"Jeez, Will, you are such a sissy! Are you a faggot or something?" his words jab like a knife in my back. "Sissy, sissy, sissy," he continues to taunt, "now you're crying? Oh my god, you are such a girl." He pushes just hard enough to throw me off balance, and I fall to the floor. "Actually, I know plenty of girls tougher than you. How does that make you feel?" I try to respond, to be strong and resilient, but in truth, I am breaking and have lost most of my resolve. I don't speak fast enough, so he resumes his mental torture. "And look, you're staying there on your knees, where a girl belongs. It's easier to scrub floors and suck dick that way, hah, Will?"
"Nick? Nick!" a voice from upstairs calls for him. He gives me one final condescending grin and walks away. Despite my best efforts to keep it together until I can get behind a closed door, the unwelcome tears start to fall. I brush them away angrily with my sleeve and grab the chair in front of me for help standing. "Nick...Nick!" the voice is still calling to him.
"He already went upstairs," I mumble to myself. But the summons don't stop, "He's upstairs already!" I shout back to the continued calls for my cousin. Now that I'm upright, I find a tissue in the bathroom and dry my eyes. I'm happy to hear silence in this moment, so I can gather my thoughts. They are interrupted once again, "Nick! Nick, where are you?"
"He's not here!" I scream to the voice up the stairs. "Don't you get that? Not here!" My anger is released, and I close my eyes and ball my fists as the tears flow freely. There is no one in the world that I hate more than my cousin, Nick. Just hearing his name pisses me off. And I so wish that I could rage with anger - throw a punch or slam a fist against the wall - but instead my agony comes out in choked sobs. "God, I am a sissy!" I whisper to myself between clenched teeth. Right now I don't know whether I'm madder at him for the bullying or me for my wussy response.
"Nick?" says a softer, gentler voice and then, "Will? Wi-ill? Are you okay?"
"No, I'm really not," I confess to the calming voice getting closer and closer.
"Will? Please Will, wake up!" the command is followed by a gentle shake of my shoulder. I start awake abruptly and glance up into the eyes of no one other than my ex, Gabi.
"What?" I respond bitterly, trying to sit up from the couch. "What is up that is so damn important you had to wake me from my nap," I demand groggily. I rub my eyes more out of habit than necessity. Taking a deep breath, I try to shake off the memory that continues to plague my thoughts even now after 10 years. Softening, I give Gabi a half smile. "So, I'm sorry. What's up? Is Arianna okay?"
"Will, she's fine. She's in her room napping. The three of us have had a busy day."
"Three?" I question curiously.
"Yeah," Gabi flashes me a quick smile. "I met this guy a couple of weeks ago in class. He asked me out, I said yes, and today he took Arianna and I out for lunch and to do some shopping."
"That's great, Gabs. Do I know this person?"
She gives a slight nod. "Yes, as a matter of fact, Will, I think you might even be related to him." It can't be. Or at least I hope for everyone's sake, it's not him. I have lots of Horton-Brady relatives, so I start narrowing them down by age and geographic location. Just as I'm sorting through my list, he comes into the living room. The one person I have dreaded running into is right there in front of me. In my house. With my ex-wife and daughter.
"Will," Gabi gushes, "this is Nick Fallon. Nick, this is my...friend and ex and Arianna's father, Will Horton."
"We know each other already, Gabi," Nick responds avoiding eye contact with me.
Know - yes, I suppose that's true. Had he said that we used to be friends or even like each other, I would have had to politely disagree. The truth is I don't know what Nick is to me anymore. I know what he used to be. Nick was my worst nightmare come true; he represented everything I abhorred most in the world...violence, apathy, cruelty. This cousin of mine, related by blood, did everything in his power to torture me and make my life miserable. Nick made me doubt myself, he made me question who I was and everything I felt. He made me hate myself, when I should have been hating him. He was a bully like none other. And he might still be. Which is why I have to say something for my daughter's sake.
"Yes, Gabi, Nick and I know each other. In fact we have quite the rocky history." I might be speaking to Gabi, but my eyes haven't left Nick's face. Finally he meets my gaze, and I force him to hold my stare. "Nick, tell me, why do you think you deserve to have Gabi and my baby girl, Arianna in your life after all the pain and suffering you caused me growing up?" I'm blunt and direct and unwavering. He's not bullying me anymore. And I sure as hell won't have him polluting my daughter's mind with his homophobic rhetoric. "Have you changed? Because it is really hard for me to believe that you have done enough in the last years to redeem yourself for all that you put me through as a child."
Nick continues to hold my gaze, and I am somewhat surprised by the vulnerability I see. Looking at him now, sad green eyes, pale complexion, trembling hands and a nervously shaking leg, I see for the first time ever a human being behind his tough, bully shell. Perhaps I should give him the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps he deserves another chance? Maybe he has turned his life around, abandoned his evil persona for someone who actually deserves to exist in this world.
