The Gaze and the Glance
Author's Note: Oh lordy. This is pretty drama-filled, hahaha. I need to lay of the romance novels I think. D: Anyway, moving right along, I'll just let you all read in peace for a change. :)
Chapter 21
"Pay attention Elf! You can teleport, so flamin' use it!"
Kurt's first day back in the Danger Room, and of course it happened to be a day where Logan got to pick the exercise. Naturally, he had chosen a full-on fracas with illusory mutants they had fought in the past. Sabertooth, Avalanche, and Blob to name a few. It had not been a fun morning.
For the time being, Kurt was now taking refuge behind one of the hologram pieces of earth Avalanche had torn up, attempting to collect himself. Avalanche, so far, was being the biggest problem, so in another second or two Kurt was planning to go grab Wolverine, 'port him over toward Avalanche, and let Wolverine's claws do the rest.
This was of course, before he caught a glimpse of long, smoke-like black hair, and shimmery black skin. For a moment, he thought he must have surely lost his mind, but when he blinked and she was still there, he couldn't help himself.
"Jyulia?" She turned, and Kurt was knocked flat on his back by a kick to the chest. The simulation died around him, the enemies fading to their generic android shells, and Kurt was sitting up with a wheeze. "Vhy vould you put her in here?" He demanded, glaring at Logan.
"I didn't."
"She's not an enemy! Vhy is she part of de program?" His voice was rising in sheer frustration. So he hadn't managed to convince her to come back, why was it necessary to rub it in?
"Seriously Kurt, that wasn't me." Logan shook his head, looking nearly as alarmed as Kurt that a holographic Julia had shown up.
"For once he's right. That was on me," Cyclops spoke up from the door.
"And just what the hell are ya tryin' to pull Summers?" Logan crossed his burly arms.
"It was just a test." Scott shrugged. "I just wanted to see what you guys would do if we do ever have to fight Julia. And apparently the answer is get your asses kicked."
"For a test, that vas extremely cruel, mein freund." Kurt's voice was bitter enough to make the words sound more like an insult than a term of friendship.
I'd have to agree with Kurt, Scott. Xavier's telepathic voice boomed into all three of their thoughts simultaneously. Please come to my office, we need to discuss this.
Logan gave a little "I told you so" snort in Scott's direction, and Kurt found himself having a hard time resisting a powerful urge to punch Scott in the back of the head as he walked away. Not only had Scott's test been cruel, he felt it had been very uncalled-for. He for one didn't consider Julia a villain, and he was uncomfortable with the fact Scott so easily tossed her in with the other 'standard villains' in the Danger Room's program.
"I dhink I'm done for the day," Kurt said, shaking his head and turning to leave the Danger Room.
"Kurt, you know he's sorta right, don't you?"
"Vhat do you mean?"
"About fighting Jules. It's not like it ain't a possibility."
"I know. That doesn't mean I vant to practice it." In an odd way, it made him feel like he was somehow betraying her. That by treating her like an enemy, even if it was only in the Danger Room, that he would eventually actually begin to see her that way, and he truly, truly didn't want to think of her that way. No matter how deluded it might seem to the others, Kurt still wanted to believe that Julia wasn't with Magneto because she wanted to hurt humans, but because she simply hadn't known where else to turn. Julia wasn't his enemy, he didn't care what the others wanted to believe.
Several floors above, Scott was getting what could only be called an evil eye from Xavier, the older man's hands folded as he observed his student.
"I hope you have an explanation for this Scott."
"It was just a test Professor."
"It was crude. You know how he feels about her, and you know how badly her leaving hurt him. How could you expect Kurt to fight Julia?"
"With all-due respect, Professor, she's picked her side. And last I checked, she wasn't holding back because we used to be her friends."
"We are still her friends Scott. Julia may have gone to Eric, but that doesn't mean we have to abandon her. And I don't think you're taking into consideration how badly she could have hurt you in that farm house."
"She nearly broke my jaw."
