth.

"ouch," he said with a well-meaning grin, "you two really aren't getting along, are you?"

I scoffed at this understatement, but Frank, being easygoing, didn't take offence. He just shrugged and smiled again.

"It is a pity, though," he said, "because you two were so awesome together." I raised an eyebrow and he nodded, "yeah. You fought like all hell, cats and dogs all the way, but geez were you stylish about it; everybody knew you had some kind of connection, like she never had with anybody else. And there was always this practically tangible attraction. People used to imagine your children. Pretty good looking they'd be, too. And with a lineage behind them like nobody's business."

I frowned, "I have a girlfriend." I told him.

He shrugged, "yeah, but who did you look at when they both went past? Who do you always look at? Not that I blame you, I mean," he whistled again, "she's amazing." Now he frowned, "couldn't believe that stuff about her brother. I mean, Lee's crazy, but that……" he shook his head, and I heard him saying 'you had some kind of connection, like she never had with anybody else' again.

And while Frank kept talking, I remembered Lee's eyes as she'd said 'e killed 'imself. 'Zat night, 'e killed 'imself'.

And then, not caring what it was that Frank had been saying, I interrupted with, "I wish I'd never started that rumour."

Frank frowned, stopping mid-sentence, "huh?"

I met his eyes, part of me screaming that I should shut up, "that rumour? I regret it so much now. I can't believe that I said that, but hey, young kid with his pride hurt? What do you expect?"

Frank frowned, "wait, you made that stuff up?"

I nodded, leaning back, "oh, ages ago. I guess somebody remembered it or mentioned it and it got spread around like that," I hooked my ankles behind the wall, ignoring Frank's look of disgust, keeping my eyes fixed on Lee's curls flying out everywhere as she kept walking away, not looking back, "it was back when we really hated each other. I asked her out, and she turned me down, you know, just after that kiss thing. I'd heard she had a brother, so I kind of mentioned that to somebody, don't even remember who, and then I just said something dumb like 'she probably screwed herself dry on him, and that's why she's such an ice queen.' You know those French'"

Frank looked revolted, "Sirius I can't believe you!" he exclaimed, "that you'd do that to somebody is just horrible."

I shrugged, "it got really out of hand, I know. I just wish everybody knew I'd made it up."

By nightfall, they did, and I was a pariah like you wouldn't believe.

I didn't mind so much, because I'd gone to that spot by the lake again, and I'd heard crying, but when I looked in, Lily wasn't by herself.

She was hugging someone with long blonde curls and a mean French accent.

…………..

Somebody knocked on my door a few minutes ago, and I didn't say anything.

No permission to enter granted.

They came in anyway.

"Didn't your mother teach you to……" I stopped. It was Remus.

He sat down gingerly on the edge of Reg's bed, and I waited.

He bounced a little bit, up and down, and bunched the quilt in his hands.

"That'll crease," I pointed out with a frown, "are you here to make me feel better, because I'm not in the mood for sympathy. Especially not from you."

Remus smiled at me, "oh, I know." His smile went a little wider then, and he laughed, but he wasn't looking at me any more.

"Do you remember," he asked suddenly, "the pie?"

I knew what he meant, of course.

It was quite near the end of the war, and everybody was insanely stressed, which everybody showed in different ways. She showed it by being even more bitingly caustic than usual, and by cooking, which was in a roundabout way, a way for her to punish all of us.

One night, Remus turned up. I don't remember what had happened, but he was flustered, and somehow, we got into a fight. She had made this lovely dinner, which was a surprise, which was to climax in this wonderful apple pie she'd spent a lifetime cooking, but she'd left for a moment, for some girl thing, i don't know what, and Remus and I had gotten into a massive argument.

We didn't see or hear her come back in. In fact, the first sign we had of her presence was when that wonderful pie abruptly began to swell, and then, absurdly, exploded, showering us with cinnamon scented apple pieces.

She was standing in the doorway, looking absolutely bored.

We gaped at her, with filling and pastry running down her faces, and she lifted her wand again, "shut," she said, pointing it at Remus, "up," moving it to me.

And then, we'd all started laughing and trying to clean the pie off of ourselves, and she'd smeared whipped cream on my nose, because she'd made it specially for the pie, and I'd smeared it on her, because she was a 'sweetie pie' and we'd finished up kissing it off of each others' faces, laughing the whole time.

"Yes, I remember the pie." I sighed. I could hear her laughing still, feel her lips brush my cheek.

Remus was quiet for a moment. I suppose her laugh was ringing in his ears, too.

Finally, he said, "you don't know this, but when….when she died, I went to France to see her." he scoffed, "I was unemployed, like normal, so I thought I had nothing to lose. Of course, when I got there, I realised I couldn't go through with it. Couldn't see her. Everybody was coming out with all this stuff about her….how she'd disappeared by stopping with magic and living as a muggle. How she'd moved all the time, trying to stop being found," he took a deep breath, "how she'd left a kid, a little girl behind. I couldn't see the body, but I knew I had to see the child. I had to see her for myself. So, I went along to the house. By then, Malfoy had already won custody, but he hadn't arrived yet, so I persuaded her carer to let me take her for a walk."

