Author's Note: *Cackle*
SIXTH YEAR
Let's take a moment to discuss the mysteries of life. Grapefruit. Long division. Multitasking.
Who the hell decided on the name GRAPEFRUIT, because damn boy, that was some quick thinking. Wouldn't it be nice to have at least a smidgeon of that ingenuity that made someone wake up in the morning and say Hey, Self, let's take a fruit that everyone knows and loves, like an orange, and use that name on another unknown fruit (that slightly resembles the first) to tap into an already existing and strong market and then make money all around, little to none effort required? It could be called Enormange, and there would be all sorts of accessorizing product options, like juice, and candies, and popsicles. But wait, Self, before you've made too much cash money, let's make more! What is the orange market missing? WINE. What do you make wine out of? GRAPES. Ad hoc, name unknown fruit after grapes, capture LARGER market. Brills!
Next, remember when your teachers were all, long division is applicable to real life, learn it now 9-year-old, or future DIE? And long division is like possibly the hardest obstacle a child must overcome because a) it doesn't make any sense and b) you do not see grown ups whipping out a paper and pen at the shop all like hold on, must long divide my prices. Guess what Miss Sally, I use a new kind of division in my adult life, it's called SHORT division aka the ÷ sign on my calculator. So… chew on that!
Lastly, long have I considered multitasking my forté. It's in my Top Five for Inventions of the Year. Oh, excuse me Professor, the snake I turned my stick into looks more like a vine because I was multitasking making sure the annoying Sly in the front got bitten by his viper, it's not lethal, probably. Why yes, I made a few spelling errors on my Charms essay, due to multitasking off the thick layer of dust that was encrusting my robes from that time I had to hide in the rafters when Lucius Malfoy interrupted me intercepting his mail in the Owlery.
But this time, somehow I had multitasked running from the law and maybe-or-maybe-not kissing Sirius Black. And now that I had a moment to think about it, it was bothering me a lot. A LOT! Is this what I've become? A girl who goes around kissing strange men willy nilly? A femme fatale? But that would make Sirius the gruff detective — cynical but lovable — and me the heartless film noir villain, and that is incredibly backwards! I HAVE HEART! AND GRUFF! I DRIP WITH ALL THE GRUFF.
There was only an hour until midnight, oh fateful midnight, but that wasn't the only thing on my mind.
I was multitasking thinking about Sirius Black. And a certain branch of mistletoe. And me shoving him on his ass. And me hightailing it outta there.
But had he recognized me? And had there been kissage?
Such a weird question. I mean, wouldn't you know whether or not you've gotten kissed? What kind of person can't figure that kind of thing out? I was definitely thinking too hard about this. With a grimace, I put two fingers on my neck and quickly established that my heart rate was not exactly at rest.
And then, without giving me time to clear my thoughts, how inconsiderate, the boy in question brushed past a group of girls giggling over one of the risqué ice statues, emerged from the crowd, and casually sauntered toward me.
How in the curses on curses did Sirius always appear absolutely everywhere at horribly inappropriate times! Add checking my own pulse to the list of embarrassing activities Sirius had caught me doing. A list which included sulking, pineapple dismemberment, and other general low points in my life.
"Don't worry," Sirius irritatingly assured. "It's perfectly normal for your heart rate to be elevated when you're in my presence."
I dropped my hand from my neck faster than Google Chrome and shot back, "I had an itch!"
"Knew I was finally getting under your skin," he retorted easily.
I was starting to hope that there had been no recognition.
"But really, the mistletoe trick? So disappointing. I thought you'd want a more original kiss."
Hope was killed. "That wasn't—"
"Of course not. Our first kiss is going to be much more awesome."
I burst out a chuckle. "Oh, that's cute. You think—"
"Laugh all you want, but I have so many things going for me right now, it's not even funny." He gave me that confident smirk. "This is the kind of night where I win. And then I get the girl."
I chose not to inform him that in this case, his opponent WAS the girl. So obviously things would not be going according to script.
He offered me the crook of his arm. "And on that subject, I'm collecting on our deal."
Deal? What deal? Was he making things up again — Oh. I vaguely remembered promising him a dance during another one of those low points of my life.
What amazing foresight past Alex had in making this deal! Her solutions were so relatable to my contemporary problems! This was a chance to get close to Amanda. With a haughty look and nary a word, I accepted.