"I think we both know she could have done much worse if she had chosen to. All things considered, you're probably lucky you're still walking. My point is, Scott, that Kurt is having a difficult time dealing with this; having Julia appear in the Danger Room is only going to make it worse, so I ask that you don't do so again. I would honestly prefer not to alienate Kurt because you feel the need to ask him to physically attack the woman he loves."
"I'm sorry Professor, but I felt like it was necessary to see what he would do, just in case. I won't risk the others if Kurt or Logan will end up hesitating to put her down."
"Would we be having this conversation if it were Jean who had defected to Brotherhood?"
"I...what?"
"I'm asking you to put yourself in Kurt's place for a moment. Imagine we were talking about Jean."
"I would do what had to be done." Scott said firmly, but not so firmly that the Professor couldn't detect the sudden doubt in his voice.
"Would you? Or would you be trying to find any possible hope to convince her to return? You would be trying to help her Scott, not abandon her, which is why you can't ask Kurt to do the same to Julia. And, while we're on the subject, as fond as you are for blaming yourself for everything, you are not responsible for Julia leaving, I imagine to some degree we all share the blame." Xavier sighed slightly, shaking his head. "Looking back now I imagine always telling her that she wasn't allowed to stand up for the people she cared about made our attempts at peace look fairly bleak. Most of you in the X-Men have enough experience with my policies, but I suppose I didn't ever discuss it enough with Julia for her to fully understand."
"But I was still the one who thought we should turn her over the MRD."
"As I said, I think we can all share a little of the blame," The Professor acquiesced, before his eyes suddenly darted upward. "Kurt just left."
"What? Where?"
"I'm afraid I don't know. He was shutting me out." The Professor shook his head, looking concerned.
"Do you think he knows where Julia is?" Scott asked, on the one hand disappointed that Kurt hadn't shared the information if he did, and on the other, fully understanding why he wouldn't want to.
"Even if he does, I don't think we should follow him. If Kurt doesn't feel he can trust us with her location, I think it would be wiser not to push the issue. As I said, I'd like to avoid pushing Kurt away-"
"But what if he's walking right into the Brotherhood?" Scott demanded. "Magneto might have let Kurt come and go, he might have understood why he would want to see Julia, but you know Mystique sure as hell won't. You can't seriously let him just wander off on his own like that!"
"I understand why you're worried Scott, I do. But we can't fix this for Kurt, he must find his own solution. I'll be keeping tabs on him with Cerebro, and we will go and retrieve him if it become necessary. However, until then, I think it's best we back off."
Though Scott didn't exactly agree with the Professor on this one, he knew he probably wouldn't have a whole lot of luck finding Kurt on his own, so he simply left it at that. That did not, however, stop him from wishing the Professor had at least sent someone after Kurt, just in case.
The door opened and Storm stepped half into the room, holding the cordless phone from the main floor. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but you may want to hear this Charles. Someone claiming to be Spiderman is calling from New York with some...worrisome news."
Julia's hair was shorter. Not by a lot, a few inches as most, but it was cut differently, bringing out a waviness he had only seen very early in the mornings when she didn't comb her hair before going to bed. Kurt wondered if anyone but him would have noticed the difference.
The only other thing that had changed was her eyes. They seemed apathetic somehow, as though she had become tired of everyone and everything. A big part of him longed to do something to make her smile, bring back the silver light in her eyes he had always adored, but the part of him that won kept him up on the fire-escape balcony where he could watch her without being seen himself.
This was fast becoming an unhealthy relationship on his end.
Julia had left the Brotherhood's headquarters, if that's what you wanted to call the pleasantly quaint little apartment complex, nearly an hour ago and Kurt had been following her along the rooftops ever since. If he was going to believe she was one of the Brotherhood, he wanted proof; or he likewise wanted some reassurance that he was right about her, that she wasn't the enemy he felt Scott kept trying to make her.
So far though, all she had done was wander around the streets of New York, particularly through an older section of town, between the suburbs and the big city, and he noticed she spent an awful lot of time down dark alleys where he wouldn't like to let anyone wander through alone. He wondered what she was looking for.