Remus smiled wistfully and I felt a stab of envy. Not only had he been at her funeral, but he'd spent more time with my daughter than I had.

"She was like a little doll, Sirius. Six years old and already beautiful. All this hair, like you wouldn't believe. They'd plaited it for her, but as soon as we left the house, she made me take it out. And of course, she just kept looking at me with these huge eyes…….your eyes, Sirius."

There was a very long pause. I didn't know what to say, mostly because I could not believe what I was hearing.

Remus sighed and continued, "anyway, she was so highly strung, aloof, I suppose, for almost the whole walk. She held my hand, but she didn't want to, you could tell. I was wondering whether I'd done the right thing, because it wasn't helping her, and it sure as hell wasn't doing a thing for me. I'd see that hair and think of her, and she'd turn around and I'd think I would get a respite, but she'd just look up at me with your eyes and I'd squirm," he paused, "and then, we passed this dog park, and she started squinting around, looking for something. I offered to let us walk through it, so we did, but by the end, she was in tears. I sat her down on this bench and asked her what was wrong. I wiped all the tears from her eyes and stroked her hair, but she didn't talk for ages," Remus stopped again, and when he started to talk once more, his voice was shaky, "when she did, she told me that she was sad because she couldn't see the dog."

My throat was strangely dry, "dog?"

Remus smiled, "she couldn't see the dog. The big dog, the black dog. Of course, I was confused, and a little apprehensive. Why did she want to see a dog? And then Estelle, your daughter, just looked up at me with these huge eyes and said, 'the big black dog isn't just any dog. Maman said that when I saw the big black dog, I'd know that my father was watching over me.'"

Neither of us spoke, and I realised I was crying.

I was crying, I think, not because of my wasted life and my wasted dreams.

I was crying because of a six year old girl sitting on a bench in France, wanting to see a black dog that would tell her that her father loved her.

Did you ever see that dog, Estelle?

Or, after a while, did you stop looking?

When Remus left, he paused at the door, just looking at me and said, "I treasure that memory, Sirius, and I know that you know why. But I shared it with you now, so you would know," his voice broke again, "so that you would know that no matter what anybody said about you, no matter what you did or what she heard, she loved you. Right until the end."

.............

Lee was on top of the astronomy tower. Or, rather, she was directly to the left of the astronomy tower, having clambered up onto the nearby roof instead.

I followed her, and realised for the first time how athletic she must actually be, considering the amount of strength needed to swing oneself up onto the ledge above, clamber along the tiles and perform a minor balancing act to walk over to the place where she had made herself comfortable.

Once I arrived, I promptly collapsed.

"You should 'ave used 'ze balcony."

"Huh?" I was mostly shocked that she had spoken at all, and after that, she was silent for so long a time that I wondered whether I had imagined it.

" 'Ze balcony? Eef you move along 'zere, you can swing onto 'zis spot without trouble." Lee hadn't turned to face me yet, but sat hugging her knees to her chest.

I copied her, wondering where this was actually going to go, and why I had bothered.

"What are you doing?" I asked quietly, watching her stare intently at, well, nothing I could see.

Lee sighed and shifted her foot a little, "watching 'ze colours change."

I wondered what she meant, even when she lifted a languid hand and gestured rather limply at the sky.

And then I realised.

"I like 'ze way it shifts from orange to blue, wi'zout any streaks. Like it was painted by somebody."

"Raoulf?" I asked, and then mentally kicked myself several times.

"No," Lee's voice was hard, "not like Raoulf. 'E liked streaks in 'is paintings, thought 'eet made things seem more raw. 'Zat is, when 'e wasn't painting pictures of me naked." Her voice grew extremely thin and sarcastic on this last sentence, which is, after all, to be expected, considering.

"Lee, I know you don't believe me, but I am sorry." I said quietly, "I thought that Lily knew, and when I realised that she didn't…….."

"See 'ow 'ze light is different now?" Lee asked blandly, "in France, we call 'zis ''ze blue hour', when every'ting is bathed in blue."

That was just the kind of ridiculous and idiotic thing which Lee would come up with. Women, I realised at that moment, are ridiculous. Did she expect me to come up with an answer to that? Everything is bathed in blue? What am I supposed to say without sounding either wankerish or idiotic.

"Oh," I nodded pensively, "so it is,"

Lee didn't even bother to shoot me one of her exasperated glances, which indicated that my answer had been even more pathetic than I'd realised.

Since Lee was sitting in front of me, I couldn't really see her face so well, although every now and then she would tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and I'd catch a glimpse of her profile.

What I could see was that she was hugging her knees to herself almost as though she were scared or upset, even if she didn't sound like she was either of those things. Also, she was barefoot.

"Don't you think you should be wearing shoes?" I asked her, without even thinking about it.

" 'Eef I thought 'zat, wouldn't I be wearing 'zem?" Lee countered almost immediately.

Fair enough.