Sirius seemed surprised, and he started to speak. I quickly shushed him and whispered steamily, "Just dance." This seemed to confuse him into silence.
"Quite a stir," Amanda commented, watching Remus carefully.
The clean-cut Gryff pushed her away, then pulled her close. "You feel stirred?" His eyes were focused on her face.
She ignored his flirting. "You can't actually believe you can beat Lucius Malfoy."
"We've been up against Lucius Malfoy for years. Sometimes we lose, but sometimes we don't. Trust me, we know how to win when it counts."
"Malfoy and Q are from the same world. Both move in the shadows, both never show their true intentions, both weave webs of lies. What makes you so confident you can play by their rules?"
"Oh, we've been very lucky." The flirt, the brag. There it was again. He was trying to impress her. Amanda was getting frustrated – Remus didn't have the annoying arrogance of James and Sirius – so what was causing it now? Was he faking it, overcompensating?
Amanda, characteristically, got bored of equivocating and chose to be blunt. "There's no way Malfoy would agree to this unless he wasn't absolutely positive he would win. You lot, however, are fondly known for your impressive abilities at 'winging it.' I'm calling your bluff, and putting my money on Malfoy."
"You're going to feel awfully foolish, once we reveal the name of your classmate," he said smoothly. "A name very familiar to everyone at Hogwarts… including you."
Amanda looked away and smiled. He'd just given himself away. The confidence wasn't real – Alex was not 'familiar' to her fellow classmates, and no way in hell did they actually know her name. The crowd of peers wouldn't be as shocked as he was implying.
Remus, however, was feeling a bit too tight and uncomfortable in his robes. Amanda was belligerent and intimidating. Damn, it was hard, trying to provoke your attempted murderer.
Then Remus saw Sirius. More specifically, Remus saw the girl Sirius was dancing with.
The thing I've always hated about ballroom dancing is that there are two people. (Little known fact.) But seriously! Who came up with this shit? It is incredibly difficult to dance like no one's watching when someone IS watching, and they are probably attached to you with multiple limbs. They have their own thoughts and feelings, and you have your own thoughts and feelings, and sometimes you are just two very different people battling it out for the lead because, although that is usually the gentleman's assigned role, I am modern and civilized and bourgeois and thus do not see color. Or gender. This is the future, Sirius. The future is now, and it's a-knocking, and it's saying peace, equality, and granola for all!
But the smarmy boy wasn't giving me the lead. He tried to spin me, and I fought it off. I tried to press him backwards, and he stood solid, like a rock wall of manchest. It wasn't going well, and we were about to start drawing attention.
Luckily for me, the first attention we drew was from our dear friend Remus. He appeared next to me, Amanda scowling in his arms, clearly looking like she didn't want to be there (next to me, not in his arms. I think.)
Remus twirled Amanda around so that he could widen his eyes and glare at me. His reasoning seemed to be, the wider the eyes, the harsher the glare. The correct reasoning should have actually been, the wider the eyes, the more one looks like a crazy person. Especially more so since he motioned his chin towards Sirius, eyes still enlarged, and then slowly shook his head no.
This was the part where he was trying to remind me about our no-touchy-the-puppy deal.
Suddenly, his eyes got even wider. The light bulb had gone on, and it was bathing me in a new light.
It was almost too easy. All that was required was a single fleeting, panicked, and furtive glance at Amanda, and I took control of his train of thought and sent it in my favorite direction. North.
Remus' focus snapped to Amanda, who was pretending like I didn't exist. Perfect.
The music swelled to a crescendo, providing cover. For a moment, I gave in to Sirius. As soon as he relaxed, I yanked him sharply to the side, whirling us so that Amanda and I were back to back. The fast move sent me stumbling backwards into her. As we righted ourselves, I whispered against her ear, "Get him to Ravenclaw Tower - the others are there, Lucius is in my closet." The orchestra crashed down around us.
Sirius, in attempt to correct the embarrassing mess that was my original and Nobel-prize-aspiring dance moves, spun me away quickly.
Though the world was moving around me, through the swirling fabric of the dancers I caught glimpses of Amanda leading Remus away and out of the Great Hall.
That was the last time I ever saw Amanda.
Kidding!
Kinda.