***flashback***
"Nick!" the voice of his great aunt Maggie bellows downstairs. She's been calling him for at least 10 minutes with no response. You'd think she'd get it? But, no, and I try one more time to keep my voice from cracking and stuttering enough to tell her that he's not here.
"Aunt Maggie, um, Nick isn't here. He left a while ago."
"Do you know where he went?" she demands as if I'm keeping some sort of secret.
"Don't know." And I don't care and don't want him back anytime soon.
"Will, please go find him. He's probably messing around outside again. I need his help with some of my medication."
"Um, I can help, if you want, Maggie? I'm happy to." For the most part, I like my great-aunt Maggie, but she barely seems to notice me because she's focused on her brilliant grandson, Nick, most of the time.
"No, Will, just go find Nick, please."
"O-o-okay." Why do I agree to this? Why would I ever knowingly seek out my nemesis? Why? It's the same reason I cower as soon as Nick speaks to me, it's the reason I feel tossed from household to household, being cared by relatives but loved by no one. I do it because I am lonely and afraid and so desperate for attention that I put myself in harm's way just to feel an inkling of anything but emptiness. Whether it is self-loathing or frustration or pain...at least I feel.
So, at Maggie's behest, I head outside in search of my cousin. I explore the backyard, taking in the rusty swing-set, the flower garden that hasn't been tended regularly in quite some time, and the old garage with its peeling paint and broken shingles. This place feels more like home than anywhere else I've lived. I like the fact that no one ever joins me on the old swings, no one ever misses the few flowers I pick regularly to put in my room, and no one ventures into the dilapidated garage looking for me when I don't come for dinner. Besides the times when Carlos, the boy next door, comes over to hang out, I spend most of my time alone. Carlos is really my only friend. I still keep my feelings pretty guarded around him, but at least we make each other laugh with silly made-up stories and reenactments of Star Wars' greatest battles. Plus, Carlos swings with me. And he's not too afraid to explore the dark, musty garage with me, either.
Just as I round the corner by the fence and head towards the garage, I hear voices whispering, giggling, conspiring. I have a feeling I've found Nick, but I'm not sure who I'm going to find with him.
"Man, you have to stop hanging out with him. He's a sick bastard! You know those times he takes you into the garage alone? He wants to touch you, to get into your pants. Do you really want to hang out with a gay boy, hah, Carlos?"
Oh my god. Nick's not just being cruel, but he's also filling Carlos' head with horrible lies. I want to scream and kick and shout at him. I want to tell Carlos that Nick's wrong, that I don't have an ulterior motive, that his friendship means something to me. But Nick has apparently been poisoning his mind for a while now, and as soon as I come up behind the two of them, huddled under the apple tree behind the garage, Carlos takes off. I don't even get a chance to explain.
Nick smirks at Carlos' sudden departure, stands up using the tree for balance and then walks right by me, making sure to push into me just hard enough to make his point. Nick is the master, he manipulates his puppets and then watches them fight to the death. And he's slayed me this round...ending with a triumphant win over the only friend I've ever had.
"What do you want, Will?" Nick asks from in front of me as he heads back to the house.
"Maggie wants to see you. She says she needs your help." I speak timidly and follow a safe distance behind.
"Jeez. That woman is always on my ass. What now?" Nick's temper flares and just for a brief second, I see the slightest bit of worry cross his typically arrogant features.
"Help with her medication, I guess." I repeat Maggie's request and watch him sulk back into the house.
"Oh, and Will?" he call's from behind his shoulder as he approaches the side door, "don't go running after Carlos. He thinks you are disgusting and never wants to see you again. So sorry." His apology is laced with insincerity. The hell you are! Now not only has Nick taken away my self-esteem and my faith in humanity, but he's also taken away my one and only friend.
"Go to hell," I mumble under my breath, eyes cast down onto the grass.
"What was that dear cousin Will? You're not disrespecting me now are you?"
"No." I respond resolutely. He's taken away my voice, too. He's taken away everything because I let him.
***present***
"Well, Nick? What have you done to turn your life around? I'm very anxious to hear." He's not going to take away my voice this time.
He pauses for an unusually long time before answering my question. "Ummm, I can't. I'm sorry Gabi, I know we were going to hang out a little while Arianna napped, but I can't do this. It's way too hard, so I'm going. I'm really sorry."
Gabi barely understands what's going on, except when Nick walks to the door to leave, she runs to him and gives him a generous hug. "Thank you for the date, Nick. I had a really good time...and I know that Arianna did, too. Let's try to get together again sometime soon." With a small peck on Gabi's check, Nick is out the door, rumbling his car as he takes off.
"What the hell, Will?" Gabi glares at me while Nick shuts the door behind him.
"I told you we had history."
"Yeah. I think that was the understatement of the decade." Gabi turns bitterly from me and heads to her room. "Can we talk tomorrow? I'm suddenly very tired and in need of some sleep." She makes her way down the hallway and into her bedroom, without even the slightest glance back at me.
"Sure Gabi," I feel guilty and ashamed that I let past feelings lead me out of control. Even after all these years, he's still getting to me. I'm still letting him get to me.