Julia made a turn onto a busier street, which meant Kurt had to migrate upwards to avoid getting into too much light and making himself obvious. She stopped at a corner, and simply seemed to be looking around for a few minutes, before suddenly turning back around and heading the same way she had come. Kurt had the strangest feeling he had somehow been spotted.
She didn't stop again until she had reached the Brotherhood house, and Kurt hung back until he saw the light come on in her window, and then teleported to the eave above. He didn't really know what he was waiting for, he didn't know what he really expected to find; he was starting to wonder if maybe he had just wanted to see her.
The window below him opened, and he saw the top of Julia's head emerge from inside.
"Jyulia?" Her eyes shot upwards, instantly recognizing his voice, and seeming to also instantly know where he was. Though the reaction wasn't quite what he had expected, Julia suddenly jerking back from the window.
"What are you doing here?" She demanded in a low hiss as Kurt climbed down to the open window, the better to talk to her, though she didn't seem to want to. He perched on the sill, balancing himself with a hand braced on the side. "If Mystique catches you-"
"She von't." As angry as she had seemed a moment ago, Julia suddenly softened again, perhaps he looked more despondent than he had thought. Her eyes wandered his face, and her hand touched his cheek lightly.
"Are you okay Kurt? Why are you here?"
"I don't really know honestly." He shook his head, leaning his head into her hand. "I guess I just miss my Jyulia."
Her eyes were sad when she met his gaze again, and she sighed. "Well, no sense in you sitting on the window sill in the cold. Might as well come in."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, come on." Her fingers wrapped around his and pulled lightly, closing the window behind him when he was inside. For a long time, they were awkwardly silent, and then Julia let go of his hand and turned to sit on the foot of the bed. "How's the shoulder?" She asked as though she didn't know what else to say.
"It's better. Barely even a scar."
"Good." She smiled, and though it was small, it seemed genuine. "I'm glad. Hank was worried you might not be able to use your arm afterward."
"Ja, but it vas only muscles. No bones. It healed up fine." This was not what he had wanted to talk about, at all. Trouble was, he didn't exactly know what he actually wanted to say. He just wanted things to be like they were before; he wanted Julia back, and he wanted to forget the entire incident of her killing anyone. Only he knew he couldn't. That wasn't something he could just ignore or truly forget. He knew it would probably always linger in the back of his mind. That said, he was more than willing to try to come to terms with it. "Are you okay Jyulia? Has Mystique-"
"I meant to ask you," She interrupted, "-why didn't you ever tell me she was your mother?"
Kurt was caught off-guard by this. Mystique had never really been any more keen on letting people know they were related than he was, though he supposed it stood to reason. There was little to no doubt in Kurt's mind that Mystique perceived Julia as a threat, both because she was new to the Brotherhood, and because of her ties to the X-Men, and was probably bent on either getting rid of Julia, or turning her into an emotional wreck. And if she thought managing to convince Julia that Kurt had been keeping secrets would be the way to do that, she would be pressing the advantage, even if it meant discussing her 'prodigal son'.
In answer to her question, Kurt could only shrug, arranging himself on the bed post beside her, completely unsure of what to do with himself. "It's not really something I vould vant to advertise. I vasn't really sure vhat I vould say anyvay."
"Did the others know?"
"Ja. Most of them."
"So why not me? Why didn't you tell me?" The look she gave him wasn't really sad, or angry, it was more confused than anything else. He perceived this was because she was trying to figure out why he hadn't told her; maybe thinking that it was because he hadn't trusted her.
"Because I didn't vant you to...to hate me. Or Mystique."
"Hmph. All I'd have to do to hate her is speak to her." Julia said, somewhat snidely, crossing her arms. "But why do you think I'd hate you for that?"
"You said so yourself, she's not de most likable person in the vorld."
"Well, yeah, but you're her son, you're not her clone. Nobody is going to judge you based on a family relation, Kurt. Certainly not me at least."
"I know you vouldn't. But...it's still a hard stigma to break."
Julia reached over and set her hand against his back, before leaning her forehead onto his shoulder. "I don't hate you. And I don't hate her for not wanting you. Personally, I think you turned out all the better being raised in a circus instead of by that psycho-witch."
"Ja. Suppose that's probably true." Kurt leaned his head against hers, but was sorely tempted for more. To feel her skin against his fur, to feel her breath on his neck, to feel her warmth under his hands, to have her close and hold her all night the way he had before. It was made all the more potent by the fact he couldn't have it. Or at least, not like before.
"Kurt?"
"Hm?"
"Are you mad at me?"
"I...no. I'm not mad at you, liebling. I'm mad at everydhing I think. I don't think any of dhis vas entirely your fault, but I don't think anybody can say they're innocent either."
"What about you? All you did was get shot."
"Ja, but...I also probably could have teleported before I vas hit. I vas just really angry at de vord- the name he almost called you."
"I think you may be a little too chivalrous for your own good sweetheart." Julia said with a soft chuckle.
The sound of footsteps outside the door had both mutants breaking the semi-embrace and springing to their feet. For a moment, they merely looked at each other in a panic, automatically assuming the worst, before Julia suddenly grabbed a hold of Kurt by the front of his shirt and literally threw him into the closet before squeezing in beside him. Their bodies were wedged together in just such a way that Kurt was supremely aware of how small the closet had suddenly become, and that he could feel her heart beating against his own, her breath on his ear.
They held as still and silent as possible, and listened to the bedroom door open, steps around the room, and then silence before the door finally closed again. After a few moments of quiet, which seemed to indicate the room was empty, Julia let out a quiet exhale against his neck, burying her face there and burrowing against Kurt in the small confined space, her arms wrapping around his neck. He felt he suddenly understood how lonely she was here, isolated from her friends.
"Do you have the Image Inducer with you?"
"Ja, vhy?"
"I want to get out of here. I don't care where. Anywhere. I feel like this place is making me go freaking crazy. I need to leave. And I...I wanted to see you for a little longer..."
"I vill go vith you. At least for tonight." He promised, kissing the top of her head. Kurt knew it was a terrible idea. He knew there was no way spending the night with her was going to ease the ache; it could only make it worse when they were forced to separate again. And he knew they would be, sooner or later. But he couldn't say no. He wanted to disappear for the night as much as she did, maybe more.
But that didn't change that fact that in the morning reality would come screaming back to tear them apart.
Kurt was always far too precious for words in the mornings. He was a cuddler through and through; even if he started the night trying to be polite and give her personal space, she always woke up with Kurt's body cocooned around hers. This morning was no exception, his limbs were all wrapped around her as though, when they had finally fallen into restless sleep, he had known she had been thinking of sneaking away, and that he was going to try and prevent her escape.
This thought made her sigh slightly, hopefully quiet enough not to wake him. She had never intended this to happen. Of course, she had never intended Kurt to come find her again either. She didn't know what she had intended; maybe being away from him to magically make her fall out of love with Kurt?
Yeah, never in a million years. Julia berated herself silently. Truth be told, she was amazed at her own restraint; despite all the the love and pent up feelings that had swept over her with overwhelming force she had not latched onto him the moment she saw him. She found it impossible not to think of him at least a couple times a day, and her sleep without Kurt's comforting presence was never restful; the longer she was away, the more time she spent wrapped up in thoughts of how much she missed him. How much she missed moments like this; when her face was cuddled against his warm shoulder and she could just barely hear his heart in her ear.
And how much she hated feeling like she had somehow only used him for physical comfort.
As silently as she could, Julia unwound herself from Kurt's arms, tugging his tail away from her waist and attempting to fill the space with the pillow she had been using. He was going to hate her, she just knew it; Kurt was catholic for heaven's sake, he didn't take sleeping with her lightly, and it was going to make him feel ten times worse than it was making her feel to discover she had sneaked away like this was some kind of one-night stand. She didn't know whether he would ever understand why she had to leave now, right that second, or she would never be able to. All he would have to do is ask her, and she would never, ever leave him again.
She had to. Too much had changed, too much was at risk. She couldn't let Kurt get wound up into what was becoming a killing spree on her part. He was a good person, a wonderful person, and he didn't deserve to get caught up in her problems, in the hatred that kept making her do things she never would have imagined herself capable of doing not so long ago.