Finally letting Sirius have the lead was relaxing. But being whirled around while multitasking and thinking about various plans and machinations, is dangerous — I tripped over his foot. It is important to remember when dancing, to not forget that you are dancing.
Casually, I said, "Want to know something scandalous?"
He clearly didn't see that one coming. But he recovered well. "It's extremely difficult to scandalize me."
Pointing toward the doors, I asked innocently, "So then you already know that your goody-two-shoes-Remus just snuck out — with a girl?"
Sirius' messy black hair got even more mussed up as he snapped his head in that direction. "What!"
"About time he got some," I continued fondly.
"Shit." He ran his hand through his hair, clearly not paying attention to me.
With mild delight, I watched his panic grow as he scanned the room and realized the other Marauders were not to be found.
Still the innocent, I pressed the issue. "Why so worried? It's not like he didn't go with her against his own free will." I sniggered at the joke as if I found myself hilarious. Which I did, BTW. Just not in the sexual innuendo way that it seemed. Ahh, my advanced sense of humor…
Of course Sirius knew there was no way Remus would go of his own free will.
Sirius was already on his way out, but my words reminded him of my presence. "You're coming with me," he growled, and yanked me almost off my feet.
We crashed into someone, spilling their drink. Sirius didn't slow, not even when we burst out of the Great Hall. Reaching the staircase, he said seriously, "Two things. First, don't think I'm letting you out of my sight, ever. Second, this means you are about to get dragged into a very dangerous situation. Remus is alone with the LAST PERSON he should be alone with… and she's probably done unspeakable things already…"
"Yeah she has…" I sniggered again.
"Shocked and appalled," he self-narrated. "Please feel free to turn your snark off."
Pushing all the right buttons, oh yeah. "Don't tell me how to live my life! I'll crank this snark up to medium!"
"…But then again, you're cute when you snark."
"TAKE THAT BACK. RIGHT NOW."
He laughed.
"NOW, PLEBE, OR PREPARE FOR DESTRUCTION."
"No, because suddenly I find myself in control of the conversation again, and I enjoy it a lot more."
"DESTRUCTION! FIRES ALL AROUND! BOMBS RAINING FROM ABOVE! TOTAL ANNIHILATION!"
"Just because you're yelling it doesn't mean it's happening."
"Just because you're attractive doesn't mean people take you seriously." I tried to take two stairs at a time and failed miserably, stumbling into the wall of the spiraling staircase.
"You could run a lot faster without that dress," he pointed out.
"You could run a lot faster if I were punching you in the face."
"But you think I'm attractive, so, you wouldn't dare."
"Fact: battlescars are the aphrodisiac of our generation."
Sirius gave me a strange look, pausing at the last step to wait for me to catch up. "Where are you getting your facts from?"
"A legitimate news source, it's kinda new, it's called the internet."
"Heads up, you're a witch, you don't need Muggle technology."
"Science and magic both have their positives. Here, try some old fashioned reasoning." I pushed him toward the eagle on the door.
The eagle glared at him, then spoke. "What is a question no one can ever honestly answer yes to if the answer is yes?"
"What the shit?" Sirius shook his head at the eagle. "That riddle is too hard. Give me another."
The eagle screeched, then repeated the riddle.
Sirius glanced back at me. "Reasoning is impossible."
"So do you admit you're wrong?"
"No. I'd like to see you try." He looked pleased with himself.
"Fine," I said, brushing past him. "I'll handle this."
Raven the Eagle squawked, and the door swung open for me.
"How'd you do that?" Sirius asked in awe.
"Magic."
Inside was a line of four chairs. Remus, James, and Peter were sitting in three of them, magically bound and looking very confused.
Paul and Amanda stood in front of them, looking at me. "What are you doing?" Amanda demanded.
Ah, good. Paul had debriefed her.
"Oh… uhh… sorry?" I started backing away. "I clearly am not supposed to be here…"
"Stop. You know too much already. Expelliarmus!"
Sirius' wand shot out of his hand. There were some expletives.
"You, come here," she commanded me. I obliged.
"And you," she turned to Sirius. "99% of my tolerance is used up by 1% of the time I spend dealing with men like you. Go occupy that chair."
Author's Note: Dear reviewers, you guys are hilarious and amazing, and I hope this chapter brightens your day.