Just as I'm about to get a drink from the fridge, my phone buzzes. I really hope this is a message from Sonny. I miss him so much, and I'm desperate for his touch, his embrace. Because with Nick's return came some of that emptiness that used to consume me as a younger, more insecure and fragile Will.
Sonny: How's everything going?
Me: Fine. More later. Can I see U soon?
Sonny: Sure. R U sure U R ok?
Will: Yes. I just really need 2 talk 2 u. I miss u so much.
Sonny: R U free for lunch 2morrow?
Will: Yes. But can't I see U before that?
Sonny: What's wrong, Will? And don't lie becuz I know when something is up w/u.
Will: U know me well.
Sonny: I do and I care about u so much. So talk 2 me.
It's as if my fingers are suddently frozen; they don't want to move across the virtual keyboard on my phone. So, I just sit there, trying to focus on the good things in my life like Arianna and Sonny. And I try to keep myself from crying.
A few minutes must have passed because all of a sudden my phone rings. As soon as I pick up, I hear a frantic voice, "Will, babe, are you okay? Please tell me what's wrong. I'm worried about you." Hearing Sonny's voice pushes me that last tiny step towards the breakdown that's been lurking, bubbling under the surface for some time. I start to cry, openly, loudly, and without reservation. "Will, stay right where you are. I am on my way to you." I hear my phone click off and quickly I'm plunged back into the depths of my own dark thoughts.
Why is Sonny with me? Doesn't he know that I'm damaged goods? Doesn't he know that if he sticks around, I'll only bring him down with me? Doesn't he realize how much better he would be without me?
Sonny must have broken every speed limit law on his way to my place, because he is here within seconds, it seems. And one look at me with his lovingly concerned brown eyes sets everything in motion. The feelings I have buried since I was a child come out with a vengeance, and Sonny simply holds me through my wailing, all the while rubbing my back and whispering the sweetest 'I love yous' into my ear.
I'm not sure how long I cried. And I'm not sure how we made it into my bedroom/office, but we're there, snuggling on my bed. I turn my head slightly and pull just enough out of the crook of Sonny's neck to inhale deeply before speaking. "Thank you, Son." My lips brush his jawline and he holds me even tighter.
"Will, I never want to see you like that ever again." He lectures me sternly but gently. "So, please talk to me about what's going on."
I chuckle sarcastically. "How much time do you have?" I smile sadly as he cradles my chin in his hands. I must look a fright. When I cry, I turn bright red and my face gets completely puffy. But that doesn't seem to stop him from pressing butterfly kisses across my temple, down my hair line, onto my swollen cheeks and lips.
"I'm here, Will, for as long as you need me to be. I love you."
"I love you too. Is there any way you could stay over here tonight? I know we talked about waiting until Gabi moves out, but I don't want to let go of you right now. I'm so drained...I just want to fall asleep in your arms. Could we please, Sonny?"
"Will...but Gabi and Arianna…" he hesitates, and I'm afraid I'm going to start to cry again, so I look away, trying to keep my roller coaster emotions in check.
"Please?" I'm not too embarrassed to beg. Not tonight.
Finally, he gives in, pulls me closer into him, so our bodies are flush against each other. It is in this moment that I feel safer, and more loved and protected than I ever have in my whole life. "Okay, Will, one night."
"Thank you. I feel like I can't say that enough."
"Well, you don't have to. This is what partners do for each other, right?" Sonny gives me a shy, half smile.
"Partners, huh? No more boyfriends?" I can't help but tease him.
"I think we're beyond boyfriends, now, don't you?"
"Yeah. I suppose so. You are my rock, Sonny, I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Well, thank goodness you won't have to find out." We both just smile at each other.
"Yes, thank goodness." I shift slightly to pull the covers down under us, move us both so we're lying on the bed and wrap my arms back around him.
"Will?"
"Yeah, Son?"
"Don't you want to talk about what happened earlier?" He's inquisitive and trying to be sensitive at the same time.
"I do, but not anymore tonight. I just want to sleep in peace, cuddled with you, listening to your heart beat. Is that okay? We can talk tomorrow when we've gotten some rest."
"If you're sure, Will, then I'm okay with that."
"Thank you so much."
"I told you to stop saying that!"
"Fine. I take my thank you back." I chide playfully.
"Good. Now get comfortable so you can get some much-needed rest." Sonny's bossing me around, but I'll never balk at him when he's taking care of me like this.
"I love you so much, Sonny."
"I love you too, Will. Good night."
I close my eyes and implore my brain and the universe to fill my dreams with Sonny and not Nick. But I don't remember dreaming at all. Instead I just relish in the feeling of waking up beside my most incredible, wonderfully caring and beautiful partner. I could get used to this. I can't and won't ever get used to Nick being a part of Gabi or Arianna's life, but opening my eyes from sleep in my own home and having the privilege of gazing at Sonny's breathtaking features, well, that I can and plan on getting used to. Very soon.