All this was what made last night one of the poorest decisions of her life. She wished she could have just stomped down everything she felt for him and told him to go away; but her resistance had lasted all of about forty-five seconds and then being as close him as she possibly could had seemed more important than her next breath. And being close had, naturally, evolved into getting naked; the passion which had accumulated over their separation spilling over.
She was a mess, mentally and emotionally. She couldn't seem to keep her head on straight ever, whether with people she hated or the person she loved more than anything else. Both their sets of clothes were discarded in a random heap by the door, and Julia crept over as quietly as she could in an attempt to fish hers out.
Just when Julia thought she was going to get away, her hand on the doorknob, she heard the air behind her implode, and Kurt's hand circled over hers, catching her around the middle in his other arm.
"Don't leave."
Dammit.
"Figures. You would catch me."
"Ja, I vould." He agreed nonchalantly, though his arm tightened slightly. "Vhy are you running avay from me?"
"I'm not running away. I'm just- well, I was trying to sneak away."
"I know. I vas avake. Vhy?" Julia stared hard at the door; she didn't even like the reasons why, she sure as hell didn't want to try and explain them to Kurt. "Jyulia, vhy von't you talk to me? Vhy can't I help you?"
"I...Kurt, I don't think you can."
"Vill you at least let me try?"
"No. I just...I just can't." Her throat was suddenly tight, and she wasn't sure how much longer she was going to make it in the conversation without tears. As though he was in the exact same predicament, she felt Kurt's head droop against the back of her neck, burying his face in her hair.
"Please don't leave me." He whispered the words into her hair.
"Kurt-" He ignored the plea in her voice and continued in a rush.
"I understand if you don't vant to go home, but...I don't vant to lose you. Not completely. Not like dhis."
Julia swallowed hard, forcing the salty block of tears in her throat back down into her chest, but felt none the better for it. It wasn't like she wanted to do this, to try and walk out on the best thing that had ever happened to her. But if he knew what she had done...what had happened in New York...the idea of breaking his heart appealed more to her than Kurt hating her. So why was she having such a hard time making the decision to pull away from him and leave? Why couldn't she do what she had decided to do hours ago?
Because he asked you not to, that's why. A little voice in the back of her head informed her. Right. Because she was too in love with him to actually think of what was best, or at least, what was better. Because her heart wouldn't let logic win.
She swallowed again, twisting in Kurt's arm so that she was facing him, her back leaning on the door so they were actually making eye-contact, and could scarcely believe the next words that fell out of her mouth.
"Would you meet me here again?"
Kurt's eyes widened in what could only be described as shock, which soon melted into carefully concealed hopefulness. His eyes darted briefly around the small motel room.
"Here, specifically?" He questioned, as though doubting how serious she was.
"Yes. I don't feel comfortable with you going to the apartments, I don't want Mystique to catch on, and God knows I couldn't get anywhere near the mansion. So we'll meet here."
"Doesn't that seem a bit...clandestine?"
"I suppose so. I think it's a bad idea anyway but-" He touched her lips, shushing her.
"It vill vork," Kurt cut her off. "Ve vill make it." He swept her into a hug, pulling her flush against him, and her head cuddled against his chest almost instinctively. So it wasn't the most morally upright method of seeing one another, but Julia was willing to sacrifice what little morality she felt she had left if it meant getting to spend just a little longer with Kurt. She didn't care how bad it hurt in the end, she only wanted to care about the here and now.
She pulled her head away again, finding his eyes with hers. "I have a rule," She added, to which Kurt nodded, presumably asking her to continue. "Don't ever ask me what I do with the Brotherhood. Because I will never, ever want to talk about it."
His eyes darkened, and she could see he wanted to ask about it right then and there, but, either to prove he was going to respect her wishes, or because he was afraid to know the answer, he nodded.
"If you don't try to push me avay again, I vill not ask." He promised solemnly.
"Thank you."
For the first time in what felt like ages, Julia was finally able to relax. But it was only for a moment, only until they checked out of the motel and went their separate ways again.