"Listen, Black," she sighed, running a hand through her hair, "I don't think 'zat I 'ave time for your guilty speeches and 'eartfelt apologies," there was more disdain packed into that then I had thought humanly possible, but then her voice grew slightly dangerous, no longer contempt touched with affection, but more serious mocking, "so here, to make you feel better, I will tell you 'ow 'zis will go, and you can just pretend 'zat 'eet happened." She sighed and recited boredly, "you will give a long and passionate speech about why you are sorry, as though 'eet makes a difference. I will be angry and possibly try to push you off of 'ze roof. I will 'zen give my long speech about 'ow you 'ave betrayed my trust an' hurt me, blah blah blah."

There was a pause, but I knew there was more. Hell, I could tell what was going to happen next if we went down that road.

"And after 'zat, I will try to hit you, and you will probably grab my wrist or some'zing, and 'zen we will end making out on 'ze shingles, 'ere, until you feel guilty about Annika, blame me for 'ze entire thing, and 'zen storm off again."

Again, being a woman, Lee had insisted on making a speech I couldn't possibly have an answer for, and consequently, I was silent.

Lee, however, had a lovely segue to bring us back to polite conversation.

"So, to save us both some embarrassment, and also physical discomfort," she paused and added maliciously, "I am not slighting your kissing, Black, so much as commenting on 'ze fact that a roof is not a good place for sex." Unsure, I decided to stick with a nod of acknowledgement, "so, you should leave me to sit 'ere for a while, and later, after about 10minutes so Annika won't be upset, I may come down as well."

Sounds like a good plan, the cowardly part of me thought, now get off of the bloody roof!

Perhaps, mysterious somebody, if I had listened to my cowardly part, this story would have ended differently, and somehow happily, but, as it was, that same cowardly part that advocated leaving (and quickly!) was slightly daunted by the idea of jumping off of the roof, and so I stayed put.

"No, Lee," I began, "come on, we need to settle this."

"We 'ave settled 'eet," Lee said flatly, "we just did."

I scoffed, "oh, yeah. That little speech was really productive. Sorted everything out. Now we have closure."

"Don't be a child," Lee spat at me, " 'eef you 'ave some'zing to say, just say 'eet."

Fine, I thought. Only, did I have something to say? Personally, I wasn't 100% sure about it. Still, Lee was waiting, and the only thing worse than having her hate me was losing her respect, which was what would happen if I waited too long to answer, or didn't answer at all.

So, softly, I said, "listen, Lee," I took a deep breath. Bravery, man! My cowardly part urged happily. Easy for it to say, "I think you know how sorry I am." She sniffed and I continued, "I say that I think you know, because, frankly, if you didn't think I was sorry, I think you would have pushed me off of the roof by now."

Lee didn't nod, but then I didn't really expect her to.

I continued, "so, you know I'm sorry, and hell, I've learnt my lesson," her back stiffened, and the word MISTAKE flashed across my eyes. Quickly, I continued. If I couldn't do this properly, I'd at least finish before she could blast me, "but me being sorry isn't all that important in the scheme of things. What is important is that me and you, sorry, you and I, have a, well, pretty unique relationship, and we shouldn't lose it."

She looked like she was getting ready to talk. I forestalled her, "and yes, I know that it generally is me who screws things up, but hey, nobody's perfect, and this time, I think, seeing as you're leaving, we should make another go of it. After all, as fun as this 'simmering rage' thing that we have going is, we don't have the time for it. You're leaving in a few weeks. We should try to be at least amicable before you disappear forever."

There was a long pause, which meant that I had either done brilliantly or ruined any chance I had of winning her friendship. The odds were even.

And then, remarkably, Lee sighed, her shoulders relaxing, and looked over her shoulder at me.

A part of me wondered if it would be more dramatic if she were crying, and then decided no, because then it wouldn't be dramatic so much as ridiculous.

Besides, she looked so pretty there, smiling at me with her hair just everywhere, and that blue light she'd mentioned before enveloping her. I realised then what she'd meant when she'd said that. I wouldn't have changed a thing.

She took a deep breath and grinned, "amicable?" she asked, "well, to be frank, I'd rather be complete enemies or very good friends…it's more fun 'zat way."

I stayed where I was, jamming my hands in my pockets to keep from ruffling her hair, knowing that would probably lead to the aforementioned roof-snogging, which, although sounding rather appealing, was probably not a good idea.

"Girl," I winked, "we would make being amicable fun."

She smiled wryly and I wondered if there was anybody so pretty in the world. Probably not.

And then I realised that those thoughts weren't good thoughts, and so, I swung off of the roof and almost broke my back.

I heard Lee's laugh above me, and saw her head swing down to stare, her pretty hair falling everywhere.

Of course, when she jumped down, she landed perfectly. I snorted.

"I can pee standing up," I told her when she looked so smug, and she raised an eyebrow in disdain.

"I envy you so much." She drawled.

And so I tugged her hair and she laughed, and we raced each other back down to the common room and I realised in that moment that, universally hated as I was, it didn't matter, because I had the friends that mattered to me.

That would do.

